Why do we care about our Ts so much?

I know this topic is old news but I so badly wish that I didn't care about my T the way I do! Does anyone have any new perspective on why therapy means so much? Why do we get upset if we have to miss a session and why do we agonize over the therapy relationship? Is it transference or real? Do we become "crazier" from therapy because of the relationship? Do Ts understand what we are going through or not? Why are so many of us in anguish about someone whom we are paying for a service?

I was in therapy a really long time with my T and paid attention to how my feelings about her and therapy changed over time. I remember when I first saw her, she didn't say that much but every time she did say something, it was right on target, was amazingly right. Then, 4-6 years later, I started disagreeing with her (and that was okay, "I know what I know"). She was not as accurate as often.

Another strange thing was how I use to "avoid" engaging with her, I felt like she was trying to corral me (I felt like a wild horse :-) By the end of therapy 25+ years later, I was working hard to connect, to work together with her.

I saw my T for 9 years then didn't see her for another 9; I'd changed jobs, moved, gotten married, lots of good new things happened in my life in those 9 years I didn't see her. But then I had a crisis in my life and called her and saw her for another 9 years, 1996-2005. It was the same, only very different!

It was surreal because we'd get into exactly the same spots we use to get in 15 years previously BUT, they came out differently! I remember the sense of wonder I had when I suddenly realized that not only had I grown and changed in that period of time, but she had too!

That's the secret, rainbow; over time, things change. You get more and more experience with your T and yourself and separate from her and she from your ideals of her. How you perceive her changes as well as you and she both actually changing.

Remember how, when you were 5 summer seemed so long? Now think about this summer; it's almost over and it just started didn't it? It's the same with our relationship with T. Think about your marriage; how it was the first year you were married versus how it is now? How it was when you were dating versus after a couple years of marriage? You won't "love" your T any less as time goes by but the number of experiences with/without T will multiply so any "one" is not as important. Now with relatively few experiences with T and yourself relating to T, things look larger. As you take over responsibility for how you feel/relate the other person recedes in "importance" in your inner life. You become the center of yourself.

Because guess what? It's a REAL relationship. It's based loosely on someone who's there for you, to support you, and listen- and call you when you speak utter nonsense.
It's a controlled relationship, but for many people, it's the first (and sometimes only) completely supportive person in their lives.
We anguish over it because we're trusting them with secrets we've kept from both others and ourselves.
And when you tell your secrets, you tend to get attached to someone. That's just how it works.

I care about my T a lot because we have a real relationship and have spent many hours together in intimate conversation. He responds to me positively and with attunement. He gets me. I attune to him too. This all helps us draw closer. Given all that, of course I care about him a lot! We have been through so much together. I care about my T in a way that doesn't include agonizing over his words or a missed session. It is a lot more fun and relaxing that way!

How would you like to care about your T differently? Caring doesn't have to include agonizing. I don't know if this is something one can work on in therapy or not--changing the way one cares (like a new skill???).

I have become healthier because of the relationship.

I don't know. I just want to extend the idea that it isn't always like that and doesn't have to be that way. I wonder if there is something to the analogy that a watched kettle never sings (a watched pot never boils?--I can't remember how the saying goes!).

It's not old news. (((hugs)))

A relationship with a therapist is very, very unique. It's very intimate, but also has pretty strict boundaries. T is always there to somehow help you, and it's never really about the T.

I would speculate it hurts so much to miss a session because that is a guarenteed time and space dedicated to you. It's about working on you, helping you reach a new place in your life that feels better. A time to connect to someone who does deeply care, and continues to show this is new ways with a different set of boundaries than the rest of the world.

There are moments that things will feel crazier with therapy in your life. You're learning a new way to LIVE and interact with people. A way you were never exposed to before. Of course it feels crazy and confusing.

A T who is in tune with their clients, definitely knows what's going on. But the client also needs to share these things with their T. If you never share that you are in anguish about these things, a T may not know. If T knows they may give you tools to help decrease this.

You are paying for a service. Where T gives you tools and expertise. But you are not paying for the genuine connection that you feel. That's something you and T have built over time.

I care so much about my T because to me, she is my true mother.

i would agree with a lot of what's already been said, and will add that i think it's actually ourselves that we "care about so much." we go to therapy for us, to share our lives with our therapists, and then they are the one holding it all. but it's "what," or rather "who," they are holding that we really care about.

that being said, i also definitely think this is true:

You know, I've been thinking about it that way also. Since I barely know anything about my T personally, there has to be some other giant element involved in the relationship. So part of it is that we're getting to see 'ourselves' in therapy and like you said, the T is holding 'us' up in order for us to get a better view of ourselves. Plus we get validated and paid attention to - which are very powerful experiences.

I've thought that it probably wouldn't matter who my T is as long as they practice that same unconditional positive regard that my T does. Of course, there's the added element of who we resonate with and we won't resonate with just any ol' T but still...

I care about my T because she is just a great person. Also because I have that time to myself, that is guaranteed time when someone is listening to me and engaged in conversation with me-- I don't get that very often outside of the T relationship!! Also, her unconditional positive reguard makes me feel good.

I WISH that I could be as ...unattached... to T as I am to other people I pay for services like my dentist/banker/etc. I don't get upset if I don't get to see THEM! But T is the ONE good place in my life... thats tough to not have it.

I care about my therapist so much because he has helped me a lot. He definitely made an investment in me, one that can't be quantified by what I paid him.

I can assure you, I made him earn it. In fact, I likely underpaid. As Brene Brown said about her therapy, it's been a street fight.

There were times when I thought I wanted my therapist to be my lover, my mother, my father, my best friend - you name it.

But what he was actually doing was showing me how those people are/were supposed to act.

He also let me act out all the wrong thoughts I had when faced with kindness and helped me move to a place where I can trust that. He helped to remove the obstacles that kept me from that trust.

Well, we are still working on that last part. It's the hardest.

I've kinda stopped asking the question why. The fact is I do. And it's a good thing. It makes me smile.

Exactly - I don't stress about it but then again, it doesn't impact my life so seriously or make me suffer unduly. It is actually a bright spot on my life and i appreciate it so much I can't

I never responded to this thread I started. I appreciate all the responses but they trigger me so I'm not going to write anything more.

What's even more confusing to me than why I've cared so much about my former T ("care" being something of a sliding scale though in this case) is why it happened with only this one T. I mean, I didn't even feel that way with a T who (by her own admission) got way too emotionally wrapped-up in me, which caused her to openly risk her license in doing something she thought knew was illegal, but might save my life (I actually wasn't even suicidal at the time). I mean, I certainly had a deep appreciation for her, but I spent very little time preoccupied with her outside of therapy sessions.

With my last T, however, I felt something beyond mere "care" just 3-4 months into therapy. In every sense of the word, I was protective of her. I even bought her the book "The Gift of Fear" at one point because I worried about her being in her office building alone after I left (which was generally around 8 or 9pm since I was always her last appt.). She also once told me that she interpreted some of my ostensibly self-serving actions (meaning that I painted, or thought of them, that way) as actions that were actually meant to somehow protect or defend her. (I still don't understand that fully.)

Since it's not as if I became any happier or more well-adjusted while in her care (though I did become more self-aware), I'm completely perplexed as to where this emotional hold has come from. And I never once became disillusioned about the nature of our "relationship" (a word I find loaded and presumptuous in a therapeutic context anyway), but all of these feelings came about just the same.

While still in therapy, I expressed to her the feeling that I was emotionally investing in a ghost...when I emotionally invest in so few others outside of my family. It just really felt, and still feels, like such a waste.

Okay, I'm really being a downer today, so I'll stop there.

ChristineEsq, that all jibes perfectly with your "case". (I'm starting to get a feel for what a T goes thru, trying to remember each person's story. Actually it's not that hard!) Beautifully written entry, BTW. Your intelligence shines through. That's Brene's book, right? I saw her on PBS pledge, love her, bought some too.

My "interpretation" is kind of floating up above the page for me, but I see potential jokes from material (not here, I mean like newspapers) that way, too.

1. She was experiencing countertransference.
2. The Gift of Fear = you trying to take care of your mother who really wasn't taking good care of you.

3. Self-serving = by taking care of your mother, you would take care of yourself.

4. Invested in a ghost - You subconsciously realize your mother was not there for you, but you did bristle when I suggested that before. That's why this r/s with T seems ghostly, beautiful metaphor. Or simile. Or whatever. Darn it, Jim, I'm a programmer, not an English major. That's my 2nd Star Trek ref today, what is going on? Sorry.

5. So T's countertransference was that she couldn't handle the feelings of failing you as your mother had, whether these were projected by you onto her, or she had her own feelings of failing you.

Honestly, I don't know if it's "right" for me to be offering my opinion on these things this way; as KazzaX says, T's just sit there while the clock is ticking and wait for you to come to your own conclusions. I can probably console myself with predicting you'll just say to me, exactly as I have said to my T's so many times, "No, THAT's not it!" Payback's a beach!

If I may add: my longterm T said the longer you can hold conflicting ideas in mind, the better the potential for growth. So I should have said, CEsq, these aren't your ONLY feelings, they coexist with feelings of love and respect and gratitude towards your mom for keeping you safe and talking things out with you. But PART of you - or maybe you identified with part of your mom - was still afraid, and that's the part that freaks out, or whatever? Again, sorry and apologies to all if I am out of line.

rainbow:

Thanks, rainbow_rose. I needed that.

For me..............the answer is because I have more to lose if the relationship goes sour than they do. However.............I have also just accepted that I do. My current T said once...........why do feelings have to make sense? Why? Just accept that it is and move forward with it. Just accept that you care more. Just because we care MORE doesn't mean our Ts don't CARE. Because they do. You can feel that if you will open yourself up to it.

(((( rainbow ))))

It's such a painful place.....and when I access those feelings for my T, it breaks my heart....I wish I could enjoy it...but it's hard to know how without it hurting so much.

It is with the therapist that we are the most intimate - more so than with any family member or any friend. They become the repository of our deepest feelings, our deepest longings, our deepest fears and our deepest aspirations. How could we not care so much?

Oh, and in addition to this, the therapist is seen by us only on their best behavior. They show us only limitless compassion, patience, wisdom, etc. which we don't find anywhere else in the world. They are deeply attentive to our every word and our whole lives. Who in RL could offer that kind of attention to us? We never see their whole selves - the selves that can be angry, irritable, short-tempered, demanding, etc. They are human beings and they possess all that array of emotions just like us.

They are the ideal human - in session. And of course we are extremely attracted to that ideal.

skysblue, I like what you said and it's true.

swimmergirl, you're right. I care MORE but my T cares very much for me. I can accept it but it hurts deep inside of me, that I care so much. It's hard to allow that caring, maybe because I'm so afraid of losing my T (irrational thinking I know) which transfers to my being afraid of losing people I care about in RL so I don't let myself care fully for anyone. Or, if I do, there's a sadness that goes along with it--like thinking about how much I love my grandchildren, but I don't want to love them "too much" though I do.

Thanks, MUE. Yeah, you described the feelings well.

I think it's fine to care for our T's. That is not unhealthy at all. I think it becomes unhealthy when we want to 'possess' them or for that matter, possess anyone. Is it possible in RL to have such an intimate relationship where it doesn't matter what we say - that we'll be accepted? That is powerful and intoxicating. So, I'd say, let's enjoy it for what it is and not worry too much about it.

skysblue, it would be nice to enjoy the feelings and not worry about them. But it HURTS to feel so much. What about that part?