[peaches100]

I'm trying to wrap my head around something. . .and it's associated with the whole business of needing more from my t than she can give me.

On the one hand, she has encouraged me to open up that hurting needy child side of me and express what she needs. . .

But on the other hand, when I've done that, what she needs is too excessive and I'm told that those needs "are fitting for an infant, but not for an adult. You are an adult, and need to be treated like an adult."

So here is where i am stuck and not "getting it." Why would she want me to open up and share those vulnerable needs with her, if she is just going to come back and tell me that those are "child" needs that aren't appropriate for an adult? I mean, it's hard enough to admit what i need. But to be made to feel that what i need is inappropriate, and that i shouldn't need that or be the way i am, it just makes me feel awful and regretful that i ever shared my needs.

I don't know what my t wants from me. If she wants me to be an adult, with adult needs, and be treated as an adult, then OK, i can do that. But then don't go asking how child parts of me feel or what they need from her.

Am i making sense? Does anyone relate?

[peaches100]

Where i am at now -- as far as trying to figure this out -- is that i should be an adult while with my t in therapy and keep my dysfunctional child side deep inside myself and do my best to care for her myself.

My t has said many times that she wants to work with my hurt child parts and help them heal. And that all sounds good and fine. But it appears that in actual practice, if i let those aspects of me be there and communicate needs, it's "too much" for her.

I understand that alot of the answer for this is "balance." But having dissociated aspects of myself, and having my self-image fluctuate from an adult-like state to a more child-like state, i can't always judge where the right balance is. I feel like the lesson is too painful, and i don't want to try to figure it out anymore. Which is why i'm leaning toward keeping those messed up parts of me to myself.

[skysblue]

It's a bit confusing for me too. I think that we need to access those child needs that were never met and inhibited our emotional development. My T refers to it as developmental issues. I guess once we've identified them, then we find ways to meet them in an adult way? Again, I'm not sure myself.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Where i am at now -- as far as trying to figure this out -- is that i should be an adult while with my t in therapy and keep my dysfunctional child side deep inside myself and do my best to care for her myself.

My t has said many times that she wants to work with my hurt child parts and help them heal. And that all sounds good and fine. But it appears that in actual practice, if i let those aspects of me be there and communicate needs, it's "too much" for her.

I understand that alot of the answer for this is "balance." But having dissociated aspects of myself, and having my self-image fluctuate from an adult-like state to a more child-like state, i can't always judge where the right balance is. I feel like the lesson is too painful, and i don't want to try to figure it out anymore. Which is why i'm leaning toward keeping those messed up parts of me to myself.

I know the hesitation. My T comments on the 'adult' Skysblue. And I'll respond, "See, that's why I shouldn't regress in therapy." And she tries to explain to me that I must get in touch with the child parts. My T has never said I was 'too much' for her but we've been discussing how my reactions to her reflect MY fear that I'm too much for her. She keeps encouraging me to get to know my child parts. But the instinct is to keep them hidden also.

[Asiablue]

I don't understand what she means either. Her message and actions seem very confusing and conflicting. I think you need to ask her and be clear what she wants from you before going down that road of opening up the hurt child. I agree if there's a hurt child, it needs addressed but with someone confident to handle it.

[Omers]

I worked with 2 T's that pulled that BS... neither did me any good and I deeply regret and am pained by the time I spent with them. I have a T now that doesn't work with parts/child needs and said it up front BUT when I talked to about my need for touch and holding etc. She sent me to the best massage T EVER. Massage T does work with parts/littles/child needs no matter how they present themselves. Not always the what I envisioned it but sometimes ya gotta do things a little different when it is an infant/young child need in a 34yr old body. T has never once made me feel uncomfortable about the needs that did not get met as a child, she has never once told me they would not/could not get met (don't fall for that crap)... T always helps me find my way to getting them met.

They are NEEDS plain and simple... just because we didn't get them when everyone else did doesn't make them a want they were and are NEEDS!!

not that i have an opinion

Peaches, you are making perfect sense. This is a tension that T and I discuss all the time, and haven't yet found a solution for. I know that this can be very painful and I'm sorry you're struggling with it

Omers, thank you for clarifying the need vs. want thing. This is another thing T and I are 'discussing' (somewhat heatedly! ) at the moment. I like the concept of always finding a way to get our needs met, even if it's not in the way we would initially have chosen. I always enjoy your posts and hearing about your experiences

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm trying to wrap my head around something. . .and it's associated with the whole business of needing more from my t than she can give me.

On the one hand, she has encouraged me to open up that hurting needy child side of me and express what she needs. . .

But on the other hand, when I've done that, what she needs is too excessive and I'm told that those needs "are fitting for an infant, but not for an adult. You are an adult, and need to be treated like an adult."

So here is where i am stuck and not "getting it." Why would she want me to open up and share those vulnerable needs with her, if she is just going to come back and tell me that those are "child" needs that aren't appropriate for an adult? I mean, it's hard enough to admit what i need. But to be made to feel that what i need is inappropriate, and that i shouldn't need that or be the way i am, it just makes me feel awful and regretful that i ever shared my needs.

I don't know what my t wants from me. If she wants me to be an adult, with adult needs, and be treated as an adult, then OK, i can do that. But then don't go asking how child parts of me feel or what they need from her.

Am i making sense? Does anyone relate?

Peaches
I am sorry that you are struggling with this and I can appreciate what you are going through myself. I think that you hit it on the nail when you talked about balance. However, really t's, we are in therapy for a reason. Most of us don't know how handle these child needs and intense feelings let alone know how to balance them. I think that you are incredibly brave to even be reflecting on this and open with your t. I hope that she can find a way to help you through this with out shaming you. That to me is the worst. Being exposed and vulnerable and then to be shamed. Maybe you could tell her that is how you are feeling. I think t's really cringe if they think they may be adding to clients shame. Good luck with this. I sincerely hope you can find comfort soon.

[rainbow8]

I think you have to ask your T again until you understand what she means.

On the one hand, she has encouraged me to open up that hurting needy child side of me and express what she needs. . .
But on the other hand, when I've done that, what she needs is too excessive and I'm told that those needs "are fitting for an infant, but not for an adult. You are an adult, and need to be treated like an adult."

Are you sure your T said the above? If she did, maybe you interpreted it wrong. It seems to me that yes, you can bring your infant needs into therapy, and yes, those needs are "fitting for an infant." Has your T worked with you on how to satifsy those needs? Since she does IFS, I think she means that you can treat the infant part one way, but you have to treat the adult another way. Your Self is an adult, and needs to be treated as an adult. So, you and T can meet the infant's needs but know that YOU are an adult and need to be treated that way. Am I making sense at all? Like when my T asks me, about an infant or child part: "Does she know I'm there?" I am the adult, and the infant is the part I am trying to soothe.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I know the hesitation. My T comments on the 'adult' Skysblue. And I'll respond, "See, that's why I shouldn't regress in therapy." And she tries to explain to me that I must get in touch with the child parts. My T has never said I was 'too much' for her but we've been discussing how my reactions to her reflect MY fear that I'm too much for her. She keeps encouraging me to get to know my child parts. But the instinct is to keep them hidden also.

Skysblue,

So. . .yes, t's want us to get in touch with our child parts. But then what? Soothe, help, fix their problems? If that were possible, we would have done that to start with and we wouldn't need therapy, would we? The only thing i can figure out is that therapy seems like a journey where our child self is lost or something, and t is only a guide to help us find her. Once we've found our child self, the t wants to step out of the picture. The problem with that is that the child part, once found, has hurts and needs and often attaches to the therapist with the hope that some of those unmet needs and desires can be healed and met in the t relationship. I don't want my t to pretend to be interested in the child part of me if she just intends to step aside and leave me with her to flail alone. I don't know if I'm saying this right. But i'm just discouraged.

The other point is how to get those unmet child needs met in an adult way. I do not know what is meant by this, or how that happens.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I know the hesitation. My T comments on the 'adult' Skysblue. And I'll respond, "See, that's why I shouldn't regress in therapy." And she tries to explain to me that I must get in touch with the child parts. My T has never said I was 'too much' for her but we've been discussing how my reactions to her reflect MY fear that I'm too much for her. She keeps encouraging me to get to know my child parts. But the instinct is to keep them hidden also.

What is frustrating too is that i have a hard time understanding what my t means when she says things. Sometimes i see her words through a filter of rejection, or she says i misunderstand her or that i am projecting my own thoughts and feelings on her. Or she says that she doesn't recall having said some of the things that i remember her saying. I know that i can assume and misinterpret things. But i also get the feeling that my t at times gets overwhelmed with me and says things that make me feel bad, but when i confront her with it, she denies that is what she said or meant -- kind of like backpeddling. . . unless she truly forgets what she said. She has told me she has a bad memory.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Prettylittleblue

I don't understand what she means either. Her message and actions seem very confusing and conflicting. I think you need to ask her and be clear what she wants from you before going down that road of opening up the hurt child. I agree if there's a hurt child, it needs addressed but with someone confident to handle it.

Prettylittleblue,

Yes, i agree. I keep trying to talk to my t about this but she's not getting it. She keeps insisting that my needs are not "too much" for her -- that i am projecting my own feelings/shame of being to much onto her. But she's the one who -- when she was too busy to reply to some of my emails and i got angry and hurt because i felt rejected -- she said that i seem to want her to be there for me 24/7, and went on to tell me how infants need this, but not adults, and I am an adult and need to be treated as an adult.

Now to me, those words mean "What you want is "too much." That is what a baby needs, not an adult, and you are an adult." Which then fills me with shame for being the way i am because what it sounds like she is telling me is that i should not be that way, or need the things i do from her. It also makes me angry because my t is the one who has coaxed the child part of me out and asked her to ask for what she needs.

But every time i try to talk to my t about this, she says that she doesn't remember telling me that my needs are wrong or that what i want is too much for her -- that those are MY thoughts and feelings.

We are going around in circles about it. I'm so confused. Am i supposed to elicit the child's needs, but not ask for them to be met? Should i encourage adult needs but suppress child needs? I can't always tell which is which or what needs are OK or not OK.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Skysblue,

So. . .yes, t's want us to get in touch with our child parts. But then what? Soothe, help, fix their problems? If that were possible, we would have done that to start with and we wouldn't need therapy, would we? The only thing i can figure out is that therapy seems like a journey where our child self is lost or something, and t is only a guide to help us find her. Once we've found our child self, the t wants to step out of the picture. The problem with that is that the child part, once found, has hurts and needs and often attaches to the therapist with the hope that some of those unmet needs and desires can be healed and met in the t relationship. I don't want my t to pretend to be interested in the child part of me if she just intends to step aside and leave me with her to flail alone. I don't know if I'm saying this right. But i'm just discouraged.

The other point is how to get those unmet child needs met in an adult way. I do not know what is meant by this, or how that happens.

I'm still working through this process myself. I guess if you feel unsafe with your T and if she abandons you just as you need her the most, then it would definitely be discouraging.

I discovered with therapy and with accessing some child parts of myself that I have abandonment issues. I hadn't known that before. It's getting played out with my T right now. I am very attached to her and she knows it and we've discussed it. When she leaves on vacation or there are interruptions with our meetings, I start feeling some panic.

I told her it makes no sense to me because it's not like she's in my life in any way except for those few minutes once a week. Luckily my T doesn't 'abandon' me. She's using my awareness of those feelings to help me tap into something deeper - like what is the origin of them and how those needs were not met as a child and how to understand them better.

I think what is happening is that she models the kind of behavior that reassures me that she won't abandon me. With enough reassurance and practice learning that some behaviors by her or others does not signify abandonment, then I can possibly not have that reaction in the future.

A child's brain will interpret events in a way that an adult brain will not. So a child will see a closing door, maybe, and it will signify the end of a relationship because when the door closed the parent may not have returned for what was an interminable amount of time and it felt like permanent abandonment.

The adult may not understand why seeing a closing door causes such panic but by accessing the child's experience, she begins to see the connection and can re-experience the closing door over and over until she understands that it doesn't signify abandonment anymore.

So, trusting your T is paramount in altering your perception. If she doesn't give you a safe place to experience your child fears, then how can you hope to have a place to show them freely?

Now, I'm not sure what I've written is accurate about how bringing the child parts forth works in therapy. I'm trying to understand it myself so I may be way off.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Omers

I worked with 2 T's that pulled that BS... neither did me any good and I deeply regret and am pained by the time I spent with them. I have a T now that doesn't work with parts/child needs and said it up front BUT when I talked to about my need for touch and holding etc. She sent me to the best massage T EVER. Massage T does work with parts/littles/child needs no matter how they present themselves. Not always the what I envisioned it but sometimes ya gotta do things a little different when it is an infant/young child need in a 34yr old body. T has never once made me feel uncomfortable about the needs that did not get met as a child, she has never once told me they would not/could not get met (don't fall for that crap)... T always helps me find my way to getting them met.

They are NEEDS plain and simple... just because we didn't get them when everyone else did doesn't make them a want they were and are NEEDS!!

not that i have an opinion

Hi Omers,

I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with 2 t's when it came to dealing with your child part, and that it still hurts. I think t's need to be SOOOO careful when they encourage/elicit/invite the hurt child part of us to come forward, they need to be sure that they are going to be able to handle what comes up. In my t's case, she's a very caring, kind person. And i think she wants to help my child parts. But when i actually let that part of me come forward and express needs, she is hesitant to meet those needs because they DO, in fact, resemble the needs of a child, and I'm an adult.

For example, i've needed frequent email responses from her. If she tells me she is too busy to reply to me, that really hurts the child part of me deeply. It triggers old stuff from my childhood when my mom was too busy for me. So then i get angry and feel hurt. Well, if she then goes into an explanation of how only infants should need that much contact/responsiveness and not adults, which i am, that makes me feel tons of shame and i feel like there is something really wrong with me, and i shouldn't need what i do. Now i know she is just trying to reason with me, and she says that she was not attaching any negative feelings to that observation (that i seem to need her to be there 24/7 -- which is actually an exaggeration). But how else can i take that statement, other than as negative???

I guess in some ways i feel like i'm being "corrected" or admonished not to be like a child, when i do have parts of me like a child. So i end up thinking, well if you don't want me to have needs like an infant or small child, then stop asking me about my child part and what she needs.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Omers

I worked with 2 T's that pulled that BS... neither did me any good and I deeply regret and am pained by the time I spent with them. I have a T now that doesn't work with parts/child needs and said it up front BUT when I talked to about my need for touch and holding etc. She sent me to the best massage T EVER. Massage T does work with parts/littles/child needs no matter how they present themselves. Not always the what I envisioned it but sometimes ya gotta do things a little different when it is an infant/young child need in a 34yr old body. T has never once made me feel uncomfortable about the needs that did not get met as a child, she has never once told me they would not/could not get met (don't fall for that crap)... T always helps me find my way to getting them met.

They are NEEDS plain and simple... just because we didn't get them when everyone else did doesn't make them a want they were and are NEEDS!!

not that i have an opinion

Omers,

Maybe my t doesn't believe that what i need as far as proximity/responsiveness is truly a need????

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Omers,

Maybe my t doesn't believe that what i need as far as proximity/responsiveness is truly a need????

Omers,

I have thought that i will treat myself to massage more often, as i also have the need for touch. And even though my t is willing to hug me if i ask her, even that was a source of disagreement for years, as she had reservations about granting that.

I don't mean to make her sound mean, as she truly is not. She's very kind and caring!! But i just get the sense that she keeps inviting my hurt child part out to express her needs, but then they become "too much" and my t backs away. She does it in indirect ways. . .such as, maybe we'll have an especially connecting session. . .on my very next email to her, it will happen to be that she is "too busy" to reply. Or say i send 6 emails in a month's period -- 5 of them with questions about my therapy, and 1 where i tell her how much she means to me. . .she will answer the first 5, but that 6th email where i say how i feel about her, that's the one where she just happens to be "too busy" to reply. T would say that I'm just reading into the situation, that she's not pushing me away, but it seems to me that she IS. . .and maybe she is the one who doesn't see it in herself.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Improving

Peaches, you are making perfect sense. This is a tension that T and I discuss all the time, and haven't yet found a solution for. I know that this can be very painful and I'm sorry you're struggling with it

Omers, thank you for clarifying the need vs. want thing. This is another thing T and I are 'discussing' (somewhat heatedly! ) at the moment. I like the concept of always finding a way to get our needs met, even if it's not in the way we would initially have chosen. I always enjoy your posts and hearing about your experiences

Hi Improving,

Yes, it is very painful. Thanks for acknowledging that. I've heard the key to getting unmet needs met is to find a way to meet them ourselves. And i have been doing that, through self-soothing, etc. But it's not the same, it doesn't feel like what i need -- to just give it to myself. It doesn't rid me of needing that connection/reassurance from my t. I still feel it acutely. When it appears that my needs can never truly be met, the only way i can deal with it is to forceably submerge those needs and push child parts back down into my subconsious where i won't let myself think about them and what they need.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Peaches
I am sorry that you are struggling with this and I can appreciate what you are going through myself. I think that you hit it on the nail when you talked about balance. However, really t's, we are in therapy for a reason. Most of us don't know how handle these child needs and intense feelings let alone know how to balance them. I think that you are incredibly brave to even be reflecting on this and open with your t. I hope that she can find a way to help you through this with out shaming you. That to me is the worst. Being exposed and vulnerable and then to be shamed. Maybe you could tell her that is how you are feeling. I think t's really cringe if they think they may be adding to clients shame. Good luck with this. I sincerely hope you can find comfort soon.

Hi Kacey2,

Yes, i need help to understand where the balance is. Because right now, i am bouncing back and forth from needing too much -- to forcing all my needs back down because they appear too extreme and i've felt shamed by realizing it. I know my t would never shame me on purpose, but she has done it by comparing my need for email replies/responsiveness as being equivalent to an infant, and bringing to my attention that i am an adult.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Omers,
I guess in some ways i feel like i'm being "corrected" or admonished not to be like a child, when i do have parts of me like a child. So i end up thinking, well if you don't want me to have needs like an infant or small child, then stop asking me about my child part and what she needs.

I'm thinking that once we see which childlike behaviors result from accessing those child needs, we can explore those feelings more deeply. And learn that what we think we need in behaviors from others is not what the adult really needs. What the adult really needs is reassurance about the fears that those behaviors represent.

For example, I have a 'need' that no one ever gets mad at me. When they do I become very 'small' and vulnerable and I feel very very terrible and think I'm a bad person and everyone hates me and I must do everything possible to avoid someone getting mad at me. Why do I feel that way? - Not sure, but it probably stemmed from childhood when I was dismissed and received a lot of anger from my mother.

Now, when T displays anything that looks like anger or disapproval, I spin into the same kind of response. Now, I have asked her to tell me everything that I could do that might generate negative feelings in her so that I can avoid doing those behaviors and so not to have to experience her 'getting mad' at me.

Now, that's a silly and unreasonable request. Let us say that she agreed to it. What has been gained? My child parts are getting what she wants and will not have to face some tough emotions but my adult part never learns how to face what is normal in life - occasional disapproval from others.

What my T tells me is that it is normal human interaction that we won't be happy with each other on a regular basis - that there will be ups and downs but that does not change the solid foundation of a relationship. There has to be room for disagreement and dislike or it's not an authentic or real relationship.

So, maybe what your T is saying is that if she gives in to your child fears and what is subsequently your child demands, you will not learn how to transform those child parts, that had not developed normally, into the adult parts.

Recognizing that we have developmental delays is where accessing those child needs is important. Once we have identified them, we can study them better and then learn how to change them into more appropriate adult ways of satisfying those needs.

This is a great thread - lots of food for thought. Thanks

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think you have to ask your T again until you understand what she means.


Are you sure your T said the above? If she did, maybe you interpreted it wrong. It seems to me that yes, you can bring your infant needs into therapy, and yes, those needs are "fitting for an infant." Has your T worked with you on how to satifsy those needs? Since she does IFS, I think she means that you can treat the infant part one way, but you have to treat the adult another way. Your Self is an adult, and needs to be treated as an adult. So, you and T can meet the infant's needs but know that YOU are an adult and need to be treated that way. Am I making sense at all? Like when my T asks me, about an infant or child part: "Does she know I'm there?" I am the adult, and the infant is the part I am trying to soothe.

Hi Rainbow,

My t did not the use words "Your needs are too much for me." It is more indirect things. . .such as on those rare times when i have just felt really close with her, my very next email will be the one she is "too busy" for. Or her comparing my needs to an infant, and telling me adults don't need that level of attentiveness. . .which makes me feel what i need is wrong and inappropriate.

I feel confused by the part of your message where you talk about treating the infant one way, and the adult another way. It's not always clear to me when I have a need whether it is a child's need or an adult's need. I'm not even sure that i always know when i'm in that child state versus my adult state. I just know what it feels like to have a need -- and how bad it feels if it can't be met -- and how shamed i feel if i hear (or think i hear) that what i need is infantile or wrong. Maybe that's what i should talk to my t about. . .how to tell if a need is an adult need or a child need. And what to do about it.

[Sannah]

Peaches, remember that you want your needs met from a distance? When you are in session you ask for nothing and then leave session and want a lot of email contact. I'll bet that your T would be very willing to meet your inner child needs in session but you don't seem comfortable with that. I think that what your T is objecting to is meeting your needs from a distance with a lot of email contact.

I read the original 2 posts but haven't read replies yet. I'm at work and don't have much time.

The reason it is asked that people get in touch with their child-parts is so that those parts can get some pieces of healing. But yes, at the same time, you are now an adult and your needs have to be met in an adult fashion. The T sounds like she is trying to heal the child, through the adult you.

Trigger warning possibly!

I'll use an example that has come up in my own therapy. If the child wants to be breastfed, that's an ok want from a small child. We can talk about those things. What do they mean? To be nurtured, and safe, taken care of, and comforted. Now take that to the adult world we are now in. What can T do to provide you with nurturing, safety, taking care of you, and comforting you? Perhaps she can sit next to you and rub your back, or hold your hand, talk to you softly, give you words of validation and a feeling of being held close and securely.

You have to be able to hold in one hand, the wants of being a child and healing that child part, and in the other, the knowledge that you are an adult and so things have to look differently. But neither part should be completely cut off from another. That 'child' has a right to be heard and comforted, it's just the way about it is different.

Make sense?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by skysblue

It's a bit confusing for me too. I think that we need to access those child needs that were never met and inhibited our emotional development. My T refers to it as developmental issues. I guess once we've identified them, then we find ways to meet them in an adult way? Again, I'm not sure myself.

Hi Skysblue,

I had a session since i posted this. But I'm still unclear about it. I can't recall how my t explained it now. I keep drawing a blank. I think one of my problems in trying to understand this is that i have dissociated parts to my personality. I don't have DID, but do dissociate. T has referred to parts of me being "stuck in the past." So anyway, I have this adult-like part of me that is how i am most of the time. But i also have a part of me that only shows up at certain times and feels just like a small, scared little girl. My t has said she wants to work with this small part of me. And I've exercised alot of control to try and hold that part of me back and in hiding. Mainly because i feel ashamed of it. But having got brave enough a few times to let that part of me show up in t. I know it's that part of me that has needed email replies. But now i feel regret that i let that part of me show what i need because t seems to be implying that it's not OK for an adult. I'm sorry if I keep repeating myself. My mind is trying to understand this. I feel like i am being asked to choose one part of myself and deny the other. But the one that i think t wants me to deny is the child part that she has said is in need of healing.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I know the hesitation. My T comments on the 'adult' Skysblue. And I'll respond, "See, that's why I shouldn't regress in therapy." And she tries to explain to me that I must get in touch with the child parts. My T has never said I was 'too much' for her but we've been discussing how my reactions to her reflect MY fear that I'm too much for her. She keeps encouraging me to get to know my child parts. But the instinct is to keep them hidden also.

Yes, your t says the same things that my t says. Maybe she is telling me to meet my own child needs? I do try to do this. But it doesn't always feel possible or like what is needed. I have noticed that when i pay attention to what the child part of me is feeling and wanting, i (the adult me) feels very overwhelmed and I have a hard time tolerating the strong feelings that come up and the way the neediness feels like a deep, longing pain. I also find that my efforts to soothe child parts when they are in pain only works to a small degree. It doesn't take the pain away. I'm always aware at the time that the child parts of me want that soothing from my t and not from me.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I don't understand what she means either. Her message and actions seem very confusing and conflicting. I think you need to ask her and be clear what she wants from you before going down that road of opening up the hurt child. I agree if there's a hurt child, it needs addressed but with someone confident to handle it.

Hi Asiablue,

Thanks for the advice. Yes, i do feel at times that my t is inconsistent when it comes to this hurt child part of me. The way that i have experienced it is that initially, my t was eager and willing to connect with that hurt child part of me and be soothing and reassuring. But this past year or so, she seems to have stepped quite aways back and wants me (adult me) to soothe my own child parts. While i understand that this is a goal of therapy, what it feels like to me is like being pushed out of the nest before i'm ready. It is true that my t has already gone through the stages of giving child parts support. But most of that time, i have not been able to "take it in," out of fear of closeness and fear of getting attached and losing her. So i feel that, in a very real way, that i have not really gone through that stage of receiving support from her in a way that has strenghthened me to be able to start meeting my own needs. It's not that i don't want to trust her. I do! And we've been working together a long time. But i just have so many defenses that have to be gotten through before i can even grant my t access to my hurt child part.

It feels to me that my t has sort of given up trying to meet the needs of the hurt child part because she has given and given, and i've never really been able to "let her in." And now lately, she just emphasizes what i can do to help myself.

Also, while my t has always wanted to do trauma processing with me, I've always gotten too overwhelmed and the pain was bad enough to interfere with my functioning for 2-3 days afterward. My t was always hopeful that skills training and coping skills would help me eventually be able to process trauma. But now she says we may never be able to target those traumas.

I dunno -- in a way i feel like a failure in therapy as everything seems to trigger me, and i'm so sensitive and reactive. And it's like i'm desperate for connection with my t, and i tell her this, but in face to face sessions, i always have my game face on and feel stiff and can't let go. It's like i'm stuck in guarded mode. And it also keeps me from accessing my own child part, or in being able to tell her what i need from her.