i think about my T alot

I think about my T alot. What would happen if I told her this or that? What if I showed up on her doorstep (of course i wouldnt). What if I saw her in the store. Would she spend more time with me if she knew I was struggling? I dream up scenarios (for fantasy only).

WHAT does that mean about me? Why do i do that?

It means not only do you now trust your therapist judgement but you also like and respect her as a human being.

Yea keep the problem scenerios as fantasy. theres nothing wrong with that but therapists tend to frown on clients that are creating problems just to see them more. Its in their training to be on the lookout for when clients start becoming overly dependant on them. Therapy is so that the person can learn to function better on their own not for becoming dependant on other people. So when therapists start seeing a client is becoming TOO dependant on them they are supposed to back off and have been known to transfer the client to a different therapist.

Show up on her doorstep? Well that depends on the type of therapist you have and what your relationship for therapy is. When I was with SKR for therapy purposes it was ok for me to stop by to drop off my journals and so on because that was what we were doing for therapy. Im with LL now. show up on her doorstep. She wouldn't be rude but she would definately make sure I knew it wasnt acceptable and she would talk to me during session NOT ON HER DOORSTEP. We have not discussed this exact situation but she has told me that she does not give out her phone numbers, address and emails to clients. she tried that once and she learned by doing that she no longer had time to herself. her down time ended up being worktime and thats not good for a therapist. it burns them out. She needed to leave work at work and home time at home. I do know her phone numbers and so on but my showing up on her doorstep or calling without a REAL emergency would be my abusing that knowledge and her and her boundries too.

One time LL saw me at the public library. She told me at my next session. She didn't know if it was alright to approach me because sometimes people feel uncomfortable having their doctors, teachers, therapists and so on acknowledge them in public (especially if they are with some one) At that time I told her sure its no problem with me. And she said since she now knows its ok with me denpending on what her plans she may or may not say hi to me when we meet up in public like that. If she didn't it wasn't because she was ignoring me. It was because she had things to do and get done and didn't have time to say hi.

The library isn't the only place I could and may run into LL. I know that she sometimes uses the same grocery - department store that I do. She mentioned this when I was telling her some of my friends work there and I frequently visit and have dinner with my friends during their lunch or dinner breaks. I don't wander around my department store looking for LL. Since I know she uses that store I know that there may at some point come a time when we meet up in there.

My friends all know that I am seeing a therapist so it would be no big deal for me and a friend to be having dinner and LL and I acknowledge each other. In fact I would even introduce her to my friends.

I think it means you trust and care about her. She must be good at her job since she is helping you feel better.

Remember, she is doing her job (to help you and others). It really isn't appropriate, respectful, or healthy to interfere in her personal life. Try not to encourage your fantasies. Too much fantasizing can lead to obsessions and possibly inappropriate behavior on your part. Reality is . . . it is none of your business what your therapist does on her own time.

I told SKR when I was having these type of fantasys about her and she told me that fantasys are ok everyone fantasizes at some point or another about the people in their lives. Every human being has the ability and does daydream whether or not they admit to it. Also said that most of th e time when she has found out that clients are fantisizing about her it is because something in their lives is making them feel uncomfortable and even if it seems like the fantasy has nothing to do with what the person is feeling in real life that problem IS somewhere in that fantasy. So fantasizing is not only a way for someone to bring themselves comfort but is also a calm and appropiate way to work out that problem that lead to their fantisizing anyway. She saw nothing wrong with my fantisizing and had no fears that my fantisizing about her was going to make me obsess about her.

Bottom line everyone fantisizes about the people in their lives (and those not in their lives). If fantasizing was not natural and ok we would not be DID for it is this ability that DID's used during abuse situations to mentally escape the abuse.

usually after i post i feel better , but not this time.

Remember, I just said I think about her alot. I never said I would go see her. Its just I think about her. Please disregard the thread.. its not important anyway.

But you are important, and so are your words and thoughts. Besides this is a good post. If you don't mind, it's exactly what I'm worrying about too.

I think about my T a lot. And I feel like I like him too much. I discussed it with him yesterday. It kind of fell out, I hadn't meant to discuss it. I wanted him to say something like; "yeah, you got to try to keep that in check." But he didn't. He just said stuff about it happens cause of all the stuff you discuss, and that these relationships are different. It didn't really help. It just made me feel anxious and angry, at him and me.

It feels stupid to worry about liking someone too much. I know somehow I should just let it go and ignore these feelings. It makes me feel so angry, I just want to rage. It feels ridiculous to spend so much time thinking about them, especially when you kind of know they won't be thinking about you again until two minutes before your next session.

Good to hear that others think about them too much also. My therapist once joked about how he knew I was actually doing okay cause I'd had the presence of mind not to show up on his doorstep. It makes me feel like such an idiot to be caught on this.

If you feel like talking more, I'm listening. Quay

Esthervirtue,

I agree with Quay--it is important and you are important.

I guess I didn't respond to your post because I'm struggling with this very same thing. Wasn't sure what to say. I think about my T. way too much (huh-- did I just admit that??? )

Ok- so I said it.... now......... about "why". Well, I think for me it's that I've never had that feeling that someone is truly on MY side. He actually listens to ME!! He is accepting in a way I wish others could be to me--- I'm thinking it's like a child/parent type thing, in that it feels like unconditional acceptance. I never got that growing up-- there were always conditions that needed to be met and.. I knew deep down in my heart that I could NEVER meet those expectations to be accepted by my family. And so this acceptance that I feel perhaps is fulfilling a need I've had for so so long--- but then--- what does one do with this feeling?? Is it appropriate to think about someone else so much-- when, like Quay said-- he probably doesn't think much about me until just before my next session. It seems kind of one sided which in itself doesn't seem healthy......

Sometimes I really wonder if -- for certain people-- therapy hurts more than the broken life just left alone??? I don't know-- maybe it's just me and my vulnerability??

Anyway-- I think it's good you posted and I understand where you're coming from.

EV--

OH! (((esthersvirtue))) It IS important..and very normal to have this happen! When a T becomes safe to you, then it allows for you to begin to design what "safe" means IRL for you.... usually ppl who have had abuse in any form have had their trust trampled upon..and they no longer have good lines - if any- of who they are, what they are allowed to feel, how far away or close other's "should" be...

T's model what a safe, good relationship should be. We have to work with that, thinking, dreaming, yes sometimes fantasizing, about what we wish... and from that you form new, safe parameters for living.

IMO, it's shows progress in your therapy journey, and is commendable (PS, you are also correct to not act on the "out of bounds" thoughts... that, too, is part of your relearning safe relationships.)

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mandyfins said:
And so this acceptance that I feel perhaps is fulfilling a need I've had for so so long--- but then--- what does one do with this feeling??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You embrace the feeling. You thank your therapist after every session. Discuss with your therapist any uncomfy feelings.

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mandyfins said:
Is it appropriate to think about someone else so much-- when, like Quay said-- he probably doesn't think much about me until just before my next session. It seems kind of one sided which in itself doesn't seem healthy......

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ((((((mandyfins))))))) I'm certain all good therapists think on their off time about their patients. Also, I think fantasizing can be useful and can be harmful. Too much of anything is not healthy. Try to put things in perspective, in balance. Recognize the importance of other things/people in life.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mandyfins said:
Sometimes I really wonder if -- for certain people-- therapy hurts more than the broken life just left alone??? I don't know-- maybe it's just me and my vulnerability??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> There are many types of therapies. It's good to try different types if possible. Timing is important . . . some people need more pushing than others. A good therapist knows when to change directions.

I too agree it is important ((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))

I thought of something this morning after I logged off to go to a dr's appointment.

My present therapist knows I use thinking about my therapists and being with that therapist as a way to calm myself and when we do relaxation visualizations in sessions we have recorded a couple of them just so that I can imagine being in my therapists office doing relaxation visualizations and really do the relaxation visualizations as I am thinking about doing them with her as a way to calm me after panic attacks and nightmares so that I can go back to sleep. If LL thought it was wrong for clients to use imagination this way she never would have recorded the relaxation visualization sessions for me.

Oh estersvirtue, I am with sky on this. It is very healthy and so easy for those of us with abuse histories. It is actually helpful to me to have my T in my head when I am going through things that are scarey or triggering. I can hear her words and feel the comfort of her unconditional acceptance.

When I was young I saw a counselor at my high school who was a big fat turd ball but at the time I idolized him and thought about him constantly and wanted him to see the me I was inside. He was a judgemental, dumb, opinionated *** but it took me 3 years to figure that out. He really despised me.

The one bad thing about this closeness with my T is she tells me flat out when I am on the wrong page and does not let it slide until I acknowledge it. I did not agree with her on something this week and I will need to come clean and tell her.

Esthersvirtue,

Don't know if any of these post helped in any way--- I do hope you are feeling better. (sorry I misspelled your name in my first post )

Thinking of you---

Thanks Jennie for your replies to my post-- I will think on the things you pointed out-- thanks for your help. All insights are much appreciated.

thanks every1....for ur posts.. ive just been having a hard week, but thanks for your support.

Thank you for this post.

I agree that everyone fantasizes. Although, I don't think I could ever admit to my therapist that I fantasize about him. I don't want to cross the ethical boundries or make him uncomfortable.

He is very caring and understanding. He is also very attractive. This makes is a bit difficult but fun.

I don't think I'm brave enough to mention this to him although, he always says that I am a brave person. I will most likely keep it to myself. I'll just walk away with a goofy smile.

Thanks for breaking the ice.

i think it is pretty common for people to start thinking about their t's a lot as they become attached to them. you think about them... and you feel kinda good. you struggle a bit and you think about what they would say and you feel better. i think it is part of internalising the good role model. starting to internalise feeling cared about. i think it is a good thing and it shows that therapy is working.

that being said... i think it is important to moderate things so one doesn't end up idealising / so the fantasies don't get too intense.

i think that it is perfectly fine to talk to your t about your attachement and your fantasies and your feelings BUT THAT BEING SAID therapists differ in their willingness / ability to process such things. most therapists... i think they would feel flattered really. some therapists... might feel a little freaked out. especially with sexual fantasies (which are fairly common too and while therapists SHOULD be able to handle them... some can't).

all this being said... rationally sure i get it.
in practice.. no way in hell would i ever talk about this stuff IRL. no way in hell.

OH MY GOSH

I can't admit that to him. I'm too embarassed. Sexual fantasies? Yes, it's there but, I'm a bit hesitant to admit that to him. I don't want to cross the ethical boundries. I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

I'm sure he's trained to handle these things. He's a powerful figure.

I think my sexual lust for him is safe. He can't read my mind. I wrote on the previous post, I just walk away with grin on my face.

Thanks for the reply

I'd have a hard time too. But depending on his orientation, some therapists believe that transference of that kind is necessary in order for therapy to progress, and it's all part of the process. The feelings are important, and I would encourage you to share them and let your T help you to understand them.

I know it's very uncomfortable though.

TC,
Rap

I understand about the embarrassement - I think I would feel the same!

The idea of talking about it though... Is that the feelings arise from transference. The notion is that you project feelings on to your t that are feelings you have had for past figures in your life. Processing sexual feelings... Can help you feel less embarrased / ashamed about sex. Can help you have healthier sexual attachments / relationships in your present life... At least in theory when all goes well ;-)

Oh... And if it is any consolation (ie if it helps you feel more normal...) I tend to have some sexual feelings to male clinicians. In fact... I've heard that it is fairly common for people to have homosexual / lesbian sexual feelings for clinicians too even when the person isn't homosexually / lesbian inclined outside therapy.

Having fantasies doesn't mean you would actually want that to happen IRL...

I mean... People fantasise about people off tv and porn stars and stuff... doesn't mean they would actually want sex with them IRL. fantasy is different...

You're welcome. I never had sexual fantasys about my therapists. But If I had sexual fantasys about SKR I would have had no problem telling. We got into a few conversations about sex and fantisizing because I am a sexual abuse survivor and being sexually active has not always been easy for me.

Years ago when I was in this one particular support group and having trouble sleeping because I never knew when one of my abusers was going to show up. So one night we got a bit carried away in this group having fun brainstorming the tradition ways of dealing with abusers vs todays socieetys ways of handling an abuser and alone the way some spoke up and told me that if I had any more trouble getting slepp that night to fantasize that so and so was in my closet with a baseball bat, so and so was at my window with her glass soda bottles she takes into the woods to smash when she want to release pent up stuff and so and so in bed with me holding me safe and sound while we listened to my music and the rest of the group scattered gauntlet style through my house. To get to me the abusers had to go through all of them. My therapist at that time was attending the group as a guest speaker and joined right in telling that she was going to be right there in the bed on the other side of me protecting me too. So ever since no matter what therapist I am seeing that therapist is in my fantasy every night on guard protecting me while I slept in her arms. I add realism to it by positioning my pillows into a V and pretending that V is my therapist arm around me. When I told SKR about this she thought it was a great idea.

I can't think about anything else but my T and Pdoc. I think about them day and night. I think i wish that they were my mum and dad. even though I'm an adult. I really miss them and I am not looking forward to the day when they say that i don't need to see them anymore. I really like them alot. i wouldn't want to tell them how much I think about them because I am afraid that they will leave me or deliberately see me less often just to see how i react. I would be devestated.

I used to think about people...put a lot of time into thinking about this certain other person...and what I found is the amount of time was so great, that for those three years I didn't grow as a person because all my time was simply spent thinking of this other person...it was during my adolesence and when I went away to college I was numb and had no clue who I was...so in my opinion take a close look at the amount of time these thoughts can take up and I personally see too much tought as DANGEROUS.

It's really ok, folks... as long as the boundaries are firm, it can be useful in the therapy process. It's called transference, and imo (and most experts)there is an element of transference that is required for good therapy to take place.

Don't be embarrassed, don't try to quell it, but also, don't feed it. Allow it.

Attachment is whether or not a client likes their therapist or not.example - I like LL and sometimes it makes me nervious when she is out of town. It relaxes me to think about her and pretending I am doing a relaxation visualization at night so that I can sleep.

Transference is taking the clients feelings for the topic being discussed and putting it onto the therapist or inanimate object so the client can work the situation out. Example taking about an abuser and feeling like the therapist is the abuser, role playing that the therapist is the abuser, imagining the chair is the abuser, and so on. "if your abuser was sitting right here what would you say?" If I was your abuser what would you feel, say ectera."