[Yearning0723]

Whenever I have a session, I have so many things I want to say, so many emotions I feel, but they're all buried deep and somehow I can never access them in session. When I'm on my own, I have no trouble feeling sad or even crying, but in front of T, I just can never muster it. It's just unnatural for me to be vulnerable in front of other people, so it's hard to do, even though I know it will feel really good once I get past that. But (broken record alert), I am also scared of it feeling good, because that will lead to attachment feelings, and attachment feelings are bad.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely tonight and that's why I wanted to post this...I know it's just the same old, same old...the loneliness is really overwhelming sometimes.

[Bill3]

I'm glad that you posted.

The hard things that you want to do will come in time.

Could you please say again what is bad about attachment feelings with regard to T?

[guilloche]

Hi Yearning...

I don't think it's unusual to have trouble expressing your emotions with your T... I'm the same way. My T says that part of it (for me!) is getting to the point of feeling "safe" with him. For me, that's part of the work I need to do upfront... it's taking awhile, but we're slowly getting there. I guess some people can feel safe pretty quickly with their T, but some of us take awhile to get to that point!

Note sure if it's the same issue for you... but it's one thing to think about!

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm glad that you posted.

The hard things that you want to do will come in time.

Could you please say again what is bad about attachment feelings with regard to T?

Attachment feelings/some sort of maternal transference generally starts when I'm vulnerable with people. A) it's just plain scary and B) it drives people away when you're too needy. It happened with my former T and pretty much everyone I've ever gotten close to in life. And it's just embarrassing too...I mean, I'm 19 now, and acting like I'm 5 is just unbecoming.

[Bill3]

Thanks.

For you, what is the difference between feeling attached to someone and feeling needy ?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks.

For you, what is the difference between feeling attached to someone and feeling needy ?

I think for me they're the same thing. If I let myself attach, I wouldn't be able to stop...I'm also really scared that if I "allowed" this attachment to happen, then I would just start telling her really sad stuff to get her to feel sorry for me (this happened with past Ts) and it would be so gratifying that I would never want to get around to the real work. It's like the hotline thing - I get a real emotional kick out of other people caring for me.

Part of me feels like if I ever started crying in front of T, it would feel so good I would never want to stop. But at the same time, I think about things like hugs...part of me wants one, but part of me is also like, if T ever tried to hug me, my first instinct would be to push her away because I would be so uncomfortable and I would just hate it. My fantasy is a little kid fantasy that will just never happen. It can't. I'm a grownup up now, not a five year old who can just crawl into someone's lap and be rocked to sleep. Also, I am super disgusted with that five year old part of myself. It's pathetic. T says I should have compassion for it...but how can I have compassion for the one part of me that drives everyone else away?

[Bill3]

So it sounds like what you need in a T, and maybe also in a friend?, is someone who can have empathy and compassion but also won't take the bait and feel overly sorry for you.

What about hugs from nonTs? How would it be if a hug opportunity came from them?

how can I have compassion for the one part of me that drives everyone else away?

What if you could see that that part of you is really hurting?

[Abe Froman]

A lot of times I journal outside of therapy. Then often I'll go back through it before and kind of make notes about things I want to say. Sometimes I just read the whole thing even if it's four pages long.

I hope you can find a way to say what you need to see.

[RedSun]

Awww, yearning, big hugs for your 5year old if you want them...



And I don't know how to say this without sounding patronising, but I really don't mean to be...at 19, yes you're a grownup, but still a child as well. I had my first child at 19, and I think I got stuck a bit because I was still a child myself.

It's okay to be needy, and need cuddles and comfort. I know that this can drive people away irl, because they often have their own needs...but your t is here just for you, so if there is one place that you can hopefully be needy without Rejection it is with your t.

If you can manage to open up and be vulnerable with her, you may be less needy with others and be able to have balanced, healthy relationships because those needs are being met in therapy.

Which is all very well for me to say, because I can't be vulnerable in therapy ( or irl either) and I have a damaged 14 year old somewhere inside who I am horrid to.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Attachment feelings/some sort of maternal transference generally starts when I'm vulnerable with people. A) it's just plain scary and B) it drives people away when you're too needy. It happened with my former T and pretty much everyone I've ever gotten close to in life. And it's just embarrassing too...I mean, I'm 19 now, and acting like I'm 5 is just unbecoming.

I'm 40 and I had huge attachment to my T, I think it is something that often comes with therapy. I am not bothered by it at all. I felt that she was the mother I never had, I think it was healthy and a positive thing.

I too hate hate hate that needing someone feeling too. It is something that all my life I have avoided at ALL costs. I am now, after a year and a half, incredibly attached to my t. I tried to run and leave therapy as it made me feel weak & pathetic, but now, I really embrace the feeling and enjoy feeling that way when I am with him for those two precious sessions twice a week. I have however, spoken a lot about the attachment. He makes me feel it is normal & natural, so that has helped me deal with it. I also have transference (paternal dad) and absolutely adore him. I even text Hi dad to him. Just go with the feeling and vulnerbility, because it will help you to heal.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'm 40 and I had huge attachment to my T, I think it is something that often comes with therapy. I am not bothered by it at all. I felt that she was the mother I never had, I think it was healthy and a positive thing.

I, too, am 40 and quite attached to my T. I don't like to accept it though because the attachment hurts. She may be somewhat satisfying a need.... but not in my RL. She's my T. She's not a mother or a friend.... and that's the part that hurts. Because I think she's probably quite loving and fun in both roles. She talks about her daughter a lot.... and my pathetic 40 year old brain almost wishes I could trade places. Pathetic.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I'm 40 and I had huge attachment to my T, I think it is something that often comes with therapy. I am not bothered by it at all. I felt that she was the mother I never had, I think it was healthy and a positive thing.

You stated this in past tense. So, did you work through the attachment and "come out on the other side"?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

So it sounds like what you need in a T, and maybe also in a friend?, is someone who can have empathy and compassion but also won't take the bait and feel overly sorry for you.

What about hugs from nonTs? How would it be if a hug opportunity came from them?

What if you could see that that part of you is really hurting?

The grownup me is really not an affectionate person and dislikes hugs, but the little kid me craves them. When people who are not T try to hug me, it usually makes me tense up (except close family). And other people just find the five year old in me really annoying and pathetic, even people who say they understand and can take it, they really can't. The last person who I was really, truly open and vulnerable with told me she loved me (even the little kid me) and that it was okay to just cry in front of her and she would just hold me...she didn't mean it.

She told me it was okay, and then went and started complaining to other people about what a baby I was and how I was taking advantage of her. After that experience, I don't think I will ever be able to be vulnerable with someone ever again...I know I should tell T about the attachment I'm feeling to her, but I just can't make the words come out. And she can't tell otherwise, I know because we've talked about it...she doesn't find me particularly transparent.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

...other people just find the five year old in me really annoying and pathetic, even people who say they understand and can take it, they really can't. The last person who I was really, truly open and vulnerable with told me she loved me (even the little kid me) and that it was okay to just cry in front of her and she would just hold me...she didn't mean it.

She told me it was okay, and then went and started complaining to other people about what a baby I was and how I was taking advantage of her. After that experience, I don't think I will ever be able to be vulnerable with someone ever again...

This is why therapists get paid to do their job. They get paid not to complain - at least not when they will be overheard and cause more damage. Was this person a t? If so, then there was a problem you need repaired now. If not, why would you change the course of your future because this one person acted poorly towards you??

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by hankster

This is why therapists get paid to do their job. They get paid not to complain - at least not when they will be overheard and cause more damage. Was this person a t? If so, then there was a problem you need repaired now. If not, why would you change the course of your future because this one person acted poorly towards you??

My former T did the same thing...Ts are people too, and sometimes they get sick of stuff. And even if logically I know it's unlikely to happen, emotionally I just can't let go.

[Bill3]

Because this is so important, please forgive me as I would like to gently ask again:

how can I have compassion for the one part of me that drives everyone else away?

What if you could see that that part of you is really hurting?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Because this is so important, please forgive me as I would like to gently ask again:

What if you could see that that part of you is really hurting?

I do see it...but it's still hard for me to have compassion for it, because I feel like it's pathetic.

[Bill3]

You've spoken of how it is pathetic for a 19-year-old woman to behave like a five-year-old girl.

What if you look at the five-year-old just as a five-year-old? Alone. Not as part of a 19-year-old. Just as a five-year-old girl who is hurting. A small girl who is really hurting.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Whenever I have a session, I have so many things I want to say, so many emotions I feel, but they're all buried deep and somehow I can never access them in session. When I'm on my own, I have no trouble feeling sad or even crying, but in front of T, I just can never muster it. It's just unnatural for me to be vulnerable in front of other people, so it's hard to do, even though I know it will feel really good once I get past that. But (broken record alert), I am also scared of it feeling good, because that will lead to attachment feelings, and attachment feelings are bad.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely tonight and that's why I wanted to post this...I know it's just the same old, same old...the loneliness is really overwhelming sometimes.

Yearning,
Sometimes this happens to me. What I've found that really helps is writing everything down, and then bringing those notes to the session with me. Then I can address all of the items on the list, as I choose to.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Yearning,
Sometimes this happens to me. What I've found that really helps is writing everything down, and then bringing those notes to the session with me. Then I can address all of the items on the list, as I choose to.

I do that sometimes (did it a lot with my former T...she approved of the formality/organization)...but it's saying the words out loud that I struggle with...part of me just wants to send an email and be done with it, but T and I mutually agreed that email isn't the way to go for stuff like that because it gives me less incentive to push through my discomfort. But I just can't push through my discomfort. I just don't know how.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You've spoken of how it is pathetic for a 19-year-old woman to behave like a five-year-old girl.

What if you look at the five-year-old just as a five-year-old? Alone. Not as part of a 19-year-old. Just as a five-year-old girl who is hurting. A small girl who is really hurting.

This. I've been with my T for 2 years now and I've only recently begun to feel my child like part(s) as not entirely horrible and disgusting I've only just started to actually sort of visualize my one part who is probably like 4 or 5. She's cute lol and I hold her far away like she's not me since she really doesn't feel like part of me....So the disgust is waning and I'm starting to actually maybe feel a bit of okay-ness about her and a sort of curiosity. Her playfulness and joy is present sometimes. I kind of like it.....

But I could've written all of your posts in this thread, yearning. Every last one. I so get it.....and yesterday I saw my T and I was the ice queen. I was numb. All my feelings gone again and it's so hard and frustrating and confusing. But reading your posts here helped me. Maybe I need to really really tune into that child part of me during session. Try to connect with her. And feel. Have you been able to do this? I'm just starting to be able to do it outside of therapy and occasionally during, though it felt outside of my control. But maybe it is within our control? Maybe if we stop pushing the child away and actually try to get closer to her, she will show up in the room?

[PaulaS]

I don´t know how long you´ve been in therapy but if it´s only some months it´s natural feeling this way, even if you´ve been in therapy for a year or more. Perhaps you already knew this.

I´ve experienced the exact same thing, I thought about loads of things between sessions but when in session I felt a bit hindered by the therapy itself. I also think it´s a way to protect yourself from being hurt and from the thought that your T will judge you if you cry.

I was terminated a short time ago and I´d then never been crying in therapy. I think it would had happen but probably after a long time in therapy. Hard to say.

But an interesting thing happened when I´m now about to find a new T. I am much more vulnerable at the time as my former T terminating me made me feel very abandoned and I also really miss her. I still cry over the fact I won´t see her again, well not in therapy anyway.

I went to a potential new T and just after a few minutes I started to cry but I hadn´t intend to do so. Perhaps it was because I unconciously and quite immediately knew I would not continue seeing this T and then it didn´t matter anymore if I showed her such feelings.

With that I want to say that I understand how hard it is to show feelings in therapy and even harder to let yourself cry but even if this new T I met didn´t know me at all I got a respectful reception from her. She gave me some handkerchiefs and just sat waiting for me to be able to talk. If felt embarrasing but was a way to "try out" how you can relate to a T in a more genuine and emotional manner.

Perhaps you know this as already but I would like to put a small "warning sign" to this matter. I think you should ask yourself if you think this has to do with the T him- or herself, the fact that you can´t show that much emotions or honesty in therapy. Or perhaps you´ve attended therapy earlier on and knows you´ll eventually will show emotions, it´s just a process you have to go through before you do.

I would also think that the Ts´responsibility is to help you show emotions and being honest, if you mostly talk without showing emotions he or she should notice that and in a gentle way help you talk. If he or she doesn´t and just let you talk without getting into a more profound level in therapy, I think you should think about changing T. Just giving some advice, I don´t know the whole picture of course.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Whenever I have a session, I have so many things I want to say, so many emotions I feel, but they're all buried deep and somehow I can never access them in session. When I'm on my own, I have no trouble feeling sad or even crying, but in front of T, I just can never muster it. It's just unnatural for me to be vulnerable in front of other people, so it's hard to do, even though I know it will feel really good once I get past that. But (broken record alert), I am also scared of it feeling good, because that will lead to attachment feelings, and attachment feelings are bad.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely tonight and that's why I wanted to post this...I know it's just the same old, same old...the loneliness is really overwhelming sometimes.

[Yearning0723]

I think the biggest problem is just looking her in the eye (not literally...I mean being in the same room with her) and having her react to me (or not react...that's even worse). When we did a phone session one time over the summer I was crying hysterically over the phone...I was also in a different place, and she caught me at an emotional moment when we started our session...but something about being in the room with a T just shuts me down emotionally.

[Depletion]

Yearning, I think that most people have these little kids floating around inside of them. Its just kind of a result of a culture where people don't really understand how to love and parent. But there really is only so much growing up that a body can do without being totally miserable. One of the biggest reason that people need to make love is so that they can be kids together. And sex is always held up as this act of utter maturity, but it is really one of the silliest things that people do. And its one of the ways that people can meet some of these deep childish needs. So don't start thinking that you will be all grown up when you no longer have any little kid inside of you, because that day just isn't going to come. And hopefully one day you will meet someone special and they will want to know this little part of you, and you will get to know their little kid too. And as for now, your T is there to love and help you love this little part of you, and that means you are going to need her very much, and that is ok. Anyone who had a part of them like that would have those needs too. And needs are there because they need answers, not so they can be told to go away (because that never works).