Found new "good enough" T but I´m still feeling hesitant and very sad

You do realize that you can schedule a session with the T without deciding if you want to proceed into 'real' therapy.

Take it one session at a time. You will have to pay a reduced fee for each session, but it's only fair that the T is paid something for her time and experience.

And if you decide you don't want to proceed with her, you can just stop going. That solves the problem.

Paula, I don't want to get bogged down in the details of your and your T's communications and what was said and how it was said and what it meant and so on and so forth. I think, all that is irrelevant to the fact that you are not risking anything by giving it a try. You can quit any time if you want to. As far as the money is concerned, if you do decide to quit, don't look at the money you will have spent as a waste. Every life experience is a lesson no matter how negative or adverse. Everything is a learning experience, and, like it or not, learning always has a price tag attached to it, which may or may not be limited to the monetary spending. Trust me, if I had the level of awareness I have right now 10-12 years ago, I wouldn't have spent so much on my therapy and I wouldn't have stayed in therapy as long as I did. But I don't consider my time in therapy and the money I spent there a waste. At least half of my sessions were not worth the payments I made and I sure as hell am angry about it. Yet, I've learned a lot from all that experience, and for me to say that it was all just a loss is to say that it had no meaning, when, in fact, it did. Certain life experiences cannot be measured or estimated in tangibles. They are what they are and they cost what they cost. You learn, you process, you grieve and when you get to the point of accepting them for what they are and understanding what role they played in your life, you will grow and move on..

I'd say if you have doubts, give it a try because that's the only way to evaluate the T better and that would make it easier to decide if you should proceed. Just like the T is evaluating you, you have the right to evaluate them, to ask all the questions you have and to share all the concerns. There is no way for you to know how this T deals with your questions and concerns if you don't see her again.

The thing with this is also that there´s no question at all I could ask this potential T that would give me an answer as there is no answer. I mean, she could never, out of obvious reasons, tell me if the emotional bond will grow or not, if it will be strong enough or not.

I must admit that I just don't understand your perspective or experience of emotional bonds. You saw your past T for only 12 sessions, yet you are grieving the loss as though she were a close relation of long standing. That seems odd to me given that you seem unwilling to give anything of yourself to help create an emotional bond. You have been very guarded in your encounters with new Ts, saying it is because you're hurt and not feeling able to trust. Fair enough, but if you are withholding, it is unreasonable to expect tremendous caring and attunement from the Ts you've consulted. To subject them to your "skepticism" and tests for not giving you the emotional response you want when you're unwilling to show the part of yourself that would elicit a bonding response seems ineffective and inappropriate to me. It's as though you want them to be responsible for your feelings with them. But emotional bonds are relational; they are not one-sided. We get what we're willing to give.

It´s now like a nightmare or something as I´ve now received an answer from this potential T saying that she believes we should end our contact. She didn´t comment at all on what I said and the questions I had for her about therapy, questions she told me was ok to send her, she didn´t answer.

She used the expression that she believes we should but I think it´s over anyway. She got to know about my former termination and I told her, and have several times told her, that I saw our sessions as positive. I can´t really get this, I don´t understand it as she in the sessions told much about her being "open to conflicts" and she seemed understanding.

I´ve e-mailed her back and said I don´t want to exclude her as a potential T, I´ll now have to wait for an answer. I´m almost in some kind of chock, I just feel empty.

The thing was that the T herself told me it was ok to e-mail her some questions as I´ve already seen her for evaluation sessions and now had to decide whether to continue into therapy or not. I asked her if she wanted me to call her but she said it was better I sent her an e-mail.

I´m afraid you´ll be right in what you say when it comes to that using e-mails to a T will become a landmine. I though think that if I´d presented my view in session, she´d still believe we shouldn´t continue our contact.

The thing is that booking a new session with her had been the same thing as saying I wanted to start therapy with her. I wanted to ask her some additional questions out of the evaluation sessions we had and therefore I asked her if I could e-mail her or call her. She said it was ok to e-mail her.

I know I can quit even if I said I want to continue in therapy but that doesn´t feel right and because of my bad termination with my former T, I don´t want to get in and out of therapy several times.

Oh wow..I am so sorry.. Just what you need after having been terminated once

It seems to me that it'd be best for you to take a break and to temporarily discontinue your search for a therapist. If you don't take a step back and don't take time to reflect on what has happen so far, I am afraid, you'll keep getting the same thing over and over again which will add trauma on top of trauma. I understand the compulsion to resolve it with someone, but, at this point, you may not be in a good place to look for someone who can help you with that. Sometimes we need to do some work on our own. Therapy is not the only solution. There are other methods to heal our wounds. Taking therapy "vacation" and doing something comforting for yourself may be the best right now..Sorry again

Paula,

I'm sorry you are struggling so much. Can you take anti-anxiety medications to shut off the fear and worries, at least to get you started with a new T?

I'm an extremely fearful person too. One thing I've been successful at is doing things I'm scared to do. When i'm scared to do something, I 'push aside' the fearful thoughts to just do it. I'm not sure how to explain it better, but it's worked for me many times in the past. (Maybe it is suppression-a conscious, temporary repression?). The feelings will get dealt with eventually, but it's a way to get over the initital obstacles.

Paula, I'm very sorry about what happened. I agree with ididitmyway: this might be a good time to take a break from therapy and reflect on what's happened.

If you still want treatment maybe there are other options that might work, like group therapy. I know the thought of it is not always appealing, but it really helps a lot of people (sometimes more than individual therapy). Even a group that's social and activity oriented can be just as or more therapeutic than just talking. Also, a psychiatric nurse or a psychiatrist might be helpful if you think medication might help with your anxiety. I hope you can find something to help you out of this situation.

I understand your point and before I started to search for a T I had some time thinking and trying to begin to heal. But I got more anxious by just waiting and doing nothing and I back then sent a lot of enquiries, nearly to every potential T in my town. I went through every available register, I haven´t found more registers with T:s, and I sorted them out and also got offers from some of them.

Now, I feel I can´t wait for several months or so, I have to get back to those who offered me therapy at a reduced fee. At the moment I´m back on square one as I don´t have any obvious T:s to contact. There weren´t that many from the beginning due to the financial restraints on my behalf.

I mean, as I´ve already contacted almost everyone available already, I know there won´t be several other T:s I can contact. I though agree one can try to heal by doing other things than see a T but as I´ve had my problems, besides all this termination crap, for that long, I know I won´t solve them on my own.

When I suggested to take a break, I didn't mean to say that you should just wait and do nothing. That's not what taking time for yourself means.

I have an impression that looking for a therapist right now after a traumatic termination, has taken on an obsessive quality for you. It's like you feel strongly that the only thing that can take your pain away instantly is the "right" type of therapist who can urgently fix what your former therapist had broken, in other words who can undo the hurt ASAP. This is not going to happen, because this is not possible.

You are in a lot of pain at the moment and you are unable to set realistic therapy goals for yourself, and as long as this is the case, you will be getting hurt over and over again, as every therapist you'll see will, most likely, turn you down.

I think, it'd be best for you to contact some crisis center or even suicidal hotline, because it seems to me that you are in crisis. When you are in crisis, it's not a good time to look for a regular therapist, as they are naturally hesitant to take on a new client who is unstable. They deal with the crises of clients they already work with, but they don't normally take on new cases when the person is in crisis.

I think, it's time for you to reach out to other types of professionals and organizations, who can help you get stable.

I said this because before I went into therapy in first place I tried for such a long time to get myself together, spending time on leisure activities and so on for several years. My anxiety just became more prominent and I understood I won´t solve my problems on my own. I agree it would be good taking a shorter break but as I explained earlier, the T:s who offered reduced fees are not that many and often those slots offered at a reduced fee get scheduled pretty fast.

It´s because of that not just a matter of choosing a break or not, I have to take more perspectives into account. I saw a doctor for a referral to psychatric care and she sent a referral to two psychiatric clinics and they in just a few days denied taking me in as I didn´t have that severe diagnosis. As I don´t consider myself suicidal I couldn´t call such a hotline. There are some similar numbers to call but I don´t understand how such telephone calls could help me more than a T?

If a T thinks she can´t handle my issues, I´m really beginning to feel like a complete freak now, how could some person in a hotline handle them? Most often, you get to talk to them for about 20 minutes at most and often you have to call them several times to even get an answer.

Well, I am afraid you missed my point again..It's not really about the specifics of what you do. If you don't believe a hotline will help you, fine, don't call then. But being where you are right now, no therapist will be able to help you either. I don't think, you are in a place where you have enough mental clarity to define what kind of help you need and what exactly you want and expect a prospective therapist to do. How do you find this clarity? I don't know. What I do know is that as long as you don't have it, you will continue to get disappointed.

Oh, this hurts.

I am sorry. I didn't want to hurt you when I said it. Please, don't take my words as a judgment because it isn't. I just expressed my vision of the situation, which is based on what I've learned from my life experiences. I am not saying you are doing something wrong. What I am saying is that you need to be clear about your own needs at all times if you want to avoid disappointments, and, unfortunately, being in such pain, you can't have the clarity you need to get an adequate help.

I agree with Ididitmyway - and though it may hurt to hear, I think there is some valuable learning here.

I was in extreme distress when I first sought out therapy several years ago. I'm convinced the psychiatrist who assessed me at the hospital was damn near frightened of me. I could feel his subconscious attempt to recoil from me as I sat across from him. It was horrible. I was so needy at the time, and his inability to handle my neediness was incredibly distressing to me. But I came by that neediness honestly, and over time I learned to respect that the neediness was the result of a sh*tload of poor experiences I had leading up to that moment and a lack of 'good enough' parenting to help me get through it.

My mom was an anxious person who was afraid of my anxiety, which meant MY MOM WAS SCARED OF ME. How does one grow up healthy in that kind of household?

My T said that one has to be ready to engage in therapy. There are a lot of things that can be done to prepare for therapy, and I think group therapy is a great option for you. I've done group therapy many times, so I'm not saying it in a judgmental way. I find it very helpful.

Group therapy will allow you the opportunity to practice working within a therapeutic framework. There are rules to this framework, of course. Personally, I had a hard time dealing with the rules when I was not well. But experiencing these emotions allowed me the opportunity to practice managing them, which helped me get through them.

The good news is that group therapy is less expensive, so it will be less difficult financially as well. Give it a try! I think you might like it.

Good luck!

I think therapists fail potential clients more than anyone likes to admit. The statistics on how many people never return after the first appointment bear that out. And I do not believe it is because the client is not ready to engage.

But that also doesn't indicate the therapist "failed," but more likely, that the client decided they simply weren't the right fit. That isn't about failure; that's just dynamics.

I believe therapists fail their clients more than people like to think. I think people tend to stretch all sorts of ways to give the therapists unwarranted benefit of the doubt for having a reason why they fail and/or to blame the client. I think therapists do this as well and I believe it in a client's best interest to be on guard about it so as not to fall prey to further bashing themselves because therapy is not being useful. I understand others think differently.

Success in therapy is as much about the client as it is about the therapist. Sure it's possible for a therapist to fail a client - it happens pretty often I'd think. It also happens that the client for whatever reason is not in a place where they are ready to make changes. Therapy is appropriate when clients have reached a tipping point and are ready to fully engage and make life changes. Like Ididitmyway wrote, therapy is going to be ineffective all he way around if a client hasn't reaches that point.

Paula, it's important to reflect on what exactly you hope to get out of therapy when deciding to enter into it. Getting bogged down on small details about emails or miscommunications says to me that you're not ready yet. When you know what you want, the focus of your search will shift to the overall fit as well as the Ts orientation, style, approach, etc...will be the focus of your search. Smaller personality differences and other minor details can be ironed out in session. You will be more flexible with these things when you know what it is therapy can do for you.

I don't think most clients are not ready to engage. I think therapists fail in explaining what is supposed to happen. I think most client difficulties lie in the failure of the therapist to explain.

I think many clients end up with Ts who are a poor fit, either due to personality, competence or orientation. Most people don't have the time or energy to invest in interviewing potential therapists. It's exhausting and for most people, not exactly fun. So, they drop it until it becomes a necessary intervention.

I agree. I met several therapists who were a very poor fit for me, and I saw them only a handful of times before quitting. It was a pattern for at least 10 years.

It wasn't until I really became undone that I found therapy truly useful.

I believe it was a combination of me being ready and a good match with my T.

it's okay to feel sad. i would too. look after yourself. you are not doing the 'wrong' or 'bad' thing. xxx