I text him that I was scared and he didn't reply, i can't stop the pain

My t has been trying to help find a method to help me with cptsd. I am a horribly hard patient, I know that and I have gotten kinda freaked out at the therapy methods he has wanted to try so yesterday he said he wanted to add Gestalt and we talked about my inability to connect to emotions beyond being sad. He asked a lot of questions about what I think of others and myself. I know I have a huge self-esteem issues and I DON"T trust or let people know how I feel.

I said I would never text him, but I have found that I periodically do. Today I had a home emergency that triggered multiple issues for me AND blocked my meds in my home so I couldn't get to it.

I freaked out and text him what was going on and that I was panicking. He completely ignored my freak out and what was happening and just said to go to a pharmacist and ask for some emergency meds to just get me to a doc for refill.

The freaking and stuff surrounding the mess got worse and I replied to his text that I was trying so hard to hold it together but was 'terrified' to go back into my home and especially sleep there and then about the guys that had showed up(men are part of my freak outs)...... The biggest thing is I decided to try to trust something might be different then my very few attempts in the past to state a feeling to someone and I finished the text by saying "I am scared". He never even replied. I feel like I have died inside. I tried it(I haven't said those words in around 20+ years and he KNOWS how hard it is for me). I don't want to be... I don't want to think.... I have tried 3 Xanax and it wont numb it. All his words were lies. I want to vanish from life.

I'm really pleased that you summoned up the courage to share your feeling.

I'll tell you some awful-feeling but true advice someone gave me when I felt similarly about my therapist not being there for me at a critical moment-

The reply I got was that it might just be that I needed to accept that my therapist wouldn't always have the right thing for me.

The... journey is to tell your truth. That was brave. That was progress! And even in therapy, sometimes when we do the 'right' thing- say the difficult stuff, make ourselves vulnerable, our therapists won't return the favor by doing what we most want/need.

But we don't break.

We can continue building that strong relationship, and learning that these hiccups are part of it.

I'm sorry you are having a tough night. I don't know exactly what it's like for you, but I have PTSD, and sometimes my anxiety, when people are in my space that I don't want there, and I can't get to my own coping methods, feels insanely uncomfortable so I sympathize at least.

Do you have any non-med coping techniques that could help a little bit?

Sometimes wrapping up in a shawl and hunkering down helps, other times music, or rereading other comforting things from my therapist, or doing something different like getting out can help a bit.

I am using every coping thing I have now and the meds. This was the first real try and it was a test of whether I can do this. The answer was a conformation of what I have always known and I want to just give up and run away to never return. I can't leave my t because he will feel bad wondering what he might have done and I can't do that to him but I know I can even consider trusting him to be there for me. I don't know what to do.

You don't have to do anything.

Your anxiety is probably hollaring as loud as it can that you do have to do something and do it immediately, but you've already said something critical!

In fact, you've done two great things in my book- you shared a feeling when you needed to, and you've decided to go back.

And that means this can work out. I've been through that and want to share that it can lead to a much stronger relationship. Feeling dropped doesn't mean you've been intentionally dropped or that he does not care, though I certainly understand those feelings, and they make sense to me.

This feels like the end, like an off-the-cliff moment, but when I've had those, the anxiety does eventually decrease, though often not nearly as soon as I would wish, and when it does, I'm able to work things out.

Thank you Leah... I hear your words but I just don't know.

He had to read that text and he KNOWS that emotions and trust are one of my biggest battles and he obviously made a conscious decision NOT to reply. He has only not replied to something a couple of times. He almost ALWAYS does, so for some reason with this disclosure I haven't tried to make in so long, he didn't care or had some other reason to leave me alone. I just don't understand. I know it is his weekend and I respect that, but all he had to do was say 'hang in there' or something easy like that. Anything other then ignore me. I just want my pills to nock me out so bad and I want t sleep for days or weeks.

Thanks for responding Leah, I needed that

Oh yeah, when some jerkoff told me that, lol, that my T might not always have what I needed or do the right thing or whatever, I didn't accept that for probably... couple weeks? Hard to say, it's been a while now.

I see it as people hurting us inadvertently. I really don't think he's being malicious, more that he is just living his life, whether that means being at an event, or turning off his phone for a while, or waiting to discuss this in person where he can communicate better, or whatever reasons we can guess or not imagine, that... he doesn't mean to hurt you. And so, it will work out.

Because I believe in this concept of the "good enough mother" which ties in with the thread on dependence on therapists.

And the bare bones of the concept, is a good mother won't be around or do the right thing all the time.

We'll cry, and she won't hear it. We'll need something, and she'll mess it up, give us the wrong thing, or nothing.

But *most* of the time, she'll be there, consistent and caring.

A good therapist is like that to me. They will mess up. Royally, sometimes, but they'll keep showing up for us.

At least I hope to hell it's true, haha, because I am a mother, and I've left my daughter hanging at moments, or just plain messed up, and I've got most of my eggs in the "good enough" mother theory, haha, that actually, though it won't be fun or pretty, that when I mess up (not abuse her or anything horrific, but just mess up) that she'll actually develop through that, along with coming along thanks to all my caring.

Waiting is so hard, and can make your mind go amuck real quick!! Try to understand that it is highly unlikely your T is trying to hurt you.

I'm assuming since you have his cell number that your T is okay with you texting him if needed. He did respond to your first text, so, I would tend to think in this case your T just hasn't read your follow-up text yet.

Maybe your T just isn't attached at the hip to his cell phone, or big into texting. I am notorious for shooting off a quick text to respond to someone and then leave my cell somewhere in another room for hours on end because I am not expecting to carry on texting conversations. Maybe your T is the same way.

Maybe your T had an emergency come up, or he got sick. Maybe your T's young child dropped his cell into the toilet and flushed it (it happened to me twice!). Maybe your T has been out and about all day without a cell phone charger and his phone died.

There are a million logical reasons as to why your T hasn't responded to you yet. If your T was purposely ignoring you, he wouldn't have even responded to your first text.

If you haven't heard back from him by now, and are still in distress, I would urge you to call him. Hang in there!!

Thanks AllHeart, but there have been a few times lately (he never used to in the beginning) that he has responded to the first and ignored the last. if he hasn't responded by now, he isn't going to. I know that. Sad thing is he IS ATTACHED AT THE HIP to his phone... He has no children, and although it I possible, I am doubtful an emergency came up in the 15 minutes between his text and my response to him.

I don't understand but sure wish I had never confided being scared and then his ignoring me wouldn't hurt so bad because we had JUST talked about trying to feel emotions and accept them YESTERDAY! '

It was just a risk I really thought would be safe to take this time. For some reason, I didn't think he would do like the others. He even told me yesterday that he would never hurt me on purpose. But words mean nothing.... actions mean everything.

But this is not about his action, it's about how you're interpreting it, from an anxious and vulnerable place. I bet he will have his own interpretation.

Hang in there! (hugs)

no Leah... I have zero doubt that NOTHING will be said about it. He never speaks of the texts I have sent later. I am not a multi-day texter and only do it in stress. I can't leave because it would hurt him, but I don't know how to act come Monday's appointment.

Well, yes, I do think the onus would be on you to bring it up if you needed to discuss further, which I think is so valid. You put yourself out there and of course it hurts not to have a reply.

My therapist and I talk about that stuff a lot- it actually just came back up yesterday after not needing to discuss it for a long time.

You'll figure out what to do when you get there no doubt. Nice thing about therapy is we get to keep showing up and keep trying.

I have made the agreement with him that I will talk about anything unless it has to do with him. I can't hurt people or cause them pain and he is a sweet caring man and if I brought it up he would know how much it hurt me and he would feel bad. I can't and won't do that. I have been this way for 30 years, and so it isn't going to change that fast.

I just have to figure out how to deal with whatever therapeutic approach he goes with because I am right back to feeling I am am worthless with him now as I am with everyone else. He spent a session on trying to get me to see how I compare my worth to others, and then chose to not even care today and he is such a good guy.

I don't know but my Xanax is finally kicking in enough (took three times as much tonight, THAT has never happened) so I am going to try to sleep and pretend none of this ever happened. Thanks for talking to me you two.

Have a good night

You're really putting a lot on him!

"He chose to not even care." (Many other interpretations like this in previous posts too.) One thing I do is focus on how I feel instead of mind-reading, it helps me get what I need, something my T helped reinforce/teach me. Like, "I feel abandoned," instead of "you abandoned me" When I told her that stuff, instead of blaming her, then she didn't feel hurt at all, and she gave me what I wanted.

You're filling in the empty space with some really negative cognitive distortions.

I hope you can find some peace with him and some way to work this out when you're feeling better, sounds like an awful night. Good night!

I couldn't agree with you more.

I am so very sorry that this is what is happening. I know you do not want to, but you need to tell your T that he hurt you. You should also ask him what his texting boundaries are so that you know what to expect in the future. Also ask him who you are supposed to contact for help in times of distress if he is not available to step up.

Sleep tight, my friend. I hope you feel better in the morning.

Texting is always problematic because it's rife with opportunity got misinterpretation. It's also true that in the world of texting actions don't always speak louder than words- at least not unu you know for sure what his actions were. Right now you're coming to your own conclusions and are refusing to get clarification by big talking to him about it. It's very possible he didn't get the text. Or the sound was off and he didn't hear the text notification. People miss texts all the time and for this reason it's not meant for emergencies or emotionally charged content. In my experience, people in such situations simply say "did you get my text? I'm thinking you didn't because I didn't hear back". The person on the other end then explains. This is not an unusual or unkind thing to say to someone. It's actually kinder to do so since it allows them a time to explain, rather than let you make assumptions that are negative. Avoiding the topic is not being nice and sweet and saving him hurt (which is not what therapy is about anyway). Why it really is is something for you to hide behind so you can avoid the anxiety these conversations cause you. I'd try to be honest with yourself and know that you're not saving your T from hurt. You're thinking you are but really this is just the stuff of human interaction ad happens to everyone all they time. Its your choice but avoidance only hurts you- it has no impact on your T. This is your therapy and the point is to use it in a way that is hopefully productive for you.

I agree with Lauzila on the texting possibilities. I'm usually really busy, so when someone texts, and my phone notifies me, I let it sit. And then when I go to use my phone for something else, I put off reading or replying to the text and then forget about it. Also, if I happen to reply, the other person seems to think I'm available and replies right back and it becomes a gooey thing I that's hard to extract from. And that's with non-therapists. (Tho I talked to my therapist about it--to complain--and she feels the same way, so we're on the same page with it.)

That's just to say that there's no way to know why he doesn't respond after the first or second time. My guess is that it's a time and availability issue. Everyone has their own internal boundaries around texting. Some people have a lot of time for it and it's a regular part of their life. Others, like me, see it as expendable.

I completely understand your fears and anxiety, so please don't think I'm missing your point here, that it takes a lot for you to reach out and he wasn't there. I'm just trying to suggest that texting isn't the best way to get support--for a lot of reasons you (and he) can't control.

He may not say anything about it, but you should bring it up at your next session. Let him know that it hurt and upset you.

I know you don't want him to feel bad, but I think you still need to talk about how it made you feel. I agree with Leah that you should talk about it saying how it made you feel, rather than saying he did something to hurt you. I don't like making people feel bad either, but the couple times I've been upset with my T or marriage counselor, I've found it's been better to talk about it with them, no matter how difficult.

Well, I didn't have to bring it up to have answers.

This all happened on Saturday... nothing heard on Sunday... Then I had an appointment scheduled for Monday and he text that morning saying he had responded to my text on Saturday but didn't hit send. For a brief moment, I had a little relief because he quoted his reply from Saturday which had been "get your meds and after thy calm you think but what your going to do" ????? My text to him was that I was 'terrified' because the neighbor didn't want me to call the Fire department but called some guys he knows. They showed up with beer in hand and told me not to worry about the smell and alarms going off in my home.. I have a problem with not doing what people tell me to do and now I felt trapped that I had to sleep in a place that the fire/CO alarms had been going off for 30 minutes, fumes were so toxic I couldn't walk in for more then 3 seconds. My T knows my issue with not listening to people and making them feel bad if I were to do something other then what they said. I DARED risk finishing the text with "i'm scared" and he also knows I don't tell anyone that. All he had to say was take your panic meds and then think about what to do. My little relief was that he sent the text when he realized it hadn't gone through and finished it asking how I was now? I then started trying to figure out if he honestly got worried about me and wanted to check on me (which I he got worried I would have assumed he would have checked on Sunday after I slept in it).... then it dawned on me that I bet the reason he noticed he hadn't sent the message was because he was wanting to reschedule that days appointment and felt he had to at least ask how I was before he sent that part. So I waited to a reply to my "fine" response to him (I mean, what do I say if he doesn't care).... and I was correct.. He wanted to reschedule for today instead of yesterday. Not like I had a bad weekend or anything!
When we had our session today, he asked what happened and I told him I slept in there with vents open. He asked something else and I told him the truth.... when you get to a certain point, the silver lining is you only care 50/50 if you wake up or not. In later conversation about people caring, I did tell him that all my life I only had one person that ever cared. He knew the name and he mentioned the fact that she was an abuser and I honestly answered that there was a price for everything and at least there had been one person. I don't know if he understood or not and I don't care how many of you think I am just trying to escape confrontation, but my biggest problem all my life is that I can't hurt people. So, no.... I can't tell him how bad it hurt because I know him well enough to know that would hurt him and him being hurt doesn't change that I was.

I want to keep going and have him realize and all of a sudden care and be there for me. I made myself turn it off though and I don't know what to do now. I am glad none of you know who I am so I can say these things otherwise I couldn't tell anyone.

I hate all this.

You know.... you mentioned you'd been this way a long time. Perhaps we and you need to be patient with you and compassionate, understanding that while it won't really hurt him, you're really feeling stuck and scared right now, and have faith that the work you're doing in therapy will gradually allow you to deal with these things. If you want it, you'll get it, just keep showing up and pushing yourself as best you can. Your admission that you were feeling scared the other night was progress.

I thought it was progress also Leah but when he didn't even acknowledge it then or in session today, I just want to shut down on him. I really like him and think he is an awesome man (he has some forgetful issues which is what I always blow things off to), but I don't understand this one. I can't imagine even partially caring about another persons well being and telling them to 'take your Xanax and then start figuring it out". I really resisted texting him at all for a very long time and had to PUSH to get past that. I kept thinking if I was ever going to try reaching out and it MIGHT be ok, it would be with him. He kept saying to text if I needed him. Then when I did, I feel like the kid who gets her hand slapped for having it in the cookie jar after being told I could have a cookie.

I just don't get it and I SURE don't want to try again. It had been many years since I have risked something like that.

Thanks for the thoughts Leah, I appreciate it.