Reconnected with my T

It has been a long few weeks. My husband and I are on the fritz big time. I have been doing the trauma therapy with the new therapist, and staying in contact with my old T via email and phone.

Well these past 2 weeks have gotten out of control, my husband has become verbally abusive, he wants me out of the house, and he wants to stay here with the kids. He is the one that started to have an affair, yet it is me that has torn the family apart. He says, I am taking to long to heal, that I am just babying all of this, that my inability to get over this caused strain on our marriage. I moved out about 3 weeks ago for 2 weeks, went and stayed in a hotel, via email with my T he convinced me to come back, because he feared that by me moving out, it would show the courts that I was the one that abandoned the kids. That would give my husband the advantage. So I moved back home last weekend. My Thanksgiving sucked!!!! Not that I expected anything different.....but it would of been nice, anyway!! Since then I told my husband I was going to see a lawyer to get some advice, he told me if I went to a lawyer he would take the kids and move in with his brother, so I didn't go to a lawyer.........I have fallen back into the victim role, and I didn't even see it happening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So anyway I met with my old T today, and it was a long session, for the first time in the year and a half I have been going to him, I saw another side of him.

He talked with me about my marriage, how I felt about it, how the kids feel about me leaving, and then coming back. What they want, what they don't want. Then he hit on my husband, how he has munipulated me, and threatened me, and how I have fallen back into the victims I lived for my whole life, how I allowed him to abuse me emotionally, he asked me if this sound familiar at all??? YEAH it does, now that you put it all on the table like that!!!!

So we talked about how I can make this easier on me, and stand up for me. He told me that he is very protective of me, and that he is very worried about me. I told him he shouldn't worry about me at all. Guess I shouldn't of said that to him!!! He asked me why?? Just because I said, he told me we have been through alot together this past year and a half haven't we? Yes! He told me that he has seen me grow in my healing so much and that what my husband is doing to me makes him so angry, that he has taken advantage of me, when I am so fragile. My husbands veiw point on me not getting over this, makes him angry, my T said that he may be biased of this remark, because of me, and how much he has seem me grow, but how the hell does your husband have the right to say such a thing to you, when there is no time frame on healing.....ever!!!

So then we talked about a plan, first being seeing a lawyer for legal advice, he says he isn't ever going anywhere and is right here to walk me through this step by step, if stopping the trauma therapy right now is something I want to do, he will stand behind me 100% until my feet are back on the ground.

He asked what my sister feels about all of this, I told him her main concern right now is if I leave my husband or throw him out, that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle it. She is afraid that I will act on my suicide thoughts. He thought about that, and then agreed, and said that we have to get you back on your feet, and hold you up if we have to until you are strong enough to do this on your own, but by staying with your husband right now, he is just making you feel less and less about yourself, and putting you in more danger.

So it was along draining session, I left feeling alittle better, that I am not alone right now. I never wanted my marriage to be over, I thought it would just all go away and we would be ok!!!!! Now that we pulled all the pieces out, and placed them in front of me, I see alittle clearer now, my husband blames it on me.......I am not entirly convinced it isn't me yet, but maybe in time!!!

So then I come home to %#@&#!..........I should of just stayed away for awhile. I came home late, because it was a late session that ran way over, no supper started the kids were hungry, he was sleeping......I threw some home made soup on, and he comes out and says thats IT!!! Then he started in about me seeing my T for a session and he doesn't want me seeing him anymore, I can just see the woman therapist, why do you have to go back to your old T.......I don't understand where any of his thinking is coming from>>>> ???? Does anybody get why he doesn't want me seeing my T, wouldn't any of your spouses, or significant others want you to get better and not worse????

Sorry this is so long..........but it has been a month of hell........and so much to write, and still didn't get it all in......

Other people can be afraid of our healing. When I started going to a therapist, my son got worse for a while in his own stuff. He couldn't handle it because he had to start looking at his own stuff. In the beginning, every time I started back to T, he got worse- more violent, more abusive, etc. If I quit for a while, he settled down. When I actually started making noticeable healing changes, he had a meltdown. People don't want to admit or deal with their own stuff. Now son and I seem to be healing at the same speed, give or take, and can support each other. Change is hard for people, even good change. But it can get better.

Hang in there confused. You are doing well. Stick with T. Sounds like he understands and can get you through.

(((( confused4ever )))

men are so often threatened by other men. they have a hard time seeing a female/male relationship as platonic or therapeutic.

I wonder if your husband is jealous on some level. Could he wish he could be there for you like T is, but has no idea how to do that and is too afraid to try or to do what he needs to learn how to be that way? If so, that would leave him very frustrated and possibly angry.

I'm so glad you reconnected with T and feel like you have someone there for you. That's so important.

Oh, Confused, what a lot to have on your plate all at once on the table :-) I hope you figure out a good plan and can make it work. Good for you recognizing what's going on and starting to put pieces together, etc.

Sounds like your husband is feeling threatened by your having your own ideas and independent actions.

{{{confused4ever}}}

((((confused)))) You have so much going on right now. I am really glad you have been to see your old T again, because I remember you had such a good bond. He sounds very supportive. I hope you can keep seeing him. He is your ally. You have so much to work on right now with your husband and family and marriage, would it help to ease up on your trauma work with the other T and focus on getting strong and talking care of the marriage/family issues?

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He is the one that started to have an affair, yet it is me that has torn the family apart.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Is he still having an affair? He sounds like he doesn't want to take responsibility for any of the family problems. Has he been to counseling?

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I moved out about 3 weeks ago for 2 weeks, went and stayed in a hotel, via email with my T he convinced me to come back, because he feared that by me moving out, it would show the courts that I was the one that abandoned the kids. That would give my husband the advantage.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Absolutely do not move out of your house! Do not leave your kids! If you do either of these things, it makes it harder to get the house in a settlement and to be the primary custodial parent. If you don't want to live with him anymore, he should move out and leave the kids with you. He is the one who had the affair, not you. He is the one who broke the marriage vows.

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I told my husband I was going to see a lawyer to get some advice, he told me if I went to a lawyer he would take the kids and move in with his brother, so I didn't go to a lawyer

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">confused, do not share your legal plans with your husband! He has no control over whether you go see a lawyer. Just go. Don't tell him. Seek legal advice immediately. Ask your lawyer how you can get him out of the house. Be sure to document all cases of abuse, not just physical. Keep track of his angry outbursts, when he yells at you and the kids, any threats he makes, e.g., "if you call a lawyer, I will steal our kids from you"--that is a threat!

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how I allowed him to abuse me emotionally

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Wow, can I ever relate to that statement. It took me a long time to understand my role in allowing my husband's abuse.

I am glad you have a sister for support. So important to have family and friends during these crazy and difficult times.

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Does anybody get why he doesn't want me seeing my T, wouldn't any of your spouses, or significant others want you to get better and not worse????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes. For one, he doesn't like that your T is male. It's threatening to him. Maybe also he doesn't want you seeing a T because of the cost. And he may be less scared of the other T because she is working with you on trauma rather than your current marriage problems. Your male T is actively supporting you in your efforts to deal with marriage and family issues. Your husband does not want this. He wants to control the situation and you.

Please stick with your old T for support right now. He sounds like a godsend. And see a laywer but don't tell husband. I saw my divorce lawyer for 17 months before I told my husband.

Take care.

oh dear god.. i am so deeply, truly sorry. i wish i could explain just how much we have in common, but i have to walk very carefully online. But so much of what you're saying rings so true to me... even the parts about a recent session being so emotional with T... PM me any time, i'd be more free to talk.

be sure to delete your bookmarks, clear your browsing history and cookies. Be careful ok?

Thanks everyone!

My husband will not see a counselor, he doesnt' believe in them. He says that when %#@&#! happens you just put it away, take it out when you need to look at it again, but just put it in the closet. When his mom died, he was an only son, she died alone in the nursing home because he refused to see her that way, and when she passed away he held it all in, broke down once briefly after the funeral. My T has suggested many times over the past year that he come into counseling but my husband won't do it.

He is still having the affair, I still see her number on his cell phone statements, he leaves on weekends sometimes to spend time with her,I feel like I am just on this earth to take care of people that abuse and use me.......

I never thought of going to the lawyer without telling him, and I don't know why. My T suggested Friday that I just go, don't tell my husband, it was like a light bulb went off, I just never thought of doing that. It feels sneaky, but then I realized he is doing this to me, so I shouldn't be feeling at all guilty about it.

My T made a comment on Friday, about how I have made screwed up decisions all my life, it is from the abuse I suffered and he said it isn't my fault, it is how I survived, and it became the only way I knew how to live, he says from a friends point of view, all your decisions were screwed up, from caring for your mom for 15 years, knowing she knew what was happening to me as a child and teenager and not protecting me, yet I protected her all my life, to allowing my brother to still come in and out of my life and abuse me, then he asked me if I wasn't abused as a child and my decision making messed up would I of, then I finished the sentence for him "Married my husband" he was shocked that I said that, but acknowledged that I am aware of some of my bad decisions. I don't know if I would of married him, probably not.....but I can't say for sure. We have been together for 17 years now, and I can't do this anymore.

I can't put my kids through a tug of war though. I feel like I am ruining their lives with all this crap going on.

I am considering stopping the trauma therapy for now, I cannot work on both of these issue's right now. My fear is though that I won't start it back up again. I will bury the feelings once again. I feel like I am on a roller coaster right now, and it won't stop. Would you stop the trauma therapy??? How would you make yourself resume it afterwards??

Last night I stayed home, the first night I stayed in a week, I walk on egg shells the whole time, I stay busy with things until he goes upstairs to his room. I can't stop doing, if I do I will feel all the pain I have inside. I have to stop drinking or taking meds or cutting to stop the pain, because my T says he will use that against me in court to win custody of the kids.....I feel cornered right now, every decision I make feels like a life and death decision.........

confused, There are so many things I want to say to you after reading this post. I don't think I can say anything though, that you haven't heard already.

I think the advice to protect yourself and watch your back are the best 2 pieces of advice. It IS possible to do this w/out being paranoid. I KNOW cause I have done it. You must also do even the smallest things to pamper & treat yourself. These are little things like using the shower gel you love and listening to the songs you love. Each thing seems silly and tiny, but they add up to you taking care of only you in good ways that don't hurt you. I remember when I look back that these small things gave me moments of pleasure that added together were big. Those who have never lived with the betrayal of affairs have no idea how much your self-confidence erodes to the point where you don't even realize how much you are being abused.

Please take care of you

tulips

I'll bet your husband doesn't want you to get what you need from T, or he can't manipulate you. Definitely see a lawyer on the sly. You need legal protection. And lawyers will make you feel very protected.

I went through a divorce I didn't want while I was emotionally fragile. My lawyer rebutted every lie my ex told me. I used her strength to survive.

So I called the lawyer and have an appt with him next week. I still feel lost right now.

Ok, which feeling lost brings me to this, today my T called me, wanted to know how things were going. I told him about the lawyers, and how I feel lost right now with all this stuff. He then told me he feels just like he had told me on Friday is that, I have always been controlled, always told what to do, from my parents to my brother to my husband, that I have never been able to do for me, someone was always telling me.........it is true, that is probably why I feel so lost right now, I have to make a huge move here, and I am petrified to do it, part of me would rather just close the door to what my husband is doing and just stay. Anyway, he told me that he feels he is also telling me what to do,he doesn't want to be lumped in with those people and I have to be the one to make the decision and make the move, he can't. He said there aren't many choices, your marriage is over, he doesn't want you anymore.....those were his exact words........all I can here right now, is my T telling me he does not want to be like them with me, and that my husband doesn't want me anymore.....nothing else is working at the moment.

I was supposed to see my Trauma T this afternoon and I cancelled on her two hours before the session, right after the call from my T. She called and wants to know what is going on and wants me to reschedule, or she will have to charge me................I am hurt, scared, angry at T, everything......everything.............

Is he totally right..........am I totally on my own right now???????

=( (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
you're not totally alone - you have back up! I'm sorry your t said things in a way that is hurtful - that never feels good. But the t is right in saying (ONLY) that he can't be telling you what to do because that would make him also like your abusers. My t has said the same to me before.
What your T is trying to say (and could have said better) is that what ever you decide, your T is right there behind you.
You now have to play "Frogger' and jump out from all these controlling people - your T can't be one of them. He's there to assist and guide - but not make decisions for you.

Breathe! Do what needs to be done that is healthiest (not the most comfortable) for you and know T is there right with you.
kiya

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MzJelloFluff said:
be sure to delete your bookmarks, clear your browsing history and cookies. Be careful ok?

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just what i was thinking!
also - can you maybe get any domestic violence help? At least in my state you can tell an agency like food stamps or family services that you AND your kids are in an abusive situation and they can help get you out. There's even DV grants that one can get to get a new place.

confused, that was a big step forward, and a brave one, to call a lawyer and set up an appointment.

That was really supportive of your T to check in on you and call. He sounds like such a good guy.

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Anyway, he told me that he feels he is also telling me what to do,he doesn't want to be lumped in with those people

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think that is wonderful and exactly right for what a T should do. He should not tell you what to do or control you, but support your healthy choices. Are you angry at your T because you want him to be more directive/controlling?

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Is he totally right..........am I totally on my own right now???????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I don't think he said that, did he? He is right there with you, but you have to make the decisions. He will come along with you, though, every step of the way. I sometimes think of my T as my divorce buddy. I could never have done this by myself (and I am still not done). T is right there next to me for "all things divorce." (Plus, more too, of course.)

As for the Trauma T, yes, you should probably pay if you canceled on such short notice, but do not go to a make-up appointment just for the sake of getting your money's worth. If you are not up to doing the trauma work right now, then just pay but don't go. You can always resume your trauma work later. But it would be good to phone up your Trauma T and let her know what is happening and why you are taking a break from your work together.

I don't know, maybe I am angry at him, right now just hurt is all I feel. I know he said what he said to get my butt in gear and to stop feeling sorry for myself. I cannot change the situation of my marriage, and he wants me to move forward to protect me and my children. But I guess I needed him more on the do this A first thing.........which is what he told me he isn't going to do, and I know that wanting him to do this is wrong, but for me to all of a sudden make the big decsions is very scary!!!

I guess I never took a step back and realized that I have always been controlled. When he brought this to my attention it hit like a brick. I knew that the abuse I suffered went deep, but didn't realize that my husband is doing the same as my Dad and brother did when it comes to just doing everyday things!!! I just fell from one situation to another and never stopped to see why or how!!

He is right when he said "we have been through alot together", in the disclosing and telling my siblings he was right there step by step, it was in his office, now I am home and even though I can hear his words, it isn't making any of this easy, I have to do it all on my own the first step. Does that make any sense??

Hi confused. I'm confused. I don't understand what the first step for you that you cannot take is, but I sense you don't wish to reveal it here. I understand--that's OK! If part of it is seeing the lawyer, you were very courageous and have done great to make that appointment!

I want to tell you what a wimp I was and how much help I needed taking the first steps. I was unable to see a divorce lawyer for a long time, just totally unable. It wasn't until my husband said he was going to dispose of a major financial asset of ours that I got a wake up call that he could leave me with almost zilch. This spurred me to action but I was unable to call a divorce lawyer myself to set up an appointment. My sister found me a lawyer and made the call. I was unable to go to the first meeting with the divorce lawyer by myself. My sister had to come with me for support. I was unable to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. I was too scared. Instead, after over a year and a half of living in separate bedrooms in my house, I got my husband to come to a therapy session with me, and in the safety of T's office and with T's support, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I could not take these steps on my own--I was too scared and stuck. So my strategy was to use others in my life to help me with these difficult steps forward. Since then I have become stronger and able to do a lot on my own. But in the early days I really needed people to help me.

Can you lean on the people in your life to help you make the difficult first steps? It sounds like this "A thing" you don't wish to name here is really tough for you. ("I needed him more on the do this A first thing") You can still make the decision to do this thing but seek others' help with it. Talk with your T about this and how he can support you without actually doing things for you or deciding for you. Friends and family too.

Take care.

I found myself in a simiar situation. It wasn't with divorce, but it WAS a very scary situation for me. I was unable to take the first few steps alone. I couldn't make decisions and didn't trust myself. Having somebody I trusted (my step-father) along with me during this time helped me find the strength I needed. There is nothing wrong with this. There is a big difference between having somebody tell you what to do and having somebody you trust by your side. Each time you make a decision on your own (with support), you gain a little more self-confidence. Sounds like that is what your T wants for you.

tulips

I know that is what he wants me to do. I haven't even told my siblings about what is going on, just my sister and one brother at the moments. Those first steps are scary, to do something like leave your husband after 17 years is frightening. Last night my T emailed me, he wants me to come in and talk, he doesn't want me to listen to my husbands threats anymore!! How does one just block something like that out????

Did you just tolerate everything until you couldn't anymore?? Before you sought the divorce lawyer, my appt is next week, and I am already getting anxious about it. I have lived my entire life just here, for others, I don't know how to do for myself, I thought I could just stay in the house with him and just deal like I always have, but something is making me just not able to do this.

What a Christmas present I will be giving my kids if I manage to get him out before Christmas, I hate hurting my kids, I hate seeing them hurt!!!!

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confused4ever said:
Did you just tolerate everything until you couldn't anymore??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, I tolerated a lot for many years. We have been married 20 years. Even when I found out about his affairs beyond a shadow of a doubt (and I suspected for years, but just put my head in the sand and kept trying to make things better), and discussed them (he told me he would continue to sleep with whatever women he wanted), it was still 17 months before I told him I wanted the divorce! I was just so weak and devastated, I couldn't take action. I needed time to build myself up and get the strength. Just for your information, when I finally did tell my husband I wanted a divorce, it was almost 6 months before he moved out. These things can take time (he was not physically abusive).

I remember it was so hard to tell people about my awful marriage. First I told one sister, then later my mom, then another sister. My mom told my dad. I still haven't told my brother. Once you tell people, you might be able to get support from them, so although it's hard, it can be really helpful.

Good luck to you. Your T sounds so supportive.

I guess I will have to figure out what I want, or how I can do all this. I feel like I am that little girl again and this is just the way my life is meant to be.