In Session Today: Part VI

I was very quiet today. I was feeling a bit off. but it wasn’t bad. We talked about the infection I had last week and the procedure I had in the ER. I said I didn’t get why I was prone to infections when I take care of myself and am not a diabetic. She said she doesn’t get why either and it seems weird and and she would understand why I would wonder. Basically we just talked about last week and my surgery. She plans on being back in the office for a day or half a day in a month or so and she plans on scheduling me first. She asked me where I stood with that and I said I still wanted to go back to in person sessions but I wanted to do what she wanted to do too. She was grateful that I was thinking of her. She said we are for sure going back to in person before I move though.

He told me that he was very ashamed of how he had treated me.
That he felt like he was failing me.
That I didn't think it was ethical to drop a client in week and I did think about making a complaint about him.
Something about how I needed him but he also needed me.
We had worked stuff out before.

I spoke about X and my grandmother.
Sent him a pic of the T who looked like him.
Said I didn;t think I would trust another T and t might take twice as long. Didn't have time or energy for 8 years of therapy.
Suicidal thoughts on friday.
My ambivalence towards therapy- feeling trapped by it.

Today we talked about my various growing concerns about J. Then at the end I felt sad all of a sudden and T asked why and I told him that I missed him. I didn't know why I felt that way and it was scary to say it but I said it anyway. T thought for a second and then prevaricated for another and then said, "I think it's because I'm less your erotic object now." I hated hearing that because I don't like to think that he was ever my erotic object. I dunno if that means he's wrong, though.

I like it when you ask how I’m feeling after I just had a medical emergency. I feel like I’m going to get it at the next session about med management though. The last 2 emails were positive though besides the med issue I mentioned. I said I was feeling a lot better in both of them. When was the last time I sent a positive email? It’s been awhile.

Oh **** that was an awkward session. I was having trouble telling her something so she was trying to guess and she thought I had been doing something called Erotic asphyxiation. She was like “is it what I think your doing?” And I’m like “wtf does that mean?” And She told me and I said “No! That’s weird!” And That led to a lot of other awkward stuff. Geeze now I gotta explain in email that I’ve been using melatonin to get high. Why does therapy always **** me over. Today was like a high school sex education class or something.

My session went very well today. I wasn’t feeling well but it was still productive. We talked about some uncomfortable stuff but we got it covered at least. Then we talked about dieting and she thinks I’m kinda restricting even though I don’t think that’s 100% true. Then we talked about the weird feeling I had when I woke up last night because I wanted to go to the hospital just to be put in restraints. She thinks my obsession with restraints is just a sensory issue and she said I felt that way last night because of the pain I was in and how 5 point restraints are calming to me. Then at the end of the session she told me that she thought I was holding back on the emails because I thought this was the week she was going to be on vacation. And that this was the week she was going to be on vacation but to send as many as I wanted to but that she just wouldn’t read them until she got back next week. But yeah as long as we don’t talk about returning to in session appointments then things are fine.

Had a session with T on Saturday. It went well. I told her that I had been working on a the letter to the ER doctor (that I'm not going to send) to try to get all my emotions out so that way I'm not haunted every 25th of the month. I went from being angry with him to being hurt by him and then I didn't know what to do so I deleted the letter. I don't know how to explain hurt. I don't even know if that is an emotion. You said our feelings can be hurt. It's all so confusing for me. You said to write about the confusion.

Somehow we got to talking about my parents. You said my Mom was abusive to me when I was a child. You said that my Dad was neglectful. You might be telling truth but I'm not sure I want to hear it right now. My Mom did some pretty messed up stuff. I guess that could be abuse. I don't want to label it as such though. Just want to hide under the blanket and pretend nothing exists. I've considered my Mom abusive before but to hear you say it changes things. It's like it's more real. I don't want it to be real. And my Dad is a saint. So I don't know what's up with that. They did what they could. They did their best.


You said I have a lot of layers of hurt and anger, hurt and anger, hurt and anger in me. I don't feel anything.


So we are going to work on the letter.

Also I got to show you my scars that led me to being hospitalized. You said it wasn't that bad. I've been telling you that for months. The ER doctor flipped out. I am sure it looked worse before it was a scar but I still don't understand what all the fuss was about.


I wish you could hold me. I realize that is coming from a very young place in me. HUGS Kit

Yikes. That's a good reminder to all of us that it's likely much less embarrassing to tell them what the issue really is rather than to leave them guessing or have them make their own shite up!
Eh, sorry it was so awkward!

Today absolutely sucked. Never go to a session high on Xanax.

Been a while since I've posted one of these, but felt like writing this one up.
Dr. T session Sunday (via Zoom). He typically does sessions from his regular (outside of home) office, but is sometimes at home--those times have always been in a small, light yellow office. But yesterday, he was in a different room in his home, what appeared to be a bedroom, as it had a row of closets. I figured it might have been his bedroom, which felt a bit weird. But could have been a guest one, I guess?

He apologized for a different meeting place, saying they'd been having trouble with Wifi at their house. Tried to improve it for their son doing virtual school next week, but it seemed they'd made it worse. So this was the room with the best signal that day. I said it was OK. I did feel a bit odd about "meeting" him in a different room (especially if it could be his bedroom), but got used to it fairly quickly.

Caught up on what had happened since Thursday's session, which I'd done while I was away on vacation (won't bore you with all that). I felt like I was sort of rambling. I said I did have something I wanted to talk about, but maybe not just yet. I apologized for starting to cry really hard as we were saying goodbye the last session. He said it was OK, that he knows it happens to me sometimes, that something triggers me, and maybe I don't even know what it is until later. I said I did have some sense of what it was, which is part of why I requested the Sunday (instead of Monday) session right after logging off.

I said how I didn't think it would be fair, even if I was sure what it was, to bring it up in the last minute of session. Which brought me to a question--I knew I had a tendency to bring stuff up near the end of session--did he find that to be annoying? Dr. T: "Annoying? no, I don't find it to be annoying." Me: "OK, good." I said how I'm in this Therapy Memes group on Facebook, which includes both therapists and clients. And they'd recently posted this thing about doorknob confessions (saying stuff at the last minute), and some of the T's in the group were saying how annoying that was and that they hated when clients did that. So I worried that he felt the same.

Dr. T: "No, doesn't annoy me, but if it happens often, it suggests that something could be going on, with the client, the therapist, or the therapeutic relationship. For example, a client may intentionally wait until the end to share something so that they don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of discussing it right then." Me: "So like a coping mechanism." Dr. T: "Yes. So that would be something I'd want to talk about with the client." Me: "Sometimes, it's like, I need a certain amount of time to sort of 'warm up,' to feel the connection if there's some bigger thing I want to share. I tend to keep an eye on the clock, to get those things out before we have less than 20 minutes left. But then sometimes I feel like, 'OK, I don't need to talk about this today,' then right near the end of session, I start crying, and that can be a signal that I do have to share it."

He said that it could also be a sign that he's doing something wrong with a client. That he's not pushing them enough to get to the more difficult stuff out earlier in the session. How sometimes, for him, it can be nice to have a "easy" or lighter session, not going that deep. I said I agreed with that, how sometimes I just need a lighter one. He said he needs to be careful not to slip into that too much, as it's not what clients are in therapy for (or something like that). Thought it was a sort of look behind the therapy curtain.

I went back to the sobbing at the end of last session thing. I said how part of it was that I thought, "I'm not going to talk to you again until Monday" (a longer break between sessions than we've been having lately). Which is why I'd requested the Sunday session. He said he understood, as it was a longer break than usual.

Me (tearing up): "I think it's also...I just didn't want to say goodbye to you yet. That probably sounds pathetic..." Dr. T: "It's not pathetic." Me: "OK, thanks. I think it was just...you were really validating to me in that session, like about stuff with the pandemic. And then it was like...I had to hang up from session and immediately go be with my parents (they were also in the vacation spot, but in different building). And it just was shining a bright light--is that the right term?" Dr. T: "Spotlight?" Me: "Yeah, OK, we'll go with that. So going from you being really validating, it shined more of a spotlight on them being very non-validating. And I didn't want to make that transition yet..." Dr. T: "Because this felt like a safe space?" Me: "Yes, it felt safe with you. Maybe that's weird because I'm in this strange condo, and it was over the computer, so..." Dr. T: "No, it makes sense that it felt safe." Me: "OK, good."

I started talking more about how my parents had been invalidating both on vacation and more in general. How I thought the pandemic could have been an opportunity, where we're all dealing with similar stuff, where maybe they could have understood more, but I wasn't getting that from them. Where maybe they could have been like, "It sucks not being able to go places," but I didn't get that. Or "Wow, it must be difficult to be home with D all the time." Or, going further back, "It must be difficult dealing with a daughter on the autism spectrum." "But instead, my mom would just act like it wasn't a big thing and just say, 'But she reads so well' or "she's so smart" or something like that."

I was looking down when I said that. When I looked up, Dr. T had his glasses off and looked to be wiping away tears. He put his glasses back on. I said something else regarding my parents not empathizing. Then, he said, "I felt really sad a minute ago when you were talking. I guess I hadn't realized before quite the depths of their not understanding." Me: "Yeah." Dr. T: "I'm not sure if you're ready to hear this." Me: "Uh, ok." Dr. T: "And this goes against what we've talked about before. But I'm wondering if maybe your parents won't eventually be able to 'get it.' That if this had been going on so long..." Me: "43 years..." Dr. T: "I wonder if maybe it's too much to undo?" Me: "I don't know. It's a good question. So...would the solution then be to just stop hoping for that?"

Dr. T: "I don't necessarily want to say that, because that might be too much for you, to give up. OK, I'm going to use something from marriage counseling. The options tend to be, you can choose to live with something, try to change it, or leave. That's not quite the same thing here, but the idea is the same." Me: "OK." Discussed that briefly. Dr. T: "You know...I doubt your parents even realize that you don't feel that they 'get you.'" Me: "Hm...I hadn't really thought of it that way. I guess I felt like it should be obvious, but...you're probably right..."

We talked about how I hadn't really come out and said it to them. He gave some advice on how I could talk to my mom about it, like if she reacts in a certain way to something I share, I could say how she's being rather Pollyanna-ish (as in over-the-top optimistic) and that it feels dismissive. And to explain what I do want--empathy, just for her to listen, etc. That I may not want to say it quite that way, to think about it.

I said I knew we had to stop in a minute, but that he'd given me a lot to think about. We confirmed for this week and scheduled for the following week. Dr. T: "I hope you have a good rest of the day today." Me: "I hope you do, too." He smiled and gave a little wave, and I waved back, then ended the meeting. It felt like a really productive session.

I had a really good session today. My therapist knows like really personal stuff about me that no one else knows and she’s perfectly cool and accepting about it. I told her through email that I bought some stuff on Amazon. Then today she asked if I had taken any Xanax and I said no and I said it was because of a weird reason and she asked why. And I said “you know that stuff I ordered from Amazon?” And she was like “yeah” and I was like “well I used the pacifier and it really helped with my anxiety and I didn’t need a Xanax” and she was like super excited that I found this new coping skill. And she was saying how it’s like a sensory thing and how people on the autism spectrum have oral fixations and like to chew and suck on things and she was just like really accepting of it. We talked about other stuff but I was relaxed in the session and it wasn’t because of medication this time. And she said last session she was weird because of her and it wasn’t me.

T: We need to address what you wrote to me in your email last week

Me: Which part?

T: The part where you called yourself names and blamed yourself for what your uncle did to you when you were 7 years old

Me: *shrugs* eh, I was just joking. So last week, there was this...

T: *interrupts* No, Em. We are not moving on until we address this.

Me: fine

T: When you are ready and able to, I’d like you to look me in the eye.

Me: *eyeroll* This again.

T: I know it’s difficult for you, and I understand if you can’t, but I’d like you to try.

Me: *looks up*

T: What happened to you was not your fault. I know you’ve heard me say this many times before, but I am not going to stop challenging this belief you have of being damaged goods when you were a minor.

Me: Yes, I get it.

T: I can see that you really want me to drop this, but I’m going to need to insist again. Could you look at me? Try not to break off. I know it’s difficult and you’re being so brave.

Me: *looks at his annoying face*

T: None of what happened hat night was your fault. You didn’t bring this onto yourself. You are not damaged goods. I know you probably can’t hear that yet, but I’m not giving up telling you.

A snippet from today...

Me, rambling on about something or another: ...It's like I'm...can't think of the word....um...
T: Avoidant.
(And very confidently too. Geez.)
Me, rolling eyes: Pshh. Whatever.
T: I just call it like I see it.
Me: Well stop being right.

The rest was mostly crying.

It's awesome that you are able to hear this, and repeat it for yourself here, even if you aren't able to absorb it yet. This is part of the process, I think.

Thank you. I was annoyed with it in that moment and dismissed the things he said, but when I got home, it stayed with me. So I tried to remember that part of the session again. I still have mixed feelings about it, but it has certainly struck a chord now with a bit of distance. I also found myself being more aware of what I was writing when I was emailing T today.

Talked to T on Saturday. It was supposed to be a face to face session but she got locked out of her office and called me about 40 minutes before to tell me it would have to be a phone call appointment. I wasn't doing well AT ALL and didn't participate a lot in session. Spoke in monosyllables etc. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. She made me promise I wouldn't spend the day alone but I broke that promise and stayed by myself and just went to sleep. Whatever. I kept myself safe.


She reminded me that I didn't want to go to the hospital. Which I agreed that was not what I wanted so she was working on ways to keep me out of the hospital. She was dealing a lot of stuff with me with like anger turned inward and stuff like that. I don't really know what she was going on about. I just wanted to sleep.

I had a decent session today. I had my weighted blanket with me. We were both feeling pretty awful physically but we made it work. We talked about my surgery. I said the only part I was concerned about was the general anesthesia and we talked about the move. I told her I got tested for Covid this morning she didn’t really seem to think It was a big deal. She asked if there was any time in the past week where I felt like I wanted to be restrained and I said yeah a couple days ago but then I used my weighted blanket and I was fine. And then I mentioned that I was using it during the session and that’s why I was so talkative. She said she noticed a difference. we talked about the pacifier again and she said she’s glad it’s working out and then said again that yeah it’s an oral fixation coping skill. She’s going to help me find something to use when I can’t use it. When other people are around. She said there’s stuff that kids who are on the spectrum use for oral fixation in public. She said she’s going to try to schedule me in person once a month starting later this month. I mentioned that all of a sudden stopping seeing her and moving and never seeing her again just kinda freaked me out. And she said she understood. Especially since it was so abrupt. So basically it was ok today except we were both off physically.

She said to me “maybe I should go get tested for Covid.” And I said “you think you have covid?” And she said “no it was a bad joke.” She can be kinda rude/mean when she’s not feeling good but I try to ignore it.

A couple snippets (paraphrased for brevity, as usual):

Me: You're being so honest. Can't you just tell me what I want to hear?
T: (laughs) No. If that's what you want you're going to have to get a different therapist.
---
Me: (asks a question about processing trauma)
T: (answers my question) ... You're going to have to go through this until you're done.
Me: No thanks. I really don't want to.
T: Sorry, it's just the way it works. That's the truth.
Me: .... Can you just tell me a teeny tiny lie instead? Just a little one?
T: No.

There seems to be an ongoing theme here.

Today went good. I wasn’t feeling good but I pushed through. She was super nice today. Maybe she does better in the mornings. She said she’ll see me in person next week and we talked about the protocol for that. And then we talked more about the surgery. Basically we just talked about the in person session and the surgery. She said she could do a video session a few hours before my surgery in October. That will be an interesting one.

Today was the first time I've seen him face to face in six months. I was just bursting with excitement, especially as I got closer to his neighbourhood. I am meeting him in a different space (a sun room) because it is bigger than his usual therapy room. He met me outside with us both wearing masks, then he took his off when we got to the room and i left mine on (as per the guidance over here).
I just sat in silence and looked at him. For a long time. I said maybe it is enough just to come and look in your eyes today. He said that was okay.
I said I wasn't sure how I was feeling. He asked if I felt safe. I said I think so. I said i felt a bit lost. He said that he had brought his bowl of stones (i had said I wanted one because I felt sad I didn't get a goodbye session 6 months ago, because it had all been so sudden and I hadn't been able to take a transitional object.) He asked how I could choose one, if he should spread them on the table for me. I said I wanted him to choose. He asked me why I wanted one, he said it would help him choose. I said i didn't have an answer (I was in a young place and couldn't have articulated the above) he said thats okay. He sat with the bowl on his lap taking great care and smiling as he picked them up. He said "this one! Oh wait hang on..." and picked up two or three similar stones. He said "It's definitely going to be pink quartz" then he selected one and put it on the other end of the sofa to me then went and sat back down. I picked it up and looked at it. He said "I chose that piece because there is a lot going on inside it. I said "like me". He said "yes, there is a lot of love going on inside it, pink quartz is the stone of love". I liked that a lot.

I looked at him a lot. He asked what was happening, I couldn't really answer. Eventually I said I don't know. He said that i had been very focused on him but I was in a new environment, so maybe I needed to pay some attention to the room. I said i am worried that if I take my eyes off him he will be gone. T said he isn't going anywhere. I felt lost and disconnected, then he picked up a familiar old fiddle toy from the table and tucked one leg underneath himself in his armchair. I said "it IS you!" I hadn't realised that up to that point some parts of me hadn't believed it was. He said "yes, it's me" and I felt a shot of electricity in my stomach. I started feeling more okay. We started talking about the young part. I said that she often wants to say things, but i feel weird talking about her in the third person, and i worry about saying "I" in case you don't understand this is a part talking. I'm fearful that I will say something and you will misunderstand and think all of me wsnts that, rather than just a part of me, so i end up saying nothing. I said she doesn't like that we talk about her in third person. He spoke to her directly and asked if she had any questions about the room. I said "you have a lot of plants". He said yes, and they all flower, except the cactus. I asked a couple more questions about the plants. Then I said "It's not fair that you were taken away from me". He said (still speaking to the young part of me) "you are right, it's not fair, and this last 6 months has been hardest of all on you" I said "adult Echos pushes me away" he said "I think she needs to feel she is in control, but your voice is important too". I looked around at the curtain which concealed the rest of his house. He said "you look like you might have another question?" I said "I had something else to say but I'm not sure it's okay" he said "do you want to try it?" I said again "I don't know if it is okay" he said "would it help if I said i won't say anything?" I nodded but I still couldn't say it. After a while I eventually said "I want to hug and kiss you" (this felt very childlike to me). He said "i hear that". I asked if it is okay. He said yes.
We then seemed to switch back to adult to adult conversation. I asked him how he had found it. He said he had felt relaxed about it, but that it was surreal when i first arrived, and that he found me wearing a mark weird, because I have these facial cues (which he described) and he missed being able to read them. I found that really interesting because he never told me that before and I didn't realise I did those things, and it made me feel seen, and like he pays attention to the detail. As I was leaving, he said "thanks for coming" and i said "thanks for having me" and I left.

My young parts are stirred up and excited and miss him a lot. It was a bizarre session at a bizarre time in our lives.

I spent most of today’s session talking about David Whyte. R asked how my week had been and I explained that the first workshop of the term with my students had been cancelled.
‘I really do not like my emotional side.’

‘That is really powerful. Can you say that again?’

‘I really do not like my emotional side.’
‘I can hear that discomfort.’

‘I feel as though that is in control at the moment.’
‘It is almost as if you had something to look forward to, and then it was taken away. You aren’t getting the opportunity to be Work Lost at the moment.’

We had a conversation about the fact that many of the things I see as foundational are external.

‘Being visual, I see a tower with lots of different coloured blocks. Some of them have shifted, but some have not changed. Don’t discount the work that you have done for yourself – that still remains.’
I needed a moment after that to collect myself. ‘Words are hard at the moment.’
‘That is OK, take your time, if you need it to think about what I just said.’

I can’t remember how we got from that to David Whyte, but I spoke about the past couple of workshops, and how I am always taking notes.

‘I can imagine you hanging on every word.’
‘It’s a positive application of fireworks display brain.’

‘It sounds like it’s something that is purely pleasurable.’
‘There is no cat-like unease when David talks about grief.’ R observed that when I talked about David’s friend passing, I did so easily, in contrast to my usual fear.
‘It sounds as though this is a really positive experience for you. It’s a space where you can be triggered and work through it, which hasn’t really happened before.’
‘For the first couple of days after the talk, my cup is so full it is as though it’s overflowing.’
R seemed genuinely pleased that I have found something to fill my cup. I asked why I was talking about David Whyte, and then redirected myself.
‘I almost heard the whip then!’
‘There’s something I really want to talk about…’

‘But?’
‘You’re quick!’

‘I’ve had my Weetabix this morning!’

‘A couple of weeks ago, I said there was something I wanted to pick up from a previous email.’

‘Do you want my help with that?’

‘Yes, please.’
R and I had another conversation about ‘catastrophic impact’ and the Critic’s use of the word ‘selfish.’
‘How do you feel when the Critic uses the word ‘selfish’?’

‘In general, or in relation to this?’

‘In relation to this, but in general if you want to get into it.’

‘I feel cowed by the Critic.’
R and I had a conversation about my perception of my response. If somebody I was close to had been directly affected, my perception would be different.
I said that I wanted to apologise for a comment I’d made a couple of weeks ago.

‘I feel I want to apologise for something I said. A couple of weeks ago, you asked me how in control I felt of my life, and I replied ‘What effing life?’ It’s not your fault, I didn’t want to blow up at you.’

‘I didn’t experience it as blowing up at me. If you need to swear, then swear. I quite like it when you swear, because I know you mean it.’
We were running out of time by that point, so R offered that we could pick up the unfinished conversation next week. I said I also wanted to have the PPE conversation, and asked her to hold me to it.
We did some breathing, but I couldn’t do much to relax my shoulders, as I slept funny on one of them.

30 minutes before session: I'm totally fine. I don't even know if I need to go today. (I know I need to go today.)
10 minutes before session: I don't need to go. Okay, actually I don't want to do this.
2 minutes before session: I can't breathe. Seriously. Need to do some breathing exercises. WTF? I was fine ten minutes ago.
Session: Too much crying. (Crying is stupid.) T says helpful things. More crying.

Now I feel better. (Crying is still stupid.)

Hope it's OK to reply--but I've been like this before, too. Thinking don't need session (especially if extra session), then crying right before it and/or having a panic attack just before it. Or seeming fine during session, then sobbing at the end (which is particularly awkward now on Zoom, as a couple times I've been like, "sorry I'm crying all of a sudden, but I'm OK...uh, yeah, I'll be OK. So...bye") and/or right after it.

Hope session was helpful despite (or because of?) all the crying.

It really felt like you were watching the clock today. That doesn't feel good.

Thanks, LT. I'm glad I'm not alone.


It was very helpful, as the sessions I least want to go to often are. I am pretty worn out now.