Couch 246: Choose Change

Thanks LT. That means a lot.

Last night/this morning, I should be in the hospital. And I'm not because then I would miss out on what little support I have from L left.

One of L's closest family memebers has 24hrs left to live. She will never get to meet L's baby. And because of this, L can't be there for me.

I called G last night. It was a disaster. So awkward, there were silences, and instead of suggesting things he asked me what I think I should do... He completely sucked.

The only reason I'm still here is because of J and H. I didn't have much of a conversation with J. She kind of disappeared after her second text reply. But she did tell me to write L, and I did. H got a reminder of how bad things are/can be. And how stable I am when I'm with L. He was so upset because of my instense active SI last night. He stayed with me, hugged me, listened to me, even cuddled with me without asking for sex. He's the one who got me to take my Clonazepam and to contact J and G.

Saying I'm devastated is an understatement. I need L so desperately and life is taking her away from me. I feel so much grief for me and for L. It's not fair. I just hurt.

Oh yeah, whats that called again? BASE jumping. Im not jean claude van dam!

So far this morning the one elevator is running pretty fast, but i got down here early for my LYFT JIC. Going to eye dr and blood draw.

I'm not saying it's not devastating and disappointing to miss a session. Whilst you did get through last night and you do need to see your own strength here too in this situation, perhaps it would be good to also reconsider hospitalisation to keep you safe.

Not trying to be harsh but right now it does seem like you do need even more support than what L + G together are currently able to provide for you.

I only have 3 sessions left!!! That's it until, hopefully, February.

Look at the pain and grief that many people have here from time away from their therapist: a vacation, a leave, even abandonment. No matter who the leave was initiated by, it hurts! I feel that it's a complete misattunment to suggest that I miss a session.

Who here who has an attachment to their therapist would willing give up a last session to go to a hospital where there is less specific support, being surrounded by strangers, where you're taken away from your few comforts left in your life? For up to 72hrs?!?!

Do I need hospitalization? Probably. But I need my sessions with L more. I cannot get those sessions back.

And a post like this will get misunderstood, I bet. And I'll push some people away, which is what I don't need. What I need is empathy and mirroring and support.

Maybe I need to take a break from here? Here was so helpful 9 years ago when ex-T left. I guess things just change...

Hugs, Scarlet. I completely understand about not wanting to go to the hospital. Maybe 8 years ago (I was still seeing ex-T at the time), my p-doc was trying to push me to do an intensive outpatient program. It wasn't even full hospitalization. But it would have lasted 6-8 weeks, I think AND the big thing for me was that I wouldn't have been allowed to see ex-MC or ex-T during it. Yes, I would have had many more hours of support per week. But it would not have been with the T's I trusted (and to whom I was attached, particularly ex-MC).

So I didn't go. If I were in a situation like yours right now, I'm pretty certain that I wouldn't have gone either.

I'm really glad your H came through for you and was supportive. It suggests he'll be able to help you through L's absence.

In terms of G, with his being new, he likely didn't know what sort of support you needed or wanted. If you let him know, hopefully, he can be more helpful next time, if needed. I struggled very much with Dr. T not supporting me the way ex-MC did at first, but then as we got to know each other more, he was better able to give me the form of support I needed (though he certainly messed up badly a few times in there).

My response was based on reading your last dear T post.

It's up to you to also decide if you do wish to take a break from here.

It is. Thank you for your permission.

Okay then.

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I guess i dont understand what happened. Were you triggered by the idea that this dying person wont meet the baby, and you identify with that?

It's everything that I've already mentioned and more. And yes, the person not meeting the baby was another trigger. But last night, everything piled up and then L pulling her support away (understandable!), and G really sucking (which he admitted to today), it was like all the weight on my shoulders collapsed me.

It's okay if you don't understand. Understanding, or at least wanting to understand, feels like support. And I appreciate it. I do! All that's important is that I have a place to say "Hey, I'm not okay!". And for someone to say "I hear you".

No one here has ill intention towards you. Equally, people won't be attuned to your needs because this isn't therapy. As I saw it, Lemoncake responded with concern for your health. You might not like what is said. It's worth bearing in mind that you weren't simply saying "Hey, I'm not okay!", you were explicitly saying you weren't safe and talking about suicide. People will respond accordingly to that degree of risk.

All I asl for ever from here is support. 50% tell me how to feel or what to do or that their perspective is right. But of those people, why can't they simply offer kind caring support. And those 50% defend eachother ALL.THE.TIME.

Not everyone wants tough love, criticism or whatever ypu want to call it just justify your perspective.

And now Bobby Knight is gone. I can't really say rip since he was such a jerk. But he made games fun to watch.
Temper tantrums rarely pay off - even while they can be fun to watch

Thank you, LT. It's nice knowing someone understands, and I'm sad that you were in that position, too.

H has really really stepped it up. Even today when I was having a breakdown at the vet, he kept me calm, told me to reach out to L or J. He even offered to stop working early tonight just to be with me.

G...we'll I wrote him telling him all that I felt went wrong. He wrote me back and acknowledged each point and even said he wishes he did things differently like reading my notes before initiating the phone call or helping me understand his mental process instead of being silent. We both agreed it was a hard situation considering that a crisis call was only our 2nd interaction outside of emails. His email was very reassuring. If nothing else, we can connect through writing.

L did respond to my text today and she'll call me in an hour. I'm trying so hard to hold it all.

L says that learning how to navigate these difficult situations while being constantly triggered could be messy at times. What matters most is that I'm still here, still communicating and still trying.

She said to ask from everyone including the people here on the forums for understanding, understanding, and understanding. We identified that is what my soul needs from people. Not advice or direction or perceptions or criticisms. Just understanding.

So I ask you all, whoever is willing to actually help me, to please just try to understand. Understand that I'm extremely raw, vulnerable and sensitive right now. That I'm not going to get everything right, but that I don't have to be perfect to be safe. That it's okay to not be okay. And that what I'm going through hurts like hell for me. I'm not trying to be bad. I am not a bad person. I am hurting. I'm messy and imperfect. And I still need love, acceptance, and most of all understanding.

ScarletPimpernel, I completely understand. It was Dr. S's cancellation 2 hrs before a session because of having to take a family member to the ED (like she has no other family in town) and the next day her saying she'd have to move our next session to video -- along with the knowledge that our time was coming to a complete ending that lead me to cutting our time short by 5 sessions and I went back for a 20 min visit to say good bye in person. It sucks... (can't really use profanity here with it showing) It is painful. I've had to use my PRN to get through days (I already take clonazepam so I have other meds for PRN). Neither of the 2 T's that I am working with right now feel right and that's not just because they are not Dr. S. Neither of them allow between session contact... one doesn't really even acknowledge schedule things until he is back in the office and I have a Monday at 9:30 appt. ... I don't mean to make this be about me... and it really sounds like I'm doing that. I'm trying to say - I know how bad it is, how much it hurts, how others can be wrong for you without it not being about them not being L... that taking your PRN is a kindness to give yourself. And yes... SI and SH has been going on for me this last 6-8 weeks, since I was informed that Dr. S. was closing her practice.

For some of us, it is the only time we really feel seen, welcomed, wanted, loved, ... for just existing... it's a time and place where the person with us ... gets the words we say, understands what those words really mean to us and is curious about us. They are not perfect, thus the ruptures... they are good enough that we create this bond/connection.

It's almost cruel yet - I for sure made more progress with Dr. S than I had with any other therapist/therapy and that is even with covid/video visits disrupting the type of therapy we were doing. So, it does work, it does help to allow ourselves to create these connections. It just hurts, devastating, and can feel so many other things all at once or contradictory ones at different times - when there are interruptions.

I didn't follow the conversation about your safety plan and any commentary around "right/wrong", autonomy, or control. What I know is a safety plan is very personal... personalized... and it is to keep you safe and feeling safe. It is what you want/need... and all that matters is that those that agree to help keep you safe understand what it is you need from them and are there to give it to you.

What is my safety plan... is mine and it is no one else's business but those that are on it. It sucks big time when the core person on that plan is no longer available. Very unsafe feeling - destabilizing.

Keep doing what you need to do to stay safe with the most kindness and the least amount of damage. It's really all any of us can do.

Elio,
You made me cry! What you wrote was so beautiful and understanding and it gives me some hope. I'm sorry your struggling, too. And I'm perfectly okay with your post being about you as well! All we know is our own experiences, so I value you sharing.

I am trying my best. Reaching out to G, reaching out here on the forums, even continuing to try to communicate my needs on the forums, and so much more, are evidence that I'm trying. Not SH'ing, following my safety plan, taking my PRNs, even admitting to the possibility of hospitalization: trying.

Thank you for seeing me and understanding.

The end of the semester is approaching. There are only a couple more weeks of class and this group will be gone. Classes have different personalities and this one has just been whiny, non resilient, afraid of their own shadows, and constantly displaying an enthusiasm for defining themselves with exaggerated emotional mental health diagnoses. It's getting so if you don't have an anxiety or other disorder of some sort - you just aren't cool-and you would be decidedly in the minority

Interesting. Ive been seeing snippets here and there about the effects of the pandemic on students, but i've been largely ignoring them. Did this group do their undergrad mostly during the covid? Or somesuch.

There's also social media to blame. More time spent indoors and parents trying to be best friends with their children.

Social media and the infection of misinformation is definitely impacting young people's understanding of themselves. So much emphasis on how you configure your identity that it's vitally important to have the right sexuality, the right mental illness, the right virtue signal to send out. Back in my day (get off my lawn), identity was about important things like passions, thoughts, connections, spirituality, not about external characteristics such as disability or gender identity. It all feels so empty - and maybe covid has contributed to this sense of directionless living.

Scarlet, it's great that you can identity your needs and ask for understanding. People here won't necessarily seek to meet your needs or speak in the understanding way that you desire. We do not operate from a script and you miss a lot of useful stuff when you disregard or rally against things which people say because it does not fit your prescriptive version of understanding and empathy. I see people who take the time to respond to your posts in a variety of ways and there is real value in that and a kind of consideration. No one is defending other people because no one is attacking anyone, there is no need for people to justify perspectives. People are discussing and responding and offering words, this will look different because we are different people. For example, I find it difficult to offer "understanding" for a variety of personal reasons, but I still want to contribute and offer my thoughts.

If this was 10 years ago, I'd be praised for my progress. I'm not perfect nor am I operating at full capacity.

Please, if anyone has a problem with me, take it to pm's. I pm'ed you Comrade.

One can only control themselves - not other people. If info is useful then great - if you don't like it - ignore it is how I see it.

I have no idea - many of the students at my school didn't go straight through k-law school or maybe they didn't complete undergrad in 4 yrs. They also have a lot of prescribed drugs they take - and tell us about. I don't know which I find more concerning - the amount of drugging themselves so as not to have to experience and deal with life or the fact they talk about all the time