[MissCharlotte]

I am copying from another post of mine and starting a new thread:

How do you know T cares about you?

I am confident that he cares--his behavior shows it. How? Well, he always returns my phone calls even if he's crabby about them; he always accommodates my scheduling needs; he gives me phone sessions on the weekend if I need them to stabilize myself; he is always respectful; he always begins and ends sessions on time; he knows my kids and my H and their issues and is able to contextualize my therapy with this information; he takes the time to painstakingly review these ruptures we have and to figure out how to move forward; he helps me focus and clarify important information such as prior to a pdoc visit; he shows concern about my physical as well as mental health; he is willing to suspend his opinion to listen to my needs in session; he shows joy in my accomplishments and he listens to my poetry; he even looks at rainbows with me! So, yeah, he cares.

This was a really good exercise for me.

[Mouse_]

Compared to the people in my life in the past that were unable to truely care in any genuine way, then I know T cares. BUT its not that she just cares about me, its that she is capable of being caring in all her relationships and doesn't have a "dont care/do care" chart, shes just a genuine humanbeing who is real in all her relating. I've had to learn what caring feels like, and I think one can only learn that if theres someone there to care.

i asked. SHould i be able to tell from his actions? Yes He wants me to reach conclusions but i dont have that skill. Asking gave me the line with which to connect the dots.

his actions? well.. he hasn't kicked me out or walked away.. he has always returned my calls if i ask him to... he believes me... he tells me he is proud of me... he has worked very hard to help me... he is honest and genuine.. he has never flinched about anything i have ever asked... he gave me voicemails to help me in hard times when he is not there... Everyone says he is putting far more time and effort into being there and being solid for me than he could possibly do for all his clients... i suppose that implies that i am somehow cared about?

i dont know.. after that it becomes hazy and hard to decipher. How can i tell if an action is an action that implies caring vs just an action relative to general character? Something might make someone a nice person, or a thoughtful one.. but it may not imply caring about me. How could i tell?

[MissCharlotte]

Fluff,

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. How can i tell if an action is an action that implies caring vs just an action relative to general character? Something might make someone a nice person, or a thoughtful one.. but it may not imply caring about me. How could i tell?

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I think that Mouse hit the nail on the head when she said:

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I've had to learn what caring feels like,

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It is a matter of allowing the feeling state to guide you and let the brain rest a bit...

Peace

[Brian37]

I don't

and to be honest It doesnt bother me if she doesn't

If I ask her a question, she gives me her best answer
If I am unable to solve a problem she helps me facilitate a solution
She helps me understand my past and how it relates to the present
Shes working with me to help me control my anxiety and depression

I dont call her between sessions or e-mail her anymore....at one point I did

I have learned to rely on myself and my wife for support

my time between sessions has grown from once a week to now almost once a month and soon I will thank her and move on

I learned some lessons the hard way growing up and the world kicked me in the as% more than once....I went to therapy because I had no answers for my fears and worries

now I have had an opportunity to get those answers and learn the only fear is fear itself

I know many of you on this forum are facing much more difficult battles in your lives and I have no intention of making your situations
comparable to mine....everyone is different

I think all therapists have to have compassion and genuine concern for each client, but whether they actually care is open to debate thus let the debate begin!

[MissCharlotte]

Brian,

It's nice that you don't feel the need to call T anymore between sessions. I envy your peace of mind. However, it also sounds a little bit like you didn't win so you're moving on? I may have gotten this impression because you mention that you have learned to rely on yourself/wife. That feels more like retraction than moving forward.

It's too bad that you can't allow yourself to care whether T cares.

No pun intended--but my (very limited ) experience tells me that it's in that vulnerable place (of hoping, yearning, longing) that we can find our "touchpoint." What I mean is--the place that scares us the most--is the place where we can find the seeds that will help us to grow the tallest.

Me--I know he cares, not only about me but about his other clients as well. He is a loving, caring person and he brings much more to the table than professionalism and concern.

I also do the same. I am a teacher. And I am a really good teacher. I am a professional and I have compassion and concern for my students. But you know what? I really care about them too.

Peace

why does it ever have to be a debate? if i stick my foot in lime jello (no self reference intended) and it works for me, then so what, right?

No offense intended at all.. i am glad your experience has been overall positive Brian.

i'd really hate to see this thread go that way.. afterall, debating whether a therapist cares is a whole other thread topic. So if we are about to debate.. someone just call my T and let him know what he should do... i'm sure he'll be dying to know whether he should care about me or not.

[sunrise]

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MzJelloFluff said:
why does it ever have to be a debate?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I agree with that, Jello. People's answers will vary depending on who their therapist is and what their relationship is like. I don't see this as a one-size-fits-all question.

[lauren_helene]

Every time I think that I know T cares, something happens like it did this week, and I go the other way.

It's frustrating to me and I'm sure T...

Brian, I want to be in your spot!!!

I just emailed my T about this.

She used to tell me/us "I love you" at times. Recently she's withdrawn that statement. Not that she doesn't, but feels that ethically she's not sure she should. So now we use our own special term to tell eachother that we care for eachother.

One of my littles emailed her about how her ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS every could regarding her caring for us. We know this by the time she spends with us in session and responding to email. When she calls us back or calls to just check on how we're doing after an extremely upsetting email. By helping us through the trauma and all the insecurities.

Slowly learning that her actions make up where she can no longer say the words...

Wow, this is an interesting question....

Well, he has said that he likes me and cares about me. I'm glad he says that, because it gives me a bit of an anchor...but, being me, it would be easy for me to discount that as "oh, he just said that" (although he says he will always be honest with me, and I do try to believe him...)

But hearing him say that PLUS his actions makes me feel like...he really does care.

He's never not given me something I've asked for - whether it's an e-mail, a phone call, a phone message in his absence, an extra appointment, etc. Even an Uno game during session I feel like he is truly there for me.

He gives me the silly things I ask for too - like we have a running thing where we pretend he just spends all of his time in his office, 24/7, waiting for me, and sometimes at the end of session I ask if I can stay and just hang out there for the rest of the day - then we jokingly imagine his other client's reactions

We laugh together a lot.

He gave me a marble from his office to keep with me as a reminder of our connection.

He's expressed really genuine concern for my safety/health when I've been in a bad spot.

He sits on the couch with me while we do trauma stuff and I don't feel alone.

At the end of every appointment, he sits with me and we hold each others hands until I feel done. When it's been a really intense session, or we have a big break coming up, he holds my hands a little tighter, or rubs the backs of my hands with his thumbs. Before that, when I was scared of physical contact, we would sometimes touch fingertip to fingertip to connect.

He never makes me feel like my fears are silly.

He listens to me and believes me and believes in me.

I feel completely, totally safe with him - he has good, strong boundaries - which is huge because I was SA by a male "counselor" in my teens. I know that he is there FOR ME. He leaves his personal life outside of the room.

When we have any sort of rupture, he works really hard with me to repair it.

He told me that the attachment goes both ways - he is attached to me, too.

I could go on and on. I feel really, really lucky to have such an awesome T.

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lauren_helene said:
Every time I think that I know T cares, something happens like it did this week, and I go the other way.

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I hear you there! I was thinking I should print out my post to read when we have a rupture and I get paranoid about our relationship.

(((((((((((((((((( lauren-helene )))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe you could share the things that have told you in the past that T cares? I wonder if it would help with what you're going through right now to remember those things??

[MissCharlotte]

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I agree with that, Jello. People's answers will vary depending on who their therapist is and what their relationship is like. I don't see this as a one-size-fits-all question.

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Well, since I started this thread I will respond.

When I posed the question it never even entered my mind that some people don't think or care whether their T cares, so I suppose the question was directed to those who do. However, Brian's response gave me food for thought. My response to him was intended to provoke some thoughtful discussion rather than the debate he called for.

Sigh.

((((((((((Miss))))))))))))

i was posting as you did, when you responded earlier. i wasn't posting to you doll, or to Brian either really... more to everyone and to no one. i didn't object to your answer.. i hadnt even seen it. i'm sorry Miss, i wouldn't hurt your feelings on purpose, love. This was just a really beautiful thread and so many about T's and caring get ripped apart rather than a way to share, like this one is turning out to be.

[Merlin]

Both my T and my pdoc (at the time my pdoc was more a t) have at times said they worry about me. I think you have to care to worry about someone.

[sunrise]

ditto, MissCharlotte, what Jello said. My post was meant to say that I expect and respect the diversity of responses. I'm sorry my post made you sigh.

To answer the question, I know my T cares because he has told me and also by his actions. I like that he has told me without my having to ask. It means a lot to me since I have spent way too many years married to a man who was emotionally incapable and would never volunteer such information. So to have a man, even though he is my T, say without prompting that he cares is very powerful. It helps, at least a little bit, restore my faith in men.

I really like how he makes me tea and shares food with me.

[lauren_helene]

Hey earthmama, I have so much to share next week there just isn't time for it all.

Actually, some trauma stuff has been resurrected and I don't know how to handle this...happened last time he went on vacation too. Its worse this time...still I will not call him.

I think he's back because his assistant said he would be back just not on my normal session day....

[MissCharlotte]

Ok. More explanations in order? Sunny, your post didn't make me sigh--just the effort it took ME to explain my response to Brian....Jello, I never took any offense.

Love you all. I was really commenting on my own narrow view that was expanded greatly when Brian posted.

So>>>>>>>back to how do I know T cares?

Well, I thought of something else. During one of the recent ruptures, T said to me, "Miss, sometimes I think you forget that you are not the only one emotionally invested in this relationship."

i know my t cares for me for many reasons. First of all she had a full client list and added me to it after an initial consultation because she said i reminded her of what she'd been through and knew how desperate i was. She will ALWAYS go that extra mile for me, coming in on days off etc. she sees i am going too fast and almost stops therapy just to talk about what is bothering me now this minute and gets me stable before she starts again. she hugs me back, genine hug, not empty. she always buys me a gift that will help when she thinks i need one. she would not charge me a penny if i was unable to pay, buti always give her double the next time. (charity donation only)

she 'listens' and doesn't 'wait to talk'. i know she cares because she is a survivor herself.

Jinny

(((((((((((((((Therapist)))))))))))))))))))))

[foreverlost]

I don't think debates have to be nasty. I'm reluctant to post now...

I wish I knew my T cares, or do I? He does lots of things, above and beyond duty, that logically indicate it (e.g., I have a long drive and he brought me a pillow for back support in the car), but I'm a cynic. Emotionally, I keep thinking he cares because it's his job. And is that so bad? I'm not sure if it's healthy for me (not necessarily for anyone else), to think any more than that. Or maybe I just don't have the type of trust many of you seem to have acquired.

It's enheartening to see so many positive T postings. I am sure that they are all caring people. I agree that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to what's best. What's best is what works for you, I would guess.

I agree that this is may be a very individual

[Merlin]

he's seen me for emergency sessions, on times he has off
he talked me through a very bad mixed episode (the first i'd ever had)
when i was in the hospital he called and reassure me i was not crazy.

but one thing i have difficult with is that he went to med school with my mom, they were never friends and they only see each other at reunions (i've seen a picture of him at his graduation, which is cool.) i sometimes think he only helps me cause he couldn't stand to see my mom at reunions if i you-know-what

[hangingon]

Forever, I agree
I am not sure if I know my therapist cares. I mean its her job to, but on the other hand I have been going for almost 5 months and have yet to be very vulnerable. She tells me she knows its because I don't trust her enough and she is right. I think one time she read my mind, because she said its not about the money at all, its about wanting to see you and others become healthy.

I am almost beginning to think that the more vulnerable one makes themselves the more attached the therapist becomes but I could be way off....just a thought.

I am still way too untrusting at this point, though its 5 months later, and she has never given me reason to be, its just me.

So do I think she cares, I still can't tell because I have not allowed myself to go there yet. If I did, I would probably leave her in the dust just like everyone else who gets too close.

Hence my reason for seeking therapy...
Hanging on

As recently as last week, my T said to me, "I care about you." He told me that feels, sometimes, as though wants to take care of me-- and that is because he does care about me. However, even if he didn't say those words directly (but I am so glad that he did), it is very obviously to me that he cares.

He allows me to have an unlimited amount of phone calls and emails and he will always return them.

He comes to session with books and CDs that he knows I would like.

When I'm going through a very hard time, he will call out of the blue to see if I am okay.

One time I left his office during a snowstorm and he called to make sure I got home okay.

Last week I left his office in a pretty bad state and he called to make sure I got home okay.

He holds my hand when I need to be grounded.

He accepts every single part of my personality, no matter how raw.

He told me once, "The attachment is mutual."

It feels wonderful to be cared about like that.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi forever,

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, I keep thinking he cares because it's his job.

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Do you think it's possible that it's the other way around? What I mean is, maybe he has this job because he is a caring person?

Take care.

[foreverlost]

I must admit I'm a bit jealous, pink, especially because since yesterday's T session, I've become totally convinced (just me?) he doesn't want to see me anymore.

You may be right, hangingon, about the vulnerable/attachment relationship. I have not made myself vulnerable either, but it's been 14 mos. already for me, so you're not alone!

And, Miss, I totally think you're right about T's being caring people to begin with, or they never would choose their occupations. I think it takes a special kind of person to make a good T, and I would not be a good candidate. It's just that I don't think there's anything personal about it, know what I mean?

Thanks all.