Mostly, I never want to see him again.... however, I absolutely cannot wait to see him tomorrow. What gives? I do not know.

I want to be focused tomorrow. That is, I have actually thought about specific topics that I want to talk about. That is also part of the reason I'm writing this post-- to sort it out a bit.

I am going to tell him that sometimes he gets too complicated. And I understand this because he is similar to me in that way. When I try to explain something I tend to get overly intellectual/analytic about it and it can be difficult for anyone, except for me, to actually understand. He gets like that sometimes. One time I told him that sometimes I am very little in therapy, and can't comprehend when he speaks to me like that. When he called me after I sent him the MAJOR erotic transference email, I really didn't understand anything he was saying-- it wasn't that I was feeling like a little girl-- I just wasn't in the state of mind to understand concepts in that way-- I needed some validation, something simple and obvious (but not really to me) such as, "You're feelings will always be accepted in here." He just sort of went off on a deep tangent-- and I wasn't ready for it.

I want to tell him about a sexual experience that I had with my husband. I think it is significant because while it was enjoyable, I couldn't get that "connection" part of it. Like it was purely physical and nothing deeper than that. Hubby has been trying so hard lately, making so much of an effort. I want to explore why I feel like that during sex-- and I am sure that it is, in some way, related to some of my transference feelings towards T.

I want to tell him how I have been reading about erotic transference and I have an understanding of one aspect of its benefit, which is not even directly related to sexuality-- simply the concept of the therapist accepting the sexual feelings and admissions gives us even greater evidence that the therapist is not going anywhere-- he is here to stay, he is not going to run, he is not going to abandon. Although the non-reciprocation might feel rejecting, ulitimately, we are not rejected. We are sharing deep, vulnerable, (embarrassing!) feelings, and the therapist is here to stay.

I need to tell him that I SI'ed past the limit that we made the deal on (I had a really difficult week with some slip-ups). I will tell him this in the beginning of the session, in case he needs to kick me out. If that happens, I guess all of the aforementioned stuff will be null and void.

Of course, in order to tell him all of this I need to take down the wall and not be so %#@&#! mad at him. I left the last session by telling him, "screw you," and the phone conversation on the next day was way less than stellar. So if I'm going to say all of that stuff to him, I need to get un-mad... quickly. Cause when I'm mad at him, all I do is glare, hurl insults, use sarcasm, and refuse to cooperate (I am so mature, I know). So I have to soften up a bit if I want this session to be productive.

He will be suprised because I decided to start the Lamictal tonight. I feel myself cycling again and even though this is my 19th med, I actually do feel optimistic about it.

I want to hold his hand again, so badly. It has been a long time since I held his hand. I have been longing for that... to have that feeling of be grounded, taken care of-- completely non-sexual... to know that he is not afraid...

[MissCharlotte]

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I really didn't understand anything he was saying-- it wasn't that I was feeling like a little girl-- I just wasn't in the state of mind to understand concepts in that way

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This reminds me of myself. I once wrote in my journal about the different types of dissociation I experience and one is what I called a cognitive confusion. For me, it's an inability to "take in" anymore information because I have reached capacity--as if I am on intellectual overload.

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I will tell him this in the beginning of the session, in case he needs to kick me out

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I hope you can also tell him that you need to be there so the contract needs to be renegotiated. You are so brave. These slips are a sign of our vulnerability as people. Admitting them, and then trying to continue forward in good health is a big step. (((((pinksoil)))))).

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He will be suprised because I decided to start the Lamictal tonight. I feel myself cycling again and even though this is my 19th med, I actually do feel optimistic about it.

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I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Good luck with the Lamictal.

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I want to hold his hand again, so badly. It has been a long time since I held his hand. I have been longing for that... to have that feeling of be grounded, taken care of-- completely non-sexual... to know that he is not afraid...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sigh. You remind me of a child who bravely goes out/forward into the playground a bit further than the time before and then comes back to check that mom is still there.

Your work inspires me. I hope you feel better. Take gentle care of yourself.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[Kiya]

yeah - i hope things can be renegotiated and you can stay for the whole session. and hopefully you will get to hold T's hand... have that grounding - and hopefully a better set up for the week.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I often tell T "I have no idea what you're saying" when he gets too complicated for me in that moment. Therapy is confusing enough anyhow, and I'm totally likely to start interpreting the things he says completely incorrectly unless he can just simplify it and tell me what he's really saying.

I think Miss C had a really good point - tell him about the SI, but tell him you really need to be there.

You are being so brave! I know it's hard to take down those walls, push the anger aside, and let him in, but this is your chance to let yourself reconnect....let yourself go and get what you need, pink.

Good luck today. I hope your session brings you some peace.

[LittleMouse]

Pink...sometimes a cigar is just a cigar! Maybe you are spending too much time on this erotic transference issue and not enought time on other issues. From reading your posts it seems to me that you have become "stuck" on this issue and maybe you need to explore why you are spending so much time on this. Also, why are you mad at T? You do this often after he has really shared some intense time with you. You then get mad at him. Just some thoughts here.

[april15]

It sounds like you are testing your T to see if he really means what he says. Are you hoping that the erotic transference is enough to make him let you slide on the SI contract? If he is any good, he will not allow you to stay when you tell him that you SI'd over the limit that the two of you agreed on. If he lets you stay, then the whole contract has been meaningless. As a therapist yourself, you must realize this. Boundaries and consistency are important. How could you trust him if he let you slide? At some point, you chose to SI more than your alotted number, so in effect, you chose the consequences. If he lets you stay, he is basically telling you that there are no consequences in place, which inevitably means you aren't really safe because he doesn't mean what he says.

[Mouse_]

perhaps some uresolved Opedia stuff going on?

[sunrise]

Pink, I understand about the talk getting too complicated. There are times in therapy when I'm not sure it is too complex for me, but I have trouble following him, his words, the point he is trying to make. And it often seems like when he is saying something important, this happens. So I tell him I am having trouble and ask for a paper and pen and I ask him to say slowly the important points, and I repeat them back (and he corrects me if need be), and I write them down. I know this sounds kind of silly, but otherwise I fear I will miss important things--this often happens on action points for me (what am I supposed to do again?). Would that help you at all?

What is the contract? That you have to skip a therapy session if you SI beyond a certain point? If that's true, one option would be to take the bull by the horns and call him and say that you SIed too much so you won't be seeing him this time. Or see what he says when you call him. It might save you a trip.

RE the anger: Could you ask him for advice on how to handle it and move out of it so you can be more productive?

Good luck today. And good luck with the new med.

[Lemon]

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pinksoil said:

I want to tell him about a sexual experience that I had with my husband. I think it is significant because while it was enjoyable, I couldn't get that "connection" part of it. Like it was purely physical and nothing deeper than that.

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Sometimes sex is just sex and doesn't have to be more than that. Everyone is a physical being and it might be a good thing if you and your H can just have sex for the satisfaction of it.

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pinksoil said:
I need to tell him that I SI'ed past the limit that we made the deal on (I had a really difficult week with some slip-ups). I will tell him this in the beginning of the session, in case he needs to kick me out. If that happens, I guess all of the aforementioned stuff will be null and void.

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What was the agreement? I seem to remember something about you not having your Saturday sessions if you SIed past the limit. While I know it would be really hard to not have the session, it might be a good thing. I think you may need to have your T show you he is standing up to the boundaries he's set for the two of you. And all the stuff you want to talk about won't be null and void, your relationship with T won't be over, you'll just have to talk to T about it all the following session....I know much easier for me to say than to live it, but I think this might be a great growth opportunitiy for you. You'll see that someone is following through on the consequences that they set. Sorry if I'm offbase here.

[little*rhino]

thinking of you and wondering what happened...

be well, be safe

smoocheroo on a caribou

[ECHOES]

I hope your session was good today.

Hey everyone. I'll post the details tomorrow. I told him about the SI right away-- we talked about how much of an effort (or lack thereof) that I had made to connect to our relationship when I was overwhelmed with the feelings (that was the important part of the deal-- not so much the # of cuts, but the effort I made to connect). He said he would have no problem kicking me out if I wanted to leave (hahahaha), but didn't really think anything would get accomplished that way. He said the deal is still going to stand, and that I have to be more mindful of trying to reach that connection during those moments. Overall, it became one of the most fun, playful sessions we have ever had. I will post more detail tomorrow cause my sister is on her way from NY. I absolutely cannot wait. She called me a couple hours ago and said, "I'm coming over. I'm on my way."

I'm glad you had a good session, pink! Playing is so fun

Have a great time with your sister!!

T said to me, "What would I do if I could never play with you again?"

The funniest part of the session was when T said something that got me mad (of course), so I was playing/arguing with him... I needed a tissue, so as I'm looking straight at him, I reach for one from the box and pull it out in the most dramatic way possible-- and the box goes flying, lolol. T burst out laughing and goes, "That was perfect!" I was also laughing really hard and I'm like, "Whooops, let me clean up your office now," as I got up to put the tissues back.

The first half of the session was difficult-- I had a hard time staying grounded. He kept reminding me, "It's okay, you are here with me." I liked hearing him say that.

I told him most of the stuff that I wrote here in the original post, that I had wanted to tell him. I described the giant parrot costume to him and told him that I wanted to wear it so that he wouldn't recognize me... and he goes, "Right, of course I wouldn't recognize you... because I have so many other clients that are willing to come to session in a bird costume."

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april15 said:
It sounds like you are testing your T to see if he really means what he says. Are you hoping that the erotic transference is enough to make him let you slide on the SI contract?

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I don't believe erotic transference is a "reward" for T to "make him let me slide" on a contract.

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If he is any good,

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He's very good.

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he will not allow you to stay when you tell him that you SI'd over the limit that the two of you agreed on. If he lets you stay, then the whole contract has been meaningless.

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I'm not sure if you actually read my posts, but there was a bit more ambiguity in the "deal" than just a specific number. As I said, it has more to do with what I am doing in terms of trying to connect, rather than the amount.
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As a therapist yourself, you must realize this. Boundaries and consistency are important. How could you trust him if he let you slide?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Because he isn't "letting" me do anything. I am responsible and accountable for my own behavior. Staying in the session was something both of us decided on because we both thought it would be more benficial. Geez, my T isn't a behaviorist.
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At some point, you chose to SI more than your alotted number, so in effect, you chose the consequences. If he lets you stay, he is basically telling you that there are no consequences in place, which inevitably means you aren't really safe because he doesn't mean what he says.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Wow, you really draw a lot of conclusions. You are right in that I chose to SI-- however, situations are a lot more complicated and delicate than just kicking someone out because they went over a certain number. The work that we did yesterday in talking about maintaining a connection when the urges come up, was a lot more beneficial than getting sent home. Again, it is something that we decided together-- and that is normally how decisions are made in a therapeutic relationship, if the therapist is "any good."

[RACEKA]

I can be having the worst day and read your posts and just crack up. I just love reading your post because I never know what to expect. I think your very intelligent and a lot of fun. I would love to have therapy with you.

I have a question I've been wondering about. It's kinda personal. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I won't be offended. What does your H think about your relationship with your T? Do you talk to him about it at all? Just curious.

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sunrise said:

RE the anger: Could you ask him for advice on how to handle it and move out of it so you can be more productive?


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think that when the anger is acted out through play, it can be much more productive-- and that is what I did yesterday. With play and anger, there is a certain energy that comes from it-- which is different than building up a wall and folding my arms-- and also a lot better than the depressive state that I came in with-- because the result of anger/play is that I am able to engage.

Winnicott's explanation of the use of play in therapy is wonderful:

"Psychotherapy takes place in the overlap of two areas of playing, that of the patient and that of the therapist. Psychotherapy has to do with two people playing together. The corollary of this is that where playing is not possible then the work done by the therapist is directed towards bringing the patient from a state of not being able to play into a state of being able to play."

He believed that intimate relationships and creativity come from play. I feel that play is a great way to navigate through anger, erotic transference, and a lot of other difficult feelings.

[sunrise]

I think Play is interesting too, Pink, and am glad you were able to use it so effectively last time. I have to think about Play a little more, based on what you wrote--definitely thought-provoking. My T and I also play in therapy, but I had never thought of its function--I don't believe that our play has been related to anger (yet!). If pressed, I guess I would have said that playing helped us bond and build the relationship, or that it helped foster mutualism--so important in my T's approach. Plus, it's just dang fun and can be a much needed break from difficult work (e.g. trauma work).

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RACEKA said:

I have a question I've been wondering about. It's kinda personal. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I won't be offended. What does your H think about your relationship with your T? Do you talk to him about it at all? Just curious.

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I'm glad I can brighten your day a bit. My H is intimated by my relationship with T; I know that. I always suspected it, but it became quite evident in an argument that we had a couple of weeks ago. We were arguing about something or other, and H made a comment, "Why don't you go talk about this with T? I'm sure you get along with him REALLY well-- you ALWAYS listen to him."

I have absolutely no animosity towards H for feeling that way. He has absolutely no experience with therapy, and cannot be expected to understand what the relationship is like. If H had a female T and they had a close relationship, I would probably feel jealous and intimidated, too.

I don't talk much about therapy with H. He is always open to hearing if there is something that I want to share with him, but ulimately, it is a very private experience (except for here on PC, lol), and H respects my privacy.

H has never directly admitted the feelings that he has, but it is very obvious to me, especially after he made that comment. H has a hard time because he feels that he tells me things and I don't "listen," but that T tells me the same things and I "listen" to him.

Ultimately, I think a lot of it comes with H's desire and failure to "fix" what is wrong. I have spent a lot of time telling him that it is not possible for him to resolve my problems... especially those that existed before I met him. Hopefully, this is something that will come up in marital therapy. Perhaps we can work on it.

[skeksi]

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there was a bit more ambiguity in the "deal" than just a specific number. As I said, it has more to do with what I am doing in terms of trying to connect, rather than the amount.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm not trying to be confrontational; I'm figuring out how to manage my self-harm as well. But if you agree that if you go over X number you won't get your session, and then you do get your session, then what's the point of setting a number at all? If it's about how you are trying to connect, then why not measure that, instead?

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skeksi said:

I'm not trying to be confrontational; I'm figuring out how to manage my self-harm as well. But if you agree that if you go over X number you won't get your session, and then you do get your session, then what's the point of setting a number at all? If it's about how you are trying to connect, then why not measure that, instead?

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The number was really insignifcant and random-- I literally just yelled out a random number when we decided on the "deal."

As far as the connection, I don't believe that is quantifiable. It can only be measured by self-report-- by me explaining, in terms of the connection, what I did, or didn't do... how much I could, or couldn't...

I think that the important thing is that the deal served a very significant purpose so far-- I stopped SI'ing for five weeks, starting the day that we made it. I SI'ed last week because I became very depressed and the connection was slipping. I think that after five weeks of not SI'ing even once (and there was nothing in our contract that said I was supposed to stop completely), that my slip-ups were handled very effectively in yesterday's session.

[skeksi]

Okay, I see.

[winterbaby]

that is just fantastic 5 weeks without SI.Get back on the horse as they say, do the best you can. If you can do 5 you can keep going.

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winterbaby said:
that is just fantastic 5 weeks without SI.Get back on the horse as they say, do the best you can. If you can do 5 you can keep going.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks, Winter. I'm going to keep trying.

[(JD)]

That is good pink! Can you tell us what you replaced it with, what affirmations or other activities etc you do now when you think you might physically self harm?