[Xtree]

I find when I get emotional, upset, or have anxiety I cannot think, I shut down. I can never win an argument because I lose my thoughts. I just simply cannot keep up and because of this I never win an argument or defend myself. Obviously it is difficult for my H because I cannot express myself and he does not understand. I just had a couples session and I felt lost. Then i could not calm myself down. I had to leave and it took hours before I could go home.

How do you get better control of your emotions?

Has this every happened to you? Thanks.

Xtree

[chaotic13]

Xtree, YES all the time. AND it happens to most people.when the emotional centers are active and we are in the grips of a fight or flight response..the higher brain functions are inhibited. In the educational literature it is well documented that individuals in stressful environments have impaired critical thinking abilities. Consider it as your bodies way of telling you...STOP THINKING about what you should do...and just RUN or FIGHT.

[sunrise]

What does your T do during your couples sessions when this happens? Is what he does helpful? Do you need more support or intervention from your T during the couples sessions? Your time in couples sessions can be used to show your T your typical ways of interacting together. Then he can analyze them and make recommendations and steer the two of you down healthier paths. Easier said then done, I know! But your couples T is there to help. Are you and your H deliberately having arguments in therapy so your T can help you with how to do that? (My H and I never argued so I wouldn't even know how to do that, but I think it's probably a good thing to know?)

Another comment, and maybe this is just coming from my "no conflict" loving self: it seems there is a lot of talk about "winning" and "arguing" and "defending yourself" in your post. Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to win, why does your H have to win? Can there be a middle path or compromise? Why do you have to be defending yourself? Is your H attacking you in session? It sounds really stressful. Is there a way to find some common ground and shared goals and build from there? I know couples work is so very hard....

I find when I get emotional, upset, or have anxiety I cannot think, I shut down.

Is that something you could work on in an individual session with this T? Could he help you with coping skills so you can stay present better during confrontation?

[Mouse_]

xtree, I always felt I wanted this, the ablity to win an argument, and I realised that wanting that is like me wanting to still drink but get drunk better. Sometimes its best to just walk away from arguments, especially if its not your "stuff", its just someone else wanting to drag you into their crazy emotions so they can sit back and watch you squirm..its like that age of dysfunctional game of passing the hot potoato. yes you can feel angry still and upset, but you can take those with you and parent yourself and calm yourself down. Being with crazy people makes you feel crazy, and winning isn't the solution you think it to be. Mastering your emotions takes time, but thats the real solution.

[phoenix7]

Yes I lose my words - I close my eyes to shut out all other distractions and sometimes the words come back ... somtimes they dont and I take a break from what I am doing and come back to it

[Sannah]

I would suggest working through it afterwards. I did plenty of this and it really helps you to understand what happened and understand yourself better. Bit by bit you will understand your feelings better so that they do not overwhelm you.

Originally Posted by Xtree

I find when I get emotional, upset, or have anxiety I cannot think, I shut down. I can never win an argument because I lose my thoughts. I just simply cannot keep up and because of this I never win an argument or defend myself. Obviously it is difficult for my H because I cannot express myself and he does not understand. I just had a couples session and I felt lost. Then i could not calm myself down. I had to leave and it took hours before I could go home.

How do you get better control of your emotions?

Has this every happened to you? Thanks.

Xtree

Hi X tree,

yes I have since I can remeber . For me I now see its a combination of I belive what happens to people with ADHD & those with being in a situation where they could not respond nor were shown how to because of reprisal .

I get flooded with info when Im trying to explain something and it doesn't have any emotionalality involved .

If Im feeling the need to defend

this makes things more so and I either go blank or burst out in anger . thats the flight or fight.

When I try to tell a person thats not right, your veiwing me wrong or I didn't do that all the details come rushing in from the present times this happened in the past and I just can't get it out.

Right now I get defensive when trying to tell doctors that how they are seeing me is not what I experience for me . I get over whelmed with all thats rushing in and I get frustrated and angry . I may cry even.

So just a few minutes ago I was asking myself . What should I do when I get like that . Rather than rush in and defend myself .

I thought all I have to do is say .

"I feel defensive right now ." and stop.

just that .
Im not sure what would happen next from the other person .
Im going to try it The next time someone fires something toward me and I get that racing for an answer and get flooded.

Sometimes thoughts woud go away so far that I coud not retrieve them if it was about some kind of trauma . Thats a bit different than staying in a discussion that may be more of a heated one . or argeument.

you can also say Im going blank now or Im blocking . I always can process afterwards . And then its difficult because Im ready but no ones available to hear it and the feelings are there so I have to either find a way to process them else where and save them till the next time .

Sometimes I let them slip away as an avoidence because I don't want the emotions to come up again.

Patricia

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Auroralso

I thought all I have to do is say .

"I feel defensive right now ." and stop.

just that .
Im not sure what would happen next from the other person .

Sometimes that will bring on an attack from the other person. I think it would have from my mother when I was a child. So you might have to be prepared, or as prepared as possible, for that possibility. You are doing good work, but that doesn't mean others will always see that.

[Sannah]

It just hit me that I sort of do this with my emotions. For instance, I work with kids who are behind in school and I was talking to a teacher about a break through with a student and we were both so excited and I got overwhelmed with my feelings because they are so strong. I handle it but they really hit me strongly. When I left I went over it in my mind and made this conscious realization about this even though I have known it unconsciously for a long time. I guess the only issue that I have with it is that it sort of almost knocks you over. I would just like to not be overwhelmed by it. It doesn't cause any problems, though, really. I'll keep being aware of it.............

[Sannah]

Auro, do you think that it has anything to do with having to explain or express yourself?

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It sounds really stressful. Is there a way to find some common ground and shared goals and build from there? I know couples work is so very hard....

Is that something you could work on in an individual session with this T? Could he help you with coping skills so you can stay present better during confrontation?

I guess this is why we are in couples therapy, it is very difficult. I do not have to win, I need to at least keep up. I need to hold up end of communicating, that is where the problem is. Not just in couples therapy but in any situation that evokes my emotions.

you are right, learning coping skills in individual sessions is what needs to be done.

Xtree

[phoenix7]

(((Xtree)))

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Sometimes that will bring on an attack from the other person. I think it would have from my mother when I was a child. So you might have to be prepared, or as prepared as possible, for that possibility. You are doing good work, but that doesn't mean others will always see that.

Hi Pachyderm,

I'm feeling defensive right now.........



LOL!!!!!!


Now that you mention it . I see you may be right . I guess my expression may not help either . Because I strain to focous I have a permanent two line fisure between my brow that makes me look angry even when smilling . or just thinking So .

got any other suggestions ? on what else to do . I think In Chaotics thread IN the abuse section there was a mention of using hand signals . So maybe just saying it to myself "I'm getting defensive " and a hand signal.

but then theres silence and you have to set up ahead of time what the signal is about . I have a phone friend who would get very angry at me when I woud go silent . Get verbally angry. Your going silent again I'm going to hang up and would . even after I tried to tell him I couldn't help it.

thats not a problem any more because I seldom call.

I never looked at defensiveness as a reaction of emotional fooding but it is actually, and its not being caused by the other person its more my reaction because of the flooding .

I belive, now that I ponder it a bit.

[phoenix7]

I would love to have my emoticons with me - when I got freaked out I could hold up a sign with on it ! most of the time it would prob be either or or more likely

Seriously a hand signal sounds good - or just say "ive gone blank"
with T I would say "Ive lost my words" at work I say Whoa! my one brain cell jsut went to sleep - what did you say?"

I hope you fnd somthing that works for you

Originally Posted by Mouse_

xtree, I always felt I wanted this, the ablity to win an argument, and I realised that wanting that is like me wanting to still drink but get drunk better. Sometimes its best to just walk away from arguments, especially if its not your "stuff", its just someone else wanting to drag you into their crazy emotions so they can sit back and watch you squirm..its like that age of dysfunctional game of passing the hot potoato. yes you can feel angry still and upset, but you can take those with you and parent yourself and calm yourself down. Being with crazy people makes you feel crazy, and winning isn't the solution you think it to be. Mastering your emotions takes time, but thats the real solution.

Hi Mouse ,

Not sure about X tree, but just thinking about this I think its more feeling like its winning wth ourselves in the frustratuion of not beign able to express ourselves . In reading her intial post I think I see this .

If you can't express yourself you are the one whos not really being present . And since we all make assumptions about other they or we are needing to make corrections when they are not right or are miss representing our true selves .

boxing is a nice visualization even though its a fighting one .

Its like having an opponent make several jabs and the other just stands there with thier arms at thier side .

Patricia

Originally Posted by phoenix7

I would love to have my emoticons with me - when I got freaked out I could hold up a sign with on it ! most of the time it would prob be either or or more likely

Seriously a hand signal sounds good - or just say "ive gone blank"
with T I would say "Ive lost my words" at work I say Whoa! my one brain cell jsut went to sleep - what did you say?"

I hope you fnd somthing that works for you

LOL!!! I like this one...



Thank you. Pheonix

Originally Posted by Xtree

I guess this is why we are in couples therapy, it is very difficult. I do not have to win, I need to at least keep up. I need to hold up end of communicating, that is where the problem is. Not just in couples therapy but in any situation that evokes my emotions.

you are right, learning coping skills in individual sessions is what needs to be done.

Xtree

I get this X tree,

Its not about winning . Its about staying in the game but its not a game , but some think it is .. well you know what I mean .

And Im glad I found your thread because I haven't adressed this in depth. I think when it was being touched upon I was so flooded or struggling with gatherig my thoughts to express myself I couldn't connect that with when a therapist said are you blocking?
not many did ask that.

the mechanics of it never got worked out . And it sounds like your couples T and your husband are not seeing this hapening to you or they are waiting for you to comeout and share it .

I think working on it in individaul is a good idea and might feel safer . It's not easy and I feel for you .

Patricia

Originally Posted by Sannah

It just hit me that I sort of do this with my emotions. For instance, I work with kids who are behind in school and I was talking to a teacher about a break through with a student and we were both so excited and I got overwhelmed with my feelings because they are so strong. I handle it but they really hit me strongly. When I left I went over it in my mind and made this conscious realization about this even though I have known it unconsciously for a long time. I guess the only issue that I have with it is that it sort of almost knocks you over. I would just like to not be overwhelmed by it. It doesn't cause any problems, though, really. I'll keep being aware of it.............

Hi Sannah ,

This happens to me . I get excited . like I am right now if Im making connections and it feels safe I start bouncing around in my head . Its not a manic one as in unrealistic . just energizing.

And I get happy and excited for others and have to process it later .

But sometimes I have shame around my excitement like some adults are judging me as beign imature . Not this self contained calm person which I may appear to be on the outside but inside I don't feel this way.

Auro, do you think that it has anything to do with having to explain or express yourself?

yes I do think some of my emotions are a result of my inability to express myself because of my mind getting flooded with info . So maybe I need to discern that my frustration and defensiveness is more about my inability than it is about the peron who is mispercieveing me and my need to correct or inform .

light bulb...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Auroralso

But sometimes I have shame around my excitement like some adults are judging me as beign imature . Not this self contained calm person which I may appear to be on the outside but inside I don't feel this way.

Give that shame the boot! There is nothing to be ashamed of!

I am so glad that you are having lots of lightbulb moments with this thread!

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

Mastering your emotions takes time, but thats the real solution.

I agree Mouse. Mastering your emotions is the secret. At least having some control over them where as they do not overwhelm you, cause you to lose your words or prevent your mind from going blank. What does these e symptoms have in common? Anxiety!

Originally Posted by Sannah

Bit by bit you will understand your feelings better so that they do not overwhelm you.

Great point, "understand your feelings". Getting in tune with them instead of hiding them. I think learning how to feel the hurt and knowing that you will survive it is the problem. Knowing if you feel a painful feeling it will pass at some point?

Xtree

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Mastering your emotions is the secret. At least having some control over them where as they do not overwhelm you, cause you to lose your words or prevent your mind from going blank. What does these e symptoms have in common? Anxiety!

Great point, "understand your feelings". Getting in tune with them instead of hiding them. I think learning how to feel the hurt and knowing that you will survive it is the problem. Knowing if you feel a painful feeling it will pass at some point?

There is no controlling emotions. This is what gets people in trouble in the first place. There is understanding them, allowing them, allowing grief........

If I am in a room full of people and suddenly I have an emotion surface I am not ashamed of that. I have every right to any emotion that I have. If anyone has any trouble with that, it is their problem, not mine.

Now I had to get to this point. I, like everyone else here, was ashamed of my feelings and I didn't understand them and I tried to hide them.

Once you unload all of your past unexpressed feelings you will be much more able to deal with any emotions that come up today. My stash of feelings is empty. Anything that I am feeling today is from today or maybe from the last few weeks if I am still dealing with something.

Some times I get triggered and then I realize that I have a little more work to do on something or I realize that I need to be mindful that this sort of situation can trigger me but then once you realize this it can't be triggered anymore!

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by Sannah

There is no controlling emotions. This is what gets people in trouble in the first place. There is understanding them, allowing them, allowing grief........

Once you unload all of your past unexpressed feelings you will be much more able to deal with any emotions that come up today.

You are right, what is happening now is a build up from controlling emotions. Then situations arise where emotions should be expressed but instead I get overwhelmed because I do not know how to to express them and of course the next step is the inability to think or remember.

Unloading all my unexpressed feelings sounds likes a solid solution. I think the difficult part is associating feelings with the past instead of disassociating. That is a pretty big task which I have no idea how or where to start.

Xtree

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Unloading all my unexpressed feelings sounds likes a solid solution. I think the difficult part is associating feelings with the past instead of disassociating. That is a pretty big task which I have no idea how or where to start.

Xtree

Yeah, it can be hard to separate the present from the past. It seems so real sometimes. Learning over (much) time seems to be the answer.

[chaotic13]

I so struggle with verbally expressing the throught in my head. I know I could not handle couples therapy because of this...I would feel bombarded. For a really long time I found the silence my T allowed during sessions intolerable. I finally mentioned how much I hated silence. We talked about this an afterwards I could better handle it.

Communication while your brain is overwhelmed by all the neurons firing, is incredibily difficult. That is why after session I was just resort to drawing the stiff in my head. I will say...keep trying.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Xtree

You are right, what is happening now is a build up from controlling emotions. Then situations arise where emotions should be expressed but instead I get overwhelmed because I do not know how to to express them and of course the next step is the inability to think or remember.

Unloading all my unexpressed feelings sounds likes a solid solution. I think the difficult part is associating feelings with the past instead of disassociating. That is a pretty big task which I have no idea how or where to start.

Maybe it would help to understand how you got this way? What the messages were, direct and indirect, which told you to stuff instead of express???????

When you start to dissociate maybe later try to understand what happened, what feelings were you flooded with, and then try to understand from there?????

I got better by taking one issue at a time and working on it.