Can't shake the thoughts this week

Just be honest with him....If I were you, I would have emailed him that I'm still having feelings for him and this is bothering me that he's contacting me like this....and tell him that you are in dating process and he takes your focus away....tell him whatever it's in your mind and whatever it's bothering you....and tell him to stop contacting you till he figures out what he wants....
I think this way you can get rid of all these drama....I hope he answers you....

I think he has made up his mind Belle. He has decided not to make up his mind about anything. To play people to keep the focus on Mark.

I have been reminded of something for a while so maybe I will share it now. I was in my last year of highschool and heartbroken from a breakup with my boyfriend when he went away to university. He would often come home for weekends and would inevitably end up at my door drunk after a night out with the boys. By the following Tuesday I would receive a card in the mail apologizing for his conduct. This went on for months and each time it broke my heart. Finally I didn't let him in. I told him I wasn't going to be used by him anymore with his 2am booty calls. He needed to stop playing my broken heart. I wanted him to still love me and to want me back in his life. He never came back again.

My point in telling the story is to suggest that some times people will do whatever they can get away with. They will play all sides as long as they can. Until I made up my mind I was giving him permission to use me. Once I made up my own mind about what I needed from him he could no longer play me. I lost him but I had already lost him but at least in the end I had owned the outcome. I missed him.... even the 2am knocks on the door but it was worth it to block the door and take back my heart. He too seemed unable to make up his mind about us until my boundaries forced him to decide. He choice his frat boy freedom over his home town sweetheart. I was spared the game playing and got on with my life.

Funny side story..... some 10 or so years later when I was high on success with my design business a mutual friend told me my old boyfriend was single again and living in the city. He had been briefly married to a girl he met at university. I took the bait and called my old boyfriend when I was in the city on a buying trip. He seemed a little tentative but invited me up to his highrise office overlooking the bay. Very impressive. He told me all about his accumulated assets from his rich business executive lifestyle and then he dropped the bomb. He was getting married the next day. OMG. Get me out of here. No wonder he was tentative. lol. Just goes to show that one really can't ever go back. Things change for a reason and one is wise to not look back.

wow...thanks for sharing your story with us Sanity....one very old boy friend of mine (one of the first ones that I was so obsess with) has requested to be friend with me on facebook....I haven't accepted his request yet and I don't think I want to accept it at all....what's a point of catching up really? that he tells me about his love stories and I tell him about my heart broken stories....hehehe.....no...I won't! I feel good this time for not accepting his request and rejecting him finally!!!!

Thanks Marjan! You are very kind. And of course - right too.

Belle - my sweet - thank you for letting me share your thread. I sense you feel stronger. I think the more you regain with yourself the less Mark has of you. Which is so good.

I had a T session today and it was good - I feel stronger. My T saw ex by accident a week ago. Strangely, on the same day, without knowing, I texted her to say that if she he contacts her not to say where I am. I had a strong feeling on the day that he will contact her / see her.... how strange is that....

I will post more on another thread. Belle - how about stopping all communication with Mark at this stage, at least until he is clear about what he wants and follows? - just as Marjan and Sanity implied?

Thanks girls

I think that I find it hard to stop contact with him because I still love him - as sad as that is....
He knows I am dating I made that clear to him when he wanted to catch up that I couldn't on so and so night because I had a date...
I waiver from being really strong and wanting nothing to do with him to wanting to see that he is alright.
Everything you girls have said is true - I am in a limbo again but it's different to the past - this time he can't really hurt me with his decisions - he can only hurt himself.
I am putting a time line in my head on 'playing his game'.. okay so it's a long time line but it's a way for me to cope.. he has til the end on May to figure out what he wants.
Tatyana I am glad that you feel stronger. As each day passes it will become much easier - take it from me LOL as long as you stick to what you want and let the outcome arrive then everything becomes clear.

I admire your honesty. And I like the time line idea. Its good to have a time frame in mind.

I know how you feel - I still love ex too. I too have moments when I dont want anything to do with him and moments when I just want to know how he is and hug him. Maybe its like how the relationship was - bad good...

For me - I cannot possibly speak to him. I dont know what to say even. I once called and hung up - how immature... He sounded awful. Just his Hello - was sad and low. But I had nothing to say. What can I say? I love you but dont want to see you? My stuff are in the house but I am not coming back? I so wish you could give me what I need please tell me you can? Its all non-sense and wont lead anywhere...

I want to stick to what I want - thing is - that might change and I do not want it to. I just hope I will have the strength to continue not to want to be with him...

Thing is - I already left him in the past and then came back to him only to find 2 years later that his behaviour regressed again... I dont want the hurt and any more disappointment. The notion that he cannot give me what I need is so painful as it is.

Well, I was offered a contract today with a new client so I am really happy about that. Now I can start planning a bit more.

Why do you need Mark to know you are dating? So he knows you are not sitting around waiting for him?

I think that I do need Mark to know that I am not just sitting around waiting for him... it's important to me that he knows that i am a bit different now to how I was. I also told him that I hadn't missed him until he messaged me - it was true - I didn't miss him, of course now I do.

I am glad you got a new contact and can start planning a bit more for the future. You will need to get you things from your ex's sooner rather than later though.. it must make him also think that maybe you will be coming back...
Stay strong and I'll stay strong too.
I will not contact him.. he can contact me when he has sorted out his head.

Some bills came to my renatl property in Mark's name... the tenant posted them to me (so I did know they were coming but had forgotten)... Mark had his mail re-directed so am not sure what happened but there was a phone bill and an elect. bill.
I rang his mobile and left a message about them.
He rang back and yes I answered. My heart didn't race, my head didn't explode LOL..
I told him about the bills (he told me to open them) and asked if I could scan them at work tomorrow and email them to him... No worries.
I was saying "okay then, have a good day" when he said at the same time "So what else has been happenng" or something like that.
We ended up chatting, just about work and general stuff. I made one comments about it being weird to talk after 4 months of not speaking to each other.. he replied with it doesn't feel weird to me. He was right it just felt 'normal' like the last 5 months hadn't happend - now that was strange for me.
After I got off the phone (had to get ready for yoga) I text him and said "bet you miss me les after listening to my work chatter LOL" and as usual short and to the point, his reply was "no".
I sent him a further message saying "well get your s**t sorted out so that we can be 'real' friends then. I am going into the future with an open heart and mind as always."
Not really sre what I mean by the last bit other than if we could be friends then maybe something more would be possible one day.
I didn't get a reply of course didn't expect one. I am supposing that he is even more confused now that he has heard my voice and spoken with me.

Had to get all of this off my chest. I am not going to over analyze it.. not worth doing that over a simple phone call.

Thanks for reading

It's okay Belle...there is nothing that you can do....good that you wrote for us, not that I approve what you have done....hehehehe....but you got to get to that realization by yourself....
Honesty...I think the bill was an excuse for you to call him.....I would not call the guy unless I like to get back to him....I would have scanned them and mail them to him instead of calling him....
There was a time that I had to call my ex-husband....but that was necessary as I was moving here and I wanted to sell my car, and I found out it's under both of our names and I needed his signature....but I ended up giving it to him which was the easiest way for me.....but poor guy, I could see the hope in his eyes and I didn't want to get back to him at all....he tried his best to take me out for coffee, for dinner....of course I didn't want to go, but he was begging and telling this is just friendship to catch up after two years!!! I knew I didn't want him and won't get back to him....and I know even now he has hope to get back to me.....
okay...I get back to work now....

Too bad Belle that Mark isn't as nice a guy as Marjan is a woman. She tries to spare her ex from false hope while Mark feeds your false hope again and again and again. He's not a nice guy and he is ruining it for the great guy waiting to find you.

Enough already girlfriend. It is hard to let go but let go you must. The longer you play these games with him and yourself the more chances you give him to break your heart again and again.

Life is ticking Belle. Go find that father for the children you desire. Mark ain't him. He is still a child himself and would be a disaster for fatherhood even if he were up for the job and he has made it pretty clear he isn't. You just can't seem to hear him say 'he's just not that into you anymore.' Get the book!!!

He's not even friend material for heaven's sake.

I am not going to apologize for the harshness of my post because I know you know I have your best interests at heart and am speak from my heart to try to shake you up. I hate seeing you waste your time on him. You say you are living your life but really you are just spending time waiting. How much time are you willing to give away to waiting on a lost cause? Waiting on someone who owns your heart but no longer deserves it. I await the day you reclaim your heart, your life and your dreams of a future with children and a man who adores you. Not a man who strings women along and cheats on one woman after the other. OMG why would you choose a man like that? You wouldn't logically. You are just caught by your feelings. Sure you still love him. That's not a bad thing but it isn't a love that will satisfy you for long. LIfe is short Belle. Don't waste any more of it on someone who will cost you dearly.

You said what I was going to post in my previous post, but I erased it, cause didn't want to be harsh....
That's the true part of it....He's not into you....but that's okay....It's not end of the world....
I read that book when it just came out and I absolutely loved it....but I didn't like the movie....it was so chick flick and cheesy!!!!

Thanks girls Love you both and I know you have my best interests at heart.

Marjan.. the only reason I did ring him about the bills is that they were "legal action" bills and I wouldn't want any one to get in to trouble like that.. I didn't expect him to ring to be honest.. thought a message would be all I got.
I love him.. I'm a loser I know but I love him...

I am seeing another guy though.. he's a bit young I think but seems really mature and nice and sweet and all the things I look for in a guy. We have similar tastes in music and the same general out look on life.. I will meet him for the first time on the weekend (want to get my hair done first LOL).
I know that I am not really giving myaelf a chance at finding happiness while I am in limbo over Mark but I don't know what to say/do. If there was a chance that he was genuine and made amends then I would like the chance to try again

He didn't actually cheat on me... I know sounds like I am making excuses even as I write this.... He did end things with me before he started dating her... it's just that he didn't tell me he was seeing anyone and he went about it a VERY wrong way.. having her in the house etc... I don't know that I will ever forget that but I think I can forgive it...

Love you guys so much, hope you aren't too disappointed in me.

Thanks Belle.

I agree with both M and S!

I wonder - what needs to happen before you allow yourself to let go of Mark?

He is a narcissist. Everything you say about him points to that. Maybe learn a bit how they operate... It would help to see beyond the image.

Hugs xxx

P.s yes, I know I have to take my stuff - and you are probably right saying that he thinks I ll be back as long as they are there. But I cannot face it all yet. I took the train to see my counsellor yesterday which goes the same direction as the house and also stops at the stop 5 mins walk from the house - I had such stomach pains the whole way I thought I was being sick. I cannot do it yet.

Tatyana, hugs to you. It will get easier and one day you will be able to get your things xx

I don't know how i am going to let do of Mark.. while he is confused and not sure what he wants I'll keep hanging on I know it. Talking with him yesterday was like no time had passed and we feel back in to the old rythym of chatting - I miss him.
I'm emotionally involved again.. I never intended this to happen, I was moving forward and happy. Now I am still happy but there is a burning desire in me to reconcile with Mark if I get the chance. What we had over the 5 and half years was magical to me and if he has made a mistake being with her and can right his previous wrongs then I have to give it a chance I think..

In saying all of this I have no idea what is really going through his head other than he misses me.. he's still living with her so until he figures out what he wants I am in a limbo state of mind.

I am only giving him until the end of May (as I said before.. it gives me a deadline and something to focus on to move towrds.)... if he is still 'confused' then, well it's over no matter what he thinks he wants.

Thanks Belle.

Like the others said - life is short! And there are things you want out of life. Can you really afford to wait for him to be clear about what he wants? I know that waiting till end of May is not long - I hope you will stick to it!

And can you see whats wrong in saying you will wait for a guy who has been with you for over 5 years and now confused? How can you ever trust him again?

My ex was never confused, he was always faithful and his heart and body were always devoted to me. But when he became abusive it was like he was cheating on me with an invisible entity. He destoyed my trust and betrayed me. When you are with someone you give them yourself. Your - self. And like Bill3 wrote to me so kindly - I layed my dreams at his feet and he was wrackless... I will never forgive him.

I wonder how, if Mark wanted to be with you again, you can ever trust him.

He is with Lisa and tells another woman he misses her.. What a louzy thing to do... Can you ever trust that he will be honest, consistent and true to himself and to you??

You are not a loser and no self deprecating labels are going to let you off the hook. Sorry but we want better for you than that. Yes you love him but he abuses your love so what does it matter at the end of the day. You love him but he doesn't love you back the same way or you would be married with kiddlets playing in the back yard by now.

Genuine about what? Make amends about what? You told him he had a chance to fix things; that you were open to trying to work things out again and still he strings you along. You give him this long timeline while you wait. He holds all the cards while you wait. He sleeps with her while you wait. He is engaged to her while you wait.

I guess that is a matter of perspective Belle. They sure moved fast if nothing was going on before he broke off with you. Seems to me something had to be going on between them before he finally broke it off with you. I just wonder how long she was nagging on him to break off with you before he finally did.

The contact he is having with you constitutes cheating on Lisa in my book. I know I would have issues if my man was talking with his former girlfriend about their breakup. Telling her he misses her, misses them.... was so confused. Unless he is telling her about his contact with you I call it cheating. It is deceptive and shows a real lack of character.

I am sorry Belle you still see hope in a future with Mark. I know the feeling of holding onto false hope and I hate to see you in that place when it is so obviously futile.

Not only that but he just doesn't seem worth it.

I know its hard but truly it won't get easier until you let go and move on. See him for who he is and measure him up to what you need from a life partner. Image that love you have for him being directed at someone worthy. Someone honourable and trustworthy and capable of real love. How marvelous would your life be?

You will love another Belle as or even more intensely as you have loved Mark. I promise you that. If you command it you will find someone who gives it all back to you more than you ever knew with Mark. You just have to believe yourself worthy of such a love. YOu really are worthy Belle. We see it and so will others once you take Mark of the pedistal you have put him on.

Love you Belle and I am sorry if my straight talk is hitting too hard. I am just anxious for your life to get out of the holding pattern it is in because of Mark's hold on you. You deserve so much better.

Tatyana... have you thought about asking someone else to go by and pick up your stuff? I have done that for friends before when they can't do it themselves. At least then you can move on.

Sanity - Thanks. No, first - they would not know whats mine and whats his and there are things that belong to both of us (which he can probably mostly have...) and also - its something I need to do. But I want to take a bit more time. Its moving a whole house and so I need to be secure in my new job and find a new house and then go back with friends and move my things.

I miss him more and more every day - its breaking my heart but there is nothing I can do. There are moments I hate him and moments I love him. I just want to be over this.

I remember that happening to me everytime my ex would call. We were always really good on the phone. He travelled quite a bit for his job and we would always have long talks on the phone. I can't tell you how many times I let my hopes rise after a talk on the phone with him since we broke up. It took a long time for me to stop making more out of the call than what it was.

Thanks sanity... yes your writing is hitting me hard.. but I am glad that you care so very much.
I think that he had an emotional connection with her at work bewfore we broke up but only because (so I have been told by others at his work place) that she is manipulative and uses tears to get her own way.

((((belle))))))

belle, does mark know that you are willing to give him until the end of may? if he doesn't then you might as well tell him so you both can find some resolution with this.

Hi Bloom,
He doesn't know my time frame - it's just in my head.

Do you really think that I should tell him?

I think its a good idea to tell him. This way you are honest with him and not playing his mind games and keeping eachother guessing. It kind of kills his game a little and also re-enforces your strength and decision.

That also mean you will have to live by this time frame, and I know it can be hard.

Lisa may be manipulative but he is his own person and should have stayed clear. He found something he needed. I know its hard but just remember its not about you. Its about his own make up and by the sound of it Belle you are worth so much better.

girls girls girls.....what is the time frame? waiting for Mark to change....ha!!!!
Honesty, I'm so jealous at Mark....He's engaged with another girl, cheated and betrayed the one that he had for five and a half years...but guess what? He still has both of them....one waiting for him to get married and settle down, the other one waiting for him to start dating again or even he has option to be friend with her.....Belle...don't you see the whole picture?
There are tons of other guys on earth....thanks to the population growth!!!
(((((((sorry for being so brutal, but I think you need it girlfriend)))))))))

Today, in the radio was talking about some statistics, such as how likely is to get back together after breakups? and the answer was "not that much of chance, because there was a reason for breakup....just move on".....

take care guys and be happy...
Marjan