Desiring other people

I just want to start out saying I don't have any plans to cheat on my wife and I serious doubt I would. I don't want to say I have a code I live by, but there are certain things I wouldn't do. I would never forgive myself for betraying her.

With that being said, I often find myself thinking what it would be like to be with other people. Not just sexually, but how my life would be married to someone else.

A couple months ago I was watching some youtube video's and I stumbled upon this channel psychetruth. There is a women, Corrina, that does videos and I found myself having a slight crush. I just wondered what it would be like if Sarah was more like her. She seemed to be a very compassionate, honest and confident with herself. My wife is honest (i believe), but compassion and self confidence aren't her. Sarah is the tough love type, and maybe that works for us. Sometimes I want someone in my live to offer a few kind words and a hug. Some reassurance I guess. Sarah is the type to tell you to through some dirt on it and push forward.

I also like Corrina confidence. Sarah is not a very confident person, and it seems like a lot of times I have to push her to do things. For example in the 8 years I have been with Sarah she has only worked for 2 of them. I'm not wanting someone to take care of me or anything but it is difficult to make things work on one salary and she has a huge school debt I cannot afford to pay. Her school payment is 1/3 of the money I take home every month and right now I am struggling to pay everything without paying that one. It would be nice if she pushed forward on her own and stepped up to the plate so to speak. I've talked to her about this and told how things are, she just doesn't seem to care about the finances. I wish she would find a passion or at least something she enjoys and does that. I don't expect her to make a million dollars, but to at least pay for the school loan she has. I think there a lot of job she could make at least $1,000 dollars a month. I find it bothersome she expects me to work and she gets to sit home all day playing video games. She does some stuff around the house but it doesn't feel like an even division of responsibilities. Sometimes I wish she would be confident in herself and take life by the horns and get what she wants.

Corrina also seemed kind hearted and compassionate. She has done a lot of video just trying to help people. A lot of them just have a simple message like eat more vegetable and don't listen to advertiser who want to sell you junk food. It seems like she has a genuine desire to help people. I find I do as well, and I admire that in another person. I mean to genuinely help people and not expect something in return. I have some family member that "help" you and then they use that to get something in return by using guilt. In my opinion that is not helping. Evey relationship should have it's give and takes, but using guilt shouldn't be part of the equation. I admire people that want to be a positive force in this world without expecting anything in return.

I've always been attracted to artist. I appreciate someone's ability to create something. Whether that be music, art, objects. I think that is what I found attractive about my wife when we first started dating. She was a graphic arts student and she seemed to genuinely enjoy it. I found a beauty about someone being able to pour thier heart and soul into something and have this thing that comes out which is a reflection of them. My wife has given up on art and that makes me sad. Sometimes I just wish she would have a passion.

Where do these desires come from? Is it a product of having something we feel is missing in our own lives that we wish to find in someone else? It is just human nature to want someone else and we desire whether we have someone we love or not? I can control my actions, but can someone control what they want?

Adam K
My heart is there, you love your wife and I admire you for not cheating on her. Do you do things together, hiking or listening to music together? My husband is having an affair with a younger woman (He is almost 65/she is 39) I do my best to contribute however I have bipolar, depression, panic disorder and paranoia. He used to be supportive of me but now he tells me to find a boyfriend and other cruel things. I only wished he was as considerate and reflective as I do love him and want to stay married. My Psy Doc tells me to take more drugs.Maybe your wife has a mental Health issue that needs to be addressed. The desires that you speak of are human. you should be with someone that shows the compassion that you show and the love that you give should be returned. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse if not worse. take care warm thoughts to you

I try to do things with her, but she doesn't like to go out or anything like that. We go out to eat someone once a week or so. We get along really well and we don't argue with each other. We have disagreements and sometimes we get annoyed, but it doesn't turn into screaming matches. Neither one of us has any control issues, I guess for the most part our relationship is out of control. What I mean is we both do what we want and it doesn't bother the other for the most part. There was an incident a few years ago were I caught her having phone sex with some guy she meet online. We resolved that and to my knowledge nothing like that has happened since.

I don't think she has any mental health issues. Maybe agoraphobia, I dunno. She does go to the store and to her friends house, but that's about it, unless we go somewhere together. Before we meet, she was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years with some guy. I think she has resolved that, but I notice she looks to me to make all the decisions about life stuff. Well anything that involves finances.

She loves me and I think the compassion thing stems from her growing up with 4 brothers. She is a bit of a tomboy and takes after her dad. Her philosophy with a lot of things to push on and don't let it get to you.

She returns affection to me when I kiss or hug her, but she isn't usually the one to initiate things. It makes me happy touch and hold her, but she gets annoyed with it. Not sexually, but to just touch and feel connected to someone, ya know? I feel somewhat rejected when she gets annoyed by it. I get frustrated. When I don't do those things she says our relationship is like two friends who sleep in the same bed. When I do it whenever I want, she get annoyed and says I am too clingy. Sometimes it feels like I can't make her happy, and it gives me a sense of rejection. Our relationship is more good than anything, and I care very deeply for her.

People who go to school taking out student loans should generally be expected to pay them off by themselves, without relying on their spouses, even if they are not naturally confident. You can talk about lack of confidence only in a person who is trying her best. If she loses ten interviews in a row because she keeps fidgeting during the interviews and speaks in incoherent sentences due to severe anxiety attacks, well, then you can blame lack of confidence. So far it has been just pure laziness. You need to call a spade a spade.

To be honest I can't remember the last time she went to an interview. She say she is looking but I doubt she is. A lot of me thinks it is just laziness to want me to pay everything while she doesn't have to worry about it. We've talked but she doesnt get it. I tell her she needs to work, and she replies Im looking. After a while I just gave up and quit talking about it. If we had kids or something I wouldnt mind if she stayed home. Taking kids is a lot of work. But to just sit home and play video games all days upsets me.

Yes, indeed, with chilcren at home it would be different. As is, laziness.

I agree with hampster-bamster. Honestly she needs to contribute. It's a marriage, which includes TWO people. I'm sorry that she isn't listening to your concerns. I don't think you're asking for too much of her. Have you tried couples counseling? I don't think you have mentioned if you are going or if you have in the past. Perhaps it will help to have a third party say it.

I don't think counseling would help. It's not a communication problem. She know what she needs to do. She got a degree that she couldn't get a job with. She started to work on something else. She started reading a book on what I used to do. Drafting, drawing building plans. I was also giving her lessons. We went and took some certification tests on it in December, but she failed. We were supposed to go back in January but we haven't yet. I'm not sure what to do. All I can do it voice my concerns and tell her what is going on financially, and what the consequences are if she doesn't pay her school loan. I can't force her to work or care about the bills for that matter. I'm not mad enough to want to leave her over it. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Adam, without leaving her, can you tell herr that in three months you will stop paying her loans? Does she understand what credit histiry is?

Im not paying her loans. When I bring it up it turns into an argument with the result her saying she knows she needs to pay them. I don't know how much she owes or what her payments should be. The last bill i saw was like 70k her loans. I don't have the money to pay them even if i wanted. After i pay all the bills there iant much left over, certainly not $1,000. She had the loans on deferement for a while, but i dont know what is going on now.

I know it affects both of us and I should know, but I don't.

Adam: yes, her arrears affect your credit, too. Being married causes severe consequences from that standpoint.

Adam: do I remember correctly that you wife weighs 250 pounds and has started to lose sexual attractiveness in your eyes?

Adam, have you tried asking one of her friends/family members to bring up the issue of not finding work? it may be a step too far in some people's eyes, but maybe coming from someone who hasn't spoke of it before might make her think about her current situation. but then again.... what do i know about relationships?

i also think that wanting or craving someone who is maybe close to/is our 'ideal' person is normal and a way for us to get or imagine having something that is missing or that we need in our lives. so no worries needed there.

see... i am an intelligent person(sorry my insecurity slipped out :-)

Hope this helps!

--Sam

Holy smokes adam_k!!! That's a heck of a lot hanging over both of your heads.

I may be a "goody two shoes" in here, but I seriously can't imagine this debt not concerning your wife at all. There must be a deeper issue keeping her away from the job market, rather than she'd rather simply sit on he butt all day eating bon-bons! Like some major anxiety?

I've been looking for a job for quite some time & there's barely anything out there. It seems that employers can pick the cream of the crop as it's a TIGHT job market! It's pretty dang depressing to see that I can't even get a low-paying job. My ex-hub says that I'm over-qualified for all of these simple jobs that I'm applying for and that scares prospective employers away from hiring me. But, since my brain surgery and TBI, I have much lower abilities than I had before. A real crappy situation!

Maybe your wife is struggling with similar thoughts? Disappointment in not achieving her goals and no real confidence or interest in continuing on the difficult quest of finding a new career path. It's certainly a possibility that you may want to explore with her.

Regarding your interest in the other woman, I think that it's pretty normal to spot the positive qualities of others that you've always appreciated. Kudos to you for not acting upon your interest! In general, it sounds like your wife is depressed and has lost a bit of herself that you always appreciated. You miss those positive characteristics now. Being married comes with sticking together through thick and thin. It sounds, to me, as though these issues need to be addressed.

Very best wishes to you both!

Yeah. There is that. I still think she is beautiful, but she isnt as sexy as when we first started dating. The weight can be lost though. We went on a diet recently and I lost 10my pounds and she lost 5. Sex was better when we were in better shape. Like a lot of other things in our releationship, it seams like I have to do most of the work. I think it would be nice to lay back and enjoy things for once. It's kind of a turn off for me when it is just me putting forth the effort.

I think it may be some social anxiety. I think more than anything it just isnt what she wants to do, work that is. She wants to stay home and raise children. Part of me think she is holding out finding work until she gets pregnant and would then have an excuse to stay home. Even if we do have kids, I dont think we could afford for only me to work. I have school loans as well that start at the end of this semester. If have a kid that is even more money every month.

My inlaws want to sell us thier house as well. Right now.we are renting it from them, but they are paying more $600 more a month then we are paying them in rent. They wanted to move to florida for a while since my father in law is retired. He wanted to be somewhere that is sunny. With all the debt I doubt a bank would loan us the money. I have good credit, but my wife doesn't.

I fear things are going to blow up soon, and the only thing I can say is she needs to contribute.

I had a house that was left to me when my uncle passed away. I cant live thier currently because my brother and wife dont get along. If things dont work out between me and sarah at least I have a place to go to. I just dont hope it gets to that point.

Even I weigh under 200 pounds. Being older than your wife,having had three children the last one weighing 9 lbs at birth so I was hugely pregnant with her. Having taken zyprexa, seroquel, and depakote that are notorious for weight gain. And I still weigh under 200 lbs. For a young woman who has not even given birth once it is completely unacceptable and unexcusable to weigh that much and sit on her tush all day long playing video games. If she weighs that much now, what will happen to her when she gets pregnant?

She needs to move her body. And get out of the house. If not paid work, then volunteering. And she needs to exercise. What she is doing with her time is completely unacceptable and she is courting disastr.

I fully agree. That much weight is unattractive and it causes a lot of health problems later. Im not a skinny guy, but you wouldnt look at me and say obese, maybe overweight, but she is obese. I dont have a good reason for it other than her lack of exercise and bad diet. I can only encourage her, i cant make her lose weight. I have enough on my plate as it is, I dont want to be her parent, telling her when to exercise, what to eat and to go out and do her part. She is an adult and has to make her own decisions.

Her dad used to get on her case a lot. It didnt seem to help. She just gets angry.

Agreed, she is an adult

What do you mean by bad diet though? She has nothing to do all day long. She can cook intricate and varied meals for you every night, from wholesome fresh ingredients and on a budget because from scratch. When I stayed home with my little daughters, before the advent of commercially produced greek yogurt, I had a yogurt maker purchased at a salvation army store and I made and strained my own greek yogurt. And had plenty of time for that despite needing to tend to two small children.

The secret? I do not play video games. So it is very simple ~ she should reduce her time spent playing video games and do something productive instead. And she is responsible for ensuring that the two of you eat a good diet.

What I meant by bad diet is we ate like crap for the last 5 years. I think even with a bad diet, exercise can offset that. I let her make the meals, and she cooks really good food, it just wasn't healthy. We started buying better food in the last couple months. I made it a point to eat more fruits and veggies and get away from all the processed food and soft drinks.

She is a really good cook, and she enjoys it. She original went to college for that, but dropped out when she got pregnant with her ex bf. She had a miscarriage and ended up staying with him after. She then went through a couple years of abuse and drug addiction. She hasn't used drugs since I known her though. She basically said he wouldn't let her work and made her stay home and not talk to any of her old friends. She started getting depressed and used pot as a means to cope. They were really poor and couldn't afford food half of the time. In some ways I don't think she ever got out of that mindset.

I don't know why. I've never abused her, and even raised my voice to her. I've always tried to encourage her to go out and do stuff, but it's like after she graduated and couldn't find a job, she started giving up on herself. She worked at a day care for 6 months but she got let go from that. She also was a nanny for my old coworker and she kept missing days and got fired.

I'm not sure what to do about any of it. I fight myself enough to get out of bed and put on a smile for work, that I feel overwhelmed just trying to function with my own life.

Unfortunately, if/when you have children, she won't be able to miss days of "work." This is part of the reason I want to get as mentally (and physically) healthy as I can before I have children. But something kind of struck me... Would she be interested in having an in-home daycare business? She'd get to stay home and take care of children, without having any of her own yet, but also be contributing to your financial situation.

I can't remember if you said anything about her being in therapy? It might be helpful to her; it sounds like she is possibly still depressed and still dealing with the aftermath of the abuse from her ex. Only now, instead of pot, she's using video games to cope. It could also be the reason why she's struggling to find any passion in her life or goals she wants to achieve.

I hope you two can get through this.

Shes not in therapy. I don't know if she ever went. She told me she was depressed a while and got some meds and felt better after she left her ex. She doesnt like to talk about it. She hates doctors as well.

She doesnt seem depressed. I don't think she is withdrawing. When she plays games it is online games and she talks to her friends all day. I think it is just laziness. She like playing games and surfing the web, so that is what she does all day. Maybe it is an addiction, I dunno.

I think she should just take a retail job. Being on her feet all day long might help her lose a little weight. She would not be glued to her monitor which would be good for her eyesight. And she can start repaying her loans. All in all, it would be an improvement.