Mother will not speak to me

So, my dad called me about ten minutes before my husband and kids were leaving for the recital. He said he would drive with them. I was so happy to hear that. Especially since my daughter would be over the moon that he would come and see her perform.
I knew my mom would not be with him, but I was relieved that he did the right thing for my daughter. They are not back yet but my son called me and told me everything went great and that he asked my dad why didn't his grandma come and he said she didn't want to.
Gosh, I guess she isn't making any excuses to me anymore. She doesn't care to.
I'm kind of angry again because I sort of feel she isn't worth my time of feeling so bad and wanting to make amends. I mean she doesn't care to fix things. Why do I have a broken heart from this and she doesn't? It really hurts. I know, it's always been tit for tat with her.
One time after I was newly married I was at work with my husband. I was doing paperwork for him and he was on a business call. My mom tried calling me but I didn't answer because I was in the same room with my husband and didn't want his call to be interfered with. I called her back a short while after and she didn't answer. I tried a few more times and she let it go to her answering machine. Thought that was odd, but I tried her again later on. I said oh hey mom, I tried you a bunch of times. She says, "we'll you should have answered for me when I called you." Ugh, I was sick to my stomach from her. I was angry and said coldly that I couldn't answer we were busy. She didn't like what I was saying and said she had to go and that was that. I hate that she is such a baby.
Even when I was finishing up my college degree I remember studying for finals and I didn't call her for maybe a day Ina half. She had the nerve to say when we spoke, I haven't heard from you, you know I would call my mother everyday when I was young. Just so that she knew I was ok. Maybe she did, but I can tell you there were many times when I was growing up she stopped talking to her mother for years at times because of arguments with her and her sisters. My mom doesn't speak to any of her sisters today. She has two that are still living. She doesn't expect this from my brother. Why me? My brother doesn't call her for weeks and its fine with her. But yet she treats him like he's a god and he can do no wrong. That only he knows about the law, or medicine, or any other thing she has an issue with at the time. God forbid I ever tell her what I think, even if its the same things my brother tells her. She doesn't listen to me when I talk at times either. Growing up I would speak fast because I knew no one listened to me. My brother always had the floor so to speak. God even as an adult having family dinners in my home with my children around the table it's always a story about my brother growing up or whatever, never telling my children about me as a child. Don't I sound jealous? I never mentioned it to her because I know that's what she would say. I'm just so sick and tired of all of it. Now it's just hurting more because of her being so difficult, still a big baby.

I am so sick today. I know I have to be more positive about what's going on but my mind is always going back to how she can be so mean. She never looks at what she does.
I should feel happy that my dad came for my daughter and she was happy. I have to be strong, I have to just carry on. I just don't think my mom deserves me feeling this way. I have intentions of trying, but now I'm just distraught again.

I know you said the above, but I really do think you need to see a therapist. You're clearly not coping very well, forgive me for saying, and remembering so many things that have happened. While this can be useful to put your emotions and guilt into perspective, I think you need someone to help you out with coping with everything that has happened to you. Surely your husband would like to see you a happier person and not begrudge you this? I would think that it is essential for you to go, and I would risk a big fight anyway. You should be concentrating on your health and your baby and not your mum, sorry.

Do you ever feel like there in never a dull moment, or rather when something bad or negative happens things just seem to get worse from there? Since my husband and mom had that argument over a month ago, everything seemed to have gotten worse in our lives. I mean I sort of feel guilty about complaining and feeling bad about things, because I know deep down it could be worse. I always try and cope with everything by saying it all really could be a lot worse then what it is. I'm kind of exhausted from it all.
Since my relationship is sour with my mom, I've had arguments with my husband, my health concerns have gotten worse, there have been financial issues that we are dealing with that became worse so naturally we are stressed to the max about it, our new car that we got stuck in last week is damaged beyond repair so that's a goner, my son has been giving me a really bad attitude lately and I don't know how to handle him without sounding like my mother, my medical bills are piling up, I can't deal with cleaning up our home because it takes me forever to do simple tasks so I'm sick of looking at the laundry piling up, dishes, dishwasher, vacuuming, dusting, ironing, you name it. I get help from my husband but he really has a lot on his mind and is constantly working even when he comes home. So I really don't want to push him too much. I ask my son for help and he does things but very reluctantly.
I just feel like the world is crumbling down, and everyday there is a new surprise for us. I know I should feel grateful because my children are healthy and that this new baby seems to be developing the way it should, but in my mind I feel sick.
I have been trying to let go of the anger and mental pain I have from my mother. I just can't help but think about the bad. It's driving me insane thinking about what I know is going through her mind right now because she is so stubborn. I can't believe that I have a mother like this. Whenninwas growing up my mother was so vain. I mean she showed it too. Luckily It didn't rub off on me, as it did with my brother, but even when my dad who owned a company for years and unfortunately lost it all when I was about 14, she wanted to make sure no one knew about it, family, friends, the neighbors.. She didn't want anyone to see that they lost a lot of money. My dad made sure to get a job right away, (my father never went a day without providing for us) and my mother never wanted to tell me about where he was working in fear that I would slip up and tell someone. My brother knew but I guess it was because he is older than me and could be trusted. It was almost like my mother was embarrassed by it. Good grief, I look back on everything now and I'm so proud of my father. He grew up poor, made something of his life took care of his family married took care of us, gave us a wonderful upbringing in a beautiful safe neighborhood and worked hard. When that time occurred for him I know he must have been depressed to lose it all. We eventually moved but it took a few years but it was a strain on him. How could my mom be so unsupportive? I mean I would want my children to know what a wonderful father they had and how we need to come together for him In times like that.
I know it was hard on her, and I know that she explained to me that things were not going to be the same and that she couldn't give me money for things and not to ask my dad. I actually never asked for money or for anything ever. I was never that type of kid. I remember always feeling guilty if I wanted something. Yeah sure I had things that a lot of my friends didn't have but I never showed it off. I would always keep things secret because I never wanted to hurt my friends feelings.
My brother on the other hand, always had to have the fancy cars, clothes, watches, you name it. Even as he got older, the fancy ties. I never cared about it. I guess sometimes I feel like I don't belong in my family. If I didn't look exactly like my dad I'm sure I would believe I was adopted, the way my brother always tried to convince me I was.
Mother's Day is this weekend. I will wrap the present for my mom that I ordered online and give it to my dad probably Friday with a card. I'm just going to sign our names in it and that's it. I really don't know what to say. I don't know if she will accept it, but I'm going to try. I don't know what else to do. I know it wouldn't be right to ignore the day. I just don't know what else to do. I don't tank I could go over there because I'm afraid of the way she will treat us, and actually I don't know if my husband would actually want to go. I would need him there because ultimately I know that this comes down to both of them making things right. If I just went she would say bad things and break apart my husband and probably tell me she neve wants to see him again. I can't cope with that right now.
I had a dream the other night where I just had the baby and everything was ok, I was fine and the baby was healthy and I was just looking at the baby when my mom walked in and hugged us and everything seemed wonderful for a few minutes then I woke up. I had such a good feeling for those few minutes in my dream, I felt like for the first time in months I could breathe fresh air, and I didn't have any pain. When I woke up it all hit me again.

You have a lot in your hands now, you cannot expect to make things works differently in one day.

You better re-prioritize: what are the most urgent things to be done?
Then think about yourself, your new baby and I am absolutely sure that your husband and you can teach your kids, however young they are, to do simple house chores. Any help will do, right?

Don't be afraid to ask for help even to people you don't know well: you explain the situation and you'll say that as soon as this difficult moment passes, you'll be more than glad to give back whatever they could give you.

As for the relationship with your Mum: seems like you are still in her loop, thinking the way she does and worrying about the things she worries about.
I guess it is time that YOU set the new rules of the relationship: you send out present with card but if you don't feel like going, you just don't do it and that's all.

Why not imagining that she is sick, which she is to some extent, and cancel all those thoughts of bad words and bad feelings. If your mother should act again in a way you don't like you can always pretend something to do, not being well or something and just leave her where she is, without any more reasons why and without strong words.

riotgirrl advice to seek help with a therapist is most sensible, because you need to revise all your behaviors toward your Mum and change them with new ones. Maybe it's too much to do all alone.

But we are always here

This is what I meant in a previous post about waiting to hear what you want to hear. You want your mum to come to you, arms open wide and to be all fab. You need to stop thinking this way, sorry, its beating yourself up and pointless. We cannot control what other people do, you cannot control your mum's actions, you can only control your own. It's probably one of the hardest things to grasp and I do feel for you. But I think you have little choice now, sorry to be blunt. If your mum comes back, fine, but do you really thing that the best way to live your life is to stop living and put everything on hold, just waiting for your mum to do something she may never do?

You really do need to get some help, get yourself off to the doc as soon as you can as I am concerned you're heading for a serious breakdown. Please get things back on track and concentrate on the little baby coming along. That little thing should be the most important thing on your mind right now and please stop letting your mum take its place. He/she will be a lot more vulnerable and need you a lot more than your mum - and should be a happy time too. Please do not let her behaviour spoil that also.

I just received a text from my brother, which is so odd because we hardly ever talk. He also hasnt spoken to me since the incident with my mom. He told me to call my mother, and to cut it out, and that I shouldn't be like him. Basically he acknowledges the fact that he sometimes cuts us all out of his life when he feels like it.
I didn't respond. My heart started racing as soon as I read it. I am calming down now and took my pills but I feel just awful. I mean she refused to attend two recitals for my daughter and I have to be the one? My brother was also invited and never came by the way.
Bonnie, you are right, I have to basically relearn how to communicate to have a relationship with my mom. I know she is sick to a degree. i always thought she needed help in that capacity so that she can have better thoughts about life and people.
The thing is I would like to go with my husband and make amends. I'm just scared of how she will receive us and if she will be nice and not get nasty like she has done in the past.
I sort of feel content now. I mean earlier I wanted to go and fix things right away, now weeks later its not that I don't care as much, it's just that I'm not in a rush like before.
I know I can't see a therapist right now, but I think that when I can, I will go. I think that this is something I need for me.
Today I was reading an email from my friend who is my only friend in my neighborhood and I became so critical of the things she was saying. I mean why am I so critical of people?
I realized this is my mothers behavior. She always looked for the bad in people. I had to take a step back and put my thoughts in a different perspective. I don't want to lose a friend.
But my mom always made it difficult for me if I was excited I met someone new or made a new friend. She always found fault in them. It was always negative. Oh good grief even when I was getting married she made it hard. Making fun of my husbands family or friends to me. Terrible. Like she is so much better than everyone else. She has a neighbor that at the time I was getting married she would talk to a lot. After my bridal shower she quickly ran over to the woman's house. I knew why and so did my husband. So she could gossip all about my husbands side and the gifts they gave. My mom and this neighbor do not speak anymore for whatever reason I don't know, my mom really can't get along with anyone. But it's ironic because my mom would say things to me like oh, all that woman likes to do is gossip all day long. I would never say anything like gee mom, you told her all of my business and now you don't talk to her. That woman knew way too much about me and my life. Pathetic.
So I know I need this time to become a better person for me. I know that I have to stop living my life for her, and I have to finally be a grown up. I just don't know why I can't have my mom supporting me the way she should.

Thanks for your responses. I agree that I won't let her spoil the good in my life. I will not allow her behavior to take over my life anymore. It's just hard that its my own mother and that I thought she could never do this to me. Maybe she was being fake with me and my husband for so long that she exploded. Every week her mood changed. One week she would say things like oh your husband is so wonderful, then the next she would be like your father and I don't like how he speaks to us. When I wouldn't respond she would say things like oh you became so weird ever since I mentioned that about your husband. I would sit there and calm myself down before I would leave so I wouldn't leave mad.
I'm just upset that she controlled me for so long. I'm learning from it, and I am doing better.

(((((Baker))))) I am here and sending lots of hugs, love and supportive energy. I do hope you will be able to speak with a good T soon, so you will really see what we all know, how wonderful and special you are

Thank you Rose. It means a lot.

I was just thinking about something. I know that people can't change. No matter how hard they try. But how (if I ever have a relationship with my mom again) will I be able to change my behavior towards her? I mean I understand I have to be different otherwise I am putting myself in a bad controlling situation again, but how? And if I can make these adjustments will it last, or will I end up exactly the way I was?
It may be too premature to think about, but my mind is always spinning.
I was also thinking about why on earth my brother would write me that text message. I mean every time my brother says or does something, i always have to think, what's in it for him? I realize that perhaps he is getting sick of my mom bothering him, since she doesn't have me to spend so much time with her anymore. My brother doesn't like to be bothered unless there is something that benefits him. So naturally he wants me to talk to her again so he is left alone.
I know I need to stop these bad thoughts but I'm only human I guess. I just need a fresh perspective.

This is a spot where a T would be helpful.

But if a T isn't possible, you can consider planning for yourself (perhaps with input and support from people here).

You are asking about how to change your behavior. You might want to learn a bit about behavior therapy. Here is a basic introduction:

About Behavior Therapy | Psych Central

Behavioral Therapy

It is possible to make adjustments that will last, but it takes time, patience, and persistence. Start with whatever seems easiest to change, reward yourself when you handle something well, take the time to see that the initial change(s) you are working on are pretty solidly in place, and go from there. Expect that there will be setbacks and don't beat yourself up over them or let them make you waver. Just carry on and try again.

You can do it! This part of life can be better for you and for your family.

There are a lot of choices, lots of different kind of responses, reactions, feelings.

Thru your mum you only learned one way of behaving, believe me: there is plenty. ANd that's what therapy could teach you. A fresh perspective and showing all the different choices you have

Thank you Bill. I appreciate the literature, and kind words. I found it interesting that new behavior can be taught. I am praying that I can start practicing on my own or until I am able to speak to someone. I'm going to spend some time tonight when everyone is sleeping reading about behavior changes.
I think this can be a good thing and it will be positive. I am just hoping that I can make it happen.

((((Baker))))

I had another argument with my husband this morning. It was over something so stupid and trivial, but of course things escalate and I guess we both say things we don't mean. I have been trying to be careful about that and not be so hostile and heated when we have difference of opinion. It was something about our insurance and it really was ridiculous but naturally I start getting upset that he should have done something, but I don't actually come out and say it, I just kind of allude to it, then he responds with something nasty, and then the blame game begins. He was acting like a baby. But of course know what happens next, he will shut down and then be a jerk to me.
So I sort of collect my thoughts while he goes off to work. I sent him a text that just said I was sorry about this morning. I realize that he too has a lot on his mind and sometimes I am insensitive. He responds about a half hour later saying that I am right he is a crappy person ( I never said that to him btw) because bad things always happen to him like just now our other car just broke down as he was driving to work. Ugh.... So I tried calling, he didn't answer but I left a message asking if he needed my help. Never heard back from him. I know he is fine because he made it to work, but I sometimes feel so alone. I mean when we were arguing this morning, he had the nerve to say, oh wow you must be fine now because of the way your arguing with me, and I guess you can breathe fine now because of the way your acting. He really doesn't understand. I sometimes get upset at the way I react to him. I usually just walk away or cry in my closet wishing I could respond better or say what I need to say without being a doormat.
I am trying to learn how to change my behavior, but I would really like him to change his as well. I wish there was a way of doing it together. But I know he would never entertain something like that.

I think you should take one day at a time.

You want to be, and possibly your mind already is, different, new. But your actions are still old.
One step at a time, one day at a time.

Remember, always remember that you want to do better and this in itself is a victory. You don't want to follow old patterns anymore. You want to create your life and live your life. Not everyone reaches this consciousness.

Hope this helps (it is free )
https://www.facebook.com/pages/HEART...31254593573556

Thank you Bonnie. What a great Facebook page. I am going to watch some of the videos now. I haven't read or spoken Italian in a long time since I don't have anyone that speaks it. Especially since my grandmothers have passed. It was nice to read a little bit.
Maybe I need a hobby. I mean not like I have any time for anything else but I would like to find some time even if its for a little while each week.
I took my mothers gift for Mother's Day to my dad today at work. I also showed him what my daughter made for her and he seemed real pleased. I also am sending flowers to her, so who knows what will happen. When I said to my dad, well hopefully she will like everything and maybe reach out, he didn't seem so positive about it. Guess he knows there's no way she will get over anything. It hurts. Actually a lot. Today was a bad day for me. It's been difficult to breathe and I found out my ribs are bruised as well. The pain has been excruciating but I've been trying to occupy myself with teaching my daughter how to read. I am so proud of her. She has been trying so hard. My son has been better with his attitude and has been helping, of course while listening to his incredibly loud music in his ear phones.
I feel like I've done the right thing for Mother's Day. I'm sure she will not agree or find fault in it someway. Probably thinking I should call her. I just don't want to. Well I guess that's not true, I would like to but im still in fear of what if. I just don't want to deal with it now.
I still feel guilty like I'm a monster for treating her this way. I really have to find a way to deal with this conflict and pain.

Oh you didn't say you were italian!! I'm Italian! That explains a lot! Omg!!! You might enjoy the Italian movie from a couple of years ago, La Pranza di Ferr'augusto - midsummers lunch - about a 50-something guy who takes care of his mom and a few other grannies. If you had Italian grannies, you will just bust. anyway, still here rooting for you

Baker007: Happy Mother's Day!

Thanks Bill. I really appreciate it.

((((Baker)))) how are you doing? How is your day going? You ok?

Thanks, I'm definitely going to check that movie out. I could use a good movie.
Yes, I come from a really old fashioned Italian family. I also married Italian. So as you can understand being so close with my family and having this break really has been painful.
I am still hoping for my mom to throw in the towel and make amends. I just don't see It happening since I'm sure she believes she is the mother and I should have respect and go to her.

Hi Rose. Thanks for asking. Actually I'm to doing so well today. I have been crying off and on all day and all night. This is the first Mother's Day I have had where I didn't talk or see my mom. I just feel like a terrible person. I know I gave the gifts to my dad to give to her and I sent her flowers but I didn't hear from her at all. I kind of didn't expect to but I just thought maybe she would surprise me
I spent the day keeping busy. We went for an early breakfast, and then went to see a movie. I haven't done that in a very long time. It was nice o get out but I was very uncomfortable. I actually was tying to keep it together for my kids. I knew my son wanted to be out and do things so I just sort of went along.
As we were driving I kept thinking how my mother must feel that I haven't called her. It made me feel like such a crappy person. I tried to get my husband to go over and see her today, I just asked if we could stop over. He said you could go, but I'm not. He said things will never be the same. Then of course I started to think about the resentment I have because he caused this argument. I had that feeling of wanting to take my kids and run away again.
My husband is so stubborn at times. I feel he has no compassion for me. I know things are not normal with my mom but I need to be the one to handle that.
I just have so much pain inside. I just ache. Maybe I need a good cry and some sleep. I just don't know what else to do.

I want to impress upon you how deeply I know first hand how much the pain, anguish, hurt can go. Sometimes it is so hard for me to respond because of my own pain surrounding the estrangement with my own mother and to tell the back story .... ugh. Too much. Hurt, pain, guilt. I am not Italian nor do I come from an Italian family but I am part of a peoples that put family ahead of most - if not all else. That is why it is so much more confusing and frustrating and crazy- making.

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I get it. I get the inner struggle and pain.

But I also know how incredibly vital it is to take care of ourselves. No matter what old tapes are running through our minds. We have to take care of our health and well being. We have to put ourselves first. For once. I know it is hard, but it is for survival.

Bunches of hugs to you. I KNOW you can get through this.

(By the way, dbt with a really good T helped me tremendously).

I am first generation italian-american. If the world hasn't ended and lightning hasn't struck for what I've done, trust me, you're safe. I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but you will if you give it time. Some days I sit in my therapist's office and just thank him for my freedom. But yeah - every sunday morning is still scary. I just pray she'll leave me alone, and once the clock moves past noon, I start to feel safer.

I think she scared the heck out of me somehow when I was really little, because I have always been afraid to cross her. I was an unusually good child, I think, but just out of fear. That's not real character, that's empty. There are little stories, little memories I have, where I find myself thinking, oh she's not gonna like that - and I wonder what the genesis of that feeling is, because it sounds like a voice from beyond!

P.s. one t told me it had nothing to do with being italian!!