[hondadohc27]

i dont even know where to start. my wife and i have been married for 10 years and get along great. my problem is that i happen to be in love with her sister as well. her sister and i have been talking and very good friends for the entire relationship with me and my wife. the last few years though it seems like me and my wife have grown into a groove. where as her sister and i have been getting closer over the last two years. it didnt really happen on purpose and neither of us want to hurt my wifes feelings.

i got to the point where i had to tell my wife what was going on but she just lauphed it off as a crush and at first i did too. but the longer it goes on the more i know these are not some passing feelings.

i am completely lost. i have no brothers or sisters and both my parents have passed away. i have noone to talk to about this subject and already feel better just getting to let it off my chest alittle. i just feel so screwed. i just dont know what to do.

[LMo]

oh noooooo....

That's a tough one to deal with -- I'm sorry that things have taken this turn. Are you seeing a therapist? This is one situation I don't think I could handle alone

Your confusion and frustration are evident. We're here for you

[hondadohc27]

im a 27 yr old auto mechanic who grew up on a farm in texas. everyone who knows me says im the hardest worker they ever met. i have had fingers smashed off and was back to work in days. my point is im a mans man and im being crippled by a problem i have never faced before in my life. i thought i could get over or though anything but now i cry myself to sleep every night.

i havent been albe to see a therapist or anything like that. i live in a very small town and would have to travel about an hour just to find one. i really apreteate any helpful advice or comments. i just want someone anyone to talk to at this point in my life about this.

thank everyone who comments.

[seeker1950]

Your wife sounds strong and well-centered to laugh such a thing off when you told her about this.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I think you already realize you will be setting yourself up for much more heartache if you pursue it. Think of the family reactions if you did so.
I don't know what to tell you, other than to suggest you try to forget it. I know, I know, this is not what you want to hear, but there really is no happy solution to your situation. So sorry.
Patty

do you keep a journal? like a diary? you might start writing down your feelings on a daily basis and that may help you........it's awfully hard to stuff feelings for so long and not have an outlet for them. it goes without saying that the journal should be where no one else would ever chance upon it.

there are tons of good people here who are ready to listen and talk to you. we have a forum for relationships also.

i'm so sorry that you're going through this. i don't see an answer for you. i wish you were able to find a therapist to talk to. continue to post here. the more you post, the more feedback you will get. pat

[Jenn1fer82]

Hondadohc27-

You've expressed lots of your thoughts but we haven’t heard about your intentions of what you would like to happen between you and your wife and this other person that you've grown closer to outside the marriage. What do you mean that you and your wife have "grown into a groove"? Would that be a bad thing or not?

If the situation is that you want to work out the marriage then I would suggest that you and your wife would need to find some intimate time in talking to one another and consider marriage consoling. Do you think that you and wife have been a couple of "married singles"? Do you think that this marriage will become a hopeless cause that divorce could be considered? With a 10 year marriage both of you should deserve to work out to the fullest to find out if this marriage could be preserve and after such effort then you and your wife could walk away from the marriage knowing that the best effort have been invested.

If the situation is that you want to divorce and develop an open relationship with the sister then you need to consider all that will come with such situation. First ask yourself why you have become emotionally and physically drawn to this person. Could you answer to yourself if this is love or lust? I heard an advice of are the differences between love and lust and maybe this could help. Love is something that you use your own body and mind to please another but lust is when you use the other person to please yourself. You must think about the ppl (ex-wife, in-laws, friends, relatives, kids) that will be involved once you openly pursue a relationship with this sister. Do you think the relationship between you and the sister are mature and strong enough to deal with such things? Would this situation be a healthy one in the long run, with the baggage that will obviously be brought along?

Think these questions over and let us know what came to your mind. Trust me when I say that I'm not here to judge your circumstances. I and all of us here are to help you and everyone else to make our circumstances as comfortable as possible.

[Wants2Fly]

This is a complicated situation. Others have raised good points, and I know you will find your way through this in time.

[hondadohc27]

jenn1fer82- you hit it on the head with that. those are all the things i been rolling over in my mind.

my wife and i get along get and we dont have any problems. we have been friends for so long. she was and still is my best friend ever. we have know each other since the 9th grade and have shaded so much togeather i cant imagine life without her. that is what scarys/worries me about my feelings for her sister. these feelings are the same way i felt and feel still for my wife. i know i could never hurt her in anyway without hurting myself at the same time.

as for her sister we dont have a physical relationship. i could never cheat on my wife. yet i enjoy talking and just being with her sister. we make each other happy as well. we have had my chances to have relations but i havent ever been albe to bring myself to do it.

[FaithisAlive]

Have you asked yourself what it is that you are fullfilling with the sister that you are not getting in the marriage?

Perhaps you are not having a physical affair but you are having an emotional one, which is depriving your wife of that part of yourself you are sharing with her sister.

Are there children involved? Either yours or the sisters? Maybe you should ask yourself what do you stand to lose and what do you stand to gain by choosing one sister over the other.

I sure hope you get this worked out so you can all be happy and so that nobody gets hurt.Good Luck! Faith

[wantslove]

what seems like genuine love is just lonliness really. some things ive picked up in your message:
-you are lonely because your family is not around anymore. you mentioned you had no one to talk to
-your wife laughed this off as a passing cr\ush when really you have what appears to you as genuine feelings. perhaps her laughing this off is symbol;ic to something much deeper-your lack of connection with your wife and to each other's feelings lately/.
-last but not least you feel like you have always been close to your sister in law and thats not reality ,
real relationships require sacrifice and real life drama,. this relationship with your sister in law is one of an illusion. you only see her on the good days. has she gone through what you and your wife have gone through these past 10 years-? maybe children? the death of your loved ones? the constant support and standing by ? that is real love. not companionship like your sister in law shows you, that is friendship. value what you have and seek to make this bond stringer with your wife by going to counseling together, sharing deep feelings, listening, and taking time for the little things.
you must also realize this secondary relationship is a facade and you must distance yourself from this woman.

[hondadohc27]

wants-love- i would agree with what your saying if it were anyone but me. i am not the kinda person who just all of a sudden likes/dislikes something. i have worked closly over the years with some very attractive women and even been good friends with some of them. but i never had feelings for them on any level. but with my wife's sister we just connected in a way i cant even put into words. it just doesnt feel like it could be fake.

my wife and i get along great we never fight or even argue about things. thats how close and alike that we are. we have one child togeather and i just cant have my son grow up without me involved in everything he does.

its the hardest thing in the world for me to express my emotions correctly. as i said i grew up on a farm in texas and communcation wasnt one of the things i learned. i am trying very hard now to understand what i have going on inside me. i cat figure it out. i love my wife so much, but then at the same time i keep having these feelings. i been dealing with this pain for 2 years.

[LMo]

is taking your wife and son and moving somewhere far from her sister possible?

I'm sad for you - you're expressing yourself really well, in my opinion. You seem like an extremely sincere guy. I hope this works out for you.

i see, from my view, that you're a very sensitive man and you've spent eons thinking this through. i live in Texas and i know how hard it is to find mental health facilities here. the waiting lists are very long and the system seems to be in a lot of trouble.

BUT, if you have a church anywhere near you, ministers do counseling and they are bound by confidentially ethics. please see if you can find one in a small town nearby and make an appointment to talk to someone.

one of the best counselors that i've ever had was an Episcopal priest. and it was a family matter, such as yours. he helped me get through a horrible time in my life. it was free and i could see him often. please consider this.

i really do feel your pain. and i know that sounds like a cliche, but i can tell that this is really involving your moral fiber and you are very conflicted about what to do.

a lot of good points have been brought up and i can't add to those. so, i'm just going to try to help you find someone IRL to talk to.

xoxoxo pat p.s. i live in a very small town also and everyone here knows everyone else's business.........try to find a minister at least 30/30 miles from you......it will be worth it...i promise. if you don't like the first one, try another one..........

[hondadohc27]

i really apprectiate all the posters who gave me advice. i am so sick of not knowing how to deal with this. my only option that i can see is to just stop talking or enteracting with her all togeather. i hate that i wont ever get to enjoy her company again but i really dont see any other way around this. i dont want to hurt my wife. and i aleady hurt enough everyday as it is so the pain i feel for losing my relationship with my sisterinlaw wont be anything new i guess.

again i would really like to thank everyone for being so kind and understanding in my time of need.

[seeker1950]

I just want to say you sound like a really nice fella! As you have said, you are a "man's man," yet really sensitive to others' feelings, and that is a rare commodity! Be proud of yourself in this respect. Since you don't want to hurt your wife and value your relationship with her, there really seems no other course of action than the one you have chosen. In the end, I hope you will feel pride in your choice and find complete happiness.
Patty

[AlteredState01]

This is indeed your only option, if you wish to preserve your family. Allowing an affair to happen is jeopardizing many, many lives here with extremely painful consequences - and deep, permanent ones, too.

One can't help think that your wife's sister must have similar feelings or is, at the very least, aware of your feeling towards her. So, on some level, she too, has involved herself with you on a way-too-deep an emotional level. She may not be as aware, but that's hard to believe considering how deeply you feel about her.

I just think you need to concentrate ALL your mind and heart and energy on your family, because if you are a "man's man," then you truly understand where your obligations lie.

Distancing yourself from your sister-in-law and getting your life refocused is truly the best thing to do. She should understand this, too.

Best wishes to you.

and pleaaaaaaaaase talk to someone IRL.......xoxoxpat

[tugofwar]

My dad had an affair a few years back. It tore my family apart. My grandma got so sick she almost died. My aunt wouldn't speak civilly to my dad for years. My mom almost had a nervous breakdown. My uncles and my siblings still have a hard time relating to him the way they used to before the affair. So do I.

It has only been in the past year that we've all begun to heal and forgive. Fortunately, my parents are back together, but I know that isn't always the case with affairs.

So much pain could have been avoided.

To echo the other posts, find someone to talk to. Get individual counseling. Get marriage counseling. Do what it takes to preserve your marriage. From what I've read, it sounds like you will.

Despite the pain (and I try to tell myself this all the time, but sometimes I don't listen), something good can come of this. You have the opportunity to make your marriage--and your family--stronger.

I wish you the best.

tugofwar

[hondadohc27]

well i broke it off with my sister in law. it wasnt easy for either of us. i hurt just looking at her. my head is on fire wiith emotions i havent ever dealt with in my whole life. i keep finding myself wishing for a new life. something anything i dont even know at this point. i cant think straight and feel even more helpless and useless. i just wish it would all go away go back to normal. i keep asking myself why this is happening to me. did i do something should i have done something else.

i am sorry for the rant i just really needed to get it out. i just feel so bad about everything at this point.

[AlteredState01]

Proud of you! You have saved yourself and many around you great heart-ache and pain by making this decision.

Although it hurts at the present time, you know that it will pass with a little time.

Wishing you and your family the best.

AS

[hondadohc27]

well it was christmas yesterday and everyone showed up. my sisiter in law came and we talked alot. i miss her mre than anything. she feels the same way as i do. she wants to keep talking and getting togeather. to make matters even worse my wife has been such a ***** about the holiday crap and of course about everyday things like having to go to work. i been thinking about it and just cant get leaving my wife off my mind. my sister in law didnt have anything to say when i told her i wanted to leave my wife. but its not so much to be with my sister in law it is just i am so tried of my wife *****ing so much. she always has a bad addtude. (i know what your thinking but it really doesnt have anything to do with her sister and me. it started long before that). i dont want to leave my wife for her sister but i would like to get a fresh start somewhere else. if thats with my sister in law or just by myself i dont really care anymore. i just want to pick up and get out of here. i ask my wife what she thought of moving on to a new place far away from here and she thought it was stupid. it just seems like as long as we are in this place i cant get a head i always feel like im in a hole that i can never get out of. is it wrong to want to go to sleep and not wake up. i am to a point where i dont know how much more i can take before i feel like i am losing my mind

i dont want to hurt my wife/son but i seem to be painted into a corner with this whole damn thing. i just want it to be over so i can move on with or without anyone

[bebop]

ok now I am confused. you said earlier that you and your wife got along great and there were no problems inside the marriage. now you say she *****es all the time? always has? maybe that is why you are looking to her sister after all then right? just remember the grass is not always greener on the other side

[gwen26]

hi,
i am real concerned for you. it sounds like you are blaming your wife on your reason for the need to escape. it's of course probably a contributor but really you may need to examine yourself. is the things your wife complains about, legimate concerns? have you really stopped and listen to her? remember in marriage it takes both in order for it to work. maybe you may need to seek outside help and include your wife. maybe marriage counseling? i know it is hard, but seeking outside affection right now; only makes things worse. trust me.
gwen

[Perna]

I don't know, reading your original post and some of your replies/clarifications I get that you're "dissatisfied" with your life. But it seems you're casting about (moving, divorcing, relationship with your sister-in-law, living alone, "starting over," etc.) outside yourself rather than getting a solid read on what is "really" wrong. I'd ask your wife to try a marriage counselor and make sure your marriage is beyond hope and I'd maybe even do a little individual counselling or looking at your own hopes/dreams/situation to see if you can't get a clear "goal" that will do one thing well (and the rest will follow) whether it is a career, marriage, location, or personal goal. You see to me to be trying to go in too many directions at once and thus spinning your wheels. Get off the ice by checking your heart for what you really want and going after that. It's your life and other people can't really make us happy/unhappy, they're "out there" and if you are okay within yourself your world should fall in place easier.