Irony of my life

When I was a teenager and thought about my life and relationships, I always dreamed to be one man woman and expected my man to be one woman man. My fried would say I'm expecting too much and I would say that I would be giving that.
Today when I look past, I can see irony. I had been physically close with two men, first one was engaged going to marry and second one is married (not happily married but doesn't want separation either). How did I end up like this?Could I've imagined myself to be here 12-14 years back?
And I feel too polluted to go in for nice person. Deep down I know I never started or chased for those relationships, they just came on me. I feel filthy.

How old are you? I've been with way more men than two and many were not due to love or meaningful relationship yet I don't feel filthy. Have you considered therapy?

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I'm in mid 30s. Recently identified myself as asexual. May be that is what makes me feel filthy with relationships that never had commitment.
I do dream of having a committed relationship but have no hopes to find one.

My life is filled with irony. Never say never, or I wonder. Always burned with those comments.

Just because someone comes into your life, it doesn't mean that you have to accept a relationship out of it. There is always the word NO & having values SET or even CAST in CONCRETE that you don't allow yourself to go there no matter how much the temptation is.

When we allow ourselves to get involved with a person who is married, we are the one that opens the door to getting hurt.....not them. It may take personal strength & determination to stand strong in not going in that direction but we are the only ones that can stop doing the things that we know are wrong......& there is nothing that stops us from starting that at any point in our life

You are not asking too much to want a one woman man. Keep strong and hold true to yourself you will find happiness.

I absolutely agree with you but situations aren't always same.
What if the man is a very good friend of yours? Will you be as strong to reject the person knowing that he is going through tough time or will you try to help them to the extent you can?

We do things we don't want to do for those whom we care about. It is always easier to say in retrospect that I wish I wouldn't have done so because at that point we see our efforts didn't do any good. But, when actually we are facing a situation we always say let us risk something if it gives some good output. And at many a times you want good things for those you really care about even at your own expense. And that is when boundaries can't be set on concrete.

I never do things for others that cross my boundaries no matter how good of a friend they are. If they are that good of a friend then they KNOW & RESPECT my boundaries. I have critical boundaries in my life that are cast in concrete & it works well & actually has earned more respect than any other way. Most of my friends were guys because I has an engineering career where it was mostly men I worked with & I had a bad marriage but refused to get emotionally involved with anyone outside my marriage & now that I'm free tho still not divorced my boundary not to ever get emotionally involved with a married man is cast in concrete..but I'm still friends..there is a line that is not even fuzzy that is never crossed....those are my values & they aren't negotiable.

In this case I can only say that your emotional quotient is much lower than mine. I do care for others at my own cost.
You are lucky to have hard heart and keep yourself distant from others problem.

It actually what is called wise mind. It's a combination of logical & emotional & determining what is the wise thing to do for oneself. DBT is good for teaching these skills...along with my relationship with God that sets my moral boundaries. I give myself fully to care for people who are in need...also animals like the stallions that were starve. Over tha last 2 months I have lived my life caring for them with the help of others sometimes.

Caring for people & being there for people doesn't equate to becoming emotionally involved on a sezual level when those boundaries are strong.

Maybe you picked men friends in those situations because you didn't want commitment in the first place?

I think I misread the original post. You've been with men who were married to others so you feel filthy. I thought you felt filthy just being with any men.

I don't think having high moral standards means having low emotional quotient. It just means having standards.

I really don't understand how you can say somebody has hard heart or are distant because they don't sleep with married men. That's a bit strange to me.

By your logic unless one has sex when married men they are not caring people. How does this make sense? As previous poster said caring for others does not equate getting involved with people intimately especially if they are committed to others

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To let you know I'm a virgin, I haven't have had sex with anyone till now and I never said I had sex. If moral standards are meant with having sex, then I think I'm very high on them. It wouldn't be easy for you to find a virgin in her 30s.

I never said sex is equivalent to care. That is interpreted by you. What I said when you care for someone, you wouldn't shun them or just move away. At least I do things to comfort them even if it is not something I myself aren't too comfortable with. I can't hurt someone more by showing them their wrong doing at a vulnerable stage they are at.

We both are on different page here. When you judge someone be ready that you are also being judged by your words.

You said you have been "physically close" with these married and engaged men. What kind of physical closeness are you referring to? If no sexual intimacy was involved then it's confusing what type of physical contact was it? There is no judgement here just sincere confusion. I can't picture what could that be?

Oh for sure comforting others in need is honorable thing. I agree. For sure. Not turning away from those in need.
I work with children with disabilities and volunteer in homeless shelter and several other things that require caring for those in need. I am just confused on "physical" portion of it.


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One can be sexually intimate & never have intercourse that would cause someone to no longer be a virgin....sexual intimacy does not imply only having intercourse, it's any action that creates a sexual excitement within our mind & body & those are the boundaries that I cast in concrete.

You said you were physically close to these engaged & married men & that you now feel filthy...so what is your definition of physical closeness that has made you feel that way.

Just holding someone's hand & sitting there talking to them could be physical closeness but would hardly make one feel filthy. Telling them that they are wrong at any stage & that is crossing your boundaries isn't going to hurt them in the least. They are only using you to make themselves feel better & care less about your feelings especially when you say it makes you feel filthy. That shows absolutely NO respect for you but if you don't say anything obviously they don't know how it's making you feel. You never have to give yourself in any way to anyone if it makes you feel bad about yourself. That isn't friendship in any way. True friends care about how they are really making the other person feel & a true friend would never want to do something that makes the other person feel filthy just to fulfill their own pleasure.

That's why we have boundaries that define the limits we are willing to go based on how going past those boundaries make us feel or the moral values we hold strongly to

I overall just don't understand why friendship must involved physical contact. What contact?

I am not married and my BF isn't interested in other women but I would have a problem if he sat there with ladies having physical contacts like holding hands and touching? Or like what? That would be just as bad as having sex. And I wouldn't care if that woman did it because she thought he needed comfort. I would be grossed out by the whole thing and it would be the end of it. Beyond red flag.

That's why I just do not get this whole physical closeness thing. If these men are commuted to others they are just cheaters. But then again maybe I misunderstand physical contact comment. What does it imply? What type of closeness?

I just have to add that there is nothing wrong in wanting to comfort others. You might choose a career that requires that or would you consider something like volunteer in places such hospice or shelter or hospital? You'll be comforting those in need and putting them first at the same time not jeopardizing your values.

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I've recently been professed love by someone that yes, I'm sort of close to due to years of knowing him. Last time I checked, 1) he's still legally married. 2) has another woman living with him.

He's as emotionally unavailable as it comes. Just because there's that closeness doesn't mean that I need to do anything more than I'm doing. Which is carrying on with my life. Pursuing other options, encouraging myself to look at what gravitates unavailable persons to me.

So, yes, I understand full well how these situations happen. Yet, my moral code says take my own personal space and I'll be fine.

Why do you think I feel filthy? Yes, I know they are cheaters and I know I became reason for it.
Regarding physical contact, wouldn't you hold hand of your friend to comfort them or hug them when they are depressed? That is what I did only to realize later that the way I perceived these contacts are different from what they wanted. That is when things stopped and even friendship ended. But, for me even this means too much. My sensors to know when a guy is hitting on me are very weak and so, it is usually very late when I realize it and if I'm lucky someone else would have warned me and I could take necessary steps.
My therapist says there is nothing wrong I did, the time I realized that their intentions weren't same as mine, I had expressed my concerns of it. For first one I even told the girl, she accepted him and they got married. I don't know if I did right thing by telling that girl, but I'm relieved that base of their marriage is truth, she accepted him knowing truth about him.

Why do you think someone would want their good close friends to cheat? Why do you think a woman will be happy to be instrument of someone else's cheating desire?
If your boyfriend cheats on you, it was his decision. He is aware of his relationship with you and whether he cheats or not depends on how much he respects you. The third person involved here might not be just aware of your boyfriends tactics.

I don't know why you feel filthy. I can only go by what you said that you do. I am just confused a bit. You first said you feel filthy doing it but now you say it's ok to do so. I am not sure what you mean

My BF isn't a cheater. I don't go for the type. I used a hypothetical example that even when not married such thing isn't acceptable. But especially if married. I said IF for example he was physically close with another female that would be cheating. It would be no matter if it was no sex. So if these men had physical closeness with you they were cheating on their wives.

No I don't think it would make a woman happy to be with married men.

No if a married men want to hold hands with me and hug me I wouldn't go for it. They have wives.

Now it's all in the past. We all make mistakes. I used to go for unavailable men too (not married just afraid of commitment). You could heal and move on and look for available men. There are many.

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Not sure why you feel filthy since you stopped everything including friendship & even told the girl & you didn't do anything more than hold hands & hug him as a friend. You are not responsible for his actions only yours & you did the right thing when you realized where he was coming from. Might have learned from these situations that comforting a married or engaged man with physical closeness only opens the door for things like this to happen. It would be good to remember this in the future & make your choices based on the wisdom you have gained from this. It's good that it wasn't anything more than that which the guy tried with you & that you kept your boundaries & made the fiancé aware. It's obviously her choice..will be interesting to see how long their marriage lasts before he's off looking for someone else to have an emotional closeness with outside his marriage this time.

I just feel filthy. Nothing is helping me from not feeling so. Yes, my mind tells me I shouldn't and so does the therapist. But, I just can't feel that inside me. I feel somewhere I'm responsible for these men to cheat whereas my mind tells me if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. I at least intentionally never gave them any hint that I'm interested, in fact I never thought about them in that way ever.
Probably because for me even this is too much too handle, I was on completely different track till I realised that I was moved to different one. It is all confusing.

That guy is having family that is what I know. I don't know how happy he is because I don't even want to know about him or his life. Makes me feel even more dirty, fact he is happily married and I'm one who is alone gets me to the thought I'm a sinner and he isn't. Rule of Karma proves that

I don't expect you to understand this. I feel how I feel though rational thinking says otherwise. When I don't understand, how can I expect others to understand.
I responded to your hypothetical example. I don't mean your boyfriend is a cheater.
I really don't know how a meaning of friend would change based on marital status. I treat everyone equally.
I wish this happens the way you say it

I am not sure what not to understand. Meaning of a friend would change with marital status in a sense that if for example if a man is married, holding hands with him or whatever other physical contacts might not be a good idea. If he is single then whatever you two are doing is fine. Usually married men want physical contact ( and often emotional contact) with other women not because they are looking for a friend.

You can't treat everybody equally and do whatever others want you to do. It only causes unhappiness. You end up being used. They move on. But you still think of them yeRs later and now feel guilty. Life is too short.

And honestly if you look for friendship start looking for females. Having girlfriends. If you want a relationship thought search for single men.

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Sounds like you want to hold on to your "filthy" feeling & guilt for something you didn't do to somehow punish yourself. If you are talking sin...look at what the bible says about it since that is where the definition comes from in the first place. You aren't the one that sinned in this case....own what is REAL. There are enough REAL sins we do we don't have to pile on imagined ones.

You can treat all people equal & still have different boundaries for each one. That is how we safely get through life & still have good relationships with others.

I'm not gender specific for friends. Just that being in engineering world you are surrounded by men. I had girl friends in school but once moved for my engineering education it was more of boys and that had continued. I had really good buddies, they aren't as close as before with all busy in their lives but still they were always buddies. I really don't understand need for sex and will not be able to understand why people just can't be friends.

Your words sound so good and calming. I'm unhappy and don't feel good about myself. It is my karma that is causing this, so I'm sinner. If other person was sinner, then he would have been one who would have been unhappy and would have felt bad about himself. But, he is having happy and prosperous life. So, God has given His verdict.

First off, it's NOT karma that's causing this.....you have the sinner part wrong also......it's the sinner that doesn't feel bad because they are too caught up in their sins to even realize that they are sinning & wouldn't admit it anyway so obviously they aren't going to feel bad. We are the one left feeling bad because we don't like that the relationship got screwed up by them thinking that there is nothing wrong with what they are doing.....they have rationalized their behavior....but it doesn't make it right. They go on with their happy rationalized life while we do feel bad that we can't go where they are going because of our values.....it's the one that's not sinning that usually gets the hurt feelings when we do hold to our values because we aren't going to get caught up in their sins.

I grew up in an mostly all boy neighborhood. I was as tom boy as you can get & all through school guys I found were better friends than the girls as I just didn't relate to them. I ended up in computer engineering & back in the late 1970's, it was an all guy field so I worked with all guys.

My values were always sex after marriage & ONLY with my husband. One of the engineering positions I had, one of the contractors actually asked me to have an affair with him. We were working friends....I was married at the time & so was he. I had my boundaries & let him know that wasn't going to happen. I didn't know his wife otherwise I'm sure I would have said something to her. He was totally clueless that there was anything wrong with what he was doing & went on his way, looking for someone else I'm sure. My marriage wasn't good & it definitely wasn't that I was happily married......but I was married & those ARE my valued to this day they haven't changed. Yep, I was unhappily still stuck in my bad marriage while he was off having fun with someone who would take him up on having an affair.

I held my values....I WAS NOT the sinner just because I was the unhappy one that was in a bad marriage.

Sin is about a wrong action that you don't feel good about. It has nothing to do with how you are left feeling because like I said, most times the sinner has no concept that his action/behavior is a sin while on the other hand, the person who understand's it's a sin & has to break off the relationship because of the sin is the one left feeling bad about the whole thing even though there is a good feel that we didn't fall for being brought into the sin also.....we should feel good that we were able to keep the boundary secure through temptation.

I have actually had several situations where I was the one holding my boundary secure while the person who was sinning went on happily in their ignorance that there was anything even wrong with what they did or continued to do.

You need to seriously rethink your definitions because they have nothing to do with reality.....as a matter of fact they are almost opposite of reality because like I said, it's the sinner that goes on totally oblivious to their sin so they have no bad feelings at all while the person who ends up holding onto their values & refuses to sin is usually the one that gets hurt & feels bad.