[Hbrownflooring92]

Good evening everyone, I've seen many topics such as this one but usually it is bombarded with harsh critics or those who feel that we live in a time that "anything should go". I figured I would give a little background on the situation and get some thoughts. To start things off, I began "talking" with this woman about a year and a half ago. We casually hung out, went to dinners, out for drinks ect and just genuinely enjoyed each other’s company (we were not being sexual). She came off as having similar Morales to mine. I enjoy having a good time but try not to cross certain "lines".

Fast forwarding after months to where things got more serious and we considered making it official and she decided to confide in me about her past. I would like to state that I did not feel entitled to it, nor did I really push the issue. Unfortunately, her past took me by surprise. She revealed to me that about 3.5 years prior, she had experienced a break up from a 3-year relationship and went through some depression in the form of not feeling good enough or wanted by others. She explained that being in college and drinking regularly she had made quite the mistakes over a years’ time period. (around 16 people).

It was difficult for me to hear because she had never discussed sex, made references and seemed to have a very clean sense of humor (she doesn’t use curse words and seems to really try and be the best overall person she can). I would like to point out that I think it spoke highly of her in my opinion to confide and be honest, as she didn't have to do that. I also tried to look back and realize that it was over 3 years ago and that she is genuinely sorry and felt guilty for it.

She's been very apologetic- to the point of crying on a couple occasions she discussed it (which she didn't have to be because it's her past, not mine) and has been patient with it bothering me. I'm no saint by any means, I have enjoyed drinking and partying and it has resulted in a few one-night stands, but not such an excessive number. I'm struggling on how to feel at this point. We've been hanging out for a year and a half now and she's been 100% fully loyal to me. She's an awesome woman and she is very genuine. We share the same Morales (except I struggle to accept that year of her life). We have grown up in the same town, so I know that she is telling the truth and I’m not just falling for the “typical story” and I’ve also seen firsthand that she hasn’t gone back down that road over the last 3+ years.

I am not trying to pass any judgement because we are all humans and we all experience a variety of emotions and chapters of life. Certainly, I can’t label her or brand her for life based on bad decisions at 21 years old. So how do you fight off the negative mindset that comes with thinking of that. After a year of dating we did start sexual relations and she was not experienced by any means, which put my mind a little more at ease (knowing she didn’t participate in foreplay and do this or that) with all of her partners. She’s rather shy and inexperienced, in fact she joked that it seemed that I was the one with more experience.

Sorry for the lengthy write up, just trying to get all the details out. I guess what I’m looking for is would you feel that poor choices from 3 years prior deserve to be forgiven and not reflected on? Or is that number to high to overlook. Once again, I’m really not trying to be close minded so for those that think I am, I apologize. We are all entitled to our own opinions.

To sum this up, I really am trying to be as open minded as possible. I think some of my struggle comes from the strict upbringing I have had. I have always viewed sex as special and in the form of becoming “one” with someone, not a recreational activity. Although I have confessed that I have made a few mistakes due to drinking. I would like to point out I don’t feel threatened or insecure by ANY means from any of her past partners.

It’s more of a feeling that I’m not “special” or that anyone could get it (yes that could be immature). I know that it came from drinking and the urge to feel “wanted’. I’m more hurt by thinking that she would be so free with her body. I know she wasn’t doing it for the desire of wanting sex. We discussed it openly and I told her sex feels good and that there’s no shame in it-

However she has confirmed over and over again that it was strictly out of depression and that at a certain point she told herself “no one would probably want her with how much she’s screwed up so she would feel good when someone would show her attention”. She still had records of telling certain ones the day after how sorry she was and full of regret she was. She claims that in the moment she felt wanted but then the next day she would lay in bed and cry out of regret and embarrassment. Obviously, that’s extremely unhealthy but I am glad to see that the last time it occurred was 3 years ago.

I want to help show unconditional love and prove to her that the past doesn’t define someone, but I am struggling with my own pride and if I would be judged my any of the guys around town. I guess I’m just looking to bounce ideas off others. I like her a lot and if it wasn’t for that 1 year time span, I would have not a single complaint. And I know that if I don’t get it under control, soon enough someone else will appreciate her for the woman she is today and take pride in having her.

Thank you all for taking the time to read this and provide input.

[Bill3]

It sounds like she is very much like you in that drinking was involved in sexual activity. In addition, she evidently had traumatic experiences that led her to drink.

Your “mistakes” due to drinking evidently do not the trouble you as much as hers do. She made more of them, you say, they are “excessive” to you, but then again she apparently had a lot more traumatic pain than you had.

From what you wrote, your concerns seem to be your “negative mindset” and the opinions of other guys around town. You want to be able to take pride in her but evidently right now you cannot.

How much does she know about your negative mindset? Which is more important to you: the perceived negative reactions of guys around town, or her daily presence in your life?

I can see two options if you cannot disregard those negative thoughts and just carry on with your relationship in a fully loving way. You can seek therapy to help you modify the thoughts that trouble you. Or let her go so she can find someone who loves her without mental reservations.

Please address this problem at once. If you cannot find a way to love her without mental reservations, then allow her the chance to find someone who can.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think your partner sounds wonderful. Honestly the way you describe her she comes across as being genuine, compassionate and loyal. A good catch if you ask me.

You need to 150% appreciate what you have. Right now. In the present.

Because if you don’t somebody else down the track my love her warts and all.

Move past your insecurities for the sake of your relationship.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like she is very much like you in that drinking was involved in sexual activity. In addition, she evidently had traumatic experiences that led her to drink.

Your “mistakes” due to drinking evidently do not the trouble you as much as hers do. She made more of them, you say, they are “excessive” to you, but then again she apparently had a lot more traumatic pain than you had.

From what you wrote, your concerns seem to be your “negative mindset” and the opinions of other guys around town. You want to be able to take pride in her but evidently right now you cannot.

How much does she know about your negative mindset? Which is more important to you: the perceived negative reactions of guys around town, or her daily presence in your life?

I can see two options if you cannot disregard those negative thoughts and just carry on with your relationship in a fully loving way. You can seek therapy to help you modify the thoughts that trouble you. Or let her go so she can find someone who loves her without mental reservations.

Please address this problem at once. If you cannot find a way to love her without mental reservations, then allow her the chance to find someone who can.

Thank you very much for your response. I agree with what you said that it is a "negative mindset" along with some issues with pride. I am not trying to put down or judge her for what took place in the past. I believe some of my struggles come from how strict of an upbringing I had along with how high of an importance I put on sex. Although, I have tried to convince myself that that I can't be hypocritical since I too have made a handful of regretful decisions while drinking in my college days.


She is aware that it bothered me and she has been very understanding and patient, trying to explain what led her to act that way a few years ago. I can tell she is ashamed of it and that her actions weren't out of "sexual" desire. I would like to point out that I in no way am trying to make her feel guilty for past mistakes. I have told her that it's her past and not mine and that she should be proud and walk confident that she has put that type of behavior behind her. (once again this is perspective, I'm not saying one person is right or wrong).

I think the root comes down to me trying to me trying to find acceptance and also working with my pride. For some people that number would be laughable and considered low, for others it would be considered high and come with a reputation. I agree with you that it's in her and I best interest for this to be resolved asap. She's an amazing / beautiful woman and I know that there's many men who would love to have a chance dating her.



Thanks again!

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I think your partner sounds wonderful. Honestly the way you describe her she comes across as being genuine, compassionate and loyal. A good catch if you ask me.

You need to 150% appreciate what you have. Right now. In the present.

Because if you don’t somebody else down the track my love her warts and all.

Move past your insecurities for the sake of your relationship.

I appreciate your response and kind words as well. I have been telling myseld the same and doing a lot of reading the last few days which seems to be helping. I don't believe I have a form of jealousy. Throughout all of my relationships I'm very trustworthy and laid back. Where my issue does come from is I hold sex to be extremely special and I also have the (dare I say immaturity) to want to walk in somewhere and no that others can't talk about their experiences with her. But on the opposite end I have to keep reminding myself that I have had quite a few sexual partners and that it would be hypocritcal for me to act this way. I think the difference in numbers is hard for me to accept though. She states how she isn't sexual (and from the last year and a half it seems she isn't, she's more into innocent fun), or how she was never looking for sex, however in my mind I feel like you can't make that many "mistakes" if that was the case. Once again, I know overall that's not my place to determine but that's where my mind is.

Thanks again for your response and help.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're struggling If you don't feel like you can love her 100%, or trust her completely, I'd say perhaps the best option is to just let her go. She deserves someone that loves her fully and that can accept her past, her condition and her personality just as it is. I'd suggest to really think about this decision and see if you want to share your future, and the rest of your life, with this woman.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Thank you for your input, I appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to chime in and offer assistance.

I do trust her 100% as I know 2 people she has dated over the years and she was 110% committed to them. It was that 8-9 month period of time (3 years ago) that she did what she did and it is just hard for me to accept. I try to remind myself that it was over 3 years ago and that people mature, grow, as they age. She's got a really good head on her shoulders and great morales currenty day, which is why I guess it makes it difficult for me to imagine what happened, happening.

One again I appreciate your input!

[astoldbyginger]

Originally Posted by Hbrownflooring92

Thank you for your input, I appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to chime in and offer assistance.

I do trust her 100% as I know 2 people she has dated over the years and she was 110% committed to them. It was that 8-9 month period of time (3 years ago) that she did what she did and it is just hard for me to accept. I try to remind myself that it was over 3 years ago and that people mature, grow, as they age. She's got a really good head on her shoulders and great morales currenty day, which is why I guess it makes it difficult for me to imagine what happened, happening.

One again I appreciate your input!

TBH I think if you're constantly going back and forth about it in your mind to the point where you want to write it out on an online forum, it is a sign that you're not at peace with it. My experience with this sort of thing is that it is like an orange/yellow flag (not quite red, but certainly not green. It's enough to make you slow down). You can stop or you can move on, but understand if you do, you'll be living for atleast the next couple of years, if not the rest of your lives together, with that decision.
You keep saying she shares your morales, but you might want to sit and really consider whether you're trying to convince yourself of this. For me, a person having more than fifteen sexual partners in the past does not matter and I am not even someone who engages in casual sex, I just don't hold it to such high regard or was not brought up to believe that it is a sacred act. But you might be different and that's okay. Your peace of mind is important in general and in your relationships. She sounds like a great person and also deserving of someone who can accept her wholeheartedly. Hope you can come to a decision which results in peace for you both in the long run.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by astoldbyginger

TBH I think if you're constantly going back and forth about it in your mind to the point where you want to write it out on an online forum, it is a sign that you're not at peace with it. My experience with this sort of thing is that it is like an orange/yellow flag (not quite red, but certainly not green. It's enough to make you slow down). You can stop or you can move on, but understand if you do, you'll be living for atleast the next couple of years, if not the rest of your lives together, with that decision.
You keep saying she shares your morales, but you might want to sit and really consider whether you're trying to convince yourself of this. For me, a person having more than fifteen sexual partners in the past does not matter and I am not even someone who engages in casual sex, I just don't hold it to such high regard or was not brought up to believe that it is a sacred act. But you might be different and that's okay. Your peace of mind is important in general and in your relationships. She sounds like a great person and also deserving of someone who can accept her wholeheartedly. Hope you can come to a decision which results in peace for you both in the long run.

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I agree that over this last week it has daunted on me quite a bit and I didn't want to discuss it with friends or family so they wouldn't view the situation in a negative way. I took to this forum as I saw alot of what appears to be genuine people chipping in. While the amount of people raised the flag to if we shared the same views, I am torn due to what caused it to take place.


As I mentioned, that past behavior happened 3+ years ago and and all occured over a 1 year time span. Since then, she has not gone back down that parth or returned to that behavior, in fact, she has constantly shown remorse. At my age (27) i"ve been around all types of people. People who are okay with casual sex, people who are against it ect. I can tell from the year and a half we've spent together and from the deep talks we've had that she is ashamed of it and that she does not condone it. She admits that at the time she knew that it was wrong and that she was ashamed of it. That she struggled feeling that she wasn't good enough for anyone or that no one would ever want her - and while drinking, when guys showed her attention, she "felt wanted". Then she said the rest of the evening (and sometimes day after) was spent moping around or laying in bed ashamed of herself. As I mentioned, we have had quite a few open talks as I wanted to really build her worth and make sure she now (3 years) later has the confidence she needs to not fight those thoughts.


I guess i was just thrown off because of how much we are alike and then to find out that occured. I know everyone shares different views and I'm not trying to come across as bashing or saying one person is right or wrong. Meeting her and seeing that she didn't use foul language, dress provactively, and having talks and sharing similar morales was all win win in my book. I also found comfort in how "inexperienced she was". I could tell that she had not been comfortable enough with those 'drunk regrets" to gain actual experience or experiment. I'm the type of person who finds comfort knowing I'm the first for certain things (and maybe that is a sign of immaturity on the topic).


Regardless of if I choose to move forward with her or not, I think this is an issue that needs addressas it has impacted my last 2 relationships too. In the past, I worked very hard to save myself for marriage (based on personal preference). While I stayed strong for many years, I did struggle for a few months 2 years ago and while drinking, worked my way up to 8 partners. I know the type of person I am and that I do not want casual sex, so I feel like how can I pass judgement or claim her to be a type of person?

Once again I really appreciate each one of your responses. You're taking the time out of your day to listen to me vent and to offer advice and I sincerely appreciate it.

[divine1966]

Who cares how many people somebody slept with before they met you? I really don’t understand the issue.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Who cares how many people somebody slept with before they met you? I really don’t understand the issue.

I wish I was able to brush it off as easily as you (and many others) as it would make my life much easier ha. It could be how I was raised, with harsh views towards waiting for marriage (although I too fell short of that). It very well may be the immaturity in my mind, but I personally would like to know I have someone who would not just go home with anyone or does not have the reputation of being "easy". She is a very attractive woman and I'm sure she has had many other opportunities that she did not engage in, so I'm not saying that either of those statements are true to her. Once again, this is all preference and I'm not saying that I'm the one who has the right mindset. I have friends who are in "open relationships" and others that are "swingers" and I don't cast judgement on them. However for me, I prefer to know that others aren't talking about their expereince with my partner. However as I've admitted, I now have a past and it would be wrong of me to expect someone to accept mine if I can't accept someone else's. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to accept it and move forward.

Thanks

[Bill3]

Perhsos you can not control these thoughts but you can learn to live with them.

Think of a large family or neighborhood party. No doubt there are people at the party that you would prefer not be there. Does that mean you should leave the party? Or should you ignore the unpleasant ones and enjoy the party anyways?

Perhaps you can accept these thoughts as annoying, time-limited vestiges if your childhood and move forward anyways, despite the thoughts, in your relationship with your girlfriend.

[astoldbyginger]

Originally Posted by Hbrownflooring92

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me on this. I agree that over this last week it has daunted on me quite a bit and I didn't want to discuss it with friends or family so they wouldn't view the situation in a negative way. I took to this forum as I saw alot of what appears to be genuine people chipping in. While the amount of people raised the flag to if we shared the same views, I am torn due to what caused it to take place.


As I mentioned, that past behavior happened 3+ years ago and and all occured over a 1 year time span. Since then, she has not gone back down that parth or returned to that behavior, in fact, she has constantly shown remorse. At my age (27) i"ve been around all types of people. People who are okay with casual sex, people who are against it ect. I can tell from the year and a half we've spent together and from the deep talks we've had that she is ashamed of it and that she does not condone it. She admits that at the time she knew that it was wrong and that she was ashamed of it. That she struggled feeling that she wasn't good enough for anyone or that no one would ever want her - and while drinking, when guys showed her attention, she "felt wanted". Then she said the rest of the evening (and sometimes day after) was spent moping around or laying in bed ashamed of herself. As I mentioned, we have had quite a few open talks as I wanted to really build her worth and make sure she now (3 years) later has the confidence she needs to not fight those thoughts.


I guess i was just thrown off because of how much we are alike and then to find out that occured. I know everyone shares different views and I'm not trying to come across as bashing or saying one person is right or wrong. Meeting her and seeing that she didn't use foul language, dress provactively, and having talks and sharing similar morales was all win win in my book. I also found comfort in how "inexperienced she was". I could tell that she had not been comfortable enough with those 'drunk regrets" to gain actual experience or experiment. I'm the type of person who finds comfort knowing I'm the first for certain things (and maybe that is a sign of immaturity on the topic).


Regardless of if I choose to move forward with her or not, I think this is an issue that needs addressas it has impacted my last 2 relationships too. In the past, I worked very hard to save myself for marriage (based on personal preference). While I stayed strong for many years, I did struggle for a few months 2 years ago and while drinking, worked my way up to 8 partners. I know the type of person I am and that I do not want casual sex, so I feel like how can I pass judgement or claim her to be a type of person?

Once again I really appreciate each one of your responses. You're taking the time out of your day to listen to me vent and to offer advice and I sincerely appreciate it.

Ok. It was 3 years ago. It was her reaction to a traumatic experience she had. They were mostly drunk encounters, she felt and still feels guilt and remorse about it. She even seems a bit inexperienced. She is a completely different person now.

I think you had a certain perception of who she was (she may have seemed a perfect fit for the woman you've always wanted) and you learned something about her that shattered your perception of who she is/was. It left you surprised and disappointed. You can relate to her because you have gone through a brief period yourself where you did something similar but you can't bare the thought of 16 other men being able to say they had those experiences with her. But I can assure you; (especially if this was 3 years ago, and this woman is dealing with and overcoming her past herself, and is a completely different person now, yet you struggle with coming to terms with this detail about her,) it is something you have to work on within yourself.

I think you are right about it being an insecurity/ immaturity thing or plain and simply, this might just not be the right person for you. There are men who have married pornstars, ex strippers, women with all kinds of pasts who could care less about what others say or their wife's reputation. Also, a woman who has gone through something traumatic and deals with memories of her past, would better fit with a man who can reassure her that her past does not matter. You need to seriously answer if you're that kind of person. If you want to be for her, then just give yourself some time, and let maturity come with age and experience. I am just worried for you that any little thing will happen sometime in the future, for example if you guys meet up with someone she had a fling with and then you wind up feeling uncomfortable and questioning her (to yourself) again... or eventually years down the line you come to realize you guys are not right for each other. However, if this is something you really want to get to the root of and overcome (as you say it has affected to of your past relationships) focus on yourself. Also wisdom comes from learning from the experiences of others. If you don't come upon a man who may be with a woman with a past, who can speak from first person experience, you can always read some books, scour the internet for some life stories, something should make you see that someone having a brief wild moment in their early 20s really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or in the full expanse of a lifetime, if that person has truly changed.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by astoldbyginger

Ok. It was 3 years ago. It was her reaction to a traumatic experience she had. They were mostly drunk encounters, she felt and still feels guilt and remorse about it. She even seems a bit inexperienced. She is a completely different person now.

I think you had a certain perception of who she was (she may have seemed a perfect fit for the woman you've always wanted) and you learned something about her that shattered your perception of who she is/was. It left you surprised and disappointed. You can relate to her because you have gone through a brief period yourself where you did something similar but you can't bare the thought of 16 other men being able to say they had those experiences with her. But I can assure you; (especially if this was 3 years ago, and this woman is dealing with and overcoming her past herself, and is a completely different person now, yet you struggle with coming to terms with this detail about her,) it is something you have to work on within yourself.

I think you are right about it being an insecurity/ immaturity thing or plain and simply, this might just not be the right person for you. There are men who have married pornstars, ex strippers, women with all kinds of pasts who could care less about what others say or their wife's reputation. Also, a woman who has gone through something traumatic and deals with memories of her past, would better fit with a man who can reassure her that her past does not matter. You need to seriously answer if you're that kind of person. If you want to be for her, then just give yourself some time, and let maturity come with age and experience. I am just worried for you that any little thing will happen sometime in the future, for example if you guys meet up with someone she had a fling with and then you wind up feeling uncomfortable and questioning her (to yourself) again... or eventually years down the line you come to realize you guys are not right for each other. However, if this is something you really want to get to the root of and overcome (as you say it has affected to of your past relationships) focus on yourself. Also wisdom comes from learning from the experiences of others. If you don't come upon a man who may be with a woman with a past, who can speak from first person experience, you can always read some books, scour the internet for some life stories, something should make you see that someone having a brief wild moment in their early 20s really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, or in the full expanse of a lifetime, if that person has truly changed.

Thank you once again! I believe being able to confide on here and hear each of your thoughts / perspective helps me think about the situation more rationally. It's a lot nicer to hear mature perspective (rather than immature bashing, name calling, ect that I have read from others with similar stories posted) I agree fully with what you have written and I have spent the last few days really trying to come to terms with it. I acknowledge that it's not MY past to deal with and because of that I don't continuously bring it up. I make sure not to, simply because I don't want her to feel any more guilt or reflect on it any more than she already has over the past few years. It's unfortunate that once something is done, there's no undoing it. That's life however. As touched on prior, pride seems to get in my way to an extent. We live in a fairly small town where I know majority of the people in my age bracket, which means I know a few of them from a few years ago and the thought of them with her hurts / frustrating. I'm sure from my repsonses so far, that it's clear I also am one of the more "close-minded" types when it comes to sex. I see it as very valuable and I want to know that what her and I share is special and meaningful. Not that it's something just anyone can have. But as you mentioned, in the grand scheme of things I know that it really is miniscule. I suppose time is what will make things better. I would like to be there for her and show her that decisions of a few years ago don't define her.

Thanks again!

[IceCreamKid]

Your story doesn't make much sense to me. You seem to be talking about a woman who has done something sexual with other people--and now she gives you sex, but now that you've had sex with her, you're unhappy with her giving away sex? That's confusing to me.

Maybe the best thing would be to not have sex with someone unless you resolve in your own mind where your receiving sex fits in with other people receiving sex. I hope that makes sense.

[Hbrownflooring92]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You story doesn't make much sense to me. You seem to be talking about a woman has done something sexual with other people--and now she gives you sex, but now that you've had sex with her, you're unhappy with her giving away sex? That's confusing to me.

Maybe the best thing would be to not have sex with someone unless you resolve in your own mind where your receiving sex fits in with other people receiving sex. I hope that makes sense.

Haha when you put it that way I can see the confusion as well. We abstained for nearly a year while getting to know eachother. I am not against sex, however my preference is that it should be shared with someone you truly care for. Not just given to anyone freely.. (once again this is a matter of personal opinion). She grew up in church and with parents instilling similar beliefs in her. It was that 8-9 month period of time (3 years ago) when she was 21 that all of these situations took place. From her lifestyle now and the way talks about the past (and future) it seems she beleives the same way as I do. I suppose I just struggle with letting the past be the past. My reasoning for presenting the situation was thinking maybe someone else has struggled with a similar situation or mindset and could recommend what they did to move past it.

[Rose76]

This kind of thread comes up on a regular basis. (Always it's a male upset over his girlfriend's past. Never the reverse.) I wish all young women could be advised that they are foolish to divulge prior sexual experience to a man they are becoming serious with. Doing so serves no good purpose. I guess, if you live in a small town and you're apt to run into previous sex partners, it might be wise for the guy to be forewarned. The couple might want to avoid unnecessary social interaction with those men.

Men and women are different in what sex means to them. During war, when an invading army rolls into town, the local women get raped left and right. All armies do that. (Read about the behavior of American marines who took Okinawa Island during WW2. They "took" more than territory. Lots of mixed race babies left behind as proof . . . and generally not from consensual assignations. Look at the female suicide rate wherever an invading army has planted their banner.) Men are capable of wanting sex with women they disdain, or even hate. It's not all that unusual for a man to want sex with a woman he plans to murder right afterward. You just don't hear of scenarios where a female murderer planed to kill a guy, but thought, "Let me have sex with him first." Women have trouble telling the difference between sex and love. Men don't. Loneliness makes some women promiscuous, especially when they are young and unattached. They may simply want the comfort of being held. I could make the argument, Hbrown, that your 2 or 3 one-night stands were more morally problematic than your girlfriend's 16 loose encounters. Your moral compass allowed you to have casual sex, if you had some alcohol and were sufficiently horney. She was battling severe feelings of being unwanted - one of the worst emotional states a human can endure. Women typically don't even derive much sexual satisfaction from loveless bedroom encounters. Many men, by contrast, find great sport in the same activity.

I think your girlfriend is wrong to apologise for her past experiences. I don't think she hurt anyone. She also didn't help herself, which is why she abandoned that activity. This is not something she should seek your forgiveness for, IMHO. I think she was foolish to have even told you. She may have feared you hearing something in your travels round town.

With how sexually active young people are these days - from, like, age 15 - it must be getting more and more rare for couples to not run the risk of socially bumping into past sexual partners. I'm not sure if we've evolved an etiquette for handling that. But, somehow, relationships are managing to survive that problem. I think yours can too. There are a lot of tough problems that come up in life. You'll have your share, no matter who you partner with. In 40 years, you may wish that this had been your biggest challenge.

Your gf and you both have faults . . . real ones that have nothing to do with previous sexual experience. You will find that love means tolerating a great deal of frustration. In my relationship, I find we have lots to forgive each other for on a daily basis, without even needing to look back on the past. You are asking how you can "accept" this past set of experiences that your gf had. I don't think you need to "accept" it. I'm not even sure what "accept" means. I don't think this is an offense you need to forgive either. She hasn't wronged you. If you ever have to be in proximity to some guy who had a sexual encounter with her, that will be uncomfortable. But where did you ever get the notion that there's some way you can arrange your life where you won't have very uncomfortable things to endure? You're at the age where a man does one of two things, IMHO. He falls in love with an person who he sees as imperfect, or having an imperfect past, and decides to make a life together with this person. Or he decides to hold off and look for someone who is a "better fit." This is why - IMO - single guys over the age of 30 are kind of emotionally stunted. By that age, they've had relationships, but - always - there was a problem . . . . . and there always will be. They become incapable of being satisfied. They keep holding out for something better.

I agree with what is said above that, if you are going to look down on this girl for what she told you, then move on.

[IceCreamKid]

So if I understand you correctly, you as well as the many others who post similar stories wanted what could be described as a magical virgin--the hot sexxy woman who only gives it up to (whoever is writing the story.) But, if that relationship goes kaput, then the woman is either now tainted (to the next person who comes along wanting sex with the hot woman but also wanting her to be virginal--or she becomes a woman who has had sex (in the past, with someone else).

I'm not sure which church you are talking about; I guess I don't know any churches that condone sex outside of marriage; and if that is the case, what difference does it make if the person has had sex with 1 or 2 or 20?

I think nowadays most people expect women to put out for various reasons but mostly revolving around pleasing the partner who wants the sex, and the sooner that she puts out the better, but which brings us back to the problem above. It's an untenable situation for women.

[divine1966]

If you want a virgin you should date a virgin, oh wait a minute you aren’t a virgin either! She apologized to you for having sex before she even knew you? What’s all this about? I think your preoccupation wuth how often someone had sex before they met you needs to be addressed in therapy or with your doctor. It does not sound healthy

[Hbrownflooring92]

@Rose76 - Thank you very much for your insight - It was well written and I found it helpful. I agree with you that she should not apologize to me for her past and that she owes me no explanation for it. I've told her this as well, which is what led me to venting on here rather than to her.

@IceCreamKid - Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to the thread as well. I am not expecting a virgin. As I mentioned prior, I too have made some questionable decisions in my younger years and it would be hypocritical of me to point out someone else's mistakes while I have made some of the same. I would like to state that I also don't believe a woman is tainted from having sex and I wasn't by any means trying to imply that.


While some may say what's the difference from having sex with 1, or 2, or 20 people, - the higher the number of partners makes me question how they view the importance of sex (at least in my opinion). If she only had a few prior partners I would not be here asking for advice getting over the past. I know but someone sleeping with 15, 20, or 30 people is more on the excessive side for me. That doesn't mean I want to throw in the towel and be done, it also doesn't mean I am judging her. It's just a hard pill for ME to swallow I am just struggling with thoughts of her having that many sexual partners.

[divine1966]

She was lonely, depressed and drinking heavily. I think it’s a clear explanation why she engaged in excessive number of sexual encounters. I doubt it has anything to do with how she sees sex in itself.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Hbrownflooring92

@Rose76 - Thank you very much for your insight - It was well written and I found it helpful. I agree with you that she should not apologize to me for her past and that she owes me no explanation for it. I've told her this as well, which is what led me to venting on here rather than to her.

@IceCreamKid - Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to the thread as well. I am not expecting a virgin. As I mentioned prior, I too have made some questionable decisions in my younger years and it would be hypocritical of me to point out someone else's mistakes while I have made some of the same. I would like to state that I also don't believe a woman is tainted from having sex and I wasn't by any means trying to imply that.


While some may say what's the difference from having sex with 1, or 2, or 20 people, - the higher the number of partners makes me question how they view the importance of sex (at least in my opinion). If she only had a few prior partners I would not be here asking for advice getting over the past. I know but someone sleeping with 15, 20, or 30 people is more on the excessive side for me. That doesn't mean I want to throw in the towel and be done, it also doesn't mean I am judging her. It's just a hard pill for ME to swallow I am just struggling with thoughts of her having that many sexual partners.

But your comments about how important sex is to you: the quantity, the quality, the circumstances, the partner, the number of previous partners --should all be discussed with the person with whom you're having sex. I believe if people disclosed fully what it was they found truly important, there would be far fewer broken relationships and sexual hookups masquerading as relationships. Furthermore, men might find that women are interested in a lot of things besides orgasm. Maybe that is the lesson to take away here.

[divine1966]

It’s hard to tell what number of partners is excessive. For example if you say 20 is too many but what about 19 or 21? How does one determine what’s the appropriate number? If someone was marred their entire life and had only one or two partners entire life does it make them better person or do they value sex more than people who never married and had several relationships and more partners. Where do you draw the line?

[s4ndm4n2006]

ok your feelings are not only a legitimate concern, they are ones that are not really uncommon for a lot of people, and possibly not exclusively but typically males feel this way more often about their female partner's past. I say this because I've not only seen this type of concern posted here on this forum many many times but in my younger years I have to admit that I have been here and thought the same way with more than one of my partners back then. So if anything comes out very strongly please know that I do know how this feels and how one's mind can generate such questions.

First of all she is apologetic but I have to point out, from a very objective perspective that she really has nothing, nothing to apologize to you for. Feeling remorse or regret for her past is one thing but she is not accountable to you for anything that happened prior to you even having known each other. I know deep inside you realize this but I feel that it is something that I recommend you relay to her. That she does NOT need to be forgiven by you as she has not done anything that should offend you.

Also keep in the forefront of your mind the fact that numbers don't matter, past doesn't matter for if it did you'd need to feel just as guilty for the things you did irresponsibly in your past too. It is not something that one can hold against another but not be responsible for in their own life. Again I know these things are thoughts you probably know and struggle with anyway but I'm just trying to reinforce that line of thinking.

What you should do is focus on where she is now. How far she (and you) have come from the immature ways of the past and look at who you are now. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and some have more than others but that doesn't matter because it should be in the past before you were involved.

I know all of this may make sense to you logically but your heart still feels the same and I get it. right now, in the moment logic and rationale has to be king. The part that is making you struggle the most is that part you mentioned about feeling "special"... and I get it. you have no idea how much I understand this intimately, as I have been there but I think key here is expressing this part whether just to yourself or to her, I don't know. But you have to resolve the issue that if she is able to have sex with so many how can you stand out? Trust me, if she didn't find you special and important now, or take seriously the intimacy that you will or have shared, then she would still be out there getting drunk and having many partners right? Why would one, clearly attractive enough and desireable to have multiple partners previously choose ONE? Because two things. one, she has moved on from that irresponsible past and is finished with it, and two because she actually found you and has made the decision to be with YOU. To the point of risking your trust and devotion by telling you of a past she is ashamed of... that, alone, my friend should speak volumes as to why you can safely trust her now. One that does not want to change or live the straight and narrow does not reveal their divergence from the path, no they go out of their way to hide it.

I hope this helps.

[Rose76]

That's what I call a really good post (above.)