Was my ex abusive?

I dated my ex for around 8 months. We’ve been broken up for a couple years but he still crosses my mind. I do miss him on occasion. But I grew to resent him towards the end.

He got mad at me once in the beginning of our relationship because my roommate had her male friend spend the night at our apartment. He told me he better not be sleeping in my room or else he’d snap his neck. Later on when I confronted him about this, he said he trusts me, he just doesn’t trust other guys because “how could they not fall in love with me?” A few months later, he went to dinner with a girl that stayed in his apartment over a vacation because she had nowhere else to go. Told me I was overreacting to it. That it was just a “thank you” for letting her stay with him.

Before we ever even had sex, (I don’t recall why I was okay with this happening, must’ve been drunk), I got out of the shower and laid on the bed, naked. He then turned on the flashlight on his phone to my genitals and told me (in a joking manner) everything that was “normal” about it and everything that wasn’t.. also told me I should grow my pubic hair out (which I did). He laughed at me once because I had forgotten to shave and had a little bit of hair on my armpits.

I get nervous during sex sometimes and once I had a hard time getting into it and he got so frustrated and upset thinking I wasn’t attracted to him that we actually got in a fight about it when that wasn’t the case at all.

Another time was during the summer, I hadn’t seen him in a couple days and was hanging out with friends I had not seen in months. I invited him to hang out and he called me screaming about how I could’ve come out with him instead of with my friends. The call kept dropping and he just got angrier and angrier until he told me he had punched a hole in the wall and his knuckles were bleeding/phone was broken. He had covered the hole up with a painting the next time I came over. It took him 3 months to finally fill it, but he waited until I was in the room to watch him patch it up,

We ended up breaking up that day, his reasons were he didn’t see us together in 50 years, that I didn’t have a plan for my life and was a little “lost”.
This breakup has affected me deeply. I feel like I can’t love anyone properly because I’m too quiet and don’t open up. It was all so confusing because I loved him. He was handsome and charming and smart, everyone liked him. I’ve spent so long trying to figure it out. I haven’t had a boyfriend since and I’m so lonely. But I also don’t really want one because of how much stress he gave me.

I think you dodged a bullet with that relationship ending. No doubt you are wondering if it was abusive. He doesn't sound very respectful and certainly there's some red flag behaviors.

So sorry you experienced all of that. As difficult as it is to not let that affect your ability to grow and move forward, it's so important. Tougher when still figuring out your ownself.

He sounds like bad news. I sure think you can do better

[QUOTE=marvelousness;6414395]

Yes Marvelousness, he was emotionally abusive toward you. I am sorry that happened to you and it was not your fault. I understand that it was painful for a relationship to end. I also think that any relationship with that individual would have ultimately brought more misery into your life.

Abusers are often charming and very loving in the beginning. They are also adept at switching the abuse on and off depending on who's around. It is often at its worst and most apparent when they are alone with their intimate partner.

Did you ever try talking with a therapist? I think that could really help you to work through the feelings and find ways to move forward. I am going to attach a couple of links which may be useful to you. The second one is much shorter if that helps you.

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

Dear Abby: Warning Signs of an Abuser

I think the best advice I could give you now is to focus on yourself. What do you need for you? For your body, mind, and spirit? Happiness always begins with the Self. It sounds like you may have low self-esteem...that can lead a person to be unwittingly drawn to harmful partners who enjoy belittling and controlling others. Ever heard of Inner Child theory? Might be worth a look for you.

How about your father? What was he like? How did he treat your mother? Just some ideas for you to think over.

Wishing you peace and hope for a bright future

As for the loneliness...

go to YouTube
search for 'guided meditations on loneliness'
so many wonderful choices...choose one which soothes you. It honestly really helps you.

ever tried volunteering? It can help you to safely connect with others and feel less lonely. Sometimes we think that the only path to reducing loneliness is finding an intimate partner. But there are lots of other ways we can connect with people and feel better.

Support group in your area? Is it possible you may be dealing with some depression?

Double-standard.

Fragile ego, explosiveness.

Indeed you dodged a bullet when he broke up with you.

Had you stayed with him, he could have eventually punched YOU.

So to make sure I got it right - something happened and he punched a hole in the wall. He waited for three months and then invited you over to watch how he patched it up with paint and then broke up with you. And he told you that he did not see the two of you together in 50 years and that you did not have a plan for your life and that you were a little lost. But if all of that had been true in his mind, he could have patched the hole in his wall solo, without making you a force spectator - you realize that, right? So he likes drama - it is a very dramatic event to invite your girlfriend to watch and then break up with her, deriding her all the way.

Now imagine that you had broken up with him. Imagine yourself telling him that he does not have a plan for himself, that you do not see the two of you together in 50 years, that he has an explosive temperament, is inconsiderate and disrespectful with strong abusive tendencies, and you do not see him as having a positive impact on your life. And you walk away. Picture it, say it in your mind, and witness how "lost" his face looks when he hears that. How does it feel imagining yourself being in control as opposed to being on the receiving end of his decision to break up with you?

He doesn't sound like good relationship material at all, marvelousness I agree with the others that you'v dodged a bullet by breaking up with him. I'm so sorry you've had do deal with him. I understand you feeling confused, but just knowthat you will get over it. Just take your time. Try to take care of yourself. You deserve much better than him. Please don't give up. I hope one day you'll be able to find someone that truly loves you for what you are. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you

The minute he began probing my vagina and how I landscaped would have been the last time I ever saw him.

Volatile, explosive, physically violent, emotionally and verbally abusive.. these all describe him. The only positives have nothing to do with who he is inside and how he treated you. you definitely dodged a bullet. Don’t confuse what may have felt like love and real love. That is not loving behavior on his end.

This shed a lot of light on it. I have spent so long confused. At the beginning I was absolutely convinced the whole breakup was my fault. That if I only opened up when he told me too, If I only trusted him enough to be emotionally vulnerable that things would be different. I beat myself up for long over it. But I knew there must have been a reason I felt so much resentment. He told me he didn’t want to marry the first woman he fell for, like his father did, and have it not work out. I tried to give him reasonable ultimatums and try to make the relationship work but he just kept coming to up with more excuses to why were weren’t right for each other, most of them being I didn’t do this or that. He wanted me to send him a nude because we had not seen each other in a couple months and I told him I wasn’t quite comfortable doing that. His exact words were “other guys girlfriends send them nudes. I’d think we’d be far enough in our relationship for that to be acceptable”. Not when it’s something I’m uncomfortable with? yeah. But somehow I loved him so much that it still affects me and I’m still trying to move on from it. He’s had 2 girlfriends since and I haven’t had anyone. I know I need to just get myself out there and let it go. I’ll try my best to.

So sorry Mavelousness. The love you felt for him was real of course. You are going through grief now over the loss...as well as recovering from abuse. That's painful and difficult and still can be done. By making you feel everything was your fault...he was 'gaslighting' you. You can read about that online.

You mentioned that he has since had 2 gfs and you haven't met anyone else. Abusers often have difficulty with secure and lasting relationships therefore it's actually not a good sign that he keeps having new relationships. A man like him will not treat any woman well without ownership of his actions and professional intervention.

I think it's a good thing that you are taking time for yourself though I understand your loneliness. Any close friends or kind family members in your life? Honestly, and I say this with care and kindness, I don't think you're in a good place right now to be starting a relationship with a new intimate partner. Not to say you won't be in the future but right now I think you need to focus on self-love. How's you inner self-talk? Are you open to talking with a psychologist?

These are not minor issues that you're working through. Experiencing and recovering from abuse is trauma. I know because I've lived through it myself. Time and professional support can be really valuable. I didn't understand half of what my ex did or why until I had therapy.

Always remember that you deserve peace, unconditional love, and respect both from yourself and others

Yes he was definitely bad news. Learn from this bad experience and don’t pick another one like him. If you find a nice guy and you find that you feel really uncomfortable with this nice guy... sit with those uncomfortable feelings and figure them out and give the nice guy a chance.

Before you met this guy, what was going on in your life? What were previous relationships like? What makes this person the end all and be all to your existance? Why was he placed on such a pedastal that you were blinded to the idea that it's ok to let people go from our lives that cannot treat us with the utmost respect? Why isn't he a "Boy, Bye!" in your eyes?

If he was a "good" abuser and by that I mean knowing how to abuse then he would have convinced her to put him on a pedastal, and be her be all and end all. I dont get the impression that the OP was blind. I think she was controlled.

My concern however, at this point is the process by which the OP moves on from this. Sounds like there's a certain desperation in needing his approval in terms if only she gave in to this or that command. My question about what life was like before him, is relevant in my eyes. What place was she in before he chewed her up and spit her out?

We usually accept unacceptable when we are in a vulnerable/desperate state for number of reasons. So it’s impirtant to address that vulnerable state that it doesn’t happen again

I am also somewhat concerned that relatively short dating experience of 8 months became such a big thing in retrospect that even years later OP keeps thinking about him and isn’t dating anyone else. There is maybe something wrong wuth me but I don’t have much recollection of dating experiences that didn’t even last a year.

I am 22 years old and the only other relationship I’ve been in was a high school relationship that lasted around 6 months. Looking back at it now, I see all the flaws in both him and me as to why it was best that we broke up. It was all such a whirlwind of emotions that I had never felt for someone before (granted I don’t have much experience). To me, he almost seemed too good to be true until he wasn’t anymore, my best friend had to tell me that she sensed something off with him because she’d been in an abusive relationship before and didn’t like the way he treated me or my friends (including her). I need to move on, I totally know that. I’m just trying to make sense of it because for so long, I was convinced that I was the at fault for the downfall of our relationship. I don’t think of myself as a very important person and have always felt lesser than others. What I need to do is figure out who I am and what I am passionate about before ever trying to have a committed and real relationship with anyone. It’s just the fact that he made me feel like he was in love with everything about me in the beginning. I could do no wrong in his eyes. he made me feel so important to him. But then there was a voice in the back of my head that said “he knows nothing and it’s only a matter of time before he finds out how boring you are”. I know it starts with me, I just need to get on with finding out who I am and actually loving/knowing myself.

It's so easy to second guess oneself when things go so very wrong. On one hand it is important to look at ones vulnerabilities, on the other it's important to look at how the other person was behaving and treating you. It does, indeed, take two to tango.
Someone mentioned earlier in this thread to not look at how quickly your ex moved on or how many new relatiinships he has had since as proof that he's ok and you are not but as he's not only moved on not once but twice and the lack of stability there is in question.
Someone else mentioned that sometimes there's a vulnerability about ourselves that is most likely lacking self awareness when victims find themselves in a relationship that is abusive. That was what was in the back of my own mind in asking what was going on in life leading up to this relationship. Part of the recovery process that dv survivors do indeed look at is what was going on upon arrival into this relationship. It's not saying that the victim was looking for the abuse, it's that it's a piece of the puzzle. One of my own points was that I was recently in the beginning stages of grieving the loss of a loved one when I met my exh. There were other things but it's part of the recovery.

You'll get through this. I like that you are going to focus on your passions.

You are so young! I didn’t realize that. You already have a good insight into things. It’s avtually very normal not even date at your age and just be busy improving your own life. Keep working on yourself and your own life and then right people will come to your life!

I think you're awful hard on yourself Marvelousness. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You are not "less than" anyone else. Feeling "less than" is not the same as being less than. It can really help to explore feelings and thoughts...to be sure we aren't accepting negative thoughts about ourselves which are not true. I hope I don't sound preachy....I only want to support you. I may have already said it could help you to think about the type of person your father is/was...his relationship with you and with your mother. He was your role model for a man when you were growing up. There could always be exceptions but research indicates that women tend to partner with someone who is similar to their father...it's not an obvious or conscious choice but psychologists have noted that pattern.

You have already developed a lot of insight as a 22 year old. I'm in my late 30s and still figuring these things out!

Thank you for sharing your truth here on PC. I believe that's an important part of healing.

Look - something in you selected quite a Marvelous username - you cannot be that boring, can you?

And you did perceive warning signs in the relationship with the abusive man - you just distrusted yourself and did not respond to the clues, but you did perceive them, did feel resentment, which is all very good news. You just need to learn to listen to your gut feeling and, as you say, learn about yourself and your likes and dislikes, starting on a very basic and mundane level (food? clothes?), moving to literature and arts, and only then, people.

I love my father dearly and I think he is a wonderful man. He has always treated my mother with love and respect. So I have always looked up to him and he always tried his best to make sure I knew how a man should act towards a woman. So in the beginning, as I said, my ex seemed too perfect. Too good to be true. My ex fooled both of my parents as well when they met him. They both loved him (of course up until I told them a few red flags after the breakup). He was a perfect gentleman on the first meet but then my father had an event that he was working and my ex slipped away as soon as it was over, not even staying to say hello to either of my parents because he “had to work in the morning”. This pissed me off. I’m convinced it was to avoid talking to my father. He told me previously that my parents made him nervous, that he didn’t understand or know how to relate to them (they’re both artists).

I am sorry your ex behaved that way. I'm also glad that you have wonderful parents!!! Brighter days ahead hopefully for you on the dating side of things

Some people are actually good at pretending. Con artists pretty much. Eventually truth would come out, that’s why it’s important that people don’t move in and marry until they knew the person for awhile. It’s easier to break up when you discover the truth than to move out or let alone divorce. Glad you got out on time