I have trust issues and don't know how to resolve them

I fear I am ruining my marriage.

My husband has given me no reason to not trust him. I have been cheated on multiple times and lied to outrageously in the past. Therefore, I have trust issues.

Women find him attractive and have tried to hit on him, and I get jealous, possessive and angry over it.

It's like my emotions take over and I cannot control myself or how I feel.

I don't know how to get over my past. I don't know how to trust, even though we've been together a long time now and even though I know he loves me very much.

He tells me each time there's an issue over another woman, that he loses a part of himself. I am often living with the fear that he will lie to me and cheat on me, just as the others have.

I don't know how to get a handle on this.

How do you learn to trust someone FULLY when you've been cheated on and lied to in the past? Multiple times by multiple people?

I have not spoken with my therapist yet about this and am in fact, going to try and switch therapists.

I typed out a whole response and it didn’t post, argh.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable for someone who has been cheated on. Therapy should help. Maybe DBT can help because it gets you to think about what to do if the worst should happen and that helps with the anxiety.

I believe there are cheaters and non cheaters. It’s that simple. The non cheaters won’t cheat. It sounds like your husband is a non cheater and I hope therapy will help you learn to feel secure and trust him.

Ugh, I hate it when that happens! Sorry that happened to your post, and thank you for your reply!

He is a non-cheater, or at least he tells me that. But I've been told that same exact thing before too, and then had that same person cheat on me.

What didn't help matters with my husband is he told me months ago that he prefers dark haired women. I am not dark haired in my opinion. I have light brown hair with fake blonde highlights. I color it so it looks blonder, but my roots are darker. I always felt that I'm not my husband's preferred type, and that instilled a deep insecurity within me for MONTHS, that made me envious and insecure around any other darker haired woman.

He claims that he views me as a dark haired woman. We've talked it out, but that's what mainly propelled my insecurity over the last year with him. It really did not help my trust issues when he told me this.

But when we first got together, he had told me I am the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He says I take his breath away. I try to hold onto that knowledge, to reassure myself.

But in the back of my head, I'm always worried about him being MORE attracted to someone who has darker hair than I do. Wish he had never told me that.

This is partially what has fueled my mistrust, on top of already having trust issues.

Honestly Hope, this is a common concern with a lot of women, not just you.

What is HIS history? Even if a person is divorced or broken up from another person that person may have never cheated on their ex. Also, just because a guy is a flirt sometimes, it doesn't mean they are a cheater.

It's understandable that you worry though given that you have experienced having someone cheat on you in the past. It's important to keep in mind that it doesn't mean you are not good enough or attractive enough, often it's all about the cheaters ethics and ego.

That being said, just because other women have been forward and flirty with him doesn't mean he would actually be interested. Most men tend to not be attracted to forward flirty women, instead they tend to be more attracted to a woman they feel unsure about that isn't up in their face so much. You don't just roll over for him either, you have boundaries and men tend to be more attracted to that in a woman. There is a lot more involved in his attraction to you than your haircolor, believe me.

What pisses me off the most about all this? Is that those f'n liars and cheaters, this was their doing, and now I have an issue with trust that I cannot seem to resolve, as a result of their bad behavior and actions. So here I am, dealing with it, suffering because of it, and years later still..... it's just not fair. It's not right. They skate away, unscathed, and I have bruises, cuts and burns that I cannot seem to heal from. And my husband suffers now too, because I have a problem.

Thanks, @Open Eyes!

He was married for a long time before me. He's been a serial monogamist, for the most part, in his relationship history.

He's told me he doesn't cheat, but then it turns out he DID kiss a woman and almost slept with that woman while he was having major issues with his ex wife.

SO, he wasn't upfront initially with me about that. He told me he NEVER cheated on his ex wife, but in reality, kissing someone else WHILE STILL MARRIED IS CHEATING. So he didn't tell me the truth. This is also partially why I don't fully trust him.

He also wasn't upfront about his ex wife still calling and speaking with his parents 1-2 times per year. He never told me this. I found this out months after we married.

He hasn't been fully upfront with me with several things, which doesn't help my trust level with him. He seems to let important details slip and then the full truth comes out much later. I've told him this does not help me with my trust in him.

Well, I certainly know how that can be difficult as my husband has done that with me too where he has left things out and you are correct in that the truth does eventually come out. That being said, unfortunately a lot of people do that where they omit certain things and we sure see a lot of that taking place in the political world right now. And it doesn't even matter which political party either, both practice this type of behavior. It's very human to hold back things we are not proud of doing in our lives or simply in our effort to keep our privacy.

Well, it concerns me that he's done this. I suppose though, in response to your comment, there's things I haven't told my husband about simply because I don't feel he needs to know.

BUT, since he wants me to fully trust him and given my own trust issues in general, I've told him he cannot hold back any important details that I may need to know. He hasn't done this in a while (or as far as I am aware), but I still struggle with trust.

I am trying to switch therapists, so I really don't have one to speak with about it.

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment. Hopefully you can talk to a t about it (same or new).

I’d not worry about hair color. That’s just superficial feature plus women change hair color and length all the time.

I’d also not worry about him not telling you that his ex calls his parents. It’s not like she calls him or he has any kind of control over who his ex calls. I really don’t think it’s something to disclose as it’s just of no importance. My brother keeps in touch with my ex husband. And I keep in touch with my ex in laws. Even if I didn’t want my brother to talk to my ex for some weird reason, I’d not have any control over it plus I just don’t see how it’s important to my current marriage. Now if your husband and his ex secretly talked to each other a lot and they had no kids, I’d not like that. But what other family members do, who cares.

As about kissing other women it’s a bit bothersome but then again he shared that with you (he didn’t have to), so perhaps it was just a mistake. Was he drinking? Was his marriage already ending? Does he feel bad about it?

Is there something else in your marriage that you sense is going wrong so you subconsciously worry about him cheating rather than about other real things that might bother you? If everything else is going well why would you worry about him cheating? If there are other real concerns, are you addressing them with him? Or is this the only concern?

Thanks @divine1966!

I really hope I can switch therapists and SOON.

He shared this with me (about kissing someone while he was married) only when I asked him more specifics. He and his ex had been having trouble for years, and during the last two years of their marriage, they did not have sex and slept in separate bedrooms. It was during that time that he kissed and almost slept with another woman. I don't fault him for his behavior, I just wanted him to be truthful with me, yet he had said he never cheated on his ex MULTIPLE times to me before finally revealing to me that he had kissed someone. His reasoning to me about not mentioning it the multiple times I asked is that he had forgotten about it or had blocked it from his mind. That's what he claims.

There's no other real issues bugging me right now other than my own trust issues. We've had a good marriage, but like any other, it has its ups and downs.

He might not consider it cheating to be honest. So I think maybe he doesn’t consider it being dishonest that he didn’t share it.

My t said, and I agree with her, that even though spouses should be honest with each other, there is no need to be an open book about every little thing. Everyone deserves privacy especially about their past.

Unless it’s something very relevant to today’s life like criminal history/incarceration or illness/disorder or something contagious or substance abuse addiction, I feel there might be no need to disclose. When people meet later in life it’s only understandable they had all kind of relationship experiences, some of which they might not be proud of and wish they didn’t do.

Not all of it needs to be known and revealed especially if it makes no difference today. I’d focus on how he behaves now. How transparent he is and how he lives his life and his he treats you. If something bothers you in his behavior now, address it but don’t dwell on whatever happened years ago before he met you or whatever third parties do.

This is just my take on it.

Yeah...I hear you.

Well, as I had mentioned above or before, he hasn't fully been honest with me at all times. Or rather, he hasn't fully disclosed some important details, and only later do I find out the full truth.

Once, I lent him my credit card to buy himself a birthday gift. I had previously asked him to never just use my card without asking me first. Well, he bought himself a $150 gift, which I thought was the extent of the charge. The next night, without asking me to use my card again, he charged another $150. He didn't tell me about it either; I had to find out by seeing the charge come through by email, so I got angry.

This is just an example of where he has done something that has injured my trust in him.

In the beginning while we dated he told me he never cheated on his ex wife. Then it turns out he did cheat. Maybe it wasn't "cheating" in his mind, but it was cheating and he should have known that it was.

I trust him for the most part, but these little incidents have chipped away at my trust, and on top of having a trust issue myself already, trust is an issue between us.

I would be upset about my credit card being used like that too Hope. That's disrespectful and it's extremely understandable that you would get upset about it.

Yes, that, and the fact that he wasn't upfront and didn't tell me that he had used it again. That chips away at my trust.

Oh no. Situation with credit card is bad. I’d consider it the same as stealing unless charging extra was discussed or it was an emergency and you were immediately informed. This one is not your trust issue. That’s an issue of “who he is a person” issue. Like who thinks it’s ok to do stuff like that?

I see now that you probably feel “if he lies about this, what else he lies about”

Yes, that's it exactly @divine1966. IF he can hide that from me, what ELSE would he hide from me? Is exactly my thought process. It wasn't an emergency and it wasn't discussed. He simply used it again without asking. Very presumptuous on his part. He paid me back in full, of course, but that wasn't the issue. The issue is honesty and trust. And when I found out, he said he had been afraid to tell me he used it again.

But yes, this on top of keeping other important information from me has been chipping away at my trust with him.

That did happen several months ago, and we've had conversations about trust. I've told him that omitting important details do not allow me to fully trust him, and that it diminishes my trust in him. We've talked it all out, but still I worry..... anxiety is one of my biggest issues. Going back to my original post, my fears and anxieties get the best of me, and I don't know how to manage that when it comes to fully trusting my husband. I know he loves me, he shows me everyday that he does. Somehow, I have to believe in it more. But these little incidents of omission & lack of disclosure are all in the back of my mind, and I cannot get rid of the feeling that he may lie to me and cheat on me one day.

You just have to keep reminding him that when he is not being honest, you have hard time trusting. So it’s not like you just have trust issue, it’s more like you have reasons to not trust him as he isn’t always telling the truth. He needs to remember that he has an obligation to be honest if he wants you to trust him

Have you had the important conversations with him about both of your expectations?

When I got married we didn’t have these discussions. I hadn’t fessed up to all my prior sex experiences and neither did he. I am sorry I ever told him nearly everything after all this time, tbh. I only told him because we were struggling and I was comparing. Big mistake.

We were separated. I don’t know what he did. I don’t want to know.

I do feel confident that he doesn’t cheat. I have no reason to suspect. He’s always with me by his choice.

As for finances, we didn’t talk about that either. It was just trust gradually developed. I didn’t spend any more than he would have approved. He made all the money. He may have done things I don’t know about. I don’t really want to know. There’s nothing that was a glaring issue that I know about.

If you are married how does that work with your credit cards and his? Do you keep your money separate? He put purchases on yours but he paid you back. Is that a problem?

I guess these things need to be discussed if they are giving you anxiety.

Exactly. Thanks Divine.

We’ve talked about finances and the important things. We’re still learning how to be together in some ways I suppose and work out our issues.

We’re fighting right now actually. Almost broke up over this issue tonight. Still do t know if we’re breaking up.

He says I’m obsessed with this issue and that the constant questioning is pushing him away. I don’t know how to get a grip.

Time to slow things down Hope instead of allowing things to escalate where it turns into a yelling match.

Take a step back and give each other space. Then reconnect after you both cooled off.

Tisha asked about keeping separate money. I think it’s fairly common for people in second marriages/older couples/couples not raising kids to keep separate accounts. We keep our accounts separate but we contribute equally to expenses, just paying different bills which ends up roughly equal amount give and take. We have roughly same incomes. So we see no need to combine accounts. It would make no difference. But we also see no need to use each other cards. We have our own cards. Unless maybe one person’s card got stolen?

However if one needs to use other persons card, they need to tell what they charged. I’d think it’s fraudulent use or identity theft if I saw suspicious charge and my husband didn’t tell me.

I did think it’s fraud. We do keep separate finances.