Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Divine is right. Bringing up divorce is unhealthy. Sadly, I did this too countless times. I even actually did divorce him, but he pleaded with me not to, and I felt like I shouldn’t, so I called it off just before it finalized! (I’m in hell!). He never threatened leaving at any time. But, he never changed to meet my needs. So, the war rages on. Our issues did start around one year in, but I didn’t get emotional over them until around year 6.

You are only at year 1, and your issues started even before marrying. Also, you both are talking about divorce. I’m sure that I am still married because my husband does not want to be divorced. If he did, we’d be.

I see you have a lot of mixed emotions, and understandably so. There’s no need to do anything right now during pandemic.

My concerns now are about my own mental health and my situation with him. I’m seeing a psy who gave me serious meds and they don’t help with this situation. My question is: Am I MI and that’s why I can’t handle the issues in the marriage?, Am I not MI and just ‘made’ to act that way due to the frustration from the issues in the marriage? I need a good evaluation from ‘the best’ to give me peace of mind. Because if it’s me who’s the problem, I’ll eat crow and try to just be kind and keep the marriage.

I bring this up because I’d hate to see anyone else get driven to this point. I wonder if I had gotten out after a few years (with two kids), how my life would have gone. I certainly never thought I was MI until only recently.

It's very poor communication on his part. He does not know how to discuss tough issues CALMLY, reasonably and as two grown adults should be able to, and as a result, he blows up in anger and frustration. So that contributes to him always threatening divorce, because he doesn't know how to handle issues OR a disagreement, so it's easiest for. him to just bail and say let's get divorced.

We need couples counseling for certain.

As for you, sounds good to discuss your question with a therapist. I don't think, based on what I do know, that it's all you. He gaslights you, and that's on HIM. And the sexual issues are possibly the chemistry, which is both of you together. Unless he's just not doing things you ask him to that you want and prefer. Then that's cruelty. And it also sounds like your husband is unwilling to give you what you need and ask for, which is not very conducive to a happy and satisfying marriage, on your part. Sounds like it's his way or the highway.

I just had a very productive and affirming call with my therapist.

We talked a bit about my ex, who really did a number on my self esteem and who sent me into a serious state of self doubt for a very long time (ie, he triggered old childhood wounds in me).

The good news is: I came out of that state feeling much stronger and more resolute. The issues with my ex were HIS issues, and not a reflection on ME. Which is how initially I interpreted everything.

And so the conclusion today was that my self esteem will not be effected (or I will not allow it to be) by any of my husband's behaviors towards me. They are a reflection on HIM, his own insecurity and his own self hatred, vs a reflection on ME as a person.

This I came to by myself, but through the discussion I was having with my therapist. So, luckily, my self esteem does not depend on my husband, and neither does my sense of self worth.

Excellent Insightful thoughts!!!

Thanks @divine1966!

We also discussed my husband's attitude towards finances and me and finances. And I don't think it's a matter of my husband taking advantage of me financially, though on the surface it can seem that way. I think it's a matter of him wanting to still be taken care of (because he always has been) and not wanting to take any responsibility for his own life and financial stability. I see that he resents the loss of his parents' enormous wealth immensely, and I think he is resistant to having to actually work hard and actually save money in order to buy the things he wants. He is used to being handed EVERYTHING, even in adulthood. And his ex wife allowed this throughout their marriage. So I think it's more his immaturity and his inability to just freaking grow up, accept the loss of his family's wealth (finally), become a REAL man, EARN and SAVE money like the rest of us do. He still wants to live his life as though he is wealthy. He is living in a dream world and needs to grow the F up.

The only way for me to hammer in that message to him I feel is through couples counseling. Otherwise, he won't hear it or take it well.

Did therapist have suggestions on how to approach financial situation? It really sounds like your husband needs like a life coach if not a therapist.

Even if it’s frustrating that his parents lost their wealth, it wasn’t HIS wealth. He was enjoying other people’s wealth.

Maybe his ex wife was so well off that it didn’t bother her to support him. Or maybe she grew resentful over time and that’s why they had bad fights. Or maybe she had to give in and buy stuff for him to avoid nasty fights. The thing is unless he seeks help he won’t change. People rarely change. But you can control yourself and your actions. He lives like this because he can, he always finds someone to do it for him.

But it could stop with you. Don’t do it. Don’t give in. The only way he can learn is if people stop doing it for him. You don’t even need to hammer that message. Just say no

JUST SAY "NO"! LOL. This is your brain on drugs. That's what this made me think of. Hehehee.

YES -- agreed! Therapist had some suggestions, but I think it's all best to address in couples therapy IF we ever make it to that.

True. But you can start now, not waiting for therapy. Even if he gets angry and fights, there is nothing he can do. Make sure your credit cards are in your wallet. Don’t give it to him to buy something for himself. Keep everything away from him and only spend your half on rent and utilities and half of groceries. The rest if he wants like extra stuff like clothes or outings he is to buy it himself.

You don’t need therapy for that. If he likes to eat out often he is to pay for it. Otherwise he’ll eat at home during work week like everyone else (with weekend dinner out or brunch/lunch outing on the weekend like everyone else).

You don’t need to wait to see couple therapist. He is 47. Grown man. This is common sense. Nothing much to explain. I’d not advice to shame people but if he keeps pushing, time might come to mention its very uncommon for a grown man to ask women for money and expect women to pay his way. Kind of shameful.

Yes your brain on drugs. Lol here your wallet is on fire. Just say no to him and he’ll need to deal with it

I'm already doing all of that. I choose to treat sometimes because that is my choice and if I want a nice restaurant or meal.

But I agree with your sentiments, generally speaking!

Oh of course we buy stuff for each other all the time too and treat each other all the time. That’s what people in relationships do. I was more concerned that he is asking for things instead of waiting for his next pay check if he cannot afford it at the moment or him getting angry when you don’t buy him things he asks you for. Of course I’d not expect couples not buy each other stuff! It’s not what I suggested at all.

Yeah, there is give and take. But he was trying to get away with me buying $145 worth of stuff FOR HIM at Target the other day, when it was mainly all his stuff and I had minimal stuff in the basket. When I put up a stink, he offered to pay for all of it.

At our first Christmas together, my mother went out of her way to buy nice gifts for my husband. He did not know my family very well yet and had only been with them a few times before we spent Christmas morning with them. Nonetheless, he did not thank my parents when he opened their nice gifts for him. I had to poke him to tell him to thank them for their presents. I was APPALLED and totally embarrassed in front of my parents. And what's strange is that he prides himself for having so-called "good manners". But the way I saw it, he wasn't pleased with the gifts he received and therefore, was acting like a spoiled brat and not thanking them for the gifts because he did not like them. He did not even appreciate the gesture.

Same thing goes with the nice couch my sister donated to us. He is most ungrateful about it, complains about it ALL THE TIME, saying how much is SUCKS, and all I can say and think is "be grateful we even have a couch and that my sister was kind enough to give it to us!!!!" (when each of us had very little furniture that we actually owned ourselves).

To top it all off, he makes racist remarks on top of sexist remarks. He calls the more impoverished Spanish neighbors across the street "mud people". WHAT???????????? COME ON!!!!!!!! REALLY???????

I don't even know if I like my husband as a person or even as a human being.

I verbalized all of this to my closest girlfriend today and she said "I would not tolerate that". Neither do I. I married a monster... someone I would not want lifelong.

It's decided. I want a divorce, and I want out of this relationship. Now I just need to figure out HOW and WHEN.

I am now reaching out to all my IRL girlfriends for support. I asked my sister for a divorce lawyer for consultation. I am moving forward. Then I will figure out the time to inform him. His birthday is June 27th. I don't want to ruin his bday, but it may have to come out before then. Not sure.

I am sorry

I recommend consulting with a lawyer first before you even mention anything. It’s not going to hurt just to consult. Although after only a year and no assets together it should be fairly easy. Regardless I recommend you don’t say anything to him until you know for sure what you are doing and have all ducks in a row

We support you no matter what you decide

Thank you, @divine1966.

And... once again, I am torn and feel totally chicken.

When he's being endearing, adorable, affectionate and loving towards me, I want to stay, and the love is there for me. Like this morning. And when he's being an abusive or sexist a-hole, I want to leave and kick him to the curb.

But then when I look at the WHOLE picture of who he is and what he brings to the table, I get that nagging gut wrenching feeling that divorce is the only answer.

I feel really stuck in indecision. This SUCKS.

And I do feel chicken. I am admittedly scared. I am terrified of uprooting my entire life and going through a gut wrenching process of divorce. I am not prepared or ready emotionally OR financially to take that on.

You don’t need to make decisions. When you know you know. If you don’t know what to do you just sit on it.

Admittedly I don’t understand how after one year of marriage your entire life would be uprooted. Like you had no life before him. I could see how if you were married 25 years or moved to a different country for him. I don’t understand after a year, still living in the same area. I do get a troublesome situation with a lease but those things get resolved too. I myself had not been married long, only 4 years but if something bad happened (no reason for that, just hypothetically speaking) it wouldn’t uproot my entire life at all. I didn’t move out of state or quit my job for my husband and I had the entire life before I’ve met him. So uprooting wouldn’t take place. I’d just be living how I was living, just not married.

You don’t have to explain. I think it’s just me not getting it.

By uprooting, I mean moving out.. moving is a HUGE pain in the butt. I don't want to move!!!! I love our apartment and moving is a HUGE expense for me, which I've explained. That's financial upheaval. So is splitting up belongings that we share or own together. And by uprooting, I also mean our shared social life will be completely shaken up. We go out to all the same places and hang out with all the same people. I have a handful of separate friendships that I had before him of course, and some amount of separation, but its; going to be a huge upheaval for me. And the social scene will be totally awkward. People may take sides, I don't know how this will turn out and I AM SCARED and very NERVOUS. I don't want to lose friends and I don't want to lose my fun social scene. And I don't want to end things on a really bad note so that he goes on some sort of reputation smear campaign with all our shared friends.

That's what I meant. I don't see what the big difference is between 1 year and 25 years. It's not to be downplayed just because I've only been married 1 year. We've lived together for 2 years. When I say it's an upheaval and a big deal for me, people shouldn't downplay or belittle what that means for me.

And I think I DO need to sit on this. I am not ready for this. Not one bit!

Oh of course it is a pain in a neck. Sorry didn’t mean to downplay. I’d just think that you’d share way fewer material possessions in one year than would be accumulated over 25. That’s why I compared. I think it’s a big difference. Not saying your marriage is less important, just that it logically has way less stuff to split and no property or assets no combined account no both names on 100 things no mutual savings no spitting your retirement accounts in half if that’s what other person might want not having to sell property etc etc etc

Oh yeah I agree social scene is a big pain. I lived through divorce, we were in the same group of friends. It was a weird dynamic. We eventually remained friends but it was complicated at first, in fact it took years to say we are friends. It’s always complicated. One can hope to remain on friendly terms after divorce but who knows how things play out. We can hope to just be civil

You don’t need to get divorced at all. Keep working with your therapist and hopefully seek couple therapy with your husband if need to and you’d be fine. My reply was because you said you want a divorce. I thought I was supportive by not telling you “yeah your life will be upside down and your world will collapse”. Looks like I wasn’t supportive. My apologies. You do what’s right

You're always supportive! And I always appreciate your replies!

I just didn't want what I am experiencing to be downplayed or compared. It's a HUGE ordeal FOR ME, and that's what matters to me. Comparison helps only in the sense that yeah, I have less to go through than someone committed to 25 years in a marriage. Sure, I agree!! But it almost doesn't matter.

I am scared to death. And I am kind of freaking out a bit. What I am feeling and thinking doesn't help my anxiety level. It makes my anxiety go through the roof.

But yeah, you're right - I don't need to get a divorce necessarily. It's not even on the table yet or right now.

So, like you said, I am going to just sit with this for now, and work with my therapist to help me through all these thoughts and feelings.

I am a member of several women's abuse forums on Facebook, and I hear horror stories on there of abuse FAR worse than what I experience. I feel like what I experience is very mild in comparison.

And last night he ended up telling me he is going to buy that chair himself, the next time he gets paid. That made me very happy! He didn't even ask me to buy it or put it on my credit card. He simply said "in a couple weeks when I get paid again, I am going to buy it".

That’s a good plan for him to buy it. I hope he sat on that chair first to make sure it’s comfortable. Is it an arm chair? Recliner?

I’d not compare other people’s relationships to yours. What works for others doesn’t have to work for you and vice versa. Of course there are extremely abusive marriages out there and everything compare to that seems like a bliss, but I’d not use it as a measurement of anything. Go by what works for you and you only

He sat in it and it was comfortable for him. Just an armchair, not a recliner.

Well, I cannot help but compare because what I experience does pale in comparison and all these women tell me to leave, when they have far worse situations than I do.

Also, I am angry at my HR Director/Business Manager. We had a call the other day to discuss my asking my CEO about a leadership role in our company. We spoke for 20 mins or more and I ended up confiding in her that I am personally not doing well because I am contemplating divorce.

Then, in our virtual company social hour the very next day, a co-worker was being congratulated for his recent engagement, and the HR Director said "well, I am still married" and the CEO said "I am too".

How thoughtless and insensitive was that???? What the hell? It's like stick a knife in my heart right now because I'm thinking of possibly a divorce! What a b-i-t-c-h! I always knew she was kind of b-i-t-c-h-y but she had never been towards ME and had always been nice, until NOW.