Assault?

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 03:29 PM

I understand not being able to leave too. What I am having trouble with is why you're not separating from him within your current housing situation. And like I've said, I think you're dancing for him, trying to adjust your own behavior and responses so as not to trigger, upset and set him off. That is very common among abused women and how they respond. What is troubling is that the abuse continues, has escalated further, and he is building a case against you. I would have separated from him in every way by now, which indicates that you will not accept his bad behaviors. But instead, you are rationalizing the behavior by trying to state that it's more a case of mental illness and brain damage that is causing him to behave poorly. When perhaps it's just downright abuse and you are in a most toxic and abusive relationship. I don't see him vastly improving; what i see is this only get worse and worse.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 03:33 PM

His sister is willing to have me speak with her. She's our next door neighbour. Thoughts?

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

I'm trying to help him because I currently don't have another choice.

But you DO have a choice. You can separate from him officially within your current living quarters. You DO have a choice in the matter.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

His sister is willing to have me speak with her. She's our next door neighbour. Thoughts?

Blood is thicker. I would not try to get his sister on your side OR explain any of the abuse to her. I tried that once with an ex abuser's friends and it all backfired on me in a BIG WAY. They accused ME of abuse instead.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Blood is thicker. I would not try to get his sister on your side OR explain any of the abuse to her. I tried that once with an ex abuser's friends and it all backfired on me in a BIG WAY. They accused ME of abuse instead.

Ya, that's my fear, that blood will always be thicker than water. Having said that, he has a history against his family, too. He's told them about the financial piece and being a compulsive liar.

I did speak to his mom a while back, regarding another incident about her husband. I did leak out a bit about some of my partner's behaviours related to the incident. We had a great conversation and she, too, said the same. She said I'm family to her and she "knows her boys well". But I don't want to involve her further because she's mom and it'll hurt her most.

I've debated about sending sister an email, and keep it for my own records, but she may just believe otherwise.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

Ya, that's my fear, that blood will always be thicker than water. Having said that, he has a history against his family, too. He's told them about the financial piece and being a compulsive liar.

I did speak to his mom a while back, regarding another incident about her husband. I did leak out a bit about some of my partner's behaviours related to the incident. We had a great conversation and she, too, said the same. She said I'm family to her and she "knows her boys well". But I don't want to involve her further because she's mom and it'll hurt her most.

I've debated about sending sister an email, and keep it for my own records, but she may just believe otherwise.

Yeah... just based on my own experience, it's best to stick to your own friends and confidantes when it comes to abuse and trying to explain or convey bad behaviors to their own family members or friends. You have to ask yourself: what is your objective in trying to discuss it with his sister? To protect your own image? To get a family member of his to side with you and see your side of things? What are you trying to achieve?

I would caution against it, personally. Just my opinion. It's not a good idea.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:04 PM

Quote:

You can separate from him officially within your current living quarters.

This would NOT work. He wouldn't be able to handle it and it would create further toxicity around our girls. Right now, most things are behind the scenes. In the situation you're proposing, he would use the girls to his advantage, making demands that are unfavorable for them, because separation within the home is another form of rejection.

divine1966 · Jul 16, 2020, 04:09 PM

There is nothing wrong with having relationship with his sister. Having said that, I’d not speak to her about him. If my husband called my brother to discuss me in some kind of complaining way, my brother would hang up on him. That’s not right. My husbands ex was estranged from my husbands family, well also from her adult kids. She loved to call people to discuss my husband in a negative light. They’d not engage in it and eventually cut her off. You are estranged from your family. Your run a risk to get estranged from his family too. Do not involve his sister in your disputes with her brother

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:15 PM

Quote:

You have to ask yourself: what is your objective in trying to discuss it with his sister? To protect your own image? To get a family member of his to side with you and see your side of things? What are you trying to achieve?

Yep. To clear my name and reputation. She's not just a family member. She's my neighbour and he's intimidated by her. He's the "middle" child and wants so much for his sister and mom (and me) to see "only GOOD" in him. To be PROUD of him. Whatever he's confessed to them has a silver lining attached.

I have opened up to a friend of mine. I lost a lot of friends in the past due to my son's "odd" behaviours and my relationship with my most recent ex (prejudism). I also struggle with social anxiety that stems from childhood trauma. So I'm having to deal with heavy things on my own. It's lonely.

So, being a part of his circle was important for me. He used to say his family thought I was "better" than he. He felt threatened because I AM a good person. I don't think he ever wanted me to get close to them because of his own insecurities, IMO. He competes against me, even over things that have nothing to do with him. So, it's not only about him needing people to "like" him. He needs people to like him "better" then his "rival".. that could be his brother, a specific neighbour, a colleague, and of course, me.

I just want to clear the air.

divine1966 · Jul 16, 2020, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

This would NOT work. He wouldn't be able to handle it and it would create further toxicity around our girls. Right now, most things are behind the scenes. In the situation you're proposing, he would use the girls to his advantage, making demands that are unfavorable for them, because separation within the home is another form of rejection.

You said he is a good father. Good parent would never ever use his kids in this manner. He is not a good parent. Good parent will put children first and will make sure that separation is the most peaceful and amicable for the children sake. I don’t think you see your partner for who he really is. You repeatedly describe bad parenting decisions but then say he is a good parent. He is NOT a good parent. Sure there are worse parents out there but it doesn’t make him good. It doesn’t matter if he is a bad parent because he feels rejected or because he mimicked his dad, he just isn’t a good parent

divine1966 · Jul 16, 2020, 04:20 PM

I’d hang out with his sister more so she can see first hand that you are a good person. But I’d not speak to her about her brother. They’ve known you for 6 years and live nextdoor. I’d think they must know you are a good person

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:23 PM

Quote:

You said he is a good father. Good parent would never ever use his kids in this manner.

He is when he's not stuck in his head. In-home seperation will provoke his feelings further. The "splitting" would play itself out. I don't think he'll be capable of managing it well.

If we were to seperat, it would have to happen in a very supportive and delicate way in order to maintain the peace and compromise the schedule.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d hang out with his sister more so she can see first hand that you are a good person. But I’d not speak to her about her brother. They’ve known you for 6 years and live nextdoor. I’d think they must know you are a good person

She keeps to herself. Although she mentioned the other day for us (all) to take our kids to the water park.

Anyway, I was going to talk with her but then backed out. I'm not an abusive parent and I really want to explain to her what happened that day, from me.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

This would NOT work. He wouldn't be able to handle it and it would create further toxicity around our girls. Right now, most things are behind the scenes. In the situation you're proposing, he would use the girls to his advantage, making demands that are unfavorable for them, because separation within the home is another form of rejection.

However, YOU can protect your girls from any resulting toxic behaviors on his part. Why let that stop you from separating from him? This makes NO sense to me at all. You are willing to PUT UP WITH, DANCE AROUND and try to RESOLVE his deeply rooted abuse issues, all while being ABUSED YOURSELF. You CAN protect your girls. My sister did it with her ex abusive husband. She accomplished an in-house separation with him after she could no longer take his abuse, and with THREE young boys at home. Her ex is severely abusive! If SHE can do it, you can too! Her boys all turned out OK, and that's because SHE protected them from him.

I wouldn't let fear of his reaction stop you from a separation. I think it's absolutely critical and necessary at this point!!!

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:30 PM

Quote:

They’ve known you for 6 years and live nextdoor. I’d think they must know you are a good person

I think she does. She once said that they know if they need him to do anything, to just talk with me. It was said as a joke, years ago, and never played out. She also said I've been a positive influence in his life.

She hasn't shown much interest in spending time with us and I'm thinking it's because of his history as a drug addict plus whatever stories he's passed on about me. So, she's polite in passing but doesn't reach out, socially. The water park invite was out of the ordinary.. and only the second time she's suggested that in 6yrs.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

He is when he's not stuck in his head. In-home seperation will provoke his feelings further. The "splitting" would play itself out. I don't think he'll be capable of managing it well.

If we were to seperat, it would have to happen in a very supportive and delicate way in order to maintain the peace and compromise the schedule.

You are seriously dancing around this man's reactions. Do you see this in yourself yet? I understand the fears. I do, I really do. But you have got to STOP being so afraid of his reactions.

You are allowing the abuse to continue, and if you do not separate from him, you will continue to be abused, it's going to get far worse over time, he will not improve and you AND your girls will suffer.

Things may not play out as peacefully as you may want, but like I said, you CAN protect your girls.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:38 PM

Quote:

However, YOU can protect your girls from any resulting toxic behaviors on his part.

I have to approach this in a way I can handle it, too. It is a dance. When an opening comes up, I'd like to slide into it. In the meantime, I feel being supportive NOW will pay off better in the long run, whether we're together or not. I feel I NEED to do this for my girls. He's NOT at par with parenting, you're both right. So I want to continue working together on that since he HAS been receptive to my parenting strategies and ideas. He wants to be seen as good, right? Well he's with the right person because I'm riding his tail.

I want to feel more secured that he's in a better mental position before feeling he can coparent our children without me. I AM thinking about them, too.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

I have to approach this in a way I can handle it, too. It is a dance. When an opening comes up, I'd like to slide into it. In the meantime, I feel being supportive NOW will pay off better in the long run, whether we're together or not. I feel I NEED to do this for my girls. He's NOT at par with parenting, you're both right. So I want to continue working together on that since he HAS been receptive to my parenting strategies and ideas. He wants to be seen as good, right? Well he's with the right person because I'm riding his tail.

I want to feel more secured that he's in a better mental position before feeling he can coparent our children without me. I AM thinking about them, too.

Yes, and in the meantime, your 3 year old witnessed him accusing you of abuse.
Do you know how confusing and traumatizing that could be for a toddler?

It's only going to get worse. But your refuse to separate, you refuse to put your foot down, and instead you want to help him, while you are being abused and while it's escalating to a seriously disturbing level. I don't think you're fully absorbing how absolutely disturbing it is what he's done to you. Instead, you want to work with him on improving his behaviors, when what he has done should have required social services to take his own parental rights away.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:48 PM

Quote:

But you have got to STOP being so afraid of his reactions.

You are allowing the abuse to continue

See, I disagree with you on this. Understanding his behaviours empower me. Debriefing with him afterwards HAS been effective. I'm stuck physically, yes, but it doesn't mean I'm allowing anything to happen. Progress IS being made BECAUSE of me.

What I'm being more mindful about now are his triggers. Yep, I've listed them. Gottman advises to label our feelings so when he's in this state, I can simply state something like, "Remember, this is a rejection issue," and prompt him. I haven't quite figured out how this will play out yet because it's all new. Having him address these 3 issues with his therapist will give me building blocks to work with.

Under the circumstances, I want to work with him, not against.. and not because I'm afraid.. it's to prevent an escalation, and allow him time to learn and work through it, via DBT and strategies givenby his therapist. I really don't think this approach is wrong. It may not be your style, I get it.

Have Hope · Jul 16, 2020, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

See, I disagree with you on this. Understanding his behaviours empower me. Debriefing with him afterwards HAS been effective. I'm stuck physically, yes, but it doesn't mean I'm allowing anything to happen. Progress IS being made BECAUSE of me.

What I'm being more mindful about now are his triggers. Yep, I've listed them. Gottman advises to label our feelings so when he's in this state, I can simply state something like, "Remember, this is a rejection issue," and prompt him. I haven't quite figured out how this will play out yet because it's all new. Having him address these 3 issues with his therapist will give me building blocks to work with.

Under the circumstances, I want to work with him, not against.. and not because I'm afraid.. it's to prevent an escalation, and allow him time to learn and work through it, via DBT and strategies givenby his therapist. I really don't think this approach is wrong. It may not be your style, I get it.

Approach it the way that works best for you. I don't agree with it given how he has behaved in front of your 3 year-old, and I think it will only get worse. But clearly, him accusing you of abuse and threatening to call the police and social services wasn't your threshold or enough for you to separate from him. I would have.

I wish you all the best.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:54 PM

Quote:

Yes, and in the meantime, your 3 year old witnessed him accusing you of abuse.
Do you know how confusing and traumatizing that could be for a toddler?

I'm holding myself partly accountable for that.. which is why I feel understanding his triggers is important for ME. I can avoid this escalation by remaining neutral. When I react, it worsens the situation.

The expectation will always be for HIM to work through it. He needs to return to baseline before he'll be able to do anything constructive, though. The sooner he is, the better all around.

I learned a lot from raising my son. I was just blinded at the bigger picture about my partner.

MsLady · Jul 16, 2020, 04:58 PM

Quote:

But clearly, him accusing you of abuse and threatening to call the police and social services wasn't your threshold or enough for you to separate from him.

If I had the means to, I would have. I'm unable to and having an in-home seperation would not work for us. I'm glad it worked out for your sister.

I appreciate your feedback! Thanks for caring

divine1966 · Jul 16, 2020, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

I'm not sure what exactly he says but if it's anything similar to what he tells me when he's not in the right mindset, then they're not receiving the truth of a situation.

He's admitted to have "vented". He stayed overnight at a friend's house once, when he "broke up with me".. and came back to say, "I AM a good person. I AM caring. You're just insecure and have trust issues you need to work on."

At couple's therapy, the first introduction he gave her was that I have trust issues with EVERYONE.

His dad "jokingly" said I'm "the boss" and that I'm "sensitive". His mom once mentioned we "just need to compromise".

When I went over to his best friend's BBQ, a couple years ago, his (now) wife never approached me to say, "Hi, nice to finally meet you!" She was the hostess. He didn't want me going to their wedding, either, to which he was the Best Man for, even though I was invited. So now I'm not at all interested in spending time with his friends.

His family are my neighbours. They've lived here since my partner was a child. They are very influential and have a lot of friends here. So it's not just my word against his, it's my word against their's.

Ya, a BIG NO-NO, is right. He NEEDS that external sympathy, validation, and attention. It makes me want to barf.

So you were invited to the wedding as a couple but he didn’t want you to go. He didn’t want his girlfriend to go with him to events that routinely have “plus one” options. How despicable. But instead of walking opposite direction you decided to stick around this guy. It’s very sad. You deserve better. He didn’t suddenly change a year ago, he was always disrespectful and dismissive of you. I hope you find strength to leave. You don’t have to live like this. You deserve a much better life

MsLady · Jul 17, 2020, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

So you were invited to the wedding as a couple but he didn’t want you to go. He didn’t want his girlfriend to go with him to events that routinely have “plus one” options. How despicable. But instead of walking opposite direction you decided to stick around this guy. It’s very sad. You deserve better. He didn’t suddenly change a year ago, he was always disrespectful and dismissive of you. I hope you find strength to leave. You don’t have to live like this. You deserve a much better life

The wedding was 5months ago.

MsLady · Jul 17, 2020, 12:33 AM

.. just to add, I didn't want to go to the wedding. I just didn't realize he didn't want me there, either. It's the same couple he's vented about me with, so why would I subject myself.. especially after the BBQ incident.

He said it's because he didn't want me "judging" him on how he is, socially.. he didn't want to "embarrass" me. And, ya, he does embarrass me. When we run into an acquaintance, or a random neighbour, he'll instantly crack jokes on their expense, laughing at them. It's not funny or very nice at all. These aren't his BFFs so it's completely inappropriate, usually targeting a possible insecurity (baldness, aging, looks, etc). His dad jokes in this same way.

I mentioned here about Histrionic Personality disorder. Just the center stage, theatrical, loudness embarrasses me. So I'm completely ok about not blending our social circle.

It started off being about my social anxiety. He was very "understanding" that large social gatherings were too much for me. He was very "supportive" and let them know about it. It wasn't until 4-5 months ago I discovered he was glad I didn't attend, all along.

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