Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I also don't think I handled things that well....

I mean, here he was, dealing with his ex texting him at the show the other night, and he's dealt with me having to message back my ex when he's been at my house. And I take off without saying anything to him because I felt hurt that he was treating me more like an acquaintance, being very hands off with me and acting like we're just friends. Then the following day, instead of getting on the phone to discuss things, I retreated and ended things over text.

Not the most mature way to handle things. But I was hurt, and I wanted him to reciprocate my affections at the show, and he wasn't. He was just standing there, apart from me. And then when I messaged him yesterday morning telling him that I think I want more than he does, he says let's talk soon, but doesn't reply to me all day long, leaving me hanging. So, I ended up messaging him again at 4 pm, and by then, I was super frustrated with the lack of response, leading me to end it over text.

Argh. I am just really frustrated. I finally had found someone who loves the same outdoor activities that I do, and who loves the same music as me... two of my biggest passions in life and we matched up. Then we don't match up in terms of what we want. It's not fair... life is not fair, and it drives me nuts.

LOL... and I have a date lined up for tonight with a new guy. He had approached me last Sat night after I bumped into him at a show. He messaged me asking me if I was single again and if I wanted to get together. I told him at the time that I was dating someone, so I said no... then this morning I followed up with him to let him know we broke up and I am available. So, I have a date tonight! He's cute... older and a music photographer. I've been friends with him on Facebook for several years and we've bumped into each other here and there at various shows over the years. So we've known who each other is for a while now. So we'll see if there's any connection between us.

Romantic relationship discord sure can bring out the worst in all of us. It triggers primal attachment issues and we can react infantile. Someone can be the most professional at their job and then act immature in the love department. I think it’s the strong desire to want to be loved, and find the person who is the right fit. That desire is so strong that we decompose in disappointment when it becomes apparent this is not the case with that person. It’s rejection and disappointment that triggers.

You jumped all in with intimacy very fast with him. There’s no law against this, obviously, but it’s really not the best way to approach relationships. It would have been better to build the relationship first. You might have enjoyed doing those activities with him that you have in common while you got to know him better. You would have seen that he didn’t want a commitment, and you wouldn’t have invested in him romantically because you weren’t intimate. You’d be just friends who like to do sports together. Maybe next time take things slower?

Rejection and disappointment certainly triggered me into not wanting to talk to him on the phone - I retreated instead.

Yeah, I guess I did jump into bed with him fairly quickly, after only a couple of weeks of talking to him. Next time, I will take it more slowly and will be more cautious.

Honestly ton of people love outdoor activities and music. It’s not enough for a relationship. It’s enough for friendships and activity partnerships. Having things in common is very important but not enough.

When I react to something with disproportionate intensity it was because my guts are telling me that something is off. He can’t give you what you want. The way you react to it wouldn’t change the essence

If you want outdoor activities partners and music events appreciating crowd, you need friendships more than anything. And you are just coming out of divorce so it’s not really the best time for dating

I feel ready to date, and I want to date. Only I can determine if I am ready or not. It doesn't matter that I am coming off a divorce. Many people date just following a divorce, especially if you want a life partner, ultimately. I am not getting any younger, and I know what I want and what I am looking for.

I don't think I reacted with disproportionate intensity, if that's what you're saying? Sure, I took off the other night without telling him, but it had been building within me over the last week or so that I sensed we're on very different pages. By keeping his distance from me at the show, it was the culmination of that feeling, and I just kind of was like, this isn't what I want after 2 months of dating... I wanted more.

So it is what it is.. .maybe I didn't react well or in the best manner, but I was hurt, and I ran away.

No it wasn’t what I was saying. I honestly thought you acted just fine. He paid no attention to you so you left. You said you didn’t act right and thought you were over board just walking out etc Well maybe it’s disproportionate but it’s because it didn’t feel right. When I don’t feel right I might do the same thing.

Thanks, divine, and that's precisely what happened. I am taking a break from the Wed night shows for the next couple of weeks to avoid seeing Jay and to give myself some time before I see him again.

Smart move

Well I think you've done the right thing. I told my husband what he'd said about complications, and my husband was like "How old is this guy?" lol.

Hope the date goes well.

Yeah.. he did say that didn't he. I didn't feel any chemistry with my date last night, and when I came home, I was missing Jay. Ugh.

If you just ended it with someone you really liked and went on a date with someone new -not interesting- it’s only normal to miss your previous person. It’s not because it’s a sign to go back or he is your soul mate but because you are vulnerable and a new person didn’t ignite the spark (and how could they that quick?).

I know you said you are ready to date and I am all for it but maybe give it a few days/weeks? If someone asks you out, don’t say no but say you are single and available but will be busy next few weeks and schedule a date few weeks from now or tell them you’ll call back. You don’t have to go out just because a man asked, you could determine the time frame. If he’s interested he’ll absolutely wait (well maybe not 6 month but he’ll wait)

Ok, I gotta get this out!!!

My date last night? Oh man... I think he is VERY likely NPD!!!!

When we first sat down, he asked me to tell him everything about my marriage.. what happened, etc. So, I started to tell him about my ex, BUT as soon as I mentioned NPD within my first sentence, he immediately interrupted and turned the conversation around onto HIM & HIS marriage, telling me that HIS ex wife had been diagnosed as NPD and Borderline... then he begins to tell me more of the story of her and how she became suicidal, attempted suicide and ended up being hospitalized for 2 months, despite being a highly accomplished medical surgeon!

So I asked him, was there any indication beforehand of these personality disorders, was it a tumultuous relationship and was she abusive? He said no to all three..... that was a huge glaring red flag and tip off right there for me....

it turns out she has custody of their kids and has alienated him from his children. Now, if she has custody, yet was hospitalized, what really went down?

He also seemed to be boasting to me about their 2.5 million dollar property that they had owned together in a very wealthy neighboring town. Only someone who wants to boast will mention how much their home costs, not a modest person.

Then the rest of the night was mainly him talking about himself, and he barely asked me any questions about me, my life or who I am.... I never even really got to finish the story about my ex husband and my marriage.

At the end of the night, he managed to insult me.

He had mentioned earlier how a woman he had dated was very "short and unattractive".

Well, while he was walking me to my car, he asked why I didn't walk to the restaurant because it's so close to my home, and I said because I'm wearing heels, and I showed him my heels, so he blurted out "how short are you???" NOT, how tall are you...

so I turned it around on him and said the same back to him--- he's only 5'9". I am 5'2". I was turned off and insulted by his tone and his question, the way he worded it and the way he sounded, as though being "short" is a bad thing, or a turnoff. Clearly, he likes taller women.

But the real tip off to me about him is the fact that his ex wife wasn't abusive, according to him, yet has two major personality disorders (allegedly). He also boasted about having so many friends.

So, I am putting it all together and I think this guy is actually NPD himself, yet projected this onto his ex wife, and he likely made her suicidal!

Luckily, I wasn't attracted to him and don't want a second date after this first date.

I think I am getting far better at this....

After last night's date (see my description above!), I am definitely holding off on any more dates for the moment.

He described a date he had as “short and unattractive”. I thought I heard it all. Wow.

Yep - and then his question to me, "how SHORT are you?".

I’m definitely disappointed about Jay. But we did have several key differences, one being he supports Trump and I don’t. I’m essentially apolitical, but I wondered about Jay’s take on the recent findings that Trump is guilty of sexually inappropriate behavior. Not to mention that 12 women have accused him of sexual assault… he’s a predator so I wondered what Jay’s stance is on that. He supports his policies he said, not necessarily his personality. So we differed fundamentally there. And Jay would prefer to live in isolation, away from everything in the woods. To me, that sounds dreadful! I need a city near by me for culture and nightlife.. and people! He says he’s a loner - I’m independent but very social and need social interaction . He also didn’t communicate enough for my tastes - I wanted more than he was willing to give.

So maybe we’re just too incompatible. I’m lucky that I didn’t really get hurt by this. We didn’t end on sour terms really, and I can be friendly towards him when I see him again in a couple weeks.

Still, I had my hopes up - I liked being around him. He has a very laid back and calming energy, while I’m kind of more wired and energized. Oh well. It is what is is. I think he needs more healing from his marriage. He chased his ex wife for years after their divorce. He pursued her just like my ex pursued me. His ex was a cutter, and had men sending her sexually explicit photos of themselves. I didn’t understand what was so attractive to him about her - still don’t. He said they had a “connection”. To each their own. I wouldn’t be attracted to a cutter myself. That would be a huge red flag for me and a huge deterrent. For all I know, Jay may not be that mentally healthy. .

I am sure there was more to his wife than mental illness, which self harm was likely indicative of. Don’t know about sexual photos. That’s bizarre. But who really knows. She got full custody. If she was that unstable she’d not get it and he’d not let her leave the state and take a kid. There’s maybe more to the story.

It’s hard to tell what attracts people. I am sure people question what attracted you to your ex, he sounded like very bad news from the start. And all the other men before him. Love could be blind. Also he might be a calm guy but attracted to chaos and drama if that’s what his ex supplied. Sometimes that’s why people end up with chaos in their life.

Who knows. I question many of my choices in men

Well I’ve definitely wondered why he was so attached to her. He told me at one point, well she’s very beautiful for one. And she is. She looks like a model. I saw pics of her. But she sounded like a mess inside. Why he would want that, who knows. Maybe he is attracted to unstable and chaotic.

Some men are very simple. If a woman is pretty, that’s all they care about. They don’t care what’s inside. Some aren’t that deep.

I’d say if she is such a mess, it’s very irresponsible of this guy to allow her raising a kid full time with father providing minimum involvement from a far. It can’t be good for a child. No judge would allow her to move if she was such a mess and the father objected. Red flag. Not a responsible parent.

I bet if you asked her, she’d have a different story. 99% that your soon to be ex tells people how unstable and messed up you were. And next woman would wonder why he even liked you. Take it all with a grain of salt

He never told me she was unstable or a mess.. that's just what I thought. He told me she has been on disability for years and is a cutter... from the cutting, I surmised that she must have some deep mental health issues.

It certainly raised many questions for me.

I do wonder if I became too impatient with Jay? Is 2 months a reasonable timeframe to want and expect more communication, more engagement, and slightly more commitment within a budding new relationship?

I mean, while he was in the Caribbean, he had written to me that we should take a mini trip together - but he still held me at arm's length or at a great distance, and it became very frustrating for me. I found myself constantly waiting for him to get back to me via text, hours would go by in between communications, including responses to my own texts.

When I had expressed to him a week ago that I was anxious about possibly running into my ex at the memorial gathering for our friend, Jay took hours to get back to me. I wanted some sort of supportive reply from him - like don't worry, I got your back. But later I found out that he had deliberately not replied to me for the entire day. I was really bothered by that. I wanted reassurance from him.

Maybe still, I was expecting too much too soon from him? I really don't know. Since he had invited me on a mini trip, just the two of us, I figured he would try to communicate more with me and engage more with me, but he just didn't. He continued to reply hours and hours later, and only with just brief texts. I also figured he would have been more supportive around running into my ex. I wasn't getting that from him.

How do you know he deliberately didn’t reply versus just got too busy? Did he tell you? If he deliberately did not reply, it’s quite a nasty move and isn’t someone you want to be with. That’s quite asinine

Saying “we should go on a mini trip” isn’t the same as “inviting” anyone anywhere. Inviting would be “make sure you free up days from 15th to 20th as I booked us a trip” or “let’s sit down now, let’s look at a calendar and book a trip now”. Otherwise it’s just a general chit chat.

Overall it’s better to pay attention to actions more than words.

He told me that he had told his friend that he hadn't responded to my text about being anxious, so yes, it was deliberate. He knew he hadn't replied, and he took his time in replying. I don't now recall if he did ever reply to that text.

I had also reached out to his friend, asking for support around it... I was trying to gather my support system and make it clear that running into my ex made me very anxious.

After Jay returned from his trip, and when I brought up the topic of a mini trip for us, he said, yeah I was thinking of that.. then he corrected himself twice and said I was/am thinking of that. Past tense and present tense together, as though he had almost changed his mind.

I just get wishy washy from him. Not an investment in wanting to grow the relationship and see if it could turn into something more special, longer lasting, and more committed.

He’s not a relationship material and he doesn’t pretend otherwise. He’s obvious. I know you liked him but this isn’t going anywhere so time to move on