My Mother's belt

<font color="green"> I am working on finding the anger for myself that I can so easily access for others. My therapist wants me to write about how I felt during the abuse but not to obsess on it. I dunno, but I feel the need to put it somewhere. Please be careful as this may be triggering. Basically, this is a description of one of many episodes that happened in my teens. I am not suicidal nor am I cutting these days.



“Why can’t you do anything right?” She curses and I hear the peculiar whistle of the belt just before liquid fire erupts across my back, my bottom and thighs.

“I’m sorry,” I yelp and writhe but another slash crosses the first.

“I was scared to death when you were so late.” I cannot stay still but run from her wrath. Cursing and swinging the belt, she chases me.

Sobbing wildly I fall across my bed, “I’m sorry, please. I am sorry I won’t be late again. Please, ow, ow.”

“Damn right, you won’t,” she pants. Why cant’ I obey the simplest rules my whole being quakes as fire burns from shoulders to knees. She pants a last curse and leaves me to curl up on my bed and cry, waiting for the strength to ease my battered body in a cool shower... Gasping in fear and pain, I wonder why was I ever born. I wish I was dead

Later I twist and turn before my mirror. Welts crisscross from shoulders to calf. Why do I keep making her hurt me? Why is love so hurtful? Shuddering I wish I could die.

Watching the drops of blood I’ve released I dream of bleeding out all the bad. I am no good, worthless. I deserve all that she does. I clean the pinpricks and pray that she kills me next time. How many times must I repeat the same scenario? When will I learn? I love her for caring so much. I need to bleed some more.
</font>

Oh Sweety I am so SORRY! - please know (if you can right now) that none of that was your fault.... that your mom had her own emotional issues that she was taking out on you - an innocent child.... no CHILD can behave so badly that they deserve such treatment.

YOU are GOOD and YOU are WORTHY of LOVE..... from all.

Thanks for sharing with us all here and for being brave enough to write out your painful memories.... YOU are LOVED.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

im very sorry that something like this had to happen to you.
you seem like a wonderful person.
nothing like this could be your fault.
you are your own person and your mother is her own person.
i know you can get through this, just beleive in your own person.
-megan-

<font color="green">Thank you Rhapsody.
Thank you damajdancer.

I dont know how do what therapist told me to, instead I just write about the various episodes of abuse as if I were wtiting a book. I am connected enough to it that I have flashbacks with the body memories.

I suppose this could go in PTSD as well as here. Oh well, ty again it eased my heart to read your posts.
</font>

I am so sorry for all that you have endured. Your post touched me deeply for reasons I cannot explore right now but I just wanted you to know that my thoughts will be with you.

I am so sorry!

(((( dalila ))))

I'm sorry you went through that. I understand.

I dont know how do what therapist told me to, instead I just write about the various episodes of abuse as if I were wtiting a book. I am connected enough to it that I have flashbacks with the body memories.

I can also relate to this 100%.

Word by word, line by line, your writing will help you heal. Bits and pieces here and there, it doesn't matter how you write your story, just write it.

dear one, i am so sorry your mom thought beating you with a belt was expressing love. that was totallly inappropriate behavior. nothing you did gave her permission to beat you. ever.

children learn best by trial, error and loving feedback. you can't beat learning into them. i learned that under my dad's belt.

don't worry about doing your "homework" from your t "perfectly". just do what you can. your subconscious/higher self/watching part will know what you are readyto look at and to get down on paper.

healing is very individual. your healing will custom fit you. the timing of you healing will be on your time, no set schedule. this is when you get to figure out yourself and your needs and your wants and what works best for you for a change.

badgering myself with positive affirmations, learning grounding and breathing and meditation techniques were all very helpful in breaking the chain of my destructive thoughts and habits to get my own healing under way.

if i close my eyes, i can still feel the terror and the sting...... raging parents are no good for kids. SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO WHIP YOU. period end. )))))))) ))dahla ((((((( ((

PS: i think that when it clicks into your consciousness that you REALLY DID NOT deserve to be beat, and that your Mom abused you horribly, your anger will come. . .

Dalila, I can relate to having trouble getting to the anger and can certainly relate to self-destructive behavior. We don't deserve this and you certainly deserved better than you got in life.

I have two suggestions that might help with your therapy. I would try going back to what you have written about what happened to you and then add some statements after each one that put responsibility where it belongs. Like this: "I may have been late, but I deserved a hug not a beating. I was not wrong -- she was. I am angry at her for doing this to me." Then trying saying it out loud. In my experience, the words come out before the emotions do, so I would repeat my statements each day until the emotions started to show in my voice. I really think it's important to add these statements to put everything in the right adult perspective today and to help direct you towards anger you have a right to express but were too afraid and intimidated to express when you were abused. I also think doing it this way keeps the exercise from being more than just a re-living of the original horror.

Also, writing can be a very logical exercise. I encourage you to ask you therapist to help you with other more expressive exercises that are emotionally-based. Drawing feelings with crayons and construction paper, molding things into clay -- these types of "hands on" exercises usually draw the emotions out. Just keep your supports with you when you do this stuff so you don't have to handle the emotions alone.

Hope these thoughts help.

Be well,

mtd

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dalila said:
<font color="green">
I dont know how do what therapist told me to, instead I just write about the various episodes of abuse as if were wtiting a book. </font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Witting is the BEST therapy IMO - I have written about 10 notebooks full of words from my many years of placing all my inner pain & wounds down on paper.... the PENCIL has given me FREEDOM.



LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Dalila dear, I am sooooo sorry about the abuse your mother heaped upon you. She dumped her own rage onto you. You are quite expressive in your description of the bodily pain! Wow! I assume that helps with processing the abuse.
Would it be okay with you if I copy and paste your post into my journal? You have articulated what I have been unable to in all my years of therapy. 'The whistle of the belt', 'the fire burns', 'liquid fire erupts'.... you really hit the nail on the head here.
I empathize with your pain, pain that you do a better job at describing than myself. So feel free to 'journal' on this forum.
May your suffering psyche and body find peace soon.

im sorry to hear about that i can relate but im so so sorry

[b] <font color="green">I guess there is no problem with you using it that way.

Although it is prose it felt like I was writing poetry, I am not sure why. Perhaps to distance myself from the memories and the flashbacks.

I hate that the memories have so much control over me. Recently in a store, I heard a mom yelling at a crying child and flashed back again. yuk </font> [\b]

dahlia, once, when I as living with a family taking care of their kids, I had a friend who was taking advantage of my good nature and the Man of the house was trying to counsel me about it. I, from childhood conditioning, took his concern as judgement and found myself cowering, preparing for the onslaught of a stinging belt...... of course, this man would no more whip me than his own children.... it took me distance and a lot of therapy and work and making new good memories to crowd out the past to muffle the childhood reactions my limbic system programmed into me....

It gets better. )))))))))dahlia ((((((((

Hi Dahlia,

I am so sorry you had to endure this when you should have been playing carefree without a worry about protecting yourself.

Unforchantly, I totally can relate to your experiences. My mother was also brutal, I think if it wasn't for my stubborness to live, I would have died from her abuse, sometimes I think it would have been easier. I am still living with the pain, it is like it never ends, it seems like it changes us forever. I am in therapy trying to work all of this out, usually am doing fine until something triggers the memories. Hearing a mother yell at her child or threaten to spank them, makes me physically ill. I just feel so weak because I want to rescure the poor little child and I can't. It is like I freeze up. I remember feeling this even as a child.
Is your mother still alive? I am sorry I am new, so I don't know. My mother (it feels weird to even call her that), is still around and it scares the heck out of me, she has threatened to abduct my kids and everything. Just recently an aunt of mine told my mother what I have been saying, and my mom denied it all and then threatened me by saying that when she sees me next she will show me what real abuse is. This was just a month ago, so I feel the nerveness of it all again. It isn't fair that we have to go through this even as adults, it totally sucks, but lets try to be stronger then them, we know we are because we have survived. Now we just need to learn to live for the first time.

<font color="green"> You are all so kind.Thank you hillbunnyb, Lucky_13, 9874, Rhapsody, mtd, Petunia, Sabrina and all the others. I am trying to heal and I appreciate your ‘listening’ and kind responses. Y'all are my umbrella. </font>

<font color="green"> exotic flower,
I think this is a big part of my problem my mother is alive. When I was a toddler, she had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. My father came home early and caught her kicking me around the kitchen. Without his rescue, I would have died that day. She went through treatment and was judged to be safe. However, my dad was told that she didn’t remember what she had done and if she was told and remembered, she would have another breakdown. So dad and I have protected her ever since. The next few years were more about neglect than abuse. When I was 11, she divorced my dad and the abuse started up again.

I left home at 16 to marry my DH and am still with him. Over the next 20 years my mother reached out and I reached out we have a fairly decent relationship. So my brain is totally confused – fear of the mothers of my childhood and love and compassion for the one I know today.

She taught me well not to be angry and I can rarely feel anger – and usually turn it against myself. I think if I could feel the anger then I would not feel the fear as much. I think to finish the healing I have to feel anger. I am not sure if I am more scared of the memories or of feeling angry.
</font>

Wow, we have a lot in common in our situations. My mother is still alive, but we haven't had any contact for over 5 years. She isn't safe ,and still is a physical threat. I can't get a protection order against her because she hasn't harmed me yet , in the past 7 years. Even though I don't think it would help either.
As a child I was never allowed to show anger or cry or I would get it worse. My T says I need to keep my DH and my kids away from her, she is dangerous. My brother doesn't have any contact either. I understand about being scared of the memories and about being angry. But eventally it will come to a head, but give it time, and only do it when you are ready. EMDR helped me a lot, does your T do that?
It sounds like you have a good marriage, good for you! I am glad he was there for you. You were married so young, but yet if you were like me, I am sure you were way more mature than your friends because of your experiences. ((((( Dalila))) By the way, I love Dalias, I have several kinds in my garden! ;-)

I am sorry to share the club of the primary abuser being the mother. I also have strong feelings about what neglect and refusing to allow feelings does to a child, a person, a human. Mothers are so let off the hook but not by me. I tell people she is dead but she is not. However, she does not have the power to hurtme anymore. I am safe from her and I can be a loving mom and a loving caring woman. She is a decrepit old crap of a person and lives her own hell daily.

wisewomen,
I can totally relate. Some people have a very hard time believeing that a mother would do these things, they can understand fathers easier and it is more excepted than a mothers abuse. To me, my mother is also dead, and she is living her life due to her actions. I often in therapy talked about how she is out there living life, without being at least punished for what she did and my T said, believe him, she is being punished by not having you or your brother and grandkids in her life. He is right , ya know.