[Big Mama]

Hey guys. It has been a little bit since I posted anything. But something has been laying on my heart and I am not real sure what to do w/ it.

A SHORT SUMMERY: I told my H at the end of March that I was raped repeatedly before we met. I also discussed this w/ the T and our marriage was as good as over. But I stayed and was gonna try to work on things. My H was mentally and emotionally abusive, and we were just having so many issues. Our marriage was over and by telling him I had nothing to lose because our marriage was as good as over anyway.

As the months have passed things have gotten so much better. He is not longer abusive, he wants to work things out and so do I. There are still problems, thay mostly reside with me and the affects of rape and he is angry/hurt that I waited 18 years to share this w/ him.

In some ways I feel like I owe him an apology for the crap that has come along w/ me being his wife. In reality I don't owe him anything. My own husband was abusive and he is angry at me. I do not owe him an apology for my rape. That sentence alone makes no sense. But the reality is there are some serious issues and I feel like an explanation or an apology is necessary because he did not sign up for this. He is having to pay the price for what someone else did 20+ years ago. He doesn't know I pay the price daily as I live threw the memories, the night mares and the flashbacks.

I want to write my H a letter. Here is what I have so far.

Dear ________,

I would like to take a moment to apologize to you for all the things I have done to you. I know that I have totally shaken your faith in our marriage and in me. I have made you question everything you have ever done and everything you are doing. That was never my intent.

I gained the insight and got the help needed w/ the past T's we have had in our lives. Because I didn't know what to do I decided that telling you about the past may be beneficial. I never meant for it to make things worse. I am very sorry that it appears that I have been living a lie. I was not living a lie, I was living in my own personal hell and didn't want to put you in a position similar to mine. No one needs to know how another was treated, when it comes to such things as what I have told you. I know some of the things I told you were horrific. I want you to know that not telling you had little to do w/ you. I told you in the beginning what you needed to know, the bare minimum to keep me safe. Now you know the whole ugly truth. I hate that you had to ever find out, I hate that this ever happened to me, and I hate the affect it is having on us.

The things that happened so long ago has caused me to dissociate every time you touch me. It has ruined our sex life, it has ruined every since of touch that can be shared between a husband and wife. We can't even hold hands or hug because of this monster. I know it appears that I am happy and content with this. That is so far from the truth. I am not content, it is a way of life I have grown to accept. It kills me inside to know that I think that way every time you touch me, it hurts me to know that you are trying to show your love for me and I reject it every time. I know it is not right and it is not normal to be so opposed to touch. As humans we are designed to need touch. I am so incredibly sorry that the ability to love has been taken from me. I know it looks like I don't care or that I am good w/ that but I am not. I just don't know how else to be. I don't know how to accept touches, to let my guard down, and I can't make myself like something that I just don't like. I am trying to learn to be accepting but to be accepting and to be forward enough to touch you back is so much more then I can handle at the moment.

Right now I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I don't know which way to go. I want to be friendly and be accepting of your touches, I want to be available to you to talk to. I use the computer and it is not a attempt to put something in front of you, it is the only way I know to socialize that is safe, with people who who understand how I am different and how such things affect a person. It hurts me that I have to feel like I am betraying your trust and love because I use the computer. For so long you were not an active part of my life and I made friendships outside of me and you, and now I have these friends and these bonds with folks that I don't feel ready to let go. I feel bad enough as it is and freakish enough that being able to come to the computer and talk to people who have been where I have been is encouraging. I do love you but the stress I feel and the newness of all of this is overwhelming. Right now I need the computer and the friends I have made to help encourage me. I need the time to think about things and to think things threw. I have more things going on inside of me then you are aware of.

What started as an apology has turned into an explanation. I do want to apologize for any feelings of deception you have because of me, I am so sorry I am not able to receive your love or return your love. Just because I can't return it or can accept your doesn't mean I don't feel your love or love you. That would be so far from the truth. I just cant show it or accept your advances at the moment. It kills me to be so cold and unaccepting. It hurts me to see the denial in your face. It hurts me be the way I am. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. That the rape I suffered is causing you pain and suffering as well. I just want you to know I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish this never happened, I wish I never had to tell you, I wish there were nothing to tell. But there is, and I did in hope of recovering and making this better. I am hoping the truth will set me free, set us free. I just thought you should know where I stand and I am so sorry for all that has happened.

I am terrible w/ spoken words. I am at a point where I am am falling apart all the time and my emotions are not cooperating so well. So I have chosen to write this instead of say it out loud. The important thing is that I am speaking the truth with not so much volume but with just as much heart as it would be used had I been talking.

Please accept my apology.

So my question to you all is does this say what it should, does it say to much, not enough, is it stupid, is it ill written, is it as scattered as I feel? Does this sound like something that shows that I am sorry w/ out making him feel worse. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. (if for some reason you need the whole story there is a part I and a part II here in the abuse forum, feel free to look under my statistics)

[H3rmit]

Hi Big Mama -
Of your preamble, the following shouts out to me:

>In some ways I feel like I owe him an apology for the crap that has come along w/ me being his wife. In reality I don't owe him anything.

This seems to be the essence of your predicament. Then in your draft you wrote:

>What started as an apology has turned into an explanation. I do want to apologize for any feelings of deception you have because of me . . . .

How can you apologize for feelings he has? Maybe sorry you had to keep a secret, but you did have to, right? You did what you could at the time. You're sorry he was hurt by this.

It's hard to be open with someone, especially if they are abusing you. It's just plain hard for most people and in most situations, including many or most marriages.

Other than that, I can't evaluate what you wrote. I wouldn't judge it to be any of your suggested things:

>. . .does it say to much, not enough, is it stupid, is it ill written, is it as scattered as I feel?

You need to say what feels right to you. There is no perfect thing. Ideally it could be spoken, but I know how hard that is because it becomes a back and forth. Maybe you need to write and rewrite until it feels right to you. You will know, I believe.

[Squaw]

Hey..Big Mama..! I think this is a noble thing that you are trying to do for you and your husband..I have been in your situation and with men in general, I have found, that they cannot understand our side of this thing..Most of them get mad, some get sad, others feel betrayed, etc..there is no easy way to tell anyone something like what you have gone through..May God give you the strength, the words, the ability, to work through this with your husband...just reach down deep to get your help from the Lord..I know you can do this............xoxoxoxoxo Squaw

[Big Mama]

Hermit, Thank you. How can I apologize for his feelings. That makes since to me. I can't control how he feels. I feel like I am to blame for how he feels though. I think I need to keep working w/ the draft and become more confident that it says what I need it to. Thanks again.

Squaw, God is the only one who can give the stregnth and guidance I need. If at first YOU don't succeed then give it to the LORD. Why do we work that way. When we know give it to the lord and let him carry our burdens, first not as a last resort. Thank you so much for your response Squaw.

[shezbut]

Big Mama,

You have been working so hard at repairing your marriage this past year, I am amazed by your strength!

Like Hermit, I too noticed your apologies. I don't believe that you owe him so many (or any!), as you tolerated his abuse. You can apologize if you feel that you need to, for not being more open about your past. But, you seem to bring more shame to yourself in the letter, as you apologize for him now knowing the whole ugly truth. That just feels SO SAD to me. Sad for you ~ as though you are taking on so much responsibility for your marital problems. I just don't know if that's your intention...but that's what comes across to me.

It feels like you blame yourself and your rape as the culprit of dissociation during intimacy. I feel that you do explain that impulse very well. I don't know that he will be very understanding of it though. (For me, guys have acknowledged my past, but then they expect me to let go of the pain and memories. Now that they know. It doesn't work that way. Me sharing this info is to allow them insight to my behavior, not meant to be a "fix" for it.) From there, you also explain your need for understanding and insight that you are able to get from friends you've made through the computer. Perhaps your hub will understand where you're coming from through this letter. I hope that it works well for you.

Best wishes to you!

[Millitoria]

Hi Bigmama,

I think there is a big difference between saying 'I am sorry that you are feeling bad and struggling with this.' and saying 'I am sorry I made you feel bad and struggle with this.' The first is less an apology in my mine and more a way of saying that you see the effect this has had on him and are sorry (as in sympathetic) that he feels as he does. The latter is an apology and places the blame for his feelings on you. I think you are the only one who can know how you feel and what you want to say, but I think it seemed worth pointing out. It is possible to feel bad for someone and not hold the responsibility for their feelings. I hope this makes sense.

I think the parts where you explain your need to use the computer, and how difficult this is for you too are very strong, very powerful and very clear as to how you are feeling and what some of your needs are at this time.

I also think that writing it down when it's too hard to say is a very good move. Clear communication is so important, and it can be very hard to achieve. So I think your idea of a letter is a very good one.

I hope that it helps both of you, particularly I hope that it leads to greater understanding of how each other are feeling so that you can continue to work on things. And I hope your H is able to use his new found understanding to support you. This might be difficult for him, but I believe it is much harder for you.

Milli

x

[Big Mama]

I feel so very guilty. I wish I would have never told him sometimes. It has been a very long 2 or 3 months. I feel so responsible for the issues at hand. My H is quite frustrated, he tells me frequently that there is no other news I could tell him that would devastate him more. Except an affair maybe. (which there has never been one by the way) He has lost all trust in me. He says these things when he is tired, to tired to cover the truth. So when I appolgise, it is for my contribution to this, it is because I feel guilt.

I also know that it is unrational, because I didn't ask for this, and I didn't feel safe enough to tell him, but I still have this strange need to let him know somehow that I understand his frustration and I am so sorry. I didn't keep it from him on purpose. I guess by me assuming the guilt I am trying to make him feel better. It release him of the choices he made that made me be closed off in the first place. I have no self esteem, I am a people pleaser and I always put pressure on myself to make those around me feel loved and happy. I can't do that in this situation. I did the wrong and can't take it back. The wrong of telling him and being so open. When the time for honesty came I poured my heart out, 18 years worth of pain. I took great care to minimize what I needed to tell him because it was slightly gruesome. It was an absolute shock to him and I felt so guilty.

I have T tomorrow and I have a feeling that I need to show this to her before I show it to my H. I think it has things she needs to know. She has been great so far at helping deal w/ all of this stuff.

Thank you guys, Mill and Shez for your kind responses. I cannot tell you how much your insight and your input means to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[justmemaybe]

Hi Bigmama
you said
"My H is quite frustrated, he tells me frequently that there is no other news I could tell him that would devastate him more. Except an affair maybe. (which there has never been one by the way) He has lost all trust in me. He says these things when he is tired, to tired to cover the truth. So when I appolgise, it is for my contribution to this, it is because I feel guilt."

You didn't do anything wrong. You trusted him with the truth.
Its sad how when you are abused we all keep saying we are sorry over and over.
You do know its not your fault
BTw in my day I prolly say im sorry 30 to 40 times. Even sorry for the weather.

I wish you the best.

[Big Mama]

me to , I am sorry the rain made your day bad, I am sorry it is so hot outside, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It is strange how that works huh. Thank you for your kind words this morning.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

...He has lost all trust in me. He says these things when he is tired, to tired to cover the truth. So when I appolgise, it is for my contribution to this, it is because I feel guilt.

I also know that it is unrational, because I didn't ask for this, and I didn't feel safe enough to tell him, but I still have this strange need to let him know somehow that I understand his frustration and I am so sorry. I didn't keep it from him on purpose. I guess by me assuming the guilt I am trying to make him feel better. It release him of the choices he made that made me be closed off in the first place. I have no self esteem, I am a people pleaser and I always put pressure on myself to make those around me feel loved and happy. I can't do that in this situation. I did the wrong and can't take it back.

You did something wrong? I thought you kept a secret because it was the best you could do. Even married people have a right to secrets of personal hell and various other things. Sometimes it's too much to be open. I don't think you did anything wrong; you were trying to get some safety for yourself, and you deserve that.

It's great you have this "strange need." That seems like a good impulse to me, a loving one.

If he has lost ALL TRUST IN YOU that is over the top. That is an over-reaction. And certainly a sin of omission like keeping a personal secret seems not as bad as actively abusing someone. Okay, so he says this when he's tired - not thinking the clearest either. Could it be that? Losing all trust in you seems excessive and unrealistic.

FWIW it's worth, sometimes I apologize to my husband for initially reaching out to him, actually. I feel I have been a burden. Then again, so has he. I guess that's how it is. People always bring problems in the package.

[Big Mama]

Hermit, thank you. I do apologize often and I totally feel like a burden. My H is a very over the top person. He has huge hang ups about being lied to. I get no one wants to be lied to, but for him it is more of a "He Forbids Someone Lie To Him" or it is over. Our kids, me, employees, family, or anyone. He is not the most forgiving individual. His words say he has forgiven, but his body language says other wise. When he is tired and just to exhausted to lie, or sugar coat things, he is very honest and then the real individual comes out.

For me personally I am just to blond to keep up w/ a lie, and I am such a people pleaser that I can soften even the uglyest truth.

[tinyrabbit]

No, I'm sorry, you shouldn't be apologising for what life has thrown at you, or how you've survived it. If my husband told me a secret now, I'd be glad he trusted me with it rather than focusing on how he didn't tell me before.

Your say your husband is having to pay the price for something someone else did. I call BS. You are paying the price. He is having to support you (or not) in that. That is NOT about him, as hard as it may be.

Don't apologise for "living a lie". You weren't living a lie, you were simply not ready to talk about it.

Your letter made me very sad. Have you ever thought that you would have less trouble with intimacy, and find it easier to relax and trust your husband, if he hadn't abused you and if he didn't make you feel bad for confiding in him? Have you ever thought that he's contributing to those issues, they're not just happening to him?

I'm really sorry, but you should not be apologising to this man.

[Big Mama]

I do have issues w/ intimacy, It is partly due to the rape, it is partly due to my H's own abuse of me, and it is as I am learning threw T, what ever disorder it is when you are ignored as a child, not held or given attention. Reactive something disorder. Like a child who was raised in an over crowded orphanage. Forget what it is called. I find no saftey in touch, I let no on help me, I do everything for myself by my self and an surprised that someone could care about my needs. I have had my parents to show me I am correct, the man who raped me, and my H who said he loved me. No wonder I don't want people touching me. Thank you tinyrabbit . I like your words that follow your name under your avitar. I hate therapists vacations to.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I get no one wants to be lied to, but for him it is more of a "He Forbids Someone Lie To Him" or it is over. Our kids, me, employees, family, or anyone. He is not the most forgiving individual. His words say he has forgiven, but his body language says other wise. When he is tired and just to exhausted to lie, or sugar coat things, he is very honest and then the real individual comes out.

So, he lies but no one else can. Interesting. Sounds like a strange kind of black and white thinking. A clear picture involves many shades of grey.

Forgiveness is a Christian virtue, and some people are more Christian than others.

[Big Mama]

Oh Hermit that is so true. He can use the truth to his advantage at his convience but I am not allowed to do the same. He is just as guilty of lieing as anyone. We all aim to do good but we all fall short of the glory of God. No one is perfect, and one day we will be judged by the same hand in which we judge others. I feel sorry for him. That is not gonna be pleasant, I would know.

Very strange how Christians choose just how much christian they choose to posess. My H is a deacon in our church. He thinks he is the most Godly guy ever and he lives a near perfect life. Oh man. I am Christian and struggle every day to do what is right and be more humble then the day before.

[madworld88]

Ok you said:
"But the reality is there are some serious issues and I feel like an explanation or an apology is necessary because he did not sign up for this"

This jumped out at me because you mentioned that he was emotionally abusive -did you sign up for that? He had some issues too if he was emotionally abusive.

Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault.

[adam_k]

I don't think you want to appologize so much as you want him to understand you. It sounds like you feel some guilt over your inabilities or difficulties in some aspects you feel should be part of your mariage, I.e. sex, touching and physical love.

I know what you went hough was very difficult and it must feel like bell all over again reliving the experiencence by telling your husband and therapist about them. I hope it talking about it provides you some healing and it gives your husband some insight what is going on with you and what you need from him, that he hasn't been doing for 18 years.

Try not to think of what is owed and how much blame each person has for the problems that exist. Try to figure out how to better give each other what you want out of your marriage and mend the damage that has happened.

I think you have a lot of strength to endure what has happened to you by an awful person, and then to be in a difficult releationship for 18 years on top of that. It is much more than I could have endured. My thoughts go out to you, and I hope things get into a place where you can feel blessed by your life and people in it.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

My H is a deacon in our church. He thinks he is the most Godly guy ever and he lives a near perfect life.

I'm not a Christian, but I've heard of "Pride goeth before the fall." I guess the common version of that is the bigger they are the harder they fall.

Well, I know you are on a journey to improve your life, and it looks like you are doing the hard work. <-- Instead of the more usual hug, since you don't like being touched.

[Big Mama]

Hermit, Thanks for the instead of the usual hug. Virtual or not doesn't cause an issue. Real life ones certinly do.

Adam, You are so right in everything you said. I guess I need to figure out a way to talk to my H. I am not used to talking to him. I am at a crumble and fall apart point in my life right now. Hormones, nerves, cuting back on meds, life , who knows why. I as sharing this w/ T tomorrow. Hopefully she will have insight on how to communicate this.

[adam_k]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Hermit, Thanks for the instead of the usual hug. Virtual or not doesn't cause an issue. Real life ones certinly do.

Adam, You are so right in everything you said. I guess I need to figure out a way to talk to my H. I am not used to talking to him. I am at a crumble and fall apart point in my life right now. Hormones, nerves, cuting back on meds, life , who knows why. I as sharing this w/ T tomorrow. Hopefully she will have insight on how to communicate this.

Talking things out in therapy may help you be able to talk things out with him. At least that is what my therapist tells me. I think she is right. I hope your session goes well. Take care of yourself.

[Big Mama]

Thanks Adam, The T can help me with what I am really trying to say. To validate and not apologize and all that good jazz I am not so good at. I am terrible with saying what I need to say, I know in my heart what I feel and what I want to say but it just never comes out right. I'm just a little lost, confused and hurt at the moment.

[adam_k]

I'm that way too. I feel such intense emmotions it is hard to verbalize them. I usually have to think about them a lot to understand and talk about. I mean for sensitive subjects or deeply personal things. Sometimes I wish I could just pack it all into an Easter egg and just give it to someone to let them experince what I feel.

My advice is to give yourself time and work on it in therapy. I've talked about sensitive subject of my own to a few people and it gets easier each time. It is progress and it takes time and effort. I have faith in you.

[Big Mama]

Adam, thanks, it is nice to know I am not alone in having what I need to say get stuck. I don't know if it is a PTSD thing or, A fight flight or freeze thing, or a a so afraid you are gonna screw up thing.

[adam_k]

For me it is a security thing. I don't like to feel vulnerable or exposed, so I tend to keep my true feelings inside. I was really shy when I was younger and it was mostly anxiety back then, but I worked through that.

With sharing my feelings, I tend to not trust a lot of people on that level. I mean beyond the everyday annoyances and things like that. It makes me wonder what kind of messed up childhood I must have had to be afraid to share how I feel. I don't remember anything too terrible, but then again I don't remember anytime in my childhood where I did feel supported or ok with talking about how I feel. I think I was told a lot how I should feel or my family walked over my needs. I think that is why I am the way I am.

I think the good thing that came from that is a am self reliant and motivated on my own.

[Big Mama]

Well I just got back from T. I am so relived I went. We talked about things and I showed her the letter I was working on. She wants to start seeing my H more on a individual basis instead of just me and couples every now and again. Me feeling guilty for how he feels is counter productive. He has a process he needs to go threw as well to live with what I have told him. I have had 22+ years to set with what has happened to me and he has had 2 months to sift threw the fact that someone abused his wife and stole a gift from her and from him as well. And he was not ever there.

He goes Tuesday and I go Thursday. Now we just gotta figure out how to pay for this. T says she will give us a price break. We are trying to make our marriage better not worse by struggling w/ money.