Bipolar check-in #48

I don't really know what's wrong with me. Yesterday, I kept crying and was really anxious. I was hoping it was just "one of those days," since surprisingly I had been managing okay over the past week or two. Well, today is the worst I've felt in the past month. My mind keeps racing, I am so anxious that it is hard to function at my job, I keep thinking of different scenarios. For instance, I am preoccupied with thoughts that my pdoc and therapist are talking about me behind my back and that it will affect my medication. I don't think I ever signed a release for either one of them to talk though, but I keep thinking that they are doing this anyway. I am so nervous about it. I hope this isn't likely.

Thanks, fern. I don't hear much about this on the board, so, thought maybe was alone or something. Yeah, the key coping thing here is not to let myself get carried off by i it. Otherwise, I get commands and start trying to keep up with them all and it's Bad News Bears. Or, decide I am Jesus again maybe or something.

So, simple distraction is good. Kitten. TV. Read. Clean. No deep pondering allowed. Super careful to try not to have any visions.

All counsel is welcome.

Thanks guys for the ongoing support

Our Doctor changed his Diabetes medication but hes also concerned that his copd is progressing and hes not getting enough oxygen and also not getting carbon dioxide out of his system which can cause cognitive problems and this anger. So more tests and a sleep study despite Covid concern is needed.

Steve hasn't Driven since our trip home from Florida at Christmas, Its not been safe for him to drive health wise and the Doctors agree... I told him driving home Id like to pretty much not really talk about anything because he gets upset and raises his voice or yells and I just cant handle anymore, He started to raise his voice .. I said right here???? right now?? I can not deal with it please stop ! UGH

I swear one day I will have something positive to report on here

You're not alone. I call it star syndrome or savior complex when my brain wants to think that I can heal the world. I dig a lot into various religious and spiritual texts and start to identify with archetypes. I'm a lady, so I tend to lean more the way of Mary Magdalene, but I hear you and know exactly why you gotta get off that train before it leaves the station.

I think for me it is my subconscious that sees that I need to grow in a particular way and instead of me realizing how I need to evolve, I project it outwardly onto my world by thinking I need to fix others. It has happened twice, but that's the best explanation I have.

Simple distraction is somewhat good for me, but when I keep it simple my brain overlays a secondary layer of thought on top of it. I found this time around learning something new required me to focus more and kept me from autopiloting tasks while trying to save myself or everyone or whatever the goal of that adventure is in my brain. Its certainly a special blend of delusional thought and I believe it is attractive to our brains because we care so much. Big hearts are normally a great thing, but I need to learn to realize when mine shifts from unconditional to agenda pushing delusional savior complex town.

I keep feeling like there's some big problem I'm meant to solve. Existentially speaking I don't think there is. I think I'm simply meant to navigate the labryinth that is my own mind. I keep looking out when I need to look in. Good times!

Feeling flat but functional. Having a boring day so far and it’s not even midday.
The hospital I go into ip is running a 12 week program for anxiety and depression. It’s not group therapy as such. Rather it is weekly psych education sessions - I’m hoping to learn some new tools to manage this debilitating anxiety of mine. I had a massive panic attack on Sunday night, the first in 2 weeks that required Valium and Zopiclone to sleep. I’m now usually able to manage my panic attacks with prayer, meditation and my weighted blanket.

(((Christina))) I’m sorry to hear that Steve is still so unwell.

Hugs to those who need or want them.

I'm still riding my bike everyday.

I'm still depressed and I don't feel any different so far. I guess I need to treat cycling like a new med and wait for weeks before I know whether it's making a difference.

Thanks Pookyl One day I swear Ill have good news !

That program sounds wonderful I hope that you can find many things that you can incorporate into your life to find more stability long term

For how many minutes at what speed? It should not take long at all for some brain benefit, way faster than meds usually, for me, anyhoo. Both mood and cognition benefit.

Right. Exactly. And I get ideas of reference from movies and stuff and start thinking all these shows are just for me and la ya ya!! Gets soooo out of control super fast. It has almost cost me my life, twice. So, gotta stay on it.

I wonder why more folks don't share about this. Or maybe it is just us or something.

Anyway, thanks for your support, fern. I am so grateful for all your help over the months. Thank you so much.

I cannot sleep. As usual. I have cracked. I saw my mom today and she is in a bad way. She is so exhausted after work that she barely makes any sense. But she cannot stop working because she has health concerns that she needs insurance for. She is not old enough to retire and get on Medicare. I fear she is going down the same path toward dementia as my grandfather has. She is very confused at times and struggles to find the right words. She can’t remember to pay bills or get to appointments without the automatic text reminders. She is so utterly exhausted all the time, I fear she is working herself to death. I so wish I could help her. But there is literally nothing I can do.

I’m completely broken. I’m remembering everything that went on in our childhood, how difficult things were for my brother and my hand in that. Realizing how awful my husband treated me and how I just let it happen because I was so desperate to be out of my house. It’s all too much. It’s on my mind every single moment that I have to myself. I distract myself by reading and watching tv, but as soon as things are quiet my mind is reeling, spinning and ruminating over what was and what should have been.

I know it will take time to process. This is all coming up now because I finally feel safe. I’ve been so stoic and so strong because I’ve had no one to care for me. I’ve had to care for myself since I was ten years old. My husband loved me, but the responsibility of the relationship was on me. And now, I finally have someone who can take care of me when I’m not myself. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who lets me be myself. I avoided hospitalization this year for the first time ever because I felt like I didn’t have to hide who I was. I didn’t have to be ashamed of my depression. I didn’t have to go just to hide away from life.

I love RS so much. For everything he’s done for me. I will not use him as my therapist, but I know that he will take care of me as I navigate all of this. For the first time in 33 years, I am not alone.

I hope I will be able to sleep soon. I will definitely be going out and getting a journal tomorrow.

I’m just so glad I’m safe.

Hugs, wfc!!!

Okay, well, good news and bad news. Bad news is there is trouble. Good news is I have finally recognized it.

Was lying in bed meditating when I began having thoughts from 15 years ago when very ill. Thoughts about how I basically have two different brains with this bipolar. 2 different IQs. 2 different personalities. Memories of weird exam scores. 2 of everything. And I do basically believe all that. 2 different lives. But, when I identified all this years ago, I was also very manic. So, I am extremely manic. Not euphoric, not dysphoric. But my brain is clearly in a very different state right now. So, gotta be careful. Ideas of reference, hyperreligious, etc.

Anyhoo, just putting it out there. Gonna need some help to be sure nothing terrible happens. I have had bad things go down when manic. Gotta tell pdoc.

Hugs and love to all.

Got two hours of sleep thanks Ativan. My pdoc appt cant get here quick enough. Just one more week. Storms today and I know that's going to escalate things.

I feel flat. Don't like these tranquillisers.

That is EXACTLY what happens to me with music and shows. Then people will say things that feel connected and then I feel afraid and panic. I describe it like my world turns inward on me... Or if you've ever seen the Truman show.

It definitely progresses super fast. I told my therapist it is like when I have babies. It is precipitous.

It cannot be just us. I've seen people here with patterns that are loosely related, but we do seem to have pretty much exactly the same thing going on. Strange. That gives me hope though and data to use when my brain is going weird on me. I can remember it is a pattern of being unwell and others with brains like mine experience it as well. That helps pull me out of it enough to get help.

Thanks to you as well. I feel much less alone now.

2 brains. That is an insightful way to describe it. Now that I think of it, my mom had two episodes like these. She kept calling herself a two headed llama.

Some pretty great thoughts came forward and I was processing information on another level altogether. I wrote a lot of it down for later when I have some distance when can process it properly. While I appreciate the insightful flow of ideas, the ideas of reference where I see what is happening inside my mind everywhere are frightening. The synchronicity gets to a certain level and its just too much. Time kinda stops.

I'm so glad you've decided to get help. You're jumping on it at the right time. I hope he gets back to you asap. Sending supporting vibes your way and hoping they can give you something to cool the fire in your brain. Holler if you need anything. I'm a week or so on the other side of it. You'll come through ok. Hang in there good buddy.

Called my pdoc's office they're trying to worksomething out .. I hope someone cals later today and gives me the go ahead to increase my tegretol. I'm starting to get to the "I canst stand this point" where I'm screaming into pillows and punching ****.

depressed, depressed, depressed

nothing going on today

I'm fairly certain I heard a mouse in my trashcan this morning. I basically threw something in the trashcan and then lifted up the trash bag so that the trash would settle toward the bottom and I could fit one other thing in it. Then I heard some kind of squeaking...? Or at least it sounded like it when I lifted the trash bag. F*** ME.

I ran out with the trash so damn fast that I was wearing my PJs, but who cares. I needed to get that trash OUT in case there was a mouse in it!

My place is a mess, but it's mostly cardboard and various other things scattered, so I'm going to do some organization and then throw a lot of cardboard away. Who knows if mice are hanging out in the cardboard. Little bastards...

I'm taking a vacation day at work to do this. I can't deal with mice, even though I think they're cute and adorable.

I ride at about 13mph for 30 minutes. It's a pretty intense workout and I get my heart up to 140bpm for about 20 minutes of the workout.

I'm thinking of lowering the intensity a little and extending the time I ride, but still keeping my heart rate up around 140.

I think I’m ok bipolar wise. It’s just difficult to tell with all this massive pain I have going on right now. But I don’t have any throat anxiety and when I have that then it means my bipolar symptoms are out of whack. My therapist says she’s noticed a difference since the increase in Geodon. And so have I. Just this pain is outrageous. I’m trying to get into see a doctor but I callEd over an hour ago and I haven’t heard back. My regular one is out on leave. My cat who usually ignores me was very affectionate this morning and was nudging up against my arm and trying to climb on me. I’ve read they do that when humans are sick. They can sense it or something. Some can even detect cancer.

Yes, thank you. The fear. That is what convinced me. Fear of my own thoughts, of my brain's duality and simultaneous synchronicity, as you so aptly put it. It is terrifying to realize I am not who I really think I am. I am two different someones. Two lives. DID-ish, in a sense. Spooky. I am not in cotrol of my faculties. I never was. Something else is.

That is awesome. I wonder what would hapeen at 45 minutes, say.

Okay, now I am freaking out. The cable bill is 600 dollars. Apparently, I bought like 15 full seasons of all these shows--and watched them all or something. Wonder what else I did. Uh oh.

whatever2013 has actually motivated me to finally get back to a Fitness and Weight Loss journey that I started about two and a half years ago. It was going great back then, but then "Poof!" stopped after about 23 weeks. In the middle of that time, I went on vacation (always a challenge for losing weight), but got back to the effort upon return. The same situation may happen again. This time must be different. I have some major motivators to get started again, plus my spouse is fully onboard. In fact, my spouse is actually ahead of me.

First step: Put catsup and mustard on the remaining peanut butter in the jar, then throw it away.

Done as of 11:30 am