Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

It was a cold rainy day. I went to my nephew’s house. My daughter, grandkids and sister and bil was there plus a couple of relatives of my nephew’s wife. But man the food. There was enough to feed an army.

The kids went out hunting Easter eggs in the rain. Poor things got soaked. But they had fun.

I had to come home early as my hearing aid battery died and I didn’t have a spare. There a funny story on me trying to get there on time but I kept haveing to get back in the elevator and come back to my apartment to get various things like the address, my phone, my rain coat. And still I forgot batteries! I think I’d forget my head if it weren’t attached.

I slept for 7 hours, which is huge!

How's this for an interesting conversation:

-are you going to vote? (We're having elections in Canada this week)

Me: I don't think so, I'm not interested. Besides, we already know who's going to win.

- what?! It's your duty!
- go vote!
- you should vote!

Me: (stupidly) no, I'm good

- people would die to vote
- you need to vote, it's just down the street from you. I'll come with you

Me: (again, stupidly) Thanks, I'm good. I don't see the point.

- there is a point
- vote (this party)
- that's terrible that you're not voting. Go with him to make sure he votes!

Me: ( getting smarter) Ok I'll vote

- great, I'll come with you
- let's discuss who you voted for and then discuss more politics

Me: (on voting day, leaves the ballot blank. At least they can't see what I did) I voted for (party)!

- yay!

What a bunch of BS.

I feel pretty down right now. I'm guessing its just withdrawels. Or my Nyquil getting out of my system. I had energy to do stuff. My room is cleaner then its been in awhile. I just feel like I'm missing something. Everything just feels the same.

It was for sure the Nyquil getting out of my system. I'm coughing and feeling fatigued and all that again. I can't take another dose for a couple hours.

I know its rude but I hope my mom gets this cold too because I've heard colds and stuff can be the start of more serious things.

Tonight after watch a heartbreaking episode of call the midwife I remembered Dark Winds was on and watched that instead of Watson. Very, good. The scenery is amazing and the music is good too. Now I want to see all three seasons. Just a bit disappointing the leaphorn isn’t quite as described in the books. But chee is on point.

@Blueberrybook yes, I took the extra 12.5 mg of seroquel last night and will be again tonight.

Ended up going out for a drive today. It was nice enough to drive with the windows down for most of it so it allowed me to get out for a bit and get some fresh air while resting my foot. Tomorrow is my last day on break. I plan on sleeping in and then I'll assess what I want/need to get done. One thing I absolutely need to do is review my lesson plans so I am ready to teach Tuesday. It's hard to believe there is only one month of school left!

Good morning, I slept well last night, around 8.5 hr. Still felt a bit groggy when I got up though. Managed a power walk, wasn't as much of a sludge as yesterday, but it started raining the last 0.5 mi which had me jogging home. I managed a shower, thank goodness as power walking in 95% humidity in 77F weather is a sweaty, hot walk indeed.Now it is dark as night outside, rain is imminent, and I have a curbside pickup at 9 AM, which they will likely notify me of in around 30 min. Why do I always pick rainy days for curbside pickup? And it's a fairly large order too.

After getting groceries put away, I'll do the usual: breakfast, read with the SAD lamp (reading a good book so that's nice), try drawing though sometimes doing drawing after things like grocery pickup makes it a bit harder on me not sure why.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Monday!

There’s a resident group today, but including me only 3 people signed up last I checked. I managed to sleep in my bed last night. Im actually really tired and laying in it now. Keep thinking I feel things crawling on me and biting me, but I don’t see any new bites or actual bugs. I probably just need to put lotion on. I fell asleep in the lobby waiting for meds this morning. The nurse asked why I am so tired. Not at all because I’ve gone like two months without really eating or sleeping much… that’s not it.

I went for a little walk this morning. It was nice out, mid 30’s. Going to reach the 60’s though.

It’s hard to imagine things being worth these not fun feelings though. It’s not like they good times ever last as long.

Hugs, Nammu. Proof Im a colder fish than i thought. Not good. I just kept thinking "plot device" thruout the whole episode. Plus i missed the first part due to my stupid antenna, so maybe that would have helped me suspend disbelief. Still, an excellent episode as always.

Thats comparing rutabagas and oranges.

You know, :Sing: "you gotta eliminate the negative, accentuate the positive."

Religious content trigger

Good morning all. I went to the food pantry today. I’m just listening to music now and enjoying the morning with my cats. Hope you all are doing well today I feel really good. In a great mood. I haven’t missed a night of sleep in a week or so. The adjustments my psychiatrist made have helped a lot. No more racing thoughts. Less impulsive. Feeling good and stable.

Not really comparing. Just saying I don’t want to deal with this right now, and people are going to say “better times have come and will come again,” but I want all this over with now. I don’t want to figure out how to feel safe sleeping again, figure out how to eat again, just to be able to get back up to my “baseline” of “only” passively suicidal most the time.

I don’t want to talk to my case manager talk later about how great I’m doing right now either because I haven't yet inflicted damage that needs stitches or naloxone or activated charcoal and that I put the outlet plates on all by myself and made my bed. Yeah, it was an achievement, but she’s going to miss the point that it was an achievement because I do want to inflict that kind of damage and I had to take so many breaks just making the bed and doing the outlets to not get frustrated with weak muscles and shaky hands and feeling like I would pass out every time I moved too quickly because I am not doing well.

Went on a just over 5 mile walk this morning no problem because I had a protein bar yesterday and a bottle of Pedialyte (it also was a nice mid 30’s temp out which was way better than the probably 80’s it would've been in the apartment during the day too), but I have worn myself out doing that shyt.

I don’t think I can eliminate the negative. A lot of it is already “gone” and the trauma is now just haunting my body like some kind of ghost, the rest is taking so long to get rid of. Like moving a mountain by shoveling it bit by bit somewhere less in the way. Then there’s always more that just comes along and sets up shop without permission.

How do I accentuate the positive more though? I’m trying to appreciate my living space, but it feels invaded right now. I’m trying to take it back and make myself feel at he again at a slightly faster than comfortable pace. I have the dogs at the shelter that I have to get better so I can go and take care of them, and do my shadowing and jazz, but I know that, just can’t accentuate it I guess. I’m grateful for the location of my apartment building which is super convenient, even though its not the safest part of the city, the building itself is decked out with cameras and locks on both the outsides and at every door and plenty of rules that get people kicked out and police come down here in a hurry over other places because a lot of us have histories on every side of the story. I guess it’s cool to be surrounded by such unique people who have survived more than most can say they have who are, for the most part, willing to help their neighbor out in whatever way they can.

I am thinking of ditching my CM today though.

@Blueberrybook I’m trying to use your tip of not focusing on the dissociation when it happens. I’m currently dissociating. So I did the dive reflex Tipp DBT skill and am now gonna clean while trying not to overly obsess about how I feel, the floaty foggy feeling of dissociating. Hopefully it helps calm it down. For a bit I was focusing on it and it was just causing me to have a panic attack.

Nightmare curbside grocery pickup in the pouring rain. The workers were not allowed to bring out carts and load the cars while it was lightning, which had gone on over half an hour by that point. They did let cars drive to the pickup door and people load groceries themselves, which I finally did in the lightning and pouring rain because I had to pee so bad, I couldn't wait any longer. Got soaked, got soaked bringing in groceries. Put everything away.

Adreline is racing. Going to try to calm down and read with the SAD lamp. Have breakfast too.

I had my own copy of Little Women that I saw specs on and was too paranoid to keep so tossed and just borrowed a copy from the library to pick up where I left off. The walk wasn’t too bad. The nurse from my PCPs office called and they’re sending in a script for a twice a day potassium supplement for me to take and they want me to keep drinking pedialyte and eating bland foods to not let my glucose get too low. Repeat labs next Monday.

I guess I can’t ditch my case manager if I have to ask her if I’m allowed to pick up my own potassium pill or if I have to wait for them to put that in with my bubble packs. I already called and left a message asking, but knowing her she’s going to make me wait to see her. I could call the pharmacy directly, but they’ll probably be like, “you have to discuss that with the people that monitor your meds.”

3:00am and I said stuff it and got out of bed and made coffee.

Been lying in bed WIDE awake since 2:00am.

I knew this would happen on my first day back after 2 weeks off.

It’s the nerves of trying to remember what I’m teaching today and wondering how many tricky classes I have.

This is going to be a fun day *insert sarcasm*

I slept about 11 hours and I turned on the news and watched it for a bit. I made a healthy breakfast. Worked out on my treadmill for 10 minutes. Did 500 reps with my ab roller. And made a healthy lunch. Now I'm listening to music.

It feels great to have energy after almost being off the Prestiq. But I do feel a bit down in the dumps. Nothing that bad right now. But I'm feeling the withdrawels a bit. They aren't crazy bad like I heard they would be.

I have found the most perfect venue for our elopement! And it’s available on 9 April 2026. Looks like I’m definitely getting married 💖🌹

I wish I didn’t go to the stupid residents group today. I can’t even pretend I’m kind of okay, they did a mindfulness exercise involving eating chocolate (obviously I didn’t participate and I still felt sick), and now I just want to lay down and cry, except I can’t because laying down involves thinking I’m (or actually, theres no way I can tell right now) getting my shytty, potassium-lacking, low in sugar, acidic blood sucked on by maybe specs of dust maybe insects that are going to be the reason everyone in this building hates me in a week.

Congrats! that’s awesome!

Hugs Muddy I’m sorry you’re struggling

I managed to pull myself out of the dissociation and panic attack by first doing the dive reflex Tipp DBT skill then throwing myself into household chores and painting. I’m feeling ramped up now though, I’m in a really good mood but am ironically having racing thoughts now, ironic because I just mentioned how I how they have mostly stopped. I’m just relaxing now and trying to slow down.

I am feeling so stressed out. Nothing has gone to order the way it normally does. Not even the 50 mg Seroquel is helping. God, I wish I still has klonopin! I want to try to draw, but I'm not optimistic I'll produce anything worthwhile.

Ugh, had to walk down all the cement steps to get to my car. When I was done with errands I had to park back down there! Oh that trip up. Usually if just hurts my back but now I’m short of breath too. I know why now, I’m anemic again. The shortness of breath happened last time too. Bought very good quality vitamins. 100% of most things and 1000% of B vitamins . Iron though isn’t very high so I have my extra iron 3x a week.

Wanted chewables vitamins but they didn’t come in high doses nor with the complete list. So I hope I can swallow this. Vitamins are so big that’s why I stopped taking them.

Sorry for everyone struggling. muddy, be gentle on yourself. You NEED the calories and you don't need to be taking 5 mi walks right now. You have got to practice self-care even if it may seem the hardest thing in the world right now. Better times can come... I know you don't want to hear that, but I was ready for sui in late November and have really turned a corner in that regard.

@Nammu sorry about the steps that really sucks! I hope the iron pills help with your iron. If not, you may need a higher dose (or if that it is too constipating) an actual iron infusion. (I had a couple of those over the years.

@Blue_Bird Glad you have gotten out of the dissociation, but racing thoughts, ugh! I'm having some of those myself this afternoon.

@Crazy Hitch I eloped for my wedding too. Best decision I could have made, and I wouldn't go back and change a thing!

As for me, I'm scattered this afternoon. Can't really settle. Drew 3 pics (in the creative corner) but nothing turned out right. I feel like I am stuck in fight or flight mode and just can't get out of it no matter what I do. I really, really need something to calm down. I think I'll see if I still have chamomile tea.

muddy if you HAVE to walk. You have to eat. 1 protein bar does NOT sustain 5 mi of walking, and you know that. If you're going to walk on one protein bar, 1 mi should be your limit. Though it is my opinion you really, really should not exercise at all. I was passed out on the side of the road doing that on too little food. Lucky I didn't get run over. Your body burns extra calories when it is exercising in the cold same as with in the hot. It is almost to me as if you are doing everything possible to hinder a recovery. You really need to find help and quickly. You cannot keep this up.

I'm not trying to be harsh; I am just very concerned for you.