Why are you alive? ((suicidal/depression trigger!))

Why do you choose to live?
What motivates you to make an effort in life?
Why do you get out of bed in the morning?
Do you WANT to live?

I didn't know where to put this, so I figured I'd ask my fellow bipolars.
I'm not depressed or suicidal; I mean just in general. I went through something yesterday, and I realized that my motivation and drive was taking away from me. You can read it here http://lifenotworking.blogspot.com/2...-life-for.html (not trying to promote my blog, it's just easier than copy&pasting it in here).

I don't want to die, but I don't understand why I should live either.

Have any of you felt like this?

Hi theama, god, I feel like this all the time! As I got older and more tired of the battle, I went on an existential mission. Why am I here? What does my existence mean? Is it all worth it? Don't have an answer. Just looking for some peace. Not suicidal either but wouldn't mind if god in his infinate wisdom arranged a small accident. Very, very tired.

Hi there,
I was reading up on your blog about some of your issues.
It sounds like your meds are not right.
If you take lamictal the recommended maintanance dose is 200mg. that is the recommended dose.
The dose goes up from that as needed for unstable moods....for example my pdoc just increased mine to 250mg because I was having mixed episodes, hypomania and self loathing in the same day....
I obcess alot.
I also take geodon, an atypical,(it is weight neutral) normally I take 40mg at night as a maintenance dose but since I am hypomanic she has increased it to 80mg at night and 40mg during the day.
It helps with the obcessive thoughts...
and I was glued to the internet, life was getting unbalanced.
I am bipolar 1.
I also take .5mg of klonipin to help me sleep at night which works thankfully.

ARe you taking an anti depressant? I can't because they make me manic. Lamictal is great because it has anti depressant qualities and this is why your dose must start at 200mg.

I don't know how old you are but I have been having an identity crisis this past few weeks, very self critical and loathing, crying over low self esteem issues, wondering about my life and how I can make more sense of it.
all of this intense over analyzing is part of my mania, it became my project the object of my attention.
When I get like this I can obcess about anything and make it my project...does this make sense?
keep posting
I know how hard it is....I do understand.
You are not alone.
Feel free to PM anytime.
bizi

I have all the same questions.

But it sounds like you just broke up from a relationship you had high hopes of. That is bound to make those thoughts far more intense. It undoubtedly feels like life is more hopeless right now, but hopefully the intensity will lift over time. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks on top of all the usual struggles.

Hey. I'm sorry you are feeling like that. There is hardly any useful advice I can give youo.. but at least I'll try to briefly answer some questions.

I'm not making a choice to live.. I'm just not doing anything to stop living, which is good.. they say. I would click "no" if there was this windows-like yes/no question every morning at 600AM, but there is none.
Nothing motivates me to make an effort in life - I just follow my checkpoints. You know.. Sleep-Work-Sleep-Repeat scenario because everything else causes trouble. I don't think - I just do.
I have to get out of the bed every morning to go to the toilet ,then stop my headache - coffee does the job, then I'm trying to work to keep myself busy.
Yes, deep inside I want to live, but definitely not like this. Not even close.

Yes, I remember the feeling. Unfortunately my question is much more specific now.

i am bipolar 1. i feel this way often. i am on 120mg of cymbalta and 160mg of geodon. i feel like the nine inch nails song "every day is exactly the same" i get up do the same thing day in and day out. i have a family which makes it hard to isolate but i prefer to stay alone. this is most of the time, not necessarily right now. i went to group therapy for a month twice a week 4 hours a day. and at first i thought what is the point. i basically did it to keep from being sent inpatient. but it almost feels like you get stuck in a rut. make it a goal to do at least one thing out of your routine a day. what i did was to take a different route to work. that did help. it doesn't answer the question about the purpose of living but it helps change the monotony of life. sometimes it feels like i am a machine repeating the same boring program every day. no logic, just programming. eat, sleep, work, repeat. next thing you know 10 years have gone by.

your question: what motivates me to live? sometimes nothing. that is why i am on meds. that is why i went to group therapy and see a therapist. sometimes it does seem hopeless. but you know what, that is your illness. what you are experiencing is a symptom. try to separate yourself from your illness. recognize that this is happening because you do not have enough seretonin or whatever the heck you need to feel pleasure. i have been journaling a lot lately. that helps me but everyone is different. do one thing for yourself and yourself only. i used to love to do sudoko and crosswords and jigsaw puzzles. i stopped doing that for a year. because my illness had me thinking what is the point. try to remember what you were like when you were not down and do something you havent' done in a long time. i bought a jigsaw puzzle after my t suggested it. it took me 6 weeks to get it out of the box and i still haven't even put the border together but it is there waiting on me. i did make one step. just try to make one step and take one day at a time. i'm so sorry for rambling but i can relate to your pain so well. and it feels so horrible to have such an apathetic mood about life. it physically hurts to be in mental anguish. feel free to message me. i hope i have helped at least even a little bit. remember get through today first. then tackle tomorrow when it comes.

That is a great psot!
thank you.
It is like living in a box, and not sure how to get out of it or if you want to even try for it is safe and secure there.
although there is no room for growth the comfort of the box keeps you there....I think being over medicated can keep us in that box.
Have you ever read who moved my cheese?
bizi

This is a great question. I guess for me its HOPE. Hope that one day or a series of days i can be happy. I have a mom in my life who loves me, and a great group of people and friends here at pc to keep me smiling.

Take Care

Colleen

I also find hope is the answer. Sometimes it's hope that the a treatment or maybe even a cure . Other time I don't know what hope is, but it's enough to keep me alive.

I worry one day it won't be enough, but I keep on keeping on.

i'm not bipolar, but i've lived with this question for many years of my life. pain and depression have been around for me since i was about 7 years old.

at 18 i wanted to end the pain and i wanted to live and thankfully i encountered God in a way that was the first light in the dark room of my life. 37 years later that light still shows me the way one small step at a time.

God is the answer to my question of why i am still alive. he is not the answer in any slick, superficial way. he has offered life to me and kept me going. he has lead me to various healers and doctors and people who have been a part of my story and my solution.

i'm alive not because it is such a riot of fun and wonder, but because i matter. with all my flaws, damage and pain i am alive because it is important to God that i am still in this world. i don't understand a lot of things. i'm not powerful or clever. but i am here because it matters to God and to a few people like my dad, my husband and my daughters and some other people who need me to be here - even though i am broken.

my moods fluctuate and so does my level of struggle. some days i still do not "want" to live because my pain is overwhelming. there are days i do not want to get out of bed and only do it because someone is coming home that night and will need dinner. but just as often as my hope fades and dies somehow it gets re-animated. i attribute that to God because i don't have what it takes to bring things back to life.

i believe you are alive because you matter to God and to some people - even though some days you wish that you could just not be here. there are reasons you are alive and the most important reason is because you matter.

leslie

(dx include mpd/did; ptsd; bpd; depression; chronic pain)

I am here because I have seen my Dad deal with his brother's suicide, as well as my cousin 3 years ago, and being a Daddy's girl, I just won't do that to him. Also I have a son and I don't want him growing up with the shadow of that following him. I am twisted enough, he doesn't need it too.

But I can tell you, that is the only thing stopping me most days. Although really, even killing myself seems like it would take too much effort.

I want to thank theama for this thread. And everyone else for answering.
I thank all of you because it makes me think about what I've been fighting this hole year, that is, to find reasons enough to make me feel I should be alive. Somehow my mind has decided I should not live and be better off dead.
The good thing is I have the loving care of my family who hasn't let my mind decide about this.
So, for now, my mind is sick and I can't answer your question but I keep looking. Please keep replying.

I am alive because of my dd, but now I think that I have done more harm than good being here. She is the only reason I get out of bed and try to do and be better...if it were not for her I would give it up tomorrow!

Now that I think about it a bit more, my family does have a big impact, but I am alive because I can function. I believe I was going to reach the point where I couldn't function at all, it might drive me to the edge. I don't know what I would.

my mom died when my daughters were 10 and 5. my abuse issues with her just seemed to blow up in my mind and i wanted to die to be out of pain.

i kept thinking of my girls and husband and even people around us. i knew they would all ask things like, "is it my fault?" "is there something i should have done or not done?"
"why? why? why? why? why? why?......." "how could she do this to me?" "if she couldn't stay alive what about me?"

i finally realized the depth of anger, selfishness and cruelty that lies at the bottom of many who commit suicide. so...i decided i had to keep on living. i just do not want to inflict all these wounds on the people in my life BECAUSE i know so well how badly things have hurt me. the very agonizing depths of my pain have taught me i DO NOT want to hurt others as i have been. it is just not right for me to do it.

A BAD MOM, WIFE, FRIEND IS BETTER THAN NONE!!!

my family and friends would rather have me here - as someone who is "walking wounded" than go to my funeral. so, i'm gonna stick it out with the help of God and people.

please stick it out you do not know who all is counting on you, miserable as you are right now!!! i want you all here, not dead.

There's a quote; i can't remember who said it, but it goes like this, "Every man's death diminishes me". John Donne said, "No man is an island." we are interconnected so each of us matters to many others.

i'm not trying to preach or rant, but i feel very passionately about this topic and i have considered it more times than i like to say.

many who think of suicide REALLY just want relief from the severe pain they are in. there are solutions to problems; if you hang on things will change in time. compared to where i was then (my daughters are now 26 and 21) my life is amazing and full of wonder and hope (but not problem free)!

i care about each one of you here on pc.com even if i do not know you personally.

leslie and her pixies

Reply to the first post:
I used to think that way too: I didn't want to die, but i didn't see any point in living. I've come out of that, but i'm afraid i can't tell you exactly how i did it. But now, i just think of all the things i want to see, and do. There's so much, it drives me crazy that i'm still stuck at home. I turn 18 in February, and then i'm gone. So i guess what drives me is the unknown and the determination to know. Otherwise, i still feel dead inside. I'm not emo, i swear, i know that last statement sounded it. I have depersonalization disorder, among other things.

Yep. My brother killed himself. It's been awful for me. I don't think I could do that to my kids. It would be a disaster for my parents, too, losing their only remaining son. And my wife...well, I'm not sure she'd mind so much, but that's another discussion...

And I have to agree, sometimes depression is a good thing...it makes us too tired to bother leaving!

To the original poster - I wish I had better answers, but sometimes we just keep going because we keep going. And that's OK. I think persistence in the absence of hope is an occasional part of being human for most people, regardless of mental health (or lack thereof ).

My mother committed suicite when I was 15 after many attempts. I also had a few attempts before I had my first child then I restrained myself for my children's sake & sometimes I was literally locking myself in a closet crying all night (bipolar 1) to keep myself from ending my life.

I was good to my vow until 2 1/2 yrs. ago. My children are now 31 & 29. I don't know why I broke that vow, but I did an overdose. I'm still reeling & trying to recover from that. The fear that I could get so desperate to break that vow when I know how devastating a mother's suicide is to her children & I love my children so...

I've been busy lately, that's why I haven't updated myself on this thread - but wowie!
Is it awful to say that I'm glad I'm not alone in this?? xD So many great answers here, and I'm glad that we're all hanging in there - painful as it might be!

FIffyChic, great advice! I try to change things up, but it's easy to fall back into the routine.

Bizi: I've only been on Lamictal for three months and I know that the maintenance dosage is 2-400mg. I saw my doctor last month and said that I wanted to increase my dosage, just for the sake of it, and he suggested that we wait and see how this current dosage will work out (if it's working or if I'm just hypomanic).
If I get depressed, I've got plenty of mg to go on. And yes, I am on antidepressives - but only 5mg of Cipralex, just to give it a tiny boost 'cause at the moment I don't need that much. Hypomania isn't a problem, it just means that I'll finally clean my apartment. So far, so good anyway. I've gone through sadness and suicidal thoughts WITHOUT ending up as a depressed mess with a noose around my neck - and that's huge. I'm seeing my physician again soon and I'll tell him about it then and see what he has to say. (my blog's been updated btw)

Multipixie9, I'm glad that you've found your reason - I'm not religious (agnostic) but I'm all for religion and faith if it helps you. But faith HAS saved me once or twice, it's very powerful.

Cthomas, that's what I've been clinging to since I was 9 years old - hope. Some day things WILL get better, and I WILL be happy and I'll look back on these years and think I was incredibly silly, and I'll love being alive.. I hope.

My mother is also a very important reason, in fact - she's the ONLY reason I'm still alive. She's my hero, I love her to bits and pieces, and she's sacrificed so much for me - and the thought of what my suicide would do to her breaks my heart, I can't do that to her.
My sister's mother killed herself, and I saw what that did to my sister. I have also lost someone to suicide, and it's awful - there are too many questions and too much blaming yourself.

And yeah lol, it's too much of an effort to kill yourself. Too much planning and too much cleaning needs to be done - I can't be bothered.

With better levels of lamictal you actually might not ever feel suicidal again it is also an anti mania med so it helps on both ends of our spectrum....
As far as using the diagnosis as an excuse...When I am truly manic, I have had sexual indescretions, I think I have ruined a couple of marriages before....though not my fault entirely, takes two.etc.
That impulsive, risk taking behavior was bad behavior, even so I would never act that way if I were stable so it is understandable to be able to say that I was responsible for this behavior and helps to understand the additional circumstances that played a part, I was not thinking about the consequences of my behavior and bad chemistry.
bizi
edited to add that I can't comment on your blog because you don't allow anonymous posters....so I jsut commented here on your thread.

I am not bi-polar but I have had some of the same feelings. I've had suicidal thoughts and days where I was about done with life. Sometimes life is confusing and you get caught up in your little shell and world. I look at the africans...I'm sure you've heard this one before but it's true. We could be in africa with aids, no clean water, eating very little each day...our parents are dead, we are orphaned....how do the Africans get through their day?...I'm pretty sure I could have some emotional trauma if I lived there...

Not only are there people who are worse off....but maybe there is pain for a reason.

Because of our pain we learn lessons, we learn about ourselves...who our real friends are...to be more compassionate...be more giving...sometimes you need to wait out the pain and when you wait long enough...something good happens...there is a rainbow around the corner...

I look back on my painful experiences and go...you know...I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me...I've been thorugh a lot...but I've gotten through it...and these experiences are unique to me...and in a way...this is sort of a gift from God.

I understand that dealing with bi-polar disease is relaly difficult and emotionally, mentally, and physically painful...but you are unique...and in some ways are more special than others because you have to deal with this as well as other things in your life...In someways...I look up to people like you because I think you are amazing...how you get through life...believe me I thought it was bad enought that my fmaily is somewhat dysfunctional...if I ahd to deal with mood swings as well...I wouldn't be able to take it...but you can and that is who you are...you're brave

I could go on about this...but I think you have the idea...God has a plan for everyone...and he loves you for who you are

I have been like this. I am currently like this. I am looking for my reasons to live. I'm not sure I found any, but I dont want to die. At least not now.

Thanks to everyone for their answers. I often wonder the same thing. I find when I'm ill and not in my natural, healthy mind that I loose touch with my spirituality. I had a rough childhood and since then, I'm not really able to buy into the commercial "happy" in society. I know that happiness really is about the intangible experiences we have. Relationships, travel, education, spirit, health, the things you take with you at the end. When I'm ill, it's hard to have those experiences and I then wonder why I bother breathing anymore. I have a tattoo on my arm; "Faith". I have faith that what's happening now is exactly what's supposed to be happening. I got the tattoo because when I'm ill, or old or in a place I don't yet know, I can read it and remind myself of where I started. Mary Ellen Copeland, Who created the WRAP program for depression and Bipolar DO said that at some point she had to decide to just live no matter what. I try to remind myself of that. I guess, that's where i'm at.

Mental health for beginners

You are a person first!
.....Always remember that-
.....Everybody has problems.
Can you be yourself?
.....You happen to be the expert of you.
Learn from the past, acknowledging what
.....has happened.
.....This is not easy and comfortable.
Listen to your heart, slow down your pace
.....so you can stay in touch with yourself
.....and reality.
Think about your actions, wants and
.....needs, knowing that it is hard to focus
.....with racing thoughts....
.....SO STOP IT!
.....Deliberate thinking is the answer.
Decide you are important and
.....worthy of this effort.
.....You can make decisions intelligently.
To make this decision is a choice.
.....You may choose not to....
.....While knowing the consequences.
.....You know you need to finally
Live for your life everyday!
.....It is your choice.

You can Learn, Listen, Think, Decide to Live.

It is your choice.

Wow! I was unaware that my obssessing about self-improvement could be part of the mania. I always associated that with the depressive stage. I obssess over everything! I don't have a lot of information about my diagnosis. I don't have any money, and I'm scared of the doctors to a certain degree. Your post here really gave me some insight. Not sure what to do with it, but at least I know something new.