What to do

I can't sit still for too long without thinking of something to do with my time....and since my masters degree has not been able to help me find a job. I have decided to pursue becoming a Personal Trainer. BUT I wonder if my decision to become a Personal Trainer is a good thing? I mean I love to workout and I love the idea of helping other people in this regard. But why don't I feel happy about other aspects of my life? I mean working out is great, and I don't want to stop. But couldn't me working out be my way of not facing what I NEVER want to face....which is anything that limits my ability to do something? When I workout, I feel I can do anything and succeed. I want to be that Bionic Woman, but everything I am learning and the pain I am feeling makes me feel that me working out doesn't have the end product I have been trying to achieve which is the physical endurance/ability I had before I was hit by a car. I KNOW this sounds CRAZY, but if you try to improve physically and you succeed more and more with each attempt, and then prove doctors wrong with everything they have told you, like you won't be able to walk...won't you have to believe that anything is possible if you give 100% of yourself? Everyone tells you you can't do it, but you know you can....and you do.....it is a HIGH that I never want to let go of. And I feel I can't stop working out because if I did and settled for what I am...I STOP living.
I went to therapy thinking I would find an answer to why I was feeling the way that I feel...incomplete, unworthy, and mad to name a few adjectives. And I guess I did....by me thinking way too much and organizing my thoughts. But now I don't know how to SOLVE or CORRECT what I have been thinking? And I definitely do not know how to express this to my therapist!

I would LOVE anyone's insight! I have been trying to figure this out in MY head, but I just keep going around on the same ride....getting angrier and angrier.

Hi, Cherrios! I think I understand what you are saying here; but, if I miss the mark, please don't hesitate to set me straight.

You have found "success" in one aspect of your life - overcoming the physical limitations imposed on you as a result of injury you incurred in an auto accident. I experienced something very similar in the 1970s after a number of back surgeries to correct a genetic defect of the 5th lumbar vertebra. It took about 6 years of hard work, walking 5 miles per day with 10-pound weights strapped to my feet plus other exercises to strengthen the muslces in my back and legs before I was able to walk without stumbling or falling over, and before I could jog and know that the proper foot would hit the ground when it was supposed to. My doctors told me that I would never water ski, or ride horseback, or be able to lift anything that weighed more than 5 pounds, etc. - and every time I managed to do something they said I couldn't do, I called them to let them know about it. This did give me a tremendous sense of accomplishment - that "high" you spoke of - and continuing to work out to keep my legs functioning physically always felt really good. But, there were other aspects of my life that were still a mess - and, yes - that physical exercise can become an escape, something you turn to to get that sense of accomplishment since no other aspect of your life is providing that feeling, and you can fall into the trap of chasing that "high," as well as the trap of believing that you can get that same feeling from applying 100% of yourself to other goals.

The reality is, however, that we can never really commit 100% of ourselves to any one thing - life simply isn't structured that way. And even other things that we do commit a large percentage of our attention, time, and energy to daily do not always provide us with that same intensity of feelings that are produced now by your physical activity. Remember, it isn't just overcoming your physical limitations that produce those feelings - that physical activity also causes your brain and body to manufacture and release into your system a number of chemicals - "feel good" hormones and neurotransmitters - endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, etc. Doing anything we find interesting or pleasurable causes the same physical responses in the brain and body, but the levels may not be as elevated as would occur with strenuous physical activity.

The real issue I think is your reason for questioning your decision to become a Personal Trainer. If you are having difficulty finding employment in your chosen Master's field and you think you would enjoy working as a Personal Trainer, what's the harm? Even if you find later on that it isn't providing what you need to derive from it, it still is not wasted knowledge, time, experience, etc. You may end up having many different careers in your life as your interests and needs change over time, but you will take with you everything you have learned from your previous experiences and apply them to your new experiences - and to other aspects of your personal life, as well. Life is a continual series of decision-making, and you can't always know exactly how something is going to work out for you until you actually do that thing and find out - then, if necessary, you make another decision to change direction perhaps and you find out where that pathway leads you.

I think it's interesting that you used the term "incomplete" in describing your present feelings about yourself. Truth is that we are ALL "incomplete." No one starts out life being 100% complete. It takes time and various experiences and making decision after decision to gradually define ourselves and our lives - a trial-and-error process that helps us become bit by bit who we want to be regardless of what we are doing at any given moment to earn a living. What difference does it make at this point why you are considering pursuing becoming a Personal Trainer since you have no idea of how that experience is going to impact multiple facets of your life until you actually do it? If it's not the right path for you, you will find that out and that experience may actually help to expose you to people and information that will eventually help lead you to whatever career will give you enough of a sense of purpose and satisfaction to be worth the time and effort you put into it. Who knows - perhaps it will lead you into becoming a Physical Therapist, or into a different area altogether. Just step out on the path and see where it leads.

Perhaps it would help to think of it this way - see the tremendous sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that you now derive from overcoming your physical impairment as simply a glimpse of what is possible - but understand that realistically there will always be some limitations to what we can achieve due to the basic laws of physics, etc. Also, be realistic about that "high" you say you don't want to let go of - more than likely there is nothing that anyone can do to sustain that level of "high" consistently and indefinitely, so don't allow yourself to become a slave to chasing it. Balance is the key for long-term consistent and sustainable growth whether physical, psychological, or spiritual - and be careful of what standard you establish for measuring your worthiness and happiness against - if it's set too rigid and high to be attainable, then you will miss out on experiencing the satisfaction of anything you accomplish that doesn't quite reach the "ultimate" mark.

Hope you find something helpful in these words, and best of luck on whatever path you decide to follow. lynn09

Hi Lynn09,

I am SO sorry for not responding sooner. It has taken me a while to think through this difficult topic...WHOA moment. You hit it on the nose with your response. And WOW....you have overcome a lot too. I know it was DIFFICULT, but you didn't let anything stop you.

I agree I have -fall(en) into the trap of chasing that "high," as well as the trap of believing that you can get that same feeling from applying 100% of yourself to other goals. - But it took me so long (about 12 years) to realize that chasing this "high" is what makes me happy...it makes me feel that I have beaten the accident all over again. And I feel I can't let go of it because the person I was after my accident for those 12 years is NOT the person I ever want to be.


But, I know I can't workout all the time and I know have limitations, but as I say this I disagree with it. When I get in the moment of completing a task, rationalization goes out the window. I can and will do whatever task is in front of me....like I went wakeboarding at the beginning of October, which I thought I could do easily. Well, I sprained my ankle, plus hurt other parts of my body, and I was basically unable to move for a few days following. I have this desire, and maybe death wish, to achieve the biggest and baddest obstacle. Maybe I like this because I am in control, as when my accident happened, I was completely taken out of the control seat. And many years after my accident, I was not in the control seat either...doctors, my parents, etc. were. Now I embrace that control.



But although I have found"success" in one aspect of your life - overcoming the physical limitations imposed on you as a result of injury you incurred in an auto accident. - I can't sustain this success without literally running myself into the ground. But it is SO hard to let go and find something else to live for! Two sides are playing the game (the good and bad of Katie) but who will win.
I agree with this statement - The reality is, however, that we can never really commit 100% of ourselves to any one thing - life simply isn't structured that way. And even other things that we do commit a large percentage of our attention, time, and energy to daily do not always provide us with that same intensity of feelings that are produced now by your physical activity. Remember, it isn't just overcoming your physical limitations that produce those feelings - that physical activity also causes your brain and body to manufacture and release into your system a number of chemicals - "feel good" hormones and neurotransmitters - endorphins, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, etc. Doing anything we find interesting or pleasurable causes the same physical responses in the brain and body, but the levels may not be as elevated as would occur with strenuous physical activity. - but I think I commit so much of myself to this feeling because I am angry and I want fight back. If I got angry at others, there would be problems, but if I get mad and take it out on me by participating in "X" than it is safer.

Nicely put and I ABSOLUTELY agree with this too - The real issue I think is your reason for questioning your decision to become a Personal Trainer. If you are having difficulty finding employment in your chosen Master's field and you think you would enjoy working as a Personal Trainer, what's the harm? Even if you find later on that it isn't providing what you need to derive from it, it still is not wasted knowledge, time, experience, etc. You may end up having many different careers in your life as your interests and needs change over time, but you will take with you everything you have learned from your previous experiences and apply them to your new experiences - and to other aspects of your personal life, as well. Life is a continual series of decision-making, and you can't always know exactly how something is going to work out for you until you actually do that thing and find out - then, if necessary, you make another decision to change direction perhaps and you find out where that pathway leads you. - I guess I started to question my pursuit in Personal Trainer Certification because I know that I would not be able to concentrate on improving my physical ability as much as I am now. A selfish reason, but one that scares me to let go because I don't want the improvements I see when I workout, etc. to stop....I mean how long will it last.

I think it's interesting that you used the term "incomplete" in describing your present feelings about yourself. Truth is that we are ALL "incomplete." No one starts out life being 100% complete. It takes time and various experiences and making decision after decision to gradually define ourselves and our lives - a trial-and-error process that helps us become bit by bit who we want to be regardless of what we are doing at any given moment to earn a living. What difference does it make at this point why you are considering pursuing becoming a Personal Trainer since you have no idea of how that experience is going to impact multiple facets of your life until you actually do it? - I used the term "incomplete" because I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I thought it would come easy. But since it hasn't, I don't like what my life has come to because I feel I am wasting time. I know that I am still young, but the way my body feels doesn't always make me feel young. So I feel that if I am going to LOVE life it needs to be now because I don't want to feel pain everyday when I am 30 and can't take out my anger on me doing an activity.

Really like your last paragraph - Perhaps it would help to think of it this way - see the tremendous sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that you now derive from overcoming your physical impairment as simply a glimpse of what is possible - but understand that realistically there will always be some limitations to what we can achieve due to the basic laws of physics, etc. Also, be realistic about that "high" you say you don't want to let go of - more than likely there is nothing that anyone can do to sustain that level of "high" consistently and indefinitely, so don't allow yourself to become a slave to chasing it. Balance is the key for long-term consistent and sustainable growth whether physical, psychological, or spiritual - and be careful of what standard you establish for measuring your worthiness and happiness against - if it's set too rigid and high to be attainable, then you will miss out on experiencing the satisfaction of anything you accomplish that doesn't quite reach the "ultimate" mark. - It is just a different approach to something that I have been dealing with for so long. I just have to get out of my comfort zone, which scares me.
Thank you! I appreciate all of your knowledge! Cherrios

Hi, Cherrios! I spotted a few things in your response to my response that really clarified some things - your statements about beating the accident, not being in control during and following the accident, your desire to achieve the biggest and baddest obstacle, being angry, and your fear of getting out of your comfort zone, are all very telling.

The psychological trauma you experienced during that accident and recoverig from your injuries is really not that different from what a victim of a violent assault would incur. You did not deserve to be in that accident, you did not deserve to be injured and in pain...in essence, that accident was an unprovoked attack that radically altered not only the direction of your life, but your very identity, as well. That accident made you feel vulnerable and victimized, as did others being in control of your life for a period of time afterward. I think it's very likely that your intense need to "embrace that control" together with your other intense feelings as expressed in the statements I noted above may be indicators of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

That would certainly explain why you don't want to let go of the "high" you get from working out; it's not just to attain and maintain a "high" from achievement - you want to be as strong as you possibly can be so you won't ever feel vulnerable and afraid again - and anything else that would interfere with you attaining and maintaining that level of physical strength would threaten your sense of power, control, and safety. You don't fear failure, you fear feeling and being vulnerable, defenseless, helpless, and at the mercy of things over which you have no control. At least that's what I'm seeing in your words.

Has your therapist evaluated you for PTSD? If not, I think it would be a good idea to discuss this possibility with your T and/or Pdoc. If it is PTSD, you need specific treatment in order for you to be able to move beyond this point that you are kind of stuck in at the moment so that you can gain a more balanced perspective and figure out what you WANT to do with your life rather than what you feel compelled to do.

What do you think? lynn09

You NAILED it! As I was reading what you said, some things that I have trouble explaining were more clearly explained. It was a WOW moment to read this and I agree wholeheartedly.
I wish I could say that I tell my therapist everything and solutions to getting past this stuck feeling just flow freely, but they don't. I guess I hold back with telling my therapist things for me to have a sense of controlling the outcome of the session. Not good, I know. But I feel I conceal more feelings at home than when I am with my therapist. (So a plus in a way.) My parents have this picture of who I am...their hero and a miracle, which I don't like, but I feel if they knew how I really felt it would hurt them. And although I have some obstacles to get over from the accident, they also have memories which cause them pain.....like them walking into an ICU room where their daughter/sister is lying in a coma not knowing if she will wake up. My younger brother told me what it was like for him when I got hit, as he was missed by 10 feet, and I balled and told him how sorry I was. I guess I don't want my parents/brothers to get hurt anymore....another way of me trying to control things...so I just smile and laugh.
Also, I started seeing this therapist under unusual terms, at least to me....I felt this "stuck" feeling and I was driving recklessly, which scared me, so I started to go see a therapist....which eventually led me to the therapist I am seeing now. But because I hide my true feelings, not on purpose really. I feel that my therapist feels things are OK with me. I am alittle scared what her response will be.....and I guess I am more open in this manner (chatting online) because I do not see your face.
I guess how would I even bring the topic of PTSD up in the session?

You are AWESOME with your powers of reading people and understanding them! Cherrios

Hey, again, Cherrios! I get what you mean about it being a "WOW moment" - I've just been experiencing the same thing having recently found out that I have pretty severe ADHD/ADD - explains a lot of the "whys" of the past 60 years of my life! When you start putting the pieces together, it gives you a brand new perspective on things, doesn't it? As for my ability to read people - I've just had a lot of experiences in my life. We humans are more alike than different, so I've extended that old saying, "Know thyself" (attributed to a number of Greek philosophers), to "Know thyself that you might know others." I imagine myself in the other person's situation and then draw on my own experiences in similar situations in order to get some sense of what that person is probably experiencing and feeling - and I pay close attention to the specific words and phrases they use to describe their feelings, too, which reveal the more subtle aspects of their perspective.

I'm not surprised that to date you have not been comfortable with fully disclosing your true feelings to your T and family members - again, that would be acknowledging the vulnerability and fear that you are trying to protect yourself AND your family members from. You might want to print out a copy of our conversation here and other posts you've made where you have been able to more honestly express your feelings and give it to your T at your next appointment. It's often much easier to hand someone a piece of paper than it is to look them in the eye and tell them what you are experiencing - especially when admitting to those feelings makes you feel traumatized and victimized all over again!

As for your brother and parents - they, too, are more than likely suffering from PTSD even though they did not experience that accident personally, especially your younger brother since he was present and witnessed the "assault." But, seeing their daughter/sister lying helpless in the ICU in a life-threatening condition and them being helpless to do anything about it can be just as traumatic as your experience. I'm sure your parents have deep-seated feelings of guilt and powerlessness because they could not protect you from that event, they couldn't take your physical pain into themselves for you, they couldn't make you heal, etc., and your brother probably feels "If only I had done this or that...". All of you are trying to be brave by hiding your emotional pain from each other to protect each other - that's so sweet; however, it's counterproductive - you all need to fully heal from the psychological traumas resulting from that event and your subsequent struggles.

Once you discuss this with your T, your T can tailor your therapy to address the issues specific to PTSD or may even refer you to another T and/or Pdoc with specific expertise in treating PTSD. Once you have that in place for yourself, you might even want to involve your parents and brother in some joint sessions with you and your T to help them deal with their own emotional traumas. This presents an excellent opportunity for your entire family to work on these issues together and provide the understanding and support you each need so that none of you has to suffer alone and in silence.

What do you think? lynn09

Hi Lynn,

You have to be one of the wisest people I have ever had a conversation with. The words you type make me want to open up more....it really is more than a WHOA moment.
I am so sorry to hear about the ADHD/ADD. I hope that this will get better for you overtime. I am TOTALLY here for you in any way that I can help....whether I just listen or give you my opinion.
Your ability to imagine yourself in other people's situation really is an art.....I know you explained it in your response, but it is much easier to say it than do it. And you have done both. I am in awe.
Yesterday, I actually sent an email to my T trying to explain how I feel. It took me about 2 hours to type it, so I hope it conveyed everything in the right tone, etc. I meet with my T later today. And your idea about printing off my threads on PC is genius.
My younger brother actually told me, a week ago, what he remembers about the accident. I asked him to tell me. But as he was telling me, I just balled while he was very straight faced. I am sure he is holding back some of his emotions...but to talk about the accident makes me extremely upset. I have gotten better with telling someone that I was hit-by-a-car, but to go into more detail, and without saying it in a funny/laughing manner, emotions just over take me. I will work on it...and I guess being more open with my T is the way to start.

Thanks for listening and being that wall of truth for me! You are truly AWESOME! Cherrios

Hey, Cherrios! Re: the ADHD/ADD - Thanks so much for your support. I'm hoping that I can find a Pdoc and/or T soon with the appropriate expertise so I can make some progress in dealing with it better.

I'm soooo glad that you are feeling safe enough to open up a little more, and being more willing to confront the trauma. Just stuffing those intense emotions down inside instead of releasing them creates an ever-enlarging reservoir within that becomes increasingly difficult to hold back. Eventually, the dam will break and the sudden rush of those intense emotions breaking loose can be extremely overwhelming. Best to release the pressure a bit at a time.

I know how incredibly difficult this is for you to do. The thing about PTSD is that to remember the traumatic event is to re-experience it - to actually relive it along with all of the attendant emotions that you were unable to process and express at the time. You lived in one reality prior to the accident and awoke from your coma to a radically altered reality - that in itself had to have been a tremendous shock to your psyche!

Although I know it had to be agonizing, writing that e-mail to your T was an excellent idea and very brave of you. I'm sure it made it a little bit easier for you to express yourself without that feeling of being scrutinized under a microscope - much in the same way as posting here on PC - and without being distracted by trying to decipher the other person's reaction.

Please let me know how it goes with your T today. I'm excited for you that you are embarking on this new leg of your journey which can only improve the quality of your life, as well as the lives of those around you. It takes courage and determination to confront something this painful, and you have already demonstrated that you possess plenty of both by what you have achieved so far in your physical recovery.

GOOD LUCK!! Lynn

Hi Lynn09,
I think my session with my T went very well, as in a lot of new ground was covered. I did not print out threads that I have posted, since I emailed her, which she said was good to see that I could write down how I feel. Printing out the threads might be a good idea next, since my T concluded that I have OCD not PTSD. My T told me to take baby steps in changing my life. Like I feel I have to do certain things in my life, such as working out and eating certain foods. I have an all or none attitude meaning I have to work out a certain number of times a week along with sticking to a strict diet (no diary or grains). I want to change and find this balance, but I feel I have to keep doing what I am doing to see improvements. Changing is what I want, but I literally feel that is impossible.
I was so tried after my session and I felt extremely hot, like I was trying to catch my breath. I felt sick to my stomach as well. I guess I wanted a solution, but I am the flawed part of this equation.
I am glad that I opened up, but now I feel that my T can't help me since I feel changing what I do is impossible.
Cherrios

Awwww, Cherrios - I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now, but please don't be discouraged.

Clearly, it is not impossible for you to change. When you went from not working out to working out, you were successful at making that change. When you went from eating dairy and grains to not eating dairy and grains, again, you were successful at making that change. And you have very successful in changing how you were just after the accident to how you are now! How many times have you changed your hairstyle and hair-care products, clothing style, cosmetic products and techniques, etc., etc. Even though your present compulsions feel extremely strong, I'm sure if you stop to think about it you will realize that you have successfully made many, many changes throughout your life - replacing one habit or routine with another gradually over a period of time.

If you truly are OCD, you may not be able to change the fact that you are prone to being compulsive; however, with time and supportive behavioral modification therapy, you can gradually make small, incremental adjustments allowing yourself time to get comfortable with each little adjustment before making further adjustments.

Think of it as just "fine tuning" what you are already doing to optimize the effects on your body. For instance, over-exercising can actually reduce the benefits of working out because the muscles don't have time to heal and rebuild before being torn down again. Over the long-term, you would be doing more harm than good. Since most experts seem to agree that good aerobic and strengthening work outs for 30 minutes 3 times per week produce optimum benefits to the body, then working out more than that is an unnecessary investment of your time and energy and could actually do you more harm than good. Do some research to find out how much you actually need to exercise to maintain optimum health for your age and build.

As for the foods you do or do not eat, learn to look at food as nothing more than fuel because that is actually all it is. Just like certain high-performance engines need a specific mix of fuel to maintain optimum performance, the same is true of your body - after all, your body is just a biological machine and needs specific types and amounts of nutrients to maintain optimum performance at the cellular level. The goal is to create the best possible environment for your body so it can perform as it is designed to do. Just like you must provide a rosebush with the proper soil type, the right amount of water, sunlight, weed and pest control, and fertilizer (nutrients) for it to grow strong and healthy so it can produce beautiful blooms. Depriving it of any one thing that it needs is going to produce a sickly plant that cannot afford to spare its resources to produce beautiful blooms.

There is no one solution to most situations or problems, since most situations and problems are comprised of numerous variable factors; therefore, solutions must be multi-faceted conglomerates in order to address each of those variables. Breaking things down into smaller components makes it much easier to make adjustments in your perspective and lifestyle rather than trying to deal with everything at once. So, making a little tweak here and there makes change more manageable and less overwhelming - like putting together a jigsaw puzzle.

Getting a really definitive diagnosis of your condition(s) is crucial to your treatment and improvement. I would encourage you to consider obtaining a second opinion from a psychiatrist (MD) or a psychologist (PhD) - it can't do any harm, especially considering how you felt physically and emotionally after your T appointment.

Get some rest, give yourself some time to assimilate everything that has happened recently and everything you have learned, then take a look at things again in a few days. This will help you view everything from a more balanced and less-daunting perspective. Don't give up on yourself. Even though you didn't come away from your appointment with THE solution, you did come away with possibly one small piece of the puzzle - that's a start..

Keep posting so you can get the support you need while you go through this difficult process - you don't have to go it alone. lynn09

Hi Lynn,

Really good to read your post. And I agree with everything you said....I guess I am just so consumed doing one thing that taking in the whole picture is really difficult. And although I know sleep is VERY important, I have not slept in 48+ hours....definitely not my best decision!
But before I go and get to bed early, do you think me searching out help/posting on PC is a way that I victimize myself all over again? And by doing this, I don't/haven't shown my true self since my accident over 13 years ago?

Thank you o'wise one! Cherrios

Hi, Cherrios! Right - sometimes we get so focused on this one thing that we just want to get done that we forget to put it in perspective by stepping back and seeing it in relation to the whole. It's like concentrating on one brush stroke in a painting and missing out on the masterpiece!

Sleep is soooo very important; however, there are those times when we get so wound up about things and have pumped all sorts of stress hormones into our systems that it takes a bit more time to wind back down. Hope you are able to get good restorative rest tonight.

I don't think you're re-victimizing yourself by posting on PC. I think it's more likely that your mind is trying to find a way to get all that trauma and intense emotions dealt with. Your mind and body are designed to function certain ways to protect the survival of the "organism" (you). For instance, you will crave certain foods often because those particular foods contain some substance that your body needs in order to function properly - like craving bananas when your body is low on potassium, or craving eggs, meat, cheese, etc., when it needs protein - and those cravings happen without you even having to think about it.

The mind also craves what it needs in order to protect and maintain the psychological health of the "organism" - sometimes it's silence and solitude, sometimes companionship and activity...how often have you said or heard someone else say, "What do you feel like doing?" or "What are you in the mood for?" Most likely you felt that posting here on PC was a good idea...why? Something about it appealed to your mind - saw it as a way for you to begin to really confront and deal with that traumatic event, those intense emotions, and everything that has happened over the last 13 years.

For 13 years you have mainly focused on recovering physically with your strict dietary and exercise regimen, but you haven't invested an equal amount of time and energy to rehabilitating your psychological injuries even though they were just as traumatic as your physical injuries, if not more so. I'm quite certain that most people you are in contact with on a daily basis just are not equipped to relate to what you experienced. Here on PC, people are dealing with all manner of psychological and physical traumas and illnesses, can more fully empathize with what you experienced, and can provide more relevant support and encouragement.

PC constitutes a safe place for you to work on being able to fully express your feelings, to vent your anger, to admit to being just a mere mortal in relative anonymity. Although you are still at a point where posting about the accident, your struggles, and your intense emotions still makes you feel re-traumatized and re-victimized, you need to get all of that out so that eventually you will be able to move beyond it. It's like an infected wound - you have to get the infection out before the wound will heal.

You must conquer your fear of feeling those emotions so that you can express and deal with them. So, posting on PC is kind of a psychological "workout" for you. You said it was becoming a bit easier for you to open up and talk about it, so I would say it's probably been beneficial for you so far. As you become psychologically stronger, you will be better able to deal with the trauma without being completely overwhelmed by it. Just like everything else, you've got to break down that Mt. Everest of emotional trauma into smaller pieces and deal with it a little at a time.

Hope you're feeling rested, stronger, and more positive about things soon! lynn09

Hi Lynn09!

Always glad to read your response....no judgment in your response, just telling me the benefits of doing "X" so that I can improve psychologically. It is reassuring and confronting in such a great way because although I feel good physically I don't feel happy. [Even over the past few months, I have worked out, like crazy, and eaten nothing bad, like sugar, and as a result I have gotten stronger and leaner....A HUGE POSITIVE....,and while many people have complemented me on how I look, I am not happy. I see what I still can't do and I get upset.] I say assuring and confronting because for me not to see what is wrong, like with my brain/mind, I feel like control is gone and I get scared because finding a solution gets further away, and I have to find a solution. But then to read something and agree with it as if my mind was talking to me, it is a calming moment and there is so much more HOPE to look for.

I thought I was improving psychologically over the years because of the educational steps I made, like getting my masters degree....it's like if I could function in a classroom than I was fine mentally. But this started to fall apart when I was in my last year of my masters, and I was questioning everything. And then when I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy, I leaped into so much physical activity so that my mind would find something else to be happy with.

I never wanted to think that I was psychologically (my mind) hurt. It only mattered to improve physically with what people saw, and since many people knew me through stories from my parents of how I survived a horrible accident...I learned to act in a specific way (happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.). Although my parents have always and still do want the best for me, we have always been good at hiding the bad moments and spreading the good moments like a wild fire to friends and family. I embraced hiding my feelings and working on improving my outward appearance....I also concentrated on my physical ability so much because I wanted to get back to "me" before the accident. I know this is such an unnatural statement, but I believe in it so much because of all the improvements I have made that I can't stop working hard physically, which I bought up in a previous post. But to get back to my point, when I was younger and I did get upset (I mean CRAZY...yelling and hitting - basically trying to get the inner feelings out in any possible way...like if I got mad enough the feelings would just go away because of the bomb that would go off in my body from my reactions), I always felt worse for acting the way I did than for the reason behind the outburst. Not really sure why my parents didn't really help me through those moments....maybe they thought the LOVE they showed for me was enough to help me get past all the bad stuff.

I guess I mention this because now I want to blow up with anger, but I literally feel I can't. I have become a master at hiding my feelings, when I feel angry I laugh. Also when I get angry, I direct it towards me when I work out. Meaning if I feel pain, I won't stop until the goal is reached. I use phrases like "I suck" or "You can handle it." I am to blame, maybe not for the accident, but I am to blame for the state I choose to be in so I better kill myself so that I have no regrets. Again to get back to my point, I just saw a TV show where a woman was severely traumatized, and she had that realization that is OK to be angry. I guess I want that, but feel I can't have it. It has been a long time since my accident, so shouldn't I be over it?

Cherrios

Hello, Cherrios. You have not dealt with the accident. Instead you have allowed all of the emotions to fester inside you. How could you get over it?

Hi TheByzantine! I don't really know "HOW" to get over the accident. I wish I could just forget it happened, but I have physical reminders, like my legs plus many other things. (Both of these statements make me pretty MAD!) Although, I don't mind the difference in my legs until I can't do something....when this moment comes, the world goes black. I guess I am so good at hiding my feelings that it takes an action that I visually can see, such as not completing a task, for me to have a reason to HATE the accident and thereby show an outward emotion. Totally messed up And I think since I am older, and am considering more adult decisions, like the idea of having babies, my accident just causes problems. WTF!
Maybe a time machine would be the best way to get over the accident. But Being funny/sarcastic is what I am really good at!

Any ideas to "How"?

Cherrios!

Allow yourself to grieve.

http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...&id=8441&cn=58

Hi TheByzantine! Thank you for the two articles....very informative! And I love to learn/read! But I guess doing something different, where I do not know what the outcome will be, scares me. I don't want to say that I am not welling to change/act....I wish I could leap without thinking, but I guess I don't because I ALWAYS keep my schedule busy....I mean I am busy for someone who does not work. I keep busy so that I don't have to slow down or think about my accident....I realize that this is sort of what I am doing right now, but I have a run in a little while so I need to go.

Thank you! (O'wise one) Cherrios!

Hi, Cherrios!

Your body has "gotten stronger and leaner," but not your psyche. This is about your identity, and your body does not define your identity - your body is not "who" you are.

Possibly measuring yourself against an unattainable standard, and punishing yourself for not being "perfect" enough to attain it? This is that "glass-half-full-or-half-empty" perspective - focusing on what you can't do, rather than celebrating what you can do.

If someone else says to you what you already know in your own mind to be true but are afraid to admit, it's easier for you to give yourself permission to accept it; you exert CONTROL over your body and your emotions through suppression and denial.

It takes a tremendous amount of mental energy to suppress the intense pain, sorrow, grief, anger, disappointment, etc., that you are feeling; so, there is very little mental energy left to apply to other demanding mental endeavors, like getting your masters. Slogging through the schoolwork to attain a goal in the long-term wasn't providing you wtih sufficient gratification in the immediate, so it's quite natural and understandable that you would seek that immediate gratification in physical activity. The trick is to populate your life with enough of both to maintain balance and ward off discouragement.

You have a need to CONTROL how others perceive you in order for you to be able to impose that same perception on yourself; in other words, "I can convince others to perceive me as thus; therefore, I am." As a result, you are defining your identity according to the perceptions of others to compensate for your fear that your true identity is defined by your feelings of inferiority, incompetency, weak, vulnerable, helpless, defenseless, victimized, etc.

Again, both you and your parents are controlling how others perceive and assign value to you and them - identity. Further, no matter how hard you work out, you will never be able to get back to the "you" that existed before the accident physically or mentally.

Consider this, even if the accident had not happened, you still would not be the same person today physically or mentally that you were 13 years ago - you're not even the same person today that you were yesterday. That former "you" no longer exists, and I agree wholeheartedly with BYZ that you must allow yourself to grieve - grieve for what was and now is not - grieve for what might have been and now can never be. You must go through the very same grieving process for this psychological "death" that we all must go through to deal with the physical death of a loved one in order to go on with life - acknowledge the loss of that past reality, grieve it, and bury it so that you can fully embrace and live in the present reality, and can work effectively to create the future reality that you desire.

And feeling bad about acting that way, about losing CONTROL of your anger and lashing out at others (what you perceived to be a sign of weakness, maybe?), is probably why you work so hard now to control your emotions - especially your anger. You are afraid that you will lose control over your anger about the accident and lash out at others.


Perhaps they just really didn't know how to help you through those moments, and possibly assumed (hoped) that you would "grow out of it."

Right - CONTROLLING your emotions by denying (hiding) them, and directing your anger towards yourself in order to protect others (and possibly even to punish yourself a bit for feeling that anger in the first place).

There is a vast difference between being to blame and being responsible. Assigning blame is an act of judgment and condemnation, and is counterproductive in accomplishing anything positive, constructive, and beneficial. You are responsible for how you choose to respond to your situation; but, clearly, you have taken and are still taking responsibility for your response by doing all that you are ABLE to do at any given moment to advance your recovery physically and mentally. But, recovery is a process - and it takes time to figure out and develop the appropriate perspectives and skills to achieve that recovery - and it is by going through that recovery process that you discover and develop the perspectives and skills that work for you.

Again, feeling that you are not entitled to be angry is a way of punishing yourself for being angry about the accident and the difficulties you are experiencing dealing with how your life and how you perceive yourself (identity) have been so radically altered by it. You deny yourself permission to feel anger and other emotions, just like you deny yourself of certain foods and activities other than exercise.

Recovery takes as long as it takes, and not one moment more or less. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about what you should or should not feel, nor what could or should have been; invest that time and energy in dealing with what IS; you will obtain the greatest return on your investment of time and energy by acknowledge, focusing on, and dealing with the present reality in order to provide you with the best possible opportunities for a full and worthwhile life in the future.

In your subsequent post, you stated, "But I guess doing something different, where I do not know what the outcome will be, scares me;" and, "I ALWAYS keep my schedule busy...;" and, "I keep busy so that I don't have to slow down or think about my accident...." Again, this denial and avoidance of confronting the reality of the accident and the impact on your life is about CONTROL. It's about controlling how you allow yourself to feel about the accident in order to gain a sense of exerting control over the accident iteself - an event over which you had absolutely no control whatsoever. It seems that most everything you do or don't do is motivated by your fear of lack of control over your life and the world in general - lack of control over reality itself.

From what little you have said about yourself as you were prior to the accident, I get the distinct impression that you have always been a bit of a "perfectionist" - a tad overly demanding and hypercritical of yourself perhaps? - always measuring yourself against an unattainable standard? If this is the case (and I'm pretty sure it is ), it's even more understandable that you would respond to the aftereffects of the accident as you have. You do realize, of course, that in this "imperfect" universe, this "imperfect" realm of existence and state of being, there is no such thing as a "perfect" human being, don't you?

Not only is it acceptable for you to give yourself permission to admit to being "flawed," it is vital to your physical and mental well-being - to your very survival - that you do so. THIS is reality, and dealing with anything other than what is real cannot produce real changes - real results. In a way, you can use the physical injuries you sustained and the physical limitations now imposed on you as a visual aid to help you learn, understand, and accept intangible truths - psychological truths and reality. See the physical trauma and injuries as being physical representations of the psychological trauma and injuries you sustained to help you understand how they must receive appropriate treatment and rehabilitation in order to heal just like the physical injuries do. Further, see the physical limitations (flaws) you now have as representations of the innate psychological flaws and vulnerabilities that are part of what it means to be a human being.

By denying the reality of that accident and the impact it has had on your life, and physical and mental well-being, and by clothing yourself in the false persona of "(happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.).," you gain a false sense of being in control - of being recovered, and by doing so you rob yourself of the opportunity to actually become - achieve the state of being -"(happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc.)." I believe this is the source of your inner conflict - you are trying to force your mind to accept as reality what it knows is not real, and it's fighting with all of its might to get you to deal with the present reality so that it can survive - so that you can survive.

Bottom line - acknowledging and dealing with your REAL psychological injuries is the only way you will every be able to achieve REAL recovery. Don't get me wrong, Cherrios - although this is straightforward and simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy - but I think you already know this because otherwise you would not be reaching out as you are. You have the courage and tenacity to accomplish this - besides, you don't really want anything less than the genuine article - anything less than the REAL thing, do you? lynn09

(P.S.: Thanks for joining the conversation, Byz! Your input is always valued.)

Hi Lynn09, WHOA! A lot to think about!...feeling a little sick (but I just ran a 5K). (And TheByzantine...thank you for your responses....so simple yet very direct!) I agree with both of you! I feel that asking for help has never been my problem, just putting the advice I received into action is the difficult part. Both of these aspects should be simple, but "I" just make it hard. I am the problem! You are right, lynn09, I am a perfectionist, which makes the idea of slowing down with my physical activity difficult, and concentrating on my emotions from the accident a waste of time. I WANT to be right with the decisions I make! But I know this is flawed....I made the choice to run and although I have improved on my time, the pain I feel is more distracting and I am still not happy. I did not listen to doctors telling me that running was bad because I needed to be right...because it worked before....if I had listened to doctors after my accident I would have killed myself a long time ago.
This accident should never have happened...why do things like this happen?
The machine is broken, and I am the machine! I really do want to CHANGE, but I am a walking contradiction! I really do want to feel better about life, but I analyze the situation WAY to much! I will be back, I just need a break!

By all means, Cherrios, take a break! You've earned it!! You're going for a Masters, or Doctorate, in life here - not something you can achieve overnight, or even in a few months or years. Your recovery, physical and psychological, just like your life and just like everyone else's life, is a marathon - not a sprint, so pace yourself!

When you go out to run that 5k, what are you thinking about while you're running? Are you envisioning that finish mark so far away and being overwhelmed by the distance to be covered, the number of footsteps and minutes required to reach your goal, and being frustrated that you are not already at the finish? Or are you concentrating on maintaining your form, respiration, and pace with each and every footfall, KNOWING that you will reach the finish (your goal) eventually, and KNOWING that it is not just arriving at the finish, but the process of traversing the course from start to finish that's making you strong enough to complete the course?

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. That's a LOT of information to examine and think about, and to decide what does or does not make sense to you, what does or does not work for you. We've covered a lot of territory recently in this one thread alone!

Relax and take your time, Cherrios. You are building your "dream life" here - so you don't want rush things by employing shoddy construction materials or practices. Just breathe, and don't forget to LIVE in this and each moment between here and the finish line! lynn09

Hi Lynn09, (I am responding to both of your last responses together)

I have already received my masters...I have been trying to find a job but since that has not worked out, I have concentrated on running/working out more and more. Also, thinking about becoming a Personal Trainer. So the reason I needed a break (today) was to stop thinking about all of this stuff. I agree - That's a LOT of information to examine and think about, and to decide what does or does not make sense to you, what does or does not work for you. We've covered a lot of territory recently in this one thread alone! - But it literally baffles me that it is SO hard for me to do what has been said. It should be easy for me to accomplish what has been said since it is just deciding to do one thing over another...simple! It isn't like I am training for an IRONMAN. You said this too in your next to last response - Don't get me wrong, Cherrios - although this is straightforward and simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy. (And you are right, I want nothing less than the genuine article - you don't really want anything less than the genuine article - anything less than the REAL thing, do you? - I just believe that this is what I was before the accident because that is what I know.) And I agree I won't achieve reaching the person I was before the accident, but I can get really close, which will have to be good enough.

Also, since I had just ran in a 5K, I was in some pain, and trying to work through what you said and dealing with the pain my legs were feeling was overload. A break was necessary!

what are you thinking about while you're running? - [And when I run, I concentrate on the things I can control....like my breathing, my posture, the fact that if I keep going I will finish the race. And like with everything that I do if I can help someone else, the pain I am feeling goes out the door....meaning I concentrate on helping them finish. Like today I kept an older gentleman running, he kept me running too, but I kept telling him that he was AMAZING to attempt the 5K since there were hills and it was FREEZING! He already did the hard part, now it was just a matter of finding the energy to finish.]

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. - I guess I think I don't have time.....it's like if I died tomorrow would I be satisfied...NO! So I try to make things happen...waiting for something to happen does not sit well with me. I feel that accidents are bound to happen, so we need to do what we can when we can. Maybe I am anxious or on edge...I don't know, but when I hear about something I feel the need to make it happen right away. I guess I have never been the one to take my time....I am even going on this date on Monday, which scares me to death, but I feel I should since I am 25 years old and have never really been in a relationship since my accident. Time was taken away from me, so I am now trying to catch up.

And..... you are so clever.....Consider this, even if the accident had not happened, you still would not be the same person today physically or mentally that you were 13 years ago - you're not even the same person today that you were yesterday. That former "you" no longer exists - You are right the girl that I was before the accident does not exist anymore....but I just want to get back to where I was physically. I want to rewind time for this purpose only.....I would have been such an athlete. The night before my accident, I went to my soccer practice where my dad commented on how strong my legs were when I kicked the ball.

I do hold myself to a high standard - Possibly measuring yourself against an unattainable standard, and punishing yourself for not being "perfect" enough to attain it? This is that "glass-half-full-or-half-empty" perspective - focusing on what you can't do, rather than celebrating what you can do. - I do this because I know I can accomplish what I could have done before the accident. It might be unattainable at first, but nothing stays that way. And I agree, nothing is perfect in this world, but I considered what I could do before the accident....perfect. I only focus on what I can't do because I know I can EVENTUALLY do it!And I do this - If someone else says to you what you already know in your own mind to be true but are afraid to admit, it's easier for you to give yourself permission to accept it; you exert CONTROL over your body and your emotions through suppression and denial. - because I know I can do whatever it is. I have to think this way because I would lose it if I couldn't do something as I did before.

The trick is to populate your life with enough of both to maintain balance and ward off discouragement. - My problem is that I concentrate on one thing and forget about the other things. This especially happens when it comes to working out, since I think this is what I should concentrate on. Doing is my problem!

Again, feeling that you are not entitled to be angry is a way of punishing yourself for being angry about the accident and the difficulties you are experiencing dealing with how your life and how you perceive yourself (identity) have been so radically altered by it. You deny yourself permission to feel anger and other emotions - so how do I express my anger in a constructive way? Or do I?

From what other things you said in your response, I guess I am wondering "How" I stop needing to control things...stop being in denial. It is all centered around my accident, but how do I approach this idea of taking hold of my life in the way possible?

Thank you! Cherrios!

Hi, Cherrios! I'm just going to embed my response in blue.

[quote=Cherrios;1569222]Hi Lynn09, (I am responding to both of your last responses together)

I have already received my masters...By the way, what did you get your masters in?

I have been trying to find a job but since that has not worked out, I have concentrated on running/working out more and more. Also, thinking about becoming a Personal Trainer. So the reason I needed a break (today) was to stop thinking about all of this stuff. I agree - That's a LOT of information to examine and think about, and to decide what does or does not make sense to you, what does or does not work for you. We've covered a lot of territory recently in this one thread alone! -

But it literally baffles me that it is SO hard for me to do what has been said. It should be easy for me to accomplish what has been said since it is just deciding to do one thing over another...simple! It isn't like I am training for an IRONMAN. You said this too in your next to last response - Don't get me wrong, Cherrios - although this is straightforward and simple, that doesn't mean that it's easy. Right; but, like you have said before, even once you decide what change to make, it's a matter of figuring out the precise "how" of going about making that change.

(And you are right, I want nothing less than the genuine article - you don't really want anything less than the genuine article - anything less than the REAL thing, do you? - I just believe that this is what I was before the accident because that is what I know.) And I agree I won't achieve reaching the person I was before the accident, but I can get really close, which will have to be good enough.

Also, since I had just ran in a 5K, I was in some pain, and trying to work through what you said and dealing with the pain my legs were feeling was overload. A break was necessary!

Absolutely! That pain may be one of the things that "drives" you so hard - the act of running despite the pain is perhaps an act of defiance - your way of not allowing it to have power over you - not allowing it to control or define you. However, you must remember that pain does produce other physiological effects - causes the body to produce stress hormones that can have detrimental physiological effects that may counteract some of the physical ground you have gained.

what are you thinking about while you're running? - [And when I run, I concentrate on the things I can control....like my breathing, my posture, the fact that if I keep going I will finish the race. And like with everything that I do if I can help someone else, the pain I am feeling goes out the door....meaning I concentrate on helping them finish. Like today I kept an older gentleman running, he kept me running too, but I kept telling him that he was AMAZING to attempt the 5K since there were hills and it was FREEZING! He already did the hard part, now it was just a matter of finding the energy to finish.] Yes, distraction is a very good tool to use to deal with pain, plus you gain a sense of self-worth and value by helping someone else achieve their goal. This is what I meant by my statement about populating your life with activities that will give you enough immediate gratification to ward off discouragement while working to achieve long-term goals. This is what you may derive from being a Peronal Trainer.

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. - I guess I think I don't have time.....it's like if I died tomorrow would I be satisfied...NO! Actually, more people would do well to feel that way about their lives - never stop trying, never stop learning, never stop reaching, never become enslaved to the mediocrity of the status quo. So I try to make things happen...waiting for something to happen does not sit well with me. I feel that accidents are bound to happen, so we need to do what we can when we can. Maybe I am anxious or on edge...I don't know, but when I hear about something I feel the need to make it happen right away. Naturally - you know how quickly and easily the opportunity can be taken away from you. I guess I have never been the one to take my time....I am even going on this date on Monday, which scares me to death, but I feel I should since I am 25 years old and have never really been in a relationship since my accident. Time was taken away from me, so I am now trying to catch up. Ahhh...this explains a great deal! You were only 12 years old when that accident occurred? No wonder you are having difficulty. Time wasn't the only thing that was taken from you. You spent some of the most important developmental years of your life focused solely on trying to recover from your injuries instead of developing the self-confidence, learning the social skills, and developing the emotional maturity that would enable you to be decisive and bold now as an adult!! Your physical body may be chronologically 25 years old, but your emotional and social development was interrupted and has been delayed, so to speak. This is probably why you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions - especially your anger. At age 12 and through the rest of your teens, you were not equipped to deal with the emotional trauma you incurred as a result of that accident and did not have the opportunity to develop the emotional maturity to deal with it. No wonder you felt and still feel so victimized by it - so abused! Of course you focus more on maintaining and improving your physical condition - that's all you know - that's pretty much what you have spent more than half of your life becoming experienced at doing.

I'm glad that you are going on that date...it's long overdue. But, you need to be very patient with yourself because you have some ground to make up. And you need to be very careful with your heart, too. Try to focus mainly on the social interaction in order to gain experience and develop self-confidence in interacting socially with others before pursuing romantic involvements. Learn how to have fun!! (Sheesh! Do I ever sound like an old lady!!! )

And..... you are so clever.....Consider this, even if the accident had not happened, you still would not be the same person today physically or mentally that you were 13 years ago - you're not even the same person today that you were yesterday. That former "you" no longer exists - You are right the girl that I was before the accident does not exist anymore....but I just want to get back to where I was physically. I want to rewind time for this purpose only.....I would have been such an athlete. The night before my accident, I went to my soccer practice where my dad commented on how strong my legs were when I kicked the ball. And this explains a great deal, as well. You were an athlete - that aspect of your "identity" was more developed at the time, and most of your self-confidence and positive feelings about yourself were rooted in your physical strength and abilities. So, when we humans get frustrated by what we don't know how to do, we will do what we know in order to alleviate that frustration.

I understand - truly I do. I ran track when I was younger - sprints, 440 relay, high jump, etc. I had always been athletic, in good physical shape, and wanted so much to pursue athletics, especially gymnastics. I wanted to be a Physical Education instructor (that's when PE was required in junior and high schools). However, after the doctors found that malformed vertebra in my lower spine when I was 20 y/o and did 3 surgeries to fuse it to another vertebra to stabilize it and "repair" what they could of the neurological damage, my hopes and plans went out the window - including having children. I was devastated by all that loss, and I felt just as victimized by it as I did by being abused throughout my childhood by my parents and siblings. Although I worked really hard despite the constant pain (which is still with me to this day) to regain my physical strength, I have never been the same since. But, I realized back then that I had to deal with the situation as it really was, rather than what I wanted it to be.

In a previous post, you said, "This accident should never have happened...why do things like this happen? " The short answer is, "Because that's the reality we live in." Considering all that can possibly happen to human beings during a lifetime, I guess it would be more realistidc for us to ask, "Why not?" - more realistic to expect such things and more to happen to us.

I do hold myself to a high standard - Possibly measuring yourself against an unattainable standard, and punishing yourself for not being "perfect" enough to attain it? This is that "glass-half-full-or-half-empty" perspective - focusing on what you can't do, rather than celebrating what you can do. - I do this because I know I can accomplish what I could have done before the accident. It might be unattainable at first, but nothing stays that way. And I agree, nothing is perfect in this world, but I considered what I could do before the accident....perfect. I only focus on what I can't do because I know I can EVENTUALLY do it!And I do this - If someone else says to you what you already know in your own mind to be true but are afraid to admit, it's easier for you to give yourself permission to accept it; you exert CONTROL over your body and your emotions through suppression and denial. - because I know I can do whatever it is. I have to think this way because I would lose it if I couldn't do something as I did before. I totally get this - reclaiming what was taken from you so abruptly, violently, and unfairly. A way of righting a terrible wrong committed against you - a way of getting justice for the grave injustice committed against you without cause or provocation.

The trick is to populate your life with enough of both to maintain balance and ward off discouragement. - My problem is that I concentrate on one thing and forget about the other things. This especially happens when it comes to working out, since I think this is what I should concentrate on. Doing is my problem! Because you really are not experienced at doing anything else other than working out.

Again, feeling that you are not entitled to be angry is a way of punishing yourself for being angry about the accident and the difficulties you are experiencing dealing with how your life and how you perceive yourself (identity) have been so radically altered by it. You deny yourself permission to feel anger and other emotions - so how do I express my anger in a constructive way? Or do I? You've already made a significant adjustment there by, as you say, taking your anger out on yourself instead of lashing out at others. This still is not the best way to deal with it, but how are you supposed to direct it at an event - an accident - an intangible? It was a mindless, souless thing that happened without malice or purpose - just like that birth defect in my spine. Who or what is there to blame? to hold accountable? I just now realized that I have never felt any anger at all about that birth defect and the impact it had and still has on my life, probably because I was emotionally mature enough at that point to view it realistically and not take it personally. The only thing I have been angry about is the fact that my parents refused to believe me about the constant excruciating pain in my lower back and legs I experienced throughout my entire childhood. But, you had not had the chance to develop that level of experience and emotional maturity when your accident happened. I'm going to have to think about this some more to see if I can answer your question about how to express your anger in a constructive way....hmmm.....

From what other things you said in your response, I guess I am wondering "How" I stop needing to control things...stop being in denial. It is all centered around my accident, but how do I approach this idea of taking hold of my life in the way possible? You can only relinquish that need to control things when you feel safe. You found out that the world is not a safe place, and that you can't trust anyone or anything to protect you from random, senseless, unjust, and unprovoked events. The truth is that there is very little that we can control outside of ourselves or beyond this moment in time - we can't control random events any more than we can control what others choose to think or how they choose to behave. The only thing we have any control over at all is how we choose to respond to whatever happens around us and to us. So, the only way any of us can feel some sense of "safety" comes from being able to trust ourselves (self-confidence). We must be able to trust that no matter what happens, we will do our best to make certain that we respond according to our core philosophies which are how we choose to define ourselves; and that the core philosophies we choose to embrace and exemplify produce responses that are appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, honorable, and just. It's a matter of how we choose to define our identities - who we choose to be in any given moment regardless of the situation or circumstances, and regardless of our physical packaging.

So, I guess the question is really how do we become appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, just, and honorable people in order to respond accordingly? It takes seeking knowledge and wisdom to discern the real priorities in life. It takes time, experience, and repetition - just like learning anything else. It takes being fully present and aware in the moment. It takes honest self-examination and conscious determination to develop those characteristics - to be the person who actually possesses (or is possessed by) those characteristics. It takes developing the courage to choose to do the right, honorable, and just thing rather than the expedient thing in every situation - and, of course, it is in making that choice again and again that we develop the courage to continue to make that choice.

It takes focusing more on who you want to be rather than what you want to do. I have found that it doesn't much matter what you do, but rather how you do it and why are what really matter. If you are focused on becoming the kind of person you want to be, focused on the character traits and identity you want to develop, you will be able to gain the knowledge and experience you need just about anywhere. To clarify, when I was able to work, my personal core philosophy was that regardless of whatever job I was doing, the people (bosses, co-workers, customers, etc.) were always more important than the job - that the people were my real job regardless of where I was or what I was doing - that the personal welfare of the people I came in contact with was always more important than my position and paycheck, and that I would never close my eyes to another person being abused or dehumanized, or to illegal, unethical, or unjust acts committed by anyone even if standing up for what was right jeopardized my livelihood. I always did my paying job to the very best of my ability, but I would not sacrifice the welfare of another human being in order to do it.

I think this is part of what you missed out on as a result of having to be so focused on your physical recovery during those important developmental years - you didn't have the opportunity to fully develop your own personal core philosophies to determine what you want your life - your story - to be about; not just what you want to do, but why you do whatever you do the way you do it.

Whenever I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a situation, I always fall back on my philosophical beliefs - what perspective on, approach to, and method for dealing with the situation is in alignment with and supported by my basic core philosophies? This has helped me to refrain from making decisions about how to respond to the situation based on my emotions (especfially my anger) and in a manner that is not consistent with the person I want to be - and what a battle that is at times!!! It's the difference between revenge and justice, cleverness and wisdom, etc.

So, perhaps the real starting point is to decide what kind of person you want to be regardless of your circumstances, and regardless of your physical condition since there really is no way to control those things completely and indefinitely? Previously, you said that you "learned to act...happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." Perhaps the real question is what core philosophies would help you develop the character traits that would enable you to actually be "happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." regardless of your circumstances and/or physical condition? And, perhaps by focusing on embracing the core philosophies necessary for developing those character traits would enable you to figure out how to go about making the changes in your life that you want to make. Perhaps the problem is that we've been skipping that step (?).

Please pardon my ramblings - I've been think-typing, so whatever has been going through my mind is on the screen. But, sometimes it is a matter of figuring out the right questions to ask first before you can find the right answers and solutions.

Thank you! Cherrios! I don't know if you're going to be thanking me for this one, but I gave it my best shot! Whatever the case, I'm on your side. Let me know what you think. lynn09 [/quote]

Hi Lynn09,

I will ALWAYS say "Thank you!" It really is a comfort to read things and agree most definitely with both mentally and physically.

I have already received my masters...By the way, what did you get your masters in?My masters is in Museum Studies. I took all the right classes which led me to that subject. Although, I was Pre-Med for a very long time....trying to pursue what I always wanted to be. It was BIG when I decided to pursue something else. But I believe that if I did stay with Pre-Med, I would have had more difficult times with decisions I would have been made to make. Doctors are realistic, and I can't be that way...being realistic has not gotten me to the place where I am at. Doctors were the first ones I NEVER followed their advice.

I agree - Right; but, like you have said before, even once you decide what change to make, it's a matter of figuring out the precise "how" of going about making that change. - But it is tough to gauge "how"...again I think it is me because I feel I have to do things a certain way. I guess OCD does have a role in my life.


I agree again - Absolutely! That pain may be one of the things that "drives" you so hard - the act of running despite the pain is perhaps an act of defiance - your way of not allowing it to have power over you - not allowing it to control or define you. You hit it on the nose!

I just hope this does not happen - However, you must remember that pain does produce other physiological effects - causes the body to produce stress hormones that can have detrimental physiological effects that may counteract some of the physical ground you have gained. - because pushing myself as hard as I have is how I have gotten those results.

Yes, distraction is a very good tool to use to deal with pain, plus you gain a sense of self-worth and value by helping someone else achieve their goal. (This is what I mean....I LOVE reading your responses because as I was thinking this, you have written it down....and it is one of those "WHOA" moments.)
This is what I meant by my statement about populating your life with activities that will give you enough immediate gratification to ward off discouragement while working to achieve long-term goals. This is what you may derive from being a Peronal Trainer. I do LOVE helping others because it does help me to forget about my pain. But I have been speaking with a life-coach, and she tells me to NOT put other's needs before my own. If I can help someone, there is no stopping to think if I should. (Helping others is one of my core philosophies!) I just have been holding back because I have wanted to pursue "CRAZY" ideas with getting me back to my physical ability before the accident or really close.
Side-note: the movie "The Reader" although it was very good....I HATED it because the character played by Ralph Finnes did not get past his ego and save the woman who he loved, played by Kate Winnslet. Kate's character needed Ralph's character so much, but he wouldn't help her in the way she needed him most. SO SAD! I will not go into too much more in case you have not seen it and want to see it.

It takes time for you to absorb, process, assimilate, and implement all that you and I and Byz and others here have talked about since you came to PC, as well as what you have discussed with your T and others in your real life. - I guess I think I don't have time.....it's like if I died tomorrow would I be satisfied...NO! Actually, more people would do well to feel that way about their lives - never stop trying, never stop learning, never stop reaching, never become enslaved to the mediocrity of the status quo. I love your way of making a negative (in my mind) a positive. I guess I think it is a negative (and not in all aspects) because I keep going so fast. It is EXHAUSTING! But I keep going, and then as a result I just have a list of things to do that NEVER gets smaller.

Ahhh...this explains a great deal! You were only 12 years old when that accident occurred? No wonder you are having difficulty. Time wasn't the only thing that was taken from you. You spent some of the most important developmental years of your life focused solely on trying to recover from your injuries instead of developing the self-confidence, learning the social skills, and developing the emotional maturity that would enable you to be decisive and bold now as an adult!! Your physical body may be chronologically 25 years old, but your emotional and social development was interrupted and has been delayed, so to speak. This is probably why you are having difficulty dealing with your emotions - especially your anger. At age 12 and through the rest of your teens, you were not equipped to deal with the emotional trauma you incurred as a result of that accident and did not have the opportunity to develop the emotional maturity to deal with it. No wonder you felt and still feel so victimized by it - so abused! Of course you focus more on maintaining and improving your physical condition - that's all you know - that's pretty much what you have spent more than half of your life becoming experienced at doing. Hearing it put that way, it is a lot. I was actually 11...the accident happened a week before my birthday.

I'm glad that you are going on that date...it's long overdue. But, you need to be very patient with yourself because you have some ground to make up. And you need to be very careful with your heart, too. Try to focus mainly on the social interaction in order to gain experience and develop self-confidence in interacting socially with others before pursuing romantic involvements. Learn how to have fun!! (Sheesh! Do I ever sound like an old lady!!! ) I agree that going on this date is a good thing.....I just am using a dating service which freaks me out. AND over the summer I had HUGE experiences with a guy (not ones that would lead to lasting affects like intercourse), but they were BIG in my mind, especially since I had only met this guy a few hours before. So everything happened very quick. But I felt that what we were doing should not stop because I was 25 and I had never done any of these things before. A little bit of a WHOA moment for me.....but I was a little intoxicated so it was my fault.

And this explains a great deal, as well. You were an athlete - that aspect of your "identity" was more developed at the time, and most of your self-confidence and positive feelings about yourself were rooted in your physical strength and abilities. So, when we humans get frustrated by what we don't know how to do, we will do what we know in order to alleviate that frustration. I am screwed aren't I....meaning I will just keep going on this merry-go-round.

I understand - truly I do. I ran track when I was younger - sprints, 440 relay, high jump, etc. I had always been athletic, in good physical shape, and wanted so much to pursue athletics, especially gymnastics. I wanted to be a Physical Education instructor (that's when PE was required in junior and high schools). However, after the doctors found that malformed vertebra in my lower spine when I was 20 y/o and did 3 surgeries to fuse it to another vertebra to stabilize it and "repair" what they could of the neurological damage, my hopes and plans went out the window - including having children. I am SO SORRY! Having children will be near impossible for me as well since I have a plate that has fused my pelvis together and is connected to my lower spine. Plus, I was given another blood type when I had the blood transfusions (O+ instead of O-) so even conceiving will be near impossible. BUT adoption is ALWAYS another way to go! Also, there is no pain bringing this child into the world, so you don't immediately hate it for causing you pain. I hope this made you laugh!
And I think if Physical Education is what you have wanted to do....DON"T let this stop you. I mean who wants to have a Physical Trainer, who might not be able to do certain things, or has physical limitations herself. But I am still going to try to be the BEST Personal Trainer I can. Motivation is HUGE in Personal Training, just as important for Physical Education if not more so since you would be teaching kids. Physical appearance is SO important to kiddos, and with all of the bullying going on today I would say to have you as a Physical Education Coach would make me want to come to your class more than any other class. I would listen to you and see results.
I was devastated by all that loss, and I felt just as victimized by it as I did by being abused throughout my childhood by my parents and siblings. Can I ask what you mean? Because as I kept trying to do certain physical activities, my parents and brothers always told me that I couldn't do "X" because of my accident. I might have been sad, but I was more angry than anything else. It took time for me to run, but I never let the idea of the possibility that I could run out of my mind. Although I worked really hard despite the constant pain (which is still with me to this day) to regain my physical strength, I have never been the same since. But, I realized back then that I had to deal with the situation as it really was, rather than what I wanted it to be. I believe you can do anything!!!! And there is cream that I put on my knees...I just got it and I think it works wonders already....the name of the cream/ointment is Traumeel. It could do wonders for your back, and if you decide to try it....I pray that is does work for you in the most unimaginable ways! www.traumeel.com

In a previous post, you said, "This accident should never have happened...why do things like this happen? " The short answer is, "Because that's the reality we live in." Considering all that can possibly happen to human beings during a lifetime, I guess it would be more realistidc for us to ask, "Why not?" - more realistic to expect such things and more to happen to us. Again, I LOVE the perspective you put on something I say. You are 100% right...."Why not?" The accident was just something that happened. And the way I have handled it was AWESOME! The accident has pushed me to new levels, levels which I might not have even come close too if I was not hit-by that car. And believe me I don't want to be angry because if I was I would miss out on so much. But I am angry about the way I was hurt, so I am just angry at the accident. But the accident could have been FAR worse!

I just now realized that I have never felt any anger at all about that birth defect and the impact it had and still has on my life, probably because I was emotionally mature enough at that point to view it realistically and not take it personally. The only thing I have been angry about is the fact that my parents refused to believe me about the constant excruciating pain in my lower back and legs I experienced throughout my entire childhood.I tried hitting baseballs at a batting cage once to get out my anger, but I really hurt my hands more than anything else. So if you hit baseballs, wear gloves and take breaks between the number of balls you hit. I hope that you relationship with your parents/siblings is better today!

I'm going to have to think about this some more to see if I can answer your question about how to express your anger in a constructive way....hmmm..... Thanks!!!

From what other things you said in your response, I guess I am wondering "How" I stop needing to control things...stop being in denial. It is all centered around my accident, but how do I approach this idea of taking hold of my life in the way possible? You can only relinquish that need to control things when you feel safe. This is going to be HARD! You found out that the world is not a safe place, and that you can't trust anyone or anything to protect you from random, senseless, unjust, and unprovoked events. The truth is that there is very little that we can control outside of ourselves or beyond this moment in time - we can't control random events any more than we can control what others choose to think or how they choose to behave. The only thing we have any control over at all is how we choose to respond to whatever happens around us and to us. So, the only way any of us can feel some sense of "safety" comes from being able to trust ourselves (self-confidence). We must be able to trust that no matter what happens, we will do our best to make certain that we respond according to our core philosophies which are how we choose to define ourselves; and that the core philosophies we choose to embrace and exemplify produce responses that are appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, honorable, and just. It's a matter of how we choose to define our identities - who we choose to be in any given moment regardless of the situation or circumstances, and regardless of our physical packaging. You are a YODA! SO much wise information!

So, I guess the question is really how do we become appropriate, courageous, wise, compassionate, just, and honorable people in order to respond accordingly? It takes seeking knowledge and wisdom to discern the real priorities in life. It takes time, experience, and repetition - just like learning anything else. It takes being fully present and aware in the moment. It takes honest self-examination and conscious determination to develop those characteristics - to be the person who actually possesses (or is possessed by) those characteristics. It takes developing the courage to choose to do the right, honorable, and just thing rather than the expedient thing in every situation - and, of course, it is in making that choice again and again that we develop the courage to continue to make that choice. I think that I can do the right thing when it comes to others, but seeing myself through that glass is something entirely different. I guess I feel life should be difficult, which is another reason I push myself so hard. I guess I think that if we get too happy, bad things will only happen. So I am on guard to prevent such bad things from happening. I know, I literally do not have control, but maybe it is just the idea of controlling that I want.

It takes focusing more on who you want to be rather than what you want to do. A BIG question....I like so many things that choosing what I want to be is REALLY hard. I have found that it doesn't much matter what you do, but rather how you do it and why are what really matter. If you are focused on becoming the kind of person you want to be, focused on the character traits and identity you want to develop, you will be able to gain the knowledge and experience you need just about anywhere. To clarify, when I was able to work, my personal core philosophy was that regardless of whatever job I was doing, the people (bosses, co-workers, customers, etc.) were always more important than the job - that the people were my real job regardless of where I was or what I was doing - that the personal welfare of the people I came in contact with was always more important than my position and paycheck, and that I would never close my eyes to another person being abused or dehumanized, or to illegal, unethical, or unjust acts committed by anyone even if standing up for what was right jeopardized my livelihood. I always did my paying job to the very best of my ability, but I would not sacrifice the welfare of another human being in order to do it. LOVE your core PHILOSOPHY! You definitely make the world a better place....I am so glad you responded to my post!

I think this is part of what you missed out on as a result of having to be so focused on your physical recovery during those important developmental years - you didn't have the opportunity to fully develop your own personal core philosophies to determine what you want your life - your story - to be about; not just what you want to do, but why you do whatever you do the way you do it. You are good! You say it so well!

Whenever I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a situation, I always fall back on my philosophical beliefs - what perspective on, approach to, and method for dealing with the situation is in alignment with and supported by my basic core philosophies? This has helped me to refrain from making decisions about how to respond to the situation based on my emotions (especially my anger) and in a manner that is not consistent with the person I want to be - and what a battle that is at times!!! It's the difference between revenge and justice, cleverness and wisdom, etc.I was wondering if you could elaborate on this some more?

So, perhaps the real starting point is to decide what kind of person you want to be regardless of your circumstances, and regardless of your physical condition since there really is no way to control those things completely and indefinitely? Previously, you said that you "learned to act...happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." Perhaps the real question is what core philosophies would help you develop the character traits that would enable you to actually be "happy, strong, content, unstoppable, etc." regardless of your circumstances and/or physical condition? And, perhaps by focusing on embracing the core philosophies necessary for developing those character traits would enable you to figure out how to go about making the changes in your life that you want to make. Perhaps the problem is that we've been skipping that step (?). You hit it on the nose! I guess it is really difficult for me know what kind of person I want to be!

I APPRECIATE your RESPONSES SO MUCH! Don't think anything different!
Cherrios!

*waves to Cherrios* Thank you Lynn for such amazing advice et al, I really have nothing to add except for some hugs for both of you ((((((Cherrios and Lynn))))))

Hi, Cherrios! Sorry for the delay in getting back to our conversation. I seem to have picked up a bug of some kind. Will continue as soon as I clear some of the fog from my brain! Hope you're doing okay! lynn09