[Open Eyes]

I have been working with this PTSD very hard and I have come a long way.

I have discussed other places and even in my about me page how my neighbor's neglegence with thier dogs and their electric fence system being broken that they knew about and worked around it by letting their dogs out at late at night while I was sleeping. Well so many of my animals were so damaged by that and created so many bills that I am lucky if I can even pay the interest.

I have talked about other neighbors and the terrible crap they have done to me. And that I have been nothing but a nice person and I honestly just don't get it. And I talked about this neighbor hood party taking place right next door and it did happen and they were very loud with a band and I tried very hard to just ignore it and come here. I went out and checked on the horses and ponies and locked the gates and made sure everything was secure. I tryed very hard not to let my hypervigalance kick and say to myself that they can have their party, and I am not provoking anything.

Well I had some bad dreams and woke up early and I come down stairs and sure enough a gate is wide open and a pony is loose. And I know that gate was chained and locked. And it did make me feel violated and upset me and I tried all morning to relax and just try to find a way to ignore it. But even though I tried I could feel my body slowly getting consumed with anxiety and all the pain of what that entails. I did everything possible because I had to get ready and go do a job that required me to walk around for over an hours and a half constantly doing rides.

Then the phone rings and it is my lawyer and he tells me that I have a deposition tomarrow. Now he didn't even give me 24 hours notice. And I have made it a point to explain to him how extremely difficult my struggle with PTSD and depression is and I told him it was extremely important to make sure he notifies me in advance to give me time to prepare. And my case cannot proceed without the discovery over and the only thing left is my final deposition. And I do know that my neighbors can be present when I get deposed so I really have to make sure that I am really prepared for that. And a deposition has been scheduled twice (that I know of) and I was never notified of it and my attorney canceled it at the last minute because he just forgot (he is old and losing his memory).

I honestly have had it. I want to talk to the opposing attorney to let them know that I am not running or the one postponing this process.
Oh, but that would not be good for my case. And so I am left in the middle with all the crap thrown in my lap. I honestly cannot believe this weekend, I honestly cannot wrap my brain around the fact that I NEVER did anything wrong and all I keep doing is PAY, PAY, PAY, PAY, PAY in every way I can possibly imagine.

I try so hard to work and I am also fighting depression and having a real hard time doing or trying to work so I can feed my animals of which some are crippled and pay on this mountain of debt that is caused by a negligent person. I AM TIRRRRRRRRRRED. I AM SOOOOOO TIRED.

It was so hard today walking in pain and trying to be pleasant. I felt so nauseous and even dissy and I honestly don't know how I did it. It was a beautiful day, I should have been able to enjoy it. My body feels like it has been electrocuted. I am screaming inside with no place to put it.

No matter what I do, what I say, how hard I fight, nothing works. I didn't do anything, what did they get drunk and decide to sneak over in the dark and let my pony loose? I changed that gate he could never have opened that gate by himself. That is just Tooooo Creepy, what am I supposed to do, never sleep? What is wrong with people?

Now another bad thing is happening right now. why? I cant take this.

Open Eyes

[lizardlady]

Open Eyes, as much of a pain as it would be, maybe you need to lock your gates so the neighbors can't let the horses out? Also, did you call the police to report that someone let the pony out? I doubt they can do anything about it, probably won't even come out to the farm, but there would be a record of your complaint.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Difficulties with neighbors can be so hard to cope with. I can only guess how tough it is to be involved in a legal battle with them.

(((open eyes))) please hang in there as best as you can. it may cost more money to get a new attorney but it sounds like you would be better off with an attorney who is more capable of defending you. also, your attorney should prepare you for the deposition well in advance. as posted previously, it is important that you document all your neighbors have done to you by calling the police - this will provide your with evidence. it's news to me that your neighbors can be present at the deposition - it is not a trial. only you, your attorney and the opposing attorneys should attend the deposition. i am sorry to hear what your neighbors have done to you. sadly, there are a lot mean people in the world. i have had my own issues with mean people and it has also resulted in PTSD and depression. i wish you all the best.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks for replying, I didn't think anyone would have anything to say. This is so creepy to me and I truely cannot understand why, just cannot wrap my brain around it. I put chains on the paddocks and it takes ME time to get them open, it is so creepy.

As far as my attorney is concerned, I tried to call around and spoke to different attorneys, unfortunately my attorney is well known and was good in his day, so,
none of the other attorneys want to touch his case. I went to see him and stare right into his eyes, I told him with everything I had that he has to get this done and get my depositon finished and make sure that I am notified well in advance. I looked staight into his eyes with every truth I could stare into his eyes, told him that I have bad thoughts and have been trying to get therapy but this needs to move forward.
I honestly don't think he remembers. What can I do? I know this must have been scheduled a while ago and he just forgot to tell me until the last minute, like the last deposition when he called me the day of and told me he canceled and the one before where he called the day after to say it was cancelled, both depositions dates were never sent to me. My last depostion was almost a year ago, that is a whole year of waiting and one of the credit card companies called me today to tell me that the agreement we made for a low interest rate for 1 year is ending and I just cannot pay anything higher, I can bearly pay what I was paying, and that is only one credit card, I have others, I had to do something to pay for the vets to address the mess created by this dog.

unhappy guy, yes the neighbors can be present at my depositon. It is not that I fear them, but they trigger me and I have no idea if I will flashback or what will happen.
In my last depostion they asked me a question and while I was looking down at the diagram I drew of how it happened, I flashed back and it was terrible, I lost such a wonderful pony, so sweet, not fair and had others too crippled to ride. This is sooo hard, just goes on and on.

I feel like I am in a big dark room full of strange things and I am crying out and no one will hear me. I can't believe all of this. And part of me has so much rage and I honestly don't know what to do with it. Between last night and today, one thing after another, it was just too much, all at once. Thank god my husband saw the dog and was with me, had that not happened I would go crazy. Everyone acts like it is my imagination, no one wants to validate the truth, even my attorney who is dropping the ball plays that weird game like it is nothing and he knows he is not on the ball,forgetting. I just can't believe it. I feel like that little girl that hid in her room in fear of when that angry brother was going to hurt me. I don't understand life, why, I never hurt or lied to anyone. I know there are bad people but it is like people are careless and lie to me and almost want me to disappear so they don't feel guilty. And I know it is not me, why so many? It just seems like the power and strength lies in the hands of those who are careless and should be held responsible.

And I do try to fight back, it doesn't seem to work. I wish that others understood how painful this is, my body is so exhausted, the GP has warned me, but there is nothing I can do. I just cant work and take these pills too, they make me too sleepy and I have to be awake and aware. And yet on a day like to day, way too many triggers, way too much. Why do people behave like this, what do they want? I havent even jogged the pony out to make sure he didn't get hurt somehow, god only knows how long he was loose. I tried to stay awake until midnight, but I got too tired. And I can't afford to leave them in every night, too many shavings, so much work and they need to be out.

I really appreciate the comforting thoughts, I know you have no answers, I can't blame you, I am supposed to be so smart and I have been wracking my brain for ways to get through this, over four years now.

And I know there are nice people in the world, I have met so many nice people, had wonderful customers and taught children from nice families. Why did I have to have these creepy people on both sides of me? And I don't even know the extent to all the damage as to find that out MRI's maybe, that would be thousands more. I wish I could wake up and this was all just a bad dream and not real. And I feel like I am somehow not strong enough, but I try so hard to be strong. IDK

Open Eyes

Does your attorney have a secretary or paralegal? If so, please speak to them. Let them know that you'd like to be informed immediately when a deposition is scheduled and of all deadlines on your case. If your attorney has no office help then you must change attorneys.

Usually local bar associations provide referrals. Please don't let prospective new attorneys decide if you should change lawyers. That's your decision. If you are impressed with one of them, ask them to take over representation of your case. Your current attorney may have a good reputation but it does not sound like they are doing you right and it also sounds like they are fading mentally and thus cannot provide you with sound legal service. You must take the bull by the horns and find new legal representation. Please think it over. Good luck to you!

[Open Eyes]

Thanks happyguy, I have called around no one will take the case, they all know him, there are politics in who knows who in lawyers, so I am finding out, his secretary is afraid of him and I am not sure who his paralegal is. The big firm he was with is disolving and I do have to sign paperwork giving him the case, haven't signed it yet.
Honestly I have been trying, it is very bazaar. Obviously this deposition didn't get scheduled today for tomarrow. I even talked to someone in the firm who told me about the last deposition being scheduled and that I should be getting a letter any day. I never got the letter of notification, I thought it was just changed it wasn't and he called the day of and told me he cancelled it and acted like I had been informed. Im telling you it is not right. And because he has been the representing attorney for over three years, that is another turn off to other attorneys, at least they were honest with me and told me to just stay with him an stay on top of it, but how can I do that. One time he mumbled a date and then I couldn't hear it and he yelled at me, it took me several days to get over the severe anxiety, I was so bad my husband had to do a job for me. My husband called him and told him that it was too late notice for me to do it tomarrow, I struggled with just going but there just was not enough time for me to prepare and go over my information to refresh my memory. I have not been able to look at it because everytime I got near my massive file, I either start flashbacking or I just cant touch it. It is really like a strange black block in my brain where I just cant touch it and look at it. And last year I had to do so much work on it. It is like my brain just wont go there for some reason. I am going to ask my T tomarrow why that is happening. I didn't see this coming it completely caught me offguard this time. Well, come to think of it this whole process with my attorney has been very strange. I really wonder if he remembers our conversations. And I don't want to blow this case, I am telling you I can't go how many more years? If something went wrong, I feel something is already prolonging it, unfortunately, my own attorney.

Open Eyes

Hello, Open Eyes. You are in my thoughts. I send you strength and the will to persevere.

[Open Eyes]

Well, my attorney called this morning and asked if I could do a deposition sometime next week. I told him that as long as he tells me ahead of time I could do so.

Oh, he just cut the conversation right then and there, no appology, explanation for informing me at the last minute, and no real date next week.

It is just becoming more and more apparent to me that people don't like to admit their errors and they feel like they are giving way too much away by just being responsible people.

And I am beginning to realize that many people just want permission to be irresponsible and disrespectful to others and if anyone doesn't play that game that person is isolated and punished.

And I am wondering if my attorney is going to remember this morning's conversation. Is he actually going to make real efforts to make an appointment for next week and inform me?
At this point, I really don't know. I might not hear from him for over a month, or two or three, that is basically how it has been, even if I leave a message, visit him and show my real need.

HHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH.

Open Eyes

(((open eyes))) Please take the initiative and call him tomorrow asking for the exact date, time and location of the deposition. Don't wait for him to call. Despite what others have said, he does not sound like a good attorney to me. Not at all - his behavior is very alcoholic-like. I have worked in the legal field for many years. It sounds to me like others do not want the case because they don't want to clean up his mess or deal with his abuse (as you are doing). I suggest you tell the attorney that you will stop paying his bills unless he treats you professionally. Regardless of his reply, I strongly recommend that you call the local bar association and get another attorney - fast. Having a competant, professional attorney represent you will help your mental state of mind a lot. Good luck to you!

[unaluna]

Well, you guys know me and probably what I am goung to say: I don't know how anybody can cancel a T appt, and I really don't know how you can cancel a court appt. OpenEyes, you have always been so supportive of me, please don't think I don't understand how stressful this is for you, because believe me, I do. I am panicking just thinking about what you are going thru. But I don't think a court is going to understand, and I am worried if you cancel, you will never be heard. That would be enough to make me go, to avoid getting into MORE trouble, as hard as it may feel now. I don't know if it is already cancelled or not, but please just try get ready NOW when you are calm, for next time! I totally understand how awful it is, and how impossible. How can you be such a healer of animals and helper of people, yet have this incomprehensible situation happening. hugs.

[Open Eyes]

Thank you unhappyguy, this attorney is going to get 1/3 of the settlement so I am not paying him until this gets settled. So when and if this gets settled I am still going to be left with only 2/3rds of a value for the damage this has caused me as far as my loss of animals and business is concerned.

I am not going to get any settlement for any personal and emotional damage caused to me. I am not going to get any fix for my now bad credit due to my inability to keep up with the payments on this debt that was so unfairly placed upon me.

I could have put in my personal psychological expense, which includes a stay at a psychward because I had gotten to a point where there was so much damage that I had damaged my feet walking injured animals and I was bearly able to walk, I could not sleep because of the terrible nightmares that presented in brain that would wake me up and I was shaking as if I was freezing and yet it was nerves that had been activated by what my brain was trying so hard to process. And though I tried very hard to perservere and be strong and find ways to address my daughters complete disappointment and anger and frustration and sadness and my husbands who could not seem to understand that the beautiful white pony that walked beside him as he worked with children, that made it possible for him to repair, stay sober and see a productive life, was now a cripple that could no longer walk beside him. And myself, who tried very hard to save my own pony that was with me for so many years, going places and giving rides to severely handicapped children, and giving lessons to little children as young as four that could learn to ride on such a safe pony and all her wonderful charectoristics that were so incredibly human like. The way she would yawn at the end of a party or lesson and create such a reaction in so many people.
And she would dunk for apples and every single time we were together, I never forgot to get on my knees and kiss her big nose and tell her how much I appreciated her. I really loved that pony so very, very much and deep in my heart I knew that she was never going to be replaced. And I tried really hard to save her life, and I know the vets loved her too and they tried too, yes, they saw how nice she was.
And it will forever be burned into my brain that last day, she knew she was dieing and we were alone in her stall and suddenly she looked at me in such an incredibly serious way.
She was very frightened and in some way she was telling me that she would no longer be with me. It was the most unbelievable experience I had ever had. And then the vet told me that I have to be merciful. CRYing.......... Oh why did that have to be.......it is a terrible thing to have to walk a little friend to a hole in the ground, walk one last time and as always she obediantly follows. To the depths of me I really wish I had gone with her that day, I really ache inside everytime I look out back and see that piece of ground where she lays.

That little presence in my life helped me so much, was the best thing that ever came into my life and was there through so many difficult times that were put in my life.

And I cannot seek financial recovery for the psycholgical damage that I have endured and have been trying to get help with. I would have to reveal that I was SA as a very young child and that would not be good to expose in my line of work. And how a neighbor who was very negligent, and knows he was, could be allowed to enter into my private past and pain is beyond me.

I have been SA as a child, date raped, mauled, and endured living with and alcoholic husband and worked so very hard to overcome so very much, but this has raped everything, all of me, in ways I could have never imagined. And these people have continued to tear down no trespassing signs and appoached me in very intrusive ways even in a lawsuit. And I am walking a line of wishing I never exited at all.

All I ever wanted was a safe place to just be me. I didn't have to be rich or very successful, I JUST WANTED TO SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW, BE FINALLY SAFE.
I am just sooooo tired now. I don't know how I am going to find money to buy hay for the winter, I don't know how I can keep up with the payments on these bills now and it so hard to turn away business that I cannot do because of the damage. Every time I am asked if I give riding lessons, every single time I go out and do what I can do with what I have left, that question pierces my very soul of existance and presents a challenge that is very hard to keep hidden from others.

And my horse, my little vacation, he was damaged too. I want to climb on his back but I cant, because I can feel that damage. It is everywhere I look, every day.
I have tried to be strong as best as I can but I have to admit, I am not doing very well. I can feel it everywhere, my brain, my body and my soul.

And the very last question that was presented to me in my last deposition was "What was damaged the most?" And as I stared at that diagram I had drawn where every one of my animals had their private small paddock that was safe and their own safe space, no more abuse for each one that came here frightened, hungry, neglected and insecure and had learned love, and appreciation and be given a productive life. Because every one had a story and some of them I had to work hard and pay extra to bring them to a safe place. As I was trying to find the words to answer that question my brain just saw so many images that I could not speak. I really could not form one simple word. They call it flashbacking, they describe it like a stroke, and it is because it a trap where the brain cannot do anything but see the images of so much trauma that it could just not process. And as I read the transcript it speaks of that question and the typed response says "CRYING". The depositon was to be resumed because the attorneys spent too much time on their small talk and my own attorney had to talk about how he was jewish, but not a bad jew and he had married a catholic woman and let her decide the faith of their children and I could not understand what on earth that had to do with this process called a depositon.

So many times in my life I had to face so much alone, since age two, I was young, so much to face and try to understand. And here I was in a room with others and yet again so very alone.
My attorney wasn't there for me, it was so obvious. The reality that was presented was really hard to experience. And I honestly don't understand why my life has been so very difficult.
But I can say that when I see someone asking for help and in pain, I REALLY KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. And I am so compelled to answer as I had myself needed that answer so many times in my life.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

When I first came to PC I was sooo lost. I didn't have enough money to get psychological help, I was seeing a therapist that had his own issues and I felt that someday he would make a good therapist because he was intimately familiar with struggle himself. He did make some mistakes with me and I could slowly see someone that, though he had so much potential, was struggling through a divorce and losing a lot and he was on so many medications because he had been a heroine addict and decided to save himself and got an education and worked at saving his own life and he decided to use his personal struggle to reach out to others. I could respect that and as I visited with him, I realized that I was starting to guide him and I was really in no position to take that on. So I started my search for another therapist and I really didn't know where I was going to find the money to get the help I needed.

So I thought that maybe there might be a support group somewhere around that I might go to and meet with others, something like what my husband had with his AA meetings. Well, there was nothing like that around me, but this PC. And though I didn't have a lot of experience with my computer and anything like this, I decided to give it a try. And I wasn't in a very good state of mind to be honest. And I had never been in a chat of any kind or had ever facebooked or tweeted or any of the things that are so common place now. I had always been way too busy to venture into those things.

I didn't want to start a saga thread and hang onto my situation and give it a life that I had to maintain. I just wanted to put myself out here and see if I find out where it was that I was making errors that I had to learn how change. And I didnt really understand what I had, this PTSD and what it meant, only that it was very difficult and presented things that I could not truely understand.

And I was on a medication to help me stablize these terrible night mares that woke me up and prevented me from getting any real rest. And this medication was to combat my days of battling constant anxiety throughout my body that I truely could not seem to think away or even begin to understand why that was happening to me.

And I was really triggered here in my first few days and I didn't know what to do and I had managed to make a few friends in that time. I logged on triggered and confused with a bad situation and I didn't know who to turn to and then I looked at my friend list and saw this heart and letters that said JD and it kind pulsated. So I PMed this person and cried for help. Oh, I remember this time, because I was such a shell, so empty and lost and this person began to sooth me and add some quiet prayers and strength to put in that shell. And she used her personal strength and faith that she had found in her life to share with me and guide me. And I listened to her own struggle with a brain that had been damaged and it was difficult for her to remember short term memories. But it was the depth of her long term memories that she drew upon to help me with my empty troubled shell. In my terrible state, I was crying in the dark and this voice was so kind and helpful. And never once did even think of questioning her own personal strength, all I knew is whatever it was, it was helping me soooo much.

I was so alone and lost outside PC and tapping away in my search to somehow allow myself a way to bring some kind of clarity to such a troubled mind, heart and very soul of me.

I wandered around and felt my way, and there really no faces, only hints of a presence. I went into a chat and not knowing anything about the names and people in that chat I tried to just ask questions and talk and the next thing I knew I was kicked out. Well, that is when I discovered that my medication effected my short term memory. I knew I would never have said anything bad and that it is my nature to ask questions but I could not truely remember the exact questions. I was frightened and confused about that experience and almost left PC thinking I was participating in something that might be hurtful to me. But I tried once again and went into another chat and there were new names and type written words that said, "Not your fault, bad room, we all know not to go there, others got hurt too" and then there were better words, "See our names, look for our names, you will be safe with these names we will not hurt you, we will share with you and listen and make efforts to reach out and understand you".

And then I started to slowly put myself here and find my way through a jumbled mind to some kind of clarity beyond all the pain to a person that was so strong at one time or so I thought. I really didn't know at that point what I really needed to learn. All I knew is that I had begun a search.

And then I slowly met other people here with other unusal names and each one had something to offer. A quiet man who just let me wander in him with a series of PM's into my past. And as I typed in memories in different PM's and inbetween did my chores and answered my phone and tryed to remember where I left off to continue expressing memories and parts of stories of my past, I asked gee, are you being bothered by all of this and that voice said, you can share, I shall listen. And I don't even know if I made a whole lot of sense because I was interupted so much inbetween. And I think I left this quiet man hanging in wonder.

And I saw all kinds of questions and did my best to answer them with a part of me that used to be so strong. And I did write walls of words because that is all my brain could do. My brain was trying very hard to focus and it did come out often like a locomotion of thoughts and all I could do was try to just let it do whatever it needed to do. And that whole time I was experiencing endless battles with crippling anxiety that I had no idea howand where that was all coming from.

And in many ways I was able to present that person that was lost that guided so many students and did so many strong things. And I did race around sometimes trying to hang onto that person that was so badly injured. That person could not function outside PC. Outside PC there was nothing for that person to really grab onto and just be once again.

But each time I came to PC, that person had a place to present herself. And there were others that spoke of the same struggle and offered support and even encouragement. And for the first time in my life, I was not really alone, at least not in the way I felt, so I continued and struggled and tried to find me.

A little bit here and a little bit there I was able to present that productive positive part of me that was so destroyed and alone outside this place called PC. And there were all kinds of messages and thoughts that I could grab onto to help me climb out of a brain that was so very confused and frightened.

I am not expecting anyone to resolve my mountain of struggle outside PC. But I have to thank every hug, kind thought, and every word that says, I feel your pain, I understand, perhaps try this or I cant really tell you how to fix your issues, only that I struggle too and I hear you and will listen when you need to come and rant, question, think or try to work on your own recovery.

It doesn't matter if someone else may not be perfect either, just the fact that someone is there to listen and present a few thoughts is a miracle to me.

Open Eyes

[Rose76]

I am sorry, OpenEyes, to discover that you are hurting like this. You are caring of others, but you are in need of caring. Wish that "caring" could fix more problems. Still, it is good to be cared about and you must know how very much your friends here do care.

There are good recommendations above. I do know that attorneys are tricky to deal with. Your case is important and you deserve responsible, professional help. The pony being lose must have been an awful worry. I hope it is alright.

when you talk to the lawyer can you record the conversation on the phone? send him an e mail the next day as a reminder?

it sounds like in this case YOU have to be the proactive one, not him..as much as it hurts (and i know it does)...if he is not being a responsible attorney for you then you as the consumer must force him to be there for you.

you pester the hell out of him...say NO it is not ok to reschedule..i want it now. you be pissy..or this will drag on longer than it has been.

it will never be a good situation maybe but you deserve to have it over one way or another...this guy isn't going to get you there & it sounds like no other lawyer will help you so for now you must use you pain & loss & turn them into anger & push this guy into doing the job you are paying him to do.

maybe he is related to the neighbors....maybe he is forgetful...who knows...doesn't matter..either way he needs..no must do the work he is being hired to do.

don't let your pain consume you & his lack of effort blind you. put it into a passion to end this thing once & for all...be his worst nightmare by forcing him to be where he says he must be. if you pester him & he doesn't show..take his sorry but to the bar...otherwise you will never see an end to this..

stumpy

[Mediator]

Hi Open Eyes
It seems that I read first time more about your real you. I am sorry about your troubles.
I am not sure how we are helpful to you but you are helpful a lot for us.
Lots of Love
Mediator

[Open Eyes]

Thanks Mediator,
Just knowing you care is enough. It was a long weekend for me, and I just was not expecting to have so much take place all at once and it was all very triggering and hard. Luckily I had an appointment with my T today but by the time I got to his office I was shivering with nerves and exhausted. And I took some medication while I was in the waiting room because I was so bad. My therapist near the end thought that maybe we could call my attorney together, he too was upset. I even talked to him about writing a letter so my attorney could understand how much I am truely struggling. And my T said that would be fine too. But I am hesitant with that because my attorney may use that against me in some way. At this point I honestly am not sure what he might do with a letter and given my past everyone looks for a weakness, a way out of their lies or mistakes or whatever they do wrong.

There is an old saying, never give someone a stick they can beat you with.

Oh and I have learned that so well. I had a nice little horse that I kept at my neigbors years back and I was a leader and she was coleader of a brownie troop. I did pretty much all the work even took care of the cookie selling job because no one would do it. Well, that woman decided to take my horse and saddle it up and ride it without my permission and she jumped it and perminently lamed it. She never gave any money in vet bills and helped with the horse at all.
I had just discovered that my husband was an alcoholic and made the mistake of seeking her comfort, and inso doing gave her a very big stick and she used that stick many times and I was really hurt and so was my daughter. I lost my troop, my daughter lost her friends and we were very alone and often isolated. It was bad enough for me but should never have happened to a cute and sweet little six year old girl. Many times I drove her to school because I knew how difficult that bus ride was, I knew that cruelty in my own past.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Thank you for taking the time to read through all I needed to say somehow. I know it was a lot to read. I guess I just really needed to let some thoughts and stress out.

Thanks for your replies,
Open Eyes

[(JD)]

grrr I just typed a huge reply and the screen refreshed and I lost it all.

Faith not Fear is the current avatar... that's what it takes to live in today's world, and survive. Faith. This isn't the end of the world...you can go through all this and lose the case or not and it still isn't the end of the world.

PTSD is an anxiety disorder and it's making you feel the emotions of this mess 10x worse than it really is (though it's big and a lot on your plate, I hear ya :hug) Try and step back and realize that people are the way they are, and you're still you trying to be a good neighbor... Do you have motion detector lights for your yard???... anyway...

Breathe. It's horrible to have to advocate for yourself to your lawyer. I tried to hire another lawyer to do that for me, but they insisted that's what the first lawyer is for They didn't get it, or they have a code of disregard or something among lawyers??? It's a sad state of affairs at best. And that's the problem you are taking personally maybe? (I did.) It's the system... the system doesn't work well for those with mental unwellness.

Breathe. Life goes on. Life changes. You get hurt. You feel better. You can begin again... but pray... and trust. God cares hon.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks JD, yes, I am finding it very hard to tackle this PTSD and negetive events and negetive people.

I am actually glad that I opted out of going to a last minute deposition that really wasn't last minute, just last minute for my attorney when he noticed he forgot to do his job correctly. And unfortunately because of how difficult the weekend ended up being in spite of my efforts to just do my best to ignore situations, Monday I was completely filled with anxiety. And it was not my choice, that is what I don't like about having this. I am glad that I had an appointment with my T and chose to keep that appointment instead of just forcing myself to do the deposition anyway, I just would not have faired well in my condition.

And your right about there not really being allowances for someone really dealing with a bear like PTSD that was presented by such negligence that I honestly just broke.
And I really don't want to present myself as an out of control person, because I know it won't do me any favors. And it is bad enough that my own attorney is so unpredictable. I honestly could not believe how he acted in my last deposition, I was so completely embarrassed by him. And the deposition became all about him and his religion and his celebrating a 50yr reunion for his Ivy League prestegious college and about all the high profile attorneys he knows and even their philanthropy. And I was so tempted to stand up and say "YES IT'S YOUR LIFE ATTORNEY *******. And yes I wanted to look at the other attorney that I DID like and say, yes, your thoughts are correct my attorney is just another narcissist and yes I am embarrassed too, and yes it would be nice if we could just get through what we really came here for, and yes you have to leave to go pick up your children and now, because of my attorney you have to come back and probably sit and listen to him talk about him again and I know you dont care, neither do I.

Actually all I could think about was, ok, is this Ivy League material or what is produced? I will have to make a mental note of that because I am truely not finding it useful at all. I felt like, yes I do have an old mercedes and yes they hold up well but when something goes wrong they are extremely costly to fix and they are often a waste of money and nothing more than an empty status symbol.

And the truth is, I am not a mechanic, it is just not my forte, and everytime I get near it, I am quickly reminded that all it does is make loud noises and doesn't really run well, if at all.

Open Eyes

[Rose76]

You sound better, OpenEyes. I don't know if there is anything that causes as much trouble in the mind as Anxiety. PTSD, as I understand it, is the ultimate battle with anxiety. But you are a seasoned soldier. Battles make the soldier more experienced, even though you could do without the experience. You probably have to keep on top of your attorney, as suggested above, checking in with him. Some day this legal process with be behind you, and as Faith says, you will go on and it will be the past. For now, it is the present, and has to be slogged through. Keep posting and know others are with you in spirit.

[Mediator]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Thank you for taking the time to read through all I needed to say somehow. I know it was a lot to read. I guess I just really needed to let some thoughts and stress out.

Thanks for your replies,
Open Eyes

Open Eyes
I am a fast reader but I am slow with writing and difficult for me to write, you know that English is not my native language. But really no problem to read any your long post.
By the way I sent you something about meditation, it is really generally helpful.
Take care
Mediator

hey, open eyes! how are you doing today?

[Open Eyes]

Hi unhappyguy,
I have to be honest, not very well. I am so tired and worn out and I don't want to talk to my attorney. I should call him but I just don't have it in me today.

To be honest, he is a pro at defending his incompetance. He has a lifetime of being in a field that basically specializes in this area.

I have tried to call around to other attorneys and theres no one to help me. They are all afraid of him or whatever it is, no one will touch it. No matter what I do, it doesn't make any difference.

This is really taking such a toll on me. I am so exhausted in every way imaginable.
I am really mentally and physically exhausted. My brain is just not in a good place today at all.

My therapist tells me that I am really fighting depression and I have tried some medication and it doesn't help. I am oppressed and I know it is causing the depression.

It has been over 4 years now since all the damage occured, over three years of his being on my case. I did work hard at fighting and doing the paper work and he is declining in his capacity, and I just don't know what to do. It just seems like everyone I talk to is defending him somehow and I am just hitting one wall after the other. And maybe he was good in his day, but he is just dragging this out and I honestly can't get through to him. I have tried everything I can think of. And I am really struggling mentally now.

And after this weekend, I am truely exhausted. I can't imagine what the opposing side must think at this point. I actually want to call them and tell them it is not me,
but I can't do that. And they don't care, they are just looking for a way to not have to pay. And I am truely crippled and I can bearly function. I know this is effecting my health, I can feel it. And I am literally exhausted. I actually don't even want to hear his voice.

And I wish my husband would talk to him, but my husband is afraid too. My husband sees me struggling, why is he not getting angry?

And my therapist wants to help too but is this going to give my attorney an excuse for his lack, I can hear it, Oh, shes crazy. I can't win, I don't know what to do.
I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

You mentioned that maybe no one wants to clean up his mess. Did he do something bad? I am not really sure, what is he doing? Is this just a case of a man that is losing his memory and yet he is trying to still function? I don't know, it is really creepy.

And I have a credit card company calling me and they are going to raise the rate of interest and I can't even pay what I have been paying, I am trying. And that credit card company doesn't care, they have a maze they put people through to try to get as much as they can. They called me Sunday too and I just broke, they just didn't get it either.

What do I do now? Go bankrupt? My credit is already suffering. Its everywhere I look, I just cant seem to keep up anymore.

Last night I was shivering all night long. I kept getting up and blowing the hairdryer on my body to try to feel warm, I sleep with the heating pad next to my chest because my chest hurts from the anxiety and stress. I am shaking right now, and its all nerves, it is like I am freezing and can't get warm, but it is not cold.

I am beyond anger, beyond finding strength, I am not doing well at all. I am in pain and void at the same time. And no matter how hard I cry, no one hears, they are all too busy protecting their lies or whatever.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I dont know what to do. I am so bad and shaking. If I take the pills they help but then I can't do anything else, they effect my short term memory and I can't seem to remember what client I talked to and I get so off track. And then when I do book something I am often worried if I will be capable of doing the job, and I know I need the money and my brain keeps asking me for a break and I do try, but I cant find a way to get a break.

I was doing so much better, really worked hard at it, why?

When I saw that pony loose I can't even tell you how violated I felt. This is so creepy. I try to lie down and sleep but I can't, I am always worried. I am afraid again to put them all out. And forget calling the police, they just dont get it.

How can I even hope to get better because I can't say that was the past not now, because it is now, every single day and I am every bit of that little girl that never seemed to find that safe place.

I think about those hours I hid way up in the trees shivering in the cold. I almost died of pneumonia and even then I couldn't tell. And when I get the shivers from nerves I can remember that huge tree and hanging on in fear and I can remember the tub full of ice and I was so cold and weak and frightened and the doctors face was frightened. And I could not tell any of them. I was so afraid. I am afraid now.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. And I don't want to love anything anymore because it all just gets taken away somehow.

Maybe I did something in a past life that was really bad and this is my hell.

Open Eyes

(((open eyes))) I am sorry to hear you are suffering so badly. You are up for suffering but are not up to call your attorney? Call your attorney and put your mind at ease. Write down your appointments so that you don't forget them. And, please call your MD regarding the stress you are under and the side-effects of the prescribed medication. If necessary, go to a hospital emergency room. They cannot turn you away if you don't have medical insurance. I am very worried about your condition.