[sw628]

I won't get into the long story of what happened so I'll just give the cliff note version.
I had a PTSD episode a few days ago and contacted T. She contacted me back the next morning and i was very displeased with her response. I almost never contact her when I'm in crisis and thought that this was what therapy is for.. contacting T when things get to be too much. I had sent T and email a few days ago about seeing a doctor and i still didn't get a response. From that day we have had a series of miscommunication that resulted in a huge rupture. I did something that i shouldn't have done and that was send T an email of everything that i had kept bottled up. I regret that as i don't usually rely on that as a form of communication for that particular thing. I was angry when i sent the email to T, but I thought the anger wasn't projected at her. The more I read the email in retrospect, i guess it was. Anyway, when I got to session last night, T did not greet me the way she normally does or even get up to close her door. She had this stern/wounded look on her face and her eyes were red. She didn't even say hello. I had intended to clarify what i wrote and talk with T about this in person. I need to be assertive and explain why i wrote what i did. However I shut down immediately. T said the email sounded visceral and like a slap in the face. She said that she would prefer to never receive that sort of information via email ever again. I understand and apologized as I shouldn't have sent an email anyway. I sat in silence most of the time and it felt as if you could cut the tension with a knife. I do remember asking T why we haven't covered much of the PTSD and she said that I couldn't handle it and it would be dangerous. After that, she recommended that I see another T that specializes in that if I want to work on that. I remember a few months back, T said that I should be more angry at her. I should be getting angry a lot more often. The way she looked when i went to address that email was heartbreaking and I felt sooo incredibly guilty and sad. It seemed that she was ready for me to attack her and seemed very defensive. I feel that I can never be angry with T again..and I won't. She even teared up a few times. I cried at many points during that session. I will take all the blame for what happened and yes, maybe some of the anger directed at her was unjust. I will also go on to say as a reminder to never use email as a form of communication. You should own up to your feelings and bring all of that with you in session. This is my first and last time.I still feel like we have a lot to resolve regarding the email as I still didn't have the courage to read it in front of her, because of how T reacted. We were able to hug at the end and repair some of what went wrong, but i still feel extreme sadness and guilt. I wonder if we can ever repair this rift between us? Please let me know what i could next time to prevent this from happening. I know i was in the wrong, so please let me know where I went wrong.

[zooropa]

I'm sorry this happened, I can tell you're hurting just from reading your post.

I just want to say that I don't think it's helpful to think of it terms of you being "wrong", you were doing what felt right & honest & true to yourself in the moment when you sent the email. You apologized once you realized that it wasn't a very effective way of communicating what you wanted to communicate, which takes a lot of courage & more honesty. But you weren't "wrong" or "bad".

It will take some time to mend, but it sounds like it will mend over time. Sometimes we open up our mouths and insert a foot. We all do it. You've apologized, but remember, the wounded party may need some time to heal. Give it time.

[sittingatwatersedge]

well hello twinnie!!!!

SW, from what you wrote I almost got the idea that yr T had read your email for the first time right before you came in the door (red eyes, yet). We know that they are extensively trained to keep their heads, to stay focused, to be objective, to look behind the words at the motivation, but Ts are people too, and yours was obviously feeling very human at that moment.

I think the odds are great that the two of you will be OK. Also I have a strong feeling that when yr T has had time to process what you gave her, she'll see ia lot more in it than just your actual words, and the two of you will find a LOT to explore. Your therapy may even take a new turn.

(not to say that you did right, or that she wasn't hurt, or even that she did right for that matter - everyone in this tale is a human being.)

I hope this is making sense. I did something similar recently to my own T, and although she kept her cool & assured me repeatedly that she knew it wasn't really about her, still six weeks later she cast some of my own hateful words back into my face, leaving me without a word of defense, feeling very small and miserable. I knew then that I had hurt her indeed, and I am still sick over it. If only I can keep the memory of that misery so that it helps me not to do that again, at least some good will come of it.

here - hugs from a twin....

Oh, sw. That sounds so painful. I agree that you shouldn't look at this as you doing something wrong, and it does sound like you an T will move past this rupture. T's are indeed human, and your T was definitely showing you her hurt human side. But it's good to express your feelings to others and then learn to work through that conflict. I can appreciate your T asking you to do it in session, though, and not through email. I have to say that this makes me glad that my T doesn't accept email, as I might be tempted and send something I'd later regret, or I'd completely obsess as I waited for T to respond.

It will get better!!! You took the first step, it will get easier.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

well hello twinnie!!!!

SW, from what you wrote I almost got the idea that yr T had read your email for the first time right before you came in the door (red eyes, yet). We know that they are extensively trained to keep their heads, to stay focused, to be objective, to look behind the words at the motivation, but Ts are people too, and yours was obviously feeling very human at that moment.

I think the odds are great that the two of you will be OK. Also I have a strong feeling that when yr T has had time to process what you gave her, she'll see ia lot more in it than just your actual words, and the two of you will find a LOT to explore. Your therapy may even take a new turn.

(not to say that you did right, or that she wasn't hurt, or even that she did right for that matter - everyone in this tale is a human being.)

I hope this is making sense. I did something similar recently to my own T, and although she kept her cool & assured me repeatedly that she knew it wasn't really about her, still six weeks later she cast some of my own hateful words back into my face, leaving me without a word of defense, feeling very small and miserable. I knew then that I had hurt her indeed, and I am still sick over it. If only I can keep the memory of that misery so that it helps me not to do that again, at least some good will come of it.

here - hugs from a twin....

(SWE)) twin!
Thank so much for the reassuring words. Oh! T had read the email the night that I sent it. She just looked so hurt and teary-eyed. I till feel awful and even though t tried to deny that she wasn't mad.. she was very hurt. T shows that she is human each time we have session. I guess I'm hurting becasue my intent was to not hurt her feelings are make her feel in anyway offended. It's funny becasue the more I keep reading the email, i see a new issue that i haven't talked about that are so important to my therapy. You are so right SWE T said last night that she feels like she has her hands tied behind her back because i don't give her feedback. What kind of feedback would be helpful? I'm still wondering about this response. I'm happy that you and your T were able to make amends and move on I like the idea of keeping the memory of the misery so that it won't happen again. You hit the nail on the head twin!

[sw628]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

Oh, sw. That sounds so painful. I agree that you shouldn't look at this as you doing something wrong, and it does sound like you an T will move past this rupture. T's are indeed human, and your T was definitely showing you her hurt human side. But it's good to express your feelings to others and then learn to work through that conflict. I can appreciate your T asking you to do it in session, though, and not through email. I have to say that this makes me glad that my T doesn't accept email, as I might be tempted and send something I'd later regret, or I'd completely obsess as I waited for T to respond.

It will get better!!! You took the first step, it will get easier.

( Dream seeker)
Thanks for advice. I really hope T and I can move on from this. It's just so disheartening the way things have happened. I apologized for the way the email was sent and i regret that i did it in that way. However, the more I re-read my email I don't apologize for what I said..entirely. I think there are some legitimate issues that need to be addressed and feelings that need to be expressed. Oh i so know Dreamseeker, I'm almost happy that you don't have the email option. Not an effective form of communication at all hah.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm sorry this happened, I can tell you're hurting just from reading your post.

I just want to say that I don't think it's helpful to think of it terms of you being "wrong", you were doing what felt right & honest & true to yourself in the moment when you sent the email. You apologized once you realized that it wasn't a very effective way of communicating what you wanted to communicate, which takes a lot of courage & more honesty. But you weren't "wrong" or "bad".

Thanks Zooropa for your understanding. I have a lot to work on, so i want to take this week to look within myself and navigate through the pain of this rupture. It did take a lot of courage and honesty to just show up to session after this, even though I did not feel welcome.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sw628

It did take a lot of courage and honesty to just show up to session after this, even though I did not feel welcome.

I'm sure it was really hard to walk through the door & be willing to face her reaction, I know when I have had a rupture w/my T going to the next session has been so, so difficult. Good for you for walking through that!

[mixedup_emotions]

How incredibly painful that session must have been for you...It might be worthwhile to do some journaling based on that e-mail - to expand on each issue as you think of it and what feelings are generated for you...And then read this in your next session....so you can make this a productive experience. Just a thought....

It sounds like you've already made progress by expressing yourself, showing up to the session and being able to work through at least some of it during your session!

But OH so hard!!

[BlueMoon6]

I feel very strongly that I should say this, but I could be totally wrong. When I was reading this, I felt that you, SW, were in no way wrong. And that your t was very, very wrong indeed. This is my reasoning....I am keeping in mind that T's are human and have their feelings, too. And that your email contained some really angry and probably over the top stuff. BUT, I think your t was very much triggered by your email, it triggered HER stuff. Whatever that might be. She is a T for someone who she has said needs to espress more anger (as in anger expression may be a challenging area, not always expressed in the best ways), so it was my impression while reading this that she should not be greeting you with teary eyes and a stern/wounded expression. Although there is nothing wrong with telling you that anger expressed in this way in email is hurtful, she really should be maintaining some kind of distance in order to help you, not frighten you into never telling her you are angry or having to tone down your anger before you express it to her.

Getting greeted in the way you just described feels manipulative. It reminds me of desk-t and what she did at times and would do it she received such an email from me. Do you want to work on the PTSD with someone else? Is she telling you she cant work on trauma?

It broke my heart to read that YOU felt guilty and sad for her reaction to your email. Is she teaching you better ways to handle angry feelings by causing you to wonder how you can help her feel better? By not even saying hello? How is this theraputic? Maybe Im just reacting to dt....again....this sounds all too familiar. Has your t been a t for a long time?

[sw628]

(BLUE))))
Thanks for backing me up 100%. I so needed to hear this today as i have felt so alone and guilty. My T just sounds all too much like desk T, and i wonder if i am being manipulated into meeting her needs. I just can't get how hurt she looked as i was walking into session. The cold and sadness on her face. She didn't even get up to greet me. She most surely did not say hello. I felt so unwanted and unwelcome. I like mixed-up emotions suggestion to journal about what happened and bring that with me to next session. I felt as if she wanted me to leave just as soon as i had arrived. Her eyes were red and she teared up many times. I'm afraid to ever be angry at her again. She does work with trauma, however for me, she thought it was best to address that at a later time. Right now we are working on the ED stuff. you know,I may need to be looking at different T's now. i just feel so low and shameful. This is only her second year in her practice and my first time ever in therapy. I was referred to her by my college T. I had only seen college T for 3 months anyway. i don't know what to expect in therapy or what great T's are suppose to look like. Maybe, i should have looked around a bit more.

[FooZe]

Hi sw, I just wanted to make sure -- is this the same T you were writing about earlier, 7 months and 180 posts ago?

Originally Posted by sw628

I thought the letter wasn't anything major, however her reaction shocked me. She appeared to look very nervous and confused. She just kept rambling on about doing what's best for the client and not causing further pain. She also used an example about certain clients that trigger real emotions in their therapist and so on. I believe I made her very uncomfortable. She said she was very confused and didn't have an answer....

( Made T Uncomfortable, 04-07-2009)

Originally Posted by sw628

My T just sounds all too much like desk T, and i wonder if i am being manipulated into meeting her needs. I just can't get how hurt she looked as i was walking into session. The cold and sadness on her face. She didn't even get up to greet me. She most surely did not say hello. I felt so unwanted and unwelcome. I like mixed-up emotions suggestion to journal about what happened and bring that with me to next session. I felt as if she wanted me to leave just as soon as i had arrived. Her eyes were red and she teared up many times. I'm afraid to ever be angry at her again.

I don't know that you're "being manipulated into meeting her needs" exactly but she does sound as if she continues to have issues around you. If you were to do everything necessary to avoid ever triggering her, I think you'd find yourself constantly walking on eggshells and there'd be very little room in your relationship for any actual therapy.

I understand that standard operating procedure for Ts who get triggered by their clients (as well as new Ts in general) is to get supervision. I wonder if your T has ever gotten around to doing anything of the sort about her (apparent) issues related to you. I could see setting ground rules such as no more than so many e-mails a week (or none at all), but to expect you to avoid saying anything that might trigger her or make her feel incompetent sounds unrealistic as well as counterproductive.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by sw628

(BLUE))))
Thanks for backing me up 100%. I so needed to hear this today as i have felt so alone and guilty. My T just sounds all too much like desk T, and i wonder if i am being manipulated into meeting her needs. I just can't get how hurt she looked as i was walking into session. The cold and sadness on her face. She didn't even get up to greet me. She most surely did not say hello. I felt so unwanted and unwelcome. I like mixed-up emotions suggestion to journal about what happened and bring that with me to next session. I felt as if she wanted me to leave just as soon as i had arrived. Her eyes were red and she teared up many times. I'm afraid to ever be angry at her again. She does work with trauma, however for me, she thought it was best to address that at a later time. Right now we are working on the ED stuff. you know,I may need to be looking at different T's now. i just feel so low and shameful. This is only her second year in her practice and my first time ever in therapy. I was referred to her by my college T. I had only seen college T for 3 months anyway. i don't know what to expect in therapy or what great T's are suppose to look like. Maybe, i should have looked around a bit more.

You felt unwanted and unwelcome. Maybe you were or were not, but at the very least, you were being punished for triggering her.

Not everybody who becomes a T has worked enough or even at all on their own issues so that they do not become triggered and therefore re-traumatize patients who come in with ALL kinds of things to say. To me, she sounds like someone who cannot, for whatever reason, react to your email in a way that is theraputic for YOU. She cried, felt hurt and who knows what else came up for her. Someone with more experience might better know how to handle themselves when patients trigger their own "stuff." I also would feel manipulated in your situation, and the scary thing here is that this T might not be aware of how manipulating her facial expression and withdrawal from you is. SW- Id run for the hills. Before you get further re-traumatized and have to waste sessions (and money) with your next T talking about this T.

There are plenty of therapists out there who can handle trauma. And the truth is, that therapists who handle EDs are often dealing with people who have suffered csa or trauma in their childhoods, often it goes with the territory. So, this therapist is probably NOT a person someone with an ED should see, anyway.

Do a google search, make calls, check with your insurance if you have that, but make the calls and when you get names see if you can check them out online. Look and see if EDs and trauma is on their list of specialties.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Hi sw, I just wanted to make sure -- is this the same T you were writing about earlier, 7 months and 180 posts ago?

( Made T Uncomfortable, 04-07-2009)


I don't know that you're "being manipulated into meeting her needs" exactly but she does sound as if she continues to have issues around you. If you were to do everything necessary to avoid ever triggering her, I think you'd find yourself constantly walking on eggshells and there'd be very little room in your relationship for any actual therapy.

I understand that standard operating procedure for Ts who get triggered by their clients (as well as new Ts in general) is to get supervision. I wonder if your T has ever gotten around to doing anything of the sort about her (apparent) issues related to you. I could see setting ground rules such as no more than so many e-mails a week (or none at all), but to expect you to avoid saying anything that might trigger her or make her feel incompetent sounds unrealistic as well as counterproductive.

FZ)))
Yup, it's the same T. Wow, you have a really good memory! lol
She said that she has supervision,but she rarely talks about it. I'm just so tired of the same issues. I really like my T, but i wonder if i am getting the help that i need. I don't think i am.

[sw628]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

You felt unwanted and unwelcome. Maybe you were or were not, but at the very least, you were being punished for triggering her.

Not everybody who becomes a T has worked enough or even at all on their own issues so that they do not become triggered and therefore re-traumatize patients who come in with ALL kinds of things to say. To me, she sounds like someone who cannot, for whatever reason, react to your email in a way that is theraputic for YOU. She cried, felt hurt and who knows what else came up for her. Someone with more experience might better know how to handle themselves when patients trigger their own "stuff." I also would feel manipulated in your situation, and the scary thing here is that this T might not be aware of how manipulating her facial expression and withdrawal from you is. SW- Id run for the hills. Before you get further re-traumatized and have to waste sessions (and money) with your next T talking about this T.

There are plenty of therapists out there who can handle trauma. And the truth is, that therapists who handle EDs are often dealing with people who have suffered csa or trauma in their childhoods, often it goes with the territory. So, this therapist is probably NOT a person someone with an ED should see, anyway.

Do a google search, make calls, check with your insurance if you have that, but make the calls and when you get names see if you can check them out online. Look and see if EDs and trauma is on their list of specialties.

((BLUE))
Running for the hills might be the next step. I just can't help but think that it's my fault because we are so connected and most of the time things are going great. Then I go and screw things up with my inability to communicate or issues. sigh...

[sunrise]

sw628, when I read your account, I think one thing--this T is very inexperienced and is making mistakes with this client. She needs direct advice from her supervisor.

You said that you sent her this email and then saw her some time later (days later?) for a session, and she was teary eyed and "stern/wounded" when you walked in. I have to wonder why? She had plenty of time to get her feelings under control, since you say she read your email right when you sent it, not just immediately before your session. With so much lead time on processing her own feelings, something seems odd to me that she is presenting this way when you walk in. It seems very un-therapist like. It does seem to me that she is doing that deliberately, to send you a message. As a T, she should know better and be trained in direct communication, not projecting certain emotions to communicate what she should be able to say outloud. This to me suggests she is very inexperienced and doesn't have some of the basics of therapy "down pat." I know it must be very hard to be a new therapist and have to negotiate all these different client relationships. They have to learn somehow, and some of it is bound to be by trial and error. The question is, do you want to be one of the people she learns these early lessons on?

I agree it is not helpful to send our therapists angry emails about everything we have kept "bottled up," but to share those feelings in session, as they come up, little by little, instead of all at once in an explosion. But part of what you can learn in therapy is how to express your feelings as they occur, in a direct way. This is a teachable moment for your therapist, and it sounds like she didn't make use of it at all. Instead, she acted wounded and teary and you ended up feeling guilty and like you must never get angry again. This is a BIG therapy failure for her, IMO.

It sounds like the two of you are close, so maybe her errors and growing pains as a T won't impact the larger benefit of your therapy. Or maybe they will. I've heard before that an important thing to look for in a therapist is experience (I[ve heard 10 years is good). I know some people have very good therapy with less inexperienced Ts, so that's not a hard and fast rule. Its just that having an inexperienced therapist raises your chances of having a less than good therapy experience.

I will take all the blame for what happened and yes, maybe some of the anger directed at her was unjust.

Anger is a learning opportunity for your therapist--to learn more about you and why you are triggered, to learn about your communication patterns, etc. My T has told me that client anger arouses in him a feeling of curiousity, and of progress. Ah, hmmm, we've uncovered something of importance, let's explore this and find where that anger is coming from.... I can almost see his ears swivel forward, like a horse, at the slightest hint of anger, and he turns his body to me in a very open posture, and sits forward on the edge of his seat. It's his "I invite you to tell me more" body language. I bet my T did not respond this way, though, when he only had 2 years experience.

She said that she would prefer to never receive that sort of information via email ever again.

I do agree. The client should strive to express her feelings directly, in session. I don't think the client learns nearly as much by expressing anger in an email. And if the therapist allows this outlet for anger by email regularly, the client may never become uncomfortable enough to express anger in session, where the T can help. I have found that when I am a bit pissed off at my T, that if I seek clarification immediately in session, I find out that T really didn't mean what I was getting upset about. I had misinterpreted something he said, or a tone of voice, or something. Being there face to face can immediately short circuit the whole anger cycle. If I seek immediate clarification before I get angry, then the whole thing sometimes stops in its tracks.

I wonder if we can ever repair this rift between us?

I think you can, but it is going to take a lot of skill on your therapist's part to really do it right and not leave you with the feeling that you can never be honest with her again about feeling angry. If you do try to work on this rupture, I hope you can tell her that you are concerned that you cannot be angry towards her again. See if she can work on that and help to make you feel safe again. It may take concerted effort over time on her part, not just a one time, feel good session.

T said last night that she feels like she has her hands tied behind her back because i don't give her feedback. What kind of feedback would be helpful?

She wants you to tell her what is and isn't working for you in therapy, so she can respond appropriately. If you don't tell her what you want, how can she meet your needs? For example you said you were displeased with a response she made when you contacted her outside of session. Talk directly with her about this. She can clarify her boundaries, if need be, or see how the response she made could have been more effective. You said she also didn't respond to an email you sent about a doctor. So in your next session you can tell her that you felt hurt or abandoned about not receiving an email response, and again, there can be boundary clarification (maybe she reads but doesn't respond to client emails), or T can say she ususally does respond to client emails if that's how she operates, and she must have missed yours, and she's sorry. That's what your T means about wanting feedback.

However, the more I re-read my email I don't apologize for what I said..entirely. I think there are some legitimate issues that need to be addressed and feelings that need to be expressed.

Great. Here is your opportunity to "give feedback" and discuss those issues.

i just feel so low and shameful.

I think this is very important for T to address, and I hope you will give her the opportunity by discussing these feelings with her. She won't know you are feeling this way unless you tell her.

If your T is not able to have these conversations because you somehow trigger her, then I think may not be skilled enough to help you at this time in her career, even though you have felt close in the past.

The previous post of yours that Fool Zero posted was kind of scary, as it sounded exactly the same as this recent incident. That was 7 months ago and she is sounding like she has not progressed at all.

Originally Posted by sw628

She also used an example about certain clients that trigger real emotions in their therapist and so on

Yes, of course therapists have feelings in reaction to their clients, but it's what they do with those feelings that is important. How do they handle them, and is it in a way that is not harmful to the client?

I hope things go well for you, sw628, whether you decide to work things out with your therapist or seek a new one.

[lauren_helene]

My experience with this has been that T's often do tell us we should get angry at them but then they really can't handle it. I am speaking from experience here. My T had a hard time with it on a few ocassions.

I am sorry she missed an opportunity to give you a different experience in the wake of uncomfortable feelings for her. I'd ask for more specifics on why working on the PTSD is something you aren't ready for. I suspect that if you have PTSD then you've been through hell and back...your ready but the question is...is she?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

..........Anger is a learning opportunity for your therapist--to learn more about you and why you are triggered, to learn about your communication patterns, etc. ..........The client should strive to express her feelings directly, in session.

well........................................
if the intense angry (or whatever) feelings occurred three weeks earlier, what is reported directly, in session, is giong to be very emotionless. I speak from experience. Maybe it IS better for the T to hear in email or on phone just what the feelings are - expressed in the moment, you know - than to visit them for the first time after the fact.

Not to say, I hasten to add, that people should get into the habit of sending rants via email or by phone. Not at all... this should also be a big part of the discussion with the T.

just my $0.02

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

what is reported directly, in session, is giong to be very emotionless.

That can be OK, maybe not in all situations (you gave a good example and I certainly don't doubt anyone's experience), but I don't think it's essential that we be emotional each time we talk about our experiences. If we're not feeling a particular emotion at the time we talk to T about it, we can still talk about it and how we felt the day or week before, or whenever. One can still say something like, "last week when you didn't respond to my email, I felt ignored and like I didn't matter to you. I wonder why you didn't email me back?" And that very unemotional statement can lead to a really good discussion and a new understanding/resolution. There have also been times that I felt rather unemotional about something that happened in the past, but once I started talking about it in session, the feelings came back (sometimes much to my chagrin, as I had planned to have an unemotional discussion!). Sometimes I like to get a little distance from something, so I can know how I really feel. I am not always good at spotting immediately how I feel about something.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by sunrise

This is a teachable moment for your therapist, and it sounds like she didn't make use of it at all. Instead, she acted wounded and teary...

Another way to put that might be that she did make use of it -- only not to move the therapy along but instead, to protect herself or even act out a little.

-----------------------

BTW, in response to sw628's comment that I have "a really good memory": not really. I realized I hardly knew sw628, did a search for other things she'd posted, and happened across that post.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Sunrise

Anger is a learning opportunity for your therapist--to learn more about you and why you are triggered, to learn about your communication patterns, etc. My T has told me that client anger arouses in him a feeling of curiousity, and of progress. Ah, hmmm, we've uncovered something of importance, let's explore this and find where that anger is coming from.... I can almost see his ears swivel forward, like a horse, at the slightest hint of anger, and he turns his body to me in a very open posture, and sits forward on the edge of his seat. It's his "I invite you to tell me more" body language. I bet my T did not respond this way, though, when he only had 2 years experience.

This is a good example of how an experienced therapist learns to help a client with their feelings. Without allowing their own issues to get in the way. I cant imagine that it is an easy thing to do, Id imagine that a t would have to know him/herself very well and have quite a bit of experience with situations in which they could be triggered. That said, dt had a lot of experience, yet either didnt care if her issues spilled out into the session or wasnt aware of it.

Sunny, I love your T

[sw628]

Sorry I've been MiA. I've had a lot going on this past week.
Anyway, t and i did discuss what happened at our session last Tuesday. I apologized once again and T added that there was no need to apologize and that she has accepted my apology. I did make a point to tell her that I didn't apologize for the content of the letter and that those were indeed issues that we need to talk about. She was OK with that.

T also something about being too open with boundaries b/c she cares about me so much.( like email and phone). She does allow me to email her and we talk each thursday night as that helps me to connect with her as well. Because of the incident she has asked me to not email her anymore and will soon be taking away our mini phone session on Thursdays. All in an effort to help me talk directly to her about my issues/feelings in session. This is fine, however I feel as if she is putting me under some sort of punishment. I've acted out, so she is taking away my privileges. It's an odd and peculiar feeling for me. I don't have the means of seeing to more than once a week due to financial issues, so our Thursday talks help me to connect with T throughout the week. They are very important to me and she wants to take that away as well. This makes me very upset.

I also told T how scared I was to tell her about the email in session because of the look on her face. ( stern, cold, and teary eyed). She said that she was unaware of this. T knows that I am a very hypersensitive person and I pick up on feelings and emotions very easily.. even if a person says nothing... I told T that I could feel that she was angry and hurt,,, she agreed with me.
My question is if I have to worry about hurting T's feelings, how will I ever be able to get this anger out of me? if i can't do this, than therapy just won't work.

So t and i did make amends, but it's going to take a while for this bit to pass.

I wonder if T will greet me at the door or say hello when I come in next Tuesday? it's a shame that i have to wonder about this.

[serafim_etal]

Originally Posted by sw628

I apologized once again and T added that there was no need to apologize and that she has accepted my apology.

This is very odd to me. If there is no need to apologize, then why does she tell you she has accepted your apology? This is a mixed message!

[jexa]

Oh sw, that's not good. Taking away your privileges does sound like a punishment and if I were you, I would feel very scolded! And, as serafim said, she gave you a mixed message about the apology. In my opinion, the first ("you don't need to apologize") wasn't true, coming from her. She may not realize this. All of her other behaviors indicate that she wants and needs you to apologize to her -- and even your apology isn't enough, because she's still angry. She should be able to deal with your anger without needing an apology. She should not take away your weekly call though I would understand taking away email contact but ONLY with a VERY clear explanation that it is not your fault, just something that will probably work better in the future. She is your T for Christ's sake!! Not your mother or your friend or anyone who should need anything at all from you.

Oh sw.. if you're going to stay with this T (which, if I were you, I would carefully reconsider), don't accept the conclusion you reached in that session. Keep pressing. This rupture is not over.

(((((sw))))) You've been so brave so far. You can do this. Get what you need from therapy, ok?