[rainbow8]

I had my session yesterday. My T insists she is not changing everything but I know that my days of getting most of my childish needs met by her are over. I even told her that she sounded like my former T!

Towards the end of the session she said "It's not taking me out of the equation; it's putting your "self" in there too!" She liked that quote (she made it up) so she wrote it out for me to take home.

She started by acknowledging my anger and then stating that I get too much involved in everything about her and the past, and it's not helping me. She said I'm looking at how I felt instead of how I feel in the present, now. She wants us to concentrate more on how I feel in my day to day life.

So, we made a few goals for therapy, to work on these issues:

1. improving my marriage
2. anxiety and separation problems (though that's improving)
3. getting me to not want therapy vs needing it
4. feelings of rejection

I'm not sure she wanted no. 3 but it still is my most important goal. I think if number 1 gets worked on it will help with 3.

I said I was confused. Does that mean we can't talk about the part who was so angry, and the part who hates the part who can't stop the pattern? She said, no she didn't mean that, so we did some IFS. This time, though, she asked where did that part learn to want the T to love her? I didn't like that question at all, but I talked about my first T and how I was so surprised when the transference started happening.

She wants me to make a list of qualities I like about my H.

I was feeling pretty depressed by the end of the session, and that's when she told me about the equation. She talked about my Self being there for the parts, and not her. My Self listening to the parts. That's where I get stuck.

In my email to her I told her that when she talks about what the Self is supposed to be, it sounds like she's talking in another language! I don't get it. So, I hope next week I can get a better understanding about what she means.

At the end of the session I asked for a hug and got it, and we walked out together.

I think she's changing a lot. She told me we're changing the focus. That's all. To me, it's like she's a different T now! I don't think I want her to meet those needs now, so maybe it's working. I feel differently towards her. Maybe I'm seeing her more realistically. There are some things I don't like about her; I stopped idealizing/idolizing her!

At one point she asked if I want to be happier. I said "I don't know". In my email I wrote that it's going to be a VERY slow process for me to stop focusing on our relationship. Very slow. I wrote that it feels like we are starting over, and I can't do this. I've lived many years this way, focusing on people I didn't really "have". I have to grieve giving that up if I decide it's worth doing so. You'd think the answer is a no brainer, but it's not!! I have friends that I do have normal give and take with. Maybe that's not clear from my other thread. I think it's a combination of not having my mother and not having intimacy in my marriage that makes it so hard.

I would appreciate support in my struggles. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

[WePow]

Wow. That is so difficult. My own T is doing the same thing, but we have been working together for three years now. It makes sense. But it is not easy to try to give ourselves what we need. Usually we don't even have a clue as to what we need! Then we have someone give it to us and we have no idea how they managed to do that. Like "Where did that come from?" When they tell us to duplicate what they did, we end up being very confused. It is not an easy thing to do.

rainbow....my XT, although not much, occasionally said things that made sense. She said we are all changing constinently as our relationships will too.... we are not meant to be stagnant beings. Sounds like she wants you to take care of you and those needs you CANT or WONT meet will need to be met by others....IE Husband? Hence the list? Just a thought , but i know with transference we can tend to ignore our RL partners etc and put all our eggs, as far as needs being met, into one basket .... the T basket....and you know what they say about putting all the eggs in the ONE basket.... my 2 cents

[rainbow8]

Thanks, WePow. Yes, it's hard. I've been seeing my T for 2 years now. Part of me feels ashamed, like she just "found me out", as though I've been taking advantage of her all this time. She didn't want to treat me as a diagnosis (BPD). She let me get "taken care of by her". I'm not sure she knew the extent of my problem though I kept telling her about my pattern. She said she knew. I feel like I cheated, but the part couldn't help it!!! My T believes me when I tell her that. My former T believed me too. I'm sorry if some of you don't believe me, and don't understand how much it hurts to have to give up my dreams. My T understands when I tell her "you shattered my dreams."

But didn't you go into this therapeutic relationship with the goal of giving up that dream -- that pattern? That's what you said you were doing. So why is it so shattering that your T is FINALLY getting with it and trying to help you do what you SAID you wanted to do in the first place? I guess I'm just not not getting this whole scenario at all. If you say you want to change, and you went into this relationship with the goal of changing, what exactly is the problem here???? And the part about "the part couldn't help it" doesn't make sense to me either. If you don't have dissociative personality disorder, YOU control the parts. Make the hard choices and do the hard work if you're serious about changing.

Tired and crabby and working waaaaaaaay too hard at dredging through the muck that I went through as a child to deal with much of this.

[minneymouse]

I feel the opposite of mkac- I feel like your T is *telling* you that you *have* to change, but not helping you with *how* right now. I don't think the issue is whether you want to change. You are the one who put 'getting me to not want therapy' as a goal. But you can't just magically make that happen on your own- that's the whole point! I think I feel confused about your T's current approach. I feel like she wants the best of both worlds, in a way. She talks a lot about your 'Self' and what it's 'supposed to be', but then refuses to do IFS, which is where the concept of the Self comes from, and which has the strategies which will strengthen your Self (= Healthy Adult in schema therapy terms). Does she have other suggestions for how you can strengthen you Self?

I'm sorry it's so tough right now, but you can definitely do this. I understand what you mean about it feeling like T's talking about a different language when she talks about your Healthy Adult. Because I'd never had that, and didn't see it in the adults around me growing up,I literally couldn't imagine what that would look like or feel like. But keep on keeping on, and it happens- sometimes bit by bit, and other times all at once. You *can* do this

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

But didn't you go into this therapeutic relationship with the goal of giving up that dream -- that pattern? That's what you said you were doing. So why is it so shattering that your T is FINALLY getting with it and trying to help you do what you SAID you wanted to do in the first place? I guess I'm just not not getting this whole scenario at all. If you say you want to change, and you went into this relationship with the goal of changing, what exactly is the problem here???? And the part about "the part couldn't help it" doesn't make sense to me either. If you don't have dissociative personality disorder, YOU control the parts. Make the hard choices and do the hard work if you're serious about changing.

Tired and crabby and working waaaaaaaay too hard at dredging through the muck that I went through as a child to deal with much of this.

MKAC: I'm sorry we're upsetting each other. If you can't deal with my threads, please don't respond. I don't want you getting triggered. I don't know if I can explain. I'll try one more time because I want to know for my sake too. I know there is some truth in what you say so I don't want you to think I'm dismissing you at all. But don't we all SAY what we want to do in therapy? Why does it often take years to change even though we make bad choices in life? Why is my situation any different? I've acted this way with 5 Ts, and before that, with other people, for about 30 years!!!!!!!

We can ALL control our parts. Then why is anyone in therapy? The problem is that saying "okay, I'm outa therapy" or "okay, my T isn't so important to me and I'm not making it about her" is almost impossible for me. I need help with my issues to be able to do that. Most of us in therapy can't change just because we'd be happier and healthier if we did. Isn't that why we're in therapy?

[WikidPissah]

Rainbow... have you seen any improvement in your core issues with this T? I mean, I couldn't speak when I started with current T, and I STILL can't speak most of the time, but I have had a few moments(albeit few and far between) of opening up with him. I can see the itty bitty bit of progress. Can you?

[venusss]

ad parts.... don't take this as offense, but you seem to put everything bad or uncomfortable on "parts". It's not you, it's this part and that part and the other part...

we are in therapy and here.... because we have issues. But having issues does not equal having no control over how we react to our feelings. We do... we just sometimes don't know better...


Your threads make me wonder if your real issues don't actually stem from self-esteem and lack of self-compassion issue rather than "unmet needs". You seem to have a lot of good people in your life... but you are try to fill something that others cannot fill.

How do you see yourself? do you like yourself?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

ad parts.... don't take this as offense, but you seem to put everything bad or uncomfortable on "parts". It's not you, it's this part and that part and the other part...

My current experience is that I cannot accept parts of me as ME. I'm just not there yet....We are the sum of our parts....but I am not whole yet.

[WikidPissah]

I think I am the only one on PC who doesn't have "parts". I am all wiki...too much so!

trust us youre not missing much!

[unaluna]

i'm tellin ya, get the coen book. I just reread half of chapter 1 trying to find an excerpt for you, and I can't exactly type out the whole book here! please at least read the reviews, go on amazon and read some pages. it practically has our names on the pages. i'm beggin ya.

Rainbow, I'm responding partly because I am upset; I've spent the last two years in therapy trying to address the damage done by having a mother who couldn't be bothered to listen to my 'boring' stuff, who wanted everyone to be exactly like her and felt she had the right to know everything about everyone close to her, and who had no respect for others' boundaries. But also to try to help you see that what you're talking about and doing is not some innocuous quirk of yours that we should all support you in. You said you wanted to change. You've been through five t's and thirty years of this. If you're serious about changing then please stop fighting your t.

Yes, we're all in therapy for a reason. Yes, we all have issues we're working on. But we're WORKING on them and not moaning about how angry and hurt we are that our t's are doing what we said we wanted - helping us to change.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry if some of you don't believe me, and don't understand how much it hurts to have to give up my dreams. My T understands when I tell her "you shattered my dreams."

I think a lot of us DO understand how much it HURTS to "give up our dreams" so to speak, when it comes to therapy. Speaking for myself, the ONE thing I've always wanted (and never had) is a mom. I've never spent ONE day of my life knowing what it's like to have a mom-- to have that ONE person who will take care of me, love me unconditionally, and make me the most important person in her life. I spent my childhood, teenage, and young adult years trying to turn every sympathetic teacher who took an interest in me into my "substitute mom." I would invest SO MUCH energy into them-- think they were equally invested in me-- and ultimately end up HEARTBROKEN, DEVASTATED, DESTROYED when I graduated and they disappeared. I couldn't understand how they could just drift away when they knew how much I cared about them & how much I NEEDED them (and I thought they cared just as much about me). When I started therapy with my current T 2 years ago, I started to repeat my pattern with her. (You can find plenty of evidence of this on the fora!) I wanted HER to be my mom. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I imagined her reading me bedtime stories, tucking me in, telling me she was proud of me, telling me she would always be there for me, etc. I wrote her a letter telling her some of this and I brought in a sad Kelly Pickler song that she wrote about not having her mom in her life. I wanted so badly for T to hold me and let me cry. But she didn't. Instead, my T acknowledged the way I felt-- told me it was understandable that I would feel that way given my history-- she told she cared about me very much-- BUT SHE WILL NEVER BE MY MOM. And, worse, that I WILL NEVER HAVE A MOM. THAT IS JUST HOW IT IS. NO ONE CAN EVER FILL THAT VOID FOR ME, AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to hear. I left in tears, sobbing, heartbroken. But she was right. I needed that kind of tough love in order to break MY PATTERN. I finally realized that I needed to change and I needed to stop focusing so much on my "impossible" needs-- like "I don't have that, it's not fair!" and "I'm in pain, I need someone to make me feel better!" And, instead, focus on (1) the needs I could get met-- by my friends, my partner, etc. and (2) how I can meet the needs of others and give them what I never had. So, I decided to become a Big Sister (through the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program) for a little 7-year-old girl who doesn't have a mom. While I can't actually be her mom, I can be her "big sister" and give her the kind of love and attention I never got (and never will get). It's too late for me-- at 27-- to go back and get re-parented. But it isn't too late for this 7-year-old girl. At first, I have to admit, I kept thinking "But I want a big sister for myself! I want someone to take care of me! I want someone to meet my needs!" But, after awhile, I realized how GOOD it felt to be able to give that to someone else-- to think about someone else, to meet someone else's needs, etc. And, the more I did those things for her, the less I started to wish someone was doing those things for me. The less I felt I needed T (or someone else) to be my mom and love me and take care of me. I started to see myself AS A MOM (or big sister) as opposed to someone who NEEDED a Mom (or big sister). I also started to see myself as someone who is "part of the solution" for someone else rather than as a "victim" of my own circumstances. Yes, I'm a girl without a mom, yes I was abused by my nanny, etc-- but I'm not that little girl anymore. Now, I'm a competent, generous, and healthy adult who has the capacity to help another little girl grow up in better circumstances because she has me to guide her and love her. Okay... so I know this has been a really long tangent... my point in sharing is just to say that there are some of us out there who DO UNDERSTAND and DO FEEL THAT PAIN and HAVE WANTED T TO BE OUR EVERYTHING... but through hard work-- VERY HARD WORK THAT HURTS AND MAKES US FEEL REJECTED AND MAKES US WANT TO GIVE UP SOMETIMES-- we can overcome our patterns and be better people. Our choosing to be healthy and control our behavior and act in ways that help (rather than hurt) the people in our lives-- is not becuase we hurt any less or we have smaller struggles-- it's because when we told our T we wanted to change we not only meant it, but we put our actions where our words were. Even when it felt like doing so was the most painful thing in the world. But, over time, that pains lessens. It does get easier. But, in the beginning, IT HURTS LIKE HELL. But, once you get through it, you realize what a strong person you are and the process of going through it makes you a better person along the way.

[rainbow_rose]

I think expressing your feelings here IS work, rainbow.

[Perna]

Rainbow, start talking to yourself, literally, out loud. When you are driving somewhere alone or in the shower, etc. Get a conversation going so there are "two" of you conversing and you can be for yourself like we are here when you type and like your T is in your head, etc. That's the best way I know to get to know your self, you have to listen to her and talk to her and feel bad when she hurts, etc. Instead of it just being "you" that wants these things, it will be "her" that does and you will be helping her with them.

I've mentioned before about how once I was at work and my fingers got into an argument with my head about who had made a typo? One of them got ugly and started calling the other names and so I got a third me in there; I was doing this all out loud and when the third me got in there, objecting to the name calling (not allowing myself to be a bully or to be bullied, either one!) my coworker friend fell out of her chair laughing.

You have to get that kind of space going in your head and heart so you are all those things you are, at one time, instead of sequentially -- all needy, or all giving, or all other black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.

[rainbow8]

I'm not avoiding responding in either thread. I've got to think about it all, and it's painful, but I've got grandchildren here today! to all, and thanks.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I finally realized that I needed to change and I needed to stop focusing so much on my "impossible" needs-- like "I don't have that, it's not fair!" and "I'm in pain, I need someone to make me feel better!" And, instead, focus on (1) the needs I could get met-- by my friends, my partner, etc. and (2) how I can meet the needs of others and give them what I never had. So, I decided to become a Big Sister (through the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program) for a little 7-year-old girl who doesn't have a mom. While I can't actually be her mom, I can be her "big sister" and give her the kind of love and attention I never got (and never will get). It's too late for me-- at 27-- to go back and get re-parented. But it isn't too late for this 7-year-old girl.

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I just want to say to scorpiosis that this is one of the most inspirational posts I've read on PC--it hits very much at the issues that I'm in therapy for and am working very hard on right now. (I'm just excerpting a tiny portion, but everything that you wrote is so important.) Thank you so much!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Rainbow... have you seen any improvement in your core issues with this T? I mean, I couldn't speak when I started with current T, and I STILL can't speak most of the time, but I have had a few moments(albeit few and far between) of opening up with him. I can see the itty bitty bit of progress. Can you?

Yes, I see some progress. I never used to admit that I wanted a T to love me, and to explore the feelings around saying that. I finally admitted that something wasn't quite right in my past or else I wouldn't have the feelings I do. I'm beginning to visualize my Self holding the child part sometimes. I feel less anxious in general. Yoga has helped me a lot. I identify with your not speaking since I had selective mutism and speaking has always been difficult for me. Still is, sometimes.

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

ad parts.... don't take this as offense, but you seem to put everything bad or uncomfortable on "parts". It's not you, it's this part and that part and the other part...
I do that because my T tells me "it's not all of you; it's just a part". This part stuff comes from IFS and from my T.
we are in therapy and here.... because we have issues. But having issues does not equal having no control over how we react to our feelings. We do... we just sometimes don't know better...

Your threads make me wonder if your real issues don't actually stem from self-esteem and lack of self-compassion issue rather than "unmet needs". You seem to have a lot of good people in your life... but you are try to fill something that others cannot fill.

How do you see yourself? do you like yourself?

I like myself better than I used to. I do have low self-esteem, though. Thanks for your input.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My current experience is that I cannot accept parts of me as ME. I'm just not there yet....We are the sum of our parts....but I am not whole yet.

That's a good observation, MUE.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I think I am the only one on PC who doesn't have "parts". I am all wiki...too much so!

According to my T, we ALL have different parts. It's parts of our personality, actually. An example is: I want to go on a vacation. At least part of me does. But another part is terrified of all the preparation involved and would rather never go anywhere. That's a simple example. Or: one part wants to lose weight. The other part can't resist chocolate.

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Rainbow, I'm responding partly because I am upset; I've spent the last two years in therapy trying to address the damage done by having a mother who couldn't be bothered to listen to my 'boring' stuff, who wanted everyone to be exactly like her and felt she had the right to know everything about everyone close to her, and who had no respect for others' boundaries. But also to try to help you see that what you're talking about and doing is not some innocuous quirk of yours that we should all support you in. You said you wanted to change. You've been through five t's and thirty years of this. If you're serious about changing then please stop fighting your t.
I agree it would be better for me to stop fighting my T. I just get this inertia when I think about my whole situation. It's hard to work on an issue when my T IS the issue. She's right there in front of me and I have to either tell her or cover up the way I feel about her. I choose to tell her so she can help me. That's the way I've been working on it. I know it sounds pathetic, and I agree it's not helpful. So I'm going to listen to her even though I'm angry and sad. I hate her.
Yes, we're all in therapy for a reason. Yes, we all have issues we're working on. But we're WORKING on them and not moaning about how angry and hurt we are that our t's are doing what we said we wanted - helping us to change.

It's not black or white. Most people wouldn't say I do those things. My friends are different from me and I accept them. It comes out more with a T. I respect others' boundaries usually, just not my T's. I don't know why.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think a lot of us DO understand how much it HURTS to "give up our dreams" so to speak, when it comes to therapy. Speaking for myself, the ONE thing I've always wanted (and never had) is a mom. I've never spent ONE day of my life knowing what it's like to have a mom-- to have that ONE person who will take care of me, love me unconditionally, and make me the most important person in her life. I spent my childhood, teenage, and young adult years trying to turn every sympathetic teacher who took an interest in me into my "substitute mom." I would invest SO MUCH energy into them-- think they were equally invested in me-- and ultimately end up HEARTBROKEN, DEVASTATED, DESTROYED when I graduated and they disappeared. I couldn't understand how they could just drift away when they knew how much I cared about them & how much I NEEDED them (and I thought they cared just as much about me). When I started therapy with my current T 2 years ago, I started to repeat my pattern with her. (You can find plenty of evidence of this on the fora!) I wanted HER to be my mom. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I imagined her reading me bedtime stories, tucking me in, telling me she was proud of me, telling me she would always be there for me, etc. I wrote her a letter telling her some of this and I brought in a sad Kelly Pickler song that she wrote about not having her mom in her life. I wanted so badly for T to hold me and let me cry. But she didn't. Instead, my T acknowledged the way I felt-- told me it was understandable that I would feel that way given my history-- she told she cared about me very much-- BUT SHE WILL NEVER BE MY MOM. And, worse, that I WILL NEVER HAVE A MOM. THAT IS JUST HOW IT IS. NO ONE CAN EVER FILL THAT VOID FOR ME, AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to hear. I left in tears, sobbing, heartbroken. But she was right. I needed that kind of tough love in order to break MY PATTERN. I finally realized that I needed to change and I needed to stop focusing so much on my "impossible" needs-- like "I don't have that, it's not fair!" and "I'm in pain, I need someone to make me feel better!" And, instead, focus on (1) the needs I could get met-- by my friends, my partner, etc. and (2) how I can meet the needs of others and give them what I never had. So, I decided to become a Big Sister (through the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program) for a little 7-year-old girl who doesn't have a mom. While I can't actually be her mom, I can be her "big sister" and give her the kind of love and attention I never got (and never will get). It's too late for me-- at 27-- to go back and get re-parented. But it isn't too late for this 7-year-old girl. At first, I have to admit, I kept thinking "But I want a big sister for myself! I want someone to take care of me! I want someone to meet my needs!" But, after awhile, I realized how GOOD it felt to be able to give that to someone else-- to think about someone else, to meet someone else's needs, etc. And, the more I did those things for her, the less I started to wish someone was doing those things for me. The less I felt I needed T (or someone else) to be my mom and love me and take care of me. I started to see myself AS A MOM (or big sister) as opposed to someone who NEEDED a Mom (or big sister). I also started to see myself as someone who is "part of the solution" for someone else rather than as a "victim" of my own circumstances. Yes, I'm a girl without a mom, yes I was abused by my nanny, etc-- but I'm not that little girl anymore. Now, I'm a competent, generous, and healthy adult who has the capacity to help another little girl grow up in better circumstances because she has me to guide her and love her. Okay... so I know this has been a really long tangent... my point in sharing is just to say that there are some of us out there who DO UNDERSTAND and DO FEEL THAT PAIN and HAVE WANTED T TO BE OUR EVERYTHING... but through hard work-- VERY HARD WORK THAT HURTS AND MAKES US FEEL REJECTED AND MAKES US WANT TO GIVE UP SOMETIMES-- we can overcome our patterns and be better people. Our choosing to be healthy and control our behavior and act in ways that help (rather than hurt) the people in our lives-- is not becuase we hurt any less or we have smaller struggles-- it's because when we told our T we wanted to change we not only meant it, but we put our actions where our words were. Even when it felt like doing so was the most painful thing in the world. But, over time, that pains lessens. It does get easier. But, in the beginning, IT HURTS LIKE HELL. But, once you get through it, you realize what a strong person you are and the process of going through it makes you a better person along the way.

Thank you, scorpiosis. You're an inspiration to me and others. That 7 year old girl is fortunate to have you! I will think of your situation when I'm hurting. I won't give up.

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

I think expressing your feelings here IS work, rainbow.

Thanks, rr. You're in the minority. I forgot. I never used to express my feelings and now I do. I think it's work too.

Originally Posted by Perna

Rainbow, start talking to yourself, literally, out loud. When you are driving somewhere alone or in the shower, etc. Get a conversation going so there are "two" of you conversing and you can be for yourself like we are here when you type and like your T is in your head, etc. That's the best way I know to get to know your self, you have to listen to her and talk to her and feel bad when she hurts, etc. Instead of it just being "you" that wants these things, it will be "her" that does and you will be helping her with them.

I've mentioned before about how once I was at work and my fingers got into an argument with my head about who had made a typo? One of them got ugly and started calling the other names and so I got a third me in there; I was doing this all out loud and when the third me got in there, objecting to the name calling (not allowing myself to be a bully or to be bullied, either one!) my coworker friend fell out of her chair laughing.

You have to get that kind of space going in your head and heart so you are all those things you are, at one time, instead of sequentially -- all needy, or all giving, or all other black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.

What I bolded sounds like what my T is telling me. It makes sense. I think I'm doing that a little more than I used to.

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I just want to say to scorpiosis that this is one of the most inspirational posts I've read on PC--it hits very much at the issues that I'm in therapy for and am working very hard on right now. (I'm just excerpting a tiny portion, but everything that you wrote is so important.) Thank you so much!

I agree, eastcoaster. You're not hijacking.

[venusss]

According to my T, we ALL have different parts. It's parts of our personality, actually. An example is: I want to go on a vacation. At least part of me does. But another part is terrified of all the preparation involved and would rather never go anywhere. That's a simple example. Or: one part wants to lose weight. The other part can't resist chocolate.

I don't want to criticize your T... but this seems as looking for problems (or parts) where there are none. You can want few things at the same time and it's natural... I dont think there's "parts" behind it.

I mean, who wouldn't want to not to have to work, but we all want to have good income at the same time. How many people would turn down gift of being able to eat all the want and looking skinny at the same time? I don!t know. WHen I want icecream, it's not some child in me. *I* want icecream... etc.

I don't think everything is about conflict of "parts" of you... putting it this way, it seems one would be constantly at war with themselves...

I am not discounting this theory all together... but to see "I want to eat, but I want to be skinny" and other mundane situations through this perspective... I find it too self-fragmentizing... and I am afraid one could lose who they are in the proccess.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I don't want to criticize your T... but this seems as looking for problems (or parts) where there are none. You can want few things at the same time and it's natural... I dont think there's "parts" behind it.

I agree. Conceputally, I understand the idea of having "parts." However, except in cases of dissociation, I simply don't "buy it" so to speak. I know this is not going to be a popular opinion on PC but, here goes... I've brought up with topic with T, and actually feels the same way. She has had clients who have DID and other, milder forms of dissociation and she that, with them, it was important to work with the "parts" with the ultimate goal of integration, so that only one "self" remains. However, in people without dissociation, she feels this idea of working with the "parts" is unhelpful because it actually enables and perpetuates childlike behavior in adults.

In my view, when someone's "self" is already singular-- and they do not see themselves as having "parts"-- introducing this approach and giving them parts can actually cause regression. Being able to say "my part wants this" as opposed to "I want this" can serve as a way of transferring responsibility away from one's self and onto someone else (a "part"). It also gives one more license to indulge one's cravings and other, maladaptive behaviors becuase they can be blamed on a younger "part" (oh, my part couldn't help it! she's only 2! she wants it so badly!)-- when, in fact, you are an adult who CAN help it. In order to stop behaviors that are no longer serving you, you need to accept your desires/needs as your own, take responsibility for them, and find age-appropriate ways of addressing them. Simply acting out like a child (and saying it is the "part") does not seem to foster change/growth.

[minneymouse]

I'm finding this thread really interesting. Before I started therapy I used to almost vomit with cynicism at the expression 'inner child', and it took me a looong time to get comfortable with the idea of modes in schema therapy. But my experience has been the opposite of what VenusHalley and Scorpiosis are describing- I have found that locating the wishes and longing and frantic behaviours in the abandoned child part of me has freed me up to realise that it's *not* my whole self. In turn, this means that there is another part of me- the healthy adult- which can actually tend to those needs and soothe the abandoned child myself, rather than relying on other people to do it for me. It's certainly not an excuse for me to 'indulge' my childishness or act out; instead, I'm not overwhelmed by my childishness, and for the first time I can step up and take responsibility and take charge of myself.

[WikidPissah]

I feel like a comment I made has derailed Rainbow's thread and her search for support. Maybe we should start a separate thread on the whole "parts" theory?