desperately need advice

I have always said how lucky I am to have my T.

Yesterday, I had a complete meltdown. When I talked to my T on the phone, one thing she said was that she cares about me because I'm her job.

So I emailed her today asking for reassurance, saying she's never said anything that harsh to me before. She responded that we'll discuss it more next session and to not worry...

I'm so confused and am really hurting. Do I read into her actions more than her words? Do I accept that she might have been serious and not really care? I know we both might have been having a bad day. But she has NEVER said anything like that to me before. And it's driving me crazy knowing I have to wait to talk to her again till Tuesday.

Would you trust her, and not worry? How do you not worry for that long? I feel so helpless right now, and almost terrified that I'll be walking into a dangerous situation on Tuesday.

What has she said to you in the past?

I have been through something very similar recently. It really hurts. My T said although I am her job it doesn't mean she doesn't care. She won't respond to email or text between session and just said we would discuss next week! I still feel very hurt and thrown by this recent experience. It made me realise I am just her job but she does care and she tried to reassure me that although we can never be friends we do have a special relationship. I'm sorry - this probably doesn't help much - I just wanted you to know you are not alone & that I understand exactly what you posted. Take care.

I get a lot of different responses from her...

When she forgot to call me on Christmas, her response was "I am sorry that yesterday did not work out to touch base".

Paraphrased from actual emails or verbal:

She will never completely leave me...unless she dies
I can always go back to her for therapy even if we have terminated.
She "likes" me (and likes all her clients)
She doesn't normally trust or do certain things with her clients that she does with me because she knows I wouldn't come back
She's concerned about me
"I am here to support you. We will get through this."
"Don't feel bad for reaching out, that is what you are supposed to be doing."
"I am proud of you for saying something"
We are partners in this.
I am here for you.

From today:
"No need to worry, I will see you Tuesday."

Yeah. It really hurts. Feels like I lost the only person I thought cared about me. Feels like there's no hope left. That even the person being paid to care about me, only cares because she is being paid. She has never said anything like this to me before. She has never been so harsh. I did make a big deal out of it when she said it to me, and she changed the topic around saying this was about me, not her, and I need to love myself, not people love me.

Idk. I've never had a T hurt me this bad before (except for the one that tried to hospitalize me when I was making progress.)

Something similar happened to me too, so I'll share my experience. I basically said to my T "I know you can't care about me that much. I'm just a part of your job." She didn't directly answer, but said "but it's not like I pump gas for a living. I think this is really meaningful work." She said more than that, but that's the gist essentially. It made me realize that yes, I am "just" her job. But that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I am a meaningful part of her life. A person's career is an important part of finding meaning in life, and you offer that for your T. I hope that helps somewhat. I think your T still cares. Though I do understand the need for her to care on a personal level. It still hurts me too, even if what she said softened the blow. I think the way your T said it was insensitive and harsh, and she should have worded it better. I would definitely take that hard too, and I don't think she had a right to say it was your fault for getting upset.

My main T once said "You pay for my time and expertise. My love is not for sale, so when I give it, I give it willingly."

That helped me, anyways

Do those other things she said come across so harshly to you as what she said about it being her job?

My therapist has never told me that she cares about me or that she likes working with me, or that she likes me.

I hopes she does care/like me, but I guess it's important to learn how to live with the ambiguity.

I know that I am my therapist's "job" and that she is running a business and I'm essentially her customer. I also know that I'm paying for her time and knowledge, nothing more. That being said, I think most therapists grow to care about their patients. Just because you are someone's "job" doesn't mean that they don't care or like you.

My sense is that if a therapist doesn't care/doesn't like you, you would have "picked up" on it already. Therapists are incredibly busy and don't have the energy to "fake it" week after week!

No. She has never been that harsh. Well, she has been that harsh, but pretty quickly makes up for it. Like when she forgot to call me after Christmas, the next time I saw her, she didn't say a word. She just walked straight to me and gave me a hug for about 30 secs.

She says she'll never apologize to me because apologies don't matter. But she will try to make up for whatever wrong she does through her actions.

_______

I guess I'm hoping that she had a bad day, and I really freaked her out, so I got some anger? Or that I am only to "read" reactions/emotions through facial, vocal, and physical queues together (not individually)? Maybe she couldn't read my emotion (she did ask at one point if I was faking it/lying to her )

I don't expect her to be my best friend. I don't expect to ever be a part of her life (meet her family, friends, see her house, see her baby, etc.) I don't ever expect to hear the words "I love you". But if she couldn't/doesn't care about me...she should have NEVER been my therapist. I made it clear from day 1 that I actually need transference to open up...that w/o it I will NEVER trust her. That she had to be okay with hugs because it's the only way for me to be 100% sure if I'm safe with a person. We promised 100% honesty to each other. We promised each other it would be more a partnership than a hierarchy. I know I'm her "job". But as a human, she can care about me beyond a professional view. She has to keep a "professional" role unless otherwise agreed upon, but she still can care. I assume most T's have a heart?

It sounds to me like she cares.

I know it can be painful. We had a major fallout at the end of a recent session and I was apologizing and she responded telling me she had a long day of work and was tired and that now she needed the work to stop so she could rest. I felt awful being reminded I am merely a job. After a few sessions I realized her response was the result of a bad day and she never says things like that. I think my behavior just made her mad and when I act that way she does feel like it is hard work. I understand now.

I'm sorry your T said that. Mine also said we will discuss next session when this happened and my heart dropped. The pain eased after a couple days and the next session she didn't even bring up the fallout! Hang in there. Try to occupy yourself with activities and other thoughts so time goes by faster and you could talk this out with her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yep. I can agree with that. Only way she could be "faking it" is if she's truly a psychopath or whatever it's called when you're void of all feeling. I doubt that though...if so, I feel worse for her baby than I do for myself

I do hope this was a misunderstanding. Otherwise, I know where I'll be Tuesday afternoon...

I'm really hoping it was a bad day. I know she worries/scares/panics easily. I know I truly freaked her out...she has never seen me this bad. Plus...I think she called the cops on me...not 100% sure though. She "left town" Thursday...which is odd because that's not normally her day off. We were also talking about discovering her "B****y side last week. Hoping that's what I found

And I have been trying to "save" myself from needing hospitalization. I contacted the crisis line. I contacted my pdoc (who also didn't work this Thursday or Friday...) But another pdoc changed my meds for me. I cleaned the whole house...lol And I wrote my T every little thing I could think of and put it in size 3 font so she could "skim" how I felt much faster.

I know some people would LOVE contact with their T in between sessions. I'm starting to think it's not very helpful for me

If actions speak louder than words...then she does. Just was kind of mean to say what she said, how she said it, and when she said it.

I just realized too...she might have been using my fear of abandonment and rejection against me. Instead of me wanting to end my life, she freaked me out by pushing me away which made me then fight for her. If that's the case, she's so freaking smart. I'd be more impressed than upset if she was that clever to flip the situation on me like that. If that's true, it actually worked. I'm so much more focused on her now than I am on my depression. And she does normally do everything opposite of what I want to do...

Guess why some really do deserve to get paid

Awe good for you! It seems like you are staying strong and fighting hard. Keep it up. Now you have a clean house as a result. Want to come clean mine? lol I've currently lost all my fight and feel so drained of energy.

What makes you think she called the. Cops on you? Did they come to your house?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

If she didn't say it with harshness in her voice she may have meant something else.

She may have meant that you see asking her for time/care/empathy as a huge favor and feel uneasy, like you're worried about her putting herself out. She's replying that all that comes with the territory, it's what she signed up for when she became a T. It's not that she sees you as a job in a cold, impersonal sense but that she feels that it's all par for the course that you have needs and want to be cared about and she's happy to be there for you.

It's not a favor to you, it's just what she does. You can feel free to ask. You don't have to be grateful that she's there for you, she's saying you deserve nothing less.

Well, I'm supposed to tell her when my thoughts reach a 9 or 10. I'm also supposed to call her; not depend on email. So I waited till 3:15pm to call her and leave her a msg...assuming she'd be with a patient from 3 to 3:50pm. At about 3:50pm she calls. I don't pick up. She leaves a msg. She calls again 5 mins later. I still don't pick up. I wait till 4:10pm to call her...again thinking she'd be with a client... NOPE! She took the freaking day off and answered the phone!!!! And she knew it was me calling

She really was not supposed to answer the phone...I told her that after she answered like 20 times...she told me to get over it

Anyways, about 10mins into the call, someone is pounding on my door. Not knocking; pounding. I'm freaked out, so I don't do anything (I hide in my bedroom...). My neighbors know I won't answer the door, I have no friends, family knows to call, mail doesn't come to our door, my fiance wasn't home, we don't get many solicitors, and if it's an emergency, they are to shout at the bedroom window (I'm not that social...). So I don't actually know who was at my door.

But it is convenient that someone was pounding on my door, when I admitted to my state of mind, knowing my T freaks easily, and she didn't react either to the person at my door. She could clearly hear the pounding and the dogs barking like mad. She said NOTHING!!!! She didn't ask what was going on, if I needed a minute, if everything was okay... She's always nosy. When I get a phone call in session, she always wants me to answer it.

So, yeah, I don't know for sure about anything. But, something just tells me, that's what happened. But I'm not upset about it if she did call. If she did, she was just doing her job... Oye..."job" /sigh

I honestly can't say for sure. It sounded really harsh to me. But then again, maybe I wanted it to be harsh? Maybe it was harsh because she thought I was trying to change the subject? Because I was trying to change the focus to her? Because my depression was more serious than whether she cares about me?

That is why T's shouldn't leave their clients "hanging" all week wondering wth is going on. An explanation could save me a lot of grief.

I hope everyone on here is right. I hope it's a communication error. I know she never shows emotion in her emails and to not take that personally. And I know I have misunderstood her a few times (we have actually gotten into debates over what exact words were said...she wins all the time if it's verbal...I only win when I have written proof).

I am so grateful to her. I care about her so much that I wanted to spare her the pain/disappointment of me giving up. I was trying to "release" her from all her obligations. So that she wouldn't feel responsible for me. I don't want to lie to her, break a promise to her, or hurt her in anyway shape or form...why I'm still freaking here. I am one of those people who live through others...and right now, I'm living because of her. It's not healthy, it's not smart. But it is what it is...and the goal is to change that slowly. I truly need her right now to survive. And everyone knows that...

'That is why T's shouldn't leave their clients "hanging" all week wondering wth is going on. An explanation could save me a lot of grief'.

Yes, that is the thing isn't it? These hurtful things could be quickly put back in proportion if T's didn't think it was ok to leave you in torture until the next session.

Stay as strong as you can until your T can reassure you again. She cares about you or she would not be seeing you.

I really like Starry-nights little motto: Don't put your key to happiness in someone else's pocket.

I had a therapist for seven years. He was very caring (I thought), there for me, said he'd never give up on me, listened, tried to help and on and on and all of a sudden within a week decided he couldn't help me anymore and refused to see me again. He didn't even refer me. I think he felt overwhelmed. I was struggling A LOT. I'm not saying this will happen to you. But I can relate to the fear. And the feeling that it is just a job to them. It's so much more to us. It doesn't mean they don't care, but it does mean that it is a lot easier for their lives to go on without us than it is for our lives to go on without them. It's so confusing and overwhelming.

It's awful to need someone like this.

I'm sorry your T did that to you

I have lost a lot of people in my life, which is why I have an extreme fear of abandonment and rejection (I even blamed current T of trying to abandon me first session...poor T). But she knew what she was getting into. I told her EVERYTHING about me. I had it all typed up in word and excel, everything from medications, diagnoses, current doctors, symptoms, past experiences, major life events...I mean everything! The only thing that might have surprised her was the fact that I can be extremely depressed and still laugh at a joke (that's the atypical depression...). But we're passed that.

It is awful to need someone like this. There are major consequences to having a relationship like this, but there are also major consequences without this relationship. Some times it's hard to figure out which one is the better choice and worth the risk.

I still don't know the status btwn my T and I...but I figured I'd use her techniques to my advantage (least I hope so)...

I wrote her an email last night saying:
"I'm going to trust you. Trust that your actions do mean more than words. And if that's true, then you do care about me. And if that's true then you are still safe and I won't have anything to worry about."

Based upon her reaction on Tuesday, I should know for sure where I stand. If she's mad, cold, distant, clinical...I have my answer. If she's the T I have known for 6 months, then I will gladly let this all go.

I figure that I care. So if I care, then I should trust her. And if she doesn't care, then I've only put my trust into someone I shouldn't have for a few extra days. And if she doesn't care, Tuesday is going to be painful no matter what I do this weekend.