Why can't I get past this?

So a lot of you know about my T changing her boundaries... she knew crying was very hard for me in therapy, took me awhile to get there, and started occasionally sitting by me and letting me cry on her...she held me and made me feel like it was safe and ok to cry. She abruptly took it away. I didn't really notice till almost a month had passed, and I had some pretty rough sessions and she stayed planted in her chair. So I asked her. She said she wasn't going to sit by me anymore, that it was only temporary. I was very angry with her for not talking about it before or right when she started, because had I known, I wouldn't have wanted her to do it at all.

I just can't seem to shake my feelings of rejection and hopelessness. Like I'm repulsive. Angry with her for not even talking to me about it. Angry with her for doing it at a time she had major stress in her life, AND I had just disclosed some hard things. Of course, my thought was those things had something to do with her change of mind.

I now avoid hard sessions. I come up with something else to talk about that helps me avoid the painful topics, so I don't fight to NOT cry. I don't want to cry anymore. I hate feeling so alone when I cry. But feeling alone, in front of someone else, feels even worse. I'm afraid if we ever get to one of those sessions, I'll want to quit. Because I know what I'm missing out on. I feel dirty, undeserving, I can't even think of why this bothers me so much.

I spent two sessions (and countless Emails,) discussing this with her, and she was getting frustrated with me. She wanted me to drop it, because she felt that my arguing about this was just distracting both of us from more important things we should be working through. I tried to explain to her this WAS important. So, I quit trying to talk to her about it. It doesn't matter anyway, it won't take away what she did, or my feelings about it. But I wanted her to understand, so she wouldn't do it with someone else, just to rip it away when she sees fit.

Someone on the outside.... maybe you can help me understand why this bothers me so darn much. It's been like a month now since I asked her and she told me she took it away. I'm back to "therapy," but there's that elephant in the room. My trust is shaken, and it makes me think if this will even make my therapy affective anymore. If I can't move past this, I can't trust her completely again and feel open to talk about things. I avoid heavily emotional things....because I don't want to cry. What good is therapy then? I really do like my T a lot, and I have a great deal of respect for her, I think she's a great T, who just had a lapse in judgment. I find myself having only gotten worse, because of therapy. I'm a non drinker, but have actually had the urge to start. NOT healthy. I want an escape, and can't find one. I feel so childish, demanding, frustrating....I'm 40 freakin' years old. I should be able to cry without someone consoling me. Perhaps that's why she quit. But she's been trying to get me to voice my needs. Well...I didn't realize that was a need until I had it. And it didn't matter, because I can't have it. That is why I DON'T have needs! Not that I voice, anyway. I can do without.

So, am I crazy? Or would many of you feel the same way? I am trying to articulate to myself why this hurts so much, and I can't. But no, as far as my marriage goes, I don't get it from him, nor have I ever had it from my family growing up. So just felt nice to get it now.

To be honest, I would prefer to see replies from people who really understand. I know there are a lot here on PC who don't get or want touch from their T....I respect that, but what I'd find helpful is input from those who would feel the same in my shoes.... I used to not want to be touched. Was that way for many years. Dear friends helped me out of that. I'm still weird about people I don't know....a coworker just last week whom I barely know asked me to do something for her, and thanked me by putting her hand on my shoulder. As soon as she removed it and walked away, I found myself involuntarily shrugging that shoulder, as if to remove "the touch." So I'm not there yet. But my T's touch was welcome, and helpful for me. This topic has affected me a great deal. And just caused more agony in my mind than I ever would have had without therapy. I almost feel, although I have learned a lot in therapy and have done some growing/changing, it also has added more heartache. ANd I question if that is worth it. Yet another person to be hurt from. Rejected by.

BTW, she does offer a hug at the end of each session. Since this happened, I have refused some, but had a weak moment and let her. But I told her I didn't know if I wanted hugs, because she could take those away next.

I'm just throwing this out as a possibility but it sounds like her touch fulfilled a need for you. You didn't realize it until you had it so now is a chance to explore what that need really is. You stated that you don't get it from your husband nor your family so it makes sense that you would enjoy it from your T who you have a connection and relationship with.

Is it maybe that you don't feel you are worthy of being loved/touched by others? Both in a physical or emotional sense? But when you do get it from someone who you connect with and respect, you are allowing yourself to get it and you love it.

I'm just thinking that maybe this situation with your T is actually helpful because now you can explore what that need really is and why you have it. I'm not sure what brought you to your T to begin with but it might be because of a void that you feel you have that is causing you distress.

What is it deep down that you get from her touch? Did you finally feel important and cared for? Or was it that you finally felt accepted and validated? I can't answer that for you, nor can anyone else but I think it is this "need" that you need to be discussing with your T, not how mad you are at her. Maybe it isn't her that is frustrating you, it is the feeling that you got from her touch and what it meant to you to have that feeling taken away.

Again, just my thoughts, but maybe this is another way to look at it.

I hope you don't mind me chiming in to answer you

It reads to me that your Ts touch signified her caring and compassion for you at the times when you were vulnerable. I'm wondering if it's the fact that she is no longer showing the physical act of caring or the fact that she's removed the touch which is causing so much pain for you?

I know I really don't like people touching me but actually would be ok with my Ts touch in those circumstances, however if she suddenly stopped something without discussion I would be broken and the trust would be shattered. I just think that suddenly taking something away can feel so much like punishment even when it isn't meant that way and even when people explain over and over that their intention was never to punish, it can seem that's what the message is.

I can certainly see why you are feeling this way, I would be too. How you proceed is up to you but I think your T should understand that she has handled this pretty poorly to be honest and you are going to need time to figure out how to rebuild your trust.

I'm in therapy for marriage issues, but that was only the issue that brought me there. I should have started years ago. I was born to a 16 year old mom, don't know my dad, mom was distant (her age, I'm sure), she married a man who was abusive with me and his two kids. I don't need to go into details and trigger anyone, but he was a bad man. I grew up pretty screwed up. Also CSA, former cutter, former suicide attempt, etc etc. So my REAL issues stem from my childhood, and my low self worth.

You're right, I don't feel worth, like I deserve it. I felt cared about, supported, validated. Being self conscious when I cry, she made me feel like I wasn't being judged, but accepted my tears. Her energy was very calming. Now all I hear in my head is "I wont' be sitting by you anymore," and even though she says it's not, I feel like I did or said something wrong. I have had a lifetime of people taking things away from me...and I felt so safe with her, until she, too, took something away. Ugh. HOpe I answered your questions.

I completely understand why her actions would make you feel so hurt. By no means have I gone through what you have nor do I fully understand what that is like, but the issues I have also stem from my childhood and not feeling like I'm worthy.

I think part of being able to get past this kind of stuff is being able to accept yourself for who you are and loving yourself before you expect anyone else to love you back. It makes sense that if we don't love ourselves, why would we think that anyone else would love us or care about us. Being hurt by others is a pattern (that I have fully experienced as well) and can be stopped by being able to provide ourselves with whatever we are looking to others to provide for us (acceptance, validation, support, etc.). My T helped me realize this and although I am not quite there yet, I'm working on it. It's really hard and some days I go right back to where I was before but having an awareness of why we feel this way is important to start to create change.

Holding a grudge against your T isn't going to make anything better, it is just going to put up a wall and prevent you from growing. You already seem to realize this, it is just hard to get past it. If you're going to be angry about it, be angry about it but maybe grieve it in the sense that it stems from your family and be mad at them. Your T should be able to help you work through this and once you do, you can focus solely on you and what you're going to do to change and reverse the effects your childhood had on you. The great thing about therapy is it allows us to change and you're given one person who is dedicated to helping you change. Your T is your partner and she can help you, it won't be easy, but that's why she's there

I totally understand your feelings! I have attachment issues (and other) stemming from CSA, and being raised by a non-nurturing, emotionally detached, unloving mother as well as a bi-polar (sometimes unreasonably crazy and sometimes absolutely loving) father. Needless to say, I have had nothing but contempt for myself since a very young age. The majority of my life has been void of showing emotion, giving affection, giving and receiving love, etc. Lonely and disparaging.

After 40+ years, I am just now learning how to deeply connect with another human being. I am also just learning that 'touching' is a good thing. I have my therapist to thank for this. My T. gives me hugs before and after every session. If she ever took even one of those hugs away, I honestly believe I would feel so rejected, dejected, abandoned, and horrified I would probably end it (I have sui ideation already).

I realize that probably sounds silly. But, the hurt my heart feels from missing out on so much emotional nourishment over the years is real and it is sometimes unbearable. To have someone that you have allowed yourself to trust and feel safe with for the first time in decades take something that is so powerful away, would be devastating. My point is, I completely understand why you feel rejected, dirty, hopeless, undeserving, and so on from your T.

The problem I have with your T. is that she did not forewarn you about her abrupt change. She did not discuss taking something so powerful and healing away from you. And to make matters worse, she will not "waste" anymore time discussing the situation with you, as if to say your feelings do not matter. To me, that screams very poor judgment on your T's part. Her actions were disrespectful, hurtful, inconsiderate, and self-serving.

While I am sure your T. had a good reason to stop the consoling, the way she went about it was 100% wrong. Personally, I would have discontinued therapy with this woman, but maybe that is the attachment disorder part in me speaking out. I don't see how I could ever trust her again. I certainly wouldn't feel safe with her. And without trust or safety, I could never allow myself to be vulnerable in her presence.

Please know I am not trying to "diss" your T. entirely. It sounds like you two have done a lot of good work together. I just want you to know I fully get how you feel. And no matter what anyone of us say here, the feelings you feel are yours, and they are real, and they hurt, and your age doesn't matter in this at all.

How do you think you can move past this? Do you tell her you cannot make progress until the two of you have further discussed the issues? Can you tell her how her handling of the situation made you feel? Do you think it will go in one ear and out the other? It baffles me that your therapist told you she does talk therapy. How is it then that she is not willing to talk about something that is of the utmost concern to her client?

Please be well. Therapy can make life worse while drawing out all kinds of crappy life events, feelings, etc. The therapeutic process itself can make a person mad! But, it is temporary, and it winds up making you stronger in the end (note to self - remember this when I feel like giving up ! Listen to your heart to find the answers on how to handle your situation with T. You know where to find me if you need any compassionate, non-judgmental support!!!!

Thank you. Yes, this is something I struggle with all the time. That's half the reason I've stayed in therapy. Although, like I've said, I've grown some in therapy (mostly using my voice more), but I really feel like that's something that isn't going to change. I can't seem to MAKE it change....I'm trying. I feel better about myself when I'm cared about, because it shows me I must be worthy of it... my T is well aware I don't feel like I'm worth the air that I breathe. I know it shouldn't, but her doing this only enforced that feeling. That's MY problem I know I have to deal with.

This sounds like youre being retraumatized by the t. My prev t was kinda like this - i think they figure that if we are in enough pain, we will eventually drag ourselves out of it. But it just kept dragging me down until i lost my job, lost my apartment, lost my friends, lost my place in the world. We have to experience love before "tough love" should be tried as a solution.

Are you open to finding a new t if she continues to refuse to talk about this? Have you tried talking to a consult t about it?

I don't get the idea of touch - but I do know how angry and crazy feeling it would make me if a therapist told me I did not get to talk about something anymore.

Thanks everybody. AllHeart, I don't take offense to anything you say. I know my T is not perfect, no one is perfect.... but I do wish she'd open up enough to just see that how she handled it was wrong. I really believe I'm right, here! And I don't typically fight for what I know is right. I was here. I told her it was TRAUMATIC for me, how she handled this. She didn't apologize for what she did at all, yet she apologized for how I felt about it, which made me feel worse. Like the way I feel is not right? I nearly did discontinue working with her...and I'm still on the fence, but I wanted be strong enough to follow through the aftermath...and see if I get feeling better about it. I've been avoiding topics and fighting not to cry, so I'm sure once I get to those difficult topics again, and dissociate (which is one reason she'd come over...to help me ground myself), or fall apart in tears, I will really feel the effects. If I'm strong enough, I will stay and work through it. If I'm not, I'm done. I know I have attachment issues also, and this stuff makes therapy even more difficult. Because of this, I know I wouldn't seek out another T. I have lived 40 years without therapy....I can just accept who I am and live 40 more years without. Because therapy itself has caused more hurt, more turmoil, because of this situation, and just the attachment I suffer with. I don't want to get attached to anyone else. In fact, I've noticed, since this whole thing happened with my T, I've been pushing people away IRL. Yes, I've told her this. Just last week at my last session. The topic did actually come up, and I told her I feel guilty about it. She said "how could you feel guilty about something I did, you didn't do?" Well, because that's just ME.

It sounds like you are aware of what needs to change but that you don't know how to make that happen. It also sounds like your T isn't being very helpful when it comes to helping you change. If that is the case, then maybe you do need to find a new T. You've already done a lot of the work in finding out what is holding you back and what you need to change, you just need someone who can help you get there.

It's up to you but I would have a conversation with her about this and then if nothing changes, find someone else who is willing and able to guide you to where you want to go.

I totally understand how feels to keep attaching to someone and to keep getting hurt, trust me. I was just talking about this with my T last week and even though it will take some work, we can be healed from attachment issues. It sucks getting hurt over and over and over again but you can change this pattern! You just need to have someone who supports you and really helps you work through it. Seriously, don't settle and accept a life you aren't happy with. It's not worth it.

Nothing gets me more irked than someone apologising for how I feel about something. Um, no one gets to do that! I get to own how I feel, you get to apologise for being the **** in the scenario

Just my prospective, you can not get over this because her letting you crying on her full filled a need of yours that was not met as a child. For awhile she provided this need to help you progressive with your therapy. However, this not a good way, best way is to be able to self soothe and you can learn those skills to do so. You will not be able to do so with someone always holding you especially someone who is not part of your personal life (like your T). Its different when you cry in front of your love (including friends) ones as they can hold you if you need a shoulder to cry on and full filled this need at some level, a therapist can not do this as they are not friends or family but someone to help guide you into developing healthy thing patterns etc

Right now you reaction its seems is being dominated with your "inner child". Only thing is your not a child, and that a maladaptive pattern or expectation to have with any adult (not everyone can hold you when you cry) and its unrealistic expectation to have, of course its okay once and awhile but every time you cry it is excessive. You have to be able to comfort yourself. People still care even if you cry and they do not hold you, I think its a change and its hard for you to except that change...but it sounds like ( i read the emails in the other thread) she cares and you may not realize it but she is actually doing this for your benefit so you do not continue to have this expectation, she maybe should have told you before stopping as it could prevent such a intense reaction from you. But to be honest any adult could stop for the same reason as it because unrealistic, and maladaptive, the whole point of therapy is to work through your issues holding you back, develop coping skills to understand, deal with emotions and self soothe--to help you become a healthy adult so YOU can live a great life. If you have attachment issues this is a good thing to learn as even if someone does not or cant hold you does NOT mean they do not love you or care for you, that will not change. Maybe view this a challenge see it and accept it . Challenge yourself to make a change and say okay how can I develop the skills to self soothe, accept change and not push everyone away? Your T can help to do those things. The reason im assuming your in therapy is to move past your issues to be able to develop healthy attachments to others and live the life you want, wellyou can do it and if you need to tell her you need reassurance, its okay as these skills take awhile to develop (ask her to tell you or for a hug) I'm not scolding your or saying this or that...im just giving you my perspective. I hope you find peace and everything works out for you (im sure it will) just know she not out to hurt you (even it feels like it).

I want to clarify this was not every time I got emotional. It was maybe half a dozen times over the span of 5 months (with me seeing her twice a week). I cried plenty without her consoling. But they were times I found it really helpful.

I usually only lurk but I had to respond to this as my T is a a HUGE believer in the power of touch and since I shared your situation with her I had to say something. My T thinks what your T did is wrong, hurtful and an abuse of trust if that means anything.
My therapy involves copious touch, and my therapist takes the opposite view of yours and some here. She believes I don't know how to self soothe safely ( i have used cutting, eating disorder etc to self soothe at times) because no one soothed me when I was an infant/cchild ( i have major attachment issues stemming from childhood abuse and my mom's mental illness ). So eveB though I am 40, my need for touch and comfort is like a small childs. My T believes we learn to love ourselves by being loved as children and we learn to comfort ourselves by being comforted ( at odds with your t'sT's idea that you have to do it for yourself). So by touching, loving and comforting me she models healthy love for me, shows me what good comfort feels like. I would say it works. While as sure as hell don't want to have to give up my hugs and snuggles any time soon, I am better at remembering she cares when we are apart, and starting to get better at being kinder to myself. I too have a big issue with needing things as I wasn't allowed to need anything as a kid. However the difference in my situation is that my T did not initiate affection without my asking for it. We didn't hug until I'd been in therapy for over a year because I had to say I wanted and needed it. Now we engage in a lot more touch, cuddling when I talk about some things etc, but that didn't start til 2 1/2 years in when I was talking about a childhood trauma and spontaneously went over to her and sat with my head on her leg( i always sit on the floor in therapy). At that point she said we were ready to talk about whether more touch would help me. Prior to that if I cried she stayed where she was and "sent me love with her heart"...soo it's almost like you T rushed things and then realized it and freaked out.
I am VERY attached and needy right now in some contextes ( we meet 2 to 3x a week and also text several times a day to "check in" and get some virtual hugs....However I also own my own business, am in a long term relationship, have several hobbies and generally engage in a healthy life separate from her except for the unhealthy coping mechanisms, core shame, etc...soo I'm needy and not needy at the same time...my T says it's VERY normal to get intensely attached and even preoccupied with your T while healing those attachment wounds. I'm sometimes afraid of my attachment to her but my T sure isn't afraid of it. She says she is self aware and if she gives me something it's because she feels willing and capable to give it. If that ever changed , she has promised, we'd talk about it.
In your situation, I'd be devastated. I'm not sure I'd be able to continue therapy. I definitely would NOT be ready to stop talking about it. I'd need to talk about it over and over and over until I felt it had been resolved. It's not your T's job to decide when a topic is done. I'd probably be crying all the time and generally a mess....bbecause if she just took it away no matter how she framed it, if it wasn't a decision we came to together, it would just worsen that fundamental attachment wound. I'd feel repulsive and unloveable. I feel awful for you and for the way your T has hurt you. I think the mistake was hers and not yours. I think your reaction is incredibly normal. My heart breaks for you. If my T did that I don't know how I'd overcome the shame and hurt.

Forgive any spelling or punctuation issues. Typing on my phone...

(((MusingLizzy))) I'm so sorry, it does sound like your T is handling this pretty *awfully*.

I don't get why she's telling you to not talk about it anymore? That would actually be my first concern - T is supposed to be a place where we can talk about what WE NEED TO. When something's bothering us, or hurting us, we are supposed to be able to use T as a safe place to discuss and process it. T is also supposed to be a practice relationship where we get to address our needs and talk through them. Clearly, you need to process this more, to talk through it more, and it's kind of crazy to me that your T is saying, "Nah, that's not important, let's just drop it and get on with the other stuff."

Can you try telling her that, regardless of how she feels, it IS important to you, and you need to talk about it, over and over again, until you can get to an OK place with it? Do you think she's hearing and understanding how much she hurt you?

As far as the holding, I totally get how comforting that would be, and how crazy it would feel to have it abruptly disappear. If I were in your place, I'd have a really hard time believing that I wasn't being punished for something, or that I hadn't done anything wrong . So, I'm sorry that your T isn't doing a better job of explaining WHY she's doing this, and of helping you feel like it's NOT your fault - there's nothing wrong with you, and you haven't done anything wrong. (She should really be doing this, especially since you're clearly expressing to her how much pain it's causing you!)

I don't know if any of this helps... but sometimes knowing more of the technical reasons can maybe ease the pain a little..

Did you ever see this from "Attachment Girl"'s blog?
Why your therapist SEEMS cruel, but really isn?t | Tales of a Boundary Ninja

It's a really good article on how when a therapist comforts us when crying, it can actually mean we don't process the emotion, so we don't heal. I absolutely *hate* this (!) - and honestly - it's part of why I haven't cried yet in therapy, because omg! Who wants their therapist sitting silently across the room just *staring*, even if they're trying to project empathy, but she explains it really well...

Again, I'm sorry . It sounds like, no matter how well-intentioned, your therapist isn't getting what a huge effect this has had on you, and is expecting you to just suck it up and get on with the program. But life doesn't work that way, neither does therapy! You deserve to have all the time and space that you need to talk through this with her, as many times as you need to, and she needs to get on board with that!

I think because it's a loss. It's the loss of something you value. As someone who totally misses rooms and objects and has a hard time with certain changes I hear you. It's the lost of something comforting and healing. You need to process this and therapy is the place to do that. Sadly your T has locked down on what is and isn't ok to discuss. Maybe try talking about it in terms of what you feel, why you feel it and ways to help heal. Give it time, you will move past this.

I'm probably repeating myself but I understand, and you know I do! I don't know if my T gets it either but I'm going to find out. When I recently told her I was afraid she was going to hurt me, she said that was transference, and someone in my past hurt me. But when I thought about it , I realized that SHE hurt me. Just like your T did. She took away the best part of my therapy, the blanket of love I felt when holding her hand. Like your T, she didn't discuss it with me first.

I don't know why I was able to accept her decision without the repercussions you're having. If I knew, I'd tell you. I went about 3 years without the hand holding. It's been about a year since she reinstated it, but it's different now. I still feel she hurt me by lying to me and not discussing it with me.

It's from the child or baby part. which is probably why you can't let go of the hurt. The touching fills a basic need for connection like an infant with its Mommy. For me, it was a new feeling of calm and safety that I never felt before. When my T took it away, I felt like she was killing me!!! Maybe Ts underestimate how much that touch means. My T must know because she doesn't want me to need it from her permanently.

I wish your T would have acknowledged how you felt and her part in not handling it in the best way. Have you told her that her reaction is preventing you from moving forward? What did she say? I guess you have to use radical acceptance, a DBT skill, so you can move on.

I can see why many Ts don't want to use touch. It makes us want more and more even though the goal is to comfort ourselves. That's why my T tells me every single session why we are engaging in touch.

I haven't solved anything here, but wanted you to know how much I understand. I hope you can get past this by working through it with your t. What about a consultation with another T about the problem?

It seems to me that your Ts actions may have been a trigger for you to re-experience rejection and abandonment, perhaps powerlessness. I had an experience that my ex- Ts words triggered me, and I always felt she should have given some acknowledgement - really I wanted her to apologise or at the least support me in focusing on the emotions I felt, really I think these emotions were the key to my issues. I don't know how you and your T can get passed this, I'd be interested to hear if you do and how you manage it. There were a number of reasons why I quit that T, but this was one of them. I discussed the triggering briefly with my new T, and I just know that it would/ will be handled really differently if it happens with her. I too felt that my therapy was traumatising. I tried and tried and tried to stay with it.

her actions would make me feel hurt too. you never know, maybe someone she knew therapy-wise challenged her on her boundaries with touch and that made her more cautious or self aware.

I've skipped all the responses but will read them.

It's because it's just like with your mom - you're mad and hurt and can't talk to her about it. And, you finally thought you had someone who WOULD listen and you COULD talk to about it.

It is going to be very hard for you to keep going without discussing it. I think you need to tell her WHY you need to talk about it. Tell her that you aren't talking about it to change her mind (I think you can see that won't happen) but you need to talk about it to look at the underlying reasons and how to avoid it with other people.

And, I think it's not about the touch anymore. It's about the feeling of rejection - she kind of did that twice to you: once when taking away touch and again when refusing to discuss it anymore. She should look at how it's affecting you and start digging in those issues.

Oh, and the attachment girl blog that someone posted is great! Ruptures are so hard with our T's but hopefully getting through them deepens the relationship and both T. and client learn something.

I also wanted to add that my T says it's ok to need the tough for as long as i need it. That I'm the one who will.know when I'm ready to let it go. She doesn't worry about me never being able to be independent. That's not a natural progression. If I can't eventually move past the NEED ( which isn't to say I won't find it comforting and some times WANT it but I won't have that desperate need) then we are missing something in my therapy and need to dig until we find it. The natural progression is for children to be very clingy in the early years and get less so as their attachment becomes more secure and they development more attachments outside the family unit. She says it realistically could take years to reach a point where I don't feel like i NEED her and that's ok. she feels oineed to just let it happen, experience being loved and experience having my needs met reliably. I say it's like mmagic but she says this is how early care taking relationships work. For example she is on vacation for 2 weeks right now which I had trouble dealing with. I usually keep a small stuffed wolf in her office ( wolf is my totem animal and I call my inner child "little wolf"). I said the best thing would be for her to take little wolf with her when she went but I knew she wouldn't so I'd probably take her home for the 2 weeks. She responded with " if it will make my absence a lot easier for you why wouldn't I take little wolf with me? It's an easy thing to do and would mean so much to you. Of course I'll take her with me". ..i was floored and amazed. It seemed like true magic. ..i hope you can find what you need to heal with your T. I wish she wasn't rushing you to be independent before you were ready...

THanks for the blog link, I'll read it after I post! I really appreciate all of the replies!

And BayBrony, thank you SO much for thinking enough of it to bring it up to your T!! I really, REALLY wanted a T's perspective on this. She took it away. Fine. It's not THAT she did it. It's HOW and WHEN she did it.

When- she did it when she was facing major stress in her life. We don't think rationally then. She also did it after I had disclosed some things to her I was having a really hard time disclosing. So of course I would think that is the reason.

How- she started touch late summer/early fall, somewhere in there. It happened less than a dozen times. More like half a dozen, she says. I asked for it the very first time. She said "I was just going to." I never asked, or expected it again. She offered it on her own, when she saw fit. One of the last times she even said "I haven't come sit by you in awhile. I think today's the day." It didn't happen every time I was upset. I could never predict it. I dissociate, sometimes she did it to help keep me grounded when I was starting to tune out. Sometimes she did it when I was really upset, crying, and just hurting. But not always. And that was ok. I knew I needed to get through this on my own. But the times she did do it lasted me for several sessions after. It just reminded me that she understood. That it was ok to cry. That I was cared about by her. That she was willing to give a little of herself to me to help me get through this. I heard her stinkin' heartbeat for God's sake! It was soothing to me. But I never asked for it (after the first time,) she chose when she thought was a good time. It went on for 5 months (she said). She also said half a dozen times. So that would be about 40 sessions!! 6 times in 40 sessions?? That is all, but was enough to make a difference to me.

Yes, I view it as punishment, rejection, and something I did. She swears it's none of those things. She knows how badly it hurt me, she knows I was traumatized by it, and I swore it was just a set up, for her to help me show anger....which I couldn't do.... and then once I did, I hoped she'd say "ok, I was just kidding!" Nope, she was not kidding. And she saw me stick up for myself in a big way. She knows it hurt. I told her nothing she would say could ever make me feel like it wasn't my fault. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Again, she apologized for my feelings. Not for hurting me.

So, I have a problem with her not talking to me about it in the beginning. Telling me this was not her modality, and that she's straying a little bit from her beliefs, but that it would only be temporary. She could have told me that either before hand, or somewhere near the beginning. Or even towards the end. Not take it away without talking to me about it first. I fought for myself. Stuck up for myself and my "needs" and "feelings." No, I did not get this as a child. I told her perhaps it's my inner child who desires it. She said that I'm an adult and need to learn how to cope as an adult. yet she also had recently said I need to "embrace my inner child and fulfill her needs". She knows I think this whole inner child stuff is bull *****. But, I was willing to admit that's where it could be coming from.

I'm avoiding deep subjects. I will leave therapy before I start crying again. I already walked out early once, because I could feel the tears coming, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit there and cry. And she knows darn well one of my biggest issues is sitting there crying, being stared at while I do. I was at the lowest of the low at that time. She knew that. That, also, is where her timing sucked.

I spent countless Emails and two sessions talking about it. She called it a "red herring." She thought we'd reached an impasse, and she seemed a little defensive. I think, perhaps, she wanted me to drop it because maybe she knows she didn't handle it in the best way but couldn't admit it? A couple people mentioned countertransference. She was having major issues with her daughter. Perhaps I was soothing her, in letting her soothe me? ANd perhaps she realized that and spooked? I know all of this is just a repeat. But It still hurts. And I see it hindering my therapy. I'm NOT done with this subject. But I thought I'd do as she wished, and hope that maybe my hurt feelings will just go away. I feel untouchable. Unlovable. I'm pushing others in my life away. I don't trust her completely like I did. I hope I will again. I like her a lot. I appreciate all she's done for me. We work well together. In fact she said that. "we work well together, can't we just drop it and get on with more important stuff?" That's when I DID tell her how important processing this was to me. She says "well lets process it then! When else have you ever felt like this?" DING DING DING....was she trying to bring this up? Bring up this awful feeling so I could describe when I've felt it in the past?

I'm not getting it back, and I don't want it back. Not to risk losing it again. I just wish she'd apologize. Not for how I feel (which she has), but for going about this the wrong way. I feel worse now than I ever did before therapy. But I just go in there now, play robot, and try to keep going on whatever she brings up. I myself am not doing much to bring up topics anymore. Yet she can get me talking relatively easily. Although today, not so much. She asked me to talk about things that are on my mind that I don't want to think about. THIS. But I wasn't ready to bring it back up again.

Off to read that blog.... but Bay, thank you SO much for asking your T! I know we actually have Ts on here, and I really was hoping for an opinion from one.... so you helped me a great deal!

I admit I asked my T selfishly. .. like "you aren't going to do this, right? ??? Because it will kill me"....she said it hurt her heart terribly the know another T had done something like that ( even though she knows there are bad T's out there) to someone with the kind of deep attachment wounds I have. She thought it was an abuse of trust. She doesn't think a T should EVER offer support they are not willing to continue giving unless it's carefully discussed first so no one is hurt. For example no matter how close we are she still doesn't answer reliably on weekends except at night before bed. If she does text me during the day on a weekend she will say " I just happen to have a quiet moment" or something to make it clear it's not a usual thing. She knows she needs that time. Touch is powerful and she said that scares some Ts. It's like a loss of control.... Anyway she felt terribly for you and thought it was awful...