[magicalprince]

(Possible TW--bad feelings)

Having been abandoned by my last T, I'm struggling to pick up the pieces. I've developed a shocking indifference to my own life that I never really had before. I became pretty unwilling and unmotivated to actively live life at all. Even knowing how harmful it is, I still sort of long for the fantasy dependency that T gratified for me back then. The feeling of being special, cared about, wanted, even if it was conditional. I know it's wrong but I sort of regret having tried to hold her accountable for providing responsible therapy and that causing me to be pushed away. I can't bring myself to get angry, but in the anger's place I just seem to no longer give a **** about much of anything at all. It's like, maybe I'll get struck by a meteor and die tomorrow, maybe I'll become homeless, oh well. People left me? Well, can't blame them, they're better off that way right? I'll just curl up in a ball and dream life away. It's like I gave up on existing in the corporeal physical world. My T thoroughly caused me to separate my feelings from my real life entirely. Because all my real feelings were shut down and shooed away in favor of this comfortable illusion of therapy, like playing house. Lately Everything real in my life feels like work, thoroughly unrewarding, I almost resent having to do anything to stay alive at all. I really hate that I'm being like this. I'm really stuck and I know it but when I try to let myself feel stuck it gets very very out of hand and very intense, very quickly. Anyone relate? Anyone had any success coming back to reality?

[bolair811]

I can so relate to what you're saying... I felt absolutely devastated by losing my previous T. I was absolutely heartbroken and didn't believe I could ever feel worthwhile or lovable ever again. I went through a very long grieving period with ongoing depression and hopelessness. I still have moments of pain and grief and it's been 4 years now. I started working with another therapist about 20 months ago for eating issues after I had weight loss surgery. He's helped me work through the trauma too. I can tell you that my life has much improved since then when it felt completely hopeless. A combination of medication management and just really trying to persevere through it helped me get to a better place mentally so that I could begin accepting what had happened.

I'm sending hugs if you want them... It will get better. It just takes time.

[wheeler]

I too was 'abondoned' my therapist of 5+ years. It's been about 3 months and after the initial, extrutuating pain I thought I was dealing with it pretty well. Found a new T that I really like but this past week has been a bit of a struggle. In fact last night I texted exT to tell her that I missed her.
Thought I was doing better.
I'm told it takes time. Magical prince do you have anyone helping process all this?

[magicalprince]

@bolair811

I'm really happy to hear that you've made it through the worst and had some progress and thx for the hugs! Definitely need a hug. I miss T's hug. gah. I'm guessing it's like those kinds of moments for you now? Those little pangs of sadness coming up?

@wheeler

so sad to hear you were abandoned as well. I know what you mean about that initial excruciating pain. I only recently got over that. I would be tempted to text ex T too if she hadnt totally buried her head in the sand and acted like I don't exist.

I do see a new T... New T is very stoic. It's kinda nice for a change, no feelings flying back and forth but I feel uncomfortable talking too much about ex T since new T knows who ex T is. And it just gets awkward. Anyway I'm not going to let myself depend on therapy again. So I'm taking it extremely slow. Hope you will keep doing better and better too.

[missbella]

MP, I had a different kind of abandonment, a never-great-to-begin with therapists team who became nasty and bullying when I tried to terminate. So I'd say they abandoned their professional demeanor and responsibility. And I didn't miss their bonds, so much as feel like a condemned , contemptible woman, like God had smudged me with his angry thumb.

In long time since, I've had to unravel many irrational reflexes the therapy installed--particularly the role play of me as the enfeebled, seeker and them as the magnificent and judgmental shamans. I had to picture them simply as people who went to school, got a degree and put on a performance. I continually try to dismantle the message that I'm so susceptible to wounding. I'm trying to see myself as strong and resilient, not a fragile flower that can be trampled who needs therapy rescue. (My roles as enfeebled, inferior and supplicating manipulated me into thinking I needed--more therapy.)

On reflection, my therapy was a Dumbo feather--they never gave me meaningful support. And I'm now fed by my own accomplishments and competence, not by the reassurances of the therapists. I demoted them, in others words.

All the best. I understand the hell. It does get better.

I can relate to your feelings very well. I was abandoned by a therapist decades ago. I never dealt with it until 3-4 years ago. I let it color how I lived my life for many years. In fact, I stopped living life. I hobbled myself together enough to get through a day at a time. My life was absulte misery, and enjoyed very little.

I hope it works for you going it alone. You might want to research therapist in your area in case things get out of hand, and you have to take who ever is available at that time without having vetted them.

I find psychodrama a good way to do the work of moving forward.

Good luck to you magicalprince.

[BayBrony]

It didn't happen with my T but it happened with my "big sister" at church. A relationship that spanned over a decade. We were so close I spent holidays at her house etc and we talked every day.
In retrospect there were personality issues I should have been aware of in the beginning. But I was desperate to be loved. And for a very long time she loved me more than anyone in my life ever had. She was literally my family to me since I an estranged from.my abusive FOM.
Then I got sick. I was hospitalized multiple times. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was in excruciating pain and saw specialist after specialist. I had iv treatments in hospital monthly but they couldn't figure it out. I was losing weight, getting weak, lost my period, excruciating muscle pain constantly....
In retrospect now with almost a decade behind me I can admit that I got very clingy and needy and a bit unreasonable. Though I also think.under the same circumstances a lot of people would. I finally got a diagnosis. The disease was not treatable and would change my entire life forever.
She decided she was sick of me. Refused to visit me in the hospital and then sent me an email saying she never wanted to see me again. And she meant it. I saw her husband once to get some of my clothes, books. Dishes etc that had been borrowed back but she never spoke to Me again.

It was utterly devastating. I considered suicide on and off for a year. I cried constantly. I lost interest in my life.

Only two things really helped. The first was time. It still hurts but after 9 years the pain is less fresh.
The other was realizing they she had her own deep seated issues and was acting out of them and it didn't say anything about who I was. That freed me up to trust again though I doubt I'll ever trust anyone the way I trusted my big sister.

It was a devastating journey. But I'm in one piece on the other side. The best thing was to.keep telling myself for the first year or two that it wouldn't always hurt so badly, that sooner or later the pain would finally start to ebb.

I wish you peace in your journey.

[magicalprince]

@missbella

That sounds like an awful experience, like being gaslighted. It's a good thing you don't miss them in the end but sad you went through that in the first place.

I also experienced having to sort of turn the messages I was getting into something more productive on my own. I think what made it difficult in my case was that it actually felt really good while it was ongoing. It felt good to just allow someone else to supplement their own thoughts and priorities for my own, I didn't have to do anything, just show up and be cared for and cared about and nurtured, and every time I felt the dissonance surfacing, or started to feel mute, it was all flicked away with some convenient rationalization. It's still hard to not tell myself, "but she cared so much... but she felt this and that, but she did so much for me, how dare I say it harmed me." But she's gone, I mean I'm gone, and the whole pageant of promises and good intentions came crashing down as I left... I guess there's lots of ways to harm a person.

It really is that "us and them" sort of something about therapy that gets me. It is so infuriating and demeaning and insulting and it has a terrible potential to turn bad when there are real grievances that need to be discussed. Seems there are very few Ts with the integrity to not abuse their leverage in those situations.

Thanks for your support.

[magicalprince]

@walkedthatroad

Thank you for sharing. I'll look into psychodrama too. I sort of do something like that, right now I'm coping with journaling and artwork and general creativity to give a safer voice to my feelings. There's something much more safe about putting the difficult stuff into some kind of composition.

@BayBrony

That sounds like a really intense experience. I didn't know my T for nearly that long, and of course, we were not as involved as you and that person. It was just about 2 years. But, it was certainly very intense and quite involved as well at times, for both me and T. I know what you mean about seeing the pathology in hindsight but having been blind to it in the past because you felt desperate to be loved. It is so painful to have that feeling of being loved and then to have that fall to pieces as soon as things really get difficult. It's good that you realized it's not your failing. I know I still have this strong instinct to blame myself for everything that went wrong because at this point I'm screaming out in an echo chamber--it's just me. There's no other way to feel in control but to accept that I wasn't in control and couldn't have been, and let go.

I don't think it's unreasonable either that you got clingy in that situation... at least, I have this fantasy that the people we love should want to stick with us through those most difficult times. Especially such a serious medical illness... that is really scary and stressful, that's the last time when you can afford to lose someone special to you. I think what is really sad is that it can turn out that just because you got clingy or unreasonable temporarily, that so often has to ruin the whole relationship forever. I know I was being unreasonable with my T sometimes near the end. And I was acting weird sometimes because I was afraid of losing her because she was not responding well to the direction I needed to take. But, how could it have been so fragile? How could all that built up intimacy and caring be totally severed over a couple difficult interactions? That's so painful. I just hate that there's nothing I can say or do anymore, there's no way to make it right or make it work. You know?

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

@walkedthatroad

Thank you for sharing. I'll look into psychodrama too. I sort of do something like that, right now I'm coping with journaling and artwork and general creativity to give a safer voice to my feelings. There's something much more safe about putting the difficult stuff into some kind of composition.

@BayBrony

That sounds like a really intense experience. I didn't know my T for nearly that long, and of course, we were not as involved as you and that person. It was just about 2 years. But, it was certainly very intense and quite involved as well at times, for both me and T. I know what you mean about seeing the pathology in hindsight but having been blind to it in the past because you felt desperate to be loved. It is so painful to have that feeling of being loved and then to have that fall to pieces as soon as things really get difficult. It's good that you realized it's not your failing. I know I still have this strong instinct to blame myself for everything that went wrong because at this point I'm screaming out in an echo chamber--it's just me. There's no other way to feel in control but to accept that I wasn't in control and couldn't have been, and let go.

I don't think it's unreasonable either that you got clingy in that situation... at least, I have this fantasy that the people we love should want to stick with us through those most difficult times. Especially such a serious medical illness... that is really scary and stressful, that's the last time when you can afford to lose someone special to you. I think what is really sad is that it can turn out that just because you got clingy or unreasonable temporarily, that so often has to ruin the whole relationship forever. I know I was being unreasonable with my T sometimes near the end. And I was acting weird sometimes because I was afraid of losing her because she was not responding well to the direction I needed to take. But, how could it have been so fragile? How could all that built up intimacy and caring be totally severed over a couple difficult interactions? That's so painful. I just hate that there's nothing I can say or do anymore, there's no way to make it right or make it work. You know?

The question of how a love you thought was so deep can actually be so fragile and bitter is one I have not been able to answer.
The end of that relationship tied with the end of my Christian faith also.
I am now a practicing pagan. The only thing I have found that helps is to begin to.understand that destruction and breaking down are parts of the natural cycle of things. Nothing, nit even our own Bodies is ours to keep. I try to remember that the relationship taught me a lot, and to remember not to cling so tightly to anyone.

I do think given a chance to come to terms with my illness I would have become more sane again. But she made her choices. I can't change it by hating myself.

[peaches100]

Baybrony,

I had such a similar experience with a woman in my congregation about 12 years ago that it gave me an eerie, unsettled feeling reading about your experience. While some of the details of your story differed, what you went through with your spiritual "sister" mirrored many of the things that took place between me and my friend. I'm so sorry you went through that, and sorrier that it cost you your Chrisitan faith.

I also had a crisis in my faith as a result of the betrayal I experienced by my friend. But I've been trying to hang onto my faith, knowing that it is imperfect people themselves, and not God, who failed me in my time of need. Still, I totally understand how devastating it feels to put such a great deal of faith and love in someone who says they love us in return, and who we trust would be there for us if we fall into crisis. To experience a crisis then, and not get the support you need can feel devastating. I felt emotionally destroyed myself. It took me 7 years before I could talk about it without crying. This woman had been like a mother to me, or at least I felt that way toward her. We had been close for 5 years.

For a long time, I didn't think I would ever get over what happened. I didn't think I could ever think about it without feeling that stab of pain and grief and having the whole thing flood over me again. But the pain is largely gone now. It does fade, but very slowly. Now that I am finally able to look more objectively at what happened, I have learned a great deal of valuable information the will help me avoid repeating that terrible experience.

If you want to know more about it, feel free to pm me. I hope that you will reach a time and place where you will be ready to love and trust someone again, and that person turns out to be worthy of it.

Peaches

Originally Posted by BayBrony

It didn't happen with my T but it happened with my "big sister" at church. A relationship that spanned over a decade. We were so close I spent holidays at her house etc and we talked every day.
In retrospect there were personality issues I should have been aware of in the beginning. But I was desperate to be loved. And for a very long time she loved me more than anyone in my life ever had. She was literally my family to me since I an estranged from.my abusive FOM.
Then I got sick. I was hospitalized multiple times. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was in excruciating pain and saw specialist after specialist. I had iv treatments in hospital monthly but they couldn't figure it out. I was losing weight, getting weak, lost my period, excruciating muscle pain constantly....
In retrospect now with almost a decade behind me I can admit that I got very clingy and needy and a bit unreasonable. Though I also think.under the same circumstances a lot of people would. I finally got a diagnosis. The disease was not treatable and would change my entire life forever.
She decided she was sick of me. Refused to visit me in the hospital and then sent me an email saying she never wanted to see me again. And she meant it. I saw her husband once to get some of my clothes, books. Dishes etc that had been borrowed back but she never spoke to Me again.

It was utterly devastating. I considered suicide on and off for a year. I cried constantly. I lost interest in my life.

Only two things really helped. The first was time. It still hurts but after 9 years the pain is less fresh.
The other was realizing they she had her own deep seated issues and was acting out of them and it didn't say anything about who I was. That freed me up to trust again though I doubt I'll ever trust anyone the way I trusted my big sister.

It was a devastating journey. But I'm in one piece on the other side. The best thing was to.keep telling myself for the first year or two that it wouldn't always hurt so badly, that sooner or later the pain would finally start to ebb.

I wish you peace in your journey.

[bolair811]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

@bolair811

I'm really happy to hear that you've made it through the worst and had some progress and thx for the hugs! Definitely need a hug. I miss T's hug. gah. I'm guessing it's like those kinds of moments for you now? Those little pangs of sadness coming up?

Yes... that's it exactly. The times are few and far between, and they definitely hurt much less than they used to. They've come up more lately because I've begun developing more trust in current T and it brings up a lot of fears of abandonment. He has been great to help me through this though.

Just give yourself time and I think it's good that you're working with someone else and taking things slowly.

Take good care!

[missbella]

I had other therapies that did feel good at the time, but in retrospect feel like persuasion rather than real substance.

I agree with the us-vs-them mentality--an impression I get when I peruse professional literature. I can read about diagnoses, practice protocol etc. and wonder how any related to my real-world difficulties. The literature does take the tone of the client/patient as the "other."

Sorry you're in pain. Ultimately I benefited more from my paradoxical therapy. Hope you feel relief soon.

Originally Posted by magicalprince

@missbella

That sounds like an awful experience, like being gaslighted. It's a good thing you don't miss them in the end but sad you went through that in the first place.

I also experienced having to sort of turn the messages I was getting into something more productive on my own. I think what made it difficult in my case was that it actually felt really good while it was ongoing. It felt good to just allow someone else to supplement their own thoughts and priorities for my own, I didn't have to do anything, just show up and be cared for and cared about and nurtured, and every time I felt the dissonance surfacing, or started to feel mute, it was all flicked away with some convenient rationalization. It's still hard to not tell myself, "but she cared so much... but she felt this and that, but she did so much for me, how dare I say it harmed me." But she's gone, I mean I'm gone, and the whole pageant of promises and good intentions came crashing down as I left... I guess there's lots of ways to harm a person.

It really is that "us and them" sort of something about therapy that gets me. It is so infuriating and demeaning and insulting and it has a terrible potential to turn bad when there are real grievances that need to be discussed. Seems there are very few Ts with the integrity to not abuse their leverage in those situations.

Thanks for your support.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Baybrony,

I had such a similar experience with a woman in my congregation about 12 years ago that it gave me an eerie, unsettled feeling reading about your experience. While some of the details of your story differed, what you went through with your spiritual "sister" mirrored many of the things that took place between me and my friend. I'm so sorry you went through that, and sorrier that it cost you your Chrisitan faith.

I also had a crisis in my faith as a result of the betrayal I experienced by my friend. But I've been trying to hang onto my faith, knowing that it is imperfect people themselves, and not God, who failed me in my time of need. Still, I totally understand how devastating it feels to put such a great deal of faith and love in someone who says they love us in return, and who we trust would be there for us if we fall into crisis. To experience a crisis then, and not get the support you need can feel devastating. I felt emotionally destroyed myself. It took me 7 years before I could talk about it without crying. This woman had been like a mother to me, or at least I felt that way toward her. We had been close for 5 years.

For a long time, I didn't think I would ever get over what happened. I didn't think I could ever think about it without feeling that stab of pain and grief and having the whole thing flood over me again. But the pain is largely gone now. It does fade, but very slowly. Now that I am finally able to look more objectively at what happened, I have learned a great deal of valuable information the will help me avoid repeating that terrible experience.

If you want to know more about it, feel free to pm me. I hope that you will reach a time and place where you will be ready to love and trust someone again, and that person turns out to be worthy of it.

Peaches

I'm sorry you had a similar experience. It was really awful.

The loss of faith would have happened no matter what happened in my sister relationship however, the breakdown of the relationship certainly sped it along. Its OK though. I have great peace as a pagan.

Fortunately I think as I heal my deep childhood wounds in therapy I an getting less and less likely to ever end up.in a similar relationship again.

[BudFox]

MP, as you noted in another thread, we seem to have had a similar experience. For me it was like a glimpse of everything I ever wanted, the classic "golden fantasy" thing where a single relationship fulfills all needs, heals all wounds, and you are understood as never before. Was seductive and addictive at the time, a total disaster in hindsight. Unconscious collusion between two people desperately chasing needs, textbook co-dependency, nobody minding the shop.

I not only feel indifference to life, I have been more or less paralyzed for a year and a half now. I also have debilitating chronic illness, but the therapy thing has broken something. Was as if the universe played the cruelest ever practical joke. And I cannot make sense of it, along the lines of "everything happens for a reason". Seems like a senseless torment. A "humiliating kick in the crotch" when I was already down for the count.

Hope you can find your way through. Do you have some sense of the core issues that were driving you?

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

The question of how a love you thought was so deep can actually be so fragile and bitter is one I have not been able to answer.

The end of that relationship tied with the end of my Christian faith also.

I am now a practicing pagan. The only thing I have found that helps is to begin to.understand that destruction and breaking down are parts of the natural cycle of things. Nothing, nit even our own Bodies is ours to keep. I try to remember that the relationship taught me a lot, and to remember not to cling so tightly to anyone.


I do think given a chance to come to terms with my illness I would have become more sane again. But she made her choices. I can't change it by hating myself.

I think that's a great perspective.. lately I've been living by this rule that the more you try to control something, the more you lose it. Nothing lasts forever and if you need it to last forever, you can't cherish it while it does exist. Happy for you that you have found peace in your new spirituality! I'm not religious but I appreciate paganism a lot. I also gave up my Christian faith that I was raised into.

And you're right. Hating ourselves doesn't fix anything.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

(Possible TW--bad feelings)

Having been abandoned by my last T, I'm struggling to pick up the pieces. I've developed a shocking indifference to my own life that I never really had before. I became pretty unwilling and unmotivated to actively live life at all. Even knowing how harmful it is, I still sort of long for the fantasy dependency that T gratified for me back then. The feeling of being special, cared about, wanted, even if it was conditional. I know it's wrong but I sort of regret having tried to hold her accountable for providing responsible therapy and that causing me to be pushed away. I can't bring myself to get angry, but in the anger's place I just seem to no longer give a **** about much of anything at all. It's like, maybe I'll get struck by a meteor and die tomorrow, maybe I'll become homeless, oh well. People left me? Well, can't blame them, they're better off that way right? I'll just curl up in a ball and dream life away. It's like I gave up on existing in the corporeal physical world. My T thoroughly caused me to separate my feelings from my real life entirely. Because all my real feelings were shut down and shooed away in favor of this comfortable illusion of therapy, like playing house. Lately Everything real in my life feels like work, thoroughly unrewarding, I almost resent having to do anything to stay alive at all. I really hate that I'm being like this. I'm really stuck and I know it but when I try to let myself feel stuck it gets very very out of hand and very intense, very quickly. Anyone relate? Anyone had any success coming back to reality?

I lived inside that bubble for over 15 years. Nobody who hasn't gone through it can really understand the euphoria of the moment and eventually the shame and trauma that compound the abandonment and rejection. Finally I understood that I was never going to get what I really wanted - a meaningful apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of what he did to me. There was no AHA moment, life certainly was not going well in other areas, but I am finally off the roller coaster. Yes, it still hurts and no, I can't discuss it with anybody. It is an unbearable loneliness. Yet, not waiting for or expecting anything from him is a relief. So, dear friend, you are not alone...but you will come back to reality - as ugly as it may seem.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by BudFox

MP, as you noted in another thread, we seem to have had a similar experience. For me it was like a glimpse of everything I ever wanted, the classic "golden fantasy" thing where a single relationship fulfills all needs, heals all wounds, and you are understood as never before. Was seductive and addictive at the time, a total disaster in hindsight. Unconscious collusion between two people desperately chasing needs, textbook co-dependency, nobody minding the shop.


I not only feel indifference to life, I have been more or less paralyzed for a year and a half now. I also have debilitating chronic illness, but the therapy thing has broken something. Was as if the universe played the cruelest ever practical joke. And I cannot make sense of it, along the lines of "everything happens for a reason". Seems like a senseless torment. A "humiliating kick in the crotch" when I was already down for the count.


Hope you can find your way through. Do you have some sense of the core issues that were driving you?

Hi budfox, I understand what you mean by "as if therapy has broken something." It's like it revealed a new level of emotional pain underneath what I had always thought was the worst. I had never been as detached from "most people" as I was after a while in therapy, I got so sucked up into this secret narrative, and piece by piece, I forced almost all of myself into it. so I had never experienced such an extensive loss and rejection.

In my case I don't really feel like it was a practical joke.....It was the mutual grasping for certainty, this fantasy of total comfort that created the pain. However, i do recognize that my T had a responsibility to be the better and more together one in this situation. I know she had supervisors, she consulted, etc. but the problem was it was all on the surface. All the conscious beliefs were just alibis plastered over the real feelings. Once I pointed at the real stuff, that was when everything rapidly imploded and suddenly we were two wounded animals locked in a little room together, trembling, licking wounds and baring fangs, recriminating each other with the shame of their own hypocrisy in turn, while paradoxically trying to salvage the illusions that had allowed the therapy to exist at all. Suddenly this consciousness that had felt so close to my own was far away, foreign and immensely fragile.

I've definitely learned a lot about my core issues in the process. Well, in the aftermath I saw that I was a lot more like T than I realized in a lot of ways that I had never put a voice to. I guess I was vicariously living through her instead of authentically for myself. But she was doing the exact same thing through me.

So at least it has gotten somewhat easier as I took back a lot of myself from my image of her. It did leave me in a very volatile/vulnerable place though because now I really only have myself atm and I'm very hesitant to trust and open up to someone again. It's taking all my energy just to stay together and I can't tolerate much more yet. Trying to rememeber it won't be this bad forever.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy

I lived inside that bubble for over 15 years. Nobody who hasn't gone through it can really understand the euphoria of the moment and eventually the shame and trauma that compound the abandonment and rejection. Finally I understood that I was never going to get what I really wanted - a meaningful apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of what he did to me. There was no AHA moment, life certainly was not going well in other areas, but I am finally off the roller coaster. Yes, it still hurts and no, I can't discuss it with anybody. It is an unbearable loneliness. Yet, not waiting for or expecting anything from him is a relief. So, dear friend, you are not alone...but you will come back to reality - as ugly as it may seem.

Glad you are off the roller coaster. An unbearable loneliness. Yes, and shame, yes. I logically think that it should be okay to talk about what I experienced to someone else, like another therapist, you know? I don't know, it's still hard though. I feel like I'm betraying her to talk about it. Feeling alone with that kind of pain is unbearable though isn't it. Thanks for saying I'm not alone. I thought about that recently. It's funny, when people used to say that, "you're not alone," I never knew what it meant. I always felt like, whatever, it's just a trite thing to say, it doesn't really mean anything, nobody knows what I'm going through.

But, now I've changed my mind. I really like the sentiment. Even if nobody knows specifically and I never felt able to tak about it, I do believe other people have survived these emotions and I see you guys here and it does give me strength to know that. So, thank you for sharing that.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Glad you are off the roller coaster. An unbearable loneliness. Yes, and shame, yes. I logically think that it should be okay to talk about what I experienced to someone else, like another therapist, you know? I don't know, it's still hard though. I feel like I'm betraying her to talk about it. Feeling alone with that kind of pain is unbearable though isn't it. Thanks for saying I'm not alone. I thought about that recently. It's funny, when people used to say that, "you're not alone," I never knew what it meant. I always felt like, whatever, it's just a trite thing to say, it doesn't really mean anything, nobody knows what I'm going through.

But, now I've changed my mind. I really like the sentiment. Even if nobody knows specifically and I never felt able to tak about it, I do believe other people have survived these emotions and I see you guys here and it does give me strength to know that. So, thank you for sharing that.

MP you can have no idea how your words actually comforted me. Even here it can be tricky to find people genuinely committed to getting over it rather than either seeking strategies for revenge or coyly "complaining" about the challenges of love with a therapist. Yes, I went through all that (not here) many times through the years. The reality is harsh when it crashes in. And at least in my case, I cannot brand him as "evil", I wish I could. He was going through an existential crisis of his own and actively seduced me. Fortunately some sense kicked in and we both dodged a huge bullet. By that time I had become an emotional threat and he became resentful. I miss him, we could/should have had a healthy relationship. But....no matter how mutual our relationship may have been at certain points, he exposed and took advantages my vulnerability in a vile and selfish manner and is not man enough to be accountable. I wish for you to achieve that clarity, though it will take time. Am I happy? no. Do I feel used, useless, discarded and worthless? Yep. But there is too much negativity going on in my life and finally I don't wait around for him to make me feel better- it was never more than a band-aid.

[magicalprince]

@Hopelesspoppy

I'm happy that my post brought you some comfort! It seems like we have similar feelings about it. I won't lie, I've had the revenge fantasies (and the loops of guilt about the revenge fantasies) as well. But, I don't have the energy to hate her and I don't hate her I just hate how everything turned out. I also believe it could have been a healthier relationship in another setting where it would be a) more possible or b) less necessary to just talk it out. Therapy is so intense emotionally. It magnifies every passing feeling so much. I sometimes don't know how anyone can get through it anyway.

But, also I get confused, it's definitely a weakness of mine. I can't hate her and I can't blame her when maybe I should. She started failing me waaaaay before the crash and burn. Even when it felt like a dream. It's like, there's all the pain, and her careless actions which directly caused me to be stuck with it alone. There's the feeling that I was just kind of thrown away once it got hard to face me. But, I still am just kind of like, whatever. I don't want to lose the feelings I had I'm just trying to find the right places to keep them in instead.

Eh, it's all so complicated.... I don't know. That's why I shut down. I still want to be the innocent person that felt those feelings. But not at the cost of my life, I don't want that anymore.

Hang in there... Hugs if wanted.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

@Hopelesspoppy

I'm happy that my post brought you some comfort! It seems like we have similar feelings about it. I won't lie, I've had the revenge fantasies (and the loops of guilt about the revenge fantasies) as well. But, I don't have the energy to hate her and I don't hate her I just hate how everything turned out. I also believe it could have been a healthier relationship in another setting where it would be a) more possible or b) less necessary to just talk it out. Therapy is so intense emotionally. It magnifies every passing feeling so much. I sometimes don't know how anyone can get through it anyway.

But, also I get confused, it's definitely a weakness of mine. I can't hate her and I can't blame her when maybe I should. She started failing me waaaaay before the crash and burn. Even when it felt like a dream. It's like, there's all the pain, and her careless actions which directly caused me to be stuck with it alone. There's the feeling that I was just kind of thrown away once it got hard to face me. But, I still am just kind of like, whatever. I don't want to lose the feelings I had I'm just trying to find the right places to keep them in instead.

Eh, it's all so complicated.... I don't know. That's why I shut down. I still want to be the innocent person that felt those feelings. But not at the cost of my life, I don't want that anymore.

Hang in there... Hugs if wanted.

Sure, I'll take a hug.
I went the revenge route some years ago and it was the worst thing I have consciously done in my life. I will regret it forever.
No, I don't hate him - never will, I look forward to feeling indifferent, that is my biggest hope. It was as out of control for him as it was for me; but as he regained his senses he transformed over time, yet still wouldn't let me go. I don't know if he felt guilt or ambivalence; but after years of trying to figure out which, acting out, making up, etc. I finally had to look at the cold reality that there are answers I will never have.
15 years is a long time. I have to decide every day not to let the experience define me.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

I can relate to your feelings very well. I was abandoned by a therapist decades ago. I never dealt with it until 3-4 years ago. I let it color how I lived my life for many years. In fact, I stopped living life. I hobbled myself together enough to get through a day at a time. My life was absulte misery, and enjoyed very little.

Oh mi gosh. This is pretty much exactly what I've been going through the last 9 months. I'm sorry you had to suffer so long.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy

Nobody who hasn't gone through it can really understand the euphoria of the moment and eventually the shame and trauma that compound the abandonment and rejection.

So bloody true. Every word of it. For those for whom core shame is a major driver, this sort of experience is like when a star becomes a supernova. Massive shame explosion. And massive disempowerment. A good recipe for triggering terrible rage.

Originally Posted by Hopelesspoppy

Finally I understood that I was never going to get what I really wanted - a meaningful apology or at the very least an acknowledgment of what he did to me. There was no AHA moment, life certainly was not going well in other areas, but I am finally off the roller coaster. Yes, it still hurts and no, I can't discuss it with anybody. It is an unbearable loneliness.

Yea the loneliness thing (and estrangement) is terrible. My T kept urging me "don't go through this alone". She said it worriedly, maybe anticipating I would have a nervous breakdown or attempt suicide or sue her. But she seemingly never saw the monstrous absurdity of abandoning me and then telling me that. And she never acknowledged the danger in leaping from traumatic therapy right into more therapy.

The calamity that this setup was as follows -- can't go back to her to work through it and get the repair I needed, going to another T means dragging this traumatic experience before a total stranger which sets you up for possible exploitation and re-traumatizing, talking to a friend or family means almost certain misunderstanding or worse, and doing nothing means going through it alone.

I filed a complaint against my unethical ex therapist and that pretty much healed my "wounds" from the abandonment. My life is going much better since I made the complaint.