Too Attached To Therapist

I just wanted to write this to see if anyone felt the same as I do. Sometimes I feel scared that I am too attached to my T! I can't even begin to think about not having him in my life even though I know one day it will end. He is so gentle and kind and I just love him so much. I want to tell him about my anxieties and fears regarding loosing him one day but don't know if I should. It is ever present on my mind and I am scared to tell him how I feel. I'm not in love with him by any means but he is someone that I do love in the most gentle sense and I can't even think about how life would be when therapy ends. Does anyone else feel this way? Would you tell him? Feedback is welcomed as I would like to know what you guys think about this.

I think your feelings towards your therapist are a bit extreme but understandable. You start therapy in a time of need. If it is a good therapists that helps you to feel better then of course you are going to feel this way. In a way a therapist can be a savior and when the thought that it will all end eventually kicks in it is scary but along with being a good therapist he should be helping you to get on with out him, that should be part of the therapy. I know the connection you feel with your therapist. I am so happy with my therapist and I leave his office on Monday afternoons saying to myself " OK I just have to make it to next Monday" Im still in the stage of needing help, and lots of it so the thought of ending therapy doesnt click yet but I know that when it is time for therapy to stop I will be in a place where Im ok with that because with the help of my therapist I will be ok to face the world on my own and face my struggles on my own because of what my therapist has helped me to achieve in my sessions. If you are not ready to stop therapy then don't. You will know when you are good to stop and not need him anymore. BEst of luck to you.

Most respectfully, I think your feelings toward your therapist are normal and it's probably a good sign that you are so attached. Many of us have issues in this area because the people we relied on as children weren't trustworthy or supportive of us in the way they were supposed to be. In order to heal, we have to learn to trust and become attached to other people. I am only starting to become attached to mine (have only been seeing her about 3 months), but I saw someone else for 4 years and became tremendously attached to him, so I understand your anxiety about having to end someday.

I'll bet your T would welcome talking with you about this.

(((hugs))) Of course I know just how you feel! Once you find someone in your life who REALLY cares and tries hard to understand and usually does, it plugs a very big hole in your heart! The thought of now losing such a wonderful "find" is overwhelming!

Don't worry about losing T. Don't worry about your love for your T. Some of this is necessary for a good therapeutic relationship. It will tone down some with time, imo. Right now, it will help you to not take advantage of the T's good efforts to help you, in that you will be considerate of T's personal time and not call and call and call needing attention. (I hope it doesn't keep you from calling in a crisis though.)

When you're able, discuss this with the T. The discussion is part of the process of healing, and is very therapeutic too.

Hi LittleMouse

i absolutely feel the same as you about my T... it is often on my mind that i am way too attached to her... i love her intensely... i think on some level i am even “in love” with her... talking about this attachment and my fear of losing her has been a huge part of my therapy... i think it probably took me a year before i could actually bring myself to tell her exactly how i felt... to be totally honest about the depth of attachment i feel... and all the fear and anxiety i have over losing her...

obviously its your choice whether you talk to your T about this, but i would say from my experience it proved to be very helpful having it out in the open... being able to talk about it felt great... i think somehow it felt like something i should feel guilty about, but T made it feel normal...

like you i cant even begin to think about life after therapy... not seeing T anymore... but maybe it is still early days for both of us in therapy... the intensity of attachment i feel was there right from the start... and i was always worried about what it meant, how i would cope without her... but lately i have tried to not let those thoughts get out of control...

i have found that loving someone so much gives me such an incredible power to get through the difficult times... i want to use that power, the positive force, to overcome the anxiety and fears that have plagued me for so long...

i don’t ever lose sight of the fact that this relationship is not infinite... there will be an end... and however attached i am it will hurt like hell... but hopefully i will be stronger then... more able to handle it... that is the plan anyway!

i hope you are able to talk to your T about your feelings of attachment... i am sure he will not be shocked... and i hope very much it will make you feel better about it... it is scary like you said... but talking about how we feel, sharing those fears can only be a good thing...

take care... Nikki x

Nikki thank you so much for sharing your personal experience with your therapist. It really helps to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Your insight and suggestions made me feel more "normal" in my attachment. I will take into consideration talking about this with my therapist as issues of attachment and abandonment are part of the problems I am working on to start with. I just have not shared my feelings about my relationship with my therapist. I see him next monday and I will try to talk to him about this. I've wanted to for a while.

LittleMouse,

I believe that attachment to T is the most important aspect of the therapeutic relationship. The loving feelings are normal and will help you to process and understand other relationships past and present.

I feel the same way about my T.

Although you didn't mention phone calls, others have and IMO I don't think you should EVER be afraid to call your T outside of session if that's what you need. As my T has said, if it's something that can wait until we are in -session then he will let me know. He has never said that yet.

So, it's not only normal, but necessary to "love" T.

Sigh. It's beautiful.

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sister said:
So, it's not only normal, but necessary to "love" T.

Sigh. It's beautiful.

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Sister, i love how you put that! the description is perfect!

LittleMouse, good luck next Monday, i hope you are able to share the things you want to with T. i know it can feel like a big step but i truly believe it will be worth it... :-)

Sister...thats what you said was so beautiful. I never call my T. We've been working together for almost 3 years and in all that time I think I have called 2-3 times. Of couse there are times when I feel like I want to call him if I am having a really bad time but I try not to bother him in his personal time. I know I can call if it is urgent, but I've found that if I hold off on the impulse then I am usually able to get through the situation without calling. Of course he has told me that it is OK to call if I really need to talk to him but I try not to.

I think different therapists have different reactions to this. Psychodynamically-oriented therapists are more open to talking about the "here and now" relationship between the therapist and client and discussions of attachment are perfectly normal and even encouraged. From what I understand, CBT therapists are less likely to be open to this.

I have a psychodynamic therapist to whom I am very attached. I struggle with this because I am very independent and these feelings are very new and scary to me. I think the best thing I did was discuss it with him. It opened a wonderful door of exploring my early attachment issues, and he believes that if I am not bonded to him, I cannot heal, so he encourages it. He told me that we have a mutual connection, and that is what cures old wounds.

There is a lot of research about attachment theory and how therapy heals by therapists tuning in to early needs of the patients. It's when the right brains of both the patient and the therapist connect (by tone, gaze, warmth, like mother and infant) and not necessarily left brain logic (what a lot of people think of as "therapy" such as talking out problems and gaining insight) that heals deep and early wounds. You have to be pretty attached to your therapist to gain this! My therapist said that when he was a patient, what he remembers the most is the "feeling" of being in the room with his therapist and the bond and connection, not necessarily any particular "aha" moment or words of wisdom. It's the relationship that heals, and so it sounds encouraging to me that you love him.

Caramee put it beautifully. Also with me, at this point in my therapy, our focus is heavily put on the here-and-now relationship between us. I am very, very attached to him. So much that it hurts when I'm not with him. I sort of hate it because it stirs up so many intense emotions. And it makes me that much ore afraid of abandonment. One time I started talking about how afraid I am of termination and I kind of started to freak out, as if we were terminating at that moment. Working on the feelings that go along with that attachment are really beneficial.

CBT certainly does address this issue too In fact, you're probably using CBT if and when you do discuss this, as it's something that is happening right now, in your thinking and causing you to behave a certain way. It's important to discuss it eventually, so that your behavior is appropriate and not causing you to feel ashamed either.

There are some Ts who are afraid of the attachment unfortunately, IMNSHO. At least they act that way, very stand offish if a patient mentions something in the way of attachment. I'd bolt for the door if any T blocked my energy that way.

It is good that you care about and for your T. Make sure that the caring doesn't go into worry, as that isn't good. (For others out there reading...) A T can take care of her/himself, and should. Don't worry about what you share or what you are going through affecting the T too much or causing her/him problems. Ts have their own ways of talking out there sticking points, usually with colleagues

Good wishes to all!

Maybe we should ask DocJohn to add a shirt with something like,"promote world peace, love your therapist" or something

my psychologist began, knowing i had a strong attachment/transference to someone else, by strongly discouraging any kind of attachment/transference. Luckily I left her and found a good psychoanalyst!

Hi LittleMouse!

Just wanted to chime in that I also think it's totally normal. I feel the exact same way about my therapist! I haven't had the nerve to tell him so, but I'm sure he knows. And slowly we discuss our relationship -- I'll manage to tell him more eventually. I never want to leave therapy!!! At the present moment, I'm having a really hard time (lots of things gone wrong in my life this summer) and I feel even more attached to him than usual. I think he's better able to help me because I feel this way. I know I idealize him, but that makes me more open to his help. Therapy is the best thing I ever did for myself!

Sidony

LittleMouse, I find your love and attachment for your therapist completely normal. Those feelings bring up fears of abandonment, because anyone would feel it would be hard to lose something so wonderful, so that is normal too. For me, I became strongly attached to my T from the very first session. It scared me, as I had not experienced any attachment with a former counselor. It freaked me out and I felt it was abnormal. Now I know it is not and am comfortable with it. I love my T and understand now that is normal, therapeutic, and healing. I have been seeing my T for 10 months now, and am now much more comfortable with our attachment and my love for him. It just seems natural and I don't obsess over it like I used to. We've just "settled down", if that makes sense. The attachment is still strong, but I don't feel so bereft between our sessions. I can make it easily from one to the next and don't constantly think about him. And when I do want to think about him, it is easy, and comforting. It's like my infatuation stage is over, and now an easy, comfortable love remains. Still intense, but somehow more manageable.

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In order to heal, we have to learn to trust

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Cheri, I think that has been a very profound piece of my relationship with my T. I learned how to trust him completely, and that took months. Because I trust him, I now realize I can probably go on to trust others in my life too.

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i have found that loving someone so much gives me such an incredible power to get through the difficult times... i want to use that power, the positive force, to overcome the anxiety and fears that have plagued me for so long...

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Nikki, this is so very true for me too. Power, positive force... Yes, exactly! The things I have been able to do because I have this relationship with my T are incredible. I am getting a fricking divorce! I have been stuck with this for years, unable to move forward, despite having a former counselor who tried to help, a great lawyer, supportive family, etc. Just could not do it without the power of the bond with my therapist behind me. Sometimes when I am feeling low or hopeless, I need a session with T and when it is over, I just walk out of his office feeling so "renewed" and fantastic. What power.

My therapist is neither psychodynamic not CBT but recognizes the importance of the client-T relationship. He is humanistic/eclectic. I have read that research shows that it is the relationship with the T that matters most in a successful therapy outcome, not the treatment orientation of the T.

I'm not sure if I have ever broached outright with my T the topic of my attachment, but I dream about him and share the dreams, and the topic comes up that way. I'm shy that way... I like how my unconscious tells no lies and doesn't have the same arsenal of defenses my conscious mind has.

Sunrise thank you so much for your response to my post as well as thanks to everyone else too. It makes me feel better to know that many of you experience the same kind of attachment and love for your therapist as I do. I have always had a hard time getting close to anyone as I am sure many of you have and I find it a little unsettlilng to feel so attached to my therapist. I think that is what is making me feel so uncomfortable about my feelings. The newness of it all in my life expereinces. I don't bond easily and I tend to view myself (or at least did) as very independent...not needing anyone. I find this new dependence new and a little scarey at times but am trying to make the most out of it. Most of the time it does not bother me and I relish in the positive feelings that this relationdhip produces.

I just discontinued therapy because I was so attached to my therapist. We did some really great work together, but the fact that I am so crazy about him made me nervous. I never told him how I felt, but I miss him terribly. I don't know whether to go back to him and tell him how I feel or find a new therapist. I know I don't really love him but it sure feels like it.

Karen, did he ask why you were discontinuing?

I think if it is possible it would be helpful to go back and work through the reason you wanted to terminate--because of your intense attachment. He could probably help normalize those feelings for you. Many clients feel the same way toward their therapists, and the strong attachment can in fact be therapeutic. Good luck.

He did ask why I was discontinuing and I told him it was because I felt I didn't need him anymore because we did such a great job on the issues I originally came to see him about. When I left for the last time two weeks ago, we left it that I would think about my decision to leave and I called him and left him a message saying I wasn't coming back. I haven't spoken to him since, but I feel that I should resolve this with him, even my husband thinks I should go back to him because I was doing so well with him.

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Karen15 said:
He did ask why I was discontinuing and I told him it was because I felt I didn't need him anymore because we did such a great job on the issues I originally came to see him about.

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Is that the truth? Have you resolved the issues you went to therapy to work on? Do you need to see any therapist anymore? If it is not the truth, that is, you are leaving with more work to do and just because you are scared of the attachment, maybe you can at go back for at least one more session so you can let your T know the truth. It would be a shame to end what has been a good relationship with an untruth (if indeed it was). Best of luck. Issues with Ts are never easy, are they?

yeah. this is an issue that i've been thinking about a lot too. i don't want to feel too attached to him because i worry that i'll really fall apart when the time comes that we never see each other again. because that time will come. and i don't want to fall apart and lose my functioning. i don't want the pain. i don't think i can handle the pain.

i don't want him to see the little kid feelings. the neediness the dependency the pain the fear the anxiousness about him leaving the clinginess. i don't want to feel those little kid feelings, either.

i think that in therapy... he is trying to get me to talk less. talk less about why i feel a certain way. stop with the explaining stop with the justification stop with trying to preempt the little speeches i think he is going to give me. just feel the emotions. feel the emotions.

it is hard though because i don't want to feel the emotions. little kid primitive emotions. such immense vulnerability. i'm afraid of people seeing my vulnerability because i'm afraid they will see what power they have over me. i'm afraid they will see how exploitable i am. i'm afraid they will be repulsed by me and / or angry with me and want to hurt me. i have a lot of shame and fear and embarrassment that i even have those feelings.

but i've been feeling them a little... and he always responds really well. kind of leans forward and feels them too. but it is hard. it is oh so hard. i don't want to need him i don't want to depend on him i don't want to care about him so much. i wish the feelings would go away. i don't want to tell him how i feel about him i don't want to show him how i feel about him i don't want to feel any of that at all.

it is %#@&#! terrifying. i so... don't want to go back :-(

<font color="green">I am very attached to my therapist, and we have talked about it cos fear of rejection and abandonment are a huge part of my problems. One thing she has said several times is that she is a part of me now and always will be. She is right cos I hear her voice her words and ideals when I need them.

Once as we were working deeply with EMDR on my pain at having my own mother abuse me and seem to not really want me, she said something that startled me out of where I was…… she said that they had missed the treasure that was me. I stared at her in shock and some how found myself saying, 'Do you think I am a treasure?' I fully expected her to put me off, or say something like; we are all treasures… But she said, ‘Yes, you are a treasure,’ with her warm smile. That sunk deep down into my heart, when I feel alone I can take out that memory and wrap it around my heart like a warm blanket.

Our relationship has gone a long way towards healing the hurts of the past; I have never felt so vulnerable or so open. Sometimes it frightens me but sometimes I can revel in it. I don’t know what graduating from therapy would look like but for now the attachment, oh heck the love is strong and she likes me too and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hmm, funny thing – just talking about this is stressful and I feel a bit panicky. I suppose I still struggle with real trust, I trust her, but my history says I can’t truly trust anyone. Sigh…
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> That sunk deep down into my heart, when I feel alone I can take out that memory and wrap it around my heart like a warm blanket.

yes. i know what you mean. i have a few memories like that.

but... they fade. i find that they fade. sometimes i feel a bit distressed and i can call them to mind and feel some of that wonderful safe warm feeling again. but sometimes i feel a bit distressed and they just won't come to mind. i guess that means... i still need him, huh.

he said something before (very gently) about how we are together for a time and he hopes that i gain something positive from him so i can take that away with me. something about my taking that with me for when i'm working with someone else. the pain of his leaving hit me then but i didn't show him that at all.

i'm gonna leave him. i only just realised that. i'm gonna be the one to leave this time. i have to go somewhere for a couple months soonish... then next year i have to go overseas for a year... after that i'll only be here for another year most probably and then i'll be moving on. i keep leaving him. but it still hurts. it still hurts. it still hurts me a great deal. just the fact that i don't get to see him.

panic. yeah. lots of panic. i worry that his daughter must be really needy and dependent and small and that he won't want more of that from me. gets enough of that back home most probably. it hurts to think about what she must get from him and to know that it is too late for me. i'm too big. nobody can cuddle me 'cause the body is too big. nobody would even want to. i'm all polluted and defiled... dammit it is hard.

i... have started to realise why i'm so afraid of feeling connected to him. 'cause i did feel connected to somebody once. and... other people found out about that connection and they thought that i was dirty and bad and wrong. and now connection... feels dirty and bad and wrong and perverted somehow. and i feel ashamed. avert my eyes. it hurts so much.