In Session Today : Part III

Today's session was a bit different than most my sessions. I arrived in a different mindset. I shared with her a video and we talked about the impact of the video on me. Then I moved onto updating her on my weekend and on MC. I spent a fair amount of the session talking about my wife, the relationship issues, and my take on things there. T played the supportive role through the session; allowing me to "vent" it out. We talked about the difference in our personalities and how it plays out in our relationship some.

My alarm on my watch went off and we were at a good place. I asked her if she had anything, hoping that she'd bring up touch and she didn't. I told her a little of my head space coming to session - how as I left work feeling really young, I got the stream of thoughts that ‘mommy loves me. Whoever mommy is, mommy loves me’. She said something about that feeling good and I said yes. It did feel really good. I told her that things are changing - meaning in me.

We did the usually closing these days of
me: I love you
T: I know
Me: I miss you
T: I know, I'm here
Me: I told myself that too
T: I'm here and I'm there. Thank you for being you.

Then some talk about seeing each other on Thursday and breathing as I worked my way to leaving. I didn't want to go. T was patient as I work my way to leaving. I left and was pretty much on time leaving.

I love her, I miss her, I try to remember she is here with me.

Another one of those sessions I don't want to write about. It's nothing he's done wrong. It's just that we're dealing with feelings that fill me with shame and self-loathing. And I know I shouldn't feel that way about feelings. And I know that in itself is a paradox because I shouldn't feel that I shouldn't feel things. And I shouldn't feel that I shouldn't feel that I shouldn't feel things. And so on.
Horrible stuff and hard to go out into the world with this horrible shroud hanging over me. And knowing that he's not to blame. It's all me. It's easier when he f***s up.

I feel like I should write up the session with T2 from yesterday, which went well...but I think I'm still processing it. It dealt with some fundamental things about me, observations/insights that T2 had, which I'm still trying to figure out. Like, that are making me question my own image of myself, almost. And why I do certain things. It's kind of amazing to me how seeing a new T for 2 sessions has made me start wondering about things like that... Like, maybe I should have done this long ago, even if just temporarily? Just getting the fresh outside perspective...

Also, he totally kept me for a full hour--guess he meant it when he said he wasn't good at keeping time (doesn't help that I have to pay him at the end, which is a bit weird for me, since I'm used to dealing with a receptionist). And I did ask him, while paying, if he normally does handshakes at the end or just the first session. He said was up to the client. So I voted for handshakes. His hand was kinda sweaty again...makes me appreciate MC's sweat-free hands!

It was a pretty good session tonight until the very end.

Like a frickin' idiot, I suddenly blurted out (as she was writing up the receipt) about Alison Bechdel's book, 'Are you my mother?'.

The disconnect between her (who up until then seemed to have been doing her damnedest best throughout the session to connect to me) and me from that point on, was just so.very.ugh.awkward.ugh.painful.

First, she'd never heard of Bechdel. I guess that's kinda sorta understandable but still. I told her about the Bechdel test and she made a vague statement about having heard about it on NPR (I'm not sure if she's really heard about it or she's just figured out it's safe to say that about pretty much anything I tell her since it's highly unlikely I'm going to be talking about anything that airs on talk show radio).

Then she went on about having read the original children's book many many times, which actually I haven't read (education be lacking).

Then I told her it's a graphic / comic book type thing at which point, (as I later realized but totally missed it in the moment) she attempted to be helpful or validating or something by saying that I could bring it to session and we could look over it.

To that, I was mostly like WTF? in my head and barely concealed my irritation and told her it was fairly dense material (or at least not the sort you'd get in a typical comic) and that Bechdel goes into Winnicott (who current T quotes here and there) etc.

So, she then just stared at me and perhaps thought she should say something helpful and so, said something (while attempting to very obviously mirror my seating posture which just irritated the crap out of me even more -- I'd like the mirroring to be much more subtle) about how she could see why a book like that would appeal to me.

At that point, I was really glad to just get out of there.

And, I realized (yet again) exactly why I shy away so much from telling people around me about how much a book really means to me or why it means what it means. It's like ripping your innards out and handing them to someone who is utterly distracted and focused on, I dunno the TV or something.

Today's session was absolutely vital to re-establishing my sense of safety, and R understood that. We discussed the parallels between the way in which this has been (mis)handled and the wider situation. R immediately identified the parallels, even before I said anything.

'...A three legged stool doesn't work with two legs.' I owned the fact that I'm prone to catastrophising, and R just accepted it. I was relieved not to feel shamed for that.

I think I got it across, although I struggled to admit that this development has left me scared. 'I miss being able to form sentences...'

'That's how I know you're finding things difficult.'

I'm glad I can give some indication...

Oh yeah, i HATE telling people what I am reading for so many reasons.

I bet your T was just thrown off a bit. I haven't read Are You My Mother (actually didn't know it existed), but really liked Fun Home. I am a teacher to toddler's, so I read the children's book quite often. Read it a few times this week

It's been percolating a while, and I wanted to write more about today's session.



Today’s session was tough, but ultimately healing. As soon as she came in and sat down, R referenced the email. She had barely crossed the threshold before I said ‘It’s so good to see you.’ Following that, she mentioned the email – ‘Judging by your message, it’s been a difficult time...I know that doesn’t even cover it.’

Because I emailed on Saturday, R didn’t know about my conversation with the rota person, but seemed incredulous that the person who left had wanted to tell me, but didn’t. I explained that I have analysed it every way and that I understand there are some circumstances which may preclude letting people know, but I have verified that she worked four weeks’ notice without saying a word.



‘I needed to know this for me.’



I also explained that there were multiple opportunities for her to say something – maybe instead of telling me about her missing, then found, dog...maybe when I made a comment about hoping that the rota gods would be kind to us.



‘By that meaning that she would be rotaed to be with you?’

‘Yes, I trusted her with every aspect of this. She knows...or she knew, that my first response to ‘How are you?’ is always a lie. To get a truthful answer, ask me twice. To do this to me anyway hurts, but to do this to me now?’ I paused for a bit, during which it is possible that R was wiping her eyes. I then admitted that I’m scared and told her about thinking ‘Don’t traumatise the new person.’ When I explained how I freaked at the thought of telling the new person about Chris, R realised that S’s actions have made me wary of opening up about things.



‘There was a time, I remember, when I wasn’t even going to tell her, but after the initial discovery, and then going on pretending I was OK, and with Pete’s Dragon realising that I was less OK than I thought...I realised it was better to be open...A three legged stool doesn’t work with two legs.’



‘From what you are saying there, S was one of your stool legs?’

‘Yes, I have tried talking to family, but they don’t understand, because they’re not in my head.’

‘Do you feel that nobody can understand, because they haven’t shared that experience?’

‘Hearing that reflected back, I can see how isolating and damaging that belief is...but...’



I told R that whilst I knew it would have been a difficult conversation for both of us – especially as ‘I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but...’ is out.



‘Different context, but the parallels between this and what you are currently dealing with are obvious. I hear empathy, because you understand that it wouldn’t have been easy, but you feel like you deserved that.’



‘I wouldn’t have taken it well at first, but I would be entitled to that...’

‘Of course.’

R went on to say that as we were talking, she felt ‘[...] pangs of...I don’t want to say guilt, because it couldn’t be helped, but when I cancelled one session last week, and then had to cancel another...You must have felt like your support system was collapsing.’

‘...Things imploded afterwards.’

‘I’m aware I didn’t help, I’m sorry.’

Talked more about relationship with wife. Colored. Asked for her decision around touch...answer was a no.

Third full session with new T. An adult part went and talked non-stop for most of the session about challenging thing we have to do at work. New T repeated back what was said at various points. When I was triggered new T made very unhelpful comments that were I suppose to try to help get grounded but which were hollow meaningless words that connected to nothing.
Left with the sense that we will not form a connection with new T or ever feel safe in her room. I don't know what is best to do. Just stop I suppose.

I had a session yesterday. It was ok, we mostly talked about practical things. I felt stuck, like I couldn't get clear to the things I needed to talk about. I know I am making the best of a difficult choice in a nearly impossible situation but (or maybe because of that) I couldn't talk about how hard it is right now or how angry I am and how betrayed I feel or that I have no idea how to balance everyone else's needs with my own because they are so far apart.

I've been crying off and on ever since.

I walked into the office shaking. Not because of the pending termination, but literally on my way to my appointment, as I was turning out of my apartment complex this drunk woman climbed into the passenger seat of my car. I wasn’t going fast enough yet for the doors to auto lock. She says, “I’m just going to the next corner! Please help, he took my money.”

So I drove the lady to the next corner and she’s like, “he went straight! Go faster.” So I tell her that no, I have an appointment, get out of my car. She called me an f-ing B, got out, then threw her open malt liquor beverage at the door I fortunately closed just in time. Only in my life.

So RoboT asked me why I was shaking, I tell him the story, and of course the response was “Oh, God! How traumatic!” I waved my hand and said yes, perhaps, but no time, we have other things to discuss. “Like what?” he asked.

I told him that today would most likely be our last session. He asked why, and I said that when we broached this conversation a month or two ago, I said I wanted to stay because I hoped that I would be able to gain something out of staying. I didn’t think that was possible anymore.

He said my timing was interesting because one of the things he was hoping to talk to me about today was establishing an actual transition plan leading up to our originally scheduled termination at the end of the year. He said he wasn’t sure if I would have wanted to try to figure out what coverage looked like for out of network (way too expensive), maybe checking in once a month, since that would be equivalent roughly to what I pay now, or go somewhere else.

He asked if I had ever heard of DBT. I rolled my eyes and assumed a very defensive stance. He asked why that made me mad. I said that I felt like he was being disingenuous. He was the one who told me that I was wrong originally for thinking I had BPD.

He said that he didn’t think I was borderline at first because I apparently present way more functionally than the other BPD clients that he’s seen before, but the more he thought about it and my trauma history that it made sense if you think of borderline as a continuum, and besides, diagnoses are an imperfect science anyway.

He said he knew a lady in town that did a DBT skills group and he thought that I would benefit from it, especially since my history indicates a high level of destructive behavior when I’m highly...triggered I guess would be the right word. Regardless of if he’s right or wrong, I’m not in a place right now where I can do a group. Financially I can’t plus my schedule at school is bonkers right now.

He acquiesced and asked me what had spurred my decision to leave. We talked about our last session and my distortion of thought. He said he regretted saying what he did. That it was him sharing some of his own psychological stuff and it wasn’t fair to me. He also felt bad because he said he should have realized what rescheduling me last week was going to trigger. That he didn’t think about it except from a numbers position.

I said that I was confused and he asked why. I said that I didn’t understand why he cared about how I felt or if the things he did hurt me. That I expected him to be glad that an admittedly difficult client was leaving. That I felt bad at times because I could tell that I challenged him.

He said that I had an observing ego, whatever that means. That it was perceptive of me to notice his struggles and why that made me an interesting client. That I’m typically very good at recognizing why I do the things that I do. I said sometimes. That this past week wasn’t a good example of that. I told him that the tape of my critic has played in my head all week, but that it wasn’t in my voice. It was his. “You’re never going to get better. You’re no Eric Clapton.”

I could tell that upset him. He said in a very low voice, “I did not say that.” I told him that I knew that, but he repeated. “I did not say that.”

I said again that it was me. That the self critical part of me took over. I told him about the incidents at work on Tuesday and the events that followed that led to me taking a mental health day on Wednesday. I told him about the discussion I had with H last night that led me to throwing my glasses against the wall as I scream cried.

RoboT said that while that all sounded painful, it showed growth. I asked why, and he said that not long ago...six months, maybe, I had said it was out of the question for me to discuss any of my mental health stuff with people not him or my stepmom. That I’m letting people in. I agreed, but said it was hard. That the people I’m letting in, like friends at work, have done little things that have hurt me, but that I’m ready to learn how to be okay with that.

He asked then if not DBT, what was my plan? I told him about my session on Monday. He said that I had obviously given a lot of thought to this, and was glad I wasn’t just quitting therapy all together. He asked man or woman, and I said older woman, which was going to be challenging for me. That I took at least a little bit of his advice. He asked who, and I obfuscated. I don’t want him to know who it is. I’ll never tell her or any other therapist who he is. I know my current T is well known in my community.

He said I didn’t seem super excited about the new therapist. I’m not. I had originally wanted to see another clinician at the practice I’m going to, but she didn’t have any availability that matched mine. This other lady did. Besides...

“Besides what,” he asked. I told him that there was no point in indulging the fantasy. He said there might be, please share. I said that I wished I was ready to work on my stuff and had found him 5 years ago, or that he was 10 years younger, or that I could afford to pay without insurance.

He wiped a tear off of his cheek and said that he wished for those things too. That he was sorry that he couldn’t be for me what I needed him to be. He then said that he wanted me to look at him as he said what he said next. That he believed I could get better. That if I continue to work on what I need to work on that I will get better.

I said thank you and closed my eyes as I started to cry. He asked why that upset me, and I said it didn’t. I just wanted to take a moment to internalize that. That I was leaving and that he believed I would make it. “Yes, you will.”

I said it was unfortunate that the dynamic that was playing out between the two of us made it so that I couldn’t go any further with him. That I wanted to, but the transference and countertransference made it too difficult, especially with a timeline. He mused that perhaps he shouldn’t have told me about his decision to depanel when he did, but that he had no way of knowing what was going to transpire between the two of us. I said that I was okay with it when he told me, but I had no way of anticipating that I was going to end up liking him and caring about him.

He said thank you for telling him that. That everyone wants to be liked and cared for. I said that while he had done things that had made me very angry, that I wasn’t leaving out of anger. That with the time that we had, I had come as far as I could.

Then he started to share his experience of me. He said that he was impressed with the growth that I’ve made over the last...11 months. That he always looked forward to our sessions because they were never dull. He said one of his favorite things about psychotherapy was listening to people share their authentic selves, but so often people will come in and share just events. That not many can tap into the depth of emotion that I can, which is why he said I am emotionally intelligent.

I laughed and said it wasn’t nice of him to say unkind things about his other clients. He said that I should appreciate what I was saying as an introvert. That small talk is so boring and also can be irritating. I agreed and said that’s why I don’t eat in the workroom with the other teachers at lunch. He said something else about introversion and intuition, “blah blah Myers Briggs.” I told him that I loved the MBTI, what was his typology? He said he’s an INFP, which I am also. He laughed when I said I was too and said that he wasn’t surprised by that at all. That our type is almost born to counsel.

He said thank you for being his client. For opening up to him in such a deep, meaningful way, and that he would miss me. He said he was thankful for the opportunity to say goodbye in person, especially since he knows how hard closure is for me. He offered to speak with my new therapist, once I settled on someone, if they wanted to. Just that he would have to email me a release of information form. I said I wasn’t sure if I would want him talking to anyone else about me. “Clean slate?”

I shook my head. It was more because I was afraid of what he would say. That he was being so kind now, but when I walk out the door. He asked me what he could say or do that would convince me that he was being authentic.

I said I wasn’t sure and would need to think about it. I said I had contemplated asking him to review my file just to make sure it was accurate. He moaned and said his files are garbage. That he only keeps them because he has to for audit purposes. That he hardly ever looks at them. “Then how do you remember the things that you do?” Granted, his memory isn’t perfect, but there have been times he remembered things that I’ve told him that I didn’t. He says that he’s been blessed with a really good memory. That sometimes it pisses his wife off, which made me laugh.

I shrugged my shoulders and said I’d think about it and email him if my new therapist wanted to speak with him and I was okay with it. He sighed, put on his glasses, and got up to walk out of the office. “Where are you going?!”

“I know you, Daisy.”

He walked back in a minute or so later with my file and he started to go through it. “Oh wow, this thing is way out of order. I’d definitely get in trouble were I audited.” I was practically out of my seat trying to read what he was holding, but his handwriting is terrible! He said he did it partially on purpose. If doctors could get away with it, so could he.

He pulled a random note and read it aloud. “Client expressed feelings of rejection and abandonment due to my upcoming vacation.” I covered my face with my hands. “Jesus Christ, RoboT! Why would you read that one?”

“Okay then...ah, here’s your first session. Look, it’s the really sloppy genogram I did!” He was right. It was sloppy.

He took a moment to try to put some of the notes in order and asked if I was satisfied. I said I was, and thanked him for his willingness to pull out the file. He went back into the record room and put it away.

At that point time was about up. I told him thank you again for everything, and that I would miss him. He said that he wished me well and hoped that I would grow into the person I wanted to be. Then he asked me if it would be okay if he gave me a hug. I said yes, and said thank you again, he said you’re welcome and good luck. Then I walked out.

thank you so very much for sharing that, daisy. i hope my last session with t before i take my upcoming indefinite break will go as well. you're so strong.

That sounded like an amazing final session, Daisy. I'm glad it went so well.

Not a session, but e-mail exchange with MC.
Me (Wed.): Hi MC,

So my second session with T2 yesterday went well. He seems to have a surprisingly good read on me, considering I've spent only 2.5 hours talking to him. Part of me wants to share some of the insights he's had, just because I'm curious as to your take on them. Like how he gets the sense that I'm a bit of a blank slate who is very strongly influenced by others' opinions of me. And he wants to work on me on having a strong enough sense of self that I'm not so swayed by others' approval or disapproval.

But I feel weird--almost guilty--talking to you about him. I think maybe you sensed that awkwardness when I mentioned him Monday, which is why you asked if his ears flopped around like Brownie's [the dog we owned for a day] (verdict: they don't!)--I think you were just trying to lighten things and make me see it was OK, which I appreciated. (Or, it could just be that you were trying avoid my talking about him for the last half of the session. Or maybe you really were curious about his ears...)

The thing is, by seeing him as a client and talking about him to you, I feel almost like I'm betraying you. When, really, if I were to feel like I'm betraying anyone, I'd think it would be T1. And maybe I feel like that a little bit, but not nearly to the same extent as with you. So I'm trying to figure out where that's coming from. I suspect it's because he's male and fairly close to your age (plus you know him). So it could seem like I'm trying to replace you. When that's not what it's about. (And, yes, I know, it would be fine with you whatever it was about, as long as he was helping me.)

So, OK, just needed to get those thoughts out, I guess. Could you just at least let me know you read this, when you have a chance?

Me (Thurs.): And of course I know this is something I should talk about with T2, too...

Me (Sat.): I guess I'm also worried that you're upset with me because I'm seeing someone other than T1. Like maybe she told you how our last session went and that she was hurt or saddened by it, so you're upset with me on her behalf. And yes, of course, this fear totally ties into some stuff with my parents...

MC (Sat.): Thanks LT. Got it. Sounds like a good start with T2.

Me (Sat.) (feeling let down by that response):
Thanks. And I assume you don't want to say anything about my fears that you're upset with me for leaving T1 to see him because that would fall under the "reassurance" category...

Me (Sat.): Maybe we can just talk about it in session for a bit?

MC (Sat.): Yes...but I am not angry at all. There is nothing about which to be angry.

--
That response made me feel better...

Pretty bad session today... Much more 'connected' than last week, but it got argumentative for a while. He's still defensive, still tells me I should express my anger and then tries to shut me down when I do.

I mentioned a discussion I had here and he said he was getting more and more 'dubious about' my interactions here. He said that this kind of forum can be 'dangerous'.

I said that what I think is 'dangerous' is the idea that the therapeutic relationship should be a special secret between two people - the idea that clients shouldn't be able to discuss their therapy with others outside of it. There is so much potential for harm in a relationship like that.

He agreed, and he shut up about it.

Twat.

ETA: little does he know, I'm one of the "most dangerous" members here...

First session with Potential New T today. Overall I wasn’t impressed. Unfortunately she’s not RoboT.

Started out asking me the basics. Appetite, sleep, suicidality, why therapy?

We delved into my history like, only surface level. She likes to focus on the present. I get that. I agree to an extent, but I also feel like she needs to know how my past influences my present.

Talked about work, mainly because I had an awful day at work. There’s this one student this year who triggers my imposter syndrome to the max. So we talked about looking at them objectively. They have needs met by demoralizing me. Okay.

Talked about my incredibly low self worth. She brought up my husband a lot in that conversation. Recommended that I validate internally instead of seeking his validation externally. “I must be lovable. He really loves me! If he loves me, I must be lovable.”

Then she wanted to know about my perceived strengths. She said it was obvious that I’m highly intelligent, and it was likely my intelligence that helped to keep me...functional?

Mostly there was a lot of awkward pauses and me unwilling to open up. I know that the deck was stacked against her, so I’m going to give her one more chance. But if I had to make a decision today or if another more appealing clinician turned up? I’d be gone.

That's not even internal validation, that's still just encouraging you to base your self worth on what your husband thinks of you...

It's a load of bollocks, anyway. But... Um... She does like to get kissed by elephants...?

I'm sorry you didn't feel that connected to her. But I'd definitely give her a second session. I feel like the first intake session is often just getting the basic info about a client.

Out of curiosity, was it the typical 45-50 minutes or longer? I liked that my intake session with T2 was 90 minutes--let me get past the initial nervousness and feel a bit more comfortable with him. I was definitely very unsure the first 30-45 minutes. But then later in the session I felt more comfortable and liked him in second session. It can be difficult getting used to a different therapeutic style, or even just someone else's pacing when they talk (T2 seems to talk in a slower, more measured way--while MC talks pretty fast much of the time--I guess T1 is in between).

I'd keep looking in the meantime, in case this new T doesn't end up working out, or if you find someone who is a better fit.

I think what's different in your situation compared to mine is that you still mostly liked RoboT, so probably want someone like him, where I'm feeling dissatisfied with T1, so want someone different.

It ended up being about an hour. I said toward the end of the session that I was overwhelmed and irritated. She asked what she could do to help, and I said, “well, we’re over time. Let’s stop.”

And I know the therapeutic relationship takes time to build. I guess I’m still reeling from Saturday. He was so amazing and I just want that. I know it’s unrealistic.

Note:
C = Current T

S = Ex T with whom I'm trying (and failing) to have a decent friendship - he moved away months ago, came back to town over the weekend, didn't tell me despite promising me that he would. When I got mad after randomly finding out on FB that he was in town, he claims that he changed his flight and left without seeing me at all - claiming that all along he'd been planning to surprise me yesterday.

Chameleon = I have a little pocket-sized stuffed chameleon that I bring with me to and from sessions; it's my transitional object.

Let me start by saying... I am really sorry for scaring everyone. If I'm honest, I was scaring myself too. I wasn't really sure if C would send me to the hospital today. For now, I am stable. It was an intense session. I'm trying not to worry about some of the things I said -- C was receiving them differently than I meant for him to. I wound up telling him in the beginning (while rather frustrated) that he was always flat and distant, and I think that hurt him. He said he felt he was failing me. But things got better, and I eventually said that I no longer felt he was distant and that maybe that came from just the fact that he wasn't S (which he reacted as if that stung him....I felt awful for that...)

Lots of crying. Lots of feeling like the session was pointless. But it got better. I rephrased my fears that he would leave (which bothered him - he was quite convinced that I was going to leave therapy. He probably still isn't sure.) as questions about if he was going to leave. He said that felt better - that it implied I didn't want him to leave, which I emphatically agreed with.

I worked up the courage to ask him to hold the chameleon during the second half of the session. I told him that most of my reaching out to him was just me running to him like a child, crying "make it better!" Because I wanted to somehow believe he was in control. Very childlike - believing your parents can fix anything. He said "do you realize how much I wish I could just hold you?" Yeah. So, that helped. I told him I had thought about it a lot and wished I could just come in today and hug him and cry. "But you can at least hold my chameleon and charge it up for me." I wish I'd said more - I will likely email it to him - I wanted to explain that when I say that "I can't do therapy today," which he thought implied I wanted to quit therapy, what I really mean is "I can't talk about and process things like we might typically do in a therapy session right now; I'm in too much acute emotional pain." It turns out we have a LOT of misinterpretations between us....

There was other stuff - he admitted he hoped that this episode with S would mean I would choose to stop things with S. He admitted that my continued choice to engage with S "didn't feel good." That triggered the crap out of me...I expressed my feeling that I couldn't go to him now because I kept choosing to still talk to S. We did eventually resolve it by him explaining that the bad feeling was worry, not annoyance. Oh... he did say that he felt we had "pissed each other off a bit last week." That upset me, but I didn't really express that - he couldn't identify what had "pissed him off" and eventually changed his language to "irritated." I don't like that I can and have irritated him... I work so hard not to...

We talked about how his fear, which he readily expresses at every turn, makes me uncomfortable...because I want to believe that he's in control. That it stems from my feeling like he's a father figure - wanting to believe that parents can always make it better and are never afraid. "I want to believe that, somehow, there are adultier adults out there who know how to handle everything."

He kept me like 9 minutes late because he says he doesn't like how strict I am about his 50 minute rule. A lot came out in those last 9 minutes - why I try to control things like strictly sticking to his time limit - how it relates to my relationship with my father (will need to talk about that more - sometimes I forget he doesn't already know everything about me...). We clarified his phone call/text rule - I had thought that the content of my texts/calls could only be "hi, I'd like to schedule more time. Can we schedule?," but now he says I can call him about anything - he can't guarantee that he'll always have time available to call back (because life), but I can call and like leave a message like "Hi, this awful thing just happened, and I am losing my s*** and really need to talk to you..if you could call me back for just like 15 minutes if you can..." So, that was helpful. The biggest thing I think we unearthed is my realization that I didn't think/understand whether or not his side of this relationship with me was a positive thing for him... I always think of myself as an obligation. So we ended with him telling me that it is positive for him - that he looks forward to seeing me, that he enjoys our time together, and that he wants more time with me.

I also saw my psychiatrist tonight. (Good timing for a double-whammy day.) I'm more stable now, but I'll be going back on some Seroquel each night for a bit to stabilize. I love that my psychiatrist never seems to judge me when I say that I think I need to take the Seroquel because I feel myself slipping.

I came out of all of this feeling less like S having been "right there" this weekend and my not having gotten to see him means the absolute end of existence. I think I'm going to write C an email, though, and provide some direct feedback since it seems like the only message I've sent him through my feedback is "you're cold and distant."

Here is last Thursday's session 9/29... and yes she let me stay significantly over to deal with stuff.

I have some gaps in today’s session.

I was stressing session because of the touch topic, I didn’t know if I should bring it up or wait and see you’d bring it up. I waffled and talked to some friends about this. I was slow at getting out of the office and ended up grabbing the bus rather than walking. The bus should have gotten me to my stop with 8 mins to spare, it didn’t. I got dropped off with 1 min, I walked quickly up and to your office. I was a few mins late. I pushed the button and went into the waiting area. You came out to get me and we headed back.

Hi, Hi, how are you. Good. Talked about some stuff then I pulled out the cardboard. You said something about being excited to see the cardboard because we have done different thinks with cardboard. I said that this time it was just being used to transport the coloring sheet. I was being creative in transporting the sheet. I opened it up and showed it to you. I said that people said that the flames looked good. I asked if I emailed you the pictures and then I said that I posted it on the web. You said you hadn’t been there this week. I’ve only been sort of consistent in keeping the page up. I like having it and would like to be more consistent.

We talked for a little while before we climbed onto the floor and started coloring. I updated you on some things from the weekend that I had forgotten on Monday, regarding things with wife. I then told you about what happened Monday night once home – wife and her cell phone while I was at the table. You commented about it being different, more unified when we both are sharing the same thing – such as watching a TV show together verse feeling like the electronic device is separate entity in the interaction. I agreed that I felt like a third wheel. There was supporting comments of wife not catching that I was there, there for her. At one point, I got frustrated with stuff around wife and I scribbled on the sheet of paper. At a different time, I had thought about just scribbling on paper like a young child. After I did it, I felt frustrated at myself for messing up the image rather than feeling relief from letting my unhappiness about my relationship out. As I continued to color, I tried to figure out how to fix my scribble but just felt like it was getting worse. I didn’t like how the cardboard was making a pattern on tire.

I talked about coming to the decision that I need to let me continue to do what I was doing prior to things with wife going bad. That if I don’t let me become whatever/whoever I was becoming, then I won’t be happy within the relationship and that will not bode well for the relationship.

I rested my head down for a bit and stopped coloring, then looked at my watch. Had only 5 mins to alarm and 10 mins to end of session. I decided to bring up the touch topic. You asked me something about how much I wanted to know about the answer. I said that since I didn’t know the answer, whatever you felt like sharing. I pretty much knew with that statement that we were working towards a no answer. You said stuff and stuff and that you thought it would not be good to do this touch. You said something about feeling that it would limit us somehow in the future. I kept looking down, clenching my hands and jaw. I didn’t say anything for a little bit. I looked up and said something – I think this is when I said something about not understanding how you know which is the right choice or why your choice is more right than my choice.

Then I started to put away the crayons, I was shaking and felt like I needed to go. I couldn’t put them in the box. I just left them in the plastic bin, I figured I could fit the boxes somewhere in my bag – I just needed to go. I grabbed both boxes and you picked up the colored pencils. I held the lid open to the plastic container and looked at you to put the pencils in the tote. I turned towards you a little. Still not able to talk. I was thinking, not exactly sure – something about you having the power here. A smile came over my face and you commented on it. I relaxed some as I switched thinking (different part coming to the front?). I asked if you were going to put the pencils in the tote. You said something about thinking they go in the box. I said that I had needed to leave so was just putting things in the tote. I said something about shaking earlier and that I didn’t need to leave now. You commented about my smile. I didn't say anything at first, I didn't want to say what was in my head because it wasn't very nice towards you.

More was said – I’m not sure if I started to cry at this time. You said something about not wanting to stop me. I said that I wanted to feel loved by you (interesting choice of words here). I told you about bringing the Art book and asked if you would read it. You said yes and “Mother loves Art”. We moved around and I got the book out.

When I went to lean against the couch and it pushed back, you said it’s ok that it wanted to be against the walk. I’m worried that I am going to break it, break one of the legs off. I scooched down to rest my head on the couch. You moved the coloring sheet so it wouldn’t be in my way. I felt something good within the bad here. Thoughts in my head, sadness. You read the book, as you read it I traced different lines in the book. When you got to the end you traced the spiral.

We sat there and talked for a long time. Things said, not in order just what I remember:
Me: not the out come I wanted.
You: (something about knowing that and me letting my wishes known)

Me: I love you
Me: hurts – I think you thought I said hearts, because I think you repeated hearts, not sure though
You: You are beautiful
You: Hey, <me>

You: (some compliment – courage?)
Me: Why
You: Why do I think?
Me: I don’t know
You: (something)
Me: I don’t know (really didn’t know)
You: (something about like <me>, a million reasons)
You: (something about family/someone you care about doing something)
You: (gave another reason)
Me: (not able to capture what you are saying, crying)

Me: I think you love me
Me: I want to keep thinking you love me

Me: was it hard for you (knowing that I would take it poorly)
You: (something about difficult, was this where you said something about thinking that we were strong enough, I was strong enough, and that you believed in us?)
Me: (talked about being hard parent with daughter and how that was difficult)

(sitting there looking at you, thinking through all of this she hasn’t cried, I couldn’t do that – couldn’t show so much compassion, empathy, caring, patience and not cry when someone else is crying)
Me: You’re amazing, not perfect.
You: not perfect
Me: something about you being good at your job

Me: look at the mess, my stuff all over.
Me: not so beautiful with all the crying
You: replied with some counter statement indicating that you still saw me as beautiful

Me: asked you if I was staying overnight after surgery, would you come and see me
You: said you didn’t know day of week
Me: Tuesday
You: not sure about your schedule, if available yes
Me: I take that as a yes (not that it will work out but that the reason you wouldn’t make it isn’t because of roles in each other’s lives)

More was said as I tried to gather up my stuff. You asked about putting the crayons and pencils in their boxes. I said yes as they wouldn’t fit in the tote otherwise.

It was time for me to go, I had gone as far as I could then and there. You were not rushing me and I didn’t feel an internal pressure to leave either. It just was time to go, a good place for me to go. See you on Monday was said. Not sure if thank you was said. At the door, I paused, I wanted to close the door so I could have some time with the filing cabinet but you were there and I didn’t want to close it on you. It’s not the same having it outside the room. I left feeling like there is nothing in the room for me. I was thinking that mommy doesn’t love me and fighting that with yes she does, that this doesn’t mean she doesn’t. At the base of the stairs, I crossed paths with Dr. F. It seemed like he was headed towards your office. I wondered what you were feeling, how you were doing with things. Part of me hoped that you were not doing great with things, that you were some upset. I feel a little bad about that, I don’t think it was out of anger. I think it was because of hurting and wanting to not be alone with that feeling in this team. Or maybe I wanted to think that it was hard for you to see me hurting like I was.

I left the office and went to store, I thought about wanting to hurt myself, about wanting to eat, wanting to drink. I went and used their bathroom and cried some more. I emailed friends the answer as they knew it was a topic of the day and they wanted to know how it went. After some time, I left the bathroom and left store without purchasing anything. I walked to the train. Thoughts of mommy not loving me, trying to counter that with the things that you have done, that mommy does love me – that saying no to this one thing doesn’t mean mommy doesn’t love me… back to mommy doesn’t love me, mommy loves Art, not me… and circle. I got to the train station without any more crying. 12 mins to next train. I went and leaned against the building at that stop and started crying again. I didn’t have any tissue with me. After a bit, I stopped crying and made it home with no more tears. I had texted wife letting her know that I was late, that I had a rough session, and that I was not out “playing with the boys”.

When I got home, I put away stuff from my bag. Wife asked me if there was anything she could do – what I wanted to do. I told her that I wanted to go to bed and cry. She asked if I wanted to be held. I said no. Would she be ok with that? She said that she wasn’t sure. I said I’d go down to the basement. She asked why, I said something about going away. She said she would not argue with me. Left me feeling bad for wanting to go down to the basement. I still gathered up a blanket, pillow, laptop, and went to the basement. I laid down on the mats and cried until I was all snobbery. I got up and got some tissue. I tried to journal and I didn’t have much energy/thoughts so I put away the laptop. I laid back down and cried myself to sleep. It didn’t take long before I was asleep. The next thing I knew, wife was rubbing my head. She had come down to check on me. She said that she was going to give me another blanket when she saw that I still had my shoes on. She said I looked like a little kid. I felt some better when I got up. I came upstairs and wandered around putting some stuff away. I realized that my thoughts and responses were very much like a 2-4 yr old being told no and I was learning that no doesn’t mean unloved. Wife and I went to bed.

ETA: FYI - I had processed through it all within 24 hours and was doing much better with it all.

Hugs Elio

Was talking about really triggering stuff. The most difficult stuff. I was trembling a lot. T asked me where the trembling was, I said the waist upwards. He asked me whether I was able to let it pass through my whole body. I said no it won't listen to me. He said what does it want you to hear? I thought for a long time and said 'I want to touch your hand' he held out his hand and held mine, just for a few seconds. He said his interpretation (and it's just a metaphor) is that those feelings needed grounding and touching him was another way to ground them.
We had some eye contact. It felt increasingly deep but time was up. He said that I am battling inhibitions and it's a tough battle. I stood up and looked at him pitifully he smiled, stood up and without saying anything, hugged me. As he hugged me I said it would be a lot more difficult without you.
He was really attuned to me today. It was what I needed after feeling destabilised last session.

The woman asked how it felt to listen to the mikado. If it was sad or angry - clearly indicating she had never listened to that or any other G and S operetta.
Those people are bizarre as the day is long. How do I feel when listening to it?-- operettaish I suppose.

T2 today. He was wearing glasses, which he hadn't been the first two sessions. He asked what I wanted to discuss, and I said I wanted to talk more about the transference for MC and some stuff with T1. I said how I'd realized I felt guilty for leaving T1 as I did and was projecting that onto MC, assuming he was upset with me. Said how I'd e-mailed him about it, and he'd assured me that he had nothing to be angry about. T2 said, "So you feel it's resolved then?" I said I'd probably sent MC more e-mails than I should have, but that I felt OK about it now.

I said I did want to talk more about the transference. But that first, I had to bring something up. How I worried that in my talking about being attached to MC, T2 would be sitting there thinking, "Oh God, please don't get attached to me, too. Run away, run away!" T2 said how his goal--and the goal of any good therapist--is to have the client eventually not need them and to go off on their own. I said that made sense, how I was having trouble with that with MC, hence part of why I went to see him (T2).

I said I also worried how, if I talked about, say, how I'd Googled MC, that he (T2) would worry that I'd Google him, too. T2 said that he just expected people to Google, how he'd Googled the people who cut down his trees. I said, "OK, so, I Googled you before I started seeing you." He said it made sense to do. I said it was much easier to Google him than MC, who has very common first and last names. T2 agreed with that. I said how MC had immediately forgiven me for Googling, but that T1 hadn't, saying how she'd had sort of a stalker in the past. We discussed that briefly.

Talked a little about first figuring out I had transference for MC, how I'd thought at first it had been erotic (as I'd wanted him to hold me), then realized was more paternal. T2 said he got more of a paternal sense about it, too, how holding someone is more of a protective thing.

Then I said if I was going to talk about the stuff with MC, I'd have to discuss stuff with MC's wife. That I assumed, since T2 knows him, he's probably aware that she passed away at the end of last year and had been sick before that? He said yes, how he knew she'd passed away over the winter. I said how it was between Christmas and New Year's, and he said, "Has it been that long?"

I went on to recount how I gradually figured out that his wife was sick and my reaction to finding that out. And how I'd talked to MC about it, and he'd been OK with me asking questions. Then about how I found out she'd died and how emotional I was about that, how my reaction to it kind of freaked me out. I cried during some of this--my first time crying in front of T2. (He actually has tissues in multiple locations in his office--including a hidden location by where I was sitting, which seems like a smart strategy.)

He asked me if things had changed (in therapy) since his wife died. I talked about how he'd said he wouldn't have told us about her passing and how that affected me. How it made the solely professional nature of the relationship more clear. T2 seemed to understand that. I said I felt really bad for making it about me during that time, how MC had even talked to me on the phone at one point because I was struggling. I said I realized how selfish I'd been and eventually apologized to him for it. And how MC seemed more back to his usual self, at least with us, starting from like 5 months afterward.

T2 seemed to be listening intently and just commented here and there. He used MC's wife's first name once, which threw me for a second (MC has never actually used her name, though I learned what it was through the Googling not long before she passed).

Incidentally, though I was referring to MC by his first name the whole time, T2 said he was going to call him by Dr. MC's Last Name, which he hadn't done the other sessions. Which maybe bothered me a bit (especially because T1 just adapted to me using his first name and used it herself). So I asked about that in the e-mail I sent him a bit ago...

At the very end, while I was paying him, I said I knew that was a lot I'd shared today, but I hoped now he understood the depth of the transference/attachment. He said that "depth" was a good word to describe it, that it did seem very intense. He also said he'd run into MC that morning (they work across street from each other) and that MC had said "We should talk soon," which T2 implied was about me. He said he hadn't brought this up earlier, but he was wondering about communicating with MC. I said how T1 had offered to talk to him and I assumed MC would, too. But that I wasn't sure about it, because I wanted him (T2) to get his own impression of me first. He said he understood that. I said I still was a bit unsure about having one or both of them talk to him. He said to think about it, but that at some point, particularly with MC (I assume because I'm currently seeing him), if I wouldn't want them to communicate, we may need to discuss why. But for now, to just think about it.

As I was about to leave, at first he wasn't putting his hand out, and I was worried he didn't want to shake it because of all the stuff today. But I imagine he just forgot I was a hand-shaker (had just clarified last week) and he held it out for me. A bit less sweaty than usual, so...progress?

Ended up e-mailing him a bit ago, just because I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now after sharing so much... The other couple times I've e-mailed him (one time before I formally started seeing him, once after), he's responded within a few hours, so hoping he writes back tonight.