In Session Today: Part IV

Oh man, I am so sorry, AY. First, about the text set up/let down and then the gay decision. I can't remember what we had been talking about, but it had seemed to me that my therapist referred to choosing orientation and I very plainly said that my understanding was that it's not a choice, and she backtracked, tried to say that's not what she meant. I said if it's a choice, I'm going with straight because it has all the perks society has to offer. Maybe what she'd been talking about was choosing to accept instead of deny orientation, but if so, she wasn't clear. For all the information and training available to therapists, you would think this would not be such a struggle to understand and communicate with clients about.

Anyway, I'm pissed for you that she talked you into texting and then just replied with an appointment confirmation. If it were me, I would feel had.

I think I was rather peevish last night -- she did add a 'I hope you're okay' to the appointment confirmation. It's just that in my noodle, it felt rather measly (and like her hand was up to shut me up) after I'd just about given her the gory details.

I know, right? The whole queer thing -- honestly, I wish therapists would acknowledge that they're not all there in terms of being totally down with it. They kinda seem to think that just because they don't have the same overt beliefs as the outright homophobes, they don't have a single bit of biased thinking floating around in their bones.

And, honestly, it's much easier in some ways to deal with the overt homophobes coz they know and you know, exactly where everyone stands but in this case, you're trying to persuade someone that they haven't actually thought this stuff through when they think they're more rainbow than you.

It's just......argh.

Every time I’ve gone to my session, I always maintain my composure and try to convince my T that things may be difficult, but I was coping well. I decided to ditch all that pretension during my most recent session and finally told him no, I was not coping well and things are so much worse now. I always figured that if I admit that, that it will seem like I am just not working hard enough.

But he was very understanding, he didn’t think I was being stupid, and thinks it is a step in the right direction that I am more open now to acknowledging my pain. I usually have a whole list of things I do to distract myself so things don’t get too painful, but sometimes, no matter how hard I try, they just don’t work. So he has offered outside contact when I need it.

Things are incredibly painful right now, but it feels at least, that things are somehow moving forward.

Part 1 of 2 (to keep this from being insanely long): T today. I was very nervous after Tuesday's session and our e-mail exchange. He came out to get me (wearing his shirt with tiny zebras on it) and said, "You got your usual seat." I said yes. Went back and sat down. He seemed a bit nervous, too. He asked if I'd heard anything yet from the grad school. I said no and lamented about it, saying how I was angry. He said he felt upset, and he wasn't even the one applying.

I said I still felt the need to discuss some of the stuff from last week. He said OK. I started crying and pulled out an e-mail I'd written but hadn't sent. I said I wasn't sure if I should let him read it or just read parts of it to him myself. He said up to me. I said I wanted to skim it really quick. Did that and nervously handed him to read, saying the handwritten notes on the bottom probably wouldn't make any sense without my explaining them. He saw the length and said he'd have to get his reading glasses for it. I sat there awkwardly while he read it (checked e-mail on my phone, messaged someone, stared out window).

Here's what it said (will continue actual session in part 2):
"I'm still upset that I feel you've been deceitful to me over the past 8 months. That I asked you numerous times if you'd feel comfortable working with transference if it developed, and you always said yes. But now you're saying it would be "unhealthy" and expressing your lack of comfort for it. So...how will I know whether to trust you in the future? It almost feels like you just said "sure, I'll be OK with it," hoping it wouldn't develop and you wouldn't have to deal with it. Which was doing a disservice to me.

Now, if this is a case where you *thought* you would be comfortable, but now, faced with evidence of it, like the stone thing, you're less sure. In which case, tell me that.

And I'm struggling with the "try to be more comfortable" thing. I appreciate that you're trying, but I still feel like it will make me reluctant to share, which I feel defeats the purpose of therapy.

Can I ask what makes you uncomfortable? Is it a case where you feel you're doing/have done something wrong in handling me, and it's about that? Or you're concerned you won't handle it correctly going forward? In other words, more professional sort of discomfort? Or is this more on a personal level, like you just don't like the idea of anyone, aside from you family, being attached to you?

I guess...are you more concerned about it affecting me or affecting you is sort of the difference, I think?

I feel like part of why I pay you is to keep your stuff generally out of the room. Otherwise...how is this much different from me being friends with someone who happens to have a psychology degree? Where I have to worry about their feelings and comfort, too?

Yes, I get that sharing some of your reactions could help me therapeutically. But...saying you're uncomfortable when I express any sort of transference/attachment...well, that comes back to the judgment sort of thing that you don't seem to understand. I feel like you're pathologizing me. It makes me want to go back to not sharing feelings/thoughts with people. Which, yeah, OK, maybe in some cases I shouldn't, but in other cases I should.

I don't know...I'm not sure how to make all of this make sense to you. And I'm not so much asking you to agree with me on all this, just to understand, to validate me.

I just keep thinking I want to go back and never have told you about the stone. Or maybe that I'd never even asked for one, because it made me have delusions that you were OK with things when you weren't."

At the bottom, I'd handwritten (because I hadn't intended to hand it to him):
"Not romantic love"
"Keeping me from discussing things--dream"
"Feel I have to consider your 'comfort' now"

Part 2 to come this evening.

I can't wait to read Part 2. I learn from this.

T said all sorts of nice things about me and said I'm not a garbage person. I cried a little bit. T said I'm funny and smart and thoughtful to other people, including her. I don't know what she meant, but it was nice that she thought so.

I cried in session today. Throughout at least half of it.
We talked about S.
I don't particularly want to go into a ton of details, but, in the end, after lots of working for it, I did feel connected with C. Albeit scared the connection would/will be taken away.
And angry at S.
Angry that he encouraged so much dependency.
Angry that he knew just where my most vulnerable spot was and hooked on to that.
Angry that he made promises to the most vulnerable child part of me and then stomped all over those promises and broke every one.
But, also...heartbroken. So so heartbroken.
And scared that I will never ever stop hurting over it.

Part 2: T was done reading. He asked where I wanted to start. I wasn't sure. He said he'd answer the easier questions first. The being comfortable thing...that was his concern about discussing transference being helpful to me. I said I still felt like it was partly about his comfort, about his being uncomfortable with it and thus not wanting to work with me on the topic. He said he works with clients who discuss many things that make him uncomfortable, like , clients who don't seem to care about the feelings of anyone except themselves. But that doesn't mean he won't work with them. And that the only thing that had made him slightly uncomfortable with me was...I said, "The stone?" He said yes, but only a little uncomfortable.
I said my concern was that I'd avoid topics if they made him uncomfortable. That one of the notes at the bottom was about that, the dream. Like if I had a dream that he was in, it could be something fruitful to discuss, but now I'd be reluctant to bring it up for fear that it would weird him out. Even though all kinds of people show up in my dreams. He said a dream wouldn't bother him. I said, "OK, so you were in my dream the other night. We were working together, and you were my boss. Which I feel has meaning." T agreed. (I left out the birthday thing.) He made a comment about what sort of dream might make him uncomfortable. I said how maybe it would be weird if it was a sex dream? He said no, not really. I said, "Oh, like a dream about someone killing you?" He said yes, more like that.

I brought up the judging thing, how he didn't seem to understand. I worried that maybe it's just that he was so self-confident and mentally healthy that he'd never felt judged or shamed in his life. He gave a little laugh and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone has felt that at some point, unless maybe if they're a complete narcissist." I said good, that I was just scared he wouldn't get it. He said how I tend to generalize, like my comment about how his not getting one thing I was saying meant he didn't get me in general. I said I do tend to generalize like that, not just with him. Like if you don't understand this...how can you understand other stuff?

I explained more about feeling judged about the stone. He seemed to get it more this time. He apparently thought I was trying to say he was passing judgment on me. I said it didn't matter what his or someone else's intention might be, that they could have the best intentions, but I can still feel judged. I said how I knew it tied into childhood, and I gave an example. I feel like he finally got it...

He said how with giving me feedback he's trying to help me with other relationships. That he's sharing his reactions, when other people might not. When they might be thinking something in reaction to me, but not share it, and it could even possibly lead to the end of a relationship. That he isn't trying to be hurtful. I said that was similar to how I felt about working through transference, like using my relationship with him as a model for others.
Then I said I wasn't sure what he thought I meant by "transference," that maybe he was thinking about what had happened with ex-MC and assumed when I talked about transference for him (T), I meant that. Like maybe because at the end, with the e-mail, there was the romantic love, that T may have thought that's what I meant when I said "transference." Looking him right in the eyes, I said, "That's not what's going on here. I don't feel romantic love for you." He thanked me for clarifying that.

I said really, with ex-MC, yeah, there was some romantic stuff mixed in there, but the parts that were really hard for me was the paternal transference. I said there was stuff MC did that contributed to it, like talking about his kids so much and drawing connections between his relationship to them and with me. I said I appreciated that T didn't talk about his son...at all, really. T: "Well, therapy is supposed to be about you, not me." (I just let that one go...)

I said how I had felt some paternal sort of things for him...like in telling him about getting the PhD interview, the way I felt about his reaction to that was different from H's or my friends--that my thought was "Aw, he's proud of me." Which is like what a kid would want from their parent. T said of course he was proud of me. I said I could give another example but felt awkward...managed to spit out that when he'd said the thing about feeling older, I had the desire to say something like, "You don't seem that age" or something to make him feel better. And that instinct is the sort of thing I'd want to explore, like where is that coming from. He said maybe I was just being nice (I didn't want to explain it more at the time).

I talked more about feeling that he'd been dishonest with me from start, by saying he was willing to work with transference, then seeming to change that belief. T said that life is uncertain--he might say and mean a certain thing at one point, but that doesn't guarantee that he'll feel the same thing later on. T: "I'm feeling this relationship out along with you." Me: "I get that." T: "And I hate to say this, but I'll most likely hurt you again. Not because it's my intention at all, but because of a misunderstanding." Me: "I understand."

Stone thing came up, how I regretted telling him that I'd held it. How if I just hadn't said that, we wouldn't be dealing with all this right now (lots of tears there). T: "Maybe it had to happen." I said maybe... T talked about how he thought it wasn't healthy for me if I was attached to him as a person, but maybe he was wrong about that? As in, maybe he was wrong regarding the stone.

We had about 10 minutes left. T looked at me quizzically and said, "Can I ask you a question?" Me: "OK." T: "How do you feel this session went? Because like I said in the e-mail, I feel I often have a very different sense of a session than you did. And I think this went fairly well, but what do you think?" Me: "I think it went well, that it was a generally good session." I started crying again. T: "But you just said things were OK--why are you crying right now?" Me: "I don't know...relief maybe? I was really anxious coming in. I was afraid it would go badly. That I'd have to leave. I mean, I know I have to leave this session soon! I mean stop seeing you."

T said he was glad I said it had gone well. But that he thought some past sessions had gone well, and I seemed OK at the end, but then I let him know (e-mail or next session) that I wasn't OK. He said there was some Murphy's Law thing about...if you have a barrel of sewage and add a teaspoon of wine, you have a barrel of sewage. If you have a barrel of wine and add a teaspoon of sewage...you have a barrel of sewage (like because the one bad thing ruins the good stuff). So he wondered if it was like that for me or if I could take the good parts and kind of balance it out. I said I definitely recalled the good parts, but was just more likely to talk about the negative. He said good, that he hoped I'd also consider that when thinking about our relationship. I said I'd try.

Confirmed for Thursday, scheduled for Monday (he's in despite holiday). Went over to pay. He shook my hand, saying, "Good luck out there today," I said "You too." He held onto my hand a couple seconds longer than usual, like nonverbal reassurance or something. He said to remember that his e-mail policy is still the same, it hasn't changed (in other words, "E-mail me if you need to"). I said I knew that and thanks. headed out.

I'm not sure if I did a good job of capturing this in the writeup, but his demeanor just seemed very different this session as compared to Monday or Tuesday. He seemed kind of...gentler, softer. And like he was really trying to understand, and I feel like maybe he did--or certainly better than before.

Session went well thankfully I was able to switch things around short notice because of my chipped tooth. DBT was in a good mood but suddenly I guess I hit a nerve when I said I’m sorry I didn’t do some of the worksheets I was supposed to fill out and T said how do you expect to get better if you don’t do your worksheets? I said I’m sorry I know I missed some but I was having a tough time and T said that is understandable but let’s just do the worksheets next time okay?? T and I were supposed to do some exercises together but since T had another appointment we couldn’t do it and I said next time and T said of course and smiled and I smiled on my way out it was a good session.

I think I’m done with this guy.

The second I went in there he asked me if I had any friends and why not. The same thing he says every session. He told me I had to be realistic about my goals about moving out and buying my own car eventually and he told me I will never be successful at work if I don’t learn how to socialize.

I don’t need someone discouraging me from my goals. Moving out and getting my own car can happen.

And I don’t get why he’s telling me I’m not successful at work. I’ve been told I’m one of the best and most reliable employees in my department because I DONT goof off and talk a lot, and that they like that I focus on the work and nothing else.

I’m thinking of one of two things. Ending therapy completely, because I don’t think anyone will be any different then this guy, or go back to my old therapist. She wasn’t the best but she was very supportive and encouraging. I have no idea if that’s possible or not to go back to her, but this guy is not a good match for me.

We had some progress with one of my phobias...fireworks. T found a video online that had them constantly going off
Had it on in background at different volume while talking. That was nice. Also got a walk on. Was kinda hot so he gave my dog water after. Mostly good session minus a few things

Hey I have a firework phobia too!

And balloons. Dear god...my balloon phobia is intense. People think it's hilarious. It is not.

Tmc.

Really? That's one of my others too. T alternates them each week so I'm not overwhelmed.

Yeah I mean it's mostly the sudden noise... sudden LOUD noise... but any sort of sudden anything freaks me out horribly.

Sudden appearance of a person will do it too (I scream pretty much every time my husband comes into a room that has a closed door if I don't hear or see him coming well before he walks in)

I'm terrified of fireworks too... and thunder. I like to think it's just another way in which I'm like a cat... At least you guys don't have to deal with Guy Fawkes Night every year! It's a nightmare!

The 4th of July is not exactly fireworks free in the u.s.
I have to drug my older dog to the gills that whole week.

It was a session where I wasn't necessarily struggling as much as usual. I told T that this kind of session scares me because what if I end up feeling painful emotions when I get home. T talked about something that I should know but didn't. I told him I was stupid, and he said no, just not informed because it doesn't interest you. He asked if I could change our session from Wednesday next week to Tuesday, so we did. I told T how profound it was when he told me it was okay to feel the way I feel, it was okay to be me. And I got home and used this thought when talking with my H about things. I told him that this one thing made me angry and he didn't want to talk about it. I told him that's how I feel, I am not choosing to feel this way. But I wanted my opinion to matter, I wanted H to hear me and take my view into consideration when we decide what to do about the issue. And H and I put forth both of our ideas/feelings/etc., and we made a plan of action to address the problem. And we decided that we need to consider both of our emotions/feelings to resolve things in the future. It sounds like common sense, but it hasn't been thus far, but I am glad H and I have found a solution as to how to tackle problems. So it was a low-key productive session.

I called my old therapist directly tonight and asked if I could see her again. I’m not sure she was the correct person to call, but I’m not sure who else I would have called. I explained the situation to her. I hope she gets back to me soon. I have no idea If she’ll be able to see me. Like I know she “would” see me again but I’m not sure she has an opening. A lot of therapists in my area just don’t have openings.

Today’s session was less of a monologue than usual. R came in and sat down and asked whether I had seen her response to my e-mail. She said that she had read my message earlier in the week, but hadn’t had a chance to reply any sooner.
I thanked her for her response, and we talked about the similarity between my crying in pottery, and crying in the cinema.
‘Again, I lost all awareness of where I was…’
‘You alluded to that in the e mail.’
I went into some detail about the lengths to which I was going to try and stop myself from crying, and it happened anyway. I explained that there was a pottery demo going on, which I was supposed to be watching.
‘My pottery tutor was unaware of what had happened, until she looked up and I had basically dissolved. Several things happened at once. My mum came in to see whether I would be ready to leave soon, and then realized that I would need to leave immediately.’
‘How did you feel after you had cried?’
‘Embarrassed, ashamed…It is not normal to break down crying in pottery class.’

‘If you were in the class and somebody else was crying, I am wondering how that would be for you. Would you judge them?’

‘No! I would be the person with the tissues…’

‘So you would want to comfort them?’

‘Yes.’
‘If somebody was crying in pottery class and you went home afterwards, would it stay with you?’

‘That would depend on how well I knew the person.’

‘If you were close to them, you might want to check in with them and see if they’re OK…but would it stay with you?’

‘The inability to know what is mine has left me in a bit of a spot.’

We both laughed at that. R commented on my ability to immediately make connections to the bigger picture.

‘But when it comes to yourself…A word we haven’t used before is coming up for me.’

‘Oh?’
‘Vulnerability.’

I was surprised that we haven’t used that word before. R went on to confirm that I am uncomfortable with being vulnerable, and asked whether this was to do with how I am feeling internally, or if it is a fear of being judged.

‘All of the above.’

She asked me again how I felt after I cried.

‘For the first couple of days, I didn’t feel anything, and then I was fearful, because it could happen again at any time.’
‘I am picturing you putting a lid on it. “Can’t let that happen again!”’

I laughed, but it was uncomfortably close to the truth.

‘There was a lot of emphasis on the song, and although the song provoked it, it wasn’t the sole reason. I managed to half burble “I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what happened” and couldn’t speak for about twenty minutes afterwards. I wanted to, but there was no way I was getting the words out.’
R asked what it is about crying that scares me. ‘Is it the physical act of crying, or is it the emotional aspect?’

‘All of the above.’

‘Have you ever cried on your own?’

I initially said no, then changed tack. ‘November 2017, during a difficult night; the night is difficult. Crying is loss of control, crying is ultimate vulnerability.’

‘For me, unless you have hay fever like I do… crying is an expression of emotion. Interesting that you used the phrase…’ultimate vulnerability.’ I don’t want to overstep the mark, but I’ve been holding back…and I do want to say this: it’s OK that you cried at pottery.’

R continued by telling me about a lecture she had been to where there were fifty or so words on the board to describe emotions. She said that she realised she only uses four or five, and explained that she brought this up as a way of saying that no emotion is wrong. She senses that my emotions are quite jumbled, and indistinct. The notebook I had brought to session fell off my folder at that point.

‘Oh, for goodness’ sake…’
‘Annoyed that your book fell off…that’s one.’
‘I think it is the violence of this that scares me. But if I keep holding it together, it will find a way out.’

‘I hear an acceptance there. It will find a way out.’

‘I think it is to do with facing the reality of the ****** situation [the inner critic was making comments about ‘self-inflicted’, so I leaned over to my right side and flicked it away.] The fear, the anger, the sadness, and that terrifies me.’

‘That terrifies you?’

‘I need to know that you are with me.’

‘I am with you.’

‘And…’ I found it increasingly difficult to speak from this point on. ‘I need to know that you are OK with it.’

‘With what?’

‘If I were to cry in this space.’



‘Thank you.’

‘Well done. I could feel how hard it was for you to ask me for permission there, which was basically what you just did.’

We talked some more about the possibility that she may have a sympathetic tear in her eye, and her desire to be sure that I was OK with that.

We started off with small talk about the movie Annihilation which he mentioned last session. I told him I didn't think it was any good and stopped watching it an hour in. He said he thought it was an allegory for therapy. I said Alien would have been better.

We talked about registration for my exam. I said that I wasn't feeling very swell that I wanted to be alone. I said I wanted to come every other week for therapy. That I didn't like being dependent and needed to learn how to be on my own.

He commented that I had a push pull effect. That the way I behaved was characteristic. He mentioned that I also acted that way perhaps with a lot of other guys.

I told him that I spaced out ( I dissociate sometimes ) and told him that I found it hard to hold on to things sometimes.

R:You get close to people then you withdraw. It's these feelings that you have that you are no good, worthless, you feel like if other people see these they'll be disgusted and run. I preferred to be seen as someone who was functioning. Capable.

S: I just feel like it's not enough for me. I just want too much. My child part is hungry. 2 sessions, why not 3 or 5?

R: You feel like an addict ashamed of your addiction? It's not a bad thing to depend on others. Why don't you seek out others?

S: I don't want to care about others. What's the point? I didn't have an good experience at school. Okay if it was 1 or 2 people but I'm talking about 5. I don't want to try again.

R: You feel cursed. Doomed. You believe there is only one outcome.

S: it will end badly between us. Maybe my behavior will escalate. Maybe I will turn up at your doorstep at 2am.

R: We talked about our ruptures.

I began to cry more and said that I wanted to go home. That I wanted to see my sister. I wanted comfort. That my dad did buy me pokemon cards and take us Toysrus. When I was 7 he bought me a felt farm.

R: You have happy memories. In this moment how do you feel about your parents?

S: Sad.

R: Why sad?

S: I don't feel like they really know me. If I say I want to go home it's because I'm really not well right now. (more crying) I just want to be looked after you know.

R: I have a strong feeling of what you want.But I'm just trying to figure out if your parents were ever provide this for you. It seems like your not able to cut them lose let them go and I'm wondering what it is that keeps you attached to them.

S: Lonely is so lonely alone. I'd rather have that than nothing.

R: I get the impression that this kind of obsession you have with them potentially has a damaging effect on me.

S: I don't think obsession is the wrong word.

R:How would you describe it?

S: I don't know.

R: most people have good parts and bad. What I described to him sounded very bad in terms of my upbringing. The question remained how we defined my parents behavior. Did I have any thoughts about it?

S: No i don't want to talk about it.

R:You don't want to feel understood? I'm toying with the notion that your more open to the idea that your parents did have good qualities and you feel something akin to guilt. The sense that it wasn't all them.That maybe my behaviour could have been damaging too.

(I thought would you slap your daughter for being too loud, for being a child? but said nothing) and I began to cry .

R: I feel only half connected to you. I'm not sure if what I'm saying is getting through what's not getting through.

S: Well older me would say "yeah it was your fault".

R: You feel as if my comments are a criticism of you?

S: No. Yes.

R:You seem quiet upset.

S: Just sad

R: When I leave here, what then how will you feel on the weekend after I'm gone? You'll know this was the opportunity you had to speak to me, but you spent the whole session effed up playing with the fragmented picture ( It was a card I ripped up) and crying. Maybe you'll feel like you'd like to speak to me or send me a message.

S:I don't get what you're doing right now.

R:What do you think I am doing?

S:Trying to get me angry and I'm playing with my crap because I need something.

R: You oscillate between feeling sad and angry when I try to pose a more reflective position you shut down and withdraw. You frustrate me in my attempts to understand you better.

S:Sorry for being so frustrating.
(more crying)
I don't want you to understand.

R:What do you want S?

S: I wish I was dead. I want you to go and I never want to talk to you again. Go back to your nice middle class bubble.

R:You blame me for not understanding because I live in a bubble, when it's really you not doing the talking.

S:How am I not doing the talking?

Time was up.

S:See you on the 5th.

Just sent an email to my T after our session with a delayed emotional response. Told him not to respond, so of course he’s not responding, and of course I’m a little sad about that. Pushing him away. Ugh. Here’s what I said:

“Please do not respond. Seriously. I don’t want to play the game where I wonder if you’ll respond or if your response is good enough. If I know you won’t respond it just takes the ambiguity out of it and makes it easier.”

I say that to my T a lot, including the email I sent him yesterday. I don't see it as pushing him away. I do it for the reason you say - it takes the ambiguity out of it, and prevents me wondering whether or not he will respond. Also, I know that often his responses won't satisfy the very intense needs in me, and when they don't satisfy those needs I sometimes feel hurt, so it's better for me to tell him not to respond and save myself that hurt. I think it's part of taking care of ourselves.

I had thought about going every other week this summer to see how I did. But I want to go back to weekly in the Fall. The thing is, I don't know if I am doing this because I might feel ready or if I am doing this so you don't get sick of me and kick me out. Or am I just doing this to prove to you that I am working diligently in therapy. (in contrast to what the post termination phone call person stated to me). I don't know how to decide something like this that has possible terrifying repercussions. I am afraid to talk to you even about contemplating it because just me thinking about doing this is making me more clingy, it seems. I am so undecided and suspect I will continue to be this way for the foreseeable future.

I didn't write here yesterday, my memory of the session might not be so good now, but I didn't have the emotional energy to write yesterday.
So I went in and told him about what I thought the disconnection was, about seeing the therapeutic frame and feeling jarred by it. He asked how it felt to see the frame, and I showed him a poem I wrote about that. He misinterpreted a bit of it and I corrected him. He thought I was saying that the nice parts of the relationship are difficult to bear in general, whereas I was saying they are difficult to bear when I am reminded they only exist within the frame. When I clarified he just said "Oh! That's helpful!". Something felt inauthentic, I'm not sure why.
I told him I had a dream about him where he was a dentist as well as a therapist and I was going to see him as a dentist (thinking "yay, I get to spend an extra hour with him this week") but I was late and I couldn't find the dental surgery, and when I got there he wouldn't let me see him, he stood behind my chair and he wouldn't talk to me; I had to answer dental history questions on a touch screen in front of me and he wouldn't say anything or come into my view.
I think it's a really interesting dream, obviously relates to my disconnection from him recently, but he just said "I don't know what to make of that". So I was like "me neither" and that was it. He didn't even ask me if I had any thoughts about it. Normally when I tell him about a dream he is like "what really stands out to me is x, what do you make of that?" but it was like he didn't want to engage with it at all.
We talked again about feeling jarred, and he asked how that relates to two figures in my past who seem to be central to a lot of my trauma - my mother and my deceased ex. I came up with a concrete example for my ex but couldn't think of any for my mother. I said I could remember some from my Dad and we talked a lot about my Dad and the times he confused or shocked me when I was little, including one thing that I didn't remember and he had told me about (which I think I have forgotten due to the traumatic nature of it). I said it's interesting that I've forgotten clearly the most traumatic thing my Dad ever did. Maybe I remember most of the other things because my Dad was a figure of safety, and I've forgotten all of the bad stuff with my Mum (whom I am certain is central to a lot of my trauma) because she was so unsafe my unconscious has blanked it. Reflecting on it now, it's possible I learnt to dissociate back then. As I was describing myself as a baby, I referred to myself as "it" instead of "I" which my T pointed out to me, as it showed how disconnected I am from my child self.
My T was really engaged and helpful throughout this discussion. I think he was more comfortable with my history than stuff relating to my relationship with him. It's so weird because he's never had a problem discussing our relationship in the past.
There was about 20 minutes left. I said "I am conscious that this is our last session for 10 days and our last Wednesday for over a month". I was quiet. I wanted to ask him whether he had remembered that I asked him to write me a letter for the break (We have a 10 day break while I'm away then another 25 days while he's away) but I was really scared of the answer.
T said "that's shifted the tone". He asked what was happening. I said "what do you think I am thinking?" he said "you might be wondering whether I've remembered what you asked me to do." which was AMAZINGLY perceptive of him. I said he was spot on. He said he had started the letter but hadn't finished it, and asked if it was okay to give it to me in 10 days. I said that was fine. He asked me if I wanted the transitional object he offered me today, so that we only have to remember one thing next time (I would not have forgotten it, of course, but I still wanted it for my 10 day break). I nodded and he handed it to me. I played with it for a while (it's a fidget toy he always plays with) and then I said "how can you play with this all the time, it's so distracting!" and I put it in my bag as he laughed.
We talked a little about the anticipated stresses associated with my break, and how I can manage those. We stood up and hugged and I left.
After the session I wondered whether he was overthinking the letter and whether that was a cause of the disconnection. I still feel like it's him, not wanting to engage, specifically about therapeutic relationship stuff. I don't think it really is just me withdrawing after being jarred by the frame. It is so unsettling, I don't know if it is the letter or what. What if he resents me asking him to write it?
I sent him an email telling him not to stress about the letter and asking him not to reply. I'm not going to see him now until 2nd June, and that will be the last time until 27th June. It's going to be a tough month.

EM, when you say Jarred by the frame, are you talking about what feels like waking out of a protective bubble or spell and seeing the reality of therapy as a construct? Because I totally get that. It's very hard to find new footing after that happens, but one way I'm trying is to shift that connection to one that's internal and not dependent on the therapy relationship or setting.