Couch 179: Even-numbered days in a year

You have not disappointed me, artie. You can do what you like. I have not had the experience of feeling good about myself in the way you are seeking. I've noticed that when you are really feeling at home with yourself, it seems to be when you are with your drumming people or out in nature. Right now you're in a bathroom or on the dance floor and can't feel your face, so you sound more distraught than happy. I hope you can find what you're looking for. I really do.

((Art))

I just want you to be able to feel your face.

Ease in to this, sweets. It doesn't have to be shenanigans vs. go straight to bed. Enjoy your evening. You don't have to go into free fall to do that.

ok youse guys i am back in my room i danced my booty o ff for an hour or so and h came down there halfway through and i saw him watching so i went over and hugged him and and kissed him and he said have fun and i went back to dancing and i ahd so much fun and i din't do anythin gstupid and now i maback in my room all snug as a bug in a rug so come onsrsly has no one ever just had to do this comeon and and and admit it i'm not the only one am i??????????????????????????

i'm so ****ing tired of being the good littel girl all the time why do i always have to be the good lil girl

i'm sorry i'll just go to bed and shut up now

You mean, get drunk? I have often had to get drunk. Get drunk to have a good time. Get drunk to cry. Get drunk just because...life is f***ed up and hard.

So, yeah, I can relate.

You don't have to be good. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.The main thing is just safety for me. ( yep i think in quotes- that's dr Suess)

I'm heading back to the gym after an eight month absence.

I can relate to what happened for you last night artie, big time. I can also relate to how you'll probably be feeling by the time you read this.

It's okay. It sounds like you are going through a kind of personal awakening that you missed out on at the time a lot of people typically explore who they are. Be gentle with yourself. It is understandable to want to let loose and try to let go of the shackles of reality for a bit. In my experience alcohol never helps with that in the way I hope it will, but I think it's important to offer yourself a lot of empathy and compassion. You are struggling with what you feel you have missed out on so far.

I met my husband when I was a teenager and I didn't acknowledge my bisexuality until very recently. There is a part of me who feels I have missed out on exploring a big chunk of my identity. I do yearn to explore my sexual identity and also to explore my gender identity. I know it's painful, difficult and easy to resent life for its constraints and limitations.

It's okay that you got drunk and upset so don't worry about that. It's also okay that you want to explore this stuff, and I agree with the couchies who were online last night suggesting it's better to do that in a safe way that is true to yourself and your feelings. Though I absolutely understand the desire to just get drunk and lose control.

Take care of yourself.

H and dad are fighting about finances again. My H is being selfish. He got his model 3 Tesla, and I got approved for a loan for solar for our house. We are hurting for money because H just can't seem to get a job. Anyways, H wants to get solar over me doing IVF We still might have to move on top of everything. H wanted to move 2 states away! He wanted me to take a plane twice a month to see my T... He wants to sell my car, sell some furniture, etc. I'm so depressed. I want to cry, but I can't. Both H and dad won't let me be to cry. They always want to fix things. I'm just emotionally tired.

Edit:

Please try to stay safe. Could you just leave the house for a bit and go for a walk just to clear your head for a bit?

If H isn't working how can he afford the pricey car? That would be the first thing to go for me, cars aren't cheap. Just because he wants to move away doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to. The plane to T doesn't sound like a solid plan and I don't see why it has to be you who has to sacrifice everything.

Hugs Scarlet, that doesn't sound fair. Hope you can find some time by yourself so you can cry for a bit and think for yourself.

I’m new here so I don’t know your history but it seems like this guy is a little controlling. “H WANTS to move 2 states away.” “H WANTS solar over IVF” “H WANTS me to sell my car” “H WANTS me to take a plane”.

Where does what Scarlet wants come into this picture? Surely you can put your foot down and say “No! I’m not selling my car. No, I’m not taking out a loan for solar. No I am NOT moving 2 states away.”

Aren't Teslas really expensive? Why was it OK for him to get that, then he expects you to sell your car? And if you moved two states away, how would flying to see your T be at all economical? And can you just not do the solar thing? If you get it, then have to move,you'd miss out on any energy savings that getting solar would give you (though I guess it would increase the value of the house). It just sounds like he's making all the decisions--don't you get to have a say in these things?

Artie: I’m not as edjumacated as a lotta the couch-peeps regarding Poetry and Literature, but this is a nice one infused with calm and acceptance and vulnerability and an embrace of the things you so desperately want.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver

Oh, I was doing plenty of crying along with the cursing. And some hiding my face. I eventually realized I just had to tell him because he was trying to figure out what I was so afraid to share with him. At one point he was like, "I assume it's not that you want to kill your H." Which did make me laugh.


I think it does help having it out there. Like you said, it should be easier to talk about everything else now that it's out there. Because now I don't feel like I have this big secret from him. Like I was saying yesterday, I kept being afraid he could tell, that he'd figure it out. And then that would be it for the relationship. And I said I'd tried hard not to let myself feel it at all, but failed. But now I can stop fighting against it, and we can just move forward and work on other things.

Art, hope you're doing OK today.

Oh, and an amusing moment from yesterday's session. I mentioned that the first time I met T, I realized he was attractive. And so my first thought upon meeting him was literally, "Oh s***, I hope I haven't made a terrible mistake." T: "I hope that's not everyone's first thought upon meeting me, 'Have I made a terrible mistake?'" So we laughed and joked about that for a minute.

*Artie tiptoe to the couch and quietly sits down on one end*

ahem I'm sorry about last night. Pls to forgive me. I think I just had to be 24 again for awhile.

I'm back to being 56 this morning...

Now, I want to see how attractive he is! Lol!
My BFF met my t years ago because t and myself went to the place where a trauma occurred, but he wanted another person there too. So, she came with me. And the first thing out of her mouth after t left was omg he is sooo hot. And I am like, ummm ok? He is average looking guy, but nothing I would swoon over. So, now she always refers to him as my hot t.

I am sitting here wondering how it is that I have 4 pairs of headphones. I use earbuds in the summer and headphones in the winter when I walk the dogs but I really don't need 4 pair. I don't even remember ordering them. Apparently I am a giant sucker for headphone sales.

LT

The pic you showed me, I didn't find him attractive at all but obviously everyone has different taste, I'm sure you are not the first or last client of his to think that.

I was so excited to see mine was very not attractive look wise, I thought I'd be safe from feelings, Whoops LOL

(((Art))) can I sit by you?

They are very expensive cars. I think they start at close to 50,000..and that’s without all the add ons...

I’m sorry Scarlet, I struggle with how one could have that car and then also be hurting for money. The guy wants you to give everything up so he can have toys. Too many red flags there, just in that one paragraph.