Asking for Support

A frequent response I get on my posts and that I often see in many other posts are things like:
Did you ask your T for help?
Did you specifically ask for a return phone call or some type of reply?
Did tell your T her comments or actions caused you suffering.
Did you tell your friend that you are hurt and struggling?
Did you tell your H or your friend or your pastor that you wanted/needed their help/interest/support?
Did you speak up?

I know I don't do a good job of...crawling out from under the bed and seeking comfort and support from others. I also realize that when I do feel like I've made a direct attempt to ask for help/support, often my request goes unfilled.

So today I am asking myself...Why, when I finally reach a point where I would like some additional support from others and actually ask for it-- does it go unheard? Could it be that I am not conveying or asking the right way? Am I really making a clear request? Am I seeking support from the wrong people? Am I thinking that I need support when I really shouldn't be? Are my request just being heard but simply ignored? Or is it in my best interest that my requests are being denied so that I find support from within or maybe from another source?

I know only I can figure this out and there is likely many different reason why requests for support go unanswered.

My questions for the group are:

1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support?

2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?

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My questions for the group are:

1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support?

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It is very, very, very, very, very rare that I will ask for support for anyone besides my T. I don't talk about my problems, in depth, with other people. To me, support might just mean calling a friend or family member and just talking and laughing. Sometimes I do ask for that support from my sister, but I have to be pretty desparate-- it is nothing against her, I am just not the type to go out and broadcast everything. I'd rather handle it on my own.

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2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> No one will ignore you if you poke them long enough, lol. If I don't get the response I am looking for, then it is probably either that:
I didn't really ask for what I wanted
or
That person isn't capable of responding in the manner that I would like.

Wow - good thread. And i have to crawl out of the covers to type right now.
I pretty much don't expect help. I want it, but i can't get myself to ask directly for it from T or others. I will send an email or a phone message saying what is going on.... and then wait to see if anyone responds. When they don't (which is happening more and more often) i assume they are too busy to care about me and I am not worth caring about.... and go back to the pattern of taking care of myself - licking my own wounds. which, only keeps me wounded and irritable.
With the positive change that (i think) is happening in my life, my MD had to really get me to state that I needed help. She read what I had given her, asked what I needed, I didn't know how to answer her... and she said "If you say to me, Dr I cannot get well living in thsi house!" then that I understand. Do you need to move to get well?" I answered with a resounding yes before she finished her sentence. She said "Good. I knew that. But i had to hear you say it."

Hi Chaotic, this is an excellent thread! I like the way that you think so clearly and outline out your thoughts. I got better by analyzing things exactly the way you are doing here. When I was trying to get better what I found is that very few people were helpful! Isn't that terrible? Terrible but true. I used to get so upset when I couldn't find my answers. I eventually made it and found my answers but very few people were very helpful in my journey. This is why I come to these forums to help spread some info because I know how hard it can be. So anyway, I would assume that people aren't helping you because they simply just don't know how.

I got better by mostly working on my own head with the help of some therapists. In my situation I had to do most of the work.

Maybe my reply is off the mark a bit because you were really talking about support and not help/info?

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She said "Good. I knew that. But i had to hear you say it."

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OMG! this statement triggered a memory...."I'm my freaken mother!" Hate that

My mother was physically disabled but incredibly independent. As I have mentioned before... I was a complete self centered jerk throughout my childhood. The memory triggered is of my mother working hard to clean the house, while of course I did the bare minimum to help and then sat on my ***. I remember at one point watching her struggle with the vacuum, getting angry, repeatedly exhaling loudly and eventually throwing pieces of the vacuum. Of course as total jackass it was until she started to cry out of frustration that got off my *** and said, "If you need help just ask, don't cry." Her response was simply, "I shouldn't have to ask." I was such a total jerk. I guess what comes around goes around.

This raises another question. When people are aware of where your are and what you are dealing with... "Should you have to ask directly as if you were asking a complete brain dead teenager?"

My head is struck here and I am getting absolutely nothing done today ....

This is intimacy, isn't it?? Wanting someone to respond to you without having to directly ask them for attention??? It doesn't really matter what they do as long as they notice you and respond in some way.

Maybe I am not really asking for support from the people around me after all. Maybe I'm simply looking for signs that intimacy exists in my life somewhere. If this is the case then... I totally suck.

I think I need to go back to my original thought when starting this thread--that my request for support might have been mis-directed or poorly communicated in some way.

My T is teaching me that I have to ask, very clearly, for what I need. If I e-mail and don't specifically ask him to respond, he will read the e-mail but not respond. If I call him and don't indicate I need him to call me back, he won't call me back. He called once out of the blue when I was in crisis last week, but that was the first time that's ever happened, and I won't be surprised at ALL if it never happens again. And that's okay.

Earlier in therapy, I LONGED for T to contact me. I have really never asked for what I need - I barely know how, and it felt humiliating for me to ask for some reason. Maybe having needs was a sign of weakness? Maybe I expected the answer to be "no" as it was throughout my childhood? Perhaps I thought I would be punished for having needs? I KNOW I thought any need I had would be "too much" and I would be told to just go away.

T has gently encouraged me, again and again, to ask for what I need. And now I can do it, with him. In fact, I felt like I needed contact with him today, and I sent him an e-mail with the subject line "World's Neediest Client Needs E-Mail!" And I got the e-mail from him that I needed. I guess when it comes to T, I'm finally accepting (on good days) that I have needs, and that's okay with him, and he will always meet them for me if he can (and he won't be angry about it!)

Outside of T, it's still a work in progress, to put it mildly. For me, having needs = being vulnerable, and I'm not ready to let anyone but T (and whoever happens to read the boards on PC, apparently!) know that I am vulnerable. Just can't go there yet.

(((((((((((((((((( Chaotic13 )))))))))))))))))))))) Really good topic!

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earthmama said:
Earlier in therapy, I LONGED for T to contact me. I have really never asked for what I need - I barely know how, and it felt humiliating for me to ask for some reason. Maybe having needs was a sign of weakness? Maybe I expected the answer to be "no" as it was throughout my childhood? Perhaps I thought I would be punished for having needs? I KNOW I thought any need I had would be "too much" and I would be told to just go away.

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omg - this is where i am still. you put it into words perfectly. if it didn't embarrass me so bad, i'd print it and take it to t.
but that is just what MD was syaing. I have to state what I need - otherwise she is just another of the many ppl controlling my life like it used to be.

OK, earthmama and others who have asked if I actually communicate with my T how I am feeling and ask for support-- Below is a paragraph from an e-mail I recently sent to my T.

Typically after our sessions I have a clear and very detailed mental recording of the session with which I can rewind and replay repeatedly until I make some sense of all that was discussed. Last session's recording seems to be incomplete and out of focus. Maybe my lack of clarity is because I vacillated among feeling fine, feeling completely overwhelmed, and physically trying to refrain from vomiting. I am hoping that over the next week I can somehow regain my confidence and trust in this process enough to risk sitting on your couch at least one more time. I can’t help but wonder at times if you are deliberately torturing me when you ask questions like--- “What smells? What sounds? What sensations?” Or by making me endure hearing you finish the sentences that I am unwilling to complete. It is hard for me after a session like Wednesday's to challenge the my frequent conclusions that you are sick of listening to me, just trying to get rid of me, and/or that you just don’t give a crap how these things affect me afterwards. If these conclusions are not accurate, I could really use hearing them challenged at this point.

Am I conveying a need for support here? Am I being too needy or demanding? Am I looking for support in the wrong place? Would you reply to a message like this?

I think all I really needed was a simple replay... anything that would have challenge my negativity and helped me flip my perception of the session.
A simple: Got you message, we can discuss this next week...or... Soliaree's T's response... Be still..there is nothing you need to do at this moment, or... I'm here...You need to work through this on your own... stop sending me e-mails...

Maybe its not her job to provide this. Maybe her silence is suggesting that I find someone else to hold my hand and provide encouragement.

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Kiya said:
I have to state what I need - otherwise she is just another of the many ppl controlling my life like it used to be.

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Ahhh - this makes sense to me.

A few weeks ago, I painted a box to use as a symbolic "container" for overwhelming feelings, memories, etc. I asked T if I could leave it in his office. When I brought it, I was so scared to show it to him, because it looked so much like "me" - each side had a mandala painted in colors that soothe me. When I finally gave it to him, we talkd about where to put it. I WANTED him to say "let's put it right on my desk!", but I just couldn't ask for that - it felt like too much, and like there was too big of a risk of rejection. So, I told him just to put it on a bottom shelf of a bookcase, behind his chair, where I knew it would never been seen.

At the next session, we started really talking about my needs. And in the course of the conversation, he said he wanted me to feel cherished and nurtured, and asked what he could do to help me feel that way. I managed to squeak out "you could put my box on your desk". I could practically SEE his ears perk up. He wanted me to ask for it again - to say the words "will you put my box on your desk?" - and he said he wanted me to have the experience of asking for something that I needed, and having someone give it to me . He REALLY wanted to put the box on the desk, but I REALLY didn't want to say the words. I finally convinced him that I ask him for things I need ALL the time - phone calls, e-mails, Uno games - and that he always, always gives them to me. So, I said maybe this one time, he could just give me the gift of giving me what I need without me having to specifically say it. (which, I see now, was just another way of asking for what I needed!). He got right up and put it on his desk. I like seeing it there and knowing it's there right next to him while he's working.

T really, really wants me to state what I need. He wants to give it to me, but only if I ask. I think, like your MD said, it's a way for me to gain some sort of power over my life and what happens to me.

This is really interesting to think about.

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chaotic13 said:
So today I am asking myself...Why, when I finally reach a point where I would like some additional support from others and actually ask for it-- does it go unheard? Could it be that I am not conveying or asking the right way? Am I really making a clear request? Am I seeking support from the wrong people? Am I thinking that I need support when I really shouldn't be? Are my request just being heard but simply ignored? Or is it in my best interest that my requests are being denied so that I find support from within or maybe from another source?

I know only I can figure this out and there is likely many different reason why requests for support go unanswered.My questions for the group are:

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People that know you and love you would not ignore requests for emotional support by denying it, so we can rule out the thought that they might be withholding support so that you can "reach within" or whatnot. That type of person doesn't have your best interests at heart.

One of the primary reasons people don't answer is that they don't really listen.Everyone is guilty of that from time to time, but I try to work on that. Secondly, if you seem outwardly to other people as strong, independent, and a problem solver, the unfortunate backlash from that is they think you don't need help. That's why I'm a believer in making your needs known, as long as they are clearly communicated and rational.

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1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support

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When I was younger, I used to call my family and sometimes friends when I thought I could use support through a hard time. However, those so-called "friends" were self absorbed and immature, and my family--both immediate family and more distant---live under a rock where denial of all things negative rule over them. To acknowledge that a family member needs help is the last thing they will do. I don't even get holiday or birthday cards, or even a phone call from parents. Far too many untreated mental health issues in my family, and denial of anything real rules the house.

I have a T now, so if I run into a problem I can't handle until my next appointment I call his private office voicemail and he returns the call. I'm not willing to go into denial like my family does. I don't feel weak or stupid for reaching out when I need to.

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2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?

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Well, considering what I said above about my family and so-called pals, I know for a fact the communication error is on THEIR END and NOT MINE. I've given it careful thought over the years, and while I am capable of admitting fault when I do wrong, that isn't the case in my situation.
When I was younger and more impulsive and rash, this was a big emotional issue for me. I've been able to process over time, and I realize I'm quite capable of taking care of myself. I don't hate my family or old "friends,"

I usually do fine when I calm down and think about the whole thing rationally. After I see my T I've often got a good grip on the situation.
chaotic13, it's tough at first, letting go of the emotions that you have every right to be angry and/or depressed about. I found that for me, in order to take care of myself, I focused on what I needed to do to feel better, instead of how I must be hated or whatever (as a reason they ignore me).

Everyone is individual though. I find that if a person is indirect and beats around the bush that a person might miss the significance of it altogether. Some people couldn't see a darn thing when it comes to the troubles of other people, no matter how direct you are. Those people aren't really capable of helping others since they are so self absorbed.

You will know the difference after really scrutinizing the offenders from a logical point of view (which can only happen in a relatively calm state). You can't change other people, and appeasement doesn't work either (like a mercenary, they only work for a price). If I were you chaotic13,
I'd ask yourself if the people you seek response from are really worthy of having you around them. A good T, is a good resource.

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chaotic13 said:
If these conclusions are not accurate, I could really use hearing them challenged at this point.[/i]

Am I conveying a need for support here? Am I being too needy or demanding? Am I looking for support in the wrong place? Would you reply to a message like this?


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(((((((((((((((((((chaotic13)))))))))))))))))))))))

I can tell you how my T would have responded to that - he wouldn't have responded. I literally have to write the words "please respond to content" or he won't respond. This is something we worked out early in therapy. Even if it seems SO clear to me that I want a reply - because I am literally asking a QUESTION! - he won't reply without those words. It drives me a little crazy, actually, and we joke that there is an implied "you ***" at the end of those words ("please respond to content...you ***!")

My T probably would have read your e-mail, felt concerned, and talked with me about it in the next session. As much as that sucks.

I wonder if you could clarify with your T if she replies to e-mails? I know I've read that there are some people on PC who have said that their T doesn't do e-mail, but addresses the e-mail in session. I don't think her lack of reply implies that she doesn't care, isn't concerned, wants you to go away, or that you're being too needy and demanding. At all. I suspect it's one of those sticky communication issues that just needs to be worked out.

((((((((((((((((((((((( chaotic ))))))))))))))))))))) I KNOW how awful it feels to send out a vulnerable, honest e-mail like that and then to get no reply. Ugh. I'm sorry it feels so bad.

Thank you for this thread

And...
What is need and what is want?
I *want* my T to return a call to me, but do I *need* her to? Often I get stuck there and I can't call my want a need, so I say nothing. Same way in session. I take what I get and feel lucky to have that.

On top of all that... what is it I want or need? Half the time I don't know! I feel so stupid saying that, but there ya go, it's how I am.

To ask implies worthiness to me. I can hear an immediate angry "Who do you think YOU are!?" when I think I want or need something. That part of me runs and hides and I sit there like a cool calm (empty, aching) idiot.

i totally suck at asking for help. i only ask my t, and even then ONLY during assigned session time. doesn't matter how big a personal crisis i may be having, i ain't ever gunna call his after-hours number.

i could be at funeral when struck by lightening during an earthquake and i wouldn't call him. i'd wait and explain the whole thing at my next session.

S

chaotic, this is a really good thread. Thank you.

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1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">chaotic, in only my first or second session with my first therapist, the CBT person I went to when I was at the lowest of the low and barely functioning, we somehow got on my expectations for how I was going to get through this crisis. I told her I was coming to her to deal with this problem (that was the sole avenue for help I had taken). She corrected me immediately on that one! She told me that she could not do it all, that she was meeting with me only one hour a week, and I needed to put effort into building up my support network. This was something really important she worked with me on early in therapy. I tried to build up my support network (non-existent) of family and friends, even just by telling them how much trouble I was having. I had refused to tell anyone anything up until that point (that's why I went to see the therapist--I didn't want people who knew me to know what dire straits I was in). It was very slow going, but I did take some steps to build up my network and tell some people what I was going through. The very first person I told was one of my sisters. She was so helpful and understanding. It was great to share my burden with her. Slowly I told a few others over the course of months and months. Even though I sometimes malign my first therapist for not having been able to help me as much as I needed, this was one valuable thing she did for me--to get me on the track to having more help in my life than just a therapist. Also, and I didn't think of this then, when you do eventually terminate therapy, this helps there not be such a support void, if you built up your network.

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2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I come from a 20 year marriage in which my H met none of my needs. I knew this even before we got married and the effect it had on me was that I came to not ask him for anything or tell him any of my needs, because he always rejected me. The constant pain and hurt made me learn rather quickly not to tell him my needs. This was easy for me to learn as it was not dissimilar to some childhood experiences. So my answer is that the reason a person does not respond when you tell them your needs is because the person doesn't care about you. My H is the most self-centered person I have ever met and he truly has not ever cared about me. If a person cares, they will try to meet your needs. It is not that your needs are going "unheard" (unless you don't state them well), it is that the person is choosing to not meet them for certain reasons: doesn't care about you (my H), isn't capable (my Mom), wants to hurt you, doesn't have the relationship with you that makes it comfortable to respond (a casual friend, a business acquaintance), etc.

chaotic, what I hear in your post is partly that you somehow consider this all your fault, that you are not stating your needs clearly, etc. Well, maybe that is part of it, but it is a two way street, and if you have stated your needs and the other person refuses, then could it be that this rejection comes from them and doesn't necessarily mean you stated your request wrong? Sometimes requests go unheard because people choose not to hear.

chaotic, it sounds like your T does not respond to your emails, as a general rule. I think if you really want a response, you should not do email. You should call her directly. This would indicate greater need, since you are not in the habit of doing this. From your past posts, it has sounded like you frequently send your T emails going over your feelings, the session experience, etc., so your T may have even established a pattern of not opening and reading your emails until right before your session to bring herself up to date and remind herself where you were at last time. Could you try calling her next time you really need a response? I think it is easy for some people to hide behind the medium of the email (e.g. me!) and it is actually good for us to learn to make phone calls and tell people things directly with our voice instead of in writing.

earthmama, I loved the story about your box. I loved how your T met your needs.

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1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support

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Well, there are a number of ways I do this.

Sometimes I cry and/or have a temper tantrum--like leave the house, slam the door, etc. (embarrassing but true)
Sometmes I write letters and/or poetry.
Sometimes if I feel really courageous or clear of mind, I ask directly.
Sometimes I suggest a shared activity.
Sometimes I tell dreams and/or fantasies.

Of course the methods will often depend on who I want the attention from. If it was T, and I had a temper tantrum, I don't think he would respond favorably.

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2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?

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I ask. If I am an emotional wreck, and assuming the person is T, I often write out what I need first (see todays' post) and then read it in session. I have been known to mail him four page letters but the closer I get to him and the safer I feel in the relationship, the more I try to just talk these things through in-session. It is sooooooo hard, yes indeedy.

Hey Chaotic, it is really okay to take an hour to take care of yourself right now, today. I read your post about your nice weekend and your little boy. It brought me to tears. It was so beautiful. Now, take some of that love and give it to yourself. Take a big fat bubble bath; write a letter to T and know that you are okay and that this too shall pass.

And when you are in-session, ask her why she didn't respond. In my experience T never responds unless I directly say: I need you to respond today. He also doesn't do e-mails with me. Of course I call when I need him.

Another thought==maybe your request to T was something she would rather discuss in person? That feels very much like something a T would do!

Feel better and take gentle care.

Chaotic -
"Am I conveying a need for support here? Am I being too needy or demanding? Am I looking for support in the wrong place? Would you reply to a message like this? "

My t would read it, print it, and bring it up in session.
and i would cry all week thinking t doesn't care.

I have to say IN THE SUBJECT line and in the FIRST LINE of the paragraph - "Question - could you please respond?"

I've only done this once. in 5 yrs of therapy. And when I did, I got a response saying "Kiya - this was very clear communication, thank you." ...and then she answered the wrong question Remember that just because it is clear in OUR minds doesn't mean it is for any body else i know it totally bites.
(((((((((((((((((chaotic)))))))))))))))

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Simcha said:
People that know you and love you would not ignore requests for emotional support by denying it, so we can rule out the thought that they might be withholding support so that you can "reach within" or whatnot. That type of person doesn't have your best interests at heart.

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I'd like to challenge this statement. Several people have made comments that their T's will not respond unless they explicitly state... I WANT/NEED A REPLY. T's that require this are in fact denying/ ignoring a patient's request for support simply because it was not in the "correct" form. In my case I have always comforted myself and have rarely sought support from others. I am trying hard to resist my tendency to withdraw and hide from others. However I often get confused about when I am suppose to reach out and when I am expected to manage things myself. I think it is this confusion that makes my requests for support less direct. I don't know it just seem like at least initially any attempt to seek a connection in times of need would be initially reinforced and then of course later refined into a more appropriate request.

I think IF my T read my email, there is no doubt in my mind that she was well aware that a simple reply would have help me a lot. So I am asking myself... Why would she make me beg for it?

T's are not mind readers. They don't know if you want them to reply, or you are simply sharing.
T's also operate under some very good ethical guidelines. While it's perfectly alright, if the T has opened it up to receive emails or messages from their patients, for the patient to do that, it is not automatically okay for the T to respond. Some Ts might actually operate under the opinion that unless the patient requests the T contact them, it is unethical for them to do so. Right or wrong, many Ts feel this way.

The best way to prevent any confusion is to discuss this with your own therapist, and share that you have trouble asking for help, and that if you do call or contact them, you do want a reply. Otherwise, you need to garner the strength to ask for a reply in your message.

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Echoes said:
On top of all that... what is it I want or need? Half the time I don't know! I feel so stupid saying that, but there ya go, it's how I am.

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Exactly, this week I really don't know what I wanted, so how can I explicitly ask for it?

I think during weeks like this it is just hard for me believe that my T is sincere in the things she says. I had a lot of people in my life who claimed to care about me, when all they wanted was to use and manipulate me. Why assume that she is any different? I feel sincerity, compassion, and caring during the session, but later my mind starts to doubt this and looks for proof that I was not just imagining it (just wishful thinking). I really just want to know that there is someone out there that appreciates what I am experiencing and who is available if I need them.

The other night my oldest must have had a nightmare and woke up disoriented and disturbed. He came to my our bedroom, half awake, stood at the door for a minute and then when back to his own bed. He didn't really need to be held and comforted, he just needed to know that we were physically there.

I don't think I really needed to talk with my T this week. I just needed to know that she was for real. That she was there and at least minimally concerned about me. Her lack of even a two word reply, suggests that-- she is not. For someone like me, this just serves a reminder that this whole relationship is just an illusion or front to get me to lower my defenses and humiliate myself by talking about very intimate things with her.

I don't know, I guess I am just sadden to know that her caring it is not real that we really are just alone in this world.

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Sunrise said:
chaotic, what I hear in your post is partly that you somehow consider this all your fault.

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I do tend to assume what there is a miscommunication that it is my fault or my responsibility to correct the issue.

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chaotic, it sounds like your T does not respond to your emails, as a general rule. I think if you really want a response, you should not do email. You should call her directly.

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Unfortunately this statement is totally correct and I know it. I continue to want support via this medium, even though I never get it. Why???

I think this is a great question for more than just me. Why do people keep dreaming of having sex with their T or having their T bring them home and adopt them, even though it is NEVER going to happen? Why do people keep trying to make their marriage work, when it is NEVER going to meet their needs? In my earlier story about my mother. No matter how much she wished for, or how loudly she exhaled,... I was not going to move to help her until she did something I found intolerable (crying). Although a simple reply doesn't seem to be a big deal.... It is not going to happen.

The phone option doesn't seem to match with what I am capable.
I think for one... communication via phone is too intense and seems to create an even greater demand on my T's time. It also requires a middle man. I think if I could simply leave a message on a private office line, I might be OK with the phone option. However, when you call you have to either speak with the office manager or the answering service. I find the answering service the worst? "Their office does not open until 10, is this an emergency, what is your name and phone number." Also I imagine calling and having my T say.. "How can I help you, what do you need from me?" and I have no real answer...Oh, ah just wanted to see if you would actually call me back or not." or "Um... Could you just tell me again why it is OK for an adult to seek comforting from someone." "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that after being asked to describe details about ____, that I had flashbacks and got nauseous just washing dishes." "I was thinking about the class I have this weekend, and got scared about possibly freaking." Or Miss C here a good one... "I am having trouble settling down tonight .. do you think we could do a little transference thing were you could virtually scratch my back for a while until I fell asleep. (LOL)

I don't need to hear my T's voice or to ask her a question, I just need to know that the fact that I am struggling matters to someone. I guess this is stupid because.. it really doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I also know that if I really want a reply, I should explicitly say "I WANT A REPLY". But I don't, Why?

I think maybe I just want to want and I am not paying my T enough to indulge me.

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Sky_ said:
T's are not mind readers. They don't know if you want them to reply, or you are simply sharing.

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I realize this but, damn sometimes when you share something with someone its nice to get a little smile or nod and not just a blank stare.

Besides... although this statement does explicitly say...I need you to reply. I think it does convey that hearing from her would help a lot.
It is hard for me after a session like Wednesday’s to challenge the my frequent conclusions that you are sick of listening to me, just trying to get rid of me, or that you just don’t give a crap how these things affect me afterwards. If these conclusions are not accurate, I could really use hearing them challenged at this point.

I don't think being a mind reader is required to see that. If I was good at asking for help and seeking the support of others, I wouldn't need to be in therapy.

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chaotic13 said:
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Simcha said:
People that know you and love you would not ignore requests for emotional support by denying it, so we can rule out the thought that they might be withholding support so that you can "reach within" or whatnot. That type of person doesn't have your best interests at heart.

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I'd like to challenge this statement. Several people have made comments that their T's will not respond unless they explicitly state... I WANT/NEED A REPLY. T's that require this are in fact denying/ ignoring a patient's request for support simply because it was not in the "correct" form. In my case I have always comforted myself and have rarely sought support from others. I am trying hard to resist my tendency to withdraw and hide from others. However I often get confused about when I am suppose to reach out and when I am expected to manage things myself. I think it is this confusion that makes my requests for support less direct. I don't know it just seem like at least initially any attempt to seek a connection in times of need would be initially reinforced and then of course later refined into a more appropriate request.

I think IF my T read my email, there is no doubt in my mind that she was well aware that a simple reply would have help me a lot. So I am asking myself... Why would she make me beg for it?

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<font color="blue">You really are talking about your T only then?
I haven't heard of emailing T's before I'd read threads in PC here... I still do not think it is that widespread. I would imagine this would be a tricky situation for them.

If a T has boundary rules and such in order not to reinforce dependency on the therapist, then I can understand why emails from patients have to be formatted in a specific way... especially considering that in my experience, therapists are busy bees. So much is lost in translation in an email, I would imagine a certain amount of directness is required to determine the immediacy of a situation.
I wish I had a better answer for you. </font>

I forgot to ask--- is it possible that your T didn't have time to check her email, or that her Internet is down?

I know I am being argumentative here on this thread and that my T just like everyone's T is overworked and underpaid. She likely has 30+ patients all attention deprived, looking caring, and trying desperate measure to get it. Emailing, leaving phone messages, maybe even stalking her to get a seemingly random encounter in the grocery store (lol). I would not want to be a T. I think my T is not perfect but she is doing a great job at meeting my real needs.

I am very thankful for the time that she does give me. And I also know that wanting a reply and truly needing one are two different things. If she is faced daily with trying to choose who she really needs to contact immediately and who is just feeling low and wanting some attention, it make sense that including an explicit statement saying "CONTACT ME, LIKE NOW" is certainly a reasonable rule.