[melinda84]

I have been long distance friends with my boyfriend for years online and then we began a long distance relationship. About 2 weeks ago, he finally moved in with me so it isn't long distance anymore. There is some tension because he isn't going to school yet and he is still looking for a job now. Things have been good between us a lot of the time, but there's this issue that continues to bother me. I sometimes will fall back into depression and i find it so difficult to communicate with him. He doesn't understand how i am feeling. He often misunderstands what i'm trying to say. I simply go off on rants about things (especially when i've had a bad day or i'm not feeling well) and i think i'm just stating my opinion and then he'll take it as a personal attack. For example, yesterday i made a statement about not liking Toys R' Us because it's filled with misbehaved children that annoy me. He told me he always wanted to work there and i said that he probably wouldn't like it and he would want to quit right away. That made him angry and he assumed that i was telling him what he thinks and that i don't want him to work there. It's like i can't even have my own opinions without making him angry. We ended up not talking all night and that has been like the 3rd or 4th time it's happened in the past few weeks. I was feeling quite sick (like really cold and dizzy) and i got really depressed yesterday. The isolation from him has only made me feel worse so that's why i don't think it's the best way to deal with things. He wanted to make up this morning, but i brushed him off cuz i don't know if i can forgive him for acting that way towards me. I never wanted to fight and he turned it into almost a full day of not talking. He pretty much acted like i didn't even exist and that hurt me a lot. He tends to act insensitive to my problems. When he acts that way, it only worsens my depression. I don't want to continue not talking to him, but i'm afraid i'll only make him angry again. I honestly feel like i'm saying something that shouldn't make him angry and then he takes it the wrong way. I don't know what to say to him, but i never wanted to fight in the first place. I guess i'll have to talk to him tonight. I am just looking for some support and advice here. We really love each other so i don't want to just give up on this relationship. I'm willing to keep working at our issues, but i also need help from him.

[VickiesPath]

((((((((((((((((((( Melinda ))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry you are going over speed bumps in your relationship. I hate when that happens.

I have lots of experience of what doesn't work so I'll share that with you.

The silent treatment. I know it is counterproductive because I used to use it a lot and it never worked. I used lots of versions of it.

Here's what I would suggest. This will sound weird at first but here goes. Agree to disagree. Right at this time, the topic of your discussion, your offhand comment about Toys-R-Us, is not that important. So, throw it into the pile of "Agree to Disagree" and forget it for now.

When you feel better and the depression isn't so bad, the two of you need to learn to talk through your disagreements more. That includes learning to openly discuss things including rating them first on degree of importance. I'm serious. If you clam up and don't talk about things, they just fester and the feelings assigned to them get bigger. Not good.

Also, decide to not have important discussions when depressed. Also not good.

I hope you feel better soon.

[AAAAA]

[quote=melinda84;1153982]I have been long distance friends with my boyfriend for years online and then we began a long distance relationship. About 2 weeks ago, he finally moved in with me so it isn't long distance anymore. When people make the decision to move in with each other there is always an adjustment period. Did you actually know one another before you started this transition? It has been my experience that long distance relationship, particularly ones that start online with no irl contact, you don't get a sense of the whole person. I'm not saying that we're trying to be deceptive, you just don't see things like body language, tone of voice etc. Also, when you're in a really bad mood and just don't want to deal with the other person, you don't have to. You simply don't have to log onto the computer or answer the phone. It would probably have been best to maintain different homes until you get to know each other's quirks and warts.

He often misunderstands what i'm trying to say. I simply go off on rants about things (especially when i've had a bad day or i'm not feeling well) and i think i'm just stating my opinion and then he'll take it as a personal attack. I'm not trying to be rude, but this is more issue than his. If someone was not raised with this type of behavior, of course they're going to take it as a personal attack. We're yellers in my house, I was raised by yellers. When we're shouting, it doesn't mean we're angry, its just the louder you are, the more right you are lol. Quietly and pointedly making a comment is a sign of anger here, when it's quiet, then it's time for concern. Newcomers don't know how to take us.

For example, yesterday i made a statement about not liking Toys R' Us because it's filled with misbehaved children that annoy me. He told me he always wanted to work there and i said that he probably wouldn't like it and he would want to quit right away. That made him angry and he assumed that i was telling him what he thinks and that i don't want him to work there. Again, not trying to be rude, but read that statement. I don't know any other way to take that statement other than your blantatly stating that you think you know what his reaction would be better than he does himself. So many negative implications with those few words... I don't believe in you, you're too impulsive to think in the long term, you're a quitter.

It's like i can't even have my own opinions without making him angry. In the situation you've given, your opinions appear to be negative about him. Of course he's angry. He's left his family, friends, home, everything to be with you and it seems like he's hearing that none of it was enough.

We ended up not talking all night and that has been like the 3rd or 4th time it's happened in the past few weeks. I was feeling quite sick (like really cold and dizzy) and i got really depressed yesterday. The isolation from him has only made me feel worse so that's why i don't think it's the best way to deal with things. He wanted to make up this morning, but i brushed him off cuz i don't know if i can forgive him for acting that way towards me. This is emotional blackmail and not productive, it implies that everything must be on your terms and he shouldn't even make an attempt. He made an effort to fix things, a better approach from you would have been to explain, in a non-confrontational way how this made me (you) feel. "You" statements put the other person on the offensive, say instead "when this happened, it made me feel like my opinion did not matter." If you're not in a place to discuss the problem, you can simply say "I'm not ready to work on this right now." There is a place between euphoria and hostility.

Communication is THEE most important thing in a relationship. This whole thing sounds like a series of miscommunications. It's not what you say, it's what they hear. We would like to think that our boyfriends/partners know what's going on in our mind, they really really don't. The technique that made this absolutely crystal clear to me was actually taping the conversation. My husband and I would go over the tape, not in an effort to determine who was right, but to see where our communication was breaking down. What we discovered is that what we thought we were communicating to one another and what we were actually communicating are two different things.

[melinda84]

Thanks to you both for the great advice. AAAAA, your advice especially helped me to see more about the situation. You seem very Intelligent.

I did know my boyfriend pretty well before he moved in. We did spend like 4 days together in person before he moved and we had a really wonderful connection. We also talked on the phone once a day and online everyday. We were friends for like 5 years and then started talking much more about a year ago. We have been dating for about 5 months now.

I know that i have problems with how i communicate, but the thing is I have no idea how to fix my problems. I'm in the dark here. I would at least like my boyfriend to try to be understanding and sensitive to my issues. I had a negative childhood for the most part and i don't think i ever learned how to communicate effectively. My boyfriend isn't the only one to misunderstand me at times. Many people seem to misunderstand when i try explaining things to them. Coming to this site has been an attempt to learn more and so far it's working.

I do regret brushing my boyfriend off this morning, but i needed some time to myself to think about things really. I feel like i'm headed for a major breakdown. When i am in a depressed mood, of course my opinions of people seem negative. Everything appears negative to me when i feel depressed. The problem is i think sometimes i feel confused about what i am feeling. I can't always recognize that i am feeling depressed. My brain doesn't always work that fast. I often realize things after they've already happened.

My boyfriend called me and we are talking again at least. I still think we need to talk about these issues more when the time is right. I will let him know how i am feeling.

[jerrymichele]

Men and women do communciate different. In my relationship when things start getting out of control than I will take myself out of the situation until we can cool off, and talk about it. There are some things that I don't like what my bf does, so I just tell him (if it's not bad) "I don't much care for it, but if it makes you happy, then have at it". When you do speak to him about your feelings say "I feel" etc, ect, ect, instead of "you make me feel". When you say the "you" word they often take it like your blaming them. If you can try and do this you will start seeing a difference in the way the two of you can work things out. When he does something for you try to show apperciation for it, even if it is something so small. If you don't they will get to the point where they won't want to do anything for you.

[AAAAA]

I'm glad you took the advice in the spirit in which it was given. Communication isn't really as complicated as it sounds. Sit down with your boyfriend and set up some ground rules. Agree for example that when you're upset that you may say things that you don't mean or they may come out the wrong way. Eventually you'll learn to think about what's bothering you before you say something, so your words carry more meaning. In the meantime, he'll agree not to take what comes out of your mouth when you're upset personally. If it crosses a line, he'll try to let you know without engaging you futher.

Try simple exercises. When you're discussing something important, repeat what you heard back to the other person. This may seem childish and awkard, but I'm sure you'll discover what is said, and what is heard, especially in the heat of the moment are polar opposites.

Not wanting to discuss something is totally acceptable, but the way you get that space is important. Say something along the lines of "I want to clear this up, but I need to gather my thoughts right now." So he knows you're rejecting the fight, not him personally.

I totally understand what you're feeling and going through. Most of the time in any relationship, we react to the little things but what is actually bothering us is something bigger and festering under the surface. Sometimes the only way to get that out is through a blow up, but when you do battle the goal is not to maime or kill, it is to fix it.

At the risk of over generalizing or over simplifying, men and women speak two completely different languages. He'll take what you say at face value, even though that may not really be what you're trying to get him to understand.

My husband and I have been married a long time. He can usually complete my sentences and it is very difficult for us to surprise one another because we just "know" what the other is thinking. EXCEPT when there is a problem. I would get very angry because I thought I was making myself clear, and he should be able to figure out that A leads to B. Don't even get me started on my reaction to what I thought he was thinking or implying lol, he didn't stand a chance.

I'm sorry for the very lengthy reply, I seem to be very windy these days. But the very best advice I can give you is no matter what's going on, arguing about money or kids or whatever, when something comes out of his mouth that you think is hurtful, stop and ask "did you really just mean to imply that I'm stupid". Defuse the situation as soon as possible, because if you're anything like I was, if you let it sit there, it just grows and grows into a huge issue that could have been solved by simply asking for clarificaiton.

[AAAAA]

LOL Michele, we were saying the same thing at the same time!

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

LOL Michele, we were saying the same thing at the same time!

I've been laughing since you have been on today. And yeah that is funny. lol

[melinda84]

Thanks guys. That really helps me out. Don't worry about the lengthy reply, AAAAA. I appreciate you taking the time to help. It isn't going to be easy for me to change the way i communicate at all. I am so used to communicating in this way, but i am definitely going to try to change things. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. He is really a great person. We both tend to assume things a lot which isn't good. We need to ask more questions. Another problem is we are both pretty stubborn so we both try to keep our distance instead of just making up when we're upset. For some reason, i feel like it'd just be a weak thing for me to be the one to talk to him first.

[AAAAA]

This will help you in all areas of your life. Once you learn to make yourself known you'll feel much less understood. Good Luck. Always here if you need it.

[melinda84]

Well, i am feeling frustrated now cuz we just had another little fight. I really thought i handled myself better this time, but he kept taking everything i said the wrong way and assuming things. This discussion was about money and we just chatted online while i was at work which was probably a mistake.

The problem is i think he's been spending money too loosely and he isn't even employed yet. He only has like a little over $1,000 in his checking account until he finds a job so i think he should really be careful and save as much as possible. He has been going to the grocery store like everyday while i am at work (It's just to buy little things like gum or milk or eggs), but stuff like that can add up really if you go to the store everyday i know. So i simply tried to warn him to be more careful and that things like that could add up. I thought i was helping him cuz i am concerned really, but he just blew everything out of proportion and assumed i was treating him like an Idiot who didn't know those things. He doesn't seem to take advice that well. He also said he really didn't care about going to the store much, he just felt like he needed to get out of the apartment (which i understand). I told him he doesn't need to spend money to get out and just explore though and again he went back to blowing up at me to stop treating him like an idiot. I told him that there's no way i ever could believe he's an idiot and that everyone makes mistakes. That doesn't mean anyone is an idiot. I have made many financial mistakes myself in the past and i've known people that have before. I know it's easy to do. I don't see the connection there. It has nothing to do with being an idiot. I am just really worried that if he continues to spend money like this that he will get down to not having anymore before he finds a job. Finally, he told me that he needed to get out of the apartment cuz it was depressing there so if he was feeling depressed all that time i wish he would have just told me that up front.

Please tell me if i went wrong here. It hurts so much that he assumed that i would think that way about him. We are not enemies so i don't see why he can't just accept that i was giving him advice.

[AAAAA]

Wellllllll, it depends very much on your tone of voice, body language etc. It does sound more parental rather than partner. It's hard to say really not being present. The three major problems in relationships are Money, Kids, and Communication. What were the ground rules you set up about money before you moved in together? Do you have seperate accounts each being responsible for 1/2 of expenses?

I would venture to guess that he's feeling very sensitive about not being employeed right now. And your comments, even with the best of intentions, probably rubbed salt into an open wound.

I will give you the same advice I gave my adult children, just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you have to share it. Take this opportunity to turn this situation into a positive learning experience. Let him know that you are concerned not because you do not believe in him, but because YOU have made financial mistakes in the past and this is a source of concern for you. The issue here isn't him going to the store spending a few dollars here and there, it is that you are concerned about your financial future. You're fighting about the little thing while the real problem remains untouched really. If I were to venture to guess, I would say the real problem is that he isn't working.

I don't know where you live or what things are available to do in your town. But instead of saying "going to the store daily is expensive" suggest something different. Like hey, that corner cafe has good coffee, why not go there for a cup in the morning. He'll meet new people and perhaps even hear of job opportunities that he would not otherwise.

The two of you are going through a serious adjustment period. Most people do not like unsolicited advice. But if this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to figure out a way to make your feelings, concerns, needs known without the other person taking it as a personal attack. Ask him how he thinks you can talk these things out without both of you being on the offensive.

[RomanSunburn]

Melinda,
I feel like I have been where you are. I just want to try and point out a few things. First of all, your boyfriend is used to being on his own. Even if you guys have been friends for a really long time and did a LDR for a little while, he is probably still trying to get used to the idea of living with someone and always having to answer to someone. Furthermore, he's only lived with you for two weeks. I dont know how long he's been in the area, but two weeks (in this economy) isn't a long time to be on the job hunt. Right now, he's going through issues over no longer being completely independent. He now feels like he has to answer to you every day and lacking a job that would get him out of the house and fuel an independent feeling in a co-dependent setting. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about these things now. Give him some space to make his own mistakes. As long as you are financially stable, there is no need for you to add to his stress. He is an adult, and he expects to be treated like one. I know that you are probably trying to be gentle and nice and simply show concern, but sometimes the best way for someone to learn something is to find out on their own. If you can let him make his own mistakes and find his own way (however long that takes) without any harm to yourself, then I would strongly recommend to try not giving your opinion on what you think he should be doing in his life right now. Listen to AAAAA, she has a lot of great advice to offer. Try to think about everything you want to say before you say. Try to figure out if there is any way he could take it negatively. If there is, try rewording it or simply not saying it at all. Let him be his own man for awhile.

I hope none of this came off too harsh, but I, like you, am trying to offer advice on mistakes I've already made.

Best wishes,
Ro

[VickiesPath]

AAAAA really knows what she's talking about. This is going to be a tough period for you two so kind of take it easy and try not to get as upset about stuff if you can help it.

Seriously, you would be surprised how the miscommunication thing works. I started doing exactly what AAAAA suggested to you and I started verifying everything that my husband said to me. Also, I asked him to repeat back to me what I said to him. I was absolutely floored by some of the stuff he repeated back to me, things that he thought I had said to him and they were way off. It was an eye opener. I learned how emotional he was when we were arguing and how much he was hearing.

Also, I wanted to tell you, lots of people don't recognize when their depression is coming on. I don't. Sometimes my husband notices it before I do. It's subtle so don't feel bad.

[melinda84]

Thanks guys. Yes, i agree that AAAAA has some great advice. We each have our own bank accounts and every month he pays me some money for rent and bills. Yes, the real issue is that he still hasn't found a job, but it doesn't seem like he's been looking that much for a job lately either. I'm feeling a bit stressed because we have been spending more money in food and for electric. I have spent more than my budget. I feel like i need to help him out while he is unemployed though and so i cover more than half of the expenses. I have a steady job and he only has a fixed amount of money that he needs to save.

I called him up and ended the fight this time. I later realized that it was really stupid to get that upset over him spending a few dollars here and there at the store. It's especially unreasonable to be upset over when i have spent money on stuff i didn't really need before.

I will try to find things for him to do that will allow him to get out of the apartment more often.

Things have been working out fine the past few days, but i got a bad cold which sucks.

[melinda84]

I don't know if it's mainly my depression causing me to think so negatively at times about this relationship or there really are a lot of problems. Maybe it's a little of both. Anyway, lately things have seemed to take a turn for the worse. It seems like he doesn't want to put forth the effort to communicate how he feels to me. Yesterday, he started to wrestle with me and i wondered what brought that on so i asked him if he was bottling up any anger or resentment towards me and he just totally dodged the question by saying Okay, Dr. Phil. That really bothered me and i didn't speak to him again for the rest of the night. I feel like i'm losing him. He also stayed up pretty late last night and had the tv on pretty loud. It kept me up most of the time and he didn't seem to care. It's little things like that which make me question his feelings for me. Also, he woke me up like an hour before i had to get up this morning. He was yelling at the cat of course so i know he didn't mean to do that, but he also stole my blankets which made me really cold. I just don't know how much more of this i can take. I am starting to wonder if him moving in with me was a huge mistake. Do you know how i can get him to open up more? I'd really like to try to work this out, but he needs to make an effort to open up at least. When i try to communicate, he dodges my questions so apparently i am doing something wrong. That isn't the first time he dodged a question. He's done it at least a few times. I am feeling more and more like i want to distance myself from this relationship cuz this is depressing me. I left early for work this morning without saying goodbye and i feel like i wanna stay at work later as well just to be away.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by melinda84

I don't know if it's mainly my depression causing me to think so negatively at times about this relationship or there really are a lot of problems. Maybe it's a little of both. It's been my experience that depression will make EVERYTHING worse than it really is. This is why many other members have suggested that you do not make any life changing decisions going into, in, or coming out of a depression. By definition you judgement isn't 100%.

Anyway, lately things have seemed to take a turn for the worse. It seems like he doesn't want to put forth the effort to communicate how he feels to me. Yesterday, he started to wrestle with me and i wondered what brought that on so i asked him if he was bottling up any anger or resentment towards me and he just totally dodged the question by saying Okay, Dr. Phil. Please don't take this the wrong way, but is there are reason you took this playful gesture and chose to take it a sign of something negative? Are you doing this frequently? If so it's very possible that he's feeling that no matter what he does, it's wrong. Frankly it sounds very much like you are the one that is angry and need to face those feelings.

That really bothered me and i didn't speak to him again for the rest of the night. I feel like i'm losing him. If this is the way you chose to face an issue, this relationship, or any relationship really, doesn't stand a chance. Once again private space is acceptable, putting up walls of silence to punish him is so negative. You're saying this bothered YOU, think for a minute what he's thinking and how he's feeling. Every conversation turns into a major blow up, so he decides to do something playful to release some of the tension, to get some physical contact and positve re-enforcement and you flipped it on him, and further added insult to injury by then giving him the silent treatment.

He also stayed up pretty late last night and had the tv on pretty loud. It kept me up most of the time and he didn't seem to care. It's little things like that which make me question his feelings for me. I'll bet you a dollar to a hole in a donut that he's very much questioning your feelings for him. Wondering if he made the right choice moving to your location. No one's perfect, we all have faults. Long term relationships are all about give and take.

Also, he woke me up like an hour before i had to get up this morning. He was yelling at the cat of course so i know he didn't mean to do that, but he also stole my blankets which made me really cold. This has been a problem for couples for centuries. We have seperate blankets. When hubby comes to bed he brings another comforter. 1) because he's always colder than I and likes more covers 2) If he didn't I wouldn't even have a corner of the sheet covering me because he wraps himself up in it.

I just don't know how much more of this i can take. I am starting to wonder if him moving in with me was a huge mistake. Do you know how i can get him to open up more? Simply put, lighten up. Pick your battles. Make it comfortable for him to express how he's feeling without fear of the silent treatment. I would also add, very few men randomly express their feelings. Men are wired to hold things in, so he's probably never going to just chat about every feelings.

I'd really like to try to work this out, but he needs to make an effort to open up at least. When i try to communicate, he dodges my questions so apparently i am doing something wrong. That isn't the first time he dodged a question. He's done it at least a few times. I am feeling more and more like i want to distance myself from this relationship cuz this is depressing me. I left early for work this morning without saying goodbye and i feel like i wanna stay at work later as well just to be away.

You're only a few weeks into this live in relationship. All of life's issues really don't have to be solved today. Some things rarely change, such as abuse, but the rest can wait. When something happens, ask yourself, will this really matter in a year? Ten years? If one of us discovered tomorrow that we have a life threatening illness, would this rate on the priority list? If you think about it and the answer is no, then you have a choice, react, become upset let this minor issue control and consume you or just let it go.

If you think that this relationship is damaging to your mental health, whatever the reason. Be honest with him. Right now your doubts are making you resent every little thing he does and find fault with it. He really doesn't stand a chance. Please be aware that these issues will not end with this relationship. We all carry baggage with us, and how we deal with it and project it onto other people is our own responsibility.

[billieJ]

When you said he probably wouldn't like it and would probably quit right away, you may have hit too close to home on his joblessness issue. It sounds like you may be working, since somebody has to provide the support, and, so far, it isn't him. Once he gets a job and holds one, I thing many of your problems may be reduced. His may increase if he has resentments over having to work. Just a thought ~ billieJ

[melinda84]

Thanks. I know i have problems and i really don't think i'll ever figure out how to solve them. I'm doing him a favor by pushing him away. I really care about him and so I know that he deserves better than me. He really seems to want to make this work cuz he gave up his entire life for this relationship. I can understand that, but i'm afraid i'll just continue to disappoint him. I don't know how to feel better. When we have these fights, he gets angry and frustrated and says some mean things and i really take it to heart. Then, i start questioning how he really feels about me. I have the hardest time letting go of past issues. I have tried to just forget it and it's not that simple. I can't seem to make myself think any differently. Yesterday, when we had a fight i got an anxiety attack and i hit my head on the wall pretty hard. I know that isn't a good way of dealing with things, but i don't know how else to deal with all of the pain. I don't really want to deal with it that way though. It's just a way of punishing myself. I do have a negative way of thinking as well, but i can't even see that i am being so negative much of the time. He told me he felt bad that i was being so distant, but that's a natural reaction of my depression. I just feel like i want to be alone sometimes, but at the same time i wish someone would act like they want me around. I didn't even see how much that i was being distant until he told me. It seemed like it was him that was being distant to me. It seems like any relationship is damaging to my mental health so maybe i should just be alone forever. I need him to express his true feelings to me. If he doesn't, then i am left to wonder how he is really feeling and i may assume something that isn't true. If he doesn't ever really open up to me, then i don't see how this is going to work out.

[RomanSunburn]

Melinda,
You sound so much like me in your last post, it's almost uncanny. But let me try and be gentle, and tell you some straightforward things that hurt, but you really need to here.

First, you're catastrophizing and dramatizing. These things aren't necessary and are only going to hurt you in the long run and cause undue anxiety. You really need to calm down, and stop worrying about whether or not your boyfriend loves you. He moved to be with you. He dropped everything, friends and probably family, maybe even a better job market to be with you. He loves you. Stop trying to expect the worst; the worst may never happen and expecting it to will only drive you crazy.

Next, when I tell my boyfriend that I'm leaving him for his own benefit, because I'm not worth being with, he needs someone better, etc etc etc. He says to me, "Don't be silly. Let me determine that up for myself." This makes perfect sense. Let him decide what is worth his time, what is good for HIM. He will let you know if things get to a point where he can't handle it. Until then, try not to think about it. He will appreciate it, trust me.

Last, try to let yourself go. I know stress and anxiety and depression are horrible mood killers, but try to simply relax. Let yourself love him. Let him love you. Don't analyze everything he says. I think was mentioned in previous posts and there was some reason you couldn't, but try to get yourself to see a therapist. You really need someone to talk everything out with, to help you get a handle on yourself.

There were some more things I wanted to discuss, but I can't remember exactly what they were and I have to run to class in a few minutes. If you want to PM me, feel free. But above all, try to relax. He wants to help you, be near you, love you. Just let him.

Best wishes,
Ro

[melinda84]

Thanks for your input. You act as though i can just change everything that easily. It isn't that simple for me. I can't help thinking these things. Lately, i have become worse for some reason. It's really tough for me to adjust to living with him. I was used to being on my own for awhile and not having anyone so close. I find it hard to be affectionate and to talk to him about this kinda stuff. I don't want to upset him, but i have in the past when my intentions were good. I just can't seem to figure out how to communicate my feelings in a good way and sometimes i am not even certain about what i am feeling. These negative emotions run through my mind all the time though and it's like i can't escape them. I am really uncomfortable with talking to strangers in person about these things so that's why i haven't gone to see a therapist. I am ashamed to be this depressed most of the time. The more i think about how troubled i am, the more depressed i feel too. I do try to relax all the time, but i've always had a really difficult time relaxing. Sometimes i get anxiety attacks when i get really upset. The only things that have helped me relax a little temporarily are taking a nice hot bath and listening to soft calming music. I can't do those things all the time though.

[jerrymichele]

Melinda are you getting treatment for your depression, and anxiety? If not you might need to be treated for it. I my self have panic disorder. That alone can really make your life miserable. Before I was treated for it my bf had a hard time being around me, because I was always stressed, and freaking out all the time.

I would also like to say that you are good enough for your bf. If he didn't want to be with you then he wouldn't have came to be with you. IMO that says something in my book.

You could try writing down your feelings, and then find a way to express them. Maybe he won't be so upset then. When you two argueing tell him that your not going to argue. Come back and talk when things have cooled off.

[AAAAA]

Very good suggestion Michele! I did find it very helpful to write things out.

Melinda - Changing your attitude and reactions (that are NOT related to your depression) is as simple or as difficult as you make it. You've fallen into destructive patterns that make you miserable, but it's what you know and therefore comfortable. Having a negative attitude "I can't do this" will become a self fullfilling prophecy.

I'm not trying to belittle the what it takes to change those destructive behaviors. I struggled for YEARS with anger issues. What I discovered was that I really did have a choice. When something happens that grates on my nerves, I have a choice. I can either get worked up and angry which creates a domino effect of misery for everyone involved or I can let it go. Now some things are definately worth fighting for, but MOST of the little relationship fights (that escalate) are not.

The only behavior you can change is your own. PERIOD. Before you can be in a loving, healthy relationship, you've got to be comfortable in your own skin. It does not sound like you feel very comfortable or secure. Therefore you're projecting your own fears and insecurities onto him, and he's more than likely confused as hell. This leads to the next problem, then the next.

The underlying problem, I think, is currently him not working. This economy stinks. It's not easy to relocate for reasons other than employment and get a job. But what is his past history? Has he always worked? If so he will again, and once he does that problem will go away, but the issue at the core will remain.

We've traveled a circle back to you, if you're not happy, if you're not secure, if you're not comfortable with who YOU are. There literally is not a thing he (or anyone) can do to make you these things.

If you learn to figure out what YOU need to be secure, you can help him make you feel more secure by communicating EXACTLY what it is that you need from him. In my layman's opinion, by saying you feel he deserves someone better, what you're trying to say to him is "make me feel like I'm the best there is, prove to me you love me". But unless you feel you ARE the best thing for him, there is really nothing he can say or do to prove this to you.

I'm not trying to rationalize him saying hurtful, mean things. This is NOT acceptable and he needs to learn to get his needs met without resorting to this. But I have to confess in my youth this was one of the tools I frequently used, for a combination of reasons. Some of them were 1) If I said these things to my husband and he still loved me, then he REALLY loved me 2) If I was able to hurt him that much, then he really loved me 3) I was REALLY hurt and angry and misery loved company. He who caused the most pain won. I won a LOT.

BUT and this is the motherlode of but's, are the things he's saying intended to be hurtful (again, when I was in that mode, my goal was to cause pain)? Could this be yet another example of a communication issue gone terribly wrong? In the wrong frame of mind, even a compliment can be taken as an insult. If he were to say for example "you look very beautiful today" you can take that in the spirit it was given, or you can put a sinister spin on it. Oh, I usually look like crap, he's found someone else and he's trying to hide it, or whatever you're feeling insecure about. You can only hold him accountable for what he actually does.

Your theory on his wrestling really hit home to me. When I used to wack my husband on the arm it IS because I was irritated and wanted to release some hostility. When he started wrestling with me (still does to this day) he usually... well is in a playful mood and wants sex.

I've bent your ear long enough. I hope you find some peace soon.

[RomanSunburn]

AAAAA,
You find such a nice way to put things! You basically said some of the things I was trying to say myself, only I can be rather brash at times.

Melinda, I hope I didn't offend you. I wasn't trying to belittle your struggle. But I've been where you are, with the anxiety and the depression, and the only way stuff got through to me was when people didn't sugar coat it, and finally told me to my face what I really needed to hear the way I needed to hear it in order for me to understand that I couldn't depend on anyone else any longer to change the way I felt. Again, I'm very sorry that I came off as harsh, I simply wanted to help you as best as I knew how. When someone was a little harsh to me, I was finally able to be harsh with myself (about getting better, not emotionally beating myself up anymore).

Best wishes,
Ro

[AAAAA]

(((Roman))) thanks so much. I've been called "blunt" myself, but from my view you were completely tactful and not harsh in the least. I too have only learned when faced with some hard truths. In my own case if they hadn't been delivered in a harsh tone of voice with a healthy dose of tough love (ie not putting up with my excuses or rationalizations) I would have never paid attention.

I think of it in terms of talking to your child or pet (not at all implying anyone is childish or petlike) if you say in a sweet voice "oh honey, don't go near the road" the kid/pet is going to keep heading for the road. If you shout "NO, stay AWAY from the road" they stop, then say in a sweet voice "thank you" the message is heard and understood. The most important messages in life are usually short, blunt, and to the point. And yet... I ramble on... lol I'm a work in progress.