Birthday Blowup

This is just a vent and this problem is just a sprout from a deeper marriage problem that's been going on for 5 yrs. I accidentally got my husbands birthday date mixed up - for some reason I forgot it was the 5th and thought it was yesterday. He was already mad from 3 days before over something else, so when he came home on the 5th with a cake in his hand - he appeared sulking - I thought he was still mad from the other day but that was actually his birthday. If that was me I would have spoke up and said "hey did you know today's my birthday". He didn't bother to say anything and we proceeded the next day to make a cake with a card and gift card inside - he has everything so he's hard to buy for. I never bother to ask when he's coming home - that's the way its always been. Finally my 9 yr old call him on his cell and said "Happy Birthday" and he disappointingly said his birthday was the day before and that he's so disappointed. This made her cry.

He comes home all mad and refuses to open the card or have cake - even said we can throw it in the garbage. He knows I would never intentionally or negligently forget his birthday on purpose. He could have accepted this statement but no...he dragged it on. I admitted my innocent mistake but he rejected that and continued to be miserable. I feel he should have accepted that explanation and for the kids sake just let the kids acknowledge his birthday. This was a mole hill made into a mountain.

It sounds like you certainly do have a marriage problem, in that it must be hard to be married to a child. Well, I don't know him, so that might be assuming too much, but that's how his behavior sounds to me. To talk to his 9 year old child like that was very selfish of him. I hope he has other redeeming qualities, because a self-centered, over-sensitive, sulky attitude gets real old. He has a lot of growing up to do, and that will take a lot of time, if it ever happens at all.

I believe you are right for the kids sake it's not their fault, mistakes happen. Sounds like he has other issues right now. Everyone makes mistakes at least you didn't forget it all together!

Thanks Rose76 and no you're not assuming too much. Your description is accurate - he did behave like a child having a temper tantrum. I struggle occasionally with anxiety with situations like this and I woke up at 5:00 am with stomach cramps. I feel shell shocked today.

gma45 - that's right...I told him if I wanted to forget his birthday then I wouldn't acknowledge it at all. I'm not the vindictive type and I certainly wouldn't let the kids forget regardless of what problems we have.

(((((Lynn)))))

Mistakes and oversights happen. I can understand him feeling a bit down about it, but I would think, upon hearing your apology, and upon hearing the sadness of you and his daughter, that he might be able to accept that it was an oversight and show appreciation for the fact that you were all attempting to honor his B-day.

To shame your Daughter for calling to wish him a happy day is very childish. I'm sorry that hurt her.

I hope at some point he will be able to see past himself and realize that, even though you overshot it by a few days, your heart was in the right place and you really thought you had the date right.

I'm sorry he's being such a jerk about it.

I'm here for you!!

Wow! That is all I have to say for your husband.. no offense. It's not so much his behavior but how it makes YOU feel. You don't deserve a guilt trip, suffer insomnia and stomach cramps for making a little mistake. Don't get me started on the emotional pain inflicted on your child. That was cruel. Reminds me of my bro in law. I was invited to a birthday dinner he cooked for my sister. He tried to make the evening all about HIS great dinner, and the flower arrangement HE picked and made for her, and on and on and on all night. When he wasn't given enough attention, he sulked and finally picked an argument with my sis over a minor disagreement. Finally, he stormed off upstairs. I looked at my sister and said "who is today supposed to be about"? Selfish, emotionally immature people don't care who they hurt. Not to say that your husband is. But his behavior paints the picture.

P.S.
Funny how I hated when my narcissistic ex gf would always use the phrase "no offense, but" and then proceed to offend... as if those two little words made it all better. Now, I find myself using that phrase. But I am sincere when I use it, I assure you.

Thanks Yoda, Elysium and StrongerMan. All this could have been have been solved so easily because I admitted I simply got mixed up. I honestly think this was my minds way of blocking him out, if that makes any sense. If he wanted to be a good parent he could have let it go or I would have not even bothered to make an issue at all and pretend its my birthday. After all people delay their birthdays often.

StrongerMan - funny you mention narcissistic. He was involved in a legal suit and the other sides psychiatrist made the diagnosis of him being narcissistic. I've even seen him show psychopathic tendencies. He does act immature and doesn't listen to reason what so ever when he's mad. In his everyday interaction he appears very charming and caring with people he likes. I told him he needs help but I don't think he would ever get it because bullies and narcissists don't have the problem, only the people around them do. Seriously one day I'm thinking of writing a book about him and what's happened. It would make an interesting movie.

I'll tell you one weird story that happened 3 yrs ago. As some may know, he married another woman in a religious sense....supposedly in the U.S., I'm Canadian. He told me he was going for a week long examination for some neck pain and doing a sleep study. I sensed this was a lie. At the end of the week I'm at the dollar store and I saw this wife friend of ours. So she says "hey hi ....how was your trip to Florida"? He told her and her husband that he took us to Florida. I was stunned and dieing inside, fumbling with what to say. I just said "Oh it was good" as I turned shades of red. He actually took her disabled son to Disney World while we stayed home on March break. This sounds like something out of a movie and I swear every word is true.

I happen to have some experience with persons who have this tendency where if you look sideways at then they go into a sulk. Even before I read your most recent note, I was thinking of the word bully. I see that term came out in your most recent note. People like this can keep you walking on egg shells all the time, with you trying not to set them off. That keeps you in a state of constant tension whenever someone like this is around. Also, the child functions as a kind of hostage. Even if you felt he deserved to be told off about his behavior, you'll always fear that if you tick him off, he'll take it out on the child. That is real sophisticated bully tactics. A person like that may not even need to be physically assaultive. In a way, that is part of his cleverness because he can say, "Hey, I'm not doing anything illegal."

In the end, the more you try to placate him, the more of a monster you create. It really is exactly like dealing with a child who throws temper tantrums. That will continue to take a toll on you the more you dance to his tune. And he will know exactly how to keep you doing that. You just want peace in the house.

As hard as it is, especially with a child present, you might think about standing up to him and in no way placating him when he is getting near to or actually going off. Unfortunately, that can probably only work on a person who is, in other ways, a decent human being. That story about what happened 3 years ago gives me the impression that he may be too far gone to be redeemed. Then, again, like I said: I don't know him.

Thank you for your thoughts Rose76 - as far as I'm concerned the marriage is beyond fixing. When he initially got involved with the other woman, I gave him a year to decide who he wanted and I said we could reconcile if he left the other one. He never kept his promise and now I have no interest in physically reconnecting. He thinks he can continue living here and I'm supposed to accept being alone in the intimate sense. He thinks as long as he keeps everything else the same, that should be acceptable to me. I don't even know if he's still has a relationship with the other woman because he's been here every night for the past year and a half. BTW he didn't come home last night - I don't know whether its because he's still pouting or because he knows I can't stand these kind of nasty arguments. He has a bed at our business in case he wants to stay there when he works late. All along I have given him complete reassurance that I would be civil if we split and would never use the kids as pawns.

He can be a nice person and is a good father the majority of the time. The trouble is, he can turn against even a loved one like his own family and be alienated for years. He can be someones best friend ever and bend over backwards but if the friendship sours, then he can be nasty. He's a very complicated person.

I think I know the type. As I said in my last post, I have some experience with this kind of behavior. I'm glad for you that you seem to have reached a certain level of acceptance that this may not be fixable. Well, you come right out and say that it is not. There are people who can be so okay (when they are okay) and then - wow - they can turn like a snake on somebody. Probably not someone you want to grow old with. It gets worse as time goes by. He'll have more things to be mad about when he is no longer young.

You've cut him a tremendous amount of slack . . . far more that he deserved. You are probably a very tolerant person. He may have picked you for a spouse partly because he thought you would put up with a lot. Maybe, you give him more credit than he deserves. "He can be a nice person and a good father the majority of the time." -- Why do I have trouble believing that? Oh, it's because I just don't understand because he is so complicated. I don't know, Lynn P., somehow I think being selfish and wanting to"have one's cake and eat it too" isn't all that complicated. Don't make any moves that you're not ready to make. I'm not suggesting you do anything . . . except, maybe . . . think about having higher standards for what you think you are entitled to. You set that bar awfully low for him, while he sets it so high for you.

I agree you're absolutely right Rose. He uses the finances and has threatened not to be supportive if I insist on splitting. We also declared personal bankruptcy(2 yrs ago), so there's no equity in our house and we wouldn't be able to buy a smaller one or get a mortgage at the present time. This is why I feel stuck, but I have managed to cope well despite all that's happened. If there were assets in the marriage then I could get a lawyer and it would all be divided but that's not the case. I appreciate your thoughts and agree with everything you've said - thank you.

Yes, Lynn, you certainly are in a pickle. I know you did it because he is the father of your children and you want to have some normalcy for them, but he hardly deserves a birthday wish, let alone a cake. I am not surprised in the least that a psychiatrist thought him to be narcissistic if not full blown NPD. These people truly are living, breathing caricatures and contradictions. It makes me laugh some of the things these people do without batting an eye and they still feel so entitled to proper treatment. It would make a good movie... a comedy or tragedy or maybe a comedic tragedy. Maybe a screenplay would work with an "A Christmas Carol" type plot. What a miracle it would be if a narcissist could be made to comprehend his folly. Sadly, when we are emotionally neck deep in it, it only brings tears. I am glad to hear you are beyond that with this man but sad that you are still stuck.

Thank you StrongerMan for your posts. I appreciate everyones responses - it brings some relief being able to vent. The mistake I made when I was younger is, not finishing my university education - he assured me he would be there for me and I believed it. There were also red flags when we were dating but I didn't see them - I was shy and naive. Rose is right, in that he probably picked me for that reason - easily pliable. My message to young women now, is make sure you can be self sufficient so you can take care of yourself and pay attention to the red flags.

The way I've kept myself mentally strong is similar(smaller scale of course) to the way a prisoner of war survives. He/she develops an inner strength and determination that, nothing will weaken them. I take care of myself with eating healthy and exercising so I can live long and be there for my girls. I won't let him or anyone ruin me.

I don't know if this is really a viable option or if anything would come of it, but have though of contacting some free legal aid about your situation? I know when I lived in DC, they had free legal aid offices in the court houses, where you could go and they could offer you some advice. You could also try checking law schools to see if they have any clinics where law students get to practice (before they go.. into.. practice...) (my mom runs one that's for non profits).

Lynn, I have to be honest, I am so, so grateful for your inner strength. Not only do you provide amazing love and support for your daughters, but you bring so much to PC. I value every post you make, every question you answer in Q&A, simply everything you do for us.

We're trying to be here for you, just as much as you're here for everyone.

Thank you for your kind words and advice RomanSunburn - yes I could seek legal advice but since we're not in a good state financially, if we split it would plunge us deeper financially. ATM I live in a nice house and I know he would want to sell it if I make him move out, because he's struggling to pay the mortgage. He's not about to continue paying the mortgage if he moves out. This means we would end up in an apartment - big change to go from owning to renting. There aren't any assets to be divided sadly ATM

The one positive thing is, his room is one the other side of the house. He works late so I don't have to spend hardly any time with him. He clearly knows I don't want to live together anymore and I'm hoping he'll eventually want to leave...especially since I told him I would be civil. I know all you want to help me and I wish I could get out. I always say if I won the lottery I would immediately get out - I would even give him half lol. I wish I could get inside his head - it must be hard living with someone who doesn't want you there. Sometimes I feel guilty because I can get out and follow the caring advice I get here.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your remaining in the circumstances you are in, if, after careful consideration, you feel that is best, at this time, (And maybe for a good while to come.) It sounds like you have carefully considered your options. Also, it does not sound like you are placing yourself or a child in danger by remaining there. Reality must be faced. I am a firm believer that there can be circumstances that make being in "a marriage of convenience" a sensible option. You sound reasonable and sensible. Your challenge is in how to best "manage" the stresses of co-habitation, while that seems the best arrangement. And it well may be, for now.

Thanks Rose76 and everyone. I agree I have to choose the best of the 2 options for now. When this all 1st happened I was seriously considering moving to a woman's shelter - I was that upset. Then I started to think what this would do to my kids, plus that would have made him very mad and this would have jeopardized peaceful visitation with the kids. My main goal is I don't want to alienate the kids because I grew up without a father - mine died when I was 2. So my main focus is keeping the kids in the same school and neighborhood so they can feel stable. Like you said Rose - we're not in danger at all. There's probably less bickering than normal couples considering we don't talk much.

I know it would be best if kids see their parents happy, but unfortunately that's not happening but my girls do see I'm happy with them. I've always thought about them first.. if I left I might be happy being away form him, but my kids would have a hard adjustment. You're right this is a living arrangement based on convenience.

This guy sounds like a classic narcissist. They're hard to live with, and incredibly damaging for children to be around. An emotionally unavailable parent is essentially a non-parent. My father was like this...it is so hard. There are good books about NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). People with the problem will rarely be open to considering the possibility they have an issue - massive denial is one of the hallmarks of the disorder. But finding out more about it might help you deal with your husband.

I wish you luck.

As I mentioned earlier as psychiatrists report from the other side of a law suit, did say he seems narcissistic. I guess for now, I have to figure out how to out smart this kind of personality and how to not let it bother me.

I have never told my remaining siblings(brother and sister) about my husband /marriage problem. I was hesitant to tell my older brother because he has a genetic cardio myopathy heart problem and I didn't want to worry him. I finally did tell him I was having problems for the last 5 yrs but I didn't go into details. I also just told my husband( in an email) that I revealed this to my brother and now I'm wondering if this will make him super mad.

Since bullies and abusers rely on secrecy to keep up their antics I'm hoping the fact my brother now knows he's not perfect will make him think twice ...IDK though, he's very unpredictable.

WOW Rose76 I think you hit it right! The rescuer in me wants to come kick his butt for being so insensitive! I have known other men just like this and am so thankful I was able to get away! Lynn I hate to say this but don't think he will ever change, I know this by experience. If nothing else stop letting him make you sick! My Girlfriend used to tell me don't let them have your power! Which is so true because without that you will not be much good and your daughter needs you! I know I am repeating some of what was said before me but I just had to write it out in my words. Thanks

Lynn I just need to add that my ex was like that and I tried to expose him too I somehow thought that if people knew him they would understand and it didn't work it back fired on me. People will believe what they want to believe.

I like what GMA says about "don't let them have your power." Anything you confide in this man is only going to interest him on the basis of how he can use it to get the upper hand. Keep mental barriers between him and you. "Boundaries," as they say. Boundaries that might be perfectly appropiate with non-narcissistic people you have in your life are probably going to be totally inadequate with him. Keep your thoughts to yourself. He is not someone to "share" with. Be civil so that you can have some peace while living with him, but do not even imagine that he and you are going to "work things out." You are not - not anything important.

Telling your older brother about your troubled marriage might have been good for you to do - for yourself. I wouldn't bet a penny on your husband being motivated to behave better because of the email you sent him. As you have already anticipated, it will just make him mad. Whenever he becomes mad or resentful towards you, he is going to want revenge. Don't ask for trouble. Yes, let the light of day in, and don't cooperate with any strategies your husband has to isolate the family, but you are imagining that you can manipulate him, or the situation, so as to affect him. Forget it. You are an amateur up against a pro. He'll wipe the floor with your attempt to make him feel accountable. Your brother already knows your husband is not perfect. Your husband already knows that your brother doesn't think he is. Has that made him want to be nice to you?

Thanks gma45 and Rose76. The email did cause a stir because he likes to look good in my brothers eyes. He came home yesterday because he wanted to talk about the email. I haven't gone into details with my brother yet and I also don't want to upset him too much with the details. I know my husband won't improve just because my brother knows, but now he doesn't have complete secrecy. He wanted to talk without getting angry and I reluctantly agreed - all that happened was we went around in circles like rats on a wheel, talking about the past.

He thinks its fine to blame me, for him feeling the need to have another wife. I wasn't taking care of his precious needs enough. He said we could talk about a solution but we never came to one. At this point I feel exasperated but I will just go back to functioning like before with my kids. Sometimes I feel like it will come down to who will live the longest - that's sad. Strangely this drives me to take care of myself so I can live longer.

Deep inside he has a fragile part - I saw it when we were on the verge of financial disaster. I showed him compassion during that time. I know its a weird and frustrating situation.