Vasectomy... need input from women/wives

Hi,

My wife and I have struggled in our relationship in the past, but are doing better now.

She has dealt with problems with depression and anxiety for years. I have remained guarded through many of her ups and downs, resulting in us not having a truly deep connection. I turned to pornography as a physical outlet for years. When she found this out 2-3 years ago, it rocked our relationship. I have owned up to all my mistakes, and have stopped this destructive behavior completely.

Still, now, over 2 years later, we are not recovering in our physical relationship. She is still struggling with depression and anxiety problems. I have worked VERY hard to foster deep connections and to look after her and our home and family throughout.

To her, pornography means I cheated, and that I will have an affair or liason in the future if I haven't had one already. This is absolutely not the case, in any way, shape, or form.

She has changed all passwords on computers at home, and has passwords for all my work accounts and phone to check whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

Now, she is concerned about pregnancy, and has requested I get a vasectomy. I feel pretty emasculated already. She is "trying to regain her power" in many ways, and has said she sacrificed her body to have children for me and bears those scars. I understand this... She needs to feel secure, and like I am hers. She needs sacrifice in return.

What do I do? We rarely ever have sex anymore. She says this is in part due to pregnancy fears, despite us using protection. I see it more to do with depression.

She's threatened to leave me many times. This surgery may bring us closer. It may leave me with an unwanted surgery and a wife who has left me anyway.

What a tough situation. Are you in marriage counseling? If not, I think both marriage and individual counseling needs to be a priority. The bottom line is she either needs to start learning to trust again and move forward or end the relationship. But continuing to punish you gets neither of you anywhere.

I am generally of the mind that once done having children, the men should have the surgery since it's much simpler and the women have had to endure far worse through pregnancy. However, no one should be forced to endure a surgery they don't want. It's like you asking her to have plastic surgery to be more attracted to her. You have to want to do it for yourself. I'm wondering if this is just an excuse for her and if you have the surgery if she will then come up with some other reason not to be physical with you.

If things don't work out with your wife, would you want more children in the future with someone else? If not, and you are totally done having children no matter what, then I think you should do the surgery. It's a routine surgery and recovery is one or two days.

Good luck!

I agree that if YOU are done having children you should get the vasectomy. After we had three kids, we knew we were done. It took a LOT of pressure of off me when my husband did it. It was no big deal.
I have a low sex drive because of my meds. So depression and fear of pregnancy could be part of the problem.
This whole deal of everyone changing passcodes, hacking into FB, etc. would drive me nuts. There needs to be trust. Get to counseling fast.

I would not have surgery in order to appease her or prove you love her by sacrificing your body, especially since she threatens to leave you regularly. This sounds like some sort of manipulation or punishment for her dislike of your previous porn habit.

She should not have access to your work accounts. That is probably a violation of your company policy. When you say that she changed all the passwords on the home computers, does that mean you no longer have access to them?

Her behavior sounds very controlling and scary to me. The copper IUD is a non-chemical, non-permanent birth control option for women that lasts 12 years or so and can be undone at any time. Maybe she could explore that if she is afraid of pregnancy. If she did that for a year and it really did improve your sex life, you could revisit the vasectomy.

Maybe you could point out that men with vasectomies are pretty popular with single women.

I want to stay with her, but the threats and constant need for reinforcement and need for apologetic behavior makes me wonder if she will stay. Also a low point in depression has triggered a walk out in the past.

I'm sure it could happen again.

If she left, i would consider a fresh start elsewhere. Its hard to face that, but i'm exhausted by the demands on me. This woman is all i ever wanted, but i take second place to her illnesses. Ive felt ive thrown myself at her for years without much notice in return. Now i get a lot of (deserved) negative notice.

We've been in couple and individual counselling for long periods of time.

No, I have no computer acess at home. I've given up my email accounts and social media accounts.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. It's not selfish to make your own choices about your own body. Her reasons are suspect, in any case, and you have reason to doubt the longevity of this relationship, as much as you want it to work.

Ummmm, IDK I just read some of your previous posts and this has been going on for over a year now and nothing has changed? You have yet to earn her trust? I think it should be over, IMO. Life is too short and it seems like you've tried pretty darn hard already. Time now for a fresh start.

Things are better in some ways. My wife sees our marriage issues as due to reasons external to her: change in career, death in the family, ongoing problems with depression, anxiety, and some ocd symtoms. symptoms . I've been supportive through it all, and I know I have. I have fully carried the load with 3 kids, and soccer and homework and lunches for a year now while she is struggling through depression. I've continued to make time for her and i alone 3 or 4 nights a week. I dont have any social network at all . I talk to her numerous times a day to support her and encourage her. I make it a point DAILY to tell her how beautiful, special, and smart she is, and that we can mive forward. I tell her the things that are specific and unique to her. I try to share my feelings with her and my worries but she isnt often open to hearing them. I screwed up and damaged our relationship, but there was a reason why i sought a sexual outlet. That has never been addressed. She has never really been interested in sex. I'm pretty much not a sexual being thesedays. I have NO outlet at all. This surgery feels like, here, take my manhood, i wasnt using it anyway..

I've been carrying a lot. I've been putting myself out there and openly to her a lot, i've commited to counseling and to moving forward. I see changes in her, trying to take more control of the depression, trying to be around with the kids more. But i guess i'm not hopeful for a change.

I had issues with my H before we got married & those issues caused a lack of respect that carried on into the marriage.....I had stated that before I got married that I didn't want to have children & that NOTHING was going to get in the way of getting my degree (I didn't realize it then but the issues before the marriage made that demand all that much more important to me because I didn't trust him to be responsible & his attitude issues created serious problems).

Back in the 70's BC pills were about all that was available & I couldn't take them....they caused some serious problems in my body. Ended up getting pregnant while I was finishing up my degree & his first comment was....."you can just quit college for a couple of years & go back later"....totally invalidated everything I said before we got married & what I was working so hard to accomplish.......first thought was abortion....but I couldn't do that so I figured that this was MY COMPROMISE in the marriage.....I would have the baby, my parents agreed to care for her while I was getting my degree & during my career after I graduated (so that was a wonderful help).....but honestly, his comment & the attitude that came with it....really turned me off of him as I felt that it showed no respect for me or my goals in life.

Ended up having our daughter 10 months before I graduated. Had to have a c-section because I was too small to have a baby naturally & she had turned breech & because I was so small there was no way for her at her large size (8lb 2 oz) to make the necessary turn. For me it was bad enough having to go through having the baby (I had never been in a hospital before) let alone having to have a c-section which my obgyn said would be necessary if I had any more babies & back in those days, this obgyn said that more women who had their tubes tied ended up a few years later having to have a hysterectomy.....I had enough problems dealing with having to have a c-section let alone doing something to my body that would cause me to have another major surgery in the close future......obgyn was the one who said that there is nothing to the man having a vasectomy in comparison to what the woman would end up going through even though the tubes could be tied during the c-section.

Well after all that.....I didn't want him anywhere close to me & I chose not to have the tubes tied because of what the OBGYN had said......so I wouldn't have anything to do with my H unless he was the one to take the responsibility after I went through all of that to have a child that wasn't something at that point in time that I even really wanted. I had figured that I might want a baby in the future in our marriage, so I didn't want to risk that the abortion would leave me unable to have a child if & when I really wanted one.....so that was why I chose the compromise at that time.

So I figured I had done everything at that point to have one child & there was NO way I was ever going to have another one........so that was where that requirement came from....it was his turn to give in the marriage.....

Unfortunately, it didn't change the feelings that he had created inside of me because of the things that happened before the marriage or the things that he said when we ended up pregnant......but he did go ahead & have the vasectomy. It was ok.....but there was never any real closeness between us even from before the marriage......I always thought it was because of my opinion that I held toward him....& he never really did anything to change it on many of the other things that were going on in our life.....I have since after leaving him after 33 years, become aware that it wasn't just me that had a serious problem with feelings for others.....his communication issues & his lack of being able to connect with people in general.....& other serious issues that have come up after I left him has showed me that there was a reason other than myself for the problems in our marriage.

The vasectomy didn't make our relationship any better but at least I felt safe that I would NOT get pregnant ever again. I knew that if I left the marriage it would not be for someone else after the horrible experience with marriage that I had.....& he said that he wasn't interested in ever getting involved in another marriage either......so there was nothing for us to loose by his being the one to have the vasectomy.

Point I'm trying to make is basically that there needs to be some really good marriage counseling because any negative feelings that have built up are not that easy to be removed without a lot of work. We never went to counseling & the only time that we ended up doing it was after abuse became physical at times & that was when we were in the middle of a big fight in the first place. None of the counseling showed up what his real issue was either even though the things that I was having issues with were totally red flags for the symptoms....but by that point (33 years) it wouldn't have made any difference with all the anger that had built up inside of me.....I was seeing red every time I had to deal with him by the time I left.......thankfully understanding that there was a reason for his behavior has help me release my anger along with 2100 miles of distance between us & the fact that he never communicated much after I left in the first place any more than he ever did when we were together in the marriage.

There can be so many more issues that are going on in the marriage....but it's hard to let go of something like the porn & feeling cheated. My H was incapable of ever saying he was sorry for anything....I figured that he wasn't or he would have said something....but have realized now that not saying one is sorry is also part if the issue he was actually dealing with all his life.

Lots of things go into our attitudes that develop toward each other in marriage....sometimes things we don't even realize until many many years later when we have time to really LOOK BACK.

Marriage counseling is definitely the place to start....but really digging & understanding self & really listening & understanding one's partner....think it's the only way that a marriage that has had huge issues can recover. It's possible....for me it wasn't the fact of him having the vasectomy or not that made the difference in the marriage being successful....it was his lack of being able to truly connect in the marriage through communication & honest expression of feelings & emotions & the excuse that men can't do that is not true....but there are things that do cause that to be impossible & it's important if that is the case to find out that the underlying cause is.

Hope that what I wrote makes some level of sense in the general way even though it was based on my own specific personal experiences.

This is just a thought....but, as a woman, if I was worried or convinced that my husband might cheat, the LAST thing I would ask him to do is get fixed. Because to me that would be like saying "ok, go have sex with someone else now since you can't get them pregnant!" It would help reduce the chances of getting caught. (keep in mind that I may have a screwed-up way of thinking!) Or could it be possible that she's afraid you may start another family with this "other woman" that she's afraid you'll find & love them more & leave her? I have depressive episodes too & this is how my mind works, but of course, I can't speak for your wife. She may not think the way I do. Best of luck to you!

When I was married, during my third pregnancy, my husband had one. My third son, is his fourth son and he's now in his early 50's, meaning he was in his early to mid forties when he had the surgery.
It was because of many things, long talked about, mutually consenting. I was honest that I believed my having surgery would bring me serious emotional distress, why risk going there. He was done, we weren't having more children . Our primary doctor said that was a very European decision to be made.
It was a day surgery. He would recommend it, has recommended it.
To be told you must, with reasons described doesn't seem like a surgery to live with.

If I were in that situation, I would do whatever it takes to make sure that my marital problems DO NOT damage my kids the way my own parents damaged their kids. I don't care what it takes, I WOULD NOT ALLOW my kids to have to grow up in an unhappy, disturbing home like helpless little prisoners in a SCARY prison camp.
The horrible childhood I had shows me how hideously destructive unhappy parents/parenting can be and I'm still trying to get over it!
good luck saving your kids from INEVITABLE mental/emotional damage,
jim

That is where my mind went, too!

I wonder if she thinks that the vasectomy will reduce desire. I know nothing about this situation except for this post, but I worry that this surgery is being used as a punishment or controlling method in this case.

I have changed my mind on this as I didn't realize you had three children to be concerned about. Is she going to divorce you if you don't have the surgery? If your kids are still minors and at home, I think you need to do what it will take to keep the family unit in tack for now. I doubt you really want more kids or are thinking you will find some young chickie to start another family with right? And I don't think your "manhood" is in your jeans now is it? It really is between your ears.

Wow. Lots to consider. First, i strive to be a complete man, and to feel it is between my ears". But there is always a physical componenent. A woman may feel the same, i think. This place is a sounding board for the deepest thoughts/feelings that are hard to voice elsewhere.

I love being a dad and a husband. It's what i want. I love my time with my kids, and my time with my wife WHEN SHE IS PRESENT. Her focus has always remained on points of anxiety or depression, even before the porn issues. She cant often "let go" of them and be happy and relaxed and see the good things in our lives. When she does i see the potential of what she and i and our family can be. She's a smart woman, with a good heart and tbe only woman. I've ever felt romantic love for.

She wallows in these points of depression... There are physical symptoms that manifest with this as you all know. As for our physical relationship, there has always been a focus on it later... After this project, after we move, after this course, after she changes jobs (hated every job, ever), after she's back to work because being home is too stressful, after these headaches, cramps , stomach problems, feelings of fatigue go away, after the kids are older and are sleeping better...

I do a LOT at home, plus work fulltime. I dont contribute, i am at worst a full partner, most times the primary household manager, and i care for her during her frequent low points and illnesses. I was wrong to turn to porn. It was damaging to her and is TRULY a form of infidelity. I did it because it was just easier than trying to get my wife to have sex with me. It was just there... there was no waiting until "after". And "after" could be a long time. We went for months at a time with no sexual intimacy at all. Porn was an easy outlet, and i didnt see it as cheating... i was so wrong and hurt my wife and marriage so much.

Yes, she still wants to punish me. I want a vasectomy to look after her pregnancy worries. It isnt for me. I think men should do this because it is an easier permanent fix. But a big part of me is tired of looking after her, when it doesnt feel like anyone is looking after me.

Well, it is 6 weeks later. I have postponed the surgery, with mixed feelings. I feel I have made a choice that protects myself at the expense of looking after what is best for she and I as a unit.

The thing is, I don't think she is going to remain my spouse, no matter what I do. When she is in a low point of depression, or experiencing extreme anxiety about something, she immediately moves right back (emotionally) to where we were in our marriage during our lowest points. It is hard not to become self-protecting in the face of that. But, by being self protective, I keep a barrier up that keeps us from becoming the strong, well connected couple I want us to become. I'm trying to remain open, with barriers down.

She told me outright last month that everything I have done to support her in her work, in her illnesses, in her depression, in looking after our family completely on my own for long stretches, for working with her through her anxiety and depression, that none of it matters because she doesn't trust me and doesn't believe I am committed to her.

She told me, I know you will always be there, you will always support us, you will always work for us, you will always support me during my difficult times, you'll always step up and look after the kids no matter what, I know that you'll always come back after a fight to make things better, and that I can call on you anytime I am sick, but I'll never trust that you are only mine.

I was a porn user. Nothing else matters.

****** it. It gets hard to be hopeful for the future in the face of this. And in the meantime, since she is remaining so guarded, I am not getting much out of this relationship.

I can't explain how tired I am.

RDM

What keeps you in this relationship?

Commitment. A belief that vows matter. Seeing how good things can be if she is in the right mindset and has her health issues under control. Hope, but that is fading. Compassion to not let her go through this alone. I dont want to split up custody of the kids, because I dont ever want them in our home with only mom during a low period or when she is sick physically and needs help. A sense of attonement and justice because I wronged her, but Im getting tired of hating myself. And finances.

That's a lot. Very hard choices. Staying there to protect your kids is important.

Do you think she would be more stable if you weren't there or less? I've known people who seemed helpless in a marriage suddenly surprise everyone when they were on their own and had no choice but to sink or swim.

I wish there was some way that she would be willing to meet you half way. If the only wrong was porn and you have stopped doing it, it's certainly time to stop hating yourself.

Does she realize that if she doesn't forgive you and get over this, she could wind up ruining this marriage? That she is wronging you with her inability to deal with her feelings and ultimately choose to forgive you or kick you out? It's not realistic that you should pay for the rest of your life for this.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a very difficult situation with no easy solutions.

Even partners in an intimate relationship should have personal space and some boundaries between each other. It sounds like your wife doesn't believe you should have any. You have twisted yourself in knots trying to appease her, and it's never enough. My guess is that you are never going to placate her by trying to be submissive to her demands. Through that strategy out the window.

You have a lot of insight. You identify her depression as the main barrier to closeness, rather than fear of pregnancy. I'ld bet on you being right. Being submissive to her is absolutely not going to make her feel more secure. Just the opposite. You need to develop a sense of appropriate boundaries and assert them.

A brief course of focused couple's counseling might help you two set some appropriate goals.

I'm not married so take this with a grain of salt BUT...You seem to very accommodating to her. Is there, by any chance, people close to you all who also notice this going on? You didn't state your religious views but assuming you are, do you have a spiritual advisor that you can trust with this? I'm a Christian so I can't speak for other religions but many pastors do marital counseling. That may be a good idea if one or both of you have religious convictions.

No offense to anyone.

She's manipulating the shyte out of you....

Is she being treated for depression and if so how is that going?

How well does she care for and interact with your kids?

Meeting her many unreasonable demands has not made her trust you, and in my opinion having a vasectomy won't bring her to trust you either.

What does your counselor say about the situation?

She doesnt do much with the kids at all. She used to do more, looking to years ago. Ive had a lot of worry about leaving her with the kids in recent years because she would often be in bed for hours during the day. There have been no family events, zoo trips, kids games, beachdays that she has taken part in for over a yr. In the past yr she has made a meal 3 times. Ive made meals every day and for all occasions. She hasnt had akid to a dr appt in well over a year. Ive attended all.

Family notice. Friends have asked why we are paying for child care when she is home. My boss has asked why i have to take a sick day when the kids are sick. Several people now have said i live like a single parent. Many have asked why there are so many stories of "me and the kids". Wheres mama?

My counselor has said i am at high risk for depression or physical collapse. She has said i need to start doing something to slow down and to find a way to relax. She has said i need to create boundaries and live a little. She has said my wife cant be appeased. My wife does not follow much of the dr's advice other than to take her pills.

Maybe i am being manipulated. She has told me repeatedly she wants to stomp me some for what ive done. She has threatened an affair or a one night stand. I see this as life with someone with depression and anxiety and chronic physical illness.

I'm amazed at your being able to quit the pornography addiction all on your own.

I don't know your age, but are you sure you want to take care of children ever again in your life?

I recommend that you enter couples counseling. Not for a brief session of it either, but the long haul--- you both appear to have issues (well, don't we all?) and you will have issues whether you are married to each other or another in the future. See if you can come together after all.

Are you people of faith at all? It might be good to seek counseling with the leader of your faith--or make it a time to strengthen that faith. Often when we take our eyes off ourselves and our own problems and look to God the new perspective gives us a good path to follow.