Marriage separation after deployment

I agree with eskielover in that neither one of you have developed good communication skills in the relationship area. I see you trying to learn too, but, you have a partner that only sees the way things were where she was unhappy and then she caught you interacting with another woman in an online relationship. All she saw and still looks at is what "you" do wrong and she isn't willing to recognize her own failures. She did also fail in your relationship, and this could be part of why this other relationship fell apart too for her.

This happens a lot in relationships which is why this forum is so busy. So, it isn't just you that is struggling and feeling like you are not getting anywhere.

I think your wife's ego suffered some serious blows and she is taking it all out on you. You have some fault in this problem, but she has faults too.

I think eskie is touching on some important aspects in that your wife is at a point where she wants to develop her own identity other than just being a wife and a mother. I think she is probably fearful about "what if I fail somehow" with this too.

I also think she is keeping you on the line because she really doesn't know if she will pass her courses in nursing and get to that point where she actually becomes a nurse and gets work and has something of her own. She is probably angry about feeling so vulnerable like this and she is venting that towards you too. When women feel vulnerable they can get very mean. Although, that is something men also do too, it's a very human trait.

It could very well be true in that she is sending you these mixed messages because she is dependent on you and she is not going to cut herself off from whatever "is" sustaining her. Sometimes anger comes out which is more about guilt and shame and resentment and a person feels too vulnerable to be honest about how they REALLY feel. Sometimes in a situation that you are describing the woman will push the children and their care at the husband to show him how taking care of the children is a full time job too. After all, what did she actually do? She invested her time in caring for the children and you, that was demanding and often becomes "just" expected and not really recognized as having a value.

The sad part in this situation is the children really don't understand it, they tend to absorb it in a way that "they" are a burden and they often get dragged into telling a parent what they are seeing, like your children have been reporting to you about what they see taking place with this other man. Your children simply do not have the capacity to understand "why" this is happening either, all they want is their mom and dad to FIX it so they can focus on being the children and feel safe. Children don't understand why mom is being so mean to daddy, or why their parents can't be nicer to each other. Most children just think adults are supposed to have all the answers, they don't see that adults simply don't have all the answers.

Personally, I think it was wrong of your wife to have this man around in a way the children were included. IMHO, that is telling me she can be selfish.

I stated in my posts what I thought he should be doing differently. He should be proposing EXACTLY how he is planning on making her schooling work in the marriage instead of just giving general lip service to his support of her. He needs to propose sitting down together & hashing out the real issues that exist in the marriage relating to her need for having a career & how he will support her in achieving that. Reading here, he has NEVER HONESTLY addressed the REAL NEEDS of hers, it's all about hrelieving situation, sex & his love language & giving flowers & a card to try to gloss over what is really needed. Flowers & card don't come close to touching the REAL issues that exist between them & no, many women don't even want flowers & a card when there are REALLY DEEP ISSUES that exist in a marriage....they want the issue address & to know that the guy really gets it, not flowers.

If the marriage is ever to be resolved, thise are the INITIAL issues that need to be resolved....if she feels truly supported then the other things will be much easier to deal with. When the support we need is missing everything else will end up missing too & only anger will fill the marriage, not love.

EVERYTHING said about the wife is NOTHING BUT ASSUMPTION on all sides because NONE of us know anything more about her than dad has been willing to say & either side is just as possible as the other.

At what point is this no longer about placating a bitter woman who refuses to work on her own issues and becomes helping the veteran get his own life in order and worry about his emotional health? Why has this become a way for Mr. Dad to learn how to become a better doormat for his wife? How is this healthy?

Thank you sOoooo much for articulating what I have been struggling to find the words for

This thread is after all started by Dad,who is the PC member seeking support, instead he's received a tongue lashing, as if his "wife" doesn't provide enough of those...

I am actually appalled by some of the posts I've read here.

I agree. He came here for support, she didn't. He's willing to put in the effort, she isn't. Why has this thread become all about pleasing this unpleasable woman? Dad I'm going to try to be as kind as I can be with this. Why is your self worth so low that you are allowing your wife to treat you like an ATM and then play with your emotions giving you just enough slack to keep coming back? You are worth more than that and deserve more than that. I do believe you said you are in therapy and if you are would you consider discussing why you have such little self worth?

Apo, I called this right back at the beginning of this,thread.

I know this situation inside out and back to front, I have been through it more times than I care to mention.
Your absolutely right.

Dad luv. Even the ever patient members of this forum are starting to understand the root of your wife's frustrations.

You absolutely refuse to hear. Your read the words but you will not absorb them.
Right from the get go I told you the likely progression of this situation, and so it has been.
Many have offered you very differing perspectives, I can not agree with open and her insistence that you placate this woman, she got her nose bent out of shape over a few texts.
At any point she could have walked but she has deliberately stayed involved to punish him.
Rose, I agree with much of what you have said, although your usual unbiased well thought through conclusions have become increasingly hard line and somewhat approachable. Your invested in Dads situation and that is admirable but perhaps a step back and a deep breath.I don't believe she is sociopathic, possibly borderline, definitely spiteful and from what I remember of her external family pressures, religious factors etc, it seems she hasn't had much opportunity to be herself.
Honestly I don't think she likes the fact Dad reminds her of what she used to be.

Dad, if your able to be content with her the way she is now, and she allows you in the house, your gonna have make do.
If you really don't believe your worth more than that, I don't see what more can be done to change your mind.

I spoke to you once about the expectations of a military wife. And how it's bloody hard, but as the one left at home you have to do the running.
How many care packages did she send?
How many letters?
Photos and paintings from the kids?
Naughty pics just for you?
I haven't heard you mention any of the wonderful things that made her an incredible wife.
The fact she tolerated you being away didn't mAke her a fabulous wife. It made her pretty average.

I dunno man, just wish you would see the light, tell me all about her and the incredible person she was, I want to hear all the things that are keeping this vice like grip on your heart.
Maybe then I will see more clearly where this absolute single mindedness has come from.
Describe to me the happiest time you both shared, that made you realise she was the only woman in this entire world for you.
What was the fantastical love story that got you guys together.
Help me see what your seeing. Help me understand what it is your trying to save.

Erebos, you certainly don't have to agree with me or any of the other posters. None of the posters know this woman nor do I. I am simply offering a different perspective or a "POSSIBLE", and suggested some things he could think about and try.

He was not ready to just throw the marriage away and I am not going to decide that for him, this is "his" choice.

She sent me one package in the 9 months I was gone. No dirty pics or anything. She stop calling me or anything the 3 rd month I was gone. At that point she was to "Busy" with her friends

DadFMF,

Just caught up with the twists & turns that you have had to endure!

Be careful. Whatever the reasons for your wife's behaviour - "genuine" or not, or she can't 'help herself', or is confused, she's hurt ... whatever ''valid reasons" - she is consistently in flux. The two of you swing on that pendulum, with her setting it off by whatever she chooses to do, say or react to you, on that day. And if she was hurt, acting this way to solve the problem does not validate, especially indefinitely. You did try, so how long?

When someone WANTS something, it's really clear. No guesswork. No 'flux'. The weather changes less than she does ...

Illness is the exception of course & in that case, you did suggest marriage counselling. However, even that, she was not open to. Not even to TRY!

When someone is devoted to a healthy marriage (with children 2!!!), there are no requests for "friends" or "separate rooms". They may even meet you half way. She clearly wants her cake and to eat it too.

She must need you - how can she go out with these friends? She is not childless. How can she live the way she really wants to, go out with her friends with kids?

Every now and then she's on board - then off. I can't say definitely why she is acting this way of course, but she's not ready.

The crime and punishment are not making sense. It is possible that sooner or later you may have had issues with her. The text simply made it sooner than later.

Get the support you need so that you won't be confused by these conflicting messages from her. You can get worn down and who will be there for the kids? And you? what about YOU Dad? Your well being & peace of mind.

Watch her - regardless of the reasons for her behaviour, her actions are NOT really working for the you or the family/marriage.

I had hoped that things were better for you by now, but you need to take care of you. Get some support to help with the rough patches!

Until next time, take care

What did she do on previous deployments before the last one?

She wasn't in school, hanging around other men, so she was more engaged and was busy being a supportive wife and mother

So you dont consider that she is a supportive wife & mother if she is engaged with anything outside of the home?

Did you intentionally miss this part?

You seem hell bent on proving Dad wants his wife barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

I'm sorry you subjected yourself to 33 years of misery, but he is NOT your husband.

I agree Trippin. I said one on one with other men is not acceptable just like if I were to go out one on one with another female cause eventually something more than likely would happen

Yeah, you could take it that way Trippin. I can see how that could ruffle some feathers.

But the truth is there are always two sides of the story, and we only have one side of the story.

I think this woman got married the first time at a very young age, that did not work out for whatever reason and she met Dad and got married to him, and she was still young. I don't see this woman having any time figuring out who "she" is in this picture, and that does happen. She was a wife and then a mother and that was her life. And then that life became that of "just basically being room mates".

Sometimes what can happen is a woman's life becomes all about giving/servicing her children and her husband and as time passes she just goes through the motions and it just becomes expected of her and she begins to lose her sense of identity. It can get like clockwork, get up, make the lunches, get the little one's off to school, clean the house, woops he is home and he wants his meal cooked and then he is going to do his part where what he knows as "physical" where he thinks everything is great when SEX happens and sometimes I don't feel like it and often he is selfish that way, but let's not get into that, I am tired, it's been a long day. The days pass, the weeks pass and so do the years and then in this case, he is gone for a while, and I have to deal with that too.

Then one day I catch him texting this other woman, I read what he says to her and I think about how he never talks to me that way, no, for a while now it's more like we just exist like room mates. The more I think about what I read, the angrier I get.

This feeling and anger comes out with, "I gave YOU ten years of my life". Often the anger and resentment comes from "here I am being a devoted wife and cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, taking care of his needs including the sex that's gotten like everything else, predictable and boring and yet here I see him being "nice" to a woman who did NONE of that and for SO MANY YEARS.

I can hear in the statement made, "This other man came over and cooked for us, did I F him?, ha that's just SEX". Now, why would someone say something that way? Why would she want to emphasize how little value the SEX had? Hmm, could it be that was something that NEVER had all that much value to her? Maybe that's something that was considered a "plus" when it really wasn't? Was that just something that was on her "to do list" in being a devoted dutiful wife?

So, you were deployed before and she was dutiful, after all, that was what she committed to. But, just because one commits to that doesn't mean it isn't lonely and that one can end up losing a husband that way, then what? And women don't realize how lonely that can get either. Maybe one doesn't think about that so much when busy with two little ones. And the years tick by and it's lonely when he is gone, and lonely when he is home too, basically strangers, room mates and up every morning doing the same ole routine. Until I see something that tells me something IMPORTANT and it hits me like a ton of bricks, he is sweet talking to some woman behind my back. And he NEVER shows that kind of interest in me.

That alone can be worse then "sex" cheating. That alone can injure one's self esteem to the point where it feels like a MAJOR injury. Plus a realization that not only might he be gone via deployment, but also another woman. So, she gets a "I am sorry" and then he is gone for 9 months leaving her alone to "stew" on how deeply hurt her ego really is. That is a long time to be alone and stew in "anger". Anger is a funny emotion in that anger creates a desire to "act" and often one can "act on anger" in unhealthy ways and there if fear and hurt in the mix too. A realization of "self worth" and what one has were they can self sustain and have a sense of personal value.

So she spends time with friends and gets "validated" and they probably told her to NOW make it a point to do things for herself for a change. It sounds to me like she decided to see about going to nursing school instead of sending packages and sitting in devotion that has been blown apart. She probably thinks, "well, if I had not caught him, he would STILL be doing it too". I am also pretty sure that her friends encouraged her to think this way too. And gradually, she feels so hurt and angry and violated that she wants "you" to hurt the way she is hurting, hence she doesn't send you more than one package.

Then she ends up meeting this other man and he probably tells her how special she is, how attractive she is, and he listens to her and talks to her in a way she had NOT been talked to in Years, maybe never. Well, when someone's ego is hurting badly, having someone present some positives and self esteem builders can be something VERY desirable. I guess so much so that she did not care that he was married.

I have a feeling those nine months you were gone she was getting attention and slowly realizing what was missing in her life. Maybe this guy did come over and offered to make dinner, maybe that's something you never did and something that she always did.
It's possible she didn't even have sex with this other guy, and yet he talked to her and listened to her and cooked for her and she started to say to herself, "gee this is nice when a man does this for me".

When others talk about how she must be planning on using you until she can be on her own? Truth is that's what a lot of people do, they use whatever sustains them until they can be self sufficient. And she has enrolled in nursing school, and just because she has done that doesn't mean she is going to finish and get her nursing degree. As I mentioned, it can be hard to get into learning and studying and nursing gets harder and harder and sometimes all the person gets to is learning how to be a nurses assistant. Also, even if she managed to get that degree, it's not a 9 to 5 kinda job.

So, for nine months she has been interacting with others, trying to learn and manage her children and that can pass by rather quickly being so busy like that. To you, that may be a long time, to her, it probably was not long enough and here you are asking her to return to who she was before all this blew up in her face.

Well, maybe nursing school is hard and is stressing her, and maybe this other guy was more supportive and cooked while she studied. Maybe he even helped her study and maybe he saw the value in it and was very supportive when she got frustrated with it thinking "ugh, this is hard don't know if I can do this". Then you come home with your card and flowers and you want "answers" and she doesn't have answers, but only that when you come around you ask questions and demand answers she has no answers for.

And maybe with you around this other guy got cold feet and this other guy has learned some things too and decided to stay in "his" marriage where his wife is self sufficient and makes a good buck and not to feel so bad when she goes away on business. After all, he may have realized how he should appreciate that his wife is self assured and self sufficient while spending time with your wife who is very insecure right now. Perhaps he dumped your wife and that made her even more confused. There you were on the bed and she was distant hurting, yet did not want you to comfort her either and you felt that. Probably at that point she was even more confused and no where near being able to give you an answer to the question you keep asking.

So far when she tried to invite you in, it turns into arguments. Your focus has been on this other guy and how wrong that was, and her focus has been how angry she is for all her insecure feelings from that very first moment she read the texts where you were sweet talking some other woman that clearly hit her in a profound way. Perhaps she already struggled with low self esteem and was not happy, but that was a huge wake up call for her in a lot of ways you don't even see. And you did not see it because for a long time you were "just room mates".

When you came with this problem, truth is you will get a lot of different opinions, which you have and these opinions are often based on what different posters know via their own life experiences and observations. However, at best it's just speculation because the one thing that's missing is "your wife's version and feelings from her side of this challenge". That being said, you have admitted that you are not good with the language and that you communicate in "physical ways". What does that mean? With a lot of men, they think that is "sex" when that is simply not enough. I think that was what your wife meant when she said, "he came and made dinner for us and did I F him, huh, that's just "sex". She should not have said that like that, she spoke that in an angry resentful way toward you. I think what she was saying is "you are just physical, that's all you think about, I need more than that". But, she is failing to communicate that to you and instead is tossing out anger which only pushes you away. That texting that I am pretty sure she read was NOT physical, she saw something else in it that made it even more hurtful to her.

It's the communication that's missing in your marriage, not the physical. She is constantly distancing from you in the physical sense and is waiting for the communication and that part is you telling her what you won't accept and it's ok to do this or that and I will not allow this or that. Oh, and make up your mind if you want a divorce or not. I think this other man showed her how nice it is when "communication" does take place. I think that's what he brought into her life and filled the room with that was missing before in her life that she did not realize was missing until it was present. And I think she doesn't want to "go back" to how she lived where that was missing in her life and she doesn't know how to explain that to you. So, when you get together, things end up in an argument.

Lots of effort you've put into that very long post, sorry I didn't read it because scanning thru it I realize you're just regurgitating your previous posts.

Thing is this, you're missing the point you actually made yourself in your first paragraph...

WE ONLY HAVE ONE SIDE TO THIS STORY...

Guess which side that is.

THE SIDE THAT MATTERS!!!

Dad's side, because he is the one seeking help here.

She is not, in fact, she DOESN'T WANT HELP.

So how about we try and help the PC member instead of vilifying him and justifying this woman's actions.

I don't see how accusing him of being a caveman and teaching him how to be used is supposed to be supportive.

I'm impressed that Dad has not lashed out or reported some posts,and commend his patience with our community.

Trippin, in all respect, I "am" thinking of him and in so doing explaining to him what he could very well be dealing with in his challenge.

I am not telling him he is a cave man either. And I have been encouraging him to share the things she "does" say to him. She is not very good at communicating her needs to him, and she tends to do so with angry statements. So, I have been trying to help him think about what may be going on in her head, because his wife is doing a terrible job at that.

And "if" he ends up deciding to end this marriage, at least he will have some ideas about what was missing and how "he" may develop ways to prevent this situation from happening again. People go through their entire lives not understanding "what" went wrong in their relationship and one of the most common reasons is "lack of communication".

Most young men ask "what do I say to her, how do I do this" and often they fumble their way along when it comes to knowing how to relate to women. And often men get hung up on the physical because they tend to be more physical in nature. And a lot of times men talk "at" women instead of talking "to" them. It's not all that unusual for a man to not be able to pick up on hidden messages, which is what his wife is sending him either.

His wife is expecting him to do something with her he doesn't know how to do, BUT, I am willing to bet my last dollar that she saw him doing it with someone else and THAT is what set her off. It would not even surprise me if she doesn't even realize herself that's why she is so pissed at him. I would love to see that texting he engaged in, that would tell me volumes tbh. He was "communicating" with someone else instead of his wife and you know what, that can actually be more offensive then sex.

Everyone keeps saying the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Well, whatever she read really enraged her to the point where she IS punishing him for something he did not give her. It's as if she is saying "10 years of my life and you never did that with me".

Let's face the fact here, they were bored with the marriage, were nothing but room mates and for HOW LONG?

I have never said she doesn't have "fault" in this blow up. I don't think SHE knows how to communicate either. He never posts her sitting with him and "calmly" explaining to him what she felt was missing for her in their marriage. All I see her doing is communicating it in anger. Or, little comments like, "You did not have to leave". And then he doesn't know what to say and her reply is, "whatever". She is waiting for him to do something he doesn't know how to do. He clearly needs "help" but she is expecting him to just "know". Then she throws out comments that explain what she wants but the way she does that drives him away.

The input he is getting is how this is part of her master plan, but, I don't think that's entirely true. I think it's more of "you can't give it to me, sigh, and they part ways" both discouraged.

You know how I know this game so well? Because I watched my parents do it with each other. I tried to show my mother how to get my father to talk to her, she could not seem to get it. They would literally sit at the table and eat without talking UNLESS something needed to be discussed about the children. My mother would get jealous when my father talked to other women, "well, he never talks to me like that".

I don't think Dad or his wife know how to communicate with each other and this is not an uncommon challenge.

I read it exactly as written..."she wasnt in school, hanging around other men"....that says if she wasnt in school she wouldnt have been hanging around other men.....so from what I read, its school that is being blamed for her hanging around other men & if she hadnt gone to school that wouldnt have happened. Im just interpreting the words I read that dad is writing......

Thats not what you wrote when asked the difference between what your wife was like before & that time........your writing came across blaming her lack of attention to you on your last deployment on the fact she was in school hanging around other men (nothing to do with one on one which according to your own words has made her not engage & no longer be a supportive wife & mother. The way it reads the blame is placed on ger going to school forboth being around the men & for being unengaged with you, & an inattentive wife & mother.

So dad....what do YOU REALLY mean by what you wrote?

I never thought of it but men do also go to nursing school, a lot of male nurses now.

What I mean is she can go to school without having to get drunk around other men at 1am at my house with my children around while I'm deployed. Is that clear enough for you. Damn, am I on trial here!!!! I got caught texting someone that I never met in person. Did I mention that my wife had a password protected phone about 3 years before that even happened??? You act like she was a saint and done NO WRONG here. She decided to marry me and stay married to me. All the crap she done while I was deployed was wrong PERUOD!!!! If it where a gathering of friends it would be different, but all the one on one and this guy being around a married woman like that is desperate and pathetic. It's was BS!!! I could of given up as well but SHE DECIDED TO SEPERATE AND LEAVE OUR FAMILY. I'm the one tryin to get it back. If she didn't want it, or as you mentioned became bored to the point that we can't reconcile THEN JUST SAY IT, DIVORCE ME AND MOVE ON!!!! Is that to much to ask than to mess with my damn emotions. We are grown ups!!!! I tried communicating every way possible, offered a therapist so we could communicate effectively. Stop making me out to be this big bad ugly guy when I'm not!!

I'm pretty sure the school part isn't the part that is the problem, it's the going to school and hanging out with random guys, going to their houses, sleeping with them, etc. That's how I read it. School is not the issue, wife acting like she's single at school is the issue.

Good for you (((DadFMF)) you deserved to vent all that. I agree that her having people over and drinking while the children are in the home is wrong. I never did that myself, if I wanted to have a party with drinking I made arrangements for my daughter to be with my in laws. But, I did notice other parents did not do that and often drank and got drunk while their children were home (they were in their early 30's too). I also agree with you that her having a married man over and drinking with him was wrong too. I always agreed with you on that one.

It sounds to me as if you wife is living what most experience while in college, not at her age. Perhaps that is what she missed and has chosen to engage in recently.

Well I got some game changing news...my wife invited me over to talk. It was around 1140pm last night. She said I could spend the night in her her room as she has the bed and she said she would sleep on the couch. So during the conversation, it was starting to go bad and before it got really bad, I asked her if I could go to sleep as it was getting late. She eventually followed me in the room and actually laid down next to me. She reached her arm and body around me and cuddled with me. She ended up kissing me quite a few times and eventually we ended up having sex. Talk about a game changer

I think your wife got lonely and horny. (She seems to have no reliable source of male attention, at the moment. So, in a pinch, you'll do.) But that's probably just me being cynical. This couldn't possibly be just another one of her manipulative stunts.

If you want to build on this encounter, Dad, I suggest you let her continue being the seductress. Play hard to get - at least a little. Go down on one knee with your hat in your hand, and she's going to give you a kick in the gut.

She enjoys having power over you. When it seemed like you were starting to accept the estrangement, she lost that sense of power. So she probably thought, "Hmmm . . . what could I do next to have him wanting to kiss my behind. Oooo, I know." Oldest trick in the book. (The handbook for "Jezebels.")

I'ld feel more hopeful for you, if the bedroom encounter happened after a heart-to-heart long talk where some mutual desire for reconciliation was expressed. That's not what you report. Instead, she was giving you the business, and you got bored with her tedious b!t¢hin and wanted to go to sleep. So she put a different record on the turntable.

Game changer? Well . . . time will tell. She didn't call you over at 11:40 pm because she, suddenly, wanted to communicate. She was lonely. Hey, maybe that's a start. She's the type of person who can't handle "lonely." That's why she jumped into two ill-considered marriages. For her, anything beats being alone. Even fighting beats being alone.

But that's a card you can play. Next time she summons you, understand that it's because she's alone and doesn't want to be. (Kids don't count as companionship/interaction.) Make her have to give up something to get what she wants. Tell her you don't want to be there, if she still thinks her feelings for you have diminished. Watch how fast she turns on the sweet talk.

Hey, she's playing with your head . . . try playing with hers . . . at least a little. She'll have more respect for you . . .and you'll seem more interesting to her. She's the kind of woman who despises a man she can control.

I am going to say first off that the way your wife is handling the separation bringing a married man into the picture whether he is like a brother or not IS WRONG!!!!

I decided to back & analyze what you posted about your marriage & your relationship & where you said your wife was coming from at the beginning of your thread. These are key issues I pulled out regarding the relationship between you both:

So what I see is that your wife was going to school & having friends in school the year before your last deployment. Because you didn't like that there was a growing distance in your marriage, you decided to stupidly text another woman....to make her jealous???? To make her want to get rid of the distance in your marriage???? But why was the distance growing in the first place? Let's see, you said you have issues with jealousy & possessiveness & she said you pushed away her friends. This was long before the current issues came up....keeping her in what she felt was a bubble.

Ok, so you were going to therapy about these issues. What have you learned from your T that has caused you to change? What have you done to show your wife that you have changed?

I get that you asked her for forgiveness....but admitting you have a problem & asking for forgiveness doesn't show her any real change. It just shows that you can ask for forgiveness....there is no behavioral change in that other than awareness that you recognize you have a problem that is causing issues with your wife.

So what does your T say about your problems & the effect they cause in a marriage?

You said up front that your wife didn't ask you out because she didn't see a change in your actions.....then you go on to say that you just pray that she will come around....just wondering if she ever saw a REAL change in your behaviors that would indicate to her that it would be different if you did get your marriage back together? Is she still waiting to see that? Do you think that just having no contact with her & no longer pushing while you are separated that it should be a guarantee to her that you have changed if you were to get back together.

Sounds to me like the texting issue was just the tip of the ice berg as to the real issues that have existed in your marriage probably from the beginning & it was the straw that broke the camels back....in other words, it was her wake up call that she didn't want to live that way any longer.

Maybe in reality you are both incompatible & neither is willing to change the things that each wants out of a marriage.

Maybe it is time to call it quits. That way you can stop hopping that she will just "snap out of it" & she can stop hopping that she will see the change she needs to see so she can be confident that in getting back together she won't just end up right back where she was. It's called irreconcilable differences.