My boyfriend can't cope with my sexual past. Circle of insecurity

So he wants to die and he is crying and he wants to dump you and thinks you are a slut, yet he didn’t forget to have sex with you. He is gross

@Christina: I am from Germany.

@tecomsin: I think he has a point. But, yes, at the same time I feel that he is overreacting. He keeps looking for mature explanations of my past in order to have something to believe that I really did change. I was looking for insights, for strategies to cope, to make it easier for him to accept. This thread is a lot of help. I am starting to realise that this can't continue.

All of my friends and family think that he is dramatising ... I don't want people to say what they think is good or easiest for me. I wanted to save this relationship and to be criticized.

He wasn't a virgin when you met, right ? Did he insist on condoms being used ? Have you interrogated him about his sexual past ? I'm not saying you should. I'm saying that he is a very immature and controlling man. Run, don't walk, away from him.

Being by yourself sounds like a great idea.

Congratulations, you just grew a lot in the self esteem department.

New rule in the thread: No more standing up for him. You don't know what he's thinking, and I'm pretty sure whatever you think he's thinking when he acts rudely and abusively towards you is not what he is thinking.

You can never control how a person thinks or acts. You can only control how you act or re-act. You can only control how you think. How you feel. Do you like feeling this way? Because I'm telling you right now, it will only get worse. He controls you through fear of abandonment and your innate complacency to let things just be the way they are, and yes, that complacency is real and it can sabotage you. You must fight against it.

"He keeps looking for mature explanations of my past in order to have something to believe that I really did change." Really? He said these exact words, "Baby, I'm looking for mature explanations of your past in order to have something to believe in that you really did change!"

No, I didn't think so. And if he did, it's still controlling. It's not dramatizing, it's controlling through manipulation, rationalization and justification. The man is a walking thought-distortion. Clearly, you see this yourself. You clearly feel that he is overreacting. Don't ignore that inner voice.

Germany isn't some place like Saudi Arabia where a woman has zero rights. You owe no one anything. Go find another guy who doesn't care about the number, only that you somehow made it through alive and were there at that moment when he came along. Someone who will make you realize what a d-bag this other guy is and will be supportive and non-judgemental. If you feel you have psychological work that needs to be done around your past, then the last thing you need is someone berating you and calling you a slut and making you feel as though you have no value.

When someone asks about your past, you say, "Yeah, I had some fun when I was younger, but I made some mistakes, learned some lessons, and they made me the better person I am today." Period. Anyone interested in you should only be interested in knowing who you are now, not who you were then.

If I were you, I would leave him right when he called me a slut.

I believe that relationship is based on trust and acceptance. It can't be one sided. If ones lose it, it won't work anymore.

If you want to save this relationship, you can tell him you will not tolerate being called a slut any more and that he needs to accept your past and move on in a healthy way. If he can control himself, then yes, the relationship can change. He also has to stop with the distrust and the lists. You won’t tolerate it. You are not a liar and he will just have to trust his partner. If he can’t do that, especially since you gave him NO REASON to distrust you, then the relationship is over.

And you won’t put up with any other abuse from him as well.

Even what he said about not going to your gf’s wedding because his name wasn’t on the invitation and chastised you for not discussing it with him is overly dramatic and abusive. Your friend said he could come. For any other person, that would have been enough.

You can try to save this relationship, but I am sure you will find that he will not change and he will just exhaust you into abusive submission due to your low self esteem.

I wish there was a double 'hug button because I would have pressed it for your post.

Leaving aside all the other stuff, focusing when he said he didn't want to live anymore - that is 100% his own mental state, not you. He seems to be projecting a lot of his negative emotions on to you and that is both unfair and unhealthy.

You do seem to be having difficulty in recognising some of the unhealthy patterns from him and seem to be self blaming a lot.. Have you considered couples therapy?

You poor creature, you sound brainwashed, sadly you are seemingly the perfect candidate for Stockholm Syndrome.

Your gut is telling you something is off, and that’s why you’ve posted this thread.

Trust your gut, there is still hope for you.

Listen to the little voice inside that pleading for you to save yourself.

Not to derail the topic, just a slight, but, maybe, important distinction is that complacency might not be "innate," unless the innateness is due to biological determinancy (including chemicals of the brain.) I would humbly counter that complacency is learned behavior (through conditioning, socialization and so on.) If it is learned behavior, that behavior is changeable and more. As you indicate, complacency is a trait that ought to be addressed and altered.

Complacency is indeed the result of conditioning and programming. It's also part of the battered-woman syndrome. You don't want to upset status quo because the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Complacency becomes apathy, apathy becomes death.

Complacency is battled solely with movement. In other words, you have to be the change you want to see, and once you step outside that comfort zone by giving ol' boy das boöt, you're going to find that there are people out there worthy of your time who don't give a flying crap about your past. That should be your bellweather for the next relationship: Do they judge you for your past? If so, move along. If not, then you're in the right place.

Hi blubbrabbel, I would suggest you ask your boyfriend to come to a counselor that you choose, and talk with you about your relationship. Having an friendly outsider, not his therapist, to listen to the two of you, and help you communicate and set boundaries, might help you move forward. It sounds like you are worried about your relationship and that it is important to you. At a counselor, any unhealthy behavior will become obvious, and whoever shows willingness to consider changing will be interesting too.

I just wanted to come back to this threat to say thank you and maybe to recollect my own thoughts. (I found much comfort in reading about other peoples experiences in this matter...) I am very thankfull for all of your thoughts and time!

One thing I came to realize is that I did not start this thread to complain. I am deeply in love and I know very well why I did choose to commit to this relationship and why I am holding on to it.
I know many things that are bothering us can be seen from different perspectives. And depending on whom each of us is talking to we will recieve very different reactions. E.g. most people who hear my boyfriends point of view will tell him to leave this liar of a girlfriend who does not seem to care about his feelings.
But the point is that we are still together although it is not easy for neither of us. We both feel insecure. We both feel neglected. And I think it is all unneccary. So I keep looking for ways to improve my behaviour.
Recently I felt very comforted and warm in our relationship. But I realize that this is mostly due to the fact that he is not discussing his negative thoughts and emotions with me.

Thank you all again!

How do you lie to him? I mean, that is new. I don't remember you saying this and I couldn't find it on the first two pages of this thread.

[edit]

You mean this?

So did you 'lie' because you didn't mention to him you got tested for STDs once?

Or did you 'lie' because you didn't 'confess' to him all the things you are ashamed about you did and you know he would judge you for?

You really think those are lies?

What about saying: "Let's not talk about the past. There are things I did that I regret and there is no point talking about it as it will only hurt us both."

For example, after having sex for the first time, would you then suddenly quiz your partner on how many sexual partners they had, exactly everything they think they remember about each of them. About if you were better just now as the best sex they had before that?

No!

Relationship don’t have to be hard and people don’t need to feel how you both feel:insecure and unhappy. But if that’s what you choose, just be prepared that it’s likely won’t last. Relationships like this eventually explode. Unless of course you’ll put with abuse much longer. But abuse always escalates. So be prepared for abuse to get worse. Good luck

Im really sad for you

It sounds like you talked about my bf.
All I can say.. He destroyed me enotionally and finally I left him.
It was hell and your story is hell too
Its insane. I though Im the one who has bf like this but no..

What can I say? Choose who do you love more? Your health, yourself, your life or him.

I didnt read replies but I was shocked that you have so similar and sick relationship.

I wish you get out of this nightmare somehow. I hope yiu have good therapist and can help you...

Hugs

Yes. This is why he feels that I lied. I didn't tell him about the amount of my partner's and I didn't tell him about the test I made when we were already together but I didn't tell him. I feel so bad about it and don't understand myself.

And what you suggest would have been a better approach!

Today a similar situation accured. When he tells me his point of view I totally get it. And I think he is right. Still there was some sense in my behavior. But all in all I feel like I am losing some sense for reality.
Today was about money... I know I am putting myself under high pressure to find a job. Since I had that burnout I was in the luxurious position to be financially supported by my parents... yes and maybe this is exactly why it took me (I would like to swear) 3 years to write a Master thesis... and he knew that my parents still offer to support me financially. But that I won't accept because I don't need it, since they gave me a lot of money after I finished my first degree. I never used it. I never asked for this. I feel like a total loser who's totally unqualified...
When he asked why I won't apply for government support I said that I won't get any because there is this bank account my grandparents had put in money for me (and frankly, because I would feel like a cheat,I don't need it)
Now it is the same thing again: To him it seems like I am telling half truths when I didn't mention the account earlier. To him it is like a big fat lie...
I am stressing out because I feel worthless and unqualified and yes I am doing a cleaning job at the moment... but it is money I earned myself.
When he lost his job and I offered to take my share of the car, he refused because it was my partner's money... and he keeps telling me what a dissolute lifestyle I had and still have... and I feel stupid no matter what I do. I can't find a qualified job, so I took any to earn something... and his family has never had much, the opposite. So to him it looks like I am playing poor...

And when he puts it that way it makes sense. I wish I had told him and suggested to invest in our projects or his company... (which is the same...) But I was so sure he would never accept it. I thought money that I earned honestly would have been easier for him to accept. And still want to move, so that he can come to my place... I'be been living at his place for over three months... paying half the rent at the end of the month... because there is not a commitment to living together. And I don't want to give up my rented room, because it would put pressure on him.
We are often using his car. I pay about every second time for petrol. I know there are far more expenses to a car. But now he is saying that I am exploiting him... using his car when I could by one of my own.

I know this should not be a problem. It is luxury. But when he confronted me with the statement: "You could do so many things and you're doing nothing ..." I know he is right... but there is the same pressure to perform and achieve that got me into the burnout. And it just makes me want to put most of the money on his account. I know he could realize great things with... and I never wanted this... as I am writing this I feel more and more foolish... and disgusted by myself.

I don't know... to him it is a vital question weather he can keep his small flat and the old car that he needs to realize his projects... I would say essentially it is about self-realization a d dreams. Financially there would be a solution...
To me it is the same. Only that my vital question is about my lack of qualification and the feeling that I won't be able to realize anything... OK I probably sound like a total prat who is way to full of herself...

I agree. I just wish we could overcome these insecurities. If both of us feel the same it would just be logical... it should be possible to overcome.

And I am not sure about abuse. Somehow I feel that we are both sensitive. And we have a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings. He is not abusive!

I just realized. He always feels responsible for my emotions. But just want to be able to talk about my fears and insecurities without it being his job. I want to feel heard and understood. I don't want him to fix everything.

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience! Actually I was looking to find people with similar experiences. But now I feel bad about it.
I hope you are doing better now!

No you do not sound like a total prat who is full of herself. You sound like someone struggling with her self esteem who is possibly in a controlling relationship. He seems to want to have a lot of say in what you do or don't do in your life. Only you can decide what you do or don't do.

You write you are losing your sense of reality, this is a big warning sign something is not right. Would you consider a short break away from him, maybe with your parents where you can reflect on things and regain your sense of reality?

Thank you so much!
The way he puts it anything I "hide" from him is pushing him out, just making decisions all by myself.
Money is a touchy topic since he grew up being poor... and grew up trying not show off that money never was an issue for me...
I know I am stressing out about not finding a job quickly... being unhappy about it...
He has always told me how he dislikes the thought of long distance relationships, because to him it looked as if there was something more important than the partner... (His only other serious relationship ended because of this issue... she was thinking about moving to study although the subject was taught in the same town)
But he encouraged me to look in other towns for jobs I might really like... suggesting that soon he will reach a point in his master thesis where will be more flexible... and that he would rather see me less but more happy.
So I would like to stress that he is trying to support me.
I just assumed he knew about my financial situation...

He really is the kind of person that wants a 100% committed relationship. Us against the world. To him it is like I am choosing unqualified work over spending time with him. I get it. But I just keep doing these mistakes... and when I start to feel like a person behaving repeatedly wrong and egoistic... that is when I feel like I am loosing my sense of reality. But actually... I think he is right. There is no need to stress like this... his family had the impression I need the money really badly, since I am cleaning. Actually, it feels like he is making me see sense... seeing that I was all along at together same time ignoring my financial situation and using it ...

So I don't know. I don't feel like leaving. I guess now he will take a turn to draw back...

And yes I feel foolish somehow. All the time I sneek in grocery... because he said he doesn't want to live on my parent's money... and I now his account is in dept.
And the first thing that comes to my mind when this conflict escalates is the urgent desire to just get rid of half of the money by just putting it on his account...
I know that is just like running away.

You aren’t married so it’s not his business whatever bank accounts you have. Please don’t put any money on his account. It’s ridiculous. Why are you living with him if you have your own place? There is no commitment so why are you living with him? The entire story with this man makes no sense. It now appears that he isn’t nasty just about your past sex history but also about e erythhbv else. He is just an abuser