[exist4543]

i am starting to feel i belong in this forum i've seen on papers from my doctors that i have Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective basically right now i feel Benzatropine has caused me alot of problems mania possibly but i have also read that in causes Psychosis only with overdose so i am here since i have been put back on it when i get upset i start obsessing about being sexually exploited by older people the more humiliating and degrading the more it has its has of comforting me thinking being treated that way i guess makes up for being upset two situations that caused the whole existence of this and the two should have never been put together it drove me away from everybody and caused me to always be out be always at a store or some other place i ended up smoking to made me feel that i was out casted but yet nobody told me that sure alot of things here and there occurred but nothing was there for me to be able to do anything but it still had its effect and just ended up going farther and farther away started to develop paranoia due to things you think someone would confront you with but they don't one day somebody said that i was going to be caught for retaliating against someone for doing something i had no clue who it was or what they were doing and i started to here voices and a noise and i felt things were being tampered with and i know they were and that continued it still does it just now i have enough to be able to combat the whole relationship and am no longer trapped with that i no longer feel false ways can force a relationship but there are things like inexperience mixed with being caught for retaliating and the exploitive crap that put together is not cool or a good place to be i do not know the way out of all this my life turned for the better when i went off the Benzatropine and a bit before that i went on abilify and have been on risperdal then went down on the risperdal and back up and have that tardive dyskinesia and that probably due to going off of it and i thought that drug made me feel better but the abilify with the risperdal did that so if there is a catch going on and a relationship or even the idea of having one from me can't be due to crap and then the exploitive crap i do not see me being viewed well or a way out i did do a test with different thoughts of at the time i was on the Benzatropine with different answers from at the time and did score from mania so thats why i ended up here

[exist4543]

i do believe my last message as far as the exploit part has not been present i guess i have to look at alot of things as an episode as far as the Benzatropine it just so happened that the time i went off of it i thought it was causing stuff but i remember my first doctor and how it was said that it has no psychological effects i think that the catch stuff actually created an episode that turned into years of a mania and even before that threat my whole life and actions were based upon i guess things that just were not supposed to be put together and alot of stuff that occurred for a good amount of my life that never amounted to anything like things that made me feel out casted like things were apart of something that nobody ever came near me with and had no clue about and i know whatever is with the caught stuff is if it exists is revenge no real confrontation and pretty much i am not really attracted to people as far as love or like whats in my head or has been with the exploitation anyone that if anything exists as far as catch or caught if i am schizoaffective have fun i sure would not with the ruling world question from that test and as far as relationships people that i was never interested in that were in me people that there was never ever a way or could ever exist or people that i have no idea why i was ever interested people and other people pretty much people did not care what i thought sure its a hard thing when you think about that the rule the world type question but with the right meds and people that do not respond to my message and thank you it sent a shock that probably really helped me i just let what i needed to go away and the rule the world turns into ruling my world myself a person reflecting back to everything that was real to me at the time once its realized that things have to be let go but anyone that says they were right ans still are is not and never ever will be and thats not talking about my doctors or family it's everything that would not reveal itself except for revenge the only thing my illness can do is a statement that wrong was done against me and nobody can admit that because of my illness just a statement that the only thing they can do is limited to themselves not me ruling the world my input was not needed just whatever if anything is exists was just wanted for themselves for revenge doesn't matter how they say it is they never cared if i had an illness or my input they only cared about what only they could do with me for their authority i was the only way that existed and thats not me ruling their world if my input whether it had been from an illness or something from me that would have lead to me being diagnosed if they feel i do not i guess i just have to somehow let this whole idea with my illness and what i feel is revenge and or relationships go away i guess its just that i feel and think so much better now that i feel i need to defend or respond to what was really stuff i need to accept nobody cared enough about i just need to keep focus on what i need to do to live my life since nobody will say wrong was done against me my place in the world is not with them i got this far and luck i got on the meds that i am on and people can't get revenge unless they admit it or whatever they feel they think or may want

[exist4543]

sorry the last message got screwed up i ended up somehow not taking my medication and apparently whatever i have been going through is nowhere near close to what if anyone went through because nobody gave a crap to really tell me anyone who plays catch with a person is really just wanting to get revenge and humiliate them anyone who did not care what i thought or if i had an illness really has no power to even use it or any actions for their benefit all they can do is just keep things from me to exist their was a time i had special plans for the world and them well just them if they exist/ed not going after things people would not care to let me fight or respond to and if they feel i need to admit to anything they do also makes you wonder why they even did anything without really doing anything your just saying that you need things whatever way

I really hope whatever you're going through gets better... I'll be honest. I have not an ounce of concentration in my body, so I really only skimmed it. But once I'm feeling better, I'll re-read it to give you a better response. : )

[exist4543]

i am doing better and realizing that alot of things that have and effect on me is alot of things that i somehow keep trying to form an attachment to which i am starting to let go of like things that ended up together in my mind but now i am finally starting to let go and detach what i thought belonged together i still feel people pull stuff with me even recently but at the time i had no clue it existed could have been a stunt i have no idea but i never even looked at anything i just remembered a few odd things but i just did not have the capacity or knowledge to think something may have been going on and i have been in isolation except for family memebers for so long that i am not really social and like say someone wants a relationship with me i just can't deal with that hell the only thing that dragged me into all this stuff i was alone and separated from everyone at that time and people in that town could have conned me either that it was just certain people with the humiliation/revenge type stuff i do not know now sure i'd be thrilled if someone really loved me but i have/and had an illness that i see now goes back years but really i feel whatever they try to present cannot be accepted and sure someone said they were going to catch me and basically i retaliated against someone for what they did that i was not aware of they have tried to use people that either looks like someone or is that i never was interested in then theres one person that i have no idea why i was interested in and someone who i kinda talked to saw that liked me and was acting in a certain way that related to my childhood and then i was told something and thought that was it and went away i was all alone nobody and people never confronted me so it's all revenge and humiliation as far as i see doesn't matter what they say thats how it is plus they did not care asking me anything they just wanted what they wanted i am feeling better now i am detaching things that do not belong together and doing it in a public manor like this helps thank you

[exist4543]

just realized that oh someone who i probably only saw one time in my life is somehow related to this crap and yet another thing related to that related to acting a way that was related to my childhood and plus i had to have been really ill at that time and went for a few years before i ended up in the hospital so the childhood reacting to one person i guess had nothing to do with the one person i saw only one time i'm glad i am single and if this stuff gets anywhere and ends i will stay single this all is just humiliation and revenge how could i ever end up with anyone even with therapy especially since either i had never even thought to be with one person another person just appeared once and then another person with the childhood reacting if people would have confronted me i either what i would have said reacting to everything would state that i was ill and the fast one crap was probably just their creation not to mention i did not even have anyway to speak for myself by myself because i was alone and trapped probably by things that were wrongfully put together and i went into more isolation considering i was always away from home so i probably will just stay single since everything that upset me or was created revolved around one person and that is someone who did not want in my life so i see it just as revenge and humiliation if you never spoke with me gone because i was never confronted and i saw you liked me and kinda spoke with you and the reacting stuff something is wrong there because nobody confronted me and other crap with the catch stuff so nothing with you and nothing with the one time person where i somehow found something that was borrowed and a car drove past so nothing with you because i never spoke with you and anybody that protected anyone there is something wrong there especially if they feel i retaliated against someone because of what they did so that means alot of people are in trouble but its all corrupt and this just makes me feel better and forgot about the one person i will not have anything to do with because i was never interested in you and now nobody any anyone who says i was they should be in trouble to and thats just because it doesn't look right so anyone having any say over me would be guilty to in a non corrupted world

[exist4543]

ii can always go on and on and then also remember things or realize things someone i saw liked me and it went all wrong and plus even with everything that happened before it went crazy and i had no choice but to go into isolation is that it was not even comprehending to me that anything could ever occur or even if people tried that i had no way of even a chance in my mind for anything to be resolved or for things to be ok and for all the people that just ended up not being around and crap like i'll never know what one person is up to or someone else says crap that involves them about someone who i was never ever interested in or even did anything to state they liked me which means it probably was a bunch of crap and things may have been pulled today and if it invovles someone that i do not know why i was interested in and maybe they disappeared anyone even having any direction of they are something or they even did things that other people reacted to me about they have problems you side with them either way if you say i do or do not have an illness or they made you feel like you were something as far as an authority figure they have problems you side with them like i'll never find out what they are up to just like i never found out what it was that i could do anything i want to someone that if they did not admit there conduct as far as what they did that would cause a parent to say that but no one ever telling me anything just like nobody did anything that caused a visit to my house so whatever catch is i know that crap goes from one state to another and back to the one state i've held on to crap from another for almost 10 years nobody gave a crap except for catch and people that falsely made them feel like an authority and have me get to here by years of something that was not even close to life some a whole town that destroys a person years even after i left that did not give a crap what the real story was they are nothing more that someone who holds on to something that if they ever let go they would have nothing do to their conduct losing something physical was not enough you better leave me alone meant nothing to them unless it was the one who must have lied either that or nothing was ever with that person or the two other people connect to that no matter what nothing matters because i was never confronted revenge and humiliation is the only thing they wanted i would have been fine at one time just being single and exiting in a not so great fashion even with the paranoia relationship but if anything gets near me nobody who even did anything related to me that kept this **** going goes away free it was known that things were not right as far as me if someone tells me i can do anything i want they are a parent not from another then it is and has been well know from that area to the place i have held on to things from almost 10 years and had no clue about anything i was just a person who tried crap with someone who i though liked me and it was the worst experience of my life that will never end and anyone who had a brain would know why instead of just pretending or having people make you feel secure or an idiot whichever if you can't look at real ages and what everyone else does something is wrong with you nobody ever did anything for you and never will i sure do not want to

[exist4543]

sorry i think between talking and horoscopes i think it all induced mania it's just that everything involves things that i had nothing to grasp on to and nobody ever confronted me except for a threat to catch me so i can no longer really talk at least online i have to keep things to myself because i fall into mania its better when i do not talk screw people who have their own intentions with my illness or me you can't get near me with anything then you will never get anything that benefits you i'm not even going to talk about anything anymore even things i see when i go somewhere start to take meaning and i am not going to fall deeper into things like i ended up for a good amount of years

[insideout]

Exist4543: I really hate to tell you , but people are gonna have a very hard time reading your posts. there is no punctuation. no organization.
It is near impossible for me personally to read any of it.
but I feel for ya.
If I was asked to take my best guess, Id say you seem manic. at least hypomanic.
just by the way you wrote.

Please get to the doctor and let them help you.
It really aches me when I see someone go through something I know I have been through, and hated afterward.

[RA1N130W]

Yes, I got halfway through your initial post and was having a very hard time understanding what you're trying to say. Unfortunately, it frustrated me so much that I couldn't continue reading. Periods, at the very least, would definitely help people comprehend more of what you're saying.

I also agree with insideout on their opinion of you seeming manic. I'm coming to that conclusion because of your rapid, unorganized, lengthy posts which could indicate your mind is racing uncontrollably.

I'm not trying to be a grammar nazi or anything, I'm only trying to offer some constructive criticism in the hopes that more people will be able to offer their input and support.

[volatile]

Originally Posted by exist4543

sorry i think between talking and horoscopes i think it all induced mania it's just that everything involves things that i had nothing to grasp on to and nobody ever confronted me except for a threat to catch me so i can no longer really talk at least online i have to keep things to myself because i fall into mania its better when i do not talk screw people who have their own intentions with my illness or me you can't get near me with anything then you will never get anything that benefits you i'm not even going to talk about anything anymore even things i see when i go somewhere start to take meaning and i am not going to fall deeper into things like i ended up for a good amount of years

you should keep talking no matter what. you shouldn't keep this energy inside of you.
it is only hard for us to reply because of how disorganized your speech is in your posts. i really have no idea what you are trying to say or what you mean

[exist4543]

thanks for your responses that you all have said its good to know that and it helps and i can let somethings that bother me go thanks to you all things can't go anywhere if people do not understand you good to know good to know sorry for the grammar i never finished school

[insideout]

exist,
I hope you are feeling better.
It sucks that you have the tardive dykenisia...
I assume thats why they prescribed the Benztropine?

hopefully you can find treatment that actually helps you, regardless if you have schizophrenia or schizoaffective.

cuz feeling like **** really sucks, no matter what the DX is.

I'm glad you weren't offended by our responses. I had no idea you didn't finish school. Regardless, it was obvious you were distressed. And I hope you're doing at least a little better since you last posted.

[exist4543]

i am doing better and i also realize that things i type change or do not belong and things that have upset me there was never enough to do anything about and if anyone feels differently then that can only exist because things were kept from me i have been ill probably half my life i now realize and because i feel certain things exist every where i have lived or will i have been made into a fool or something along those lines and anyone claiming victory or even reacting to that is in a far worse position that i ever will be

[exist4543]

7 years ago i figured out what i feel started my illness or at least triggered it, and now 7 years later i figured out the other half of that, and 10 years ago it probably would have been found by a psychologist pretty quickly,there is really no reason to go into details because i cannot type it out correctly or explain years worth of things that have happened, and 7 years ago i was also diagnosed, but as far as me ever having like a therapist i am not sure why that never was, but also before 7 years ago i was never aware of the fact that i had an illness or what started it just a reaction from it towards certain people, and from the time my illness started i fell further into isolation, it to me makes sense how it started the reasoning why and i feel now that it wasn't anything that was pulled or done on purpose, i at least now have closure on how everything started and hopefully i can keep working to resolve things with my illness and life that make things easier

[BonnieJean]

exist4543 - I'm glad you've found some sense of closure by understanding of how things started this way for you. It sounds like you worked hard on that. Isolation if a difficult thing to deal with. Please keep us posted here on how you are continuing work on resolving things with your illness.

[exist4543]

having a smoke can really turn your life upside down, ever get trapped by something your teased with, and someone trying to get you to go away in the same manor as you are teased with, and also a minor while that person was the opposite sex and with an authority figure and you thought you knew them, and having a smoke, one wrong made a big wrong, and all downhill from there,and took a long time to figure it all out maybe 15 years or more just a estimate

[exist4543]

so pretty much when i was a minor i smoked, was teased with a certain look by a family member,and also in school with people just looking back at me and then someone who i thought was someone tried to get me to go away in a similar manor who was the opposite sex with most likely an authority figure while having a smoke which is where i feel this started, so without any verbal communication my mind took it as i guess that i was not wanted or i was going to get into trouble and still was not wanted, so my illness is centered around this some form of depression, and if some things upset me thoughts of being sexually exploited by older people take over, the more humiliating and wrong for an inexperienced person (me) become comforting to me, so i guess pretty much the opposite sex fuels my depression anything that has to do with that (basically everything that upsets,happened me) makes me feel rejected and thoughts of being sexually exploited, humiliating is what i think of and are drawn to, ever since where i feel this all began things just go wrong, and like things that have been pulled with me that also have no ability to respond to or aware of or even care about drove me further into isolation, theres crap like i can do whatever i want to someones step son without telling me why, or other crap like someone was somewhere on a day i was not because usually i am always there, but i guess thats treated as a whole if it is anything, because nobody told me or confronted me, and if anyone purposely said no don't do anything towards me, no confrontations thats your problem that had an effect on me, there is no not wanting me to get into trouble, or they want to just be addressed and have whatever that never existed to me admitted, and this was all while i was a minor and if anything happened or influenced other peoples actions towards me then they are responsible, and this is not even the whole story of this illness, but right now i feel that some things were pulled with me but there is nothing that i can say verbally from me or towards me that it is anything, and if it is its someone else's problem, it was against them not me, more to come

[BonnieJean]

exist4543 - It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about the beginning of your illness. Having confusing incidents with the opposite sex like that can be troublesome. I'm sorry you had feelings of rejection and like other's could take advantage of you because you were a step son and no one came to your defense. You don't deserve any of that. You said there's more to come.
Please continue.

[exist4543]

i am not a step son, maybe my words got interpreted wrong, probably all wrong, i get depressed to the point to where being sexually exploited by older people is an acceptable form of comfort in my own mind, it comes usually every time something that upsets me either happens or maybe something i remember, but there is nothing concrete for me to really put things together, the main motivation that upsets me is the opposite sex, how my illness was triggered was over a cigarette and a girl trying to get me to go away when she was probably with an authority figure, i walked away and could not remember what happened until just before i went to the hospital, just about everything that had happened since i feel things started effected me and drove me into isolation, nobody ever told me anything to really state whatever my mind thought and even after i started to talk about it, nothing with how this illness started went anywhere, as for more to come a lot of stuff has been pulled with me, and whatever people want i am no longer feeding into, whatever had happened it was against them and they cannot say it was towards me or do not want to or really never ever can, i am tired of trying to connect myself to certain people and whatever if anything happened to them, things towards me could be revenge, all i know is whenever i try to do or talk about anything there is no happy ending, there is no love in any of this, if people even really cared i would have been diagnosed sooner than i did, and i feel that my diagnoses and all that i went through before and after that was nothing more than revenge, to say i retaliated against someone for giving head to who knows and do not know who the person was and then have people all over participating in this catch crap while hearing noises and voices thinking people know what i am thinking, and the person and their people cannot legitly confront you, they want whatever in whatever way, and they never got that and never will, and they never cared what the real story was and never will and why did i even say that why does that matter guess there never was a story right, i am not going to talk about anything anymore, if anyone wanted in my life they need to do whatever is right to do whether you never talked to me etc.., or i was never interested in you and no point to ever bring that up, but hey nothing legit will ever occur so i just blame it on the illness and solve what i can and hope it never gets triggered, the thoughts of being sexually exploited just go away and thats that

[exist4543]

apparently everything that i centralize everything that upset or affected me, was nothing more than how things were purposely done and worded, so either the way i was told that and how i interpreted things as retaliation against some person that i do not know them or knew of what they were doing, i guess it was all just some sick way of trying to create sympathy for someone in a very sick and twisted form, or the person is just be made into a punishment, which is still sick and twisted, so i broke down a major barrier that had a huge impact on my life that took my 7 or 8 years to figure out, then there is years before that in a few places, so at least today i see some idiots came up with an idea, that no matter what they do, it ain't ever going to be right, their plan was just to use one thing either or, and they do anything with it there are things that must be admitted, and it's all directed at one person they claim, what would be left if they do anything who knows, who caress, guess they don't

[exist4543]

i do believe that this will be my last post on here, a good one not a bad one, everytime i make a post i thought that and end was going to come to things that have happened in my life that has upset me, i pretty much focused on suggestive stuff instead of logical, suggestive meaning no verbal communication, logic meaning people were up to something that i had no capacity to realize what exactly went on, bits and pieces here and there, people that i had no real interest in, and a good amount of stuff in my life that i need to talk to a doctor about, stuff like someone said i was going to be caught, which now i feel if they really still say that they it should have left that to a psychologist, instead of being said i have schizophrenia, and i am not going to say where it was said affective and now i feel i may have that, but even saying schizophrenia and saying that i was going to be caught, is not good for a mind-state, damages structure, and traps a person in a world where a doctor,and anybody else becomes a person where it would feel that they would end up against me, and makes any sort of improvement a threat, actually just about anything a threat