[mrmanatee]

i was emotionally abused through neglect, shame, and an absence of love. and it broke me as a person. i feel like i am still about as strong as an infant. i can't work, and right now i can't even talk to pepople or really leave the house.

i'm scared that i'll never be able to get well. the damage was done from so young and for so long and i've had so much stress on my weak ego that i have shut down completely. i have repressed my emotions so completely because that is what my parents forced me to do.

also this neglect has effected me sexually for sure in that i can not be intimate with anyone. i want to i long for it i long for love but in reality i can't make the connection. i think my true self is buried too deep within myself.

i don't feel like a good person. i don't really feel like a person at all. i'm so cold and empty. i wish i could feel real anger at my parents. they hurt me so much.

i'm just puking this out to see if anyone can relate to it or respond to it.
i wonder if anyone has ever recovered from being this far gone. i am pretty sure my soul has been annihilated.

i need help so badly and i want to change so much but i don't know how.

[Purple Heart]

Hi

(((mrmanatee))) hugs

It was like you were describing my childhood and abuse. I too was emotionally abused and neglected. I've had years of therapy. Have you had therapy? It can help to find yourself and heal. Your not the only one out there who has gone through this, many have. Have faith.

[mrmanatee]

Thank you for the hugs (((Purple Heart))) More hugs for you.

I am in therapy for the second time. The first round of therapy I had never addressed the abuse but now I am in therapy with a woman who specializes in trauma and attachment issues so it's different. I'm only a month and a half in. It's scary because I feel like I can't change but I'm trying to stay in it for the long haul. Hopefully a supportive place like this will help.

How has therapy helped you, if it isn't too personal? How long were you in therapy?

[Open Eyes]

((((((mrmanatee)))))),

I am SO sorry that you did not and are not getting much needed love and support from your parents. Human beings are truely designed to be dependant on that in childhood, as we are primates. And if you didn't, ofcourse you would feel the way you do. At least you CAN identify that, because on the road to recovery and self repair, it is important to know the whys.

Sadly you are not alone and yes other people experience this as well and struggle too. As you can see here, Purple Heart experienced this as well. And I have been struggling myself in ways I never thought I would because of ignorance on the part of others. And unfortunately people CAN be ignorant and even very cruel sometimes.
What you are feeling is often/usually the end result sadly, after all we are designed to be nurtured and survive in groups.

So what can you do? Well, you are going to have to take it upon yourself to learn how to make up for this, understanding that you didn't have the ability to choose your parents, they are just people, people who should have never had children, people who truely didn't know how to provide for a child what every child needs to grow and thrive on their own with a sense of self worth and drive to survive. You are truely going to have to allow yourself to really understand that how you feel is "NOT YOUR FAULT" and YES, you DO deserve TO HEAL AND LEARN TO THRIVE. And it is going to take time to do this FOR YOURSELF inspite of the people who are your parents and are just plain unworthy of being anyone's parents.

Though I know you are feeling very low right now, you have to muster the energy up to reach out for help and slowly learn to find the kind of people that can help you LEARN how to make up for this and you CAN achieve this. And Purple Heart is right, it does start with a really good therapist who knows HOW to help you and others like you overcome and find ways to HEAL and THRIVE.

Please, as hard as it is, as low as you feel, step outside of that and KNOW, you CAN get the HELP YOU DESERVE to OVERCOME.

Welcome to PC, there are others who are working on this as well here, are gaining and very supportive.
So, part of your plan to recover is taking shape because you are now in a group of others that truley know and undersand are also giving themselves permission to OVERCOME.

(((((Hugs)))))

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

i have repressed my emotions so completely because that is what my parents forced me to do.

i think my true self is buried too deep within myself.

i don't feel like a good person. i don't really feel like a person at all. i'm so cold and empty.

Hi mrmanatee, welcome to PC. If you could start on your feelings and your true self I think that you will be able to get somewhere. You can't change right away. First you need to explore and discover. The change will come after that (it follows pretty easily). Do you think that you are afraid to let yourself be yourself because you fear punishment?

[mrmanatee]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi mrmanatee, welcome to PC. If you could start on your feelings and your true self I think that you will be able to get somewhere. You can't change right away. First you need to explore and discover. The change will come after that (it follows pretty easily). Do you think that you are afraid to let yourself be yourself because you fear punishment?

Hi Sannah, thanks.

I think that yes, ultimately I'm afraid for that reason, that the reactions to my emotions when I was young were to mock, criticize, get angry at, to guilt, or ignore... So I learned that I had to hold them in. But that fear is so repressed that I don't even feel it and I don't know where my emotions are. The only emotions I seem to get are fear and sadness, the feeling of being utterly alone. I want to explore all that's going on inside me but I don't know how. I seem to have no sense of my true self. I feel like I'm just nothing, just some object that used to be human. I don't know where to start or what to do...

[Dreamy01]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. There is hope. I used to be far more shut down than I am now. Having good experiences with therapists has helped me a lot and gradually over time I've allowed feelings to show. It does take a while and a lot of trust but it is possible. Do you see a t? It sounds like therapy would really help you uncover those deeply buried emotions.

[mrmanatee]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. There is hope. I used to be far more shut down than I am now. Having good experiences with therapists has helped me a lot and gradually over time I've allowed feelings to show. It does take a while and a lot of trust but it is possible. Do you see a t? It sounds like therapy would really help you uncover those deeply buried emotions.

Hi Dreamy
Yeah I've been seeing a therapist, I just started. She is trying to get at those deeply buried emotions. So hopefully soon enough.

It's good to hear that there's hope. I have to keep telling myself that.

[Purple Heart]

Hi manatee

It can take a while to heal the brain and get to the buried emotions. The mind and in partiicular emotions take a while to experiience. A few months in therapy is early days. Be determined but patient in the process.

[Dreamy01]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

Hi Dreamy
Yeah I've been seeing a therapist, I just started. She is trying to get at those deeply buried emotions. So hopefully soon enough.

It's good to hear that there's hope. I have to keep telling myself that.

I am sorry I missed your post where you said you were in therapy.

It does take time and a lot of work but I believe healing is possible. I truly do. My first t used the analogy of an onion and I think that's pretty accurate. Usually only a few layers are peeled off at first but over time you can reach the deeper issues and layers. Often it takes years. I've been in therapy for a long time with three different ts but it's only now with the level of safety I've experienced both with myself and another that I can begin to approach the very young child's feelings and needs.

Therapy can be a lifelong process because it's about working on the self and to some extent learning how to live despite our wounds. But it's not only painful. It can be wonderful too. Some of the experiences of my prior ts have been the best memories of my life. I hope that for you too.

[geez]

I am sorry to hear of your experience. I too grew up with neglect and have problems with feeling/expressing emotions. I somehow managed to get married to a non abusive man and growing up I was able to 'fake it'. Growing up I copied or mimicked the behavior of others and read books about how to have a conversation with people to make friends. I always however felt like an 'outsider'. It does get better with time and hard work.. for me it has been almost 4 years and I'm now looking for a new therapist that specializes in trauma to go to the next level.

Wishing you lots of healing.

[mrmanatee]

Wow, geez, I can't imagine being intimate enough with someone to marry them. I too looked to others behavior as a child and copied and mimicked it, their emotions. I remember looking over to my sister at my grandma's funeral to see if I was supposed to cry. It freaks me out to think of how out of it I have been my whole life. I feel like I am completely empty.

My therapist specializes in trauma and it seems like she is really good at what she does. We've only just begun but I really like the way she works. I hope you find a good therapist to help you get to the next level.
What kind of therapy were you doing for those 4 years? How did it help you?

This might seem weird but I'm really curious what it feels like to change? How do you know when it's happening? What changes do you see first?

Originally Posted by geez

I am sorry to hear of your experience. I too grew up with neglect and have problems with feeling/expressing emotions. I somehow managed to get married to a non abusive man and growing up I was able to 'fake it'. Growing up I copied or mimicked the behavior of others and read books about how to have a conversation with people to make friends. I always however felt like an 'outsider'. It does get better with time and hard work.. for me it has been almost 4 years and I'm now looking for a new therapist that specializes in trauma to go to the next level.

Wishing you lots of healing.

[geez]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

Wow, geez, I can't imagine being intimate enough with someone to marry them. I too looked to others behavior as a child and copied and mimicked it, their emotions. I remember looking over to my sister at my grandma's funeral to see if I was supposed to cry. It freaks me out to think of how out of it I have been my whole life. I feel like I am completely empty.

My therapist specializes in trauma and it seems like she is really good at what she does. We've only just begun but I really like the way she works. I hope you find a good therapist to help you get to the next level.
What kind of therapy were you doing for those 4 years? How did it help you?

This might seem weird but I'm really curious what it feels like to change? How do you know when it's happening? What changes do you see first?

mrmanatee a lot of my 'intimacy' experiences were about me acting out not really being intimate in the true sense of the word. As I got older it became more about me getting control over someone else (in my mind) and on occasion it was about love or wanting to be loved.

As for mimicking behavior it continued on in my life. I remember when I had my first born son and I was seriously like a deer in the headlights. I was a part of a mothers group and I studied/watched how other moms interacted with their babies. That is how I learned how to be nurturing towards my son/s. I loved him from the moment I saw him but I didn't know how to interact with him. I felt so strange about it at the time.

What you mentioned about a funeral I too felt that way. I new people cried at funerals but I wasn't sure if it was something I was allowed to do or if I felt comfortable enough to do it. I looked at everyone at the funeral and I didn't cry about my grandmother's passing until two years after the fact. It was like I didn't have permission.

My old T (and only individual T that I've been to so far) is a psychologist that does CBT. I seriously owe her my life. She was the only T I contacted and I was scarred to death. I contacted her because after the birth of my first born I was scarred I would harm my child the way I was harmed (CSA and otherwise). I thought being abused made me an abuser.. I of course found out that's not true.

I guess you could say I lucked out with my first T. I felt really comfortable with her right away even though it was extremely hard to talk about what I was thinking/feeling. When I contacted her I told her that I needed to talk to someone about things and was very vague in the beginning. I was so afraid even just saying some of the things I was thinking or feeling would get me in trouble (of course I was wrong ). I had some really dark moments in my therapy years with her. There were a few occasions where she scheduled a phone call to make sure I was being safe.

I felt very safe with T and felt comfort in her presence. She gave me what I never had ever in my life: a seemingly unconditional support/acceptance with safe boundaries. I loved her/love her to this day however I do find it somewhat painful to see her in public on occasion. It reminds me that she is my therapist and our relationship would never be more than a client/therapist one (I'm ok with that). I look to her like the mom or sister I never had.

My changes happened slowly. First came trusting her and putting my guard down. Then the big changes didn't happen until she started asking me what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea but new she was a runner and I thought that was pretty cool for her to have that discipline. I then thought I could perhaps try and get my body in shape. At first I didn't tell T that was my goal. I just lost weight until she noticed :-) I was seriously morbidly obese from the age of 8 - 38. Food was my drug for making myself feel better. I still struggle with food today even though I'm a normal weight today and now I run (faster than my T btw :-) ) I even started a running group in my town. I am fighting to lose the last few lbs but it's all in my head I'm sure .

I seriously believe that the emotional connection I felt with T is what helped me. It's not something that happened over night but was helpful in me being vulnerable to my feelings.

The question lies: How will things be with the new T (whomever I decide that will be)?

That I don't know but I don't foresee it being as emotional as I felt with old T. I could be wrong? I haven't found a new T yet and it has been very difficult finding one that specializes on trauma. I hope to find one soon and if not I may have to branch out and start looking at male T's. YIKES!

SORRY FOR THE BOOK :-)

[mrmanatee]

No THANK YOU for the book. I'm desperate to hear from people who have had experiences similar to mine and come out of it. I'm desperate for signs of hope.

I'm scared that I'm much worse than anyone can deal with. I'm scared that I'm truly bad inside, that there's something wrong with me that makes me incapable of feeling connected to people. I don't feel 'connected' to my therapist yet, I just can tell that she's nice and is trying to find the way to make that connections happen. I feel like the only emotions I have are the sadness and aloneness that I feel. Sometimes I get a little anger. And for most of my life I've faked happiness. Whenever I laugh I know that mostly I am pretending, and that laughter is the basis of most of my friendships. Nothing seems real and I don't know when or how or if it ever will.

I'm also really 'depersonalized/derealized' so this is literally true. It's like everything is happening on a screen in front of me, people, cats, trees, glasses all seem to be on the same flat plane. So my t doesn't even seem entirely real to me.

The closer my t gets to understanding me the more my mind defends against it. It's like I can barely hear what she is saying to me over the chaos and noise in my own head. I really do like her though and I click with her more than any other therapist I've had. I just wonder when it will feel like a real partnership. I feel like a lump. I feel like my soul has all ready died and I'm hopeless.

Like, I'm definitely not having a kid in this lifetime but I don't know that if I did I would be able to love him or her. My mother certainly didn't, and I feel like I am simply a direct result of my mother and my father -- two people who can't love.

How can I change? It seems impossible.

Sorry to vent I just want to connect with people who have been down this road or are going down this road.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for answering my questions, geez.

\

[geez]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

I'm desperate for signs of hope.

I don't feel 'connected' to my therapist yet, I just can tell that she's nice and is trying to find the way to make that connections happen.

I'm also really 'depersonalized/derealized' so this is literally true. It's like everything is happening on a screen in front of me, people, cats, trees, glasses all seem to be on the same flat plane. So my t doesn't even seem entirely real to me.

The closer my t gets to understanding me the more my mind defends against it. It's like I can barely hear what she is saying to me over the chaos and noise in my own head.

I just wonder when it will feel like a real partnership.

Like, I'm definitely not having a kid in this lifetime but I don't know that if I did I would be able to love him or her. My mother certainly didn't, and I feel like I am simply a direct result of my mother and my father -- two people who can't love.

How can I change? It seems impossible.

Sorry to vent I just want to connect with people who have been down this road or are going down this road.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for answering my questions, geez.

\

Many hugs!

The connection to T does take time. Please be patient with yourself and first and foremost bravo for getting help!

I too have had moments of disconnect with T. She would be talking to me and I would all of a sudden 'disassociate'. I could see that she is talking and here her voice but it was like I was looking at her through a distant tunnel and my mind was somewhere else - but where was the somewhere else? I don't know. It was like my mind was stuck between two different worlds of sorts.

Not wanting to let your T in is ok. It's how you survived growing up. For me it's like an auto response much like breathing. It's something you do automatically. Eventually you will not feel so guarded and tense all the time.

When it comes to having kids all I can say is that the love I feel for my boys is indescribable. While in the beginning I was clueless about how to act the feeling of love was there. I read a ton of books about the parenting and the psychology of children. I wanted to have emotionally intelligent well rounded children that know they are loved and cherished. I want my children to have a high sense of self esteem and for them to know it's ok to express their feelings. I want my kids to come to me when they need help and not be afraid of me. My husband and I went to a positive parenting classes and that gave a model to follow and it truly shaped who I am as a parent today.

Having said all that I do need to work on my past as that comes up in parenting situations with my children. Do I beat my kids the way I was beaten? No - I've never laid a hand on my children however there are moments when one is tired it can easily be done. As human beings we tend to go back to what we know and that is based on our earliest of experiences (kind of an auto response - I sometimes catch myself hearing my mothers 'voice' come out of my mouth - scary!).

Happiness is possible even though it feels like it's not. You can do this. You are doing this. It's hard for me to believe in myself many times but it is possible to be better, to do better. Have faith even though you have nothing to base that on from past history/experiences.

It's a long road and not always easy but it's worth it.

It's hard dealing with old feelings of abuse.

It's hard work to make yourself a better person to break the cycle.

You are worth it. Think of the life that awaits you at the end of this journey.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

The closer my t gets to understanding me the more my mind defends against it. It's like I can barely hear what she is saying to me over the chaos and noise in my own head. I just wonder when it will feel like a real partnership. I feel like a lump. I feel like my soul has all ready died and I'm hopeless.

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

the reactions to my emotions when I was young were to mock, criticize, get angry at, to guilt, or ignore... So I learned that I had to hold them in. But that fear is so repressed that I don't even feel it and I don't know where my emotions are.

Can you see how these 2 experiences are related?

[mrmanatee]

Yes I can.... But now what?! I feel like I can 'know' so much about why I am the way I am and how my past was damaging but I still can't 'feel' much of anything about it... And I also always have a "But" whenever anyone tries to help me :/

[Open Eyes]

mrmanatee,

This is what takes place in the beginning the "yeah but" and then the "HOW". This really takes time to work through and sometimes what it is saying is, I am lost, never learned, never allowed to feel and in some ways have to now slowly begin to learn all of that. And if you listen to geez, she worked on that for a long time and finally is becoming a feeling self aware person. So she is proof that with time you CAN learn to do the same.

You have to give this time and don't even put any kind of time limit on it either.

I have been looking for the name of a book that is about re-parenting therapy. I can't seem to find it but will try to remember to ask my therapist tomarrow because I gave the name to him. One of the members here told me about it and it really helped her alot as many of the other therapies she tried didn't help that much. Dam I wish I could find it, I will keep looking.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

So when you are in session and you start feeling a certain way with/about your therapist remember the past and how it could be affecting your reaction in the moment. Share the past with your T in that moment. Making these past/present connections are very effective for healing.

[mrmanatee]

I had therapy today and we did that a lot. I talked about some painful memories, even though the pain seems so distant and detached and talked about how i feel about them.

[geez]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

I talked about some painful memories, even though the pain seems so distant and detached and talked about how i feel about them.

In the very beginning I too felt detached. Think of it like layers of an onion.

The first layer for me equaled = talking about it without any real emotions about it. It kind of felt like a shock to me that I was even saying the words and no emotions were really attached other than shame.

Many layers later = My feelings are staring me in the face and I think WTF???? I survived that? Kind of like how I would feel if my best friend told me she had these experiences. Then for me I'm now dealing with past and present Anger, sadness etc... and it feels like it happened yesterday. It feels very real now where before it felt very distant.

Be patient with yourself mrmanatee. When the feelings are closer to the surface there was a good book I read called 'growing yourself back up'. It's an easy read and very eye opening.

[mrmanatee]

Thanks geez, openeyes, and everyone for your thoughtful responses... I'm glad to have this place to come to and I hope I will one day be able to offer some advice to others.

I have a question though, nothing feels real to me, like my T barely feels real to me, certainly I don't feel an attachment. I have trouble saying her name I don't know it's like I am scare to believe thatpeople are real... How can I develop a relationship when I'm like this? Should I tell her this? I think she probably all ready knows? What should I do all the time when I just feel like an empty nothing object? How do I get in touch with myself? I think I'm schizoid or what I've read about the 'schizoid position'. I feel so far gone. I don't know. I don'tknow what willbe a solid step forward... Sorry to keep with this I just feel so uncertain.

[d4000h]

I experienced similar troubles with my parents and when I was a child and its only been in my late twenties that the anger and resentment I had errupted when a family argument ended up in court and a lot of bitterness was thrown about. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel because after 2 years of cutting them out of my life I decided that they are humans that are not perfect and did their best with the knowledge they had. Both of their parents were either stern, abusive and neglectful so they did not know any better! It really helps to understand where THEY came from and although they STILL blame me.....I know better and am the bigger more forgiving person x

[mrmanatee]

i havent spoken to my parents in nearly a year and i don't know when i will. i first need to feel the anger i have towards them before i can forgive them. i know that it's because of what they came from. but the damage they did to me was real and i can't just rationalize it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by mrmanatee

nothing feels real to me, like my T barely feels real to me, certainly I don't feel an attachment. I have trouble saying her name I don't know it's like I am scare to believe thatpeople are real... How can I develop a relationship when I'm like this? Should I tell her this? I think she probably all ready knows?

I think that it would be really good to tell her this so that you can discuss this with her, which would be really helpful. She doesn't already know this. She can't read your mind.