[enigmatic]

I've known all my life that I was molested. But its never affected me in a sense that I've been normal. No depression, no low self esteem, no extreme sexual cravings at a young age etc. But six months ago, something happened and the memories were vivid as no other. I can remember everything from the underwear he was wearing that day. Slowly its wearing me down. I don't know where to turn or who to trust. My parents don't know. Frankly, its too humiliating for me to tell them. No one knows. At all. The feeling of isolation has deepened and being only 17 this is not how I want to live the rest of my life..

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

oh enigmatic. This must be so tough. Especially since no one knows. I can understand having a hard time telling your parents. Perhaps you can let someone else in. Do you have a school counselor, youth pastor, family friend that you trust? I know that it will be a little scary. Maybe you can start by saying something neutral like. Ive been feeling a little down lately. I know it has to do with some stuff from the past. I need some encouragement and support from someone.

Keep talking...

[tranquility]

Hi enigmatic -

Please do try to find someone to talk to. If you really don't want to talk to someone you know you can call a rape crisis center or a suicide hotline and they will talk to you and you can be anonymous - that's a start.

You are young enough and you have admitted that you don't think you have started acting out because of this, but the longer you keep it in and not deal with it the more likely you will participate in dangerous behaviours that are harmful to you.

I don't necessarily mean dangerous as in getting killed (although some people do get this deep in) - but even dangerous in that it could harm your mental health and start new habits that will take years to break.

I supressed my abuse until I was 25 and by then I did have many issues that were in my life because of it. But, you can get through it and you can recover. I have! It took alot of work, but my abuse is in it's proper perspective and when things come up now (memories) I can look at it, process it, and let it go because I know what it is.

PM me if you ever need to - there is hope!

Tranquility

[enigmatic]

I have many reasons for not wanting to speak about this with anyone. The primary one is that I don't want to be treated any differently. Not like a victim, not like I'm sloppy seconds or contaminated. All I really want is normalcy.

There is so much going on in my life at the moment. Forget this. I have senior year, I'm learning to drive, college applications, keeping up grades, a new baby brother. There is too much happening. I want to put this behind me and get on with my life. Be a normal teenager. Be able to hug someone without fearing the worst.

I know this sounds crazy. But I don't want to put anyone in the same pain. I don't live for myself. I make myself happy by making others lives easier. I really don't know anything anymore.

[DePressMe]

Eniqmatic, I too was molested. I did not start dealing with it until I was in my early 20s. At that time I had a lot going on in my life, but I had to take the time to deal with the molestation—it would not just go away on its own.

I agree with the others—talking with somebody about it is key. Posting here is a good first step—keep posting until you feel comfortable enough to talk with somebody in real life.

[tranquility]

Okay - so now I can see some of how it has affected you. You are worried about schools, grades, siblings, living for others, and worrying about someone being in pain from hearing your pain.

Boy, it reminds me alot of me when I was younger. Guess what? No matter how much you want to forget, it won't work. You may not consciously think of it but it will eat away at you and they you will jeopardize your education, your grades, and your relationships with others.

I don't want this to sound harsh, it's just that it's what I did for so many years. I always made sure everyone else was happy when I was dying inside. Believe me when I say it's not worth it! Eventually all those other people will be just fine even if you don't do everything for them, but you will be feeling more and more like a shell.

Finally, you are NOT contaminated or sloppy seconds. You were a victim of someone elses bad actions. It's true, you don't want to go broadcasting to everyone and your smart that you want to protect yourself. However, if you spoke to a professional or a close loved one, they will not see you as you describe. They will support you and tell you that it's not your fault.

If you want normalcy (whatever that may be for you) the only way to get it is to go through the blockades first. I'm sorry if it seems I'm going on about this, but it's hard for me to see others go through what I went through and think the way I thought when I know it doesn't need to be that way.

Tranquility

[enigmatic]

Despite knowing I was molested for practically all my life, I passed it off as a twisted figment of my imagination. Then six months ago, I knew it really happened. Only now have I accepted that it happened. It hit me like a train and those memories have been haunting me since then.

As of now, the waves of grief and violation are becoming commonplace. I'm still getting used to the tumult of emotions. I really do want to tell someone. I know I have to. Like you said, I can see it eating away at my life. But until I can gather some courage, I'm stagnating, trying to stay aloft on my own.

I guess you could say, I'm trying to find some peace within myself before I tell anyone else. Letting it sink it and allowing the initial shock pass so that I can do this rationally. How did you keep yourself going throughout it all?

And you aren't being harsh at all. On the contrary, it helps so much. Knowing that others have gotten through this is like a light at the end of the dark tunnel. And its cool relief to my racing mind.

[tranquility]

It was tough to get through. I blocked mine out and then all of a sudden I started remembering it all. Then once it's turned on, it's hard to regulate it so that you can still function from day to day.

I got through it with the help of counselors. I was very fortunate that the first person I was seeing for other unrelated issues knew he couldn't handle this when it came up. He tried - even went to seminars on the weekend. But eventually he had to tell me that I needed someone else. It was so hard but I went to someone who I have been with for 16 years and she is wonderful.

The advantage of seeing someone is that they get to know you and your moods and your story. So alot of times I'll think I'm doing absolutely terrible and she'll remind me of how I went through that particular situation before and came out okay.

You are in the beginning of this where it is overwhelming and very difficult to control. Talking is good, posting is good. Knowing that YOU are very normal is a good thing. Sometimes you just need to hear it alot.

I read self help books, wrote alot, and did my best to try not to overanalyze anything. Sometimes I would slip into periods where I would dwell and that would only lead to self pity - for me anyway. It's good to look at this stuff to understand what happened, how it effected you and how you can change the effect it had on you. I guess that's the most important thing - don't dwell on this stuff just to feel how terrible it was and how unfair because that won't help you. Look at it and learn how to grown from it.

I learned that I actually was a pretty strong person on the inside even though I didn't show it or know it. I went through alot and still perservered. It may not have been gracefully all the time, but I did okay. I learned who not to be involved with, how to protect myself, and that I deserve good things in my life.

I'm not happy I was molested, but I can now say I am happy for what I learned because of it.

Hugs to you -

Tranquility

[mtd]

Enigmatic,

I know your pain. I have been there. And I too have wanted a "normal" life. But as a survivor, I have to face my past, understand how it is affecting me, and work to heal from it.

There are two things I wish I had known when I began this process. I will share them here because I think they can help you. One -- I can not heal alone. I need people to help and it is o.k. to trust enough to ask for that help.

Two -- I need to put just as much energy into living for today as I put into my healing process. While it is important to heal, it is very important to the healing process to not let the past take away the present. But you can't ignore the past. It has an impact. You have to face it, with help. One important way I do this is by keeping two journals. In one, I write all about the painful stuff, the confusion, the fears, the anger. The other journal is my "Good Stuff Only" book. In that one, I write only the good stuff about today. What I believe is good about me. What I experienced, no matter how small, that made me smile, laugh, or will be a cherished memory.

You can have your life and all the wonderful stuff that comes with being a senior, the opportunities that are ahead, the excitement of exploring the world. But don't make the mistake I did. I missed so much of that because I was too afraid to face my past, deal with the pain, and accept help from others. Because I tried to hide from it, I hid from life. And the pain got so much worse, until I almost destroyed myself.

Get help to face your past and truly put it behind you. And live for today. You can do it and we are here to help.

be well,

mtd

(((((((((((enigmatic)))))))). I waited 26 years to finally seek the help I so desperately needed. You sound so much like me when you say you just want a normal life and to make others happy. You know, you can have that because I do. However, I can't begin to tell you the healing I have gained from the therapy I have been in for 2 years. Nobody else in my life knows about my childhood, not even my husband of 22 years. It has been a very difficult journey, trying to talk about things I have hidden away all these years. It is certainly not a sign of weakness to seek help, in fact it is a sign of strength....being able to reach out to help yourself before things escalate to "unbearable". Please, please, talk to somebody. Don't leave it as long as I did, it will eat away at you and show itself in other ways, like anxiety, depression etc. If not now, in the future. You're so young, and have your whole life ahead of you. I really feel for you, and understand. Hang in there.....and talk to somebody....please!

[drummergrl]

For many more years than I care to admit I stayed in a vapor of confusion, anger, torment, and FEAR after being molested. I didn't know what it meant for sure until I watched one of those movies of the week in '84 called "Kids don't Tell". It was Michael Ontkean and Jo Beth
Williams. About the affects of having been molested as a young child. That brought it all back for me. I was teary eyed most of the time and when my husband came home from being away at work, I told him while he was in the b'room shaving. He couldn't believe his ears after I said that. But then, he said alot of stupid things too. Like I never saw F do it. Of course not. He's not going to fondle your wife in front of you. Are you crazy? For many years I had to be "stone" cold DRUNK just to have sex. I couldn't do it sober. I wanted to forget. I drowned my sorrow for many many years in the bottle. I wouldn't talk about it or acknowledge that it even happened at first. I had no one to protect me, so I protected me!!! One day I told my little bro. what happened.....he told me if he had known he would have killed him. He mentioned that he caught F watching me undress one time from my bedroom door and told him if he did it again he'd tell our mother. Far as I know he didn't do it when my bro. was home.
My message to you is: don't beat yourself up for it. It does not go away simply because you want it to. If it was that simple, everybody would be doing it. It may never be the same for you. Learn acceptance and it gets easier....not better, just easier. I don't know what would make it better since I've not gotten to that plateau myself.
CRY for that little girl inside you that feels so violated and abused. The poison gets out when you do. God counts the tears of women. So I'm told???

[enigmatic]

Thank you for all the advice. Its just a matter of following it now. But you have given me reason to hope again. I don't feel as alone or trapped, now that I can see that there is a way out..

If I were to talk about it with my parents, would I need to have a therapist? Or would just talking it out with someone suffice? The notion of a therapist knowing so much about me and then guiding me, I guess, is threatening for some asinine reason.

[mtd]

I've known several people who begin working things through at first with a therapist, and then have the therapist invite a parent in to a session with the survivor to help with the disclosure. Some survivors find this feels safer.

This might be an option for you. See how you feel, a day at a time. You don't have to figure it all out at once. Just one day at a time will be fine -- heal a little, live a lot.

be well,

mtd

[enigmatic]

How does having a therapist at all help? I don't see the point..

[drummergrl]

Let's make believe that the icon to my left are your emotions. One guilt, one conscience. Right now I'm bucking the biggest odds are that you do not really know how or who to trust with this secret. Well, it's not the kind of secret you can share with the world. But you just did. And what is happening now? You have gotten some great support from people you do not even know. How's that compare to a therapist? They help you sort out your feelings and begin to separate good from bad. They are not there to judge you, or condemn you for what's happened. You need something to help you straighten your feelings out so that you CAN go on with your life.
Being only 17 though, the embarrassment is overwhelming for you. Don't let this eat you up inside. Sooner or later you will turn the anger and frustration on yourself. Take it from someone who knows!!! Tell your parents. It might not be as grim as you think? If you TRUST
them, they will know how to help and what to do. By the way,
you never mentioned WHO the culprit was???? Family?
Good luck. Think about it. We're here if you need us!!
drmr

[enigmatic]

Ahh I see. I think since it happened so long ago, the effects are rather dull. But last night I woke up crying from a vivid nightmare. Its never been like this before. But something triggered it all..

Um. I not too sure who it was. It was either a certain family friend or my uncle. I'd rather say its a family friend as my uncle is only eight years older than me, which would make him 13 at that time. Creepy.. But he asked me, a few months ago, to forgive him for hurting me when I was little. So I'm a bit confused. I do intend to find out for sure though.

I've been reading about false memories. How therapists can say it never happened. I KNOW it happened. I've known all my life. How do I convince them it did happen?

And thank you, once again. I need all the advice I can gather

[tranquility]

I think going to your parents is a very good thing. They can help guide you to a therapist as well. A therapist is someone who is not personally involved in your life, so they can be very objective and see things differently than those so close to you. That tends to lend better advice.

Do you think your parents will be helpful to you? Not sure what your relationship is with them, but if you have a good relationship they will be very upset because you've been hurt. But they won't be upset with you, they should try to help you.

Tranquility

[drummergrl]

Hi Enigmatic!
How are you this morning? Well, I can tell you from experience that I went through that too. Did it really happen? Was I only DREAMING that it did? What if I'm wrong? All those same feelings came to the top of the mountain to be RECOGNIZED!!! I knew something was wrong with me as I didn't like MEN at all. I am NOT gay!!!
I just never felt comfortable around them for very long. I couldn't understand it. Like I said, the movie of the week brought it all back. I turned away from my husband and refused to have s-e-x with him. It made me feel DIRTY.
He once told me in anger "that's your problem"!!! I was so hurt by that remark that I gave up on that TOTALLY!!! I was so tired of feeling like a wet sponge. All I ever soaked up was alot of grief. I would quit in the middle of it all and go journalling in my den. I felt guilty for a time, but then I said
NO, I have the right to refuse SERVICE to anyone!!! lol......
These things can never go away. It's very sad that if you do not have a husband that really knows the true meaning of love. Now we have a perfect thing going here. There's other issues here, but too personal to go into on postings.
Anyway, no, therapist do NOT try to tell you it didn't happen,
any more than they tell young children it did!!!! That's on the telly. They portray therapists in a bad light.
Trust in yourself that someone will be able to help you sort out your feelings. Therapy is a very private and SAFE place to do so.
Good luck.
drmr

[enigmatic]

I have an excellent relationship with my parents, thankfully. So I know I'll have their support. Sigh. Its just a matter of me telling them, now.

And to drummergrl, the whole idea of false memories is throwing me for a loop. That just plants the seeds of doubt in me that anyone would believe me. Although the events are clear, the person who did it is not. I'd hate to name the wrong person and cause even more trouble. I totally get you on the not liking men. I don't not like them, in fact I get along with more so with boys/men than females. But the moment they even think about something more, I run

Thank you everyone for all the wonderful and heartfelt advice. Its been the leg up I've been seeking.

xoxoxo

[tranquility]

I'm glad you're finding this helpful. And by all means if you are not sure who it is then you do not have to name a person just to name them. It could be that once you start therapy things will be more clear.

The whole thing with false memories is that there were/are some therapists who may suggest things as an idea of what is wrong (I don't believe they do this intentionally). Some people are so depressed and hurt that they hear this and think that those suggestions are why they are feeling so bad - that it just has to make sense. Anyone who has false memories, in my opinion, are not doing this intentionally.

If you get a good therapist who just lets you talk, then whatever comes out will be true and real. Don't worry about the false stuff. It sounds like you've never discussed this with anyone, so I can't see how these would be false memories.

Tranquility

[drummergrl]

Sometimes when things happen, trauma for example, we tend to suppress it. There is neuro-recepters in the brain that help protect us in these situations. If a child or someone suffers extreme trauma, it acts as a cushion to take the fall. We store it in our subconscious and are able to shake it off. For a little while!!!! Operative word......for a little while. Then one day something will trigger our memory load and cause us to relive that moment we had been trying for "forget", so to speak. Even to the point of WHO did what.
When you have found a therapist you feel comfortabe with and can open up, it will come to you like a bolt of lightning!!! You will be able to process all of it and finally begin to heal. But don't expect MIRACLES. It doesn't happen that quickly. This is over a long period of time. Give yourself that time. It will all come back to you. You will understand alot more about yourself when that takes place.
Be patient. Don't take the cake out of the oven before it's done........it will be too soft in the center........it will happen....
IF YOU WANT IT TO!!!

[RACEKA]

I read your post about false memories. If a therapist ever tells you that you have a false memory, never ever go back to him. They should believe everything you tell them to help you sort it out. They are not there to decide if you are telling the truth or not.

What I've read about false memories is there is no such thing. If it didn't happen then it would not be a memory. Sometimes they can be exaggerated or not exactly like it happened, but it still happened.

Take care.

[dorsey555]

Enigmatic,
I just had the courage to visit this forum and i read your post. Somehow I've come to believe that when painful things like this just come up out of nowhere, it's like the inner you is saying, "I think that we are strong enough to deal with this now. it's time to start healing." It never feels that way, but the fact that you are talking about it and not ignoring it shows that you really are strong enough now. If you've accomplished so much in your young life (congrads by the way) with this pain buried so deep, how much more does life hold for you as you begin your journey of healing.
I still have a lot of healing to do in the area of sexual abuse,but in other areas of healing I have found it possible to do serious healing work with a therapist and still do well in other areas of my life, many times even better. Someone mentioned a rape crisis center. The one in my city has free therapy available. And they really know their stuff. Get help for the little girl inside of you. If you do, you will, like many others have said, avoid so many years of running from pain.
I wish you well.
Dorsey

[enigmatic]

I want to start healing. Be able to set things right for my inner child. Be able to watch my youngest sister play and not feel my heart break from the weight of the agony. To be able to stop blaming myself. But most of all, I crave inner peace. I'm fighting myself, trying to get the incident under control. I didn't realize how much this secret takes out of me, physically. I slept for 18 hours last night and when I woke up, I was still shattered. Not the "I overslept and now have a migraine" tired, but bone weary.

I've been bouncing this idea off myself for a while now. My emotions regarding this incident aren't strong, or overwhelming. Sure, there is a tumult of emotions, making it seem like hell compared to normal. But I'm guessing since its been so long since it actually happened, the emotions have yet to fully reconnect with the memories. Any ideas on this? Or your own experiences?

It does feel like it never happened, but then there will be flashes of intense emotion, confirming that it did. But its not constant, usually a faint, barely there throb. I can't describe this sensation very well, but I hope I've gotten the gist across.

[(JD)]

((((safe hug)))) enigmatic, you say you don't want anyone to know, but we know now and we can give you support and maybe show you that we won't treat you any differently than "normal."

A T can help you take time with yourself and your fears and memories. You have been retraumatized by the vivid memories, imo. Don't push yourself to heal ... don't go too fast... a T can help you work on things in a good order and slowly enough to where you won't be continuously triggered while you heal.

First of all, believe it's real. Forget about the false memories stuff. Yes, it happens, but it doesn't seem like this is your path, ok? No, the brain doesn't recall everything perfectly but a T can help you sort through how you feel about whatever did happen. It doesn't really matter (to others) just what exactly happened, but that something terrible did, and you need to heal. You deserve to heal, and feel normal.

I think you are describing things quite well. Please don't work on this too much more, or so much at once... try to allow whatever thoughts or bad dreams just "be" and continue with your life. The mind has a way of showing you what you need... I do hope you find the strength to tell your parents you feel something happened and would like to see a psychologist to talk about it.