[selenite]

Hi all. For now, I'll introduce myself only as my screen name, Selenite. In time, maybe I'll take it a step further. I'm poking my head into this forum because I think I could have bipolar. I've never been formally diagnosed with anything - not even severe depression - because I've never sought help. I've always been strong and determined. I've always battled everything on my own and never needed help from anyone or anything. But now I'm exhausted. This is a battle I've been facing for a very long time. If I look back over my life, I recognize a lot of cycles of depression and what I can only assume is mania. If it's not mania then I don't know what it is.

I know that I need to see a doctor but I'm afraid. I'm equally afraid that he'll confirm and deny my suspicions. But I also can't see a doctor because I have no insurance and I have no money. I left my last job (in another country) because I was in such a deeply depressive state that every minute I was not working, I spent in my bedroom, unable to face other people - aside from a few manic days when I went on a major shopping spree. So I'm also not working and not working means that I don't have money.

I've tried to contact a couple of hotlines (one chat, one phone) but they didn't work very well. The chat guy made me feel worse. The phone guy made me feel like I was at the McDonald's drive-thru window.

What this really boils down to is: I need help and I have no idea how to ask for what I need when I know I can't pay for anything, and I have no way of getting there because I can't ask real-life friends for this kind of help.

Suggestions?

[EJB5565]

How do I find the calendar for chats that you lead. I looked under calendar and don't see the link of how to access. I apologize for such a simple question.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by EJB5565

How do I find the calendar for chats that you lead. I looked under calendar and don't see the link of how to access. I apologize for such a simple question.

If I understand your question correctly -- click on the

You might also want to check the Chat Announcements subforum for any changes, cancellations, etc.

[Manic Trance]

Hello. I am Sam. I have been diagnosed with ADHD all of my life but never really took it seriously until I was 26. I got it together to manage that, and did, more or less, but there has always been an aspect of my psychic experience which ADHD and the ADHD treatment did not address. That is the extreme racing thoughts, high high highs during which I begin to believe that I have border line super human powers, like the ability to shape the events of the future through my concentration, and very low lows where I am painfully down, lacking in joy over anything, and prone to suicidal thoughts and self destructive behavior like hitting myself in the face repeatedly, which for some reason I have this indescribable compulsion to do when I hit bottom. My symptoms are not as extreme as some bipolar I and II cases, perhaps I am suffering from bipolarIII, which I believe is referred to as 'soft bipolar'. Though less pronounced in that I do not have psychotic episodes, and my depressive episodes tend to last only a few days, the highs I experience can only be described as hypomania, they go on for long long periods of time, and it is totally debilitating in the sense that it is impossible for me to transition into any other life activity other than entertaining the chaotic and complex thought structures that emerge endlessly and that I feel completely unable to control. I am currently seeking treatment and diagnosis, but I am also on here hearing other people's stories and getting advice. If anyone feels similarly, or has an insight, please let me know.
All the best!
MT

[Manic Trance]

Originally Posted by selenite

Hi all. For now, I'll introduce myself only as my screen name, Selenite. In time, maybe I'll take it a step further. I'm poking my head into this forum because I think I could have bipolar. I've never been formally diagnosed with anything - not even severe depression - because I've never sought help. I've always been strong and determined. I've always battled everything on my own and never needed help from anyone or anything. But now I'm exhausted. This is a battle I've been facing for a very long time. If I look back over my life, I recognize a lot of cycles of depression and what I can only assume is mania. If it's not mania then I don't know what it is.

I know that I need to see a doctor but I'm afraid. I'm equally afraid that he'll confirm and deny my suspicions. But I also can't see a doctor because I have no insurance and I have no money. I left my last job (in another country) because I was in such a deeply depressive state that every minute I was not working, I spent in my bedroom, unable to face other people - aside from a few manic days when I went on a major shopping spree. So I'm also not working and not working means that I don't have money.

I've tried to contact a couple of hotlines (one chat, one phone) but they didn't work very well. The chat guy made me feel worse. The phone guy made me feel like I was at the McDonald's drive-thru window.

What this really boils down to is: I need help and I have no idea how to ask for what I need when I know I can't pay for anything, and I have no way of getting there because I can't ask real-life friends for this kind of help.

Suggestions?

I am in the same boat in terms of not knowing for sure that I have this, but feeling rather certain that I have some derivation of bp. I share your fear that it will be confirmed, and equally that it will be denied. If it is confirmed, then perhaps there is something to do, at least there is a community of support and a body of wisdom on the matter, which is more than I currently have. I am fortunate to have health insurance, so I do not share that aspect of your problem.

That said, I am relatively certain that there is free or sliding scale therapy available through Community Based Organizations like the Y, of all places, in most towns in the US. Are you in the US? Where are you?

I will be seeing therapists over the next few weeks to get a diagnosis. I'll let you know what happens. It would be interesting to be on this journey with someone else.

Last night I was in one of the deepest most painful depressions I have ever been in, I could only lay there in fear. I tried snapping out of it but it was no use, I had to just wait it out. This morning I was shaken up but better. I spent the morning researching bipolar, and reading these accounts at a coffee shop, alternating quickly between laughing and crying, feeling weak and shakey. Suddenly I am feeling terrific. I cleaned up the whole house, got everything set out and ready to go for tomorrow, and I'm up delving into this site which means I won't sleep much, etc...

WTF?!

Anyhow, it's good to hear your words and I wish you the best of luck.
MT

[RenjiCat]

Hi Everyone,

I'm currently surviving BiPolar I with rapid cycling, PTSD, and anxiety disorder. I was on antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, sleeping medication... 7 medications in total and saw a therapist every 2 weeks. I went off my meds and stopped seeing my therapist about 4 months ago when I was fired from my job. I'm now struggling to make it though each day. I usually don't leave the couch. I've isolated myself from everyone and usually only communicating through text messages. My family worries about me because we had two other family members diagnosed Bipolar who each committed suicide....and I have attempted suicide in the past. I can't really talk to them about how I feel.

I'm hoping to find people who truly understand what I'm going through and can encourage me so that I don't get worse. I want to get better... I want to be better!

[Floralies]

Hi. I have Bi-Polar...for about 10 years now. I keep changing my meds. I see a psychiatrist. Bi-Polar is ruing my life. This is my recent behavior.
I am female. I am married. I had an affair, a short one. Do irrational things without thinking. I would not leave my husband. We are good friends and do most things together. Besides i am too insecure to be on my own at this point. Even if I ended it, the other guy is not ready for any sort of commitment anyway. The affair has ended and we are friends. That is all he wants. I have completely fallen for him and have become an emotional basket case, almost pushing him away. He is straight forward and honest with me but I am having a hard time accepting this whole thing. Every time I talk to him or see him I start to cry and he is getting really upset with me that I risk even our friendship which I do not want to lose. He does not know I have Bi-Polar so probably wonders why I am acting so insane all the time. He basically just says I am too emotional and crazy. I have also started drinking way too much to drown all this and I need to stop that too. That doesn't go too well with my meds. I have such low self esteem so I am going to go those forums too. Thank you.

[Blackberryrocks11]

I am kinda new to this forum. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar II and is finally at peace. My previous diagnosis was SchizoAffective but I never quite fit the criteria, so in a way this diagnosis is a life saver since I now know what I am being treated for.

I am female, 42 in the Pacific West Coast, and a single mother to one very patient, understanding teenager. I am grateful that I found this forum and all of you wonderful people....

[Jasew]

Hello...

My name is Jason and I live in Pittsburgh, PA. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. I currently am in an IOP after a visit to the ER at the local Psychiatric hospital last week.

I am currently taking Lithium and Tegratol.

I'd love to be able to chat with others about things I deal with.

[eireslittleangel]

Hi All,
Over the last ten years Ive suffered depression on and off. im 32 now and when I was younger, I didnt realise I was depressed, I just thought I was especially moody. 18 months ago I went to my doctor and was put on anti depressants as I was feeling so low and couldn't take it anymore. The tablets did the job and picked me up no end and with hindsight I started to realise something hadn't been right for a long time.About 11 months later I went back to my doctor as I was so down again that leaving the house was an effort, but being at home felt like the walls were closing in on me. I was especially concerned about the mood swings I was having, and again in hindsight realised I had been having for a long time, swinging from being "life and soul of the party" to an irrational irritability and anger This type of mood in itself would last about two weeks and then I would steadily decline into depression. I was very recently diagnosed as having type two bipolar disorder. Im aware that Im lucky to have my Dr recognise so relatively quickly (my drs awesome ) but it was still a shock. Ive started to doubt myself, second guessing everything and if Im honest Im a little afraid of my emotions.When in Hypomania Ive done some things Im so ashamed of. Ive started taking Lamictal and am starting my second week. Id really love to hear from people that are / have been in similar situations.

[pastafarianza]

Hi there. I've been down a similar path. I was diagnosed with bp 2, depression and possibly OCD two months ago. I'm on the same drug as you (50mg for 3 weeks-some diarhea-now 100mg).
My life has completely changed. I will say that I am going for therapy with a councillor and I have a high EQ. I've spent my life analyzing my emotions and I'm very open and sensitive. I think this helps me to sort through my issues better.
But the drugs? Jesus, The Universe and The Flying Spaghetti Monster have fcuk all on the drugs. Changed everything.
Good luck!

[prideandprozac]

Hey, I'm Jay and I'm 21 years old. Full-time student; this is my first semester back at school since I was hospitalized in January. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and it was actually a big relief because it explained so much, but it's also been very difficult to adjust---finding the right meds, trying to just participate again, the whole stigma thing.

It's also been really hard to connect to people who don't really understand what's going on. (& I know it's not their fault at all! Good for them, really) I feel like every time I talk about it, I have to turn into this spokesperson for Bipolar Disorder and it's hard to have to balance being honest with how frustrating and scary this all is while having to educate/try not to make myself seem too "unstable" to my family and friends.

Doesn't help that my psychiatrist is this silent, scribbling figure that just observes me and doesn't really engage.

Um, I'm not sure what else to say except that I hope this will be a good outlet because I'm getting really sad about this and I just don't know what else I can do anymore.

Thanks for reading! <3

[darleenjshannon]

Hi, all. I'm Darleen, nearly 31 years old. I have been on and off meds for the past 8 years. Currently, I am committed to my treatment and am on a combination of Abilify and Adderall. It's been a couple months since my last mixed episode, so far so good. Just getting used to "the new normal" as my pdoc likes to say.

[nnaiadd]

Hello everyone,

I have been treated for bipolar disorder for about 7 years now. I used to belong to another forum but it became very boring--everyone would talk about what they ate for breakfast that morning-- so I stopped posting and then just stopped talking to anyone.
I don't go to a therapist because I can't afford one and I've got a lot on my plate right now. I thought I was doing okay but something happened to me tonight that just really set me off.
What do I have on my plate? I went on disability a few years back and no matter how hard I try to tell myself that all of my problems are not my fault--I still feel like a failure. It eats at me a lot. I think about it every day. I used to make decent money so it's hard to let go of that sometimes. My daughters need things that I am not able to give them.
What else? My older daughter began to suffer from major depression so severe that she had to stop attending school for awhile. She actually has to do a year over because she basically missed the entire year. I try not to blame myself for it but sometimes I get depressed and I start feeling like I passed on my flawed genes to her and it makes me feel really bad. I'm afraid for her because I know what this all of this entails. She's been through a string of counselors and when we finally found one we liked, she left and I'm not sure about this new one. How can she get better if we can't even keep the same stupid counselor for more than a few months. This has been going on for a year.
There are other things too--but these are the main things.
What set me off? I have a childhood friend who I compare myself to unfavorably. I was looking at something online tonight and accidentally came across her blog. Apparently, she is travelling the globe now and has a travel blog and it makes me feel like such a loser.
I was on public aid a few times when I was younger because I was too sick to work. I stayed down at the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy for really long periods of time where I was only surviving and that was it. So I don't know why I compare myself to her--but I do. And tonight the voices telling me that I can't use the bipolar disorder for an excuse for why I've been unsuccessful, the real reason is that I'm a just a loser and I only use the bipolar disorder for an excuse--those voices are really, really loud tonight.
I hope this isn't too disjointed. I'm kind of upset right now. Does anyone else know how I feel? (I hope I'm positing this right.)

[uuberdude]

I'm Greg. Thanks to the management for the site. Looking for answers to some questions, I have come here to try to find them and others that will likely arise. Dx'd with bipolar disorder in 2006, I consider myself pretty stable, but am trying to sort through a life without the sparkle that I know the condition can offer. While it appears to be functional enough, satisfactions are few and far between: no more elation at having a new insight for instance and expecting that anhedonia, possibly to the point of dysfunction, is playing a part. Assurances that this is what the "normal" population typically experiences serve to render me ambivalent, and I feel at once vague desolation for my present state and a mix of sorrow and concern for those who have not experienced the heights. Possibly the most compelling aspect of my present state lies in wondering if behaviors that are not appropriate and that were always accompanied by those intense emotions, and which remain even after having found ostensibly adequate treatment, are things intrinsic to the pathology and can now better be managed or even done altogether away with, or if they are here to stay. If not, then it would behoove me to find ways to manage them, as it has been difficult to impossible to do that in any effective sense for most of the last sixty years.

[jack123]

My name is jackie. Been awhile since I have been on here. Have new kindle so I.Have access again. Anyway I am still bipolar. Unfortunately that didn't change things are stressful at times and normal others. But I am glad to be back where I can get support hope to hear from lots of you

Originally Posted by nnaiadd

And tonight the voices telling me that I can't use the bipolar disorder for an excuse for why I've been unsuccessful, the real reason is that I'm a just a loser and I only use the bipolar disorder for an excuse--those voices are really, really loud tonight.
I hope this isn't too disjointed. I'm kind of upset right now. Does anyone else know how I feel? (I hope I'm positing this right.)

This is exactly how I feel. My thoughts tell me that I am just a loser and lazy and bipolar is just an excuse. If I tried harder I could control it, but I dont try hard enough obviously, even though I try my best and follow the doctors orders.

[happywoman]

Hi
I'm new to pyschcentral. Just saying hi. I am 46. I've had about 4 episodes of ill health requiring hospital admissions since i was 21. Given and received Bipolar diagnosis about 6 years ago,had last hypomanic episode requiring hospitalisation 2 years ago.Stable and staying on meds- Epilim,occasionally have clonazepam if not sleeping and have zyprexia waiting in the wings if needed. Looking for ecommunity support as it sometimes difficult to talk to family and friends who are not personally affected by BPD.
Regards

[gglunar]

Thanks a lot everybody.
After almost two years of treatment with olanzapina and fluoxetina I finally feel that everything is gonna be ok. I´d just like to tell everybody how important is to take your treatment. Please the only way I know for sure that is going to help you is to trust in your doctor. That´s what I did and it´s been the best thing I´ve done.
Now I´m just taking 10mg of fluoxetina everyday and it´s wonderful.

[brandywine]

Hello, just joined and I am diagnosed with bipolar 2 with psychotic features. The latter surprised me, as I thought you couldn't have psychosis with BP2, but it appears in the depressive phase, middle aged women (moi) can. On Lamotrigine, Seroquel, and Mirtazepine. Not long come out of hospital again, and coping alone now.

I don't think I introduced myself. I am RR18. R is my favorite letter and it's the 18th one in the alphabet. I am certainly not 18 anymore.

I have bipolar 1 with psychotic symptoms since childhood. I used to try to control my bipolar with a sludge hammer, but it always fought back. Now I am gentler with it. We get along much better.

My Avatar is deep snow because dealing with bipolar everyday is like walking through deep snow. You have to concentrate and struggle and stay focused. But, if you keep up the effort most days you'll get where your going. Sometimes you get snowed in. I hate snow.

Nice to meet you.

[Mkessna]

Hi my names Michelle I'm new to this have suffered with depression since I was 14 but I have 3 sons and find it so hard to get motivated but I know I have to my ex left me cuz he dont understand it all I must aggmitt I don't I just know sometimes I'm up sometimes I'm down never on a normal level I shut my self away from the world and sit in the dark and silence and cry I don't know if I have bipolar have done the online tests and keep scoring 56 I have bin diagnosed with manic depression since 14 but I think there might be more to it can any1 help

[ehWOOblah]

Hello, hope everyone is feeling good today. I was diagnosed bipolar about two years ago, and have been feeling the symptoms since I was fifteen. I'm twenty-two now, and after a few hospital and rehab stays (not to mention the multiple medication trials) I'm starting to stabilize. The biggest change came after being prescribed lithium, as my manic episodes were only getting worse. I have a girlfriend who has been with me for five years, and though all of our troubles seemed to be given a different light two years ago, we still are struggling through living with the episodes that do make it through the brick wall of CVS prescriptions my doctors have placed before me. I find humor in things that make me uncomfortable to alleviate that anxiety, so sorry if I come off a little light here and there in serious discussion.

I came here to try and find familiarity. I'm lacking that in my life, those who find themselves in similar life struggles. I'm also trying to find a place to put my head into when I can't control my irritability and flat out anger after having another heated discussion with said girlfriend. She's having control issues, and I'm having issues with her control. Yet, she's been the most supportive and helpful, so here I am, trying to find any and all means to help myself gain stability as a person, and then bring stability to our relationship.

Regrettably haven't seen my therapist in a while, but made the appointment today for next week so there's a positive note.

ehWOOblah

[czarina1984]

Hello. My name is Amanda and I was diagnosed ultrarapid cycling bipolar 1, ptsd, borderline personality, and generalized anxiety disorder. Tried to keep working until a year ago but have been hospitalized 3 times since. Every two weeks is a med change and every day is a struggle. I live in an isolated area and so the internet is my only way out of my own head.

[blue84]

i need some help