Is life worth it anymore?

Why do I bother...

My life has been in turmoil since 13th January 2011.... the day my Area Manager sent me home from work due to them needing more info on what they can do to help me in my workplace due to my Bipolar. I am still off and I am no further forward. I have special leave until next week and then its either I lie to my GP and say I am fine and go back to work, or I don't go back and lose my job.

LOSE MY JOB!!!!!! I just don't know what to do??

I don't actually care anymore they can sack me all they like I really don't care. I have lost the willpower to fight.

I am "in trouble" from my Mum for staying in bed all day but what do I have to get up for???? I have no social life. My friends all 4 of them work or at uni 5-7 days a week, I speak to 2 colleagues but VERY rarely see them. What do I have to get up for... just to sit in the house??? My anxiety levels are OTT and I am having moments where going out is sometimes a bit too much for me.

I have been feeling suicidal for weeks and I have hurt myself. I don't care what I do anymore. I want to just go away don't know where though.

I laugh and joke, I am wide awake at the moment... 12:32am I have been manic and I have been hypo-manic and I know I have been depressed but I just don't know anymore.

Last night I didn't want to come home as all I would be doing is sitting in my room as I isolate myself from my family as usual. I have done this since I was a kid.

I am writing this not for replies/answers but cause I am sick of being bipolar/depressed/ill/me/human

Guess what I want to do is get out of here and never come back but I guess that's out the question??

Dear Miss Laura ~ You bother because you WANT to live!! You do NOT want to hurt yourself or commit suicide - that would be using a permanent solution for a TEMPORARY problem!! Please don't do that. Things aren't always going to be feeling like this.

Do you have a therapist? If you do, please talk to him. If you don't, please get one! Look in the phone book for a good psychologist and call and make an appointment! I would ~ I've been in therapy on and off all my life, and I'm glad I have been. Therapy has done me a world of good. Please make an appointment. Some of us just need more help than others.

I'm going to check here tomorrow, and I hope that I'll see that you called for an appointment. This is your life that we're talking about here. You could use some help. God bless you Laura -- and take care. Hugs, Lee

Hey Lee,

I don't have a T. I did have a Counsellor which was through my work and then again through a free charity. But that ended in November 2010. I have a Community Nurse I see fortnightly. I only saw him on Monday.

I don't want to sleep tonight and I haven't took my meds either. I just don't want to anymore. I know I can get the whole no to meds at night as I like feeling manic and the buzzing feeling is always good. But tonight I just think blah what's the point. My friend and I were talking tonight and I thought I was good. Then I left her and started having anxiety attacks and then came home and my Mum got on to me for being in my bed all day and well she was moaning and I got angry and she got angry. Now the only one who is speaking to me in the house is my Dad but we will see how long that will be for as I will somehow piss him off no doubt.

My friends and family just don't know how hard it is to "snap out of it" and I am sick to the back teeth of people saying "you can do this" as I really can't. I don't want to go on anymore as I have no career. I have worked hard to get into this career which is a hard career-I work with Autistic Men who all have Challenging Behaviour/Learning Disabilities/Mental Health Issues and Autism. I don't even miss my work and that is how bad it is. I use to when I was off always want to know what's going on etc now I don't care. I dread bumping into 1 of the guys when I am out. I nearly bumped into 1 of them but they didn't see me thankfully.

I don't want to feel crap anymore. I didn't ask for bipolar and I didn't ask for any of the turmoils I have had. My friend last night said you have dealt with bigger much bigger blows than this so I need to keep going. I lied to her and said I would keep going.... but I really don't think I have it in me anymore. I am drained.

Life at the moment has drained me out of everything and I don't want to hurt anymore

Hello, Miss Laura. It's good to see you.

• Talking with a friend -- feeling good
• Taking leave of your friend -- started feeling bad (anxiety attacks)
• Getting home and encountering Mum -- general "friction"

How/Where can you get some real rest without parental disparagement?I don't blame you one bit for feeling so.

Hey Rohag,

My Mum has been made redundant.... this is an issue in itself and she is always in the house. We go food shopping every Friday together. I cherish moments where I have the house to myself. It's my own fault for going back to live with them last June when I was in debt.

My friend has told me I need to get out and about a lot more. I know this is my depression kicking in.... but it's like I don't want to stop it??

I feel I have to defie sometimes "authority"/"wisdom"/"knowledge" sometimes to make me feel human again?

I don't have Grandparents, I have an Aunt/Uncle but we are not close. My Brother lives in another town from me which isn't really far but I am not really close to him. My Sister still lives at home too. My friends are mostly younger than me and are in relationships/living at home with folks etc

It's so much more easier when your living in your own wee flat enjoying freedom. Don't get me wrong I love my folks. But suffocation comes to mind sometimes and especially now that you have pointed it out to me Rohag.

I am still wide awake. I am thinking I am doing an all nighter. Wish I could go into livingroom but my Mum is sleeping there tonight. Sitting in my room bored, not manic or hyper more depressed and deflated.

I know things are not bad well the job prospect is bad and my future outlook is bad but I am not feeling too ill or too far gone. I just have to make it to Monday and I will be fine. I am gonna ask my GP if she can give me something for my anxiety attacks??? Don't know if she can but I can't live like this

Hi Miss Laura, I'm sad that you're feeling so low. I know things look impossible now, but it can get better. Just please don't give up. Don't stop taking your meds either. I know you're really tired of being ill and trust me, we all are tired of our ups and downs, but take one day at a time and believe that this low period will pass. Get the rest you need, and get some relaxation too. Try music, walking outdoors, reading a novel, drawing, something soothing for your soul. I pray you'll get through this. and I'll check on you again.

Hey Maria38Divine,

Thanks... I just want that magic word of well "your cured" which will NEVER happen or "you are fixed for now" which I don't think will happen just yet.

I want to go back to work... But I don't want to go back to that job. But there is no jobs out there at the moment. Scotland is crap for jobs at the moment. What if I lose my job and have to go on benefits? I am not a drug addict/alcoholic/special needs etc etc I have worked since the age of 16 and have done school and have got this cool job which has caused me sooo much heart ache and grief yet I liked what I was doing. I have worked my *** off and proven I can work my way up the chain which I have done... But no-one see's that. My Management just see's I am ill and that's all anyone will see me as.... ill

I am just sad right now... wanting to cry but can't as everyone are in their bed's.

I know I am moaning and being a cow and I do apologise I am sorry for being so stupid, and so low

Hi Miss Laura, it's a good thing that you are talking to us.

I know the feeling when you know what you can do to help yourself, but just can't seem to make yourself move in the right direction. I once took it so far that in a moment it seemed impossible to move at all, ever, and then a second passed, and I took a breath, and I realized that I can get out of bed, and on a next breath I did. I guess you could say it was a form of meditation. (and meditation is great, btw, people have helped thmselves tremendously with it)

Weird as it sounds, I think it's good that you are "sick of being bipolar/depressed/ill/me/human", except for that last part because it looks to me that you have no idea how powerful "human" really is. Because being sick and tired means that maybe you had enough and crave a change.

We let ourselves be convinced that our diagnosis is us, that it is some life-sentence. "You are depressed. That's what you are" "You are bipolar."

We believe we are pre-determined, by our genetics, by our biology, by our history, and that's not true it turns out. There is a whole new science, weird stuff scientists are discovering about the nature of reality and nature of human. And from that it looks like our diagnosis is not a sentence in convicting us in a prison sense, but merely a sentence in a grammatical sense, just a description of our present state.

I am not saying you can say "I am no longer bipolar" and fly off to a new happy life, just like that, but you know that some bipolar people can function better than you, and at one point in the past you did too. I believe there is plenty rather amazing evidence how person's belief can change their "diagnosis".

Life is worth it, dear Laura, if you let go of the belief that there is no hope and you can't change anything. I bet if you think about it, you will find quite a number of things you can change. For example, you can follow your friend's advice and get out more often. Do you see how it is your own belief that is stopping you from making yourself feel better? Kick that belief. For you!

HUGS

Thanks Sunna,

I know I can get out of bed, but I am more of a "I don't want to get out of bed" person at the moment. I know that sounds lame and stupid. I have done the whole get up and go for weeks and now I feel the "what's the point" scenario's popping into my dumb head. You know sometimes you need that "rest" in bed though... after a hard time of thinking/feeling/talking/writing/expressing etc!

I feel dumb for saying this but I feel at the moment I need my bed, the stupid safeness which I hate to admit to. I need it. I don't really know why though to be honest.

"Human" means I am alive and I don't feel alive at the moment... I am not completely dead, I am partially if that is even possible.

Yes I have become my illness/disorder/diagnosis and yes I don't know when to not be it. I act "human-normal" in front of people so people don't think I am weird. So people don't ask questions and so I don't have the embarrassment of saying I am ill. I tried soooo hard not to become my illness/disorder/diagnosis that it has lead me to become it.

I want to be that 50% of BP sufferers who can say I live a normal life with minor adjustments. But at the moment I am the 50% who are living life 1 day at a time struggling and sinking and asking for help and no-one is listening in my head. My head is screaming but my lips don't know what to do.

I have functioned better and I know I can and will again but telling my stupid brain that is the hard part. It won't allow that knowledge to sink in. I don't know why though. I am scared that admitting things will lead to things and admitting things will make things real and not admitting things is safer in a sense but ironically I am scared out my head.

I think it would help if you have a regular companion, someone you an talk to all the time and always beside you. like you mom or sister of best friend either, i know the feeling because once i was just like that. but thank god because through the help of my love ones i start to over come it. as for the meantime don't allow yourself to be alone and making yourself busy will also help and try to seek a professional help.Good luck

Miss Laura, you have helped me immensely when I needed to hear words of encouragement. Please don't give up because you have so much to offer other people. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling right now and wish I could offer better words of support but I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes (as you know already), but I think you are amazing for reaching out to help others in need and I hope right now you can somehow realize you are now in need of support and find a way to accept some support/help to get you back into a better place. HUG for you.

Thanks Joy1010,

I am good at giving advice out but not listening or accepting advice- catch 22.

I am as you can tell still wide awake.... watching tv and sitting on here. I know I have to keep going but for how long?

I know as a Mother you probably side with my Mum on the whole staying in bed scenario. I think I have referred to her and I's relationship being "stormy" in a post to you. I am no angel and have never proclaimed to be. We rub eachother up the wrong way ALL the time.

Wednesday afternoon when I came home from my meeting all I wanted was my Mum to come over and hug me. She never did. I do not like physical contact and this is prob the reason.

Thursday evening my friend gave me a card and on the front cover it says "This is a hug...." and shows a bear holding his arms out for hugging. Inside says "It's here when you need it" and she wrote "To Laura, just to let you know that whatever happens we all love you! Remember you are amazing and sometimes I think we forget to tell you just how great a friend you are, this is to remind you! Lots of Hugs(even though you will not readily accept them, haha!!) Katriona xxx p.s. your beautiful when you smile "

I cried and still am reading it. I texted her and said I will cherish it and that I will put it in with my mood diary so if I need a hug I can get it there.

I don't know why I can't take physical contact from someone but can take a massage.... I am a freak see!!!

Joy, I hope as a Mother you can see being here isn't easy no matter what and who you are. I want my Mum to just hug me, but I don't want to ask for it. She asks me if I am ok and I always reply "Ye fine" as what's the point... I get lectured on "cheering" up and getting on with my life.

Sorry this kinda sounds like a rant and it's not meant to be!!

So sorry you are having such a hard time right now, Miss Laura. I read every word of what you wrote. I'm sorry I can't relate more--my sister is bipolar but I am depressive. I met some really nice bipolar ladies when I was hospitalized. And one bipolar guy--he was manic and trying to hide it so he could get out and get some subsidized housing they had lined up for him. He did it! Please know some of us will always be here to listen to you and try to relate to what you are going through. We won't be judgmental and will cheer you on, to make the best of your reality for yourself. I suspect you are at a low point right now and need some encouragement. Do know others care and want you to succeed in being happier and dealing with what's facing you. Hugs, dear one!

Thank you Online User,

I just need to keep writing I think and then it will all be over with and all sink in. My mania is pretty much nothing now which sucks. I really enjoy it. I get more manic at night but I guess depression has kicked that out of me. I haven't took my meds tonight and its nearly 4am so in another 4 hours I will be taking my 8am meds so what's the point in taking the evening meds right?

I want mania back and I want it back now. I don't like depression. I have had about 6 months of mania and mixed episodes and now depression brilliant huh!!

Laura,

I can understand totally how your feeling even when it prob seems like no one can. Our situations are very different and i dont knwo the circumstances around your life but I will tell you that I suffere from depression to and at 30 years old and being a single mother....i STILL fear about letting down my mother...its so wierd...its like a sickness that I have had since I was a kid...to please her...she is very supportive of me but then again....we are so close that if i am hurting myself or feeling depressed...it effects her and then she is hurt becuase of it and she tells me. First of all WTF is your employer doing trying to differentiate u cuz of your bipolar?? Am i missing something? I have never heard of a place of employment acting like Bipolar disease is a handicapp.....maybe i am misunderstanding but....why are they trying to help you with this and they CAN NOT fire you becuase of being bipolar or depressed unless you missed a lot of work without callin8g or soemthing...did you ask them for help? If you did, then thats cool but I think that it might not be a good idea to do that with ur employers...sounds like they are using it against you....thats a cheap shot and it shows that they have TERRIBLE work ethics...anyways......dont fret love....it sounds petty to me...calm down ok? Your emotions are getting the better of you obviously if you are feeling suicidal..and is this suicidal feeling becuase your employers are being hard on your and a combinatino of you not seeing your freinds much? Just guessing by reading your post....listen...you are blessed and the fact that you have a roof over your head and a computer to reach out to people is AWESOME....please dont think that these stepping stones are a reason to end your life....you sound like a wonderful..intellegent woman that deserves to be happy....dont downgrade yourself babe....=)

Yes, you are probably right--skip the night meds. Maybe take the 8 AM at 7 instead if you are still up? Sorry you are depressed--I don't get the variety. Only depression. Mania does seem more desirable. But I do get moments or times of feeling NORMAL--that is the best. Hope you will get there soon too.

It sounds really, really tough and I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. And I am also impressed with your insight and your searching.

That half-dead feeling. Might it be simply "numb", so you don't feel, because you are afraid of what you would feel?

Getting to the hidden is hard. When my therapist asked me, steered me toward possible anger issues, I admitted I am a bit angry at my mom - a lukewarm admittance, who isn't? We talked about how none of our moms are ideal, blah-blah-blah. I did not believe I was hiding anything from her or from myself.

But it was not till now, years later that I had a peek at the frightening rage that was hiding in me. Rage and an awful left-loathing, much, much deeper than a mere dissatisfaction with my weight or whatever else. It's done something, this looking at it. It seems done, gone. Instead I am feeling much more positive. Happy even. I still haven't gotten my act together, and my emotions are skittyish and unruly, but what a difference!

I've got my hands on psychology book by Arno Gruen "The insanity of normality. realism as sickness: toward understanding human destructiveness". I bumped into a reference on internet somewhere and the title stirred something. So, I read about the betrayal of self. It is basically about our domestication process, how as children we are told "you can't be loved as you are" and we believe it (later we may hear that we are ok as we are, but by then it sounds like a such a hypocritical lie). We try to become how we think they want us to be (and we hate it!) so they would love us (and they don't!). This is the betrayal of self and it leaves us with an awful taste of self-loathing. It is insanity. Our process of conforming to the "normal" is brutal, and no wonder so many of us lose it, our minds fracture.

Getting in touch with that fierce rage I've been hiding since childhood did something. It wasn't even being able to forgive myself, or my parents, or the God, or the world - it was like there was no need anymore to forgive.

I am telling you this, because though our stories are different, and our problems are different, I want to help you, and that's all I could think of, even though I can't think how it would help.

I wish you, I pray that one day you will find out that all you owe yourself is but a gentle tender love.

Thank you Sunna,

I understand what you have said and I will take it on board.

I am unsure about the whole Therapy thing.... many of you guys have said I should see about getting a T and many of you are in Therapy. For me it's weird as my life has been "ordinary" ie my childhood etc I have not been abused, got an ill parent etc I lived a good life mostly. Why do I feel I am going insane?

I read all the post's here about Therapy and I find them very interesting... then I sit and think would I even "qualify" for Therapy?, how would I get Therapy?, how much would it be or would NHS pay for it? These questions I don't have answers to at all. I felt embarrassed going to see Counsellors when I was 1st depressed back in 2009.

I would recommend therapy too. You will have one person you don't need to hide from. And as for the reason, wanting to be back at work, but not able to because of bpd, seems like a good enough reason. Heh, the title of your thread seems like a reason enough. If you think you may have hard time speaking out, maybe you can print what you've written here in anonymity where it's easier to open up than face to face.

Oh, and I had a rather normal childhood too, wasn't abused, no alcoholic parents or anything. They would have been quite hurt, as a matter of fact, if I told them my problems had anything to do with them. Just because I can see how their behaviors played into certain things, does not mean I have to confront or accuse them. They were ok. Done their best. Really.

I don't know about NHS (other than wishing we had something like that here!), but I would encourage you to investigate.

Thanks Sunna,

I slept from about 6am-10am. Just lying in my bed. Going to meet a friend in 1 hour and a bit for a catch up and maybe some lunch.

Think I am gonna wait until I see GP on Monday and see what she thinks I need and what she thinks the NHS can offer if anything... I don't even know if it's possible to get a T from NHS without going Private which is out the question.

I just can' t be bothered with the whole showing a face/getting up/socialising... not that I am big on that anyways. I have 2 missed calls from a friend and I am not meaning to be a ***** or a cow but I hate answering the phone. I prefer texting. I know why she phones though. She phones cause she has Dyslexia and it's obviously a hell of a lot easier for her. I will call her when I am out the house. She has left me a voicemail.

I sooooo wanted to take extra meds today... but I haven't just took my normal ones. Argh!!!!!!

miss laura, you have helped many of us along the way.just know i'm thinking of you during this difficult time. i know just how u feel. i have episodes too but they are not often. taking my meds wards off those mood swings. i hope you will take them, too. it can balance your bp and will eventually bring u back to a good spot. hope that happens for you soon.

Been stood up by friend, she is over 40 mins late. Have texted her 3 times. Sitting in pub on my own. God I feel more depressed, who sits in the pub on their own at my age. I truely am a loser!

You are not! You are a truly amazing person! You have helped me so much and been there to listen to me and always helped. You are truly amazing. HUGS. xxxx

Hey guys,

Just want to say a HUGE thank you for being understanding yesterday. I am now better. I spent half the day in bed and then went to meet my friend who stood me up so I had lunch in the pub on my own and then I found out her Mum is back in the hospital, her Mum is terminally ill and she had over-slept so I have to apologise to her on here for being a ***** to her. She was apologetic and I said we can meet next week when she has a free hour or so, which she has agreed to.

I took a slump when I got home as I was pissed I was stood up and have been self pitying and lying in my bed. I only got up at 9pm. I feel so much better for getting up and talking to 3 friends who have been talking to me since 5pm. I still feel a bit suicidal and I still want to hurt myself but I am wayyyy better than last night.

I have to be good as tomorrow is my Brother's Birthday Party which I am helping to prepare and then the night will be his and I can not spoil it for him and I will not spoil it for him. It's his night

Thank you guys again!!!

I'm coming in just at the end of this thread, but just wanted to say that I am so glad to hear you are doing better, Miss Laura!